2012 fantasy recap -- week 1

ESPN announced Friday that they had extended the contract of commentator Chris Berman for several more years, keeping him with the network through 2018. Berman joined ESPN one month after the network launched in 1979, and during his 33-year tenure has nearly single-handedly destroyed everything enjoyable about the NFL.

He’s the channel’s main on-air personality for Monday morning NFL highlights, a job which consists of him grunting unintelligibly and trying to rhyme words with the names of players. On Friday’s he hosts ESPN’s two-minute drill, a seven-minute segment that last week included a tribute to Neil Armstrong but ran too long to offer any 2012 season predictions.

In recent years, Berman has also worked diligently to ruin the MLB home run derby, screeching “backbackback GONE” for every fly ball lofted into the outfield. During the off-season, he screams at orphans until they cry. On Monday night, Berman took his first turn announcing a live football contest, offering color commentary for the second ESPN night game. I didn’t actually watch his work, but I know when he took to the mike because the dogs in the neighborhood started howling.

Chris Berman is terrible, and his contract renewal should be all the proof you need that ESPN hates you and wants your brain to die.
    QB: Matt Ryan, 38.46 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Kevin Ogletree, 27.60 pts -- on the wire
RB: Kevin Smith, 25.13 pts -- on Jim’s bench
TE: Jimmy Graham, 17.96 pts -- started by Ant
K: Nate Kaeding, 18.00 pts -- started by Paul
DEF: Cleveland, 21.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Tracey Porter, 14.50 pts -- on the wire

We as a league only managed to start three of the top performers this week. Looks like some of you didn’t take the preseason that seriously.
     ”Getting defensive” edition
3rd place: Cincinnati, -3.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Buffalo, -4.00 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
1st place: Kansas City, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

Combined, those three teams allowed 120 points and managed only one turnover on Sunday. The next worst player was Browns QB Brandon Weeden, who went head-to-head with Eagles QB Mike Vick in a “worst QB” contest. His 4 INTs and zero TDS beat out Vick’s 4 INTs and 2 TDs, but just barely.

** Last Wednesday night’s opening game drew an audience of nearly 20 million people for NBC, but the seven networks covering the Democratic National Convention drew an audience of almost 25 million for President Bill Clinton's speech. This proves once again that more people would rather watch an old man complain about tax policies than watch Eli Manning and Tony Romo play.

 ** The first televised football game hit the airwaves 73 years ago next month. The game featured the Philadelphia Eagles losing to the Brooklyn Dodgers, 24-13. Since then, the Eagles, the NFL’s defunct Dodgers team, and the Brooklyn-turned-LA Dodgers of the MLB have all won the same number of Super Bowls.

 ** The NFL RedZone channel is offering prizes for anyone who sees them displaying four games at once, takes a picture and tweets it out with the hashtag #QUADBOXSIGHTING. The prize is a $100 gift card, which will not cover the cost of treating your attention deficit disorder.
    The stupidest thing I heard this week was when ESPN announced Friday that they had extended the contract of commentator Chris Berman for several more years, keeping him with the network through 2018.

49ers Kicker David Akers -- who already holds the record for most points scored in a season (166), the most post-season field goals (19) and the most points in a single decade (1,169) -- booted a 63-yard three-pointer on Sunday afternoon to tie the record for the longest field goal in NFL history.

It’s a shame he was too washed up to play football anymore when the Eagles decided not to resign him two years ago.
    Every year I hope that a fresh season will bring new inner peace to the Cowboys organization, and that maybe the changing of the calendar can transform their past transgressions.

And every year I’m rudely slapped awake by their evil, evil souls. I present to you their top draft pick for 2012:

** Dallas rookie cornerback Morris Claiborne
** I’m a sick loner, a CB error, a born killer. Sad coo. 

These things get easier to write every year.
    Week 1 standings

After one week, I think we can safely declare Bob the winner for the year and move on with our lives. That three-point lead just looks too insurmountable.

On the plus side, everyone broke 100 points this week, which is unusual. How unusual? I'm not really sure. Seems unusual, though.

** Eureka College QB Sam Durley (who plays in the NCAA’s Division III) threw for 736 yards in his team’s opening weekend win, but only 228 yards in his second-week loss this Saturday. I don’t have a joke here. I want to know how you can feel bittersweet when you pass for more than 950 yards in two games but only have a 1-1 record to show for it.

 ** We're one week into the season, and I'm already 0-2 in my other fantasy leagues and dropped four games to my father in the weekly picks. I'm like the Eagles, only without the last-minute win.

** There's a Thursday night game this week, because the NFL hates you too. NBC has the game, but I blame ESPN.

** The Phillies are playing .620 baseball since the All-Star break. Just saying...