2011 fantasy recap, week 7

For those of you keeping score at home.

** Chris Redman (Falcons)
Zero for 1, zero yards, 39.6 rating
** Michael Spurlock (Bucs)
Zero for 1, zero yards, 39.6 rating
** You (No team)
Zero for 1, zero yards, 39.6 rating
** Matt Hasselbeck (Titans)
14 for 30, 104 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs, 38.8 rating
** Curtis Painter (Colts)
9 for 17, 67 yards, 1 INT, 38.1 rating
** Charlie Whitehurst (Seahawks)
12 for 30, 97 yards, 1 INT, 25.0 rating
** Kyle Boller (Raiders)
7 of 14, 61 yards, 3 INTs, 22.3 rating
** Carson Palmer (Raiders)
8 of 21, 116 yards, three INTs, 17.3 rating

For the record, you were also better on Sunday than Eli Manning, who used the bye week to pratice his interception face.

QB: Drew Brees, 43.00 pts -- started by Joel
RB: Arian Foster, 42.43 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Marques Colston, 25.53 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Jimmy Graham, 21.60 pts -- started by Paul
K: Mason Crosby, 18.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: Kansas City, 40.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Donald Butler, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Coming into this week, we only saw three players top 40 points all season. This week, we had three more, including a unheard of 40-point defensive performance, the best in fantasy football history (note: probably not, but I'm not fact-checking that.) Foster nearly doubled his fantasy output for the year on Sunday (107 pts total now). RB Chris Johnson? He still stinks.

"Those terrible QBs" edition
3rd place: Curtis Painter, -0.22 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Kyle Boller, -0.66 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Carson Palmer, -1.36 pts -- on the wire

I know I already made fun of Palmer and Boller, but I really can't exaggerate that just how bad they were in Oakland's 28-0 loss on Sunday to Kansas City. And it gives me a chance to pull out one of my favorite stats: The Reverse QB rating.

Assume, if you will, that these guys were actually playing for the Chiefs instead of the Raiders. Both threw an INT returned for a TD. Both completed multiple passes to the KC defense. So, if we run their numbers backwards, here's what their QB rating looks like:

Palmer (as a Raider)
8 of 21, 116 yards, three INTs, 17.3 rating
Palmer (as a Chief)
3 of 21, 60 yards, 1 TD, 8 INTs, 15.8 rating
Boller (as a Raider)
7 of 14, 61 yards, 3 INTs, 22.3 rating
Boller (as a Chief)
3 of 14, 51 yards, 1 TD, 7 INTs, 26.4 rating

Just awful, any way you cut it.

We're not even halfway through the season, and already it's very clear who should win the NFL MVP this year: Colts QB Peyton Manning. Sure, he has't played a single down this season, but consider how awful Indianapolis has been without him:

2010: 381 yards of offense per game
2011: 280 yards of offense per game

2010: 27.2 points scored per game
2011: 15.9 points scored per game

2010: Defense on the field 30:30 per game
2011: Defense on the field 35:36 per game

2010: 45 percent 3rd down conversion rate
2011: 36 percent 3rd down conversion rate

And the most telling stat? Last year, after seven games, the Colts were 5-2. This year? 0-7, with nary a win in sight.

Normally I just like to highlight mis-speaks and idicotic statements here, but I need to take a little different approach this week. On Oct. 14, football analyst Matt Millen, who put together the worst team in NFL history when he was GM of the Lions, had this to say about Detroit's recent sports success:

"I think it's awesome. I think it's fantastic. I'm especially happy for those fans -- they deserve it. They've been waiting for this for decades."

Since those comments, the Lions -- who were undefeated at that point in the season -- have lost two games in a row in which they were favored, and the Detroit Tigers were eliminated from the MLB playoffs.

When will we as Americans recognize that every time Matt Millen speaks, it causes irreparable damage to the city of Detroit? Haven't they suffered enough?

** Since QB Mike Vick joined the Eagles, the team has gone 1-4 against the Cowboys, and has been outscored by 46 points total in those contests.

** In games where Vick has appeared against the Cowboys, including his time in Atlanta, Vick is a mediocre 2-3 against the Cowboys.

** In their last five prime-time games against Dallas, the Eagles are 1-4.

** Sunday's Eagles-Cowboys game is in Philly. In their last five games at home, the Eagles are 0-5.

** The Cowboys last week rushed for 298 yards against the Rams, a team that coming into the game was giving up 4.8 yards per carry to opponents. The Eagles rush defense? It's currently giving up 4.8 yards per carry to opponents.

Maybe setting expectations lower will make next Sunday less painful.

Cowboys rookie DeMarco Murray burst onto the NFL scene this weekend with an impressive 253-yard performance against St. Louis on Sunday (which, since it was against the 0-7 Rams, only counts as 87 yards). Murray was a college star at Oklahoma, but not much has been known about what kind of pro player he'll be. Of course, when we look at his name ...

Dallas rookie RB DeMarco Murray
A armored-abs crook. I'll murder ya.

... we can see that on top of being pure evil, Murray is also grammatically challenged. We use "an" when the next word starts with a vowel, Mr. Murray. Think about that during your next killing spree.

Week 7 standings

Paul could have used that 40-point KC defense this week: Instead, he decided to start the Bengals D, even though they were on a bye. Normally, that'd be enough to earn you a spot of ridicule in this column, but Joel one-upped him by starting three players on a bye. If you take his QB out of the mix (Brees), he had 11 other players score a breathtaking 46 points. Around here, we call that kind of failure "Andy Reid" coaching.

What's Anthony doing near the top again?

** I'm now only two back on Dad in the weekly picks, but I'm 3-4 in my other fantasy league (where money is involved). I lost this week by 0.9 pts, thanks to the last-minute FG put up by the Jags against the Ravens D. If anyone knows friends in the NFL stats department, let me know if you can get an extra sack added to Baltimore's total, and I'll be back in business.

** World Series update, game six: I still don't care.

** Following up on the RB Jerome Harrison trade from last week: I'm glad his pre-trade physical found his potentially life-threatening brain tumor early enough for him to get treatment, and I understand he won't be playing at all this year. All I'm saying is, I'd still rather have him on the roster now than RB Ronnie Brown.

** Since I feel like most of this post was doom and gloom this week, here's something to cheer you up.

2011 fantasy recap, week 6

You don't have to be a genius to see that this weekend's big game means some exciting playoff football is headed to Philly this season.

Sure, the offense was quieter than usual, but the defense was inspired. What impressed me the most was the steady coaching we saw throughout the game, which is important when you're looking at all the new faces on the team over the last two years.

There's no question in my mind that this team will be dangerous for the rest of the year, and has a legitimate shot at going deep into the post-season.

So, congrats to the Philadelphia Union, for clinching their first playoff berth in just their second season. Maybe you can inspire some other football teams in this city to overachieve for once.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 29.90 pts -- started by Bobert
RB: Ahmad Bradshaw, 32.13 pts -- started by NewMike
WR: Devin Hester, 25.75 pts -- on the wire
TE: Brandon Pettigrew, 16.80 pts -- started by Joel
K: Billy Cundiff, 20.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: NY Jets, 26.00 pts -- started by Ant
D: Aldon Smith, 14.50 pts -- on the wire

Listening to the local Ravens broadcast on Sunday, the commentators were talking about how reliable Cundiff has been on FGs and kickoffs, going so far as to call him "Weapon X" for the team. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure Brian Dawkins hunted each of them down after the game and murdered them viciously. Not out of anger, of course. Just to illustrate a point.


3rd place: Matthew Slater, -1.56 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Vince Young, -1.80 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Rex Grossman, -2.28 pts -- on the wire

Nice work, "Dream Team" Young. Really appreciate your contributions here.

And while Sexy Rexy was worth negative points, it should be noted that his leading receiver on the day -- Eagles S Kurt Coleman -- was worth 10 pts (Three INTs, five tackles). So, he's got that going for him as he rides the bench next week.

Here's everything you need to know about the MLB championship this year:

1 ~ The St. Louis Cardinals have the second most World Series titles in history (10), behind only the Yankees.

2 ~ The Texas Rangers fan base is made up mostly of Dallas Cowboys fans.

So there you go: It's the poor-man's Yankees vs. the Dallas Cowboys B-team. To get a worse match-up, you'd have to find a way to get the Red Sox and the real Yankees to play in the finals. Don't worry, MLB is already working on that.

So, let me get this straight:

Last season, the Eagles signed RB Mike Bell, decided he couldn't play, and traded him to the Browns for RB Jerome Harrison.

Then they cut Harrison.

This season, the Eagles signed RB Ronnie Brown, decided he couldn't play, and traded him to the Lions for RB Jerome Harrison (and a draft pick).

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that Harrison won't be around next May. But he may be around again next October.

Here's what the Eagles have scheduled for their off week next Sunday:

** CB Nnamdi Asomugha: Re-learning how to tackle
** CB Asante Samuel: Watching Asomugha relearn how to tackle
** QB Mike Vick: Getting injured rolling out of bed
** FB Owen Schmitt: Trying to remember if he's still on the team
** WR Steve Smith: Checking if the Giants need another wideout
** QB Vince Young: Sucking. Just more sucking.

The Cowboys offense took a lot of heat this week for playing conservatively in the second half, taking a slim late lead and ultimately losing to the Patriots in a tight contest. But the defensive players saw the failure coming from a mile away. Consider the Cowboys' second leading tackler on the day:

Cowboys Dallas defensive tackle Jay Ratliff
** Bovines' jiffy attack eased, cowed rally falls

Too forced for you? How about their linebacking corps then?

Cowboys linebacker Victor Butler
Brave lot? Incorrect, I lobby. We suck. Boo.

Too much? How about the secondary?

Dallas CB Abram Elam
Scab alarm: Me all bad.

That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Week 6 standings

Everyone scored at least 100 pts this week, no one left more than 15 pts on their bench, no one started a player on a bye. C'mon, people. Give me something to write about.

And, yes, Jeff and Joel, I realized I reversed your names up there. But you're too far down in the standings and I'm too lazy tonight to fix it.

** Picked up one game on Dad this week by correctly predicting that the Eagles would win. I also incorrectly picked the Lions, making me 0-6 in predicting their games this season. Between that and the Tigers loss, no one is more disappointed in the state of Detroit sports this week than me. No one.

** Will Smith (no, not Saints DE Will Smith. The other one) is now part-owner of the Philadelphia 76ers. I don't have a joke here, but I have been singing "Getting jiggy wit it" all day.

** I was in Vegas this weekend (seriously) and on Saturday I made a $5 bet that the Eagles would win the Super Bowl (seriously). It's 35 to 1 odds, so if the impossible happens in February, I'll be celebrating with $175 extra in my pocket. Of course, I still have no faith in this team, but at least I've found a way to make myself root for them every Sunday.

2011 fantasy recap, week 5

The NFL season began 33 days ago, and the Eagles have one win.

The NHL season began six days ago, and the Flyers have two wins.

Just saying.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 37.12 pts -- on Sam's bench
RB: Adrian Peterson, 30.20 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Dwayne Bowe, 27.53 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Joel Dreessen, 19.47 -- on the wire
K: Sebastian Janikowski, 20.00 pts -- started by NewMike
DEF: Seattle, 26.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Brandon Browner, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

Everyone who had Seattle beating up the Giants this week, raise your hands. OK, you relentlessly optimistic Seahawks fans out there can put your hands down now.

The Eagles may have managed five turnovers as a team, but New Jersey QB Eli Manning had a fumble and three picks, including the game-clinching 94-yard INT return for a TD. It was the Seahawks first win against the Giants on the East Coast in 28 years. Back then, Eli was only two-year-old, but already had developed those vacant, soulless eyes.

"Across the board" edition
3rd place: Michael Robinson, -1.50 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Arnaz Battle, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Tampa Bay, -4.00 pts -- on the wire

And if you had Tampa Bay giving up 48 pts to the San Franciso 49ers this week, I'd like your guesses at the lottery numbers for the rest of the week.

Forget for a moment that the Phillies loss on Friday ruined the best regular season in team history -- was the game itself more or less painful to watch than the Eagles debacle on Sunday? Consider these lowlights:

Eagles: 1st Q, Mike Vick tosses two INTs
Phillies: Bottom 1st, Hunter Pence grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 2nd Q, Vick botches a FG chance with horrible clock work
Phillies: Bottom 3rd, Jimmy Rollins grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 3rd Q, Bills RB Fred Jackson opens the Q with a 22-yard run
Phillies: Bottom 5th, Roy Halladay grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 4th Q, WR Jason Avant has his second turnover of the game
Phillies: Bottom 7th, Raul Ibanez grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 4th Q, DE Juqua Parker jumps offsides, ending the game
Phillies: Bottom 9th, Ryan Howard grounds out to end the game, injures his leg

16 ground ball outs for the Phillies, and 23 positive rushes for the Bills. Either way, it was like water torture.

During Saturday's Virginia Tech/Miami game, the announcers were analyzing a long run by the Hokies' QB when I hear them say this:

"The 3rd string tight end with the spectacular name George George had a key block which opened up that whole play."

Look, I know I joked about naming my kid "Shane Shane" for a number of years, but I didn't actually follow through with it, because that'd be cruel. Think of all the grief you'd get on standardized tests. Think of the trouble at the DMV. What if the kid grows up and develops a stuttering problem?

No way this can be real, right? I assumed it must be a nickname or middle name or something, so I looked up his bio. Turns out the facts are even worse: Dude is George George III, meaning that no only did his father and grandfather live through this nightmare, but they felt the need to pass it on to the next generation.

At 1-4, the Eagles are one of the worst teams in the league (tied with Jacksonville, Carolina, Arizona, Minnesota and Denver), but they aren't the bottom of the barrel yet. Here's a look at the contenders for that title:

** St. Louis Rams (0-4)
WHY: Tough early sked plus injuries to RB Jackson equal zero wins
POINT DIFF: -67
HOPEFUL SIGN: Still only 3 games out of first in the weak NFC West
REALITY: Of their last 12 games, 8 are against potential playoff teams

** Miami Dolphins (0-4)
WHY: Lost starting QB Chad Henne, forgot to field a defense
POINT DIFF: -35
HOPEFUL SIGN: All of their games have been close, despite their record
REALITY: They still play in the AFC East. That's 6 losses for sure.

** Indianapolis Colts (0-5)
WHY: QB Peyton Manning's neck fell off
POINT DIFF: -49
HOPEFUL SIGN: Manning isn't dead, so he'll be back someday
REALITY: Manning doesn't play defense, so he only fixes half the issue

The Cowboys didn't play this week, but their hatred of all things good takes no vacation. Just look at what their break time spells out:

Dallas Cowboys annual bye week plans
Dopey weasels sock a baby, welp a nun, dally on

As if punching the baby wasn't enough evil.

Week 5 standings


Yeah, we're all getting sick of NewMike right now. On the plus side, my team is looking pretty good. I know that encourages all of you.

** Dropped two more to Dad, now I'm four back in the standings. Which means I'm even behind where the Eagles are in the standings. I don't care what the league says, I still don't believe the Lions are 5-0.

** I was going to make a Brett Farve birthday joke here, but I just don't think I have it in me.

** I'm fooling around with the comments on these posts, after finding out that blogger is having some problems allowing responses. So, for the none of you who've wanted to leave a comment, you should be able to do so now.

** Right now, it's better to be a Detroit sports fan than a Philadelphia sports fan. Just writing that made me throw up in my mouth a little.

2011 fantasy recap, week 4

The Phillies 11-6 win Saturday was significant not just because it started off their post-season in style but also because it broke up an otherwise dreadful weekend for anyone associated with Philadelphia sports. Consider:

-- The Eagles lost a 24-23 disaster to the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday.
-- The Phillies lost 5-4 Sunday night in a game where they led 4-0.
-- Temple was upset by Toledo, 36-13, on Saturday.
-- Villanova was upset by William and Mary, 20-16, on Saturday.
-- The Flyers lost their final pre-season game, 2-1 to the Devils, on Saturday.
-- Former Philadelphia QBs Donovan McNabb (Vikings), Kevin Kolb (Cardinals), and A.J. Feeley (Rams) all lost on Sunday as well.
-- The Philadelphia Union didn’t lose on Sunday, but they didn’t win either -- they had a 1-1 draw.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 53.92 pts -- started by Bob
RB: Matt Forte, 32.03 pts -- started by Dad
WR: Hakeem Nicks, 26.80 pts -- started by Bob
TE: Jimmie Graham, 24.80 pts -- started by Paul
K: Ryan Succop, 21.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 34.00 pts -- started by Jim
D: Chris Houston, 11.00 pts -- on the wire

Bob benefits from Rodgers' ridiculous week: 6 total TDs, 400-plus yards passing. That's the highest individual fantasy total since last year's 57.32 pts performance by Eagles QB Mike Vick, when he had 6 total TDs and over 400 yards of offense. Near as I can tell, that Vick game was the highest individual fantasy total game of the last 20 years (at least by our league's scoring). And, if you remember, I had Vick on my bench that week. But I'm not still bitter about it.

For the record, the Baltimore defense outscored the Baltimore offense 21-13 on Sunday night. Their three defensive TDs also were better than the point totals for 11 other teams on the weekend.

"Terrible QBs" edition
3rd place: Chad Henne, -0.82 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Matt Flynn, -2.20 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Mark Sanchez, -2.44 pts -- on my bench

Those three Baltimore defensive TDs? They came off of four Sanchez turnovers. The only reason he wasn't worth fewer points was because he got an extra half-point for a tackle after his third fumble of the night.

Speaking of substandard QB work, coach of the week honors go to Sam, who at the last moment on Sunday opted to start Pittsburgh's Ben Rothelisberger over Arizona's Kevin Kolb. The plan worked perfectly -- Corn Kolb was worth a mere 5.58 pts, while Big Ben scored a much more impressive 7.34 pts. Sam was so proud of that move, he asked me to specifically sing his praises in this week's recap. He currently sits almost 94 pts out of first place.

** Through four games, the Jacksonville Jaguars have scored three TDs. The Green Bay Packers have 19.

** The Pittsburgh Steelers are -10 in turnovers this year, but 2-2 in the standings. The Minnesota Vikings are even in turnovers and 0-4.

** Patriots QB Tom Brady (1,559 passing yards) is still on pace for over 6,200 passing yards this season.

** The Denver Broncos longest FG of the year so far is 34 yards. The Oakland Raiders longest FG is 63 yards.

It’s hard imagine that any part of that Eagles/49ers game could be dumber than the plays on the field (Stop handing the ball to RB Ronnie Brown inside the 10. Please), but Fox analyst Jim Mora Jr. was up to the task.

With the Eagles facing a third and one in the third, he remarked that the first-down line was actually much closer. And he astutely observed that the difference would also effect the play call:

“You might not realize this at home, but to coaches there’s a big difference between 6 inches and a yard.”

Now, to me there’s no recognizable difference between 36 inches and 6 inches, but I decided to test Mora’s hypothesis. I took a 6-inch pencil and a yardstick, laid them side by side, then stuck them both in my ear. The pencil jabbed me a little but fit in. The yardstick went pretty far in, and then everything went black, and then I couldn’t hear Mora speaking anymore. So I guess there was a difference.

For the record, the next comment Mora made was about how the 49ers didn’t have enough time to overcome a nine-point deficit, even though they had just scored 14 points in five minutes and the Eagles were only up six.

The NFL always has its finger on the pulse of its fans, so it comes as no surprise that their pick for the 2012 Super Bowl Halftime show is another cutting-edge artist they know and love: Madonna. For those of you unfamiliar with her work, here's a look at some of her career highlights and other notable football moments:

1983 -- Madonna scores her first #1 hit
1983 -- Steelers QB Terry Bradshaw retires

1986 -- Madonna releases "Papa don't preach"
1986 -- Texans RB Arian Foster is born

1989 -- Madonna's controverisal "Like a prayer" video debuts
1989 -- The Cowboys draft QB Troy Aikman

1992 -- Madonna releases her graphic "Sex" book
1992 -- Eagles WR Jeremy Maclin enters kindergarten.

1996 -- Madonna stars in the movie "Evita"
1996 -- The Cleveland Browns move to Baltimore

2001 -- Madonna pens the theme for the latest James Bond movie
2001 -- Cowboys QB Troy Aikman retires

2002 to present -- Patriots win 3 Super Bowls (and lose a 4th)
2002 to present -- Madonna does nothing of consequence

In case you didn't get the joke, she's old.

Sure, the Cowboys lost again on Sunday, but new WR Laurent Robinson had an impressive 8-catch, 116-yard debut for the team. The former Illinois State player could be a major part in righting the ship in the absence of several other WRs. But fans shouldn’t get their hopes up yet -- just look what his name spells out:

Dallas Cowboys wideout Laurent Robinson
Reliable corn dud touts no wins. Always boo.

I know Illinois State is kinda rural, but “corn dud” just seems unnecessary.

Week 4 standings

Nice work all around this week -- everyone scored over 100 pts. But what's Anthony doing up at the top?

** Dad and I split our picks this week, so he's still up two. And, for the record, I picked McNabb to win again this week, and I was wrong again this week.

** Delaware lost this weekend too, to the Maine Black Bears, but I didn't know if I could include them in the "Philadelphia losses" category. I mean, I think all of Delaware is just a Philadelphia suburb, but some folks take offense to that.

** As I was writing this, the Phils won game three by a 3-2 tally. So, forget all those negative things I said at the top. It's all good.