2010 fantasy recap, week 16

Nine years ago, the NFL struggled with the decision of whether to postpone their entire slate of games for a weekend after the deadliest terrorist attack on American soil stunned the nation and grounded every single plane in the country. They did, after several days of deliberation and some emotional patriotic words on both sides of the debate.

On Sunday, the NFL decided to postpone the Eagles/Vikings game after about three hours of listening to weathermen predict unbearably heavy snowfall in New York and Boston, hundreds of miles north of Lincoln Financial Field, because of concerns about how bad the roads outside the stadium might be.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you, as gently as possible, is that the terrorists won.

Hey, Ed Rendell agrees with me.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 42.76 pts – started by Bobert
RB: Jamaal Charles, 26.37 pts – started by Paul
WR: Jerome Simpson, 26.27 pts – sitting on the wire
TE: Kellen Winslow, 25.53 pts – started by Jeff
K: Sebastian Janikowski, 19.00 pts – started by Joel
DEF: New England, 26.00 pts – started by me
D: Antoine Winfield, 18.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Winfield, the Vikings cornerback, got 10 of his 18 pts on that first-half sack-fumble-TD against the Eagles on Monday night. Luckily, the Birds played poorly enough that didn't really matter in the end.

By the way, Heidi's team scored just 59 pts this week, one of the worst outings ever in league history. That's largely because her top RB and starting QB were both benched this week, and she did nothing in response. For comparison's sake, Bobert's starting QB and top running back posted 52 pts on their own.

“Names you know” edition
3rd place: Fred Taylor, -0.30 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Brodie Croyle, -2.08 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Mike Tolbert, -2.20 pts – started by Paul

How is it even possible that Fred Taylor is even playing? His knees were washed up six years ago.

By the way, just last month I wrote this:

"Paul started the worst player in the league for the third time this year. Two times is bad coaching. Three? That's just rotten luck. FYI, four is destiny."

It's destiny, Paul. Sorry.

Think you know the NFL? Then see if you can name which of the following folks are 2010 Pro-Bowlers, and which ones are space Marines from the movie Aliens.

** Al Apone: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Marc Mariani: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Maurkice Pouncey: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Daniel Spunkmeyer: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Logan Mankins: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Vonta Leach: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Trevor Wierzbowski: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer

If you got fewer than five right, game over, man, game over.

On the NFL Network's special Saturday edition of Thursday Night Football (OK, right there, stop. That alone is stupid enough to stop typing this entire section. If you can't decide what day of the week it is, you shouldn't be airing football, driving cars, or speaking on any sort of mass media. I'm going to start having special Monday editions of Saturday afternoon and see if my bosses still expect me to show up for work ...)

On the NFL Network's special Saturday edition of Thursday Night Football, when they were talking about the possibility of the Eagles and Vikings playing in a blizzard, Marshall Faulk let loose the following line:

"This definitely plays in favor of the Vikings, because they're more familiar with this kind of weather. Remember, the Vikings played in a snowstorm last week, the first outdoor game in Minnesota in 23 years."

So, to recap, a team which lost by four touchdowns in their first home outdoor game since Ronald Reagan was president is more equipped to handle bad weather than an Eagles team which plays multiple outdoor home games every winter. Makes perfect sense to me.

The spectacular sports blog The700Level is running a poll right now to pick the most shocking moment in Philadelphia sports for 2010. Here's what their candidates are:

** The Eagles trade Donovan McNabb within the division.
** The Flyers come back from 0-3 down in the playoffs to beat the Bruins in seven.
** The Eagles name Mike Vick their starter.
** The Phillies sign Cliff Lee.
** The Eagles score four TDs in the last 9 minutes to beat the Giants.

While that's a great list, here's what that leaves off:

** Roy Halladay pitches a perfect game.
** The Sixers get the number two pick in the NBA draft.
** Roy Halladay pitches the second no-hitter in MLB playoff history.
** The Eagles score 45 points in the first half against the Maryland Racial Slurs.
** Jayson Werth signs with the Washington Natinals.

And, of course, there's the not-necessarily-shocking but still-notable events:

** The Flyers reach the Stanley Cup finals.
** The Philadelphia Union plays its inaugural season.
** The Phillies reach their third straight NLCS.
** Roy Halladay wins the Cy Young by unanimous vote.
** The Eagles win the NFC East division title.

Yeah, that all happened this year.

Around this time of year I always hear the same thing (or, I would if anyone were still reading these recaps): How do you come up with all those anagrams?

Every year I try to explain to you folks that I'm not making this stuff up. If you look hard enough, the vile blackness that lies in the soul of every cowboys player easily emerges from the letters in their name. And if you still don't believe that, you can ask the players themselves:

Dallas Cowboys Right Guard Montrae Holland
** Lo, anagrams hold truth. Clownboys lag, I dread.

I ask you, what further proof do you need?

Click on the image below to make it bigger:

We've never had a closer race than this, folks. I've grabbed the lead in the penultimate week of the season, but I'm ahead of ChampMike and Bobert by about a TD. What will the final week bring? Bob's first Awesome Cup championship? My second? ChampMike's third?

Just a few more days and we'll know.

** The Saints big win on Monday night kept the Eagles' hope of home-field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs alive and gave me a one-game edge on Dad in our weekly picks going into the final slate of the season. Much like the fantasy season, it all comes down to one more week...

** Fantasy playoff challenge? Anyone? Anyone?

** By the way, the Eagles game on NBC was also "a special Tuesday night edition of Sunday Night Football." Somebody shoot me. At least they skipped that dreadful intro song.

** And for all the pundits who got excited about professional football being played on a Tuesday for the first time since the 1940s, I have bad news: Professional football is played almost every Tuesday during the fall. It's just called "college football." There was already a bowl game scheduled for last Tuesday. Get over it.

2010 fantasy recap, week 15

Items going through the mind of Giants punter Matt Dodge in the waning seconds of the Eagles' comeback win in New Jersey on Sunday:

** Coach said not to kick it to DeSean Jackson, but maybe that was reverse psychology.

** You know, if he scores a TD we'll probably be home before dark.

** There are 10 other guys out here -- one of them just has to be close enough to grab him.

** I wonder if that Redskins punting job is still open.

** Ahh, crap.

QB: Mike Vick, 44.68 pts – sitting on my bench
RB: Ray Rice, 37.63 pts – started by Joel
WR: Vincent Jackson, 30.47 pts – started by Dad
TE: Jason Witten, 25.33 pts – started by NewMike
K: Robbie Gould, 16.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 23.00 pts – started by Jo
D: Drew Coleman, 12.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Over the last six weeks, I’ve cost myself roughly 60 pts through incorrect calls with my two QBs, Vick and Tom Brady. At this point, I’m starting about starting one and putting money down on the other, because it seems like a sure way to profit from my lack of prognosticating skills.

By the way, a quick review of the league records shows that Heidi hasn’t had a top performer since week 5, the longest stretch of any team. That’s poor coaching right there. She needs to step up and tell Maurice Jones-Drew to be a hero out there next week.

"People on Anthony's team" edition
2nd Place (tie): Joseph Addai, 0.00 pts -- started by Ant
2nd Place (tie): San Francisco, 0.00 pts -- sitting on Ant
1st Place: Matt Hasselbeck, -2.76 pts -- sitting on Ant

In fairness, Addai was hurt and did not play, but since Anthony started him I thought I should include him. Hasselbeck had an impressive 28.9 rating (10 points worse than you) after two picks and an interception. San Francisco just kind of sucked.

Statistics of note from football this week

1 -- Number of times an NFL game has ended on a game-winning punt-return TD, now that the Eagles have done it.
1 -- Number of consecutive starts by Vikings QB Brett Farve, tying him for 32nd in the league.
1 -- Number of road wins by the Lions in their last 27 road games, a span of more than three years.
1 -- Number of TDs, rushing and receiving, scored by Saints RB Reggie Bush this season.
1 -- Number of playoff wins by the Cowboys in the last 14 years.

From Redskins QB Donovan McNabb, on whether he'd like to return to the Maryland Racial Slurs, a team which just demoted him to the third-string because they think washout QB Rex Grossman gives them a better future:

"I want to be here. I really do. ...I don't believe in starting something and not finishing."

Dude, take a hint.

Here's a look at what fans from a handful of the top sports cities are hoping to get for Christmas:

** New York: A new punter for the Giants.
** San Diego: Some decent weather for a change.
** Detroit: Brett Farve. Hey, at least you'd watch then.
** Tampa: A little respect would be nice.
** New England: Randy Moss. It's be the perfect gag gift.
** Buffalo: Snow shovels. For the love of gawd, more snow shovels.
** Washington: Another $100 million contract to ride the bench.
** Philadelphia: Quit whining. You already got Cliff Lee.

It's been a long, rough season for those poor Cowboys, who'll have to watch some other team play the Super Bowl in that temple of decadence that Jerry Jones built. Does that wear on players this time of year? Just take a look:

Dallas Cowboys right inside linebacker Kenwin Cummings
** Cry, babies. Two more glum, crabby weeks inching in. Sad calls in kind.

Yeah, I feel really bad for them.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Bobert is desperately trying to hold on, but he has two Awesome Cup champions ahead of him and another on his heels. Like Aaron Rodgers, his championship dreams are blurry and dazed, but not totally dark yet.

Meanwhile, everyone else is playing for fifth place. Consider yourselves the Houston Texans.

** Dad picked up another game, leaving us tied for the season in our weekly picks contest. This is the closest either of us can remember the picks being in years. My prediction? It'll come down to a last-second punt return for a TD. Nobody will see it coming.

** So, the Phillies sign Cliff Lee away from the Yankees, the Flyers thump the Rangers, and the Eagles rip out the hearts of the Giants, all in the span of less than a week. Next week, the Statue of Liberty is relocated to Penn's Landing and the Dow Jones Industrial Average is bought by Tony Luke's.

** If the Eagles win next week, or the Giants lose, the Eagles are in the playoffs. If the Cowboys win next week, it totally doesn't matter at all.

2010 fantasy recap, week 14

Let me get this straight.

The Philadelphia Phillies, the only professional sports team with 10,000 losses, a team that five years ago had to beg pitcher Adam Eaton to play for them, last year traded away the second-best pitcher in baseball (Cliff Lee) in a controversial and emotional move get the best pitcher in baseball (Roy Halladay), only to see Lee come back one-year later and give the Phils a discount so that he could play here instead of with the New York Yankees, the winningest franchise in all of professional sports.

Oh my gawd, I was killed in some sort of baseball-related accident, wasn't I? And this is heaven? Is Brian Dawkins on the Phillies now too?

QB: Matt Schaub, 32.52 pts -- sitting on Paul's bench
RB: Darren McFadden, 39.03 pts -- started by Jim
WR: Andre Johnson, 30.33 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Jason Whitten, 23.60 pts -- sitting on NewMike's bench
K: Jay Feely, 30.00 pts -- sitting on the waiver wire
DEF: Pittsburgh, 27.00 pts -- started by Jeff
D: LaMarr Woodley, 15.00 pts -- sitting on the wire

Just to cover that amazing Jay Feely line a little closer: He kicked five FGs, four extra points, recorded a tackle and scored on a five-yard TD run on a trick play in the second quarter. And after that TD run? Yeah, he kicked the extra point for that too.

"QBs name Kyle" edition
3rd Place: Kyle Boller, 0.50 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd Place: Jake Delhomme, -0.56 pts -- sitting on the wire
1st Place: Kyle Orton, -0.86 pts -- started by Heidi

At least Boller has the excuse that he was a temporary fill-in as the Raiders' backup QB -- Both Orton and Delhomme were the starters in their game, and just played dreadful.

Orton, who has 20 TDs and is on pace for a 4,000-yard passing season, has thrown no TDs in his last two games against three picks. And he hasn't passed for 300 yard combined in those two losses. And Tim Tebow is his backup, so it's not like anyone wants to see Orton play in the first place. Rough end of the season for him.

Every so often I like to remind myself how important good coaching is in this league. As an experiment, I recently popped in the very realistic Madden 2003 into my PS2 and played a full regular season with a randomly drafted set of players, insuring that every team is about the same skill level.

So, with coaching as the only real variable in the video game, here's a look at how my team performed under my creative play calling, proper clock management and general excellence:

** Team finished 16-0, averaging 100.3 points scored and 11.1 points allowed a game.
** QB Aaron Brooks passed for 5,721 yards and 80 TDs against 4 INTs.
** Backup QB Rob Johnson passed for 2,473 yards and 35 TDs against no INTs.
** RB Ricky Williams rushed for 3,178 yards and 75 TDs. He also caught 53 passes for 1,004 yards and 15 TDs.
** TE Chad Lewis caught 80 passes for 1,928 yards and 28 TDs, and was the team's-second leading receiver.
** The team was plus-31 in turnovers, with 14 defensive TDs, and allowed under 14 yards rushing a game.
** HB Brian Mitchell had 6 punt returns for TDs and 4 kickoff returns for TDs.
** K David Akers was 1 for 2 on FGs for the year, with 98 extra points converted.

All I'm saying is I'm available any nights or weekends to help Andy Reid figure out how to use timeouts properly.

During the Brett Farve eulogies on ESPN Monday night, two comments stood out above all the other nonsense.

First, Stuart Scott noted that when Farve's consecutive games streak started in 1992, "the number one song in the country was Boyz 2 Men's 'End of the Road.' How appropriate is that?"

Then, Chris Berman noted that Farve's consecutive game streak would end against the New York Giants, "and Orioles SS Cal Ripken ended his consecutive starts streak against the New York Yankees. How ironic is that?"

The answer to both those questions? Not at all. It's barely even interesting.

How the Eagles can miss the playoffs with an 11-5 record:

** The Eagles lose next week to the Giants, but win their final two games.
** New York wins their last three.
** Tampa Bay wins their last three.
** New Orleans wins two of its last three, but loses to the Bucs.

Then, the Giants (12-4) would win the NFC East (better record). The Saints (12-4) would be the top wild card team. The Bucs (11-5) would be the #6 seed, winning the tiebreaker over the Eagles (better NFC record).

An 11-5 team has only missed the playoffs twice in NFL history: the Broncos in 1985, and the Patriots in 2008. During Sunday's Eagles win over the Cowpokes, NBC commentator Chris Collinsworth said Dallas K David Buehler is a great young player with a lot of kicking power. "His only problem is accuracy."

As a football genius, I can tell you that there are only two real phases to kicking in the NFL: getting the ball to go far, and getting the ball to go straight. If you can't do one of the two, you're only doing half of your job. Currently Buehler is ranked 32nd in the league among kickers in FG accuracy, 26th among kickers with at least 10 attempts. That's not good.

But Collinsworth could have just looked at Buehler's name and seen clearly that it spells out failure:

Dallas Cowboys Kicker David Buehler
** Crabby lad: I suck, have eroded skill. Ow.

See? He's not accurate and not a good kicker.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Bobert becomes the first person to break the 1900-pts mark, but check out that grouping at the top -- Another big week by me puts my team fewer than 24 points off of first place. It's still anyone's game.

** Dad picked up another game this week, so he trails by just a single tally with three weeks left in the season. It's the closest we've been in the weekly picks in years. One small screw-up and an entire year's bragging rights goes down the drain. Of course, since I'm beating him so handily in the fantasy league standings, I'll probably survive either way.

** So the Eagles beat the Cowboys on Sunday, the Phillies sign Cliff Lee late Monday, the Flyers end the Penguins' win streak on Tuesday. Can the Sixers cure cancer on Wednesday? Can the Philadelphia Union sign Jesus on Thursday? Gotta keep the good week going.

** Best part of the Cliff Lee signing? I can wear my Cliff Lee Phillies T-shirt again without any bad feelings. I knew there was a reason I never returned it.

2010 fantasy recap, week 13

The Cowboys can still make the playoffs if the following things happen:

** The Cowboys (4-8) win their remaining four games
** The Eagles (8-4) lose their remaining four games.
** The Green Bay Packers (8-4) are disbanded by a bankruptcy court before Christmas, or
** The Green Bay Packers are all sentenced to prison for crimes against humanity.

Then, at 8-8, the Cowboys would win the tiebreaker with the Eagles for the sixth and final playoff spot (because they’d lose a tiebreaker with the Packers).

Please note: There are no actual scenarios where the Cowboys can reach the playoffs. And that’s despite ways for the 3-9 Cardinals and 5-7 Vikings to still make the post-season.

Sucks to be Dallas.

QB: Tom Brady, 37.82 pts -- sitting on my bench
RB: LeSean McCoy, 30.13 pts -- started by me
WR: Reggie Wayne, 33.83 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Ben Watson, 22.67 pts -- sitting on NewMike's bench
K: Josh Brown, 16.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
DEF: New York Giants, 22.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
D: Sean Lee, 13.00 pts -- sitting on the wire

If you had started all of the top performers this week, you would have posted at least 176 pts. But you didn't. For shame.

"No-name QBs" edition
3rd Place: Matt Flynn, -0.20 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd Place: Max Hall, -1.60 pts -- sitting on the wire
1st Place: Brett Favre, -2.00 pts -- sitting on Jeff's bench

The legendary Brett Farve not only had the worst day of his career on Sunday, he had the worst day of ANY QB EVER. Farve threw one pass, had it picked off and was knocked out of the game with an injury. He ended the day with a 0.0 rating. Let's briefly recap how the QB ratings work:

1 for 1, 15 yards, 1 TD = 158.3 (perfect rating)
1 for 1, 15 yards, 0 TD = 118.7
1 for 1, 1 yard, 0 TD = 79.1
0 for 1, 0 yards, 0 TD = 39.6
0 for 0, 0 yards, 1 INT = 0.0 (lowest possible rating)

When you had a worse day than Max Hall, you know you done poor.

This week Eagles K David Akers set a new franchise record for game played, appearing in his 184th contest (breaking the 183-games record held by S Brian Dawkins). Here’s a quick look at some of the other franchise records Akers holds:

** Career points scored: 897
** Season points scored: 144
** Consecutive playoff FGs: 19 (NFL record)
** Career tackles by a kicker: 19
** Career rushing yards by a kicker: 25
** Career completion percentage: 100
** Career FG made with a ruptured hamstring: 1
** Karate black belts, which means he could kick a LB’s ass: 1
** Detmers elevated to cult hero status: 1

Akers is currently the longest-tenured Philadelphia professional athlete – he made his debut with the Eagles two weeks before Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins appeared in his first game.

During overtime of the Cowboys/Colts game Sunday afternoon, Fox analyst Troy Aikman noted that the Dallas defense had surrendered leads in the final minute of regulation two weeks in a row. Play-by-play guy Joe Buck (whose head is shaped funny) responded by adding, "I think the poor play of the defense more than any other reason lead to the firing of Wade Phillips."

And that might be true. But Phillips was fired more than a month ago, well before those two defensive meltdowns. So it just seems a little unfair to blame him for lethargic defensive play calling when all he can do is yell at the TV like the rest of us.

In the last two games, Peyton Manning has thrown eight TD passes. Unfortunately for Indy fans, only half of them were to Colts receivers. The other four were to opposing defenses, as part of the 11 interceptions he's tossed during the team's three-game losing streak.

What's the reason for his sudden fall from grace? Here are the most likely possibilities:

** The Colts had 16 players injured this week, including most of their RBs.
** He hasn't thrown 20-plus INTs in nearly a decade, so he was due for some bad games.
** He's really, really sick of living in Indiana.
** Matt Millen said he was the best QB in the league, and everything that idiot says is wrong.
** He has actually been replaced with his brother, Eli.

The Eagles and Cowboys square off for the first time this season next Sunday, in a rivalry that's lost some of its luster because Dallas just stinks. But, do the Cowboys rookie players think it's just another game? Let's look closer at the name of t one of their newest offensive linemen to find out:

Dallas Cowboys new left guard Phil Costa
** No typo, clad fact: Eagles will bash us. Word.

Wait, hold on, I'm just receiving word that the Cowboys have shifted Costa from the guard spot over to center. Think that'll change his mind?

Dallas Cowboys new backup center Phil Costa
** Bow once: Philly scares us. We can't adapt, block.

I guess not.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Bobert is back on top, but who knows for how long?

I do. Two weeks. Then he drops back into second again.

** Dad and I split our picks again, and I remain plus two for the year. This season’s picks have been about as exciting as the actual NFL: completely random, and too focused on Brett Favre and the Manning brothers. Maybe one of us can stage some late-season excitement.

** Best of luck to former Phillies OF Jayson Werth, who signed a seven-year, $126 million deal with the Washington Natinals this weekend. I’m sure Donovan McNabb, Jeramiah Trotter, Mike Knuble and Eric Bruntlett can all tell you the DC area does wonderful things for your sports career.

** If anyone is looking for a job, I just heard about an exciting opportunity to work with Brian Dawkins out in Denver

** By the way, if you heard this story about an imposter Capt. Awesome, don't worry. He will face justice one day.