What to expect in April

After a full week of spring training I feel confident I really have the pulse of this team. In fact, I’m ready to predict how they’ll do in every game in April:

April 2	Atlanta	loss 4-6
April 4	Atlanta	loss 2-7
April 5	Atlanta	win 6-3	(Howard homers)
April 6	at Florida	loss 1-5
April 7	at Florida	win 10-0	(Howard homers)
April 8	at Florida	win 8-3
April 9	at NY Mets	win 5-4
April 11	at NY Mets	loss 1-2
April 12	at NY Mets	win 4-3	(11 innings)
April 13	Houston	win 9-5	(Howard homers twice)
April 14	Houston	win 4-3
April 15	Houston	loss 2-9	(Howard homers)
April 16	NY Mets	loss 0-5
April 17	NY Mets	win 7-6
April 18	at DC	loss 6-8	(10 innings)
April 19	at DC	win 3-1
April 20	at Cincinnati	win 5-3	(Howard homers)
April 21	at Cincinnati	win 6-3	(Howard homers)
April 22	at Cincinnati	win 7-2
April 24	DC	win 9-7	(12 innings, Howard homers)
April 25	DC	loss 1-4
April 26	DC	win 13-3
April 27	Florida	win 5-2
April 28	Florida	loss 4-5	(Howard homers)
April 29	Florida	loss 4-6
April 30	at Atlanta	loss 2-3

They’ll finish the month 15-11, second place in NL East. Howard will have nine home runs and 24 RBIs.

Frankly, I’m surprised the other so-called Phillies experts aren’t men enough to make their predictions public. Maybe they aren’t as smart as me, but it seems pretty obvious that the Phils will sweep that series against the Reds. But that's just me.

I’ll post how they’ll finish in May and June later. That July swoon is really going to hurt them.

Spring Training

Phillies spring training gets in full swing this week, which means two things: someday winter will end and that icy spot on the driveway will finally go away; and baseball is just around the corner.

So to help you get ready for the excitement of foul outs and the infield fly rule, here are six reasons (in tribute to the reigning MVP) that you should be getting yourself in a Phillies state of mind.

The Phillies are guaranteed to hit a historic milestone this summer.
Sure, it's a lousy milestone, but history is history. The Phils need 44 more losses to become the first pro sports franchise ever to record 10,000 losses. With luck, it should come just after the All-Star break in July. You can follow here.

The Phillies could double the other major Philly sports teams' win totals.
On the positive side, 90 wins isn't out of the question for the Phils. The Eagles successful season ended with 11 wins. Right now the Sixers have 17 wins and the Flyers have 16, and they very well might not win another game. That gives them 44 total. It could happen.

The Philles have a pair of mutant freaks on their squad.
One you know about: Ryan Howard's superpower allows him to send little white balls into orbit. But Antonio Alfonseca actually qualifies as a carnival freak -- he has six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot. Seriously.

A 162-game baseball season gives me 162 chances to post anagrams.
That's not gonna happen. But it does give me a chance to dabble in one now and then, to keep my skills sharp. Chase Utley? "He lusty ace!"

The Braves still suck.
Baseball is a good time to recailbrate your hatreds during the NFL offseason. Now, you've got to shift from hating the Dallas Cowboys, New Jersey Giants and Maryland Racial Slurs over to hating the Hotlanta Braves, the New York Mets, and the Dallas Cowboys. Gawd, I hate those Cowboys.

It's either watch the Phillies or the Philly Soul.
The Arena football league starts March 9. Todd France, the very poor man's David Akers, still plays for the squad. Somebody named Felipe Claybrooks plays defense for them. And the Soul has only won one playoff game in their history. No thanks.

The first preseason game is March 1, against the Tigers. Start coming up with your best Placido Palanco taunts now.

Fantasy football recap, Pro Bowl week

-- Top performers, Pro Bowl edition
QB: Carson Palmer, 20.60 points – sitting on the waiver wire
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, 11.10 points – sitting on the waiver wire
WR: Reggie Wayne, 19.60 points – sitting on the waiver wire
TE: Alge Crumpler, 7.00 points – sitting on the wavier wire
K: Nate Keading, 7.00 points – sitting on the wavier wire
DEF: AFC, 19.00 points – sitting on the waiver wire
        Of course, you’d have to be sick to care about the fantasy stats of Pro-Bowl players.
        You’d have to be even sicker if Tony Romo’s interception and Tiki Barber’s cavalier rushing cost you the freaking All-Star fantasy game championship. I’m just saying.

-- Stupidest thing I heard this week
        Football season is officially over, and Sean Salisbury is already working on ruining next season.
Exhibit #1 -- Predicting the Raiders record in 2007: “I see them as a sub-par .500 team. I can’t see them winning more than four games.”
        Then why did you just say they’d be a .500 team, even if they’re sub-par?
Exhibit #2 -- Grading the Lions 2006 season: “This is easy to assign a grade to. I’d give them a C-minus or worse.”
        If it’s so easy, why can’t you just pick a grade?
Exhibit #3 -- On Marty Schottenheimer’s firing: “It is a surprise, but it’s one that a lot of people saw coming.”
        Please, dear gawd, stop the pain

-- Best names in the upcoming draft
*** Tony Ugoh, Arkansas OT – I can’t decide if it’s pronounced “Yugo” or “Ugh”
*** Tony Gonzalez, Ohio State WR – He goes by Anthony, but c’mon: He’s a big guy who catches passes. Of course he’s Tony Gonzalez.
*** Tim Crowder, Texas DE – You gotta like a pass rusher whose name is crowder.
*** Tom Zbikowski, Notre Dame S – Good luck pronouncing that on day two.

-- Funniest thing I read this week
        “It’s hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -- Bill Watterson

-- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        I just couldn’t wait until next season.
        How will “New Head Coach Wade Phillips” do when he takes over the Cowboys next season? Let’s have a look:
*** Sad dope will ache, chap, whine
        Sounds like he’s already in that mid-season Dallas form to me.

Peace Prize finalists

Nothing funny this week -- just a public service announcement. You may have seen the story that Al Gore was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, but as you know the full list of nominees is not released. But through some digging, I got a partial list for you.

Al Gore; former vice president, United States
-- Nominated for his efforts on climate change awareness

Thich Quang Do; political prisoner and monk, Vietnam
-- Nominated for his work to promote human rights and democracy
Sail Training International; non-profit charity, United Kingdom
-- Nominated for helping young people develop their minds through sailing

Marty Morningweg; offensive coordinator, Philadelphia Eagles
-- Nominated for his efforts to bring the run to the people of Philadelphia

Joe Theismann; commentator, ESPN
-- Nominated for his support of brain trauma research, by creating new research subjects through his mind-devestating speech

Rex Grossman; quarterback, Chicago Bears
-- Nominated for his generosity, especially when it comes to the Colts defense

Terrell Owens; wide receiver, Dallas Cowboys
-- Nominated for 25 million reasons

If I find out any more names, I'll let you know.

Professional column revisited

Here's the Super Bowl wrap-up. As promised, the lead makes fun of Dan Marino.