Fantasy league 2019 -- week 3 recap

WR Antonio Brown was released by the Patriots on Friday, after the team decided for the first time in nearly 20 years that they should have some sort of ethics or morality. But despite the sudden nature of his departure, it’s not too early to speculate whether he was the greatest New England receiver of all time. Consider:

** Brown caught a TD pass in every single game he played for the Patriots.
** Brown never recorded fewer than 50 receiving yards in a game he played with the team.
** Brown averaged 5.0 yds per rush with the team.
** With Brown on the field, QB Tom Brady never threw a single interception.
** The Patriots won every game Brown played by an average of 43 pts.

That’s a pretty clear resume of success. I just hope that, as the next few months unfold and Brown faces an uncertain future full of legal troubles, the public doesn’t forget that Antonio Brown ABSOLUTELY WAS A MEMBER OF THE PATRIOTS and the staff should always be remembered as working hard to make sure he proudly wore the colors of their franchise. When he goes into Canton (the Canton football Hall of Fame or the Canton municipal jail, whichever comes first), he should still be wearing that Patriots’ jersey for his enshrining/incarceration.

QB: Russell Wilson, 45.34 pts — started by Mom D
WR: Mike Evans, 34.67 pts — started by Mike
RB: Mark Ingram, 32.43 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Greg Olsen, 20.00 pts — on Mom D’s bench
K: Matt Gay, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 22.00 pts — started by Bob
D: Shaquil Barrett, 15.00 pts — on the wire

Barrett, whom you never heard of before this moment, had four sacks on Sunday in the Bucs’ game against the Giants and now sits at 8 sacks so far this year. He’s on pace for 42 for the season. It’s worth noting that the NFL record for sacks in a season is 22, held by three different players. None of them are Michael Strahan, who has 22.5 sacks in 2001 when his buddy Brett Favre rolled over at the end of the last game of the regular season to help him unfairly break that mark.

Anyways, Barrett is on pace to almost double that.

If you had Russell Wilson in your “Who will be the first QB to pass for 400 yds, rush for two TDs and still lose a game” pool, congrats. You can collect your money any day this week.


“New England Patriots” edition

3rd place: Jonathan Jones, 0.50 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Gunner Olszewski, -1.12 pts — on the wire
1st place: Jarrett Stidham, -1.44 pts — on the wire

Things have been going pretty well for the Patsies of late (off to a 3-0 start against three of the worst teams in the NFL) but it’s important to remember that not everything is perfect. For example, backup QB Stidham saw his first action of the year on Sunday during mop-up work at the end and promptly threw the first interception of his career, earning him the bottom of the worst performers list this week. So, take that, New England.

** Last Friday, Browns Coach Freddie Kitchens (his actual Christian name, not a mob nickname) was asked about his team’s mediocre rushing attack so far this season. “I would love to get (RB) Nick (Chubb) more touches,” was his reply.

If only someone who relay that information to the coach so he could do something about that. Oh, wait …

** The Philly Inquirer this week reported that in the offseason, Eagles Coach Doug Pederson handed out T-shirts to the entire team that read “Everything Matters,” to remind the team that little details can be the difference between winning and losing.

No word if the team has switched to new T-shirts this week that read “Anything Matters” to remind the players to do something positive on the football field this week.

** Asked after Monday Night’s loss whether he would consider benching QB Case Keenum next week, Maryland Racial Slurs Coach Jay Gruden said Kennum would keep the job because “I think the most important thing is we have to have some continuity. I can't be changing people every five minutes here.”

Keenum had five turnovers on Monday (three interceptions, two fumbles) and the team is off to a 0-3 start. If they can just lose the next three in a row, they’ll be on their way to some impressive continuity.

Saturday’s Ohio State/Miami of Ohio contest started out interesting — the Redhawks held a 5-0 late in the first quarter — but took a more predictable turn as the Buckeyes scored the next 76 pts unanswered to win by 71. In fact, the game got so out of hand that when it started thundering with 2:40 left in the fourth quarter, the referees suspended play and ended the game there.

But should they have? What if Miami of Ohio protested the move and continued the game a few hours later without informing the Buckeyes. Could they have come back to win if they took the field alone, with 160 seconds left on the clock? Let’s gameplan it:

** 2:40 — The Redhawks face a second and 9 from their own 14-yard line. They hand off to their tailback, who races up the middle of the field (where Buckeyes should be playing, but are now back home sitting on their couches) and goes 87 yards for the touchdown. Last season, Chargers RB Melvin Gordon had an 87-yard TD run against the Patriots that took 15 seconds, so let’s assume with no defense that Miami of Ohio can do it just as fast. This leaves 145 seconds in the game, with the score 76-11.

** 2:25 — The Redhawks rush up the middle for a two-point conversion. This is an untimed down, so no time comes off the clock. The score is now 76-13.

** 2:25 — The Redhawks attempt an onside kick. The clock starts when the opposing team touches the ball. If the kicking team recovers the ball, it’s down at the spot of recovery and no time comes off the clock. Since no opposing team is on the field, the Redhawks are assured of getting the ball without wasting any time. They kick off from their own 35-yard line, pooch it about 25 yards downfield to the opposite 40-yard line, and recover it.

** 2:25 — On first and 10, the Redhawks hand off to their second-string RB (their starter is still gassed from the 87-yard run) and he takes 10 seconds to go 40 yards into the end zone. After the successful, untimed two-point conversion, the score is 76-21.

** 2:15 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-29.

** 2:05 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-37.

** 1:55 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-45.

** 1:40 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-53. However, all that running has started to take a toll on the team. Even with backups coming in, the handoffs and 40-yard dashes in full gear has started to slow down some.

** 1:25 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-61.

** 1:10 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-69.

** 0:55 — Repeating the steps above, the Redhawks make it 76-77. They recover one more onside kick, then kneel on the ball twice to bleed out the rest of the clock. Miami of Ohio wins by one point with just under a minute to spare.

It’s a totally realistic scenario, and shows exactly why every single second of every game should be played. You never know what can happen.


Usually I like to focus on current Dallas players here, but this week the Cowboys made a surprise move to dump their former first-round pick Vidauntae "Taco" Charlton after a playing time dispute. It made me wonder — can we learn anything from former Cowboy players? What do the cosmic forces spell out in their names that help us understand the cesspool that is the Dallas franchise?

Luckily, Taco did not disappoint.

Cowboys release former top pick Defensive End Taco Charlton
** Free at last of dopes, I cry! Evil corps breed cannot choke me now.


There must be no greater joy in life than escaping from the clutches of those depths of darkness. I wish Taco all the best in his new home in … (checks notes) .. he just signed with the Dolphins so nevermind, he’s just gonna get his brains beat in and lose every week. Tough break.
** Dropped three of four AGAIN to Dad this week, putting me six down already in our yearly picks contest. At this rate, I’ll be eliminated for the season in week 8, just before the Eagles are.

** If you somehow missed the Philly fire hero who threw shade at a certain Eagles wideout during a TV interview, please take a moment to fix that.

** Baseball season ended a month ago, why do you ask?

Week 3 standings

1 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 397.26 pts
2 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 371.40 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 371.06 pts
4 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 362.73 pts
5 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 350.77 pts
6 — SoccerSeasonOrphans (Paul), 348.20 pts
7 — Philly Special (Jo), 346.12 pts
8 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 340.97 pts
9 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 334.71 pts
10 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 326.84 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 284.81 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount), 0.00 pts

Joey McD remains off the scoreboard, but it’s worth noting that two of his bench players recorded tackles this week. I did my best to fill the roster with players that were injured or not on any teams at the time of the draft, but two of them — Bengals RB Samaje Perine and Saints RB Dwayne Washington — were later signed and saw special teams action this weekend. Another of Joey’s starters, Lions WR Marvin Hall, was on the field for the Eagles game on Sunday but did not record any stats. Still, we’re inching ever closer to the dead team accidentally scoring some points.

In less exciting league news, we have a change at the top of the leaderboard. My team’s gawd-awful showing this week (82 pts!) dropped me out of first, and Anthony’s 145 pts jumped him into the pole position. Also posting huge weeks were Mike (up four spots in the standings), Jeff (up two spots) and Dad (up three spots), while Sam saw the biggest plummet, dropping six places this week alone. Still, one through 10 feels very bunched up, with less than 72 pts between them.

Remember to get those rosters set early for the Eagles/Packers game on Thursday night, which I’m sure won’t feel like an unbearable slog after both teams had to fly across the country on Monday because of the NFL’s insatiable appetite for more ratings.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 2 recap

** Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes is on pace to throw for 56 TDs and 6,568 yds this year (7 TDs and 821 yds through two games), both of which would break the single-season records (55 TDs and 5,477 yds by Peyton Manning in 2013).

** Minnesota RB Dalvin Cook is on pace to rush for 2,120 yds this year (265 yds through two games) which would break the single-season record (2,105 yds by Eric Dickerson in 1983).

** Bengals WR John Ross III (who you have never heard of before) is on pace to collect 24 TDs and 2,160 yds this year (3 TDs and 270 yds through two games), both of which would break the single-season records (23 TDs by Randy Moss in 2007 and 1,924 yds by Calvin Johnson in 2012).

** New England WR Antonio Brown is on pace to have 16 felony-level accusations against him this season (two through two games), which would tie the single-season record (held by multiple Cowboys players).

** Giants QB Eli Manning (0-2 in two starts this season, just benched for next week) is on pace to never win another NFL game, ever.

 

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 39.62 pts — started by Dad
WR: Demarcus Robinson, 26.97 pts — on the wire
RB: Dalvin Cook, 25.37 pts — started by Ant
TE: Vance McDonald, 18.03 pts — on my bench
K: Joey Slye, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New England, 42.00 pts — started by me
D: Jamie Collins Sr., 13.50 pts — on the wire

Don’t feel too bad about my TE mistake — I started the #2 QB on the week (Lamar Jackson, 34.88 pts) and the defense with the best fantasy performance of any team in the last seven years (yes, I checked). The 42 pts from the stinking lousy cheating Patriots included seven sacks, four interceptions, two defensive TDs and zero pts allowed. In other news, the Dolphins offense is not good.

Mahomes gets the top QB scoring spot for his one quarter of work this week. The Chiefs scored all of their 28 pts in the second quarter, all on long TD passes by the reigning MVP. On the CBS broadcast, announcer Jim Nantz said it was only the third time in NFL history a QB has thrown four TD passes of more than 25-yds each in a single quarter. “The other two were Norm van Brocklin and Tom Brady, in 2009,” he said. Fellow booth announcer Tony Romo immediately jumped in and said, “Wow, I’m surprised van Brocklin could still do that in 2009!”

Don’t try and make me like you, Romo. I'm not taking you off the "worst performers" banner.


“Names you know” edition

3rd place: Corey Clement, 0.04 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Drew Brees, -0.48 pts — on Dad’s bench
1st place: Ryan Fitzpatrick, -1.84 pts — on the wire

Speaking of that Dolphins offense...

Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick threw three interceptions against 11 completions during Sunday’s massacre, including those two picks returned for touchdowns. That means it’s time to once again pull out my favorite stat, the reverse QB rating.

Fitzmagic, as his friends call him, went 11 of 21 for 89 yds and three INTs passing to his fellow Miami teammates, for a QB rating of 23.8. But, if you assume he was actually playing for New England, then he went 3 of 21 for 123 yds with 11 INTs but also two TDs, which is a reverse QB rating of 43.7. And for comparison, your QB rating Sunday (1 attempt, zero yds, zero TDs, zero INTs) was 39.6. So Fitzpatrick was nearly twice as good of a QB for the team he was playing against than his own squad. Solid work out there this week, buddy.

Also, not for nothing, but Drew Brees being among the fantasy losers for the week is one of the signs of the end times.

** Headline from PhillyVoice this week, about the lackluster crowds at Citizens Bank Park of late: Why don't Phillies fans seem to care about a team in the thick of a playoff race?

I’m not sure why the author assumes that Philadelphia fans would care about the Braves or the Dodgers, or what that has to do with going to watch baseball locally. Very weird premise.

EDIT: Oh I see the column is supposing that the PHILLIES are in the playoff race hahaha that’s hilarious they’re 15 games out of first place and half a week behind in the second wild card. They need to go 6-8 to close out the year just to have a winning record. They are in no way, shape, or form in the thick of the playoff race.

** For once, NBC color commentator Chris Collinsworth beat me to the joke.

During Sunday night’s Eagles game, late in the fourth, as the Eagles lined up for a two-point conversion attempt, Collinsworth noted that “there aren’t a lot of players on the field right now who normally practice this play.” Several Eagles starters, including WRs Alshon Jeffery and DeSean Jackson, were on the sideline injured. “I don’t know if these guys are familiar with this situation.”

Then QB Carson Wentz threw a strike to TE Zach Ertz, the most targeted player on the Eagles offense. Collinsworth, realizing his mistake, quickly added, “Oh, well there’s that guy.”

** In another injury from from that mess of an Eagles game, DT Timmy Jernigan suffered a broken foot. He is expected to be out four to six weeks, according to team doctors.

Look, I’m no team doctor, but I’m also pretty sure the team doctors aren’t medically licensed personnel either. Because if you think that a 300-pound man can get back to running at full speed -- with an extra 30 pounds of protective equipment on his head and shoulders (but not his foot, of course) — within one month, you’re either a quack or a wizard. And if you’re a wizard, why can’t you heal him sooner?

On Saturday, the Maryland Terrapins accomplished something very few football teams have managed in the last 100 years or so — They lost a game despite recording two defensive safeties. The Temple Owls won the contest 20-17 despite giving up 4 points on a pair of balls tossed out the back of the end zone (once on a botched punt snap, once on purpose with no time left in the 4th quarter).

College football does not keep good stats on teams recording safeties, but the NFL keeps copious notes on all scoring, available on NFL.com. That lead me down the following rabbit hole:

** 18 times in NFL history a team has recorded two safeties in a game.
** Of those 18 times, one was a three-safety performance by the LA Rams in 1984, which still stands as the single-game record.
** Of those 18 times, only once has a team recorded two safeties and lost. That was the Bills, who lost 12-10 to the Texans in 2003 despite 4 points from their defense.
** The New York Giants have the most two-safety games, with three. But they were also the team to give up three safeties in a game to the Rams in 1984, so …
** All of the above statements may be false because I found mistakes in the NFL’s official record keeping online.

Yeah, about that last point …

In that list of 18 games, the NFL has two contests — Oakland vs. San Diego on Oct. 26, 1975, and Denver vs. Seattle on Jan. 2, 1983 — where there were no safeties. I checked the box scores. It’s just a straight mistake. So that may mean there are only 16 games where two safeties occured, or it could mean the NFL is really really lazy about recording safety stats.

For the record, back in 2004 — before most of these records were online — I wrote up for G-money a seven-page analysis of the previous decade on whether teams that score safeties lose more often than they win (spoiler alert: They don’t, unless they’re the Eagles. Overall teams won 60 percent of their games. In games involving the Eagles, teams that scored a safety went 3-6). The point is I may be a little obsessed with safety stats and disheartened that they aren’t kept better.

I also may or may not have started looking for an email on NFL.com where I could ask for a correction to the mistake, but then stopped because I thought I could probably just find the answer myself, then figured out a way to isolate the 577 NFL games in history that has a safety, then looked through about 30 box scores because I realized I had lost my mind and needed to get started on the anagram.

By the way, teams that score a safety are 1-1 in the NFL so far this year.


Dallas has six new faces on its starting roster this year, including UCF grad Trysten Hill on their defensive line. This week, the Dallas coaching staff praised him as a good fit for the team so far, a rising star within their system. Is that because of his exemplary line play? Of course not, it has to do with the complete lack of morals and ethics he has shown thus far. That should come as no surprise, however, given the clear horrors that the letters in his name spell out:

Cowboys new Defensive Tackle Trysten Hill
** I feel the crowd’s blackness intently. Very ow.
** Evil is thy wont. Let neck be a cry of lewdness.
** Tell cheesy TV: I wickedly feast on newborns

After several years of doing this, it’s honestly difficult to keep “evil” out of these anagrams. It just comes up over and over and over ...

** Dropped three of four to Dad this week, so like Miami I’m already way behind in the standings before October rolls around. I’m four back after two weeks, putting me on pace to finish 32 games behind. So that would still be better than the Dolphins, but not by much.

** When I went back to check on that 2012 defensive scoring stat from earlier, I also stumbled across a week 16 post from that season where I complained that ESPN was airing “a special Saturday night edition of Monday night football.” So apparently seven years is not enough time to calm my anger over this. Oh well, maybe next year.

** Bills QB Josh Allen, fresh off beating the Giants and Jets the first two weeks this season, was asked by a Giants beat reporter if he had extra motivation in the games because he wasn’t drafted by one of the New York teams last year. His response: “I do play in New York,” and later “There is only one team that plays in New York,” taking a shot at the New Jersey home for the other two teams.

In related news, I want the Bills to make the playoffs now.

Week 2 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 288.88 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 252.30 pts
3 — Philly Special (Jo), 241.70 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 233.74 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 226.77 pts
6 — The Underachievers (Paul), 223.97 pts
7 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 217.34 pts
8 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 216.79 pts
9 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 203.48 pts
10 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 201.21 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 195.92 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount), 0.00 pts

I feel like Joey isn’t even trying here...

Solid work by Jo, who jumps up to bronze medal position despite killing two QBs so far (Nick Foles and Ben Roethlisberger). She’s starting Matt Stafford against the Eagles next week, so my condolences to his family.

The Carson Wentz/Julio Jones show Sunday night pushed Anthony’s team to the top of the also-rans pile, but that ridiculous New England defense score pushed my lead even further, giving me an early 36-pts cushion (or, as we call it in the business, one Mahomes).

At the other end, Mom D is no longer in the cellar, thanks to Joel’s decision to bench Odell Beckham and his 19.73 pts and David Njoku’s untimely demise in Monday night’s football game (zero catches, one concussion).

Remember to set your rosters early, because that exciting Jaguars/Titans match up you’ve been screaming for takes place on Thursday night.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 1 recap

 

Jaguars QB Nick Foles’ broken clavicle is quite possibly the most upsetting sports injury to a non-Eagles player in Philadelphia history, and that’s because deep down many of us still see the 2018 Super Bowl MVP as part of the flock. It was tough to see him in another uniform, but I was hoping to see him succeed and maybe cause me some rooting issues down the line if the two teams ever played. Now he'll spend most of the year on the sideline, and it's not even the Eagles sideline where we're used to seeing him.

But the injury also brings up another painful reality — that for all his magic and QB mastery, Foles’ superpowers seem confined to a Philadelphia-based fan experience. His time with the Rams was awful, his time with the Chiefs was without any relevance, his time in Jacksonville is already off to a terrible start. Even in college, he had good but not great numbers. Compare that to the QB who tied the NFL’s single-game TD record, tied the NFL’s single-game completion record, led the league in passer rating in 2013, and posted one of the greatest Super Bowl performances ever by a QB (including a one-yard TD reception). It doesn’t even feel like the same guy.

So for Nick Foles to succeed, he has to be tied to Philly. And the Eagles have already made their choice to back QB Carson Wentz (who looked great this week, by the way). So there is only one obvious solution to the situation.

We’re gonna need a second NFL team in Philadelphia.

Think about it — the league has been trying to move the Jaguars for years anyways. If any city can support two football teams, it’s the rabid Philly fan base. You think Vegas has better fans than the City of Brotherly Love? If they are getting two, why can’t us? And if you’re worried about having to crawl out of the shadows of the Eagles … I HAVE A FAMILIAR SUPER BOWL MVP RIGHT HERE TO GET YOU ON THE BANDWAGON.

It’s a win-win. Philly gets more football. The Eagles probably have to drop ticket prices to keep fans interested. Nick Foles gets to play at an All-Star level for another 50 years. The Jacksonville fans don't have to feel bad about ignoring football every week. Everyone is happy.

Get on it, Goodell.

 

QB: Lamar Jackson, 43.56 pts — started by me
WR: Sammy Watkins, 35.70 pts — on Joel’s bench
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 35.30 pts — started by Bob
TE: Evan Engram, 17.73 pts — started by Mike
K: Harrison Butker, 17.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: (tie) San Francisco, 28.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: (tie) Tennessee, 28.00 pts — on the wire
D: C.J. Mosley, 13.00 pts — on the wire

Five wideouts recorded at least 100 yds and two TDs this weekend and two more missed the yardage mark by just a catch or two. That meant that even though Eagles WR DeSean Jackson dominated in his return to Philadelphia (Eight catches for 154 yds and two TDs), he wasn’t even in the top two in fantasy scoring at his position. Watkins line of nine catches for 198 yds was more than he accumulated over the last nine weeks of 2018 (six of which he was injured) and his three TDs were the same he had in all of 2018, across 12 regular season and playoff games.

San Francisco’s defense had more TDs (two interceptions returned for scores) than their offense did (one third-quarter TD pass) or Bucs QB Jameis Winston managed (one TD pass to his team, two to the Niners’ secondary). So that’s a way to win a game.


“New QBs” edition

3rd place: Ryan Tannehill, -0.20 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Daniel Jones, -0.32 pts — on the wire
1st place: Josh Rosen, -1.80 pts — on the wire

It’s always sad to see a New Jersey Giants QB on the list of the worst players of the week, but Jones — the eventual replacement for Eli Manning — managed just 17 yds passing, 5 yds rushing and a lost fumble in his debut against the Cowboys. But he’s only just learning to twist his face into dopey shapes like his predecessor, so give him time.

Not to be overlooked on the bad moves of the week, Mike opened up the season starting the Jacksonville defense and their -6.00 pts performance against Watkins and the Chiefs. That’s the lowest score possible for a team defense in this league. He also started an injured kicker along with them, giving him a pretty solid knock for his special teams squad to start off the year.

** The NFL opened on Thursday evening with, naturally, a “special Thursday night edition of Sunday Night Football on NBC,” always one of my favorite stupid football phrases each year. But then during the broadcast, Al Michaels had the audacity to urge viewers to tune back in three days later for “the 2019 debut of Sunday Night Football.”

So, which is it? Was the Thursday night game Sunday Night Football or wasn’t it? They can’t both be the first episode. Make up you mind already on this time-travel word salad.

** Early in Sunday’s Eagles/Maryland Racial Slurs game, Fox analyst Charles Davis wondered if QB Carson Wentz’ decision to skip the pre-season lead to the team’s slow start. “You just have to ask whether he was ready for this, and if that’s why the Eagles are down here,” he said.

Only problem was he said it at the start of the Eagles second possession, with the team down 10-0. I guess Wentz could have worked out more as a defensive back in the pre-season to help the defense play better, but it’s hard to condemn his preparation strategy for not scoring on the very first possession of the year.

Wentz finished with 313 yds and three TDs against no turnovers, so I think it’s pretty safe to say his day was a failure for not having enough of that in the first five minutes.

** With a 35-3 lead in the SECOND QUARTER of the Baltimore/Miami game, the Ravens lined up inside their own 40-yard line for a punt … and decided to pull a fake, rushing 60 yards to set up their sixth touchdown of the game. When asked why a trick play was needed there, coach John Harbaugh said, “That’s what we do. There was a lot of time left in the game.”

For the record, the largest comeback in NFL history was the 32 pts the Bills overcame in the 1993 playoffs. That was before the two-point conversion era, so I guess it’s reasonable to think that anything less than five TDs plus five is an unsafe lead.

With the Patriots demolishing the Steelers on Sunday night, and with WR Antonio Brown set to join New England this week, many NFL fans are bemoaning the idea of another dominant football season for the most insufferable sports city in America. (They probably won’t notice, given that the Red Sox aren’t good this year). But is it possible that adding one of the top wideouts in the league will actually hurt the Patriots’ championship chances? Consider these possibilities:

** The Steelers are actually still paying for part of Brown’s contract this year, so it’s possible he is a double-agent who has gone into New England to bring the team down from the inside.
** It also could be that Brown is certifiably crazy, and his erratic behavior destabilizes the rest of his new locker room.
** Now that QB Tom Brady has arguably the best receiving corps of his career, there’s a chance the team throws more than ever and Brady’s arm falls off in week 7.
** The last time the Patriots essentially stole a Pro-Bowl wideout from the Raiders, they went 16-0 in the regular season but ended up losing the Super Bowl to an NFC East team with a young QB in his fourth year. So …
** Brown likes to wear a lot of gold chains and jewelry, so there is always a chance that extra bit of metal will attract a meteor to wipe out Gillette Stadium.

Or, you know, maybe Brown could get accused of a serious crime and be a gigantic distraction to his new team. But what are the odds of that?


Dallas opened their regular season with star RB returning to the team after a lengthy contract dispute. The time away from the team did not seem to hurt his performance, rushing for 53 yds and one TD. But still unanswered is the question of what Elliott did while he was supposed to be with the Cowboys in the pre-season. Luckily, the answer is easy to see in the words themselves:

Running Back Ezekiel Elliott’s holdout
** Libelous neck-hunting zero killed a tot
** Unintelligent killer hob ate zoo ducks
** Little klutz loins rebuked a cooing hen
** Loser zit ghoul tinkled on a nice tub elk
** Unblocked lionizing leek shot a turtle

Those activities are actually what they do in Cowboys training camp anyway, so I guess the absence didn’t really matter.

** A new year and the same song for me in the weekly picks against Dad. I’m already down two. I feel like every year I have to relearn to never put my faith in an Atlanta sports team. Good luck in the post-season, Braves!

** Houston beat Seattle 21-1 on Sunday. No, that’s not a typo. And yes, the Texans played on Monday night. I’m not sure who the Astros have at QB, but being able to put up TDs in a baseball game is a real advantage.

** I had a whole section on this weekend’s serious shoulder injuries all typed out but it really, really wasn’t funny.

Week 1 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 147.97 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 140.89 pts
3 — 20 Characters or les (Paul), 140.10 pts
4 — Philly Special (Jo), 125.23 pts
5 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 124.36 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 122.54 pts
7 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 104.29 pts
8 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 102.75 pts
9 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 101.32 pts
10 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 97.56 pts
11 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 97.54 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount), 0.00 pts

The good news is that no one was upstaged by Joey McDeadAccount.

Solid work by our returning champ and Paul (whose strategy of constantly changing his team name is one I have adopted in my other league, infuriating the other owners), but I’m happy to see that this season began as it should, with me at the top. Imagine if I had started DeSean Jackson and a defense that got more than zero pts (thanks, Denver!).

Only two teams missed the 100-pts mark this week, and only by a hair (It’s OK, Mom, it’s a long season). We've got three distinct tiers in the standings right now but it’s too early to draw any real conclusions, other than you all have work to do to catch me.

Since it’s a new season, here’s your weekly reminder that the NFL hates you and there is a Thursday night game (or a special Thursday edition of Sunday Night Football’s night football on a Thursday), so get your rosters set. The game is Bucs vs the Panthers, so it’s an easy one to forget about.

Fantasy league 2019 -- preseason predictions

The draft is over, the teams are ready, and your future is already decided. Here’s how the next few months will unfold:

Team: I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount)
Projected Yahoo finish: 12th, 285.46 pts
Real finish: 12th, 0 pts
Just a public FYI here — I really didn’t want anyone’s team to be ruined by drafting Andrew Luck in the first round, so I found a way to stop that. Good old Joey McDeadAccount has a team of keepers that includes Luck, Lamar Miller and other players on the IR for the season, to help keep any of those from slipping through the autodraft system. Amazingly, Yahoo still seems to think that some of these players will return from the grave to score about 300 pts. As always, Yahoo is wrong. But if one of these players happens to turn into a relevant fantasy asset, I’ll cut them loose.

Team: Kneel Armstrong (Sam)
Projected Yahoo finish: 2nd, 2150.11 pts
Real finish: 11th, 1755.43 pts
Another swing and miss by Yahoo. Sam’s squad is dependent on RB Ezekiel Elliott (currently holding out), QB Cam Newton (one play away from major injury), WR Christian Kirk (overrated player on an overrated offense) and RB Derrick Henry (always a disappointment). Plus he has Dak Prescott lurking, and two prominent Cowboys gets you a low ranking in the pre-season projections.

Team: Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel)
Projected Yahoo finish: 10th, 1855.48 pts
Real finish: 10th, 1805.48 pts
Joel’s bid for a third consecutive strong season will apparently take place without any running backs. He only has three on his roster, and only one of them — Kerryon Johnson — is on the same team as last year. Miles Sanders is a rookie, LeSean McCoy just got cut from the Bills. Can Joel win with shaky QB Jameis Winston and a collection of solid receivers? I mean, it didn’t work for the Bucs last year, so…

Team: Peabody and Sherman (Dad)
Projected Yahoo finish: 1st, 2161.96 pts
Real finish: 9th, 1865.56 pts
It’s the all question mark team! Will RB Melvin Gordon play? Will RB Todd Gurley’s arthritic knees hold up? Will RB Marlon Mack survive in an offense without Andrew Luck? Who are all these WRs (DJ Moore, Corey Davis, Sterling Shepard)? How is 727-year-old TE Kyle Rudolph still alive? I’d drop Dad’s projection down lower, but he snagged QB Pat Mahomes, and that alone is enough to keep him out of the bottom spot. Maybe.

Team: SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike)
Projected Yahoo finish: 10th, 1943.33 pts
Real finish: 8th, 1934.44 pts
Something about this team feels off. RBs Saquon Barkley and Chris Carson are a formidable 1-2 punch. QB Matt Ryan and WR Mike Evans are both solid. Maybe the problem is that Mike ended up with three TEs? Or maybe I just hate Leonard Fournette that much and I think his infectious sucking will pull everyone else down. Also, Mike drafted a DE named Lenny Jones, and that was the runner up name for my fake account.

Team: Philly Special (Jo)
Projected Yahoo finish: 3rd, 2074.27 pts
Real finish: 7th, 1999.98 pts
The important thing here is that Joanna put her money where her mouth is — she made sure to snag QB Nick Foles as her top passer because winning matters. I mean, it doesn’t in fantasy, but it does in your heart (unless your heart is playing fantasy). She also boasts two top five wideouts — JuJu Smith-Schuster and DeAndre Hopkins — and the one-and-only TE Zack Ertz. There’s not much to speak about on the RB front, but we’ve seen Foles overcome that before.

Team: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Yahoo finish: 9th, 1952.10 pts
Real finish: 6th, 2001.97 pts
Having RB Nick Chubb and QB Baker Mayfield on the same squad feels like too much Cleveland, but at least the franchise is known for consistent success. WRs Tyreek Hill and Keenan Allen are the best combo west of the Mississippi, and S Clayton Fejedelem has the most fun name now that DT Aziz Shittu is on injured reserve (you didn’t know he was hurt? I Shittu not.) Jeff is probably not going to update his roster for half the season, but at least his baseline starters are solid.

Team: We love the mud (Mom D)
Projected Yahoo finish: 8th, 1986.63 pts
Real finish: 5th, 2051.01 pts
For a team that loves the dirt, there’s a lack of RBs here. David Johnson and Devonta Freeman are solid, but Mom is only sporting one other runner on her squad (Derrius Guice, who has never played a down before). Her WR stable is scary though — Michael Thomas, TY Hilton, Tyler Lockett and Mike Williams could all finish in the top 15, and Marvin Jones and Geronimo Allison could be starters on another team. K Ka'imi Fairbairn and LB Nick Kwiatkoski help her out in the crazy name Olympics but Fejedelem still seems so much more fun…

Team: For Who? For Wentz? (Ant)
Projected Yahoo finish: 7th, 2010.85 pts
Real finish: 4th, 2087.21 pts
Anthony did the perfect coupling of his team name and his roster, grabbing Carson Wentz in the 8th round (for shame, all of you). He has an Amari-Cooper-sized issue at WR, but wideouts Julio Jones and Stefon Diggs should help moderate that. RB Dalvin Cook will be great if he can stay alive past week 3 and RB Duke Johnson is suddenly the top dog in a potent Texans offense. And if he gets in trouble, Ant has Trey Burton on the bench to thrown in for a trick play or two.

Team: McKnown or Never (Capt Awesome)
Projected Yahoo finish: 5th, 2027.95 pts
Real finish: 3rd, 2112.21 pts
Now we’re talking. Three stud RBs — James Conner, Lev Bell and Josh Jacobs — paired with QB Lamar Jackson means I should lead the league in rushing yards. And that’s really what we’re all after here, isn’t it? My wideout trio of Robert Woods, Jarvis Landry and Alshon Jeffery should all be pro-bowlers by year’s end. And I’ll probably cut RB Jordan Howard and WR DeSean Jackson in the first month of the season, because who needs frustrating complimentary Eagles players with so many other solid starters.

Team: Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob)
Projected Yahoo finish: 4th, 2051.85 pts
Real finish: 2nd, 2230.77 pts
Do I like Bob’s team? Or am I just trolling him into another disappointing finish? I think his top three of RB Christian McCaffery, WR Antonio Brown and WR Adam Thielen may be underrated. QB Jared Goff is going to have a lot of TDs. The Chicago Defense is the most reliable thing on the other side of the ball, and WR Dede Westbrook and RB Kenyand Drake coming off the bench will surprise. The only downside is his selection of the dessicated corpse of QB Tom Brady, who we all hope will retire before November.

Team: Ready 4 TACKLEBALL (Paul)
Projected Yahoo finish: 6th, 2017.22 pts
Real finish: 1st, 2255.88 pts
Congrats to Paul on getting my kiss of death — This team looks great. Two solid RBs (Alvin Kamara and Joe Mixon), a top-tier QB (Deshaun Watson), a sneaky WR base (Julian Edelman and Robby Anderson) and two more wild-card players with big potential (Damien Williams and Josh Gordon). Throw QB phenom Kyler Murray on the bench and a few lucky breaks in the back end (I guess Devin Singletary is the starting RB in Buffalo now?) and you have the recipe for success here. Just gotta ditch the loser Dallas kicker.

That's it, folks. The games start on Thursday, so get your affairs in order by then. And in case you need a reminder what you're fighting for, here it is: