2012 fantasy recap -- week 3

Why the replacement refs are the best thing ever to happen to the NFL:

1 -- When the "real" referees come back, there will be zero tolerance for the kind of idiotic calls and lengthy play stoppages we're seeing now. Every time one happens, the entire country will shout out "I thought we got rid of the incompetent ones." It will shame the regular refs into doing their job better than ever before.

2 -- The replacement refs did what the NFL could never do: Make a dreadfully dull 14-12 Monday Night Football game into something worth talking about for weeks.

3 -- The NFL is a $9 billion industry and they're fighting with the refs union over $5 million in compensation. This proves once and for all just how greedy the teams owners are. That's like paying for a $100 dinner and refusing to tip your server a nickle.

4 -- The botched call in Seattle's win screwed over Packers fans, the fourth-most insufferable fan base in the NFL (behind the Cowboys, Giants and Steelers fans, in order).

5 -- ESPN was coming dangerously close to devoting some of its airtime to covering the impending baseball playoffs, but the manufactured horror over the replacement refs' blown calls ended that quickly. There is a good chance that Chris Berman's head will actually explode after the next blown call.

6 -- The poor officiating has led to longer games, which in turn means football is on TV for longer. That's always a good thing, right?

7 -- I don't care what your opinion on labor negotiations is. Watching grown men forget how to add penalty yards together while 300 pound linemen fume is always hilarious.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 40.16 pts -- started by Joel
WR: AJ Green, 28.30 pts -- started by Jim
RB: Jamaal Charles, 38.97 pts -- started by Paul
TE: Heath Miller, 24.00 pts -- started by Sam
K: Ryan Succop, 21.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Arizona, 27.00 pts -- started by Dad
D: Justin Houston, 14.50 pts -- on the wire

Everyone of the top performers this week came from the AFC, except for the Arizona defense. You can blame that on Mike Vick too.

"Skill" players edition
3rd place: Joe Adams, -1.90 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Jordan Shipley, -1.80 pts -- on the wire
1st place: LaRod Stephens-Howling, -1.16 pts -- on the wire

And speaking of failures, congratulations to the Saints and the Browns, who have already been eliminated from playoff contention. Since 1990, only three of 107 teams to start the season with three straight losses have made the postseason. On the plus side, fans from both cities can start looking ahead to NBA season and their championship-caliber basketball teams.

** The Eagles are on pace for 64 turnovers this season (12 so far). The record for the most turnovers by a team in a season is 63, by the 1978 San Francisco 49ers.

** The Eagles are on pace for a -32 turnover differential this season (-6 so far). The record for the worst differential is -30, by the 1965 Pittsburgh Steelers.

** The Eagles are on pace for 32 lost fumbles this season (6 so far). The record for the most fumbles lost is 36, by the 1959 Chicago Cardinals.

** Eagles QB Mike Vick is on pace for 48 turnovers this season (6 INTs, 3 fumbles lost). The record for individual turnovers in a season is 44, by Houston Oilers QB/K George Blanda in 1962.

For the record, the Eagles are 2-1 and have a -19 point differential. The Saints are 0-3 and have a -19 point differential. So, this could be much worse.

On Friday, the Washington Post ran the front-page headline: "Smile, Washington: After 79 years, you're in the playoffs." On Sunday, they wrote that Natinals pitcher Gio Gonzalez became the franchise's first 20-game winner since 1978.

Look, I love using my imagination as much as the next guy, but the local folks seem to think their long dreadful baseball past rivals that of real sports cities. The team has been in DC for seven years. That's it. You don't get to claim records before then, and you don't get to claim pain and suffering for years when there was no team. Everyone in DC was an Orioles fan before 2005 anyway.

If the DC fans down here (all seven of them) get to start complaining about a lack of wins when they didn't have anyone to root for, then Baltimore gets to whine about their lack of Stanley Cup and NBA championships.

Three NFL games went into overtime this weekend, and at least two others almost ended up going past the fourth quarter. As a public service to all of you who don't remember all the changes in the overtime rules (and for Donovan McNabb, who never knew the old ones), here's a quick review.

** Overtime is not sudden death anymore ... unless you score an offensive TD, a defensive TD, a special teams TD, or a safety. If you get one of those, the game ends immediately.

** You can't win overtime on a field goal on your first possession anymore ... unless the other team already missed a field goal, or they fumbled, or they threw an interception, or if they punted. Then you can win on your first possession. But it's not sudden death.

** If a team has a field goal blocked on its opening possession, but the ball doesn't go past the line of scrimmage, and the kicking team picks up the blocked ball and runs for a first down, then later kicks a field goal, the other team still gets a chance to score before the game is over. But if a team has a field goal blocked on its opening possession, and the ball does go past the line of scrimmage, but the blocking team touches it and the kicking team recovers the loose ball and runs for a first down, and then later kicks a field goal, then the blocking team doesn't get a chance and the game is over. Simple!

** There are no ties anymore -- games continue until a winner is decided. That means the last tie game in NFL history was in November 2008, when the Bengals played to a 13-13 draw against the Philadelphia ... ah, crap, McNabb still thinks they have another quarter to play in that game.

When I saw that Fullback Lawrence Vickers had signed with the Cowboys this offseason, I thought it was a perfect fit. because I knew this guy was evil. And it's not just my superior insight. Everyone has known for a while this guys was evil. His opponents knew it. His teammates knew it. The coaches and refs knew it. Hell, even the replacement refs know it. Just look at what his name clearly spells out:

** Dallas Cowboys new FB Lawrence Blanchard Vickers
Scab clown refs cry "Knew he was evil -- a drab, banal clod"

For the love of Pete Phios, these replacement refs don't even know how to count to four downs. And despite their diminished mental faculties, those simpletons can see the blackness in the Cowboys' roster's soul. And yet the local authorities won't arrest them for crimes against humanity. This country has lost its moral center.

Week 3 standings

Bob Dammit, how is he still in first place? Again, no offense to our resident professor, but if a team quarterbacked by Tony Romo is in first place, the whole league is a sham. You might as well hire incompetent scab refs and just let them decide games however they want.
  ** Finally, I managed to pick a few games right against Dad. I went 3-2 against him this weekend, trimming his yearly lead down to 5. I would have done better if I didn't pick the Eagles to win in Arizona. I won't be putting that kind of faith in that team again anytime soon.

** Remember all those passing stats I posted last week? On Saturday, Old Dominion quarterback Taylor Heinicke threw for 730 yards and five TDs in his team's 64-61 win over New Hampshire. It's more impressive than the 736-yard performance I noted earlier, because that was a Division II game, and Heinicke plays in what sane people still call I-AA. He's averaging over 480 yards a game this season.

** Eagles lost this weekend. Phillies dropped games on Saturday and Sunday. Temple football lost. Penn football lost. Authorities believe they've found an 87-year-old Nazi war criminal hiding in Philadelphia. Not a good weekend for the city.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 2

EA Sports announced Sunday that more than 81.5 million “Madden 2013” games had been played online in the first two weeks of the NFL season, and the two most popular teams online have been the San Francisco 49ers and the Philadelphia Eagles. Here’s a look at the new tweaks the company has installed to make the gameplay more realistic for online Philly fans:

** All Eagles running plays are disabled for a random quarter.
** If WR DeSean Jackson goes over 100 yards, he immediately benches himself until his contract is renegotiated.
** At the 8:53 mark of every third quarter, the Eagles take an unexpected defensive timeout and then incorrectly challenge the next play.
** Every time RB LeSean McCoy gets tackled, QB Mike Vick somehow gets injured instead.
** Whenever the Eagles score, the in-game announcers complain that Philly fans once booed Santa Claus.
** No matter how badly gamers play, the Eagles somehow pull out a last-minute touchdown to save the win.

QB: Robert Griffin III, 32.44 pts -- started by Sam
WR: Danny Amendola, 30.25 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Reggie Bush, 33.87 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Dante Rosario, 25.70 pts -- on the wire
K: Stephen Gotkowski, 17.00 pts -- started by Sam
DEF: (tie) Green Bay, 21.00 pts -- started by Jim
DEF: (tie) Seattle, 21.00 pts -- sitting on my bench
D: Charles Godfrey, 11.50 pts -- on the wire

Yes, even though Giants QB Eli Manning threw for 510 yards on Sunday, the rookie Maryland QB beat him out in fantasy stats by 0.24 pts. Of course, Eli got the win, and all Griffin got was to watch on the sidelines while his kicker missed what would have been a game-tying 62-yard field goal.

”Getting defensive” edition
3rd place: Chad Henne, -1.08 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Oakland, -5.00 pts -- started by me
1st place: Kansas City, -6.00 pts -- on the wire

Congrats to KC, for posting the worst possible score for a defense just two weeks into the season. The Chiefs D recorded no sacks, no turnovers, no return TDs, and allowed 35 points. So far this year, they've allowed 75 points and been worth -11 pts on the fantasy charts.

Also, congrats to me for my sage fantasy decisions this week. I benched the Seattle defense (up there on the top performers chart) to start the Oakland defense (down there on the worst performers chart) and cost myself 26 pts in a single move. That's the difference between seventh and second place.

Now that the NHL lockout is official, it’s time to start making plans for your fall TV viewing if hockey doesn’t come back for months. Here are a few suggestions:

** Watch football.
** Watch football.
** Watch college football.
** Watch football (Who watches NHL before January?)
** Watch football.
** Watch the MLB playoffs (if the Phillies sneak in).
** Watch football.

Remember, no matter how desperate the situation is, do not watch any professional basketball.

Following Stanford’s shocking upset of the completely overrated USC Trojans, Fox commentator Erin Andrews said that “no one is going to be going to class tomorrow” at the Stanford campus.

And she was absolutely right … since the game was played on Saturday, and most colleges don’t generally hold class on Sundays.

Stats from this weekend that I can’t replicate in video games

** Florida State RB Chris Thompson rushed for 197 yards and two TDs -- on nine carries -- in his team’s 52-0 win on Saturday. That’s almost a 22 yard per carry average.
** Beaverton Aloha High School RB Thomas Tyner (of Oregon) made national headlines by rushing for 624 yards and 10 TDs in his team’s 84-63 victory this week. But it took him 38 carries to amass those stats. Lazy high school kids.
** TCU QB Casey Pachall passed for 335 yard and 2 TDs in his team's 20-6 win on Saturday. So far this year he's thrown five TDs and only six incompletions (33 of 39).
** The Saints have begun this season 0-2. I’m pretty sure no matter the difficulty level I put a video game on, I wouldn’t be able to start that poorly with a roster that loaded.

Every week I try to pick a different Cowboys player name for this anagram. But when Dallas drafted DE Tyrone Crawford earlier this year, I realized I could anagram his name alone every week.

** Tyrone Crawford **
Corny Afterword
Entry for coward
Torn, rowdy farce
Crony toward ref
No DE Craft. Worry

And those are just the ones that speak to what a failure his career will be. I left “frowny carrot DE” off the list because it didn’t make a lot of sense. That is, unless we find out he has a vitamin C deficiency on top of his other problems.

Week 2 standings

Rough week for ChampMike -- his became the first team not to break 100 pts this season, posting a remarkably low 62.34 thanks to miserable performances by Larry Fitzgerald, Ahmad Bradshaw and Greg Olsen (under 5 pts combined).

Meanwhile, the other half of the Doyle household jumped from fourth to first place. We're testing her for performance enhancing drugs again.

  ** We’re only two weeks into the season and I’m already six games down on my father in pur weekly picks. I haven’t won a single contest we’ve picked differently. At this point, I’m on pace to lose by 51 games. Ugh.

** In a pregame interview on CBS Sunday, Vick said “I’m not going to go out there and throw four picks every week. That’s crazy. I’d bench myself if I did that.” And he only threw two on Sunday. So … progress?

** If you think these recaps are terrible,  you should see the automated Yahoo recaps for head-to-head leagues. Pure hilarity.

** The Eagles are in first place in the NFC East for the first time since December 2010. Just FYI.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 1

ESPN announced Friday that they had extended the contract of commentator Chris Berman for several more years, keeping him with the network through 2018. Berman joined ESPN one month after the network launched in 1979, and during his 33-year tenure has nearly single-handedly destroyed everything enjoyable about the NFL.

He’s the channel’s main on-air personality for Monday morning NFL highlights, a job which consists of him grunting unintelligibly and trying to rhyme words with the names of players. On Friday’s he hosts ESPN’s two-minute drill, a seven-minute segment that last week included a tribute to Neil Armstrong but ran too long to offer any 2012 season predictions.

In recent years, Berman has also worked diligently to ruin the MLB home run derby, screeching “backbackback GONE” for every fly ball lofted into the outfield. During the off-season, he screams at orphans until they cry. On Monday night, Berman took his first turn announcing a live football contest, offering color commentary for the second ESPN night game. I didn’t actually watch his work, but I know when he took to the mike because the dogs in the neighborhood started howling.

Chris Berman is terrible, and his contract renewal should be all the proof you need that ESPN hates you and wants your brain to die.
    QB: Matt Ryan, 38.46 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Kevin Ogletree, 27.60 pts -- on the wire
RB: Kevin Smith, 25.13 pts -- on Jim’s bench
TE: Jimmy Graham, 17.96 pts -- started by Ant
K: Nate Kaeding, 18.00 pts -- started by Paul
DEF: Cleveland, 21.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Tracey Porter, 14.50 pts -- on the wire

We as a league only managed to start three of the top performers this week. Looks like some of you didn’t take the preseason that seriously.
     ”Getting defensive” edition
3rd place: Cincinnati, -3.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Buffalo, -4.00 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
1st place: Kansas City, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

Combined, those three teams allowed 120 points and managed only one turnover on Sunday. The next worst player was Browns QB Brandon Weeden, who went head-to-head with Eagles QB Mike Vick in a “worst QB” contest. His 4 INTs and zero TDS beat out Vick’s 4 INTs and 2 TDs, but just barely.

** Last Wednesday night’s opening game drew an audience of nearly 20 million people for NBC, but the seven networks covering the Democratic National Convention drew an audience of almost 25 million for President Bill Clinton's speech. This proves once again that more people would rather watch an old man complain about tax policies than watch Eli Manning and Tony Romo play.

 ** The first televised football game hit the airwaves 73 years ago next month. The game featured the Philadelphia Eagles losing to the Brooklyn Dodgers, 24-13. Since then, the Eagles, the NFL’s defunct Dodgers team, and the Brooklyn-turned-LA Dodgers of the MLB have all won the same number of Super Bowls.

 ** The NFL RedZone channel is offering prizes for anyone who sees them displaying four games at once, takes a picture and tweets it out with the hashtag #QUADBOXSIGHTING. The prize is a $100 gift card, which will not cover the cost of treating your attention deficit disorder.
    The stupidest thing I heard this week was when ESPN announced Friday that they had extended the contract of commentator Chris Berman for several more years, keeping him with the network through 2018.

49ers Kicker David Akers -- who already holds the record for most points scored in a season (166), the most post-season field goals (19) and the most points in a single decade (1,169) -- booted a 63-yard three-pointer on Sunday afternoon to tie the record for the longest field goal in NFL history.

It’s a shame he was too washed up to play football anymore when the Eagles decided not to resign him two years ago.
    Every year I hope that a fresh season will bring new inner peace to the Cowboys organization, and that maybe the changing of the calendar can transform their past transgressions.

And every year I’m rudely slapped awake by their evil, evil souls. I present to you their top draft pick for 2012:

** Dallas rookie cornerback Morris Claiborne
** I’m a sick loner, a CB error, a born killer. Sad coo. 

These things get easier to write every year.
    Week 1 standings

After one week, I think we can safely declare Bob the winner for the year and move on with our lives. That three-point lead just looks too insurmountable.

On the plus side, everyone broke 100 points this week, which is unusual. How unusual? I'm not really sure. Seems unusual, though.

** Eureka College QB Sam Durley (who plays in the NCAA’s Division III) threw for 736 yards in his team’s opening weekend win, but only 228 yards in his second-week loss this Saturday. I don’t have a joke here. I want to know how you can feel bittersweet when you pass for more than 950 yards in two games but only have a 1-1 record to show for it.

 ** We're one week into the season, and I'm already 0-2 in my other fantasy leagues and dropped four games to my father in the weekly picks. I'm like the Eagles, only without the last-minute win.

** There's a Thursday night game this week, because the NFL hates you too. NBC has the game, but I blame ESPN.

** The Phillies are playing .620 baseball since the All-Star break. Just saying...

2012 fantasy football -- preseason predictions

The teams are drafted and the season starts tomorrow night. But why wait four months to find out who will get fantasy bragging rights for the year? Here's my infallible early take on how the Awesome Cup standings will shake out by January.

12 -- The Bob-Dammits (Bobert)
Projected Points: 1788.93
Analysis: I don't really think Bob's team will be this bad, but I'm rooting for him to fail. No offense to our resident professor, but who can root for a team with Cowboys Tony Romo, DeMarco Murray and Miles Austin? Also, Bob's team name anagrams to "I stabbed Mom, h/t." I don't know what's worse: knifing mom, or asking for a hat tip afterwards. Either way, I'm not supporting him.

11 -- kickers rule (Sam)
Projected Points: 1864.55
Analysis: Sam's team consists of the only Maryland Racial Slurs player you've heard of (Robert Griffin III) and all of the Patriots whose names you don't remember (K Stephen Gotkowski, RB Stevan Ridley, WR Wes Welker.) He also has a Lardarius, a Leodis and an Alshon. $10 says Sam forgets his own team name within three weeks.

10 -- Baby's First Team (Heidi)
Projected Points: 1999.29
Analysis: I hope Heidi held onto some of the steroids she was using during her last suspension, because she's going to need them for her aging team. QB Phillip Rivers, WR Steve Smith, K Sebastian Janikowski, WR Randy Moss were all great four years ago, but 2012 may not be so kind. And RB Chris Johnson went from 24 years old at the start of last year to 37 by the end of 2011. Get the Red Bull ready.

9 -- Timmy and the Jets (Joel)
Projected Points: 2001.03
Analysis: I never like drafting a wideout in the first round, so I'm guessing Joel's strategy of grabbing Madden cover athlete WR Calvin Johnson is going to backfire. On the plus side, he did grab QB Eli Manning late, which makes his team ripe for dopey jokes throughout the season. How many Eli's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: None, because screw Eli and his dopey face.

8 -- Romney's tax returns (Jim)
Projected Points: 2079.56
Analysis: Jim's team wins the preseason award for most spleen injuries (solely thanks to TE Jason Witten) but not much else. QB Cam Newton and WR AJ Green are too young, RB's Michael Turner and Jonathan Stewart are too old, and somehow Jim drafted Kevin Smith the filmmaker instead of Kevin Smith the running back. It's gonna be a long year.

7 -- I heart WRs (Paul)
Projected Points: 2106.41
Analysis: Only six wideouts, Paul? How much do you really love them? True, RB Ray Rice and TE Antonio Gates each had 60-plus catches last year, which also could put them in the WR category, but I expected more outside speed from this team. On the plus side, after finishing last in 2011, Paul  received Andrew Luck in this year's draft. Sam, who finished second to last, grabbed RG3. I did not rig that, I swear. I wish I had thought of it, though. I could have structured several jokes around that.

6 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad)
Projected Points: 2146.77
Analysis: Dad might have the highest scoring team in the league in October. Sadly, few on his team will be ready to play on opening day. RB Ryan Matthews, RB Maurice Jones-Drew, WR Kenny Britt, and RB Issac Redman all are expected to miss time early. When QB Peyton Manning is the healthiest big name on your team, that's a red flag.

5 -- Fool for Foles (Joanner)
Projected Points: 2147.77
Analysis: As punishment for her team name, the football gods put QB Mike Vick front and center on Joanna's team. I think it's great, because it finally gives her a reason to root for that loser. But she's so upset that not even scoring K David Akers can console her. Vick can be yours in a trade for a mediocre WR and a good Eli Manning joke (but she'll settle for a dated Brett Farve joke).

4 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Points: 2200.08
Analysis: Jeff gets this spot based on RB LeSean McCoy alone, who proved last year he can make a dud of a team into an almost-contender. In 2011, his roster combined had 46 rushing TDs and 32 receiving TDs, the most of any team (note: I didn't actually check to see if that was the most). You can't deny that kind of statistical momentum.

3 -- T-Old and T-Over (Capt. Awesome)
Projected Points: 2321.21
Analysis: I grabbed Fred Jackson in the third round, DeSean Jackson in the fourth and Vincent Jackson in the sixth. Sadly, my plans to create a new Jackson Five were dashed when I missed out on Stephen Jackson  and Tavarias Jackson. I might as well change my change my name to Jermaine and Jermasjesty.

2 -- Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
Projected Points: 2486.41
Analysis: I undervalued Anthony last year, so to make up for it I'm overvaluing his team this year. Sure, he has QB Tom Brady, WR Mike Wallace and RB Darren Sproles, but the real key to his team is backup RB Jacquizz Rodgers. The T-shirt possibilities are endless. "Jacquizz Nation." "Getting Jacquizzy with it." "You just got Jacquizzed." It already sounds like victory to me.

1 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike)
Projected Points: 2501.33
Analysis: ChampMike once again shows how it's done, grabbing the best name in the league and the best draft of the group. He's got the top QB (Aaron Rodgers), three solid RBs, two good TEs and enough wideouts to make even Andy Reid happy. Could we have a three-time Awesome Cup champion? Sure, anything can happen. Hell, Eli has two Super Bowl rings. Hell must have frozen over years ago without any of us noticing.

Thanks for playing, kids. Games start tomorrow night, so get those rosters in order.