Ow! My groin!

I told you it was coming. After absorbing the rage in my post yesterday, they decided to release the full Eagles schedule.... for the preseason. And they added an extra game for da birds to play, increasing the likelihood of a season-ending McNabb injury by 25 percent. And then they stopped by Fort Awesome and kicked me where it counts, just to show me who's in charge.

Lousy pigskin pigs.

And on top of that, since the start of the Super Bowl era no team has played in the Hall of Fame game and won the Super Bowl in the same season.

The 2001 Rams, 1994 Chargers and 1988 Bengals are the only teams to play in both in a season, but all three blew it in the big game.

So the best you can hope for this Eagles season is another Super Bowl loss. Remember, it's never too early to panic.

Here's the full preseason sked for Philly, in case you really care:

Philadelphia vs Oakland at Canton, Aug. 6
Cleveland at Philadelphia, sometime between Aug. 10-14
Philadelphia at Baltimore, sometime between Aug. 17-21
Pittsburgh at Philadelphia, Aug. 25
Philadelphia at NY Jets, sometime between Aug. 31 and Sept. 2

166 days until the Cowpokes lose again

In case you missed it, NFL bigwigs on Monday announced a few of its opening slate of games for the 2006 season. Here's why they suck:

They're opening on Thursday again
You know what Thursdays are for? Showing Boise State football. That's the college team with the blue football field who plays somewhere west of Chicago. You know what Sundays are for? Real football. If it ain't Thanksgiving, the NFL shouldn't be hanging around late in the week.

The Sunday night game is a public health risk
Giants vs. Colts? Manning vs. Manning? Sounds like a hell of a lot of choking to me. Pratice your Heimlich maneuver now.

Dallas is the featured 4:15 game
If I had my way, the Cowboys would play tomorrow so I could watch them lose. Of course, if I had my way the Eagles would have started free agency with all the other teams, instead of waiting two extra weeks. But in my world the Cowboys would not only lose, but also lose in anonimity. The Seahawks win the NFC, the Panthers get to the conference championship, and the NFL decides they want to highlight Drew Bledsoe to start the season. Good call.

There's a 10:15 Monday night game
It's Chargers vs. Raiders, also known as Aaron Brooks vs. Phillip Rivers, so nobody cares. But it'd be nice to have the option anyway. What's the next step? Start Sunday games 60 hours early, on Thursday nights? Oh, wait...

I don't know when the Iggles are playing
Thanks for unvieling only five games, guys. The rest of the schedule comes out in April. Next year, the NFL is only going to announce one of the teams playing in the opening game, and they're going to come to your house and kick you in the groin. That'll show you who's boss.

UCLA is still alive

... which means I'm still alive. In fact, my office pool is down to two people. If UCLA wins it all, I get the cash. If any of the other three teams win, I get bubkiss. (Is that the right spelling? Anyone?)

Which sets me up perfectly. If George Mason and UCLA both win on Saturday, everyone in America will be rooting for the greatest underdog ever and I'll be pulling for the team that needs another championship like I need a hole in my head.

I mean, one besides my word hole.

Do you know your Patriots?

Sure, everyone is excited that the 11th-seeded George Mason made it to the Final Four, but how much do you really know about the little green and white school that could? Take this simple quiz to find out:

1) Tony Skinn: Starting guard or porn star?
2) Ken Burns: Reserve guard or documentary producer?
3) Makan Konate: Backup center or spice in my dinner tonight?
4) True or False: Lamar Butler, the starting guard known for his bruising defensive style, can rearrange the letters in his name to spell "True ball ram."
5) True or False: The height of the five starters for the team is an ominous 66 feet, 6 inches.
6) True or False: Junior guard Charles Makings is majoring in decision sciences.
7) True or False: UConn sucks.

Answer Key:
1) Skinn is their starting guard (though, if the NCAA let him, he could have an after-hours job...)
2) Ken Burns is responsible for that 18 hour documentary on baseball. Tim Burns plays guard for GMU.
3) Konate does play center, and will not be joining me for dinner.
4) False. The letters do spell that, but Butler is a college athlete, so simple word games are beyond him.
5) False. I don't know who their starting five is, so I can't add that up.
6) True. You can't make that up.
7) False. UConn both sucks and blows, just like MegaMaid.

If you answered all seven correctly, you're qualified to jump on the bandwagon and pull for GMU the rest of the way. Of course, if you're a Cowboys or Yankees fan, you're already pre-qualified to jump on any sports bandwagon that rolls by your apartment, you stinkin' front-runner.

College hoops should have bowl games

For the record, I'm still alive in both of my NCAA pools. If UCLA wins it all, I'll be hated by my office but the tab for Draftsgiving Day will be taken care of.

But, did you notice:

-- During the Bradley-Pittsburgh game, the ticker read Brad-Pitt? I didn't, but my dear wife, Col. Quickness McNugget, did.

-- For those of you scoring at home, the various Wildcats in the tourney (six teams, including Nova) are 4-3 so far. The five teams with Eagles as their mascot are only 2-3. The Huskies are 4-0 so far (UConn and Washington are both undefeated) but they'll meet this weekend, so that streak will end soon, thank gawd.

-- Speaking of Villanova, the team hasn't played their best so far. But they haven't trailed for one second of the tournament yet. They've been tied for about two minutes of the 80 minutes they've played, but they haven't been behind once.

-- I can't wait until Rudy Gay makes it to the NBA. I'm totally sure all of the classy pro fans will be mature about his name.

Go Bruins. Beat Gonzaga, wherever the hell that is.

My writing qualifications

In case you're wondering what right I have claiming that I can write at least one funny thing each week, I point you to my freshman year high school California Achievement Test results, which I found while cleaning out some old records recently.


Remember, that's high school. I'm glad it only took my 14 years to master capitalizing proper nouns.

Although i have been feeling dumber lately....

Feeling a little better

Ok, this at least made me smile a little bit. Let me know if you think more should be added.

Who's TO angry at now?

Also, not my creation, but for you 24 fans:

Who's dead to Kim Bauer?

Words fail me

I can't describe how much I hate the Cowboys right now.

I really can't. I'll post more on this later.

QB Damon Huard is no longer available

Since it's not quite early enough for me to be angry with the NCAA tourney (Stupid Pacific! If you're taking it to double OT, win the stinkin' game) Here are a few free agency leftovers:

-- Two years ago, the Dolphins traded a second round pick for QB A.J. Feeley. This week, the Dolphins traded a second-round pick for QB Daunte Culpepper. Looks like somebody down in Miami finally woke up.

-- The Lions, who have used their last three first round draft picks on wide receivers, really did go out this week and sign Texans WR Corey Bradford this week. And yet they still have no on to throw to them (your choices are John Kitna, Joey Harrington, Shaun King, or Dan Orlovsky).

-- For the record, the Maryland Racial Slurs and coach Joe Gibbs have 12 WRs on the roster, 13 if you're still one of those people who thinks James Thrash qualifies as a receiver.

-- I can buy into Jabar Gaffney being a good pickup for the Iggles, but someone has to stop them from talking about TE Matt Schobel as a new boost for the team's offense. Over the last three years he has 63 catches for 726 yards. Last year alone TE LJ Smith had 61 catches for 682 yards. I'm gonna boo every time Schobel takes the field.

-- And finally, since it's inevitable now, I want you to be prepared for what TO's next jersey will most likely look like. Here are the three frontrunners:

Smarch Madness

If any of you kids want in the no-cost, bet-I'm-better-than-you NCAA pool I set up online, here's the info:

http://fantasysports.yahoo.com/
Once you sign up, click on the "home" link and then the "join a group" link.
Pool ID: 81605
Pool Name: Fans of Ursinus College
Pool Password: trotter

As always, you need the free yahoo login, and setup takes a minute or two. Get your picks in by Thursday morning.

Also, if anyone wants to do a fantasy baseball league, let me know. I'll end up setting one up anyway, so you might as well play.

A social quandary

Here at Fort Awesome we're already looking ahead to Draftsgiving Day (more on that later, for those of you who don't celebrate it yet), which would be the 13th party we've had since military operations began here. But this weekend threw an interesting accounting question into that.

A party, as defined by the ancient Sumerians, is any occasion where at least five people are gathered on base and at least one beer is consumed. That's the rule that we've been following for tabulating our partying. Major parties are counted where both Anthony and I pass out before midnight.

This weekend, we had a short visit from Thal and ShannonThal on Friday, and Thal and I had a few drinks to unwind. This, on it's own, would never be considered a party. But as many of you know, the Thal family is expecting a new addition, and fetus Thal was in attendance.

Forget the legal and ethical questions at play here -- Does baby-to-be count in the party calculations? I've checked all the ancient texts I can find (and the 2003 ESPN almanac) and found now answers that can suggest its rightness or wrongosity.

So I need everyone to weigh in on this: Did we already have our 13th party, or did our impromptu get-together not count in the standings? There's a comment section below. To help you make your decision, I've included an artist's rendering of what fetus Thal might look like in a few months. The best argument wins bragging rights and a party at the fort in your honor (number of the party has yet to be determined.)

Football Armageddon

Free agency started last night, and the Eagles need to move quick if they want to establish their place in NFL history.

No, I'm not talking about Super Bowl XLI -- that's already a lost cause. I'm talking about the opportunity to be the first team ever to have two brothers as QBs on their active roster.

Last night, in a moment of weakness, the Hotlanta Falcons allowed third-string QB Ty Detmer to become an unrestricted free agent, giving the Philly birds a chance to take their rightful throne in the annals of NFL trivia. True, the Iggles did already have both boys on the roster at the same time, but Koy was on the practice squad when Ty was there, a sheer mockery of the power of a Detmer reserve QB tandem.

You know Seattle's Matt Hassleback has been lobbying up there to pick up former Philly backup Tim Hassleback so they can get the coveted honor first. Andy Reid would be wise to act quickly.

Think of it: The Eagles line up for the opening kickoff in the first game against the Cowpokes this fall. Bill Parcells scans his gameplan, then looks across the field. He sees two Detmers dressed in hunter green staring at a clipboard, talking to the assistant wide receivers coach. He blinks. He sees it again. He scans his sheets, looking for some logic as to why a team would carry both of them. He finds no answers. He asks his assistants to get an explanation. The Eagles kick off. Parcells is convinced the NFL must have rules against having both Detmers on the field at once. The Cowpokes line up for the first play. Parcells calls time out. He starts screaming to watch out for the Detmers. Jerry Jones forfeits the game.

As if you needed more convincing, just look at the skill the duo would bring.

The boys	Ty	Koy
Years in NFL	14	9
Teams played for	6	1
Games started	25	8
Career QB rating	74.7	61.2
Passing TDs	34	10
INTs	35	14
Rushing TDs	3	1
Rushing yards	177	30

Ty finished third in the Heisman trophy voting in 1991. He also threw seven interceptions as the Lions QB in a game against the Browns in 2001.	Koy threw three TDs in a 1999 game against the Patriots, but left early due to injury. He also threw two TDs and rushed for another in a 2002 game against the 49ers, but left early due to injury.
Ty's family includes wife Kim, children Kaili, Aubri, Mayci and Rylli. They plan to have another child once the family can afford more i's.	Koy's family includes wife Katie, children Koy, Katie and Koal. They plan to have another child once the family can afford more k's.

Really, could Ty be any worse than Mike McMahon?

Salary caps are so happy

Let's briefly review the landscape of American sports since 1990:

-- Greedy owners and players in baseball cancel the final two months of games and the postseason in 1994 because of labor strife, nearly carry that work stoppage over into the 1995 season, then spend the next 11 years juicing up players and ignoring scandal to try and win fans back.

-- Greedy owners and players in basketball cancel half the games in the 1998 season because of labor strife, come back with a soft salary cap that presents no competitive balance in the league, and spend the next eight years letting the three teams win every championship to try and win fans back.

-- Greedy owners and players in hockey cancel half of the 1994 season because of labor strife, cancel all of the 2004 season because of labor strife, and when they finally return have to drop ticket prices and revamp every rule in the book to try and win fans back.

-- Greedy owners and players in football spend part of the 2006 offseason arguing about how they should divide their profits, and delay the start of free agency in 2006 by a few days until they sort it out. The league remains strong, and no fans were lost.

Oh, NFL, where would we be without you?

For your safety

For those of you keeping score at home, here’s where our homeland security sits:

Places I can take my pocketknife (security saw it and said “who cares?”)
-- The White House, D.C.
-- The Pentagon, Va.
-- The United Nations headquarters, N.Y.
-- The Supreme Court, D.C. (New addition this week!)


Places I can’t (security deemed it a threat and refused entry)
-- Montgomery County Courthouse, Pa.
-- Columbus City Courthouse, Ohio
-- Baltimore/Washington International Airport, Md.
-- U.S. District Court Columbus, Ohio

Remember, even if it's safe enough for the military, that doesn't mean that it's safe enough for Montgomery County's passport office.

Duke loses three times in one night!

I don’t know if you caught it on Saturday, but ESPN decided that the Duke-UNC game was such an epic contest they needed to show it on three networks. ESPN1 had the game as you would expect; ESPN2 had the exact same audio feed but with camera angles from above the backboard; ESPNU had the exact same audio feed but had cameras focused on the fans.

And, just for good measure, ESPNnews was giving updates, if you couldn’t follow what the other channels were telling you.

At halftime, everyone in America appeared on a halftime show to comment on how awesome the blue-on-blue violence was. Over on ESPNDesportes, I saw myself breaking down J.J. Redick’s shot selection. I didn’t know what I was talking about, but I just yelled “GAOOOOOOL!!!” after every basket. The station’s seven viewers ate it up.

I don’t want to tell ESPN how to run their business (execute Joe Theismann now, before he makes our nation’s youth any dumber) but I’ve got to think that just about anything else they put on ESPN2 would get better ratings. How many folks were flipping channels and said, “I’m not interested in that game, but if I could watch it from directly above …”?

By the way, guys, the number four team in the country, Memphis, was playing at the same time. Maybe some of us have doctor’s orders not to listen to Dick Vitale for long periods. Help me out a little here.

Technical difficulties

If you check out the comments for last Tuesday's post, you'll find a completely nonsensical response by me to kidsmartypants, our resident paintball target. I meant to reply to his Draftsgiving day comment to the Super Bowl odds and ends, but I'm experiencing some technical (OK, mental) difficulties. But it reads alot funnier with the accidental post, so I'm keeping it that way. Because isn't that why we're here?