Ohmigawd Ohmigawd

It rained last night in Germany. Actual, factual rain. The kind that comes down in water drops. I can't tell you how exciting that was.

Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Stan

Taking Major Dingus' advice I am indeed joyfully singing today. No more war zones for Capt. Awesome -- I am officially back in Germany, safe and sound.

I'll give you all a full rundown of my fight with customs, including quite possibly the most important event of my entire time in Afghanistan occurring about 20 minutes before I left the country, but not until tomorrow. Now, I'm relaxing happily in a swanky military hotel suite and enjoying the remnants of my first pizza and beer dinner in more than a month. I never thought Corona would taste that good ....

We'll get to the real German beers once I have a little food in my system. I spent about 11 hours on planes over the last two days, and I'm worried that a tall, dark one after my month-long abstinence from alcohol and combined with no food might knock me down for good.

And the Falcons/Patsies replay just came on TV. Could I ask for more?

I could. But for now, this is pretty sweet.

Proof of photo skills, part 2

Photo gallery -- lunchtime

They don't look half bad. It almost as if I learned a little bit about how that camera thingie works.

Phase One of Operation GetOut

I've got a flight headed to Manus in three hours, in what I hope is the first step of my trip back home. There are two more flights into Kyrzygstan tonight, so even if this one gets cancelled I still should be able to get out. I mean ....

<< wait for it >>

<< wait for it >>

... I can't stay down with three flights. Not with three flights.

Hopefully once I get there I'll find some flights to Germany quickly. So stay tuned, and keep your fingers crossed.

Holy Baskett!

Did you see that catch? Did you see that throw?

And can someone explain to me why we've played two pre-season games and no one else in our division has had one yet?

Proof of work, part #26

Commanders clarify humvee policy

Pissed off a few folks with a story earlier in the week, so there was a "clarification" press release put out that I had to follow up. Good to know I'm making friends wherever I go.

Last night in town ....

... maybe.

Tomorrow morning I start the quest to find a flight from here back to European civilization. That probably means I won't actually leave for three or four more days, but it also means I'll officially stop trying to get real work done. I've got two more stories in tomorrow's paper, and frankly I've written enough.

And once I'm back in Europe, there should be no other flight issues. After all, international flights from Europe to the U.S. look like they're running as smooth as ever ...

... wait a minute ...

GAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!

OK, we'll deal with that headache once we're out of the war zone. One step at a time here.

Proof of work, part 25

Reporter's notebook: Football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This guy already sent me a note saying that he's registered the domain name sportsaholics.anonymous (or something like that) and is seeking professional help. I told him if anyone ever questions his loyalty as an NFL fan to have them call me, and I'll testify that he's a true football nut.

Of course, I'm not saying he's the greatest football fan in Afghanistan. There was another guy in the room who could name nearly all the starters on the field (Eagles and Raiders) and kept yelling at Jeff Garcia for stinking up the joint....

Mom 1, Military 0

Let this be a lesson -- don't doubt Mom's prayers. A freak sandstorm blew in as my flight was scheduled to head down to the last embed, and once it cleared up an electrical problem in an infrared light grounded the helicopter.

The bad news is I spent seven hours on the tarmac with nothing to show for it. The good news is my boss said enough is enough, and told me to stay put until Saturday and then start heading back to Germany. It won't get me home any earlier than the 18th, but it likely will keep me from getting caught in country for longer (a real concern with how unreliable these flights are.)

So I'll spend the next few days seeing if I can file a few more stories and then start looking at flights to Germany (or more likely, a return to Krysyscystan.) And, of course, I'll start setting up the fantasy football league. I think we're up to 11, but there's always room for #12. But you've gotta be able to name the Eagles starting defensive line.

Proof of work, part 24

New road could lead to new industry for one village

No, I didn't get a chance to see the blue marble. They may have been making it up.

For the record ...

Just to clear up a few loose ends:

-- Bagram, where I've been for the last week, has nice showers and a laundry room. I'm not saying that I actually qualify as "clean," but I don't smell funny.

-- I'm supposed to travel today, but my flight has already been delayed by 14 hours. Mom has been praying that the flight gets cancelled altogether so that I can start heading back towards home, but so far she has only managed about half of the full-day's delay we'd need for that. Still, don't mess with mom.

-- Despite what I said, I did not see the whole pre-season game. I actually missed about half of the fourth quarter when there was a power outage on base. The lights came back on just in time to see Bruce Perry's concussion. Ugh.

-- I missed Hank Baskett's work too. But let me be the first to say that when he catches his first TD, if Chris Berman doesn't say "And McNabb PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKETT" I'll be very disappointed.

Proof of work, part 23

Afghanistan will have to wait for more armored vehicles

I was supposed to have story #24 today too -- a recap of watching the football game with my AF Niners' friend -- but my moron of an editor screwed it up and threw it away. It's a shame that my whole trip is going to be marred when I get back to Germany and kick his incompetent ass.

I'll see if we can work the football story into a notebook later this week.

Proof of work, part 22

Border security still poses problems

I've got some good photos coming up later in the week. This one is awful.

And no meat sweats in Bagram...

Time for some football-themed “good news, bad news” after last night’s game:

Bad news – I didn’t find any birds fans over here. Very disappointing.
Good news – I did find the game and a Niners fan to watch it with, and we’ll see if I can make a story out of that.

Good news – I got to watch almost the whole game before I needed to get back to work.
Bad news – Boy, Jeff Garcia looks pretty bad.

Bad news – I saw way too much Troy Aikman and Harry Carson during that broadcast.
Good news – I like this new “ronning" game they tried out. Am I spelling that right? Ronning? It’s like passing, but without the passing.

Good news – I got to see a 55-yard Akers field goal and can now identify Timmy Chang as the Eagles’ fourth string QB.
Bad news – Boy, Jeff Garcia looks bad. Really, really bad.

Bad news – I’m moving again tomorrow, so I can’t promise when the next update will come in.
Good news – Only a few days left, and then I’ll be back in the land of pizza and beer planning the Labor Day party.

Pure torture

I'm sitting outside of the Bagram media center (shack) fighting with my work e-mail, and a bunch of guys from the DEA pulled out a grill and some thick steaks and chicken breasts. The delicious smoke is blowing into my face as I type. And I even though they're cooking five feet away, there's a 10-foot barbed-wire fence between me and the meats, so I've got no shot at stealing dinner.

Not cool. When I get back to Fort Awesome, I'm not sharing any of my grilling with them.

Please don't confuse this kind of torture with the Bagram detention facility across the street from the other side of the media center (shack), where I'm sure there is no torture going on whatsoever.

More QB controversy

Gee, who would have figured mentioning Dan Marino would send Dad into a crazed rant?

For the record, the five greatest non-Eagles QBs are:

1 -- Joe Montana
2 -- John Elway
3 -- Joe Montana
4 -- Warren Moon
5 -- Steve Young, when he was playing behind Joe Montana

The five greatest Eagles QBs of all time are:

5 -- Jim McMahon
4 -- Ron Jaworski
3 -- Randall Cunningham
2 -- Donovan McNabb
1 -- Brian Dawkins. Don't even question it. You know he could. I have a NHL video game at Fort Awesome that proves he's the greatest hockey center of all time as well. He's a bit short, so he'd come in just behind Jordan in basketball.

So sleeeeepy.....

I had a long one today – I was up late watching fireworks between my conservative Soldier of Fortune friend and a liberal author who both hate the media, then got up early to go running around in the mountains with reconstruction teams talking about the importance of retaining walls, then covered a late press conference where I learned that there is a border between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

Nothing in the paper again tomorrow, but I’ll have a few in the first few days next week. More importantly, I found out there will be a football watching party on base early Sunday morning – 4:30 am – so I’ve got the chance of finding actual factual Iggles fans on the other side of the world.

And there will be photos. Oh yes, there will be photos.

Greatest QB ever

Just so you all know I'm doing OK, even over here I got in a fight about Dan Marino. So the conditions can't be that different from home, right?

For the record, I was on the "Marino is not one of the top five QBs ever" side this time, as opposed to the normal "Dad is insane when he says Marino was a terrible QB" argument that I'm forced into. The conversation quickly turned when my table mate challenged my assertion that Joe Montana was the greatest ever, at which point he was struck down by a group of Afghan youths from the mountains who have never seen a TV but knew Montana's status as a god should not be questioned.

Is football here yet? Please?

Sorta proof of work

Next Afghanistan rotation announced

This isn't really my story -- I didn't write most of it -- but it proves I was awake for at least part of the day yesterday.

Afghan trivia for $800

Odds and ends from the last few days:

-- Forgot to mention that my trip from Kandahar to Bagram was courtesy of the 143rd Air Wing out of Rhode Island (the Rhode Warriors, as their logo says). The plane was kinda small, but you’d be amazed how many of us they fit in there.

-- I saw “Frankenfish” for sale at the post exchange today. I’m not paying $20 for it, but somebody is.

-- I spent about half the day yesterday with three AP reporters based in Pakistan; two from London, one from Afghanistan, none of whom knew who Matt Lauer is. Today most of the day was spent with a freelancer from Soldier of Fortune who uses a fake name when he writes and looks like Billy Bob Thorton. Tomorrow? Who knows?

-- I didn’t get any real work done today, but I did get a hot shower and saw two more episodes of the Simpsons, so I consider it a success.

-- In succession on TV, I also saw an ad for the Eagles pre-season game, and ad for a Phils/Mets game that’ll be on, and a shot of a boxing match in Philly where they cut away to Pat’s and Geno’s. Now they’re just taunting me.

Proof of work, part 21

NATO head says tacitcal wins are meaningless

Nothing too exciting, but it was something to keep me busy for a few hours.

Everybody loves reruns

Looks like the site is back up -- I have no idea what happened -- and I made it into Bagram today, safe and sound. The flight took a little less than an hour, the trip from the plane to the terminal took five minutes, and the process of transferring my bags from the plane to the terminal took just over 90 minutes.

A normal person would be upset by this. However, in the terminal are two 36-inch flat-screen TVs hooked up to military television, and I saw, back to back, The Simpsons (the “learn to fart” flag episode), The Daily Show (Castro is dying?) and the Colbert Report. You’d be amazed how funny everything is when you’ve seen no TV for several weeks.

It's about 15 degrees cooler, and that loverly dusty wind is back in my life. I’ll be sleeping in Afghan bed #9 tonight, and trying to get to bed #10 in the next few days. We’re almost down to single digits for the trip, so keep those fingers crossed.

Proof of work, part 20

Notebook: Jokes about getting shot and falling out of planes

They ran that shot huge on the inside of the paper today -- it looks really good, thanks to my dear copy editors back at home.

Also in today's paper

Injuries frustrate Fred Taylor, fans: Jacksonville RB hurts hamstring in first practice

Who's ready for the fantasy league? G? You in this year?

Extra protection

I'll be traveling again tomorrow -- up north, then to the east for my last embed of the trip -- so today was spent trying to get all my loose ends tied up. Since there's no proper laptop case or bag for me to put the new machine in, I've resorted to my own bubble of packing material to hopefully keep this thing in one piece for my last few days.



That's a whole mess of packing tape, one layer of flexible styrofoam packaging and two layers of bubble wrap. We'll keep that inside the unreliable backpack, and hope for the best.

It can't go down with three layers of packing stuff on it. Not with three layers.

Proof of work, part 19

U.S. hands over southern Afghanistan to NATO

It appears to be the same story as yesterday, but if you look close you'll notice this one has pictures. So it's a totally different story.

I hope you're all happy

Just saw the details on the Abreu trade -- wonderful move by the Phils. Let's give up a 30-30 all-star outfielder and a crappy pitcher for two crappy pitchers and a shortstop prospect we can't use, because we already have an all-star at short and second. Awesome move. Hope all the Abreu haters who aren't watching the Phils anyways are excited about the future now.

Seriously, getting pitchers from the Yankees is about the dumbest move in the world (well, short of picking up an SS when that's the one position you have). If they had anyone competent in their farm system, they'd be up pitching right now. This was an absolute scam, once again benefitting the Yankees.

Abreu has been unfairly maligned by WIP, because he's a lazy outfielder. And I'm sure over the course of a season, that sub-par play costs them three or four runs. "I want to see my players play hard." Yeah? I want to see them win. None of these nobodies they picked up will help them do that. I'd love to see Manny in Philly -- he'd pick up 130 RBI each year and we'd boo him because of his fielding.

Maybe if Gillick tries real hard he can pick up another shortstop for Ryan Howard. After all, Howard runs to first base kinda slow. I think that shows he's lazy. Let's get rid of the bum.

GAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!! Even in Afghanistan the Phills are killing me.

Proof of work, part 18

NATO handover should mean little for U.S. troops
I told you. 400 words to say "nothing will change."

Quiet time

Nothing too exciting to post over the last few days, because I've been waiting in Kandahar for the official NATO handover ceremonies to take place tomorrow. It should be a lot of pomp and circumstance signifying very little, and I'll have a 15 inch story that says "nothing will change" in tomorrow's paper.

In the meantime, I've spent the last few days catching up on my pizza eating ($9 for a small pie, but it's Pizza Hut in Afghanistan!) and laundry (more exciting than you think) and sleep (I even bought a pillow). Photos have been slim, but I'll have more to post soon.

And for those of you checking your countdown clocks, we're inside of two weeks left in country.

Proof of work, part 17

I counted. We're up to 17, with at least three more sitting in the queue.

2-4 finally gets its orders

Thank you, youtube

How else could I get the Colbert Report 8,000 miles away?

By the way, I also like cocaine because it's fun.

Taking inventory

While I've got a few hours to relax, I figured I'd start putting together my stat book for the trip so far:

Flights taken, Germany to Afghanistan: 3
Flights taken, inside Afghanistan: 7
Flights taken in helicopters: 6
Total time in helicopters: 5 hours



Trips taken in humvees: 8
Total time spent in humvees: 16 hours
Time spent waiting for humvees to get out of the mud: 8 hours
Time spent driving humvees: 0 hours



Cities I've slept in within Afghanistan: 6
Number of beds I've had in country: 8
Most consecutive nights in the same bed: 4
Worst bed: This pile of hay. Seriously.



So far, so good.

Proof of work, part 14 or something

Notebook: Bazaar back in business

This is where I bought those illegal DVDs. Unfortunately, they don't work in the new laptop.

Proof of photo skills, part I

On patrol near Larzab

I finally justified that "reporter/photographer" title they gave me.

On a related note, I'm still trying to find out about the hacker. Our site actually went down for a few hours yesterday because of it, but everything is back up now.

115 in the shade

Literally. There's a thermometer by the Candadian media tent (I'm huge with the Canadian media, by the way) that's in partial shade but was showing 115 degrees at 430 pm today (that's 2pm in Germany, noon in London, 8am in DC, 5am in New Mexico.)

I spent most of the day sauntering from one room with AC to the next, but it's a big base, so I did take a few half-mile hikes in the sun today.

It's about 20 degrees cooler up in the mountains. To prove that there is a difference between the mountain and desert ...


... here's a nice sky-eye view of exactly when this country turns from mountains to desert. It was really weird flying over and going from bumpy to flat in a matter of minutes.

There's a lot more of those heli pics when I get back. How'd I get such a good shot?


I was strapped in pretty good. But nobody tell mom, OK?

Things that worry me

From CNN.com:

The White Stripes voice themselves in the September 17 episode of the Simpsons when Bart organizes a benefit concert to repair his arm that was mangled by a tiger Lisa rescued from the local pound.

From yesterday's comments:
oh yeah, and you need a fence (a high one) 'cause i signed you up to raise a baby tiger... he should arrive shortly after you get home.

Has my life finally turned into one long cartoon?

Here's another red flag. Check out the last line of this sign, hung at one of the bases I visited over the weekend.


It's from South Park, for those of you without cable.

I'm sailing aaaaway, set an open course...

And we're back!!!

New laptop + another move = return to posting

I'm back online, back in Kandahar and not too much worse for the wear. The old equipment is about to be dumped into the Afghanistan desert as soon as I can get the rest of my files off it, and my new laptop seems to be working just fine.

So, let's catch up on the last few days:

What happened with that laptop anyways?
I'd like to say it was an Army conspiracy, but this was just good old fashioned carelessness. As I was moving from one place to another, my bags got thrown into the back of a Humvee with a pretty full trunk. Before I could stop the Afghan interpreter from crushing my electronics, he slammed the lid down twice, then sat on it to click it shut. I knew before I opened the bag that something was gonna be toast.

A few bucks and a few days later I have a brand new set of equipment, and it didn't slow down my work at all, just my communications back home. But we're all good now, so there's no sense taking out my former rage on an Afghan linguist. I mean, no sense in taking it out on another one.

So, what have you been doing?
Afghan National Army's perfomance is inconsistent
U.S. releases Taliban sympathizer in political move
Unit honors fallen soldier
I've got a few more coming too.

What, no photos?
Blogger is being cranky today, and I'm just happy to be back communicating with the real world. So we're not gonna push it tonight.

So where are you?
After spending the last week in Zabul province in souther Afghanistan, I'm out of the mountains and back in the desert. I'll be here for about a week, then probably head back north.

The time in the mountains was a blast, but it was also exhausting, so I'm crashing pretty hard. I'll write more for y'all in the next few days, but thanks for keeping the comments lively and the good thoughts headed my way.

Technical difficulties

My laptop got smashed by my new Army friends during a mission yesterday, so this site is gonna be quiet for a few days until the company can get me a new one out here. Blogger is blocked on most military computers (but not this one, so take that) and so is hotmail, so work email is the only reliable way to get ahold of me, and even that's not great.

God-willing we'll have all this squared away in three or four days. Say and extra prayer that I don't pick a fight with some private for wrecking my stuff.

Unabashed product placement

Bought a few pirated DVDs from the local bazaar yesterday, including a four-in-one Bond package (all Pierce Brosnan) with a great description of “The World is Not Enough” on the back:

“The British Super Spy goes after a ruthless media baron (an amalgam of Ted Turner, Rupert Murdoch and Bill Gates) whose diabolical plans include instigating World War III so that empire can contain an exclusive of the war (a la CNN during the Gulf War). Noteworthy for its unabashed commercial product placement.”

I also got Underworld I and II, Hostel and two other flicks I’ve never heard of. Nine flicks for $6 – they even have the FBI warning about making illegal copies of movies.

But alas, I didn’t buy the one I should have: Snakehead Terror. Yes, even on the other side of the world, someone wants to watch that. I spotted it as I was walking away … I wish I had my camera with me to take a picture, or at least more pocket change on me.

Luckily, I do have it on tape at home, so I’ll be able to see it when I get back.

Proof of work, part VIII

Mail finally arrives, but donuts don't

I wrote the third item here pretty much to explain to my darling wife why I haven't called in several days.

Pretty cool

Actually not the picture I was trying to get, but fun anyways.

Happy Training Camp Opening!

In case you missed yesterday's comments (how could you? There are only seven of you reading this and everyone left a comment) we're on the verge of opening training camp, the real start of the year. Everyone knows that between mid February and mid July nothing really matters, save for a brief weekend of relaxation around the draft. I believe the church refers to it as "ordinary time." Now we're back in extraordinary time, and I can already feel my chest starting to clench up again.

Seriously, go back to those comments and look at yourselfs. Dr. Bob's comment about Maya Angelou's defensive expertise is a hoot. And poison-ivy-covered Tom, as always, is keeping me in the loop on important world events.

But several of you have mentioned Dawkins is going to be an Eagle for life. Has he signed a new contract? Or are they just promising to give him one? I can't find details anywhere, and now I'm starting to get stressed. Forget the 100-plus temps and Taliban, I need to know what's up with #20. Somebody fill me in.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Y'all did see that I stole the ordinary time thing from G, right? Because all my best writing comes from G.

Proof of work, part VII

Lack of education limits how much U.S. can help Afghans

Interesting stuff, at least to me. We'll see if the local folks around here get angry that I didn't write a whole "look at what a good job we're doing" story.

Six letters, starts with E

It's a quiet day here as I try and plan out the rest of my week, so no proof that I'm working today. But I do have proof of contact back home, courtesy of a note from a dear co-worker who picked up the Philly Inquirer this weekend:

In the crossword puzzle -- Six letters, starts with E, clue is "Philly team."

Really, if you're gonna do this, don't you make the clue "Greatest football team ever" or "Local obsession" or "the cause of 5,422 heart attacks in the greater Philadelphia area on Super Bowl Sunday 2005" or something better than that?

Glad to see most of the draft picks are signed. Had a nice long conversation with a guy out here from Kansas City about how the AFC's best teams always choke in the playoffs. He couldn't wait to get back home for football either, although he said that Monday night football with Tuesday morning breakfast works out pretty well.

Pros and cons ...

... of being in the middle of nowhere, Afghanistan



Con: My min-satellite thinks I'm in Pakistan
Pro: My editors don't know where to find me to complain about stories

Con: It's pitch black out here at 8pm
Pro: There are some very pretty stars out here

Con: It's very difficult to get decent food this far down range
Pro: That finally gives me an excuse to eat those Pop-Tarts

Con: We're on the sunny side of a desert mountain
Pro: It's still cooler than the sunny side of a desert plain, which was the last stop

Con: All mail and newspapers arrive here a week late
Pro: If I write something really bad, they won't see it until I'm gone

Con: There are no phones I can use anywhere on base
Pro: Yet somehow there is still an internet line in my room

So we're still doing dandy out here in Pakista... Afghanistan. I think.

Proof of Work, part VI

Rap battle breaks out at Bagram

This one is from a few days ago, but it's still good. And my street cred is off the charts, yo.

On the road again

I finally made it to Qalat, and am now resting comfortably at Forward Operating Base Langham alongside the unit I’m embedded with. I’ll be going out on a few patrols with the guys over the next week, likely traveling up to another new base they just started and also meeting with some reconstruction folks who are running vo-tech classes for the locals here.

The base is much more spartan than the previous ones I’ve been at – No fridge with cold water in the rooms (though boxes of warm water are still available), only one entrée choice at the chow hall, no post exchange for most of the week and no phones at my ready. The guys here know they have it rougher than most, and are pretty cranky about the cushy conditions that other folks get (and complain about). Still, we’re on a hillside in a pretty safe area, so no one is too cranky. And I did get a pillow, something that has been lacking at most of the other bases.

The biggest difference is for some reason everyone here is running on Zulu time (Greenwhich mean time for you civilians). So I’ve got to adjust my watch for the fourth time this trip, this time to correspond with London for no good reason.

Just to help you out:

Local Afghanistan time – 2 p.m. (where I am)
Germany time – 11:30 a.m. (where my editor are)
Zulu time – 9:30 a.m. (where these guys think they are)
DC time – 5:30 a.m. (where most of you are)

If I had known I’d need four watches for this trip, I would have at least bought one with a calculator.

Proof of work, part V

Coalition launches new offensive in Sangin

Just to clarify, this fighting is about 70 miles away from where I am now, and about 200 miles away from my next stop. This was really just a press conference story, just like I cover all the time in DC. OK? No worries.

100th Post

Blogger is telling me this is the 100th post on the site since we launched in February. I feel like I should do something deep and profound here.

Um.....

yeah.....

Um.....

SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!!!!!!!!

Sorry, it was the best I could come up with.

Hungry yet?

Today was pretty calm out here; I did a quick story about another big offensive, about 70 miles east of where I am, so it's nowhere near me, everybody calm down, OK? It'll be in tomorrow's paper.

So, I thought I'd take a moment and tell you how exciting my meals were today.

Military dining halls aren't that bad, except the milk is kinda nasty and the first thing you see when you walk in is this:


It's just like the PowerSauce bars from the Simpsons -- "Unleash the awesome power of the apple! -- which I find hilarious, but apparently they really expect us to eat them.

For the first time since I got here I managed to find some cranberry juice AND Smart Start cereal, so it was just like being at home (except 102 degrees and very dusty). For dinner, I had lobster tail again -- apparently this is a military standard once a week, probably because of all the great seafood you can catch out here in the desert.

And last night, for a midnight snack, I had a slush puppy, which I believe is banned food in the states nowadays. It's not a slurpee, but then again I am pretty far from 7-11.

I'm traveling again sometime tomorrow, this time just a quick hop one province away, so as always I can't predict how posting will go over the next few days. But I'll do my best, and let y'all know when the filet mingon gets here.

Proof of work, part IV

Reporter's notebook: Helicopter for sale

The idea behind these "notebooks" is to catch short, pithy slices of life over here. They want me to file a lot of them, so expect to see more posted here.

Life's a beach

After another night in a military airport terminal -- I watched "Kicking and Screaming," "Save the Last Dance" and the first half of "Hurricane" in the six hours I was there -- I finally arrived in Kandahar, the hub of coalition military operations in southern Afghanistan.


This shot makes the place look pretty -- it's a bleak part of the world, and the weather guessers are calling for 105 degree temperatures tomorrow (but over on the European side of base, they're only calling for 40 degrees. Lousy greedy Celsius lovers, stealing all our colder temperatures). Looking out into the desert today, I really started to wonder ...

... how did "Hurricane" end? Did Denzel get out of jail? Did he kill someone? I just won't know until I get home, rent the movie and watch the rest.

Sigh. War is hell.

Proof of work, part III

Troops take out frustrations with dodgeball

More sunshine and puppies stories. I'll get to real news soon. Of course, they put this one on the front page, so maybe I should skip the real news.

Another day, another base (part 72)

I'm taking to the air again tonight and heading down south (finally) to yet another new base and yet another new bed. I'll probably have one more move after this, a short one that doesn't require military aircraft, and then get to stay with the same folks for at least a week, which will be nice. Things have been going well but I don't think I've seen the same person two days in a row since I got here.

I forgot to mention the most heart-shattering thing about my trip to Kabul -- my new Afghanistan press ID. My hair is all stumpy and characterless. My other IDs have already started making fun of it.

Sigh. Oh well. At least all the Army girls have complimented me on it. Hopefully the boys down south will think it makes me pretty too.

Proof of work, part II

Villagers celebrate bridge opening

Another day, another base

In the last week I’ve already slept in four different beds, and tonight we’ll make it five. I headed up north to Kabul today to get my press stuff squared away, and I’ll be moving back south tomorrow to actually embed with my unit and start working. (Of course, I’ve already written three stories, but I haven’t done any work yet.)

At this point, I just want to get somewhere where I can find the bathrooms quickly. But this camp does have a laundromat, so everyone at my next stop will be very much appreciative of that.

Since the pictures were such a hit yesterday (and since I’m using a good old commercial internet line this time) let’s throw a few more scenes out there for you:


This is Bagram Air Base, really the hub of all U.S. operations in Afghanistan. Note the imposing mountains in the distance – when the Russians first came here this was a valley swamp which they promptly filled in to make a landing strip. So now the area is a searing dust bowl, but when the skies clear the mountains are really incredible looking.

For my trip up to Kabul I took a helicopter, and as is standard every time I’m in a helicopter…


… they left one of the doors open. Seriously, this is the fifth open-air 1,000-foot-altitude flight I’ve taken in my life (including one in a biplane, I kid you not). And I’ve got a thing with heights. This dude sat on the edge of the bird the whole flight, scanning the ground for bad guys and acting as if he was lounging in a deck chair (note the little cushion under his tushie). I managed not to hyperventilate this time, but I did have a good white-knuckles grip on that camera.

More pictures coming when I get home of everything, but I wanted to give y’all a glimpse at over here. It’s very gray and khaki everywhere, but there are the occasional blotches of hue that remind me I haven’t gone colorblind yet.

Also, we’ll have some more story links tomorrow (with professional pictures this time). If you can’t wait, you know where to find them, anytime after 5pm today.

Outside the wire

I might not get to post again for a few days -- more traveling to come -- but for now lets give a quick recap of today. Now with photos!!


I spent today in the mountains of Parwan province near a town called Nawaj -- it's the one on the hill. The locals just finished rebuilding that bridge with money from the coalition, so they threw a small "thank you" ceremony which included ...


... lunch for everyone! On the menu was lamb, some unitentifiable meatball type product, some rice mixed with dates and marberries (think blackberries, but not bitter). Pictured here are some of the village elders and the governor of the province, along with some military folks. I chatted with a 24-year-old Afghan interpreter who spent several years in Pakistan as a refugee and called the sheep with big rumps all around the area "J Lo sheep."

It was very cool, and unlike this military base it was also very beautiful. Think the Poconos with fewer trees and many more Afgans. We'll have a write up in the paper on Thursday.

First sign of acutal work being done

Check it out: I'm no longer a slacker.

Visit to Afghanistan on Rumsfeld’s upcoming itinerary

More to come later in the week.

Oh, that's a long one

I’ve got a few days in northern Afghanistan and then more travel, but while I’m relaxing a bit let’s recap the last few days in great detail, written in real-time as I lived through it:

(Please note: Even as this was going on, it was pretty funny. Me and a handful of the rest of the small Afghanistan-bound crew kept laughing as something else went wrong. So I’m OK, Mom.)

Saturday, 0700 hours Germany time: Wake up, call about my 10am flight. Find out it has been canceled. Go looking for breakfast.

0800: After checking my e-mail, decide to check on the flight again. The terminal officials tell me the flight is still on, but I need to be there by 9am to get on.

0858: Arrive at the terminal with my three bags (total weight: around 75 pounds).

0930: Find out I’ve been bumped from the flight. Flirt with the young soldier who said she liked my Ohio State hat and new haircut. Still bumped from the flight. Told to come back at 1430 to see if I can get a seat on the 1630 flight.

1200: Seats for the 1630 flight open up and are gone in 20 minutes. Luckily, and because I didn’t trust them, I never left the terminal. I’m number six on the list.

1530: Just realized this isn’t a 1630 flight. It’s an 1830 flight, with a 1630 boarding time. I still haven’t left the terminal.

1629: Just realized that there’s no way this thing will board at 1630.

1730: Get into the boarding terminal, see that this flight is run by ATA. Consider quitting rather than board an ATA flight. Get on anyway.

1830: Pilot announces we’re ready for takeoff.

1850: Plane moves for the first time, backwards about 20 feet, then stops.

1910: Plane moves for the second time, forward into its original parking spot.

1930: Plane moves for the third time, backwards about 20 feet, then stops. This is pretty much standard ATA operating procedure.

1950: Plane actually leaves the ground.

1951: Right after takeoff, on the way up, a stream of freezing cold water spills from the overhead compartments onto my shoulder, and someone about 15 rows back is hit with a falling piece of ceiling. The male stewardess tells both of us not to worry about it.

2320: Land on the ground in Turkey. The entire plane is emptied so they can refuel and put out clean pillows and headphones, at which point we’ll all get back in our exact same seats.

0050, Sunday: After a 45 minute immigration process, we return to the plane.

0120: Upon takeoff, a stream of freezing cold water spills from the overhead compartments onto my shoulder. I use my new, clean pillow to sop up the water.

0520: Land in Kyrgyzstan. Local time is actually 0920, but since I’ll have to reset my watch again in a few hours, I’m sticking with German time.

0700: Finish immigration processing in Manus. Go to the flight terminal. Told that a plane with 90 open seats is leaving for Afghanistan in one hour. But if I wanted to be on that flight, I needed to be in this terminal 30 minutes ago, instead of somewhere else.

0800: Plane takes off with 90 empty seats. Forty other Bagram-bound passengers and I are told the next flight will be at 1430 Germany time, but seats will go up at 1230.

1200: Check on the flight, find out it has been cancelled. Next flight will be in 24 hours.

1330: After getting a tent, lie down to take a nap.

1331: Another Buckeyes fan who I befriended on the plane (I love my Ohio State hat) runs into my tent to tell me they opened a new flight, but they haven’t announced it.

1332: I’m across the base pleading for a seat on the flight. I’m now number two of 18 seats.

1430: I grab a quick dinner at the base dining hall. On the menu: Lobster tail, fried shrimp, ribs. I skip the ribs to leave room for mint chocolate chip ice cream for dessert.

1630: Board the bus to get on the flight. Drive out to the airstrip, find out the cargo plane has mechanical problems. Return to the terminal.

1800: Get back on the bus to return to the airstrip.

1830: The C-17 takes off. I’m sitting on the side of the plane, looking inward at a pile of our luggage.

1835: The C-17 levels off. I’m sitting on the side of the plane, looking inward at our luggage now strewn across about 30 feet of cargo plane floor.

2030: We land at Bagram Air Base, Afghanistan, my final destination … for the weekend. More travel to come later in the week, but now maybe I can find a bed and a shower. Local time is 10pm, because they have to be 30 minutes off from the rest of the world.

That’s traveling with the military, kids: 37.5 hours to get from Germany to Afghanistan. A little less than 10 hours actually in the air, and much of the rest waiting in terminals, traveling to terminals, and trying to get out of terminals. I’m no worse for the wear, but I am considering Hertz rent-a-car for my trip back next month.

Live, from Afghanistan!

Famous last words -- As soon as I said it would be days before I'd get out of Stan-stan-istan, another flight opened and I hopped on. After a quick two-hour flight in a C-17 (think of a warehouse with wings) I hit Bagram just before midnight on Sunday. Now, it think it's only 16 or 17 more stops before I actually start to get work done....

Internet is sketchy right now and I never did get that nap, so we'll keep this post short. But I can tell you that my first impression of Afghanistan was ... it's really windy. And dark. Hopefully I'll get a better read in the morning.

Live, from Kygyzstan

I'll give you a full recap of how I got here after I get a nap in, but here are the relevant points for now:

-- I've slept for three of the last 32 hours and about eight of the last 56. I actually spent 20 hours straight going from terminal to plane to terminal to plane to base.

-- I've watched four movies in those 32 hours: Dude Where's My Car (simply terrible), Last Holiday (actually better than you'd expect, but crap), Big Momma's House 2 (without the first one I really couldn't follow the subtle plotlines) and Fantastic Four (the only good part of the movie was Jessica Alba, so I enjoyed it very much).

-- I'm now as far away from America as I've ever been (by far). The optimist in me says every move from here on out brings me closer to home. The pessimist went out cold from exhaustion about 30 minutes ago.

-- I'm still not where I need to be. Manas is the major refueling hub for all aircraft out of Afghanistan, but that still doesn't mean it's easy to get from one to the other. I might be stuck here for a few days, but if I am there are a few easy stories I can run down.

The good news is this is a rustic but safe base, and I've already visited the dining hall and showers, thank gawd. If I get stuck here, the only stress will be boredom.

My next chance to get into Afghanistan will be at 3am Monday morning (5pm Sunday DC time, 3pm Sunday New Mexico time. Hi, Jenny!) So keep your fingers crossed, or it could be a long week.

.... or maybe not not

Make that a 330pm flight to Turkey to Kyrgystan to Afghanistan. They had 16 seats available on the 10am flight, and I was 17th on the list they put together yesterday. Buggers.

I'm starting to wonder if this site is going to be nothing but updates from the Ramstein terminal. They've got a Subway sandwhich shop in here, so it has that loverly Subway funk everywhere.

.... or maybe not

Another day of "Hurry up and wait." The military had no space for little old me on any of their flights to Afghanistan today, so it's a relaxing evening at Ramstein Air Base for me until my flight tomorrow. The downside is boredom, but the upside is a chance to watch some good old fashioned American TV courtesy of the military networks. After a week of CNN International, the O.C. never looked so good....

... OK, the O.C. still sucks. But Simpsons will be on around 8. That's something.

Tomorrow's plans call for a 10am flight to Turkey, followed by a flight to Kyrgyzstan, followed by a flight to Afghanistan. The good news is that right now it looks like I'll be taking some sort of charter jet, as opposed to a big, noisy cargo plane. The bad news is that it might take me three months to get over there.

One last note from Germany

A few of you mentioned it in yesterday's comments, but I just thought you all should know:

Even in Germany, with an ocean between me and the states, I still can't get away from Terrell Owens news.

Maybe they have some law against news reports on that dope in Afghanistan. That'd make the whole trip so much more relaxing....

Places all over the place

To help those of you easily confused with geography, I've officially switched the site to "Off base from Fort Awesome" for the time being. I don't want any of you to think that any old military facility can become Fort Awesome just because Capt. Awesome is passing through. I'm on leave from the fort, so to speak.

Looks like Friday afternoon I'll be hopping on that military jet, getting out of Germany and flying into Kabul (with possible stops in Greece and Kyrgyzstan, wherever that is).

I just finished training on all my equipment, so I should be able to update this site either via satellite or though carrier pigeon, whichever is more reliable. Likely it'll be the pigeon.

Italia! Italia!

I spent the evening yesterday in a German city drinking an Austrian beer in a Mexican resturant watching Italian fans go crazy over the soccer game. I can't think of a better way to celebrate America's independence.

I also learned several very important lessons: There are a lot of Italians in Germany right now, so many that several major routes in Darmstadt were closed down as they cruised around waving their flags and honking their horns (outside my hotel, until 3am). And I wish I had my voice recorder on me during the game, because I could have captured the sound of an entire nation screaming at once when Germany gave up that goal in the 118th minute.

They keep telling me that at some point I'll start doing work over here, but so far it's just beer, soccer and sleep, not necessarily in that order.

One flight down

I landed in Frankfurt about three hours ago and am now relaxing in our European offices in ... where the heck am I? Greisham? Maybe... I dunno. But I've got a hotel and apparently a few folks to watch the soccer match tonight, so all is well.

And that's saying a lot, considering that lousy Lufthansa flight:

-- In flight movie: "Take the Lead." Antonio Banderas teaches inner city youths the joy of ballroom dancing. Ugh.

-- In flight reading: USA Today's story about how tough it is to be an Hotlanta Braves fan. Only 14 division championships in a row? My heart weeps for them.

-- In flight exercise: Balancing on one foot during the six hours of turbulence. Plane shaking while one is in the bathroom is not fun.

So I've earned that beer and soccer tonight, if I can make it until 9 pm (or, in DC time, 645am last Sunday.)

Last night in town

Ok, kids, it's time. Tomorrow evening I leave U.S. soil to visit our good German friends for a few days, and then off to Afghanistan after that. I'll try to keep posting once I get over there, but I've had to limit my incoming hotmail to just the addresses already in the book. So, unless you regularly get witty messages from me, email me at the work address.

Everybody stay safe, and we'll pick this up again on the other side of the world.

A little R&R

I'm back on base at Fort Awesome after getting my seal of approval from the crazy Brits. I'll be shipping out on Monday, so until then I'll be relaxing and packing and trying to get this theatrical blood out of my clothes.

If you've got any advice for an eight-hour plane ride, now is the time, kids.

Out damn spot, out!

We've been doing some fairly intensive first aid training out here, so today's lessons were fairly disgusting:

-- Medical instructors have a great time playing with fake blood.

-- A simulated severed hand is still really freaky.

-- Brits have a good time spraying fake blood in your face when they think you might be panicking.

-- Fake blood does not taste very good.

Luckily everything was in a controlled environment, and the answer to most of the questions were "You're never actually going to need this stuff, but just in case ...", and despite all the mess the instructors were basically complimentary to all of us, so we're all good.

But there's still a little red stuff in my ears...

After-hours learnin'

We covered a lot more first-aid and general safety stuff today, but the really important lesson was delivered late last night over beers with the instructors:

-- English soccer fans are all insane.

Just a few hours after we finished a series of lectures on how to handle head trauma and deep puncture wounds, our British experts regaled us with stories of going to matches between fairly insignificant rivals (think Phillies vs. Padres) and starting brawls before the game, starting brawls in the stadium, and then meeting in predetermined areas after the match to rumble with opposing fans.

One guy had a story about a man with a false arm who was banned from the games because he gouged too many people's eyes out with his hook. And did you know you can fit two blades in those exacto knives, thereby making it much harder to stitch up the wound afterwards? Now you do.

Seriously, next time I hear somebody complain about batteries at a baseball game I'm gonna smash my head in with a brick. Then I'm gonna launch into a lecture on the proper way to smack someone in the head with a brick, as told by the Brits.

More tips from off-base

Day two was even more informative than day one:

-- If needed, I can drag a 200-pound unconscious man across a room, but I can't do much of anything after that.

-- Horse farms smell bad in the heat and the rain.

-- Kevlar can slow down bullets but apparently have trouble dealing with exposure to water. Cheap windbreakers are superior apparel in the rain but aren't as effective against small arms fire.

-- If you're performing first aid on someone and they're screaming at you, you don't really need to check for a pulse. They've got one.

-- British Royal Marines' jokes about mines really aren't that funny. But you still should laugh.

Tomorrow's lesson is going to be how to deal with potentially dangerous situations in foreign countries experiencing an inch of rain each hour. At this rate, Thursday's lesson will involve getting on an ark with two of each animal.

Off base in Virginia

The big trip started today with a week of pseudo-military training for reporters in the shadown of the Shenendoah tourist traps. So far, here's what I've learned:

-- I can't tell the difference between a gun and a camera tripod at 300 yards. Also, I can't tell the difference between a man and a tree at 300 yards.

-- Horse farms smell pretty bad in the summertime.

-- If you're hiring a driver in a foriegn country, make sure he at least has a spare tire in his car.

-- Even if it pours 10 inches in the previous six hours, you should still be wearing suntan lotion when the sun comes back out.

-- Canadian journalists do refer to themselves as canucks.

More to come as the week rolls on...

By the way

Long hair and combat zones don't mix, mostly for heat and sanitary reasons, so...


I know I usually do some great things with photoshop, but I assure you this is real. And very, very weird.

Where I'll be until September

Some of you already know this, and for the rest of you I'm sorry I haven't called to explain it yet, but here's your heads up: I'll be traveling to Afghanistan on July 7 and be reporting on U.S. military operations there until Aug. 11.

Yeah, it's really wacky. I'll do anything to get out of mowing the lawn.

Every two years or so, every reporter who works at Stars and Stripes spends six weeks downrange to report on the troops (that's what we do after all) and what's going on in the combat zones. This isn't why I took the job, but I do believe it's an important part of what we do, and it's also something that I think I can help a lot of people with. Most of my reporting will simply be "life in Afghanistan" type stories about how guys are coping with the heat and being away from home, but there will also be some "how to stay safe" and "what exactly are we doing here" reports as well. Troops serving overseas deserve to read the news too.

I actually head out to Virginia for training next week then head to Germany on July 3 to pick up my computer and other equipment, and I'll spend a week in Germany after my time in Asia is up. So I'll be back in the U.S. Aug 18, jet-lagged and likely pretty dusty.

My darling wife will be looking for some kind words and friendly faces during the time I'm gone, so please please please drop her a line and see if there's anything you can do to help her out. If you can curse about the lack of a hefty Eagles RB for third-and-short situations, she might not even notice that I'm not around.

I will have e-mail while I'm overseas. Mainly it will be through the work address, but hopefully I'll also have some access to this blog to keep you kids updated, so keep checking in.

Send me some Phillies scores and say a prayer for me while I'm gone (if you need a God to pray to, it probably counts double if you pray to mine). I'll be back in plenty of time to set up the fantasy football league, so somebody keep Donovan McNabb away from motorcycles while I'm gone.

And we'll have a big Labor Day party at Fort Awesome when I get back, so mark your calendars now.

Seen in slower Delaware

Which is funnier:

Billboard -- "Credence Clearwater Revisted, July 27"

or....

Billboard -- "Think chuch is boring? Try us!"

Just relaxing watching the Phils....

What I've seen so far:

** With two outs in the top of the second and no one on base, the Mets manage to squeeze a run out of the inning.

** With no outs in the bottom of the second and two men on base, the Phils manage to come away with no runs scored.

** In the top of the third, the Phils manage two errors after giving up a solo home run and drop behind on the scoreboard 6-0.

You know what? That hockey game on NBC suddenly looks very interesting.

Fun with headlines

Time for everyone's favorite game, Yahoo news story or Weekly World News alert?

Polar bears may be turning to cannibalism

San Fran hires nudes to protect Golden Gate bridge

Jehovah's use bullhorns on those who don't answer their doors

Beer ingredient may fight prostate cancer

Monks chastized for noisy World Cup celebrations

Man offers soul for sale online

More Eagles predictions

Sports Illustrated online has a list of breakout stars for 2006, and Philadelphia behemoth Shawn Andrews makes the list.

And while I'm not one to turn down a compliment, that's ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong -- that this dump truck of a man is gonna be a great stopper. But even if he's a Pro-Bowler, no one is going to have any idea who he is.

Think I'm wrong? Name one Pro-Bowl O-lineman from last year. Scratch that. Name two offensive lineman who played for an NFL team other than the Eagles last year.

Yeah, me either.

Of course, that didn't stop the Eagles from signing Andrews to a seven-year deal today.

By the way, Dawkins is in the last year of his contract. That needs to be fixed. NOW.

Nobody is gay for Moleman

I made a few changes to the sidebars over there, with more to come. But I wanted to get Don't Blog the Baby over there so we could all see the Little Cracker trying to raise his newborn son.

By the way, you're gay for Moleman.

More fun with Madden

To predict how the season opener against Houston will turn out, I fired up the ole' Madden 2006 game again today. I'm pretty sure this is an accurate prediction:


The final score doesn't tell the real story.


For your information, the previous record for receiving yards in a game was 339 (Willie Anderson, 1989, LA Rams) and the previous record for total yards from scrimmage was 404 (Glyn Milburn, 1995, Denver). Westbrook had a 65 yard rushing TD, a 97 yard receiving TD, and another 70 yard TD catch. McNabb threw for 449 yards and 7 TDs and wasn't even worth a mention.

Again I say, why can't more football games be like this?

Baby baby baby, baby!

Congrats go out to Mr. Thal and his lovely wife (who did all the work) on the birth of yet another Thal, Aidan Patrick "Lou Tilley" Lilienthal. You can read all about the happy news at the wonderfully named Don't Blog the Baby without a Blog Cloth, which I'll soon be adding to the sidebar list of sites that are actually funny (unlike this one).

For the record, it appears I was a little off with my prediction of what the baby would look like.


They're both cute kids, but I guess I'd have to give the edge to the real Aidan. Maybe the next one will have his father's scruff.

Happy Birthday wishes

Better late than never, I recently got some Happy Birthday messages from some of G's closest friends, and they asked me to pass them along:

Um.......

Did Prince just perform on American Idol?

That Prince?

Holy.....

Tomorrow's paper in LA

While I'm getting the Fox out of my system, I got a copy of the LA Times on Tuesday, the day after Jack Bauer was finished rampaging through his 24 hours of hell.



Make sure to click on the picture to open up the whole picture and fully see the depths of my insanity. After it opens a new window, hold your mouse over the pic for a second and click on the little box on the bottom right.

Disturbing American Idol stuff

Since this is my last chance to post about these jokers, and since 50 million people watched that final sing off tonight between Katherine McPhee and Tayolr Hicks, here are a few observations:

*** Best sign: This Hick Loves Hicks.
Worst sign: Fox identified Tori Spelling as "Katherine's family."

*** I saw at least five Ford commercials, and I heard this week that a 30 second ad cost $1.3 million (third among TV shows, behind only the Oscars and El Super Bowla). Even if they got a discount and only paid $5 million, that's enough cash to hand out 250 free Mustangs, which probably would have been much better publicity.

*** When they announced there was a special guest, I could have sworn it was the Registrar of Alabama there to confirm that Taylor is actually 47 years old. Dude has more gray hair than Sean Connery, but I'm supposed to believe he's 29? C'mon. I sat through a whole season of 24, and I can't swallow that. Even my hair isn't that bad.

*** I wish I had bought stock in the song "You had a bad day." Every 14-year-old girl in the country has been brainwashed into loving that weeny little Canadian guy. There's gotta be some way we can make money off that.

*** When 9 p.m. rolled around, my Tivo switched over to NBC's disaster movie 10.5 Apocalypse. You know, I didn't even notice that I wasn't still watching American Idol...

*** And for all you gamblers out there, put the money on Taylor and pick the over on the vote totals (60 million is the over/under, but I bet 75 million votes were cast).

Disturbing pics, part 3

The most disturbing picture I've ever taken -- this was a puppet shop on the side of a hill in Prague. We still have nightmares.

Disturbing pics, part 2

More from the camera.


This sign sits along Route 301 just north of the Maryland/Delaware border. Again, no clue. Maybe there are a lot of frog-related train derailments in the area.

Disturbing pics, part 1

I was cleaning off the digital camera today, and found a number of disturbing, random pictures on there.

So, rather than actually get rid of them , let's make it into a recurring theme. For picture number 1 ...


This was a statue in Prague (from a trip last fall) titled "Man Peeing." The little girl who was studying it with us didn't have any better answers.

More to come ...

New favorite Phillie

If you run headfirst into a wall trying to make a catch, then pull out "For who? For what?" as your explanation, you're the greatest Philadelphia baseball player since Darren Daulton made some sense.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, go read the Inky now.

Seriously, he needs a nickname and a fan club right away.

Fun with Google

If you don't check in on Google Labs frequently, you should -- they're always putting fun new stuff up there. Today they released a tool where you can see how often certain search terms come up.

For example, if you did a search for Chuck Norris you would see searches in his name spiking right around the time the 30 facts about his life came out.

You can even compare, say, Chuck Norris to Jesus, you would see that at the height of his popularity the master of roundhouse kicks was as popular with Google searchers as our Lord and Savior, master of everything but roundhouse kicks.

I bring this up, of course, to confirm to you what you already knew:


Even in the offseason, the Eagles are vastly more popular than the other Philly sports teams. You can see it for yourself here.

It's not just that the NFL is more popular than everyone else. If you compare the four major sports leagues (We'll include the NHL just for fun) you'll see baseball and basketball taking over during their respective seasons. But even at their lowest, the Birds are right on par with everyone else.

What I'm saying is there's nothing wrong with caring about the Eagles all year long. Everyone else is doing it. And it'll make you feel good. C'mon, just try a little bit.

What happens when there's no football

Some stats from this Madden 06 game:

** Donovan McNabb -- 383 yards passing, 8 TDs, 16 yards rushing, 1 TD
** Brian Westbrook -- 135 rushing, 2 TDs, 65 yards receiving
** Anquan Boldin (traded for TO in the offseason) -- 122 yards receiving, 1 TD, -3 yards rushing
** Javon Kearse -- 5 tackles, 4 sacks, 1 safety
** Sheldon Brown -- 3 tackles, 2 INTs, 2 TDs
** David Akers -- 1 FG (26 yards), 13 extra points

Why can't all football be like this?

You must be kidding me

I'm feeling that Phils' pride ...

No, wait, that's too strong.

I'm feeling that Phils' not shame. Yeah, not shame.

Parenting 101

This is the right way to raise a kid.

Nine in a row?????

Now I've gotta say something about the Phillies....

Um ....

Woo-hoo?

While I try and decide if I'm back on the bandwagon, take a look at the first tenth of the season vs the second tenth. If my math is right, they should go 18 and negative-two over the next 16 games.

	First 16 games	Next 16 Games
Wins	6	12
Losses	10	4
Phils runs per game	4.5	5.5
Opponents RPG	6.2	3.9
Phils ERA	5.66	3.55
Opponents ERA	3.96	5.62
Phils total hits	143	143
Phils home runs	23	19
Phils strikeouts (batting)	88	115

That's right -- the Phillies struck out more and hit fewer home runs and managed to double their win total.

I'm still deciding....

Tomorrow's post: Why Candyland stinks

The wonderful folks at Hasboro have been working furiously to destroy the beloved game Monopoly for the last month -- After May 12, the game will no longer feature Park Place and Boardwalk but instead feature some of the great (and some really crappy) landmarks from major cities throughout the country.

And they're letting people vote on it.

I don't know how many presidential elections this country is going to have to go through before we all demand a king (or military coup, with Fort Awesome as its HQ) and realize that there are certain things people shouldn't be allowed to vote on.

So the public gets to choose among such wonderful Cleveland sites like Jacob's Field, Elucid Street and ... something else that has the same photo of Elucid Street. They couldn't even get a third photo in there, for the love of gawd.

Sorry -- I'll post a picture later -- blogger is broken yet again. If it wasn't free, I'd have to complain.

Or, if you travel down to New Orleans, you can vote on three things that no longer look anything like the pictures supplied.

But none of that is my problem -- who cares how lesser cities are represented for future generations. My problem, as you probably guessed, is with the Philly choices:

*** The Liberty Bell
*** Independence Hall
*** Ben Franklin parkway (a "cultrual mecca, including museums and educational institutions" )

Independence Hall is a great symbol of the city as the birthplace of the country, and the line they give there about Ben Franklin parkway combined the majesty of optimistic thinking and good old-fashioned American BS.

But we all know what's going to win: That damn loser bell.

That broken chime is the symbol of everything that's wrong with Philly today. It's the physical embodiment of "trying hard" and "perservence" with the silently understood "but still failing" afterwards. Anywhere else, they would have fixed the crack or thrown it away and bought a new bell. Not here, though. Here it get fixed enough for it not to crack more, but not enough to be used. And we revere it.

When Rocky lost to Apollo in the first movie, he was the Liberty Bell in action: Impressive and inspiring, but not enough to amount to anything real. Every time a Philly sports team makes a run, they Liberty Bell it just enough to get further than they should but just short of the top spot.

And I blame the Liberty Bell (and Greg Jeffries). We need to ditch it in the harbor like so much Boston tea and embrace a symbol befitting the city's grace and not-New-Jersey-scent.

So I implore you: Go here and vote for Independence Hall. Save our fair city from another decade of this albatross of a symbol. And while your there, see if you can figure out a way to vote for the site of Kennedy's assassination on the Dallas page. Isn't that what people really think of?

What sport was I just watching?

In case you missed the hockey games last night, here's the box score between the Sabres and the Senators:


For the record, there were 15 baseball games last night, and 10 of them had less scoring than this match-up. The Padres won their game 1-zip in the 11th inning.

But in this ice contest, three of the goals came in the first four minutes of the game, and three more came in the last two minutes of the third period. The game-winner came 18 second into overtime.

Welcome to the new NHL.

Tonight's top story

The streets run red with Burgundy's blood.

That is all.

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I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that the Flyers won't come back in this game, down by six goals with nine minutes left, which means yet another sports season has passed for the good fans of Philly without a championship.

For those of you keeping score at home, since the '83 Sixers took home the NBA title, the city has gone nearly 23 years without a championship. That means that kids born in 1984 are old enough to drink and haven't had a reason to raise a glass of champagne to sports glory for their entire lives. That should scare you.

To put it another way, that's 88 sporting seasons (not including strikes) since Philly has had a title. We'll hit the 100 mark in 2009 unless one of these teams does something soon.

Or, if you prefer, it's more than 7,600 regular season and playoff games since we've had real satisfaction. I'm getting sick of facing the Panthers (Florida or Carolina)and Giants (New York or San Fran) and Bucs (Tampa Bay or Milwaukee) and Devils (New Jersey or Dallas Cowboys) without any gratifying closure.

So, while I wallow in self-pity for a bit, here's a video of Brian Dawkins hitting people to make you a little happier.

Ahhhhh ... I feel better already. Look at little Alge Crumpler crumple.

Greatest T-shirt ever

A gift from Major Dingus and his loverly wife:


Major Dingus is now in line for a promotion.

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