But before we can get to any of that, it’s time for one of our most important annual traditions. No, not carving dopey faces into potatoes for Eli Manning Appreciation Day (That’s Oct. 17, by the way). It’s time to announce the fantasy league draft order for the year. For everyone who forgets how the scientific process is handled, here are the long-established rules.
And the name selection is being handled again this season by the younger half of the stars of the Junior Awesome blog, since the older half is an active participant in the league (also, he’s too tall and can see into the helmet to pick out the names he wants). And since you all can’t be here to witness it live, everyone’s proxies are ready and waiting. The first four names have been submitted, so our first unlucky loser is …
Pick #12 — Pop
Wow, that’s so weird. Pop’s name shouldn't even be in the helmet right now, since he finished 5th last year. It’s almost as if his cheating from last year has carried over into this season and affected the draft order. So weird. Pop’s proxy, a picture of Bill Belechick smiling, nods in understanding. Let’s just move on quickly to the next name.
Pick #11 — Capt. Awesome
I would like it known that I came up with these draft order rules in 2009 and NOT ONCE HAVE THEY HELPED ME OUT. I finished second last year, and I’ll pick second from last. So that’s fair, I guess. But I’m still making the girl child sleep outside. My proxy, a picture of Taylor Swift singing, encourages me to find some way to ignore the negativity and move on with my endeavors. To brush it away, so to speak. I do, and we pick the next name out of the helmet.
Pick #10 — Grandmom Linda
The 2022 Awesome Cup champion has entered the stadium. Thanks to her granddaughter, Mom moves up two spots from where she should be picking, but will still have to defend her title from the back-end of the draft order. Her representative, a picture of Eagles QB Jalen Hurts — himself drafted at the back end of the second round — stares confidently, just like it’s first and goal from the one-yard line. As the offensive line opens a huge hole, we dive in and pick out the next name.
Pick #9 — Ant
Last year, this screwy process got Ant the first overall pick in the draft. This year, it drops him down several spots to the latter half of the order. The football gods can be cruel. Just ask Buffalo. Ant’s proxy, a picture of John Kruk singing with a country band, throws his name slip into a burning ring of fire in protest. The girl child asks if we can make more Taylor Swift references. We soldier on.
Pick #8 — Mike
Apparently Mike isn’t the favorite uncle anymore, because his niece pushed him back several spots in the standings in favor of other family members. Pretty cold. Mike’s proxy, a replica of the signed Mike Mamula picture that he owns, tries to tackle someone in a fit of rage, but he arrives too late to make meaningful contact. We’ve already run past him to the next pick.
Pick #6 — Jeff
This is right by where Jeff should have picked, so I guess no harm.Not a lot of excitement either. Jeff’s proxy, a photo of former Ohio State QB C.J. Stroud looking bored, barely registers any reaction. The boy asks if someone wearing #7 should represent the #6 pick. He is reminded to remain quiet until his name is picked. The next name goes into the hat, then the next victim out is …
Pick #5 — Bob
The girl child has it out for coaches this year, and Bobert is the latest victim. He finished 9th last year but falls one spot lower in the draft order selection. His stand-in, a picture of Dr. Who playing British football with James Corden, appears as confused with the process as you are with that last phrase. Let’s all just move on quickly.
Pick #12 — Pop
Wow, that’s so weird. Pop’s name shouldn't even be in the helmet right now, since he finished 5th last year. It’s almost as if his cheating from last year has carried over into this season and affected the draft order. So weird. Pop’s proxy, a picture of Bill Belechick smiling, nods in understanding. Let’s just move on quickly to the next name.
Pick #11 — Capt. Awesome
I would like it known that I came up with these draft order rules in 2009 and NOT ONCE HAVE THEY HELPED ME OUT. I finished second last year, and I’ll pick second from last. So that’s fair, I guess. But I’m still making the girl child sleep outside. My proxy, a picture of Taylor Swift singing, encourages me to find some way to ignore the negativity and move on with my endeavors. To brush it away, so to speak. I do, and we pick the next name out of the helmet.
Pick #10 — Grandmom Linda
The 2022 Awesome Cup champion has entered the stadium. Thanks to her granddaughter, Mom moves up two spots from where she should be picking, but will still have to defend her title from the back-end of the draft order. Her representative, a picture of Eagles QB Jalen Hurts — himself drafted at the back end of the second round — stares confidently, just like it’s first and goal from the one-yard line. As the offensive line opens a huge hole, we dive in and pick out the next name.
Pick #9 — Ant
Last year, this screwy process got Ant the first overall pick in the draft. This year, it drops him down several spots to the latter half of the order. The football gods can be cruel. Just ask Buffalo. Ant’s proxy, a picture of John Kruk singing with a country band, throws his name slip into a burning ring of fire in protest. The girl child asks if we can make more Taylor Swift references. We soldier on.
Pick #8 — Mike
Apparently Mike isn’t the favorite uncle anymore, because his niece pushed him back several spots in the standings in favor of other family members. Pretty cold. Mike’s proxy, a replica of the signed Mike Mamula picture that he owns, tries to tackle someone in a fit of rage, but he arrives too late to make meaningful contact. We’ve already run past him to the next pick.
Pick #7 — Jo
About time. By all rights our champion from 2021 (or, as we like to say around here, “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” ) should have picked 10th. But her daughter in a show of solidarity leaves her name in the helmet for a few more rounds, giving her a boost. Her representative, a picture of a OT Jordan Mailata performing on the Masked Singer, croons a lively scale in response. The girl says she has a suggestion for the next song. The next name looms.
About time. By all rights our champion from 2021 (or, as we like to say around here, “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” ) should have picked 10th. But her daughter in a show of solidarity leaves her name in the helmet for a few more rounds, giving her a boost. Her representative, a picture of a OT Jordan Mailata performing on the Masked Singer, croons a lively scale in response. The girl says she has a suggestion for the next song. The next name looms.
Pick #6 — Jeff
This is right by where Jeff should have picked, so I guess no harm.Not a lot of excitement either. Jeff’s proxy, a photo of former Ohio State QB C.J. Stroud looking bored, barely registers any reaction. The boy asks if someone wearing #7 should represent the #6 pick. He is reminded to remain quiet until his name is picked. The next name goes into the hat, then the next victim out is …
Pick #5 — Bob
The girl child has it out for coaches this year, and Bobert is the latest victim. He finished 9th last year but falls one spot lower in the draft order selection. His stand-in, a picture of Dr. Who playing British football with James Corden, appears as confused with the process as you are with that last phrase. Let’s all just move on quickly.
Pick #4 — Jonathan
Oh boy. The other child finished fourth last year, but thanks to whatever secret arrangement he had with his sister, he moves up five spots in the standings for this year’s fantasy draft. I’m questioning whether the process is fair. The boy is questioning why I’m questioning it. The girl is questioning why we can’t have Taylor Swift playing in the background while all this boring stuff happens. Jonathan’s proxy, a picture of Eagles K Jake Elliot if he were made of Legos, just smiles blockily. Only a few names are left, let’s get this finished already.
Oh boy. The other child finished fourth last year, but thanks to whatever secret arrangement he had with his sister, he moves up five spots in the standings for this year’s fantasy draft. I’m questioning whether the process is fair. The boy is questioning why I’m questioning it. The girl is questioning why we can’t have Taylor Swift playing in the background while all this boring stuff happens. Jonathan’s proxy, a picture of Eagles K Jake Elliot if he were made of Legos, just smiles blockily. Only a few names are left, let’s get this finished already.
Pick #3 — Sam
This is exactly where Sam picked last year, and it did not work out well for him then. Maybe 2023 will be different? His proxy, a picture of Duce Staley in Panthers gear, is both unsettled and unsettling. Like, seeing him as a Lions coach was bad enough. Now the Panthers? And in his own anniversary year? Not cool. Desperately trying to erase the image from my mind, we turn to the last two picks.
Pick #2 — Joel
A slight bump in the draft order for Joel, who finished third from the bottom last season but will get to pick one of the top two players this season. His representative, a picture of Bears K Cairo Santos, wonders if he was selected for any reason other than he wears #2. He was not. The girl asks if she is finally done, and she is, because the only name left in the helmet is …
Pick #1 — Paul
This is the second time in three years Paul wins the pre-season draft order contest, which is appropriate because Paul usually sets his roster for two or three weeks before completely forgetting about the league. His stand-in, a picture of Paul working hard scouring the waiver wire last year, pumps his fist proudly in the air. Congrats. Now let’s see him build upon that.
OK, folks. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime on Saturday (Sept. 2). Time to get your draft rankings all ready. As I say every year, remember to set your pre-draft rankings to avoid injured players and players who will be injured again soon (and as I say every year, we’re looking at you, Miles Sanders). And get those Cowboys off your list. Nothing good comes from drafting them. Best of luck to all, and by that, I mean I hope to see you all below me in the standings soon.
This is exactly where Sam picked last year, and it did not work out well for him then. Maybe 2023 will be different? His proxy, a picture of Duce Staley in Panthers gear, is both unsettled and unsettling. Like, seeing him as a Lions coach was bad enough. Now the Panthers? And in his own anniversary year? Not cool. Desperately trying to erase the image from my mind, we turn to the last two picks.
Pick #2 — Joel
A slight bump in the draft order for Joel, who finished third from the bottom last season but will get to pick one of the top two players this season. His representative, a picture of Bears K Cairo Santos, wonders if he was selected for any reason other than he wears #2. He was not. The girl asks if she is finally done, and she is, because the only name left in the helmet is …
Pick #1 — Paul
This is the second time in three years Paul wins the pre-season draft order contest, which is appropriate because Paul usually sets his roster for two or three weeks before completely forgetting about the league. His stand-in, a picture of Paul working hard scouring the waiver wire last year, pumps his fist proudly in the air. Congrats. Now let’s see him build upon that.
OK, folks. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime on Saturday (Sept. 2). Time to get your draft rankings all ready. As I say every year, remember to set your pre-draft rankings to avoid injured players and players who will be injured again soon (and as I say every year, we’re looking at you, Miles Sanders). And get those Cowboys off your list. Nothing good comes from drafting them. Best of luck to all, and by that, I mean I hope to see you all below me in the standings soon.
