And yet, given the cancellation of most of college football, the delayed start for the next NBA and NHL season, and baseball’s consistent floundering, this fall offers the NFL the opportunity to ram Thursday and Friday and Saturday contests down our throats. And if there is money to be made, you know the NFL is going for it. And that means so are we.
Folks, welcome to fantasy football in the age of coronavirus. Even a global pandemic can’t take the shine off the Awesome Cup, and so we’ll forge ahead into the uncertain future. Here are some of the preparations we’re taking this year to try and deal with potential chaos in the months ahead:
** Each team will have an extra bench spot and an extra IR spot — Since we don’t know how many players may be sidelined by coronavirus this season, it makes sense to give all teams a little more flexibility for backups and emergency fill-ins. Will the larger teams mean fewer trades and thinner waiver wires? Yes. Will Dad still complain that he can’t keep all the players he wants? Yes. Will this make Raiders WR Nelson Agholor more valuable to have on your team, since he has shown he can’t catch anything, even communicable diseases? No.
** League dues will be collected at the end of the season — Given the uncertainty of whether the full season can be played, it doesn’t make sense to have you all pay in money now and have to return it if everything goes belly up. So I’ll contact you at the end of the year for payment instead of our usual August dues. Also, dues will be doubled from last season to cover additional costs related to the coronavirus. As a reminder, dues were $0.00 in 2019.
** Every team will need to come up with a good name this year — The stadiums are going to look weird without fans (except in DC, where they’re been playing without fans for years). But if we can’t be there cheering in person, we can at least be enthusiastic athletic supporters. And that starts with a funny, distracting, inspiring team name. No “COVID sucks” or “sick of being sick” or “Dak Prescott deserves more respect.” I want to see top level puns and creative disrespect for professional players. For the love of gawd, Gronk is back. His old bones alone should be fodder for three or four good names.
** All owners will be required to wear masks when setting rosters — Ideally, owners will also maintain six feet of distance between themselves and their computers when checking teams. However, since that is not always practical, we’re mandating masks any time you enter league facilities or meet with players. This is both for your safety and theirs. Think about it: How will you feel if RB Miles Sanders can’t play in week 5 because you got him sick while moving him from your flex spot to a starting role? Terrible, that’s how.
** If the season is cancelled midway, the Awesome Cup still will be awarded — In preparation for such a tragedy, this summer I purchased (at great personal cost) a state-of-the-art sports simulation machine that can accurately predict the exact stats for every player in the league. For example, I submitted all of QB Carson Wentz’ vitals for last season, and the machine predicted he would throw for exactly 4,039 yards and 27 TDs despite losing his entire receiving corps. Amazing what the technology can do. I won’t use the program to influence my draft strategy — that would be cheating, after all — but if the season gets cancelled, I’ll use it to fill in the missing weeks to see who would have earned the Awesome Cup title for this year.
Get ready, folks. We’ll have the official draft order announcement later this week and the draft right around Labor Day. First game is set for Sept. 10 at, I dunno, probably 3:17 pm because that would make it the hardest for fans to watch. Grab your masks and seatbelts, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
