Fantasy recap week #4

Phun Phacts about the Phillies



-- Shane Victorino: He is the shortest member of the Phils, at two-feet-three-inches tall.
-- Chase Utley: He bats left handed but throws right handed. He kills with both hands.
-- Tad Iguchi: He is not So Taguchi. They are different people.
-- Ryan Howard: To build up power, he splits logs … with his bare hands.
-- Andy Tracy: He is on this team. No clue what he does.
-- Geoff Jenkins: His name is uncomfortably close to Gregg Jeffries for my tastes.
-- Jimmy Rollins: He draws defensive strength from drinking the tears of Mets fans.






Top performers



QB: Brett Favre, 45.56 pts – started by Jo
RB: Larry Johnson, 35.30 pts – started by Jo
WR: Laveranues Coles, 33.00 pts – started by Dad
TE: Jason Whitten, 19.00 pts – started by Heidi
K: Matt Prater, 17.00 pts – started by Paulie
D: New York Jets, 23.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: LaMarr Woodley, 15.50 pts – sitting on the wire
     Not bad, kids – every one of the top offensive performers was played this week, and nearly everyone hit the magic 100-point mark. It’s almost as if you all have figured this fantasy thing out finally.






Worst performers, “Everybody in” edition



3rd place: Mark Clayton, -0.10 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench
2nd place: Josh McCown, -0.20 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Arizona, -2.00 pts – started by Jeff
     Proof that fantasy football is a terrible judge of actual performance, the Cardinals gave up six passing touchdowns and 56 points, but cost Jeff only two points in the standings. There should be an extra penalty for letting an 130-year-old QB set a team record against you.






Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week Award



     I’m a man of my word – If I tell you you’ll be ridiculed for not updating your roster and you start four guys on a bye, then I’ve got to make fun of you. However, it should be noted that while Jim fielded only half a team this week, he still beat out six other teams in points.
     Honorable mention goes to Neal, who started a kicker on a bye and a QB who had been very publicly benched during the week (Marc Bulger). But all that is part of Neal’s “less is more” strategy, having not picked up or dropped a single player yet this year.
     I bet it turns out just as successful as a goal line dive with an inexperienced fullback corps.






Stupidest thing I heard this week



     During the final game of the season, Orioles radio broadcaster Joe Angel unleashed this gem:
     “So the Orioles will finish the year with a 5-20 record in September and their first last-place finish in the division since 1988. But they have made strides this year. You just haven’t really seen it in the pitching or the fielding.”
     Forgetting the obvious, the team was 8th out of 14 teams in the AL in hitting too, so there haven’t really been strides there either. But the hot dog vendors really brought their A-game this year.
     He later added that the team has a lot of valuable pieces to trade “even though nearly the entire team was put on waivers last month and nobody wanted them.”






Cowboys anagram insult of the week



     Cowboys new wideout Miles Austin thinks he can be a great receiver in this league.
     But honestly, how can anyone take you seriously when your name clearly spells out “I is lame nuts” for everyone to see?
     For the record, that anagram just barely beat out “Aimless unit” and “Tuna Missile” and “It’s snail emu!”
     “A men slut, I is” just seemed too mean to consider.






Actual conversation I heard this week



     Two guys chatting on the Metro, both wearing ties and headed downtown from Capitol Hill:
Guy #1: Did you catch the Sparks game last night? Unbelievable finish. That’s good stuff.
Guy #2: No, I missed … is that hockey?
Guy #1: WNBA. Those girls can play.
Guy #2: Um. Sure.
Guy #1: You gotta watch their next game. It was awesome.
Guy #2: Um. Sure.
     Dude seemed completely serious about it too, although he kept alternating between calling them the San Antonio Sparks and the Seattle Sparks as the conversation went on. (They’re from LA, my crack research found out).
     But apparently there is one fan out there. And if he convinced his friend to watch too, their TV rating could double.






Our standings so far



1st place: Arena Bowl Champions, Jo – 514.84 pts
2nd place: Awesomenicity, Heidi – 494.82 pts
3rd place: Ice Road Truckers, Dad – 489.54 pts
     To quote the Family Guy, I need all of you to help me beat my wife. She has scored 336 pts in the last two weeks – Jeff, down there in last, has 383 pts in the last four.






News and notes



-- To better empathize with our friends from Ohio, the staff here at Fort Awesome decided on Sunday to lose power for eight hours after a drunk driver knocked down a power-line pole in our backyard. Not to worry, though: Our neighbors with electricity were kind enough to invite us over to watch that fourth-quarter Eagles debacle.
-- Related, I’ll be taking up a collection later this week to try and buy the Eagles a playbook with the QB sneak included in it. I hear the Patsies pretty much don’t need their offensive plays anymore this year.

Ha!

What do these three all have in common?



They're all choking hazards.

Oh, it just isn't getting any less funny.

Is it safe yet?

I've been checking ESPN for the last few hours ... I mean, it's for sure, right? They're not gonna tell me that the Mets could win three tomorrow or that double play didn't happen or that Adam Eaton counts as five extra losses at the end of the season, right?

No?

In that case...


YESSSSSSSS!

By the way, best sign at the game today:

Fantasy recap week #3

Time for everyone’s favorite game!



        How’s your NFL knowledge? See if you can identify which of these are defensive players who have scored at least 10 fantasy points this year, and which are 2004’s up-and-coming Canadian film stars:
-- Gaines Adams: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Paul Fox: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Rashad Jeanty: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Ziad Touma: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Channing Crowder: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Travis LaBoy: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Ricky Mabe: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Max B. Reid: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
        Seriously, if you got more than four right you need to watch less football.






Top Performers



QB: Drew Brees, 22.84 pts – started by Bob
RB: Ronnie Brown, 43.66 pts – sitting on my bench
WR: TJ Whosyourmama, 27.73 pts – started by Mike
TE: Jeremy Stevens, 15.07 pts – sitting on the wire
K: John Carney, 15.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Philly, 31.00 pts – started by Jo
D: Antonio Cromartie, 20.50 pts – sitting on Joel's bench
        Let’s get it out of the way: Ronnie Brown’s five TDs was the most scoring by a non-QB in six years (Shawn Alexander) and would have been more than enough to catapult me back into contention… if I had bothered to start him. But I didn’t, and my starters just barely outscored my bench.
        That’s why I’m still bruised and battered at the bottom of the pile like Big Ben. I’m giving myself the blown coach call award for the second week in a row.





Worst Performers, crappy QBs edition



3rd place: Ben Roethlisberger, 0.34 pts – sitting on Jeff’s bench
2nd place: Kevin Kolb, -1.92 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Dan Orlovsky, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
        Kolb’s first pass was a pick, but he’s clearly ready to step in if McNabb gets hurt. And how often does the Don go down with an injury anyway?





Stupidest thing I heard last week



        I forgot to write this down last week, and nothing was dumber this week, so…
        Fox Sports Jay Glazer reported on air that the Saints were going to announce a contract extension for Coach Sean Payton. Then he added:
        “People need to remember that before Payton got here, this franchise was mired with years of losing records, and they had just been displaced for an entire year by Hurricane Katrina. That’s not the case anymore.”
        If only they could have moved Payton up to Ohio last week, our good friends could have avoided that nasty storm. He keeps hurricanes away.





Signs you may be choking



-- Your face is blue (or your hats are blue)
-- You can’t clear your throat (or the bases in the 8th inning)
-- People around you say you’re choking (family, friends, fans)
-- You make funny noises like “garggh” or “delgado”
-- You have a history of choking, and it feels like this





Cowboys anagram insult of the week



        I poke fun at the Cowpokes a lot here, and we all get a good laugh out of it. But when I see Dallas players trying to push their moral depravity onto the general public, it leaves me disgusted and infuriated.
        So when I saw Felix Jones break off a 60-plus TD run on Sunday, I was amazed no one charged the field to protest the letters in his name screaming out “Join Elf Sex!” to all of America.
        Why do we even have an FCC, if not to stop these twisted fetishes from reaching our homes? Won’t someone think of the children?
        I haven’t seen anything this offensive since Dallas’ Roger Staubach (Hug cobras, salad later). At least Jones isn’t promoting poor nutrition and improper snake handling at the same time. But football fans shouldn’t have to think about elf sex during a wholesome Sunday game.





Our standings so far



1st place: Awesomenicity, Heidi -- 381.94 pts
2nd place: The Moravians, Bob -- 378.77 pts
3rd place: Porkchop Express, Neal -- 368.89 pts
        You all knew Heidi would reclaim first again. I’m just surprised it took this long.
        The good news is the distance between first and last place is still less than 85 points, so like the Brewers you still mathematically have a chance.





News and notes




-- Dad only has a five game lead on me, and I can already see his inner Carlos Beltran getting ready to choke that away soon.
-- Bye weeks start this Sunday, kids. Remember to bench guys who aren’t playing, or I will make fun of you.
-- Sorry about Wille Parker and the Steelers, Jim. At least you still have the Yankees in October ... oh, right.

Story #18

Troops deal with slower pace of war

Just because I'm back doesn't mean I've stopped writing stories over there. Very confusing.

Fantasy recap week #2

Special stock market edition!

Buy or Sell



Stock: QB Donovan McNabb
Trader’s Rec: BUY. Looks like the old Don is back this year. He even ran for a first down once. No, you didn’t imagine that.

Stock: Dallas’ 2008 Super Bowl
Trader’s Rec: SELL. Wonder what’s gonna happen when they face a real defense (you know, one that’ll drop safeties deep to stop bombs to T.O.)

Stock: Andy Reid’s two-minute offense
Trader’s Rec: SELL. Why did you buy this in the first place? This stock has been a dud since 2004.

Stock: WR DeSean Jackson
Trader’s Rec: HOLD … onto the ball, your moron.

Stock: S Roy Williams
Trader’s Rec: SELL. Hurts when someone else’s shot breaks a bone, doesn’t it? And this one wasn’t even a cheap shot.

Stock: WR Mike Vick
Trader’s Rec: BUY. It’s only nine months until the Eagles sign him to a free agent contract. Trust me, buy into it early.

Top Performers



QB: Jay Cutler, 38.60 pts – sitting on Paul’s bench
RB: Brian Westbrook, 32.80 pts – started by Ant
WR: Brandon Marshall, 35.07 pts – started by Neal
TE: Tony Scheffler, 22.77 pts – started by Paul
K: Ryan Longwell, 19.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Green Bay, 24.00 pts – started by Joel
D: Justin Tuck, 14.00 pts – sitting on the wire
    Paul had about 10 other top performers too, en route to a 176-point week and reclaiming the first place spot he held most of last year. So we’re back to hating him.

Worst Performers, all positions edition



3rd place: TE Greg Olsen, -1.53 pts – started by Bob
2nd place: Denver, -3.00 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: St. Louis, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire
    Hot tip for your team: So far, the St. Louis defense is worth -10 pts this season. If you’ve been scoring too many points, consider grabbing them.

Fun with trends



-- Broncos QB Jay Cutler is on pace for a 5,200-yard passing season. Eagles QB Donovan McNabb is on pace for a disappointing 5,136 yards. Patriots QB Tom Brady is still on pace for a 78-yard passing season.
-- Eagles rookie WR DeSean Jackson is on pace for a 96-catch, 1,728-yard season with zero TDs (because he keeps dropping the ball at the one.)
-- The Rams are on pace to score 128 points and only 8 TDs but give up 632 en route to a 0-16 season.
-- Vikings RB Adrian Peterson is on pace to run you down like a dog this year. Seriously, I’m having nightmares about him after the Colts game Sunday.

Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week Award



    Ignoring that Big Andy, with the game on the line, yet again called a 10-yard pass play on fourth and 17 … I’m gonna eat crow and lay out my best fantasy move in a while.
    On Sunday, nervous that LT might not play, I picked up his backup (Darren Sproles) but then decided not to start him. LT did start and get me 5.53 pts, but Sproles totaled 27.94 pts on my bench.
    But even better than that, to get Sproles onto my bench I dropped my starting defensive player, San Fran’s Patrick Willis … who had an 89-yard interception return for a TD on Sunday. Total he had another 14 points, and that’s a grand total of more than 36 points I lost with one move (enough to move me up five spots in the standings).
    That’s quality coaching, kids. Learn from the master.

Cowboys anagram insult of the week



Sure, last night’s loss was painful. But you can take hope that it was only the second game of the season, something that the “Dallas Cowboys’ Kevin Burnett” knows well. Just look at what his name spells out:
*** O, be brave: Lucky wins don’t last ***
Let’s hope he’s right.

Our standings so far



1st place: I heart WRs, Paul – 266.95 pts
2nd place: Porkchop Express, Neal – 251.19 pts
3rd place: The Moravians, Bob – 250.30
    Meanwhile, Jo and I are last and 11th place, respectively. Thanks for playing nice while I was gone, jerks.

News and notes



-- Delaware won it’s first game of the year this weekend, thumping West Chester 48-20. The Hens outrushed the Golden Rams by a slim 308-16 margin, and even blocked an extra-point attempt just to add insult to injury. Next up: the #23 Furman Paladins. Division I-AA has some real mascot problems.
-- Which one of you let Kerry Collins get another starting QB job while I was gone?
-- I think I’m already down 40 games to my father on the season picks, despite the fact they’ve only played 31. I also think my calculator might have gotten messed up in Iraq.

Check out the title

That's right, kids -- we're no longer off base from Fort Awesome anymore. I got back onto U.S. soil a few hours ago and am now making a futile attempt to stay awake for the Monday night game.

I've still got a few more stories to run and plenty of football stuff coming up, so keep checking the site. But thanks to everybody for keeping me sane with the comments on here. Your kind words and potty humor made the 120-degree heat feel like it was just 100 degrees.

Story #17

Troops push for same goals on different halves of city

In other news, I'm already on my second nap of the day.

Rain, beautiful rain

Germany is cold and miserable today --- exactly what I was hoping to see after 25 days above 95 degrees.

But more importantly, I get to walk around in it, because my flight arrived safely and I'm resting comfortably at Ramstein AFB as I type. Last night's USF-Kansas game is on the TV, and there's pizza around the corner that I've already scoped out for lunch.

Flight home is still scheduled for Monday, and I still have some office work to do tomorrow, but I'm nice and relaxed at the moment. And clean. Dear gawd, that was a lot of dust and sand.

Story #16

Rebuilding teams eye long-term goals

Still a few more to come...

Story #15

Qada chief vows not to surrender

Even though I've left the country, the stories keep on coming.

Just a little weird ...

I'm currently sitting at the Kuwait Airport Starbucks killing about six hours before my midnight flight to Frankfurt. Pretty sure I never thought I'd write that sentence...

So, as y'all saw from my Twitter over there, I'm out of Iraq and on my way to Europe. Hopefully this flight goes smooth and I sleep for most of it, because it'll be more running around in Germany once I hit the ground. But the number of people carrying guns around is decreasing every day, so that's good news all around.

Major Awesome?

I got told by a public affairs officer today that he was instructed (by who, I don't know) to treat me as the equivalent of a GS-13 government worker, putting me somewhere around the rank of major. That's higher than my normal Capt. Awesome rank, so I'm wondering how I got a promotion...

Hopefully it just gets me a comfy bed for what could be my last night in Iraq. I'm making a push to the airport sometime tomorrow, so everyone cross your toes that my flight schedule works out an I'm sitting comfortably in Germany sometime in the next 48 hours.

Story #14

Muscle injuries dominate Camp Taji clinic’s cases

Coulda used some advice from them today -- I think I pulled a stomach muscle sleeping. Can I get a purple heart for a lumpy mattress?

Week 1 fantasy recap

Abbreviated, but ...

### Observations from not watching Sunday’s game
-- I might have read the stats line wrong, but it looks like LB Shawn Bradley led the team in tackles. He’s much better on the gridiron than in basketball.
-- I’m disappointed to see WR Hank Baskett got his one 100-yard game of the year out of the way so quickly.
-- Everyone who said McNabb should be traded in the offseason gets shot right now.
-- Whoever did the box score must have been drunk; They actually wrote that WR Greg Lewis had a good game.
-- How did RB Tony Hunt get a two-yard TD run? Why weren’t we passing that close to the end zone?
-- St. Louis kinda sucks.

### Funniest thing I heard this week (NFL edition)
        I only caught a little football this weekend, but it included the second Monday night game. With the score 34-7 and the Broncos facing third down at the one yard line, play-by-play guy Mike Greenberg said that “This is one of those situations where you dig down deep and play for pride, and try and prove that you’re really better than this game has gone.”
        When RB Michael Pittman walked across the goal line on the next play, Greenberg added “Or maybe not.”

### Stupidest thing I heard this week (Iraq edition)
        For the second time this week, somebody told me dysentery is a good way to learn about the local food and culture. But this guy was in psychological operations, so he might have just been seeing how much he could screw with the media.

### Funniest thing I thought this week (me edition)
        Sportscenter: “When asked how QB Tom Brady took the news that he’d have to undergo season ending surgery, coach Belechick said he reacted pretty much the way you’d expect.”
        Me: He cheated?

### Cowboys anagram insult of the week
I know it's early, but it's pretty clear how the Cowboys season is going to end again this year. Just look at "Tony Romo gets a playoff win" and you see:
*** A sporty figment -- no way, fool. ***
God, I missed those in the offseason.

### News and notes
-- RB Jerious Norwood got a TD this week. I hate that guy.
-- Sorry for the abbreviated edition, kids. We’ll try and get it right next week.

Rain!

To follow on my twitter posts, I actually got caught in a rainstorm today.

Sure, it was only three minutes, and the high winds simply could have been clowing water from the nearby river onto me, but it was close to rain. Plus, it kept the temperatures from getting way about 100 degrees today.

The wind was blowing a lot of sand and dust around, but I managed to snap a picture to prove how crazy the weather was:



Not my best work, but I think it conveys the idea.

Story #13

Notebook: Chowing down for Charlie Company

One of the copy editors complimented me for using my Philly roots to find an eating contest in the middle of a war zone. At least I think it was a compliment...

Stories #11 and #12

Troops sacrifice sleep for kickoff

Electricity powers normalcy in Baghdad suburbs

There's the promised football story and another from a few days back. Sports guys did a good job with the layout too, considering I didn't give them any photos to work with.

Watching stupid Eli

Got up at 2am this morning to see the first real football of the season, and found a pair of soldiers (a Dolphins fan and a Cowboys fan) as dumb as me doing the same thing. I'm trying to get a story in tomorrow's paper about it, but here's what we talked about, in order, without any prompting from me:

-- How everyone was a Giants fan for just one day last year
-- How the Eagles desperately need better wide receivers
-- How Barry Sanders was better than Emmitt Smith
-- Why Dan Marino never had a running game
-- How much of a blowhard T.O. is

So, basically, I spent the middle of the night hanging around with the black, Army version of Dad and Mr. Harris. And, just like at home, we all agreed that Marino was the best QB we've ever seen.

Story #10

District hopes to build off drop in violence

Not to be lost in the real news of the day (see below), here's my big wrap-up story from southern Baghdad.

Lookie what I found!

You just can't get away from those DiFulvios.

So, I went out on a patrol today and for fuel reasons we had to make a detour to Camp Liberty. We only had an hour there to grab lunch and fill up, so I didn't even bother looking for Elizabeth.

Of course, if you want to find a Difulvio all you have to do is go looking for the food. I ran smack into her in the middle of the dining hall, much to both of our surprise. Also shocking -- nearly every other person who walked by knew her and made a side comment. I'm just not used to seeing a Difulvio being that talkative.

She looks great (doesn't have that depressed, dirty look of most of the folks around here) and is getting her Army mandated three hours of sleep each night. So you don't have to worry about her, Ant, and you can start planning a welcome home party. She wants Guiseppe's pizza too.

Overheard in Taji

Actual things I heard from soliders today:

** "Dysentery is a good way to learn about Iraq. You can quote me on that."

** "We don't give the Iraqis enough credit. But they aren't good at doing things like making decisions."

** "I think that kid just asked me to give him a donkey."

** "What's the hardest thing about being a reporter? Besides the being sent to Iraq thing?"

I could give you context, but I assure you it wouldn't help explain any of them...

Looking south

I've already made the jump up to Taji, but wanted to take one last look back at dear old southern Baghdad...



Yep, that's pretty much it -- searing sun and concrete walls everywhere. I actually saw a field with green stuff in it today and almost cried.

Stories #8 and #9

Keeping Iraqis honest at the pump

Troops prep for Ramadhan

The main pic for the gas story is on the web site's front page for the moment (and on the front of the print edition; about time I did something good enough for that). It'll probably be a few days before I get anything else in, since I'm gonna be moving again in a few hours.