Redrafting the NFL by region

It just seems cruel that the Saints get to the first Super Bowl in team history and have to square off against Peyton Manning, a hometown boy who might be the best QB of the last decade. That got me to think what the NFL might look like if you could only draft local talent.

Here's a look at the starting QBs (and backups) for every NFL team if they looked no further than their own backyards. For some it would be a short search; For others (thanks Broncos) they'd have to search much, much farther away.

Arizona Cardinals
Starter: Ryan Fitzpatrick (Gilbert, AZ)
Backup: Andrew Walter (Phoenix, AZ)

Atlanta Falcons
Starter: Brett Favre (Gulfport, MS)
Backup: Tavarias Jackson (Mongtomery, AL)

Baltimore Ravens
Starter: Michael Vick (Newport News, VA)
Backup: Aaron Brooks (Newport News, VA)

Buffalo Bills
Starter: Gus Ferrotte (Kittanning, PA)
Backup: Chad Henne (West Lawn, PA)

Carolina Panthers
Starter: Chad Pennington (Knoxville, TN)
Backup: Tyler Thigpen (Winnsboro, SC)

Chicago Bears
Starter: Donovan McNabb (Chicago, IL)
Backup: Kurt Warner (Burlington, IA)

Cincinnati Bengals
Starter: Chris Redman (Louisville, KY)
Backup: Jared Lorenzen (Covington, KY)

Cleveland Browns
Starter: Brady Quinn (Columbus, OH)
Backup: Troy Smith (Cleveland, OH)

Dallas Cowboys
Starter: Drew Brees (Austin, TX)
Backup: Josh McCown (Jacksonville, TX)

Denver Broncos
Starter: Jake Plummer (Boise, ID)
Backup: Chad Hutchison (Boulder, CO)

Detroit Lions
Starter: Ben Roethlisberger (Findlay, OH)
Backup: Jim Sorgi (Fraser, MI)

Green Bay Packers
Starter: Sage Rosenfels (Maquoketa, IA)
Backup: Charlie Whitehurst (Green Bay, WI)

Houston Texans
Starter: Vince Young (Houston, TX)
Backup: Kevin Kolb (Victoria, TX)

Indianapolis Colts
Starter: Rex Grossman (Bloomington, IN)
Backup: Rick Mirer (Elkhart, IN)

Jacksonville Jaguars
Starter: Daunte Culpepper (Ocala, FL)
Backup: Brad Johnson (Marietta, GA)

Kansas City Chiefs
Starter: Josh Freeman (Kansas City, MS)
Backup: Shaun Hill (Parsons City, KS)

Miami Dolphins
Starter: Brian Griese (Miami, FL)
Backup: Quinn Gray (Fort Lauderdale, FL)

Minnesota Vikings
Starter: Kyle Orton (Altoona, IA)
Backup: Chris Weinke (St. Paul, MN)

New England Patriots
Starter: Matt Hasselbeck (Westwood, MA)
Backup: Todd Collins (Wapole, MA)

New Orleans Saints
Starter: Peyton Manning (New Orleans, LA)
Backup: Eli Manning (New Orleans, LA)

New York Giants
Starter: David Garrard (East Orange, NJ)
Backup: Dan Orlovsky (Bridgeport, CT)

New York Jets
Starter: Chris Simms (Ridgewood, NJ)
Backup: Jay Fiedler (Oceanside, NY)

Oakland Raiders
Starter: Aaron Rodgers (Chico, CA)
Backup: Carson Palmer (Fresno, CA)

Philadelphia Eagles
Starter: Joe Flacco (Vorhees, NJ)
Backup: Matt Ryan (Exton, PA)

Pittsburgh Steelers
Starter: Matt Schaub (Pittsburg, PA)
Backup: Marc Bulger (Pittsburgh, PA)

San Diego Chargers
Starter: Tony Romo (San Diego, CA)
Backup: Marc Sanchez (Long Beach, CA)

San Francisco 49ers
Starter: Tom Brady (San Mateo, CA)
Backup: Seneca Wallace (Sacramento, CA)

Seattle Seahawks
Starter: Derek Anderson (Portland, OR)
Backup: Alex Smith (Seattle, WA)

St. Louis Rams
Starter: Jay Cutler (Santa Claus, IN)
Backup: Trent Green (St. Louis, MO)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Starter: Matt Stafford (Tampa, FL)
Backup: Jeff Blake (Daytona Beach, FL)

Tennessee Titans
Starter: Phillip Rivers (Decatur, AL)
Backup: Jamarcus Russell (Mobile, AL)

Washington Redskins
Starter: Byron Leftwich (Washington, DC)
Backup: Kerry Collins (Lebanon, PA)

Rules for running up the score

Late in Minnesota's playoff win over Dallas on Sunday, the Vikings opted to keep gunning for the end zone despite a comfortable 24-point lead. With Just over three minutes left QB Brett Farve tossed his fourth TD of the game, boosting the score to 34-3 and enraging the Cowboys' sidelines.

Since then, sports talk shows have been debating whether the move was classless or just competition. But so far no one has broken out the definitive answer to the question, the League's own Official Unofficial Rules Rulebook. It covers all the critical parts of the game that fall outside the refs' purview, like end zone celebrations and when it's permissible to smack an offensive lineman's butt.

And, right there in section 301.42, it spells out exactly when piling onto an opponent is allowed. Let's take the points one by one:

Sec 301.42 -- Running up the score

Teams shall not continue to aggressively attempt to pad their margin of victory except under the following circumstances:

1 ~~ That team's playoff berth may be determined by their season-long points total;
Tough to argue that this one could apply to the Vikings. Even though Joe Buck insists that Farve plays every down like his life depends on it, it would have made more sense if the Minnesota coach had benched his starters that late in the game.

2 ~~ Player/Players are attempting to reach a personal milestone;
Vikings WR Sidney Rice had already caught three TDs in the game at that point, and a fourth would have set a new post-season record. But the final TD pass went to TE Visanthe Shiancoe, so that reason is out too.

3 ~~ A team is avenging poor sportsmanship from earlier in the game;
True, being forced to stare at QB Tony Romo's dopey face is considered a cheap shot in many cultures, but it doesn't really rise to poor sportsmanship. Maybe if Dallas had called a late timeout, or kicked a FG with two minutes left just to break up a shutout. But not here.

4 ~~ A team is avenging a cheap shot from a past meeting;
The Vikings lost a heartbreaking playoff matchup to the 'boys in 1975 on a controversial Hail Mary-pass interference play. But the statue of limitations for grudges of a postseason nature, outlined in section 401.77, is only 30 years. So no go there either.

5 ~~ Or, the team being picked on is the Dallas Cowboys.
Oh, OK then. I guess it was all good.

Farve is still a jackass, though.

Actual texts from tonight's game

Me: F-ing pathetic. First time the Eagles have ever lost 3 to the boys in a season.
G: I am so angry right now I have no response.
Me: Saddest part is this might be McNabb's last game as an Eagle.
G: Don't care.
G: Andy MUST go.
Me: But he won 11 games this year. And one was even against a team with a winning record.
G: He is unable to fulfill even the most basic coaching duties. It's like expecting an armless five year old to bench press the Sears tower.
Me: As jo said, that's a lot of commitment for a text message.
G: I hate him more than baby Sidney Crosby.
Me: That's a lie.
G: Andy Reid is now positioned right above Lomas Brown and right below Jay Novacheck on my list of hate.
Me: Wait, does that chart go up or down?
G: I hate Novacheck more than Andy. But not by much.

I could give you all context for the baby Sidney Crosby comment, but honestly it's not gonna make this whole thing any less painful.

Final 2009 fantasy football standings

The pros may be headed into the playoffs, but we’ve come to the end of yet another fantasy season. Before we award the Awesome Cup for the eighth time, lets take a look back at how everyone did (accompanied by pictorial representations of that performance):

Plaxico's attorney (Neal)
Prediction – 3rd place, 2072 pts
Actual – 13th place, 1483.78 pts
It easy to compare Neal’s team to the St. Louis Rams – both teams had dreadful coaching and neither team showed up at all this year. And in 2010 both teams might get dropped into the minor leagues. On the plus side, at least the guy who won the #1 overall pick in the draft didn’t get to win anything else during the year.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)

Prediction – 13th place, 1700 pts
Actual – 12th place, 1803.13 pts
Poor Jeff. Much like the Lions he’s taken up near permanent residence at the bottom of the standings. Uncharacteristically, Jeff made move roster moves this year than all his other seasons combined. Unfortunately, it didn’t help change the inevitable result.

Palin's Death Panels (Jim)
Prediction – 8th place, 1889 pts
Actual – 11th place, 1891.77 pts
It’s always nice to see the Eagles make Steelers fans unhappy, and no one was more upset about Brian Westbrook’s terrible season this year than Jim (except maybe Westy’s remaining brain cells). On the plus side, he’s still having a better two-year run than his team’s namesake…

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah (Bobert)
Prediction – 7th place, 1949 pts
Actual – 10th place, 1967.74 pts
I was right on with my points prediction here, but unfortunately for Bob I underestimated how much it would take to win this league. Not even a doctor could save this team in the end, which is a shame because Bob is the only doctor in the league. Sure, he’s not that kind of doctor, but it really wouldn’t matter.

Bullets over Burress (Joel)
Prediction – 4th place, 2020 pts
Actual – 9th place, 1981.36 pts
I had big expectations for Joel this year, and he did have his best finish in four years. But ninth place is no better than where the Giants finished in the NFC. Should he be proud of that? Do you think Eli Manning’s mom is proud of him? Of course not; He’s only the third best QB in the family.

BetterThanYourTeam (Dad)
Prediction – 9th place, 1850 pts
Actual – 8th place, 2016.37 pts
It was pretty clear from the start Dad was going to finish in the middle of the pack, just a hair worse than where he finished last season. As evidenced by his weekly picks, he never really got ahold of the feel of the league this season. That, and his best RB was Julius Jones. That really screwed him.

Bad Newz Iggles (Champ Mike)
Prediction – 2nd place, 2125 pts
Actual – 7th place, 2115.12 pts
Very disappointing year for the only two-time Awesome Cup champion; QBs David Garrard and Vince Young combined to suck the life out of his team. On the plus side, he still walks away with the best team name of the year, and for that he’ll be awarded our league’s courage award. Because, really, no one has been through more than Mike Vick ... er ... ChampMike.

TMITITW (Heidi)
Prediction – 12th place, 1705 pts
Actual – 6th place, 2132.94 pts
But the second honor of the evening gets taken away from CampMike and wife Heidi, and heads to Fort Awesome. Yes, this is the first year both Jo and I beat ChampMike and Heidi in the standings, proving that even a blind ref gets a holding call right once in a while. So we'll gladly put the Awesome Family Geniuses Trophy up on our mantle for the year.

I heart WRs (Paul)
Prediction – 1st place, 2126 pts
Actual – 5th place, 2145.57 pts
Maybe it was the complexity of his name, maybe it was some late season bad luck, maybe it was the fact that WR Devin Hester kinda sucks. Whatever the reason, Paul just barely misses the coveted top four after a miserable final week after a reasonably successful season. Much like this year’s Denver Broncos, he gets an A for effort but only a C for results.

Suck My Vick (Ant)
Prediction – 11th place, 1800 pts
Actual – 4th place, 2153.25 pts
Holy crap, Anthony finished near the top again. Sure, he somehow drafted RB LaDanian Tomlinson yet again, but it was his TE corps – Dallas Clark and Brent Celek – who helped push him towards the top this year. And for his excellent showing Ant will almost certainly get screwed in next year’s draft order.

Chase Utley's WFCs (Joanner)
Prediction – 5th place, 2001 pts
Actual – 3rd place, 2171.59 pts
Just to be clear – if you finished below this line than you were beaten in football this year by a pregnant woman. There’s no other way to put it. A pregnant woman schooled you in football this year. Joanna matched her best finish ever this year, but it still wasn’t enough to steal away the Fort Awesome individual title because…

ZombieJacko Comeback (me)
Prediction – 6th place, 1950 pts
Actual – 2nd place, 2196.97 pts
You want to know why I picked S Brian Dawkins as the first overall defensive player? Not because of sentimentalism. Not because I thought he’d score the most points. It’s because Dawkins brings leadership to every team he plays on. It wasn’t enough to win it all, but one man never is. But winners always find a way to make it competitive.

Pick Six Dix (New Mike)
Prediction – 10th place, 1825 pts
Actual – Champion, 2384.93 pts
Last year we had our first ever repeat champion, and this year we have our first ever rookie champion. Chalk it up to luck or skill (his first two picks were RB Chris Johnson and QB Tom Brady, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t set his draft order), but the new guy walks away with our highest honor and bragging rights until August. As always, the Awesome Cup comes with a lifetime invitation to Draftsgiving festivities at Fort Awesome and the envy of all your peers.

OK, kids -- That’s it for the fantasy year, but remember I’m still here for the duration of the playoffs and every week after that. And there’s only 109 days left until Draftsgiving, which will be the most exciting day of the year. Except, you know, maybe that whole birth of a son thing scheduled for March. But there isn’t any guarantee of football at that event, so it’s still a toss up.

2009 fantasy recap, week #17

Bad Omen: The Eagles have only beaten the Cowboys outside of December once since 2005, and are 1-5 in those contests.
Good Omen: This will be the fourth time the Eagles and Cowboys have squared off three times in the same season. The Eagles have never gone 0-3 against their rivals.

Bad Omen: This is the 17th time the Cowboys have won the NFC East. Ten of the other 16 times, Dallas made it to the conference championship.
Good Omen: The Eagles are 4-1 in their last five Saturday playoff games. The Cowboys have lost their last three Saturday playoff games.

Bad Omen: The Eagles have only been shut out three times in the last 10 years, but time they lost their next game too.
Good Omen: The Cowboys haven’t won a playoff game in 13 years. The last two times they won the NFC East they were upset by a division opponent in the first round.

Bad Omen: In two games against Dallas this year, the Eagles have been outscored 44-16.
Good Omen: In their final game last year, the Eagles won 44-6.

Bad Omen: The Cowboys were 6-2 at home this year, and those two losses both came after late 4th-quarter field goals.
Good Omen: The five other times the Eagles entered the playoffs at 11-5, they’ve gone 4-1 in their first round games. And Andy Reid has never lost in the first round of the playoffs.

Top performers on the year, drafted
QB: Aaron Rodgers, 403.46 pts – Me, seventh QB drafted
RB: Chris Johnson, 377.63 pts – NewMike, eleventh RB drafted
WR: Andre Johnson, 264.60 pts – Ant, third WR drafted
TE: Dallas Clark, 236.83 pts – Ant, fourth TE drafted
K: Nate Kaeding, 159.00 pts – ChampMike, seventh K drafted
DEF: NY Jets, 221.00 pts – ChampMike, seventh DEF drafted
D: Jared Allen, 82.00 pts – Jo, thirteenth D drafted

An asterisk goes next to Jo’s defensive player, however – she cut him just a few weeks into the season. And who knew? Drew Brees? Peyton Manning? Brett Farve? Not as good as the Packers QB.

Top performers on the year, undrafted
QB: Alex Smith, 182.20 pts – Bob (22nd best QB)
RB: Carnell Williams, 168.70 pts – Heidi (26th best RB)
WR: Robert Meachem, 167.29 pts – Jeff (23rd best WR)
TE: Todd Heap, 128.73 – Jeff (13th best TE)
K: Jay Feeley, 137.00 pts – Jo (7th best K)
DEF: San Francisco, 213.00 pts –Jo (2nd best DEF)
D: Charles Woodson, 92.60 pts – Heidi (Top D player)

Lesson learned for next year – don’t bother picking up anything in the draft other than QBs, RBs, WRs and maybe a TE. Four of the top five D players were waiver wire picks, and the San Fran defense sat on the wire for half the year before Joanna scooped them up.

You could have made a fortune if you made these bets at the start of the season:

** Texans QB Matt Schaub would pass for the most yards of anyone in the league (4,770 yds).
** Eagles FB Leonard Weaver (323 yds) would outrush Eagles RB Brian Westbrook (274 yds).
** Giants WR Steve Smith (107 catches, 1,220 yds) would outgain Panthers WR Steve Smith (65 catches, 982 yds).
** Packers QB Aaron Rodgers would finish with as many rushing TDs (five) as Saints RB Reggie Bush.
** Vikings RB Adrian Peterson (1,383 yds) would miss the NFL rushing title … by more than 600 yards (Chris Johnson, 2,006 yds).

"Worst performers of the year" edition

5th Place: J.T. O'Sullivan, -1.20 pts – sitting on the wire
4th Place: Caleb Hanie, -1.56 pts – sitting on the wire
3rd Place: Jeff Garcia, -2.20 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd Place: Chris Simms, -3.48 pts – sitting on the wire
1st Place: Curtis Painter, -4.28 pts – sitting on the wire

The bottom five players are all backup QBs, but the bottom two got nearly a full four quarters of playing time (as opposed to Garcia, who appeared in two plays on the year and managed –2 rushing yards and a fumble). In the end, Painter’s final two games in relief of Colts QB Peyton Manning were absolutely dreadful – two INTs, two fumbles, no TDs – and enough to make him the worst fantasy player of the season. And Painter’s Colts are headed to the playoffs, so there’s still an chance he could sneak in another fumble before the offseason.

Here’s a quick look at some of the least exciting games of the season involving some of the least exciting teams in the league:

** Week 2: Maryland 9, St. Louis 7
These two teams combined for five wins on the year (and only one was the Rams’) but this early-season match-up should have been an indicator of things to come. Racial Slurs’ K Shaun Suisham kicked three FGs – the longest of which was 28 yards – to seal the victory.

** Week 5: Browns 6, Bills 3
In the lowest-scoring game of the year, Cleveland QB Derek Anderson passed for 23 total yards … and won. Bills WR Terrell Owens finished with one rush for six yards, and was still among the top rushers on either team for the day.

** Week 10: Chiefs 16, Raiders 10
Kansas City avenged its 13-10 Week 2 loss to Oakland with a game possibly more boring than the first contest. All but three of the 26 points scored in the game came before halftime.

** Week 11: Lions 38, Browns 37
This legitimately could have been one of the top games of the year if not for the teams involved. The Lions got their second win of the season (and finished with no more) after a 88-yard TD drive engineered by Detroit QB Matthew Stafford in the final minutes of the game. The teams combined for over 900 yards of offense.

** Week 15: Browns 41, Chiefs 34
Another high-scoring affair from the Browns, but this time they came away winners. Unknown RB Jerome Harrison broke Jim Taylor’s team rushing record with a 286-yard, 3 TD day. The Chiefs 491 yards of offense somehow weren’t enough to pull off a win.

It’s the final week of the season, and I can’t tell what’s stupid anymore because of the constant buzzing left in my ears by 17 weeks of less-than-insightful commentary. You tell me which of these was the most stupidest:

FOX commentator Troy Aikman, during Sunday’s Eagles game: “In the first meeting between these two teams the Cowboys only totaled 76 rushing yards. Now, we’re not even through the first half and they’ve gained more than that.”
The on-screen graphic has the Cowboys with 66 yards of rushing at that point. I double checked, and 66 is still not more than 76.

Oregon football coach Chip Kelly, right before the Rose Bowl: “Our guys should have butterflies before a game like this. Our job is just to make sure those butterflies fly in formation.”
Maybe not the dumbest thing I heard this week, but certainly the wimpiest.

Patriots QB Tom Brady, after learning that WR Wes Welker suffered a year-ending injury on Sunday: “Baltimore doesn’t really know what they’re going to see from us (next week in the playoffs). We’re going to have to shift focus, and they’re really not sure where that focus is going to go. In some ways, that’s an advantage for us.”
Just think of what an advantage it would be if New England lost all its superstars.

Westwood One commentator Scott Graham, before the Jets/Bengals game: “It’s windy and cold there, so weather is going to be the deciding factor in this game.”
The Bengals, who already had a playoff spot, benched most of their starters and were destroyed by the Jets 37-0. But I’m sure the wind was the biggest factor in them deciding not to try.

Looking ahead to next week’s playoff games, I noticed that despite several first- and second-year players taking over major roles for the Dallas squad the Eagles still have a younger average age (26.8 years) than the Cowboys do (26.9 years). Why is this significant? Just look at what that spells out for the big NFC East rematch:

Cowboys/Eagles playoffs rematch
-- Age flaws come, chaps lose by forty –

As I noted before, last year the Cowboys only lost by 38 in their final game of the season, so losing by 40 would be a surprise.

** My mistake last week – Dad dropped two in week 16, leaving him 17 behind and mathematically eliminated for the season. On the plus side, everything gets reset for our annual playoff match-up.

** In case you missed it on Sunday, the Flyers also lost badly (7-4) and the Sixers nearly blew a 16-point fourth quarter lead in their game against the Nuggets. But they held on, so I guess everything turned out happy for the day then…

** Playoff fantasy football, anyone? Every year I ask this, and every year I expect someone to come punch me in the face for suggesting it.

Check back tomorrow for the final season standings.