Fantasy football 2023 -- week 16 recap

Gather round, friends

For a story of Christmas
Which over the years
Has become quite a mess

Our sad tale begins
Back in 1-9-6-8
When the NFL season
Was not going great

The Birds’ record was bad
The fans shared their boos
And the team’s home finale
Brought just more bad news

Another sad turnover
Just at the half
Left the Philly crowd
With nary a laugh

As the team hit the locker
Out came the floor show
Would they boost the fans’ spirits?
With this lineup, no.

For amid the performers
Was a sinister creep
Who entered fans' houses
While they were asleep

Is it normal for men
To steal cookies and milk?
To climb through the chimney?
To wear a red suit of silk?

His dead eyes ablaze
And a wind hard ablow
He ran on the field
To spread his weird woe

So what could the fans do
To stop his crazed folly
They scooped up some snow
And let loose a volley

Their shower of snowballs
Stopped Santa fraud
And the good folks of Philly
All stood to applaud

But was their deed lauded
By the world all about?
Of course not, you know
Beyond a shadow of doubt

Their bravery was twisted
By sick, rival fans
Who spread wicked lies
Across all the land

“They tried to hurt Santa!”
The story became
And year after year
The falsehood remained

This Christmas remember
The heroes of Philly
And the brave deeds they did
Just ignore all the silly.

When folks ask if you
Back the birds, just say yes.
And proudly proclaim
E-A-G-L-E-S.

QB: Derek Carr, 30.96 pts — on Mike’s bench
WR: Amari Cooper, 37.17 pts — started by Sam
RB: Breece Hall, 33.90 pts — started by Bob
TE: Chigoziem Okonkwo, 13.20 pts — started by Ant
K: Jason Sanders, 22.00 pts — started by Mike
DEF: Las Vegas, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Adoree' Jackson, 11.00 pts — on the wire

The Raiders defense scored 14 points in the team’s 20-14 win over the Chiefs this week. That means their offense failed to score a TD for the second time in the last three weeks, and they are 2-1 over that stretch. The NFL continues to make zero sense.

Cooper, who has had four different QBs starting for his team this season, had a six-game stretch in November/December where he totaled 398 yds and one TD. Over his last two games, he has 374 yds and three TDs, including his 265 yds on Sunday to eliminate me from one of my paid fantasy leagues. I guess I should have figured he’d take off as soon as he had 87-year-old Joe Flacco throwing to him..

Breece Hall’s fantasy season so far: Three games over 22 fantasy pts, three games under 3.5 fantasy points. Just buckle up and hope you get lucky when you need him, I guess.


“Incompetent players” edition

4th place: Boston Scott, -1.40 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Case Keenum, -1.52 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Sam Howell, -1.76 pts — on Mom D’s bench
1st place: Deonte Harty, -1.78 pts — on the wire

It’s really, really hard to end up in negative fantasy points territory as a starting QB. Both Howell and Keenum outdid themselves, each passing for fewer than 70 yds and throwing a pair of picks. Of course, Keenum was a last-minute fill-in to cover for an injured CJ Stroud. Howell? The Commanders have advertised him as the future of their franchise. His last five starts have resulted in an average of 168 yds a game passing with two TDs and eight INTs. Might want to re-evaluate the future.

Boston Scott is so bad that he can’t even find a way to fail right. I had to add another place to my biggest losers list just to include him here.


** Speaking of that awful Commanders game, the folks on ESPN radio in their pregame show previewed it as one of the toughest games of the year to watch, given that both the Jets and Commanders had already been eliminated from the playoffs. They turned to former coach Tony Dungy just before kickoff for “reasons to watch” the contest, and he did not disappoint.

“Well, one of these teams has to win,” he said. “I mean, unless they tie. Then I guess they don’t.”

Truly, that’s the kind of insight you can only get from someone who has been on the sidelines before.

** In Monday’s matchup between the Nuggets and Warriors, F Nikola Jokic went 18-18 from the free-throw line in his team’s 120-114 victory. According to ESPN, that’s “an NBA record for free throw made in a game without a miss on Christmas.”

No, it’s not. That is not a record. Shots made on Christmas is not something that the NBA or anyone in their right mind keeps track of. Records are things like “points in a game” or “wins in a season” and not “most free throws without a miss made by a player whose last name starts with J on a winter holiday.”

FYI, this week I tied the record for blogs posted on this website on the day after Christmas, with one.

** I thought there was not a Monday night game this week, but there is. It’s just on Saturday. The Cowboys/Lions game will be a Monday Night Football special on Saturday night with no actual Monday Night game on Monday and that will never, ever not be stupid.

The Lions clinched the NFC North title this week, the first time they’ve won the division since it was reconstituted and their first division title of any sort since 1993. Here’s a quick look at exactly how long ago that was:

** Only four players on their current roster were born the last time the Lions won their division. The oldest one, Long Snapper Jake McQuaide, was in kindergarten.

** The Houston Texans, Jacksonville Jaguars, Baltimore Ravens and Carolina Panthers did not exist yet.

** QB Peyton Manning had not played a single down of college football yet.

** OJ Simpson was still a commentator for NBC.

** The Dallas Cowboys won the Super Bowl and were still a relevant franchise.

Even Cowboys players, as evil as they are, aren’t immune from the Christmas spirit. They just manifest it in different, horrible ways. Just look at the freakish, festive messages their names spell out:

Dallas Cornerback Noah Igbinoghene
** Ho, ho, be nice or gangs call and break in

Dallas Cornerback Nahshon Wright
** Ho, ho, Santa chews garland. Brr, clink!

Cowboys Defensive Lineman Johnathan Hankins
** Ho ho I beat janky snowmen, elves, fans in hind can
.
Make sure to leave an extra cookie out for Santa Cowboy next Christmas Eve. And then remember to eat it before you go to bed, because you do not want Jerry Jones in a red suit breaking into your house at night.

** During the Georgia Tech/UCF bowl game, a fan in the stands was shown with a shirt that read “I just hope both teams have fun” and honestly that’s the best explanation for why there are 200 college bowl games.

** Great week for Dad, who went 4-2 in our weekly picks (cutting his deficit to 12 for the year) and soundly thumped me in the Garrity family league. Once again, I outscored every team except for the one I was playing, and that’s why I’ll end up without the championship trophy.

** I’m just saying, if ESPN.com decided to make the teaser on the Philly game “Hurts scores a Christmas TD in Eagles win” on its website, they should be obligated to make the next headline “Pacheco suffers a Christmas concussion in Chiefs loss” and not omit the holiday from that one.


Week 16 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1990.00 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1963.84 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Pop), 1938.37 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1900.34 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt Awesome), 1889.45 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1825.49 pts
7 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1811.93 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1762.78 pts
9 — The Muppets Fantasy Football (Paul), 1669.77 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1561.65 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1549.60 pts
12 — Jabronis (Ant), 1527.13 pts

Jonathan maintains his hold on first place, but his grandmother is lurking close behind. With two weeks left, it may be hard for anyone else to catch those two and challenge for the title, but that’s why we play the games.

I’d watch the Muppets Fantasy Football movie, but not Paul’s team — he’s mired in 9th place, and could still be caught by Jeff if his hot streak continues. Ant needs to rally to stay out of the basement. And Bob is caught in 8th, which is an improvement over last year and respectable for his dedication.

All of the actual Monday night football games are done for the season, but we still have a Thursday night game somehow? And there is a late game on New Year’s Eve. The NFL needs you to watch up to the very, very end of the year, I guess. Just keep an eye on those rosters.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 15 recap

You may think that your Christmas tree is already trimmed and decorated, but here are a few last-minute NFL additions that will make your house merry and bright:

** Josh Allen ornament, $15.95
The best part isn’t the “OH MY JOSH” phrase that every Christmas tree needs. It’s the fact that the Bills signal caller is looking down, so you can’t even see his face.

** Football helmet ornament, $12.99
The helmet comes with the phrase “can tackle anything” and can be customized with any team logo you want except for the Carolina Panthers, for obvious reasons.

** Patrick Mahomes ornament, $13.95
When it comes to Christmas decorations, all of us should go big or Mahomes, as the ornament says.

** Michael Oher ornament, $7.80
Sadly, the former offensive lineman does not get any royalties for sales of these decorations.

** Bouncing buddy Patriots ornament, $15.91
It’s the perfect gift for any NFL fan, since it shows a nameless, faceless New England player and no one in America can name anyone on the shell of a team anymore.

** Troy Aikman 1996 keepsake ornament, $24.89
Hang this by your stockings to remember the last time the Cowboys were relevant in the playoffs.

QB: Jared Goff, 41.12 pts — started by Jo
WR: Jordan Addison, 22.40 pts — started by Sam
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 36.80 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Sam LaPorta, 24.23 pts — started by Mom D
K: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Miami, 29.00 pts — started by Jonathan
D: Bradley Chubb, 14.50 pts — on the wire

49ers QB Brock Purdy this week said that McCaffrey should be getting more consideration in the MVP race, and it’s hard to argue against him. He’s leading the league in rushing by more than 300 yds, tied for the league lead in total TDs with 20, and has the most receiving yards among all RBs. He’s the #5 overall fantasy player and 70 points ahead of the next closest non-QB. And he’s seventh in the current MVP gambling odds, behind his own QB.

Hope every Jared Goff fantasy owner is having fun on that roller coaster. He’s the seventh best passer over the last four weeks, but it’s all fits and starts: 22.18 pts, 20.32 pts, 6.44 pts, 41.12 pts. The Lions are 2-2 over that stretch with a blowout win over the Broncos and a blowout loss to the Bears. This team could win the NFC championship or lose in the first round to a 9-8 team.

“Jets QBs” edition

3rd place: Aaron Rodgers, 0.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Zach Wilson, -0.96 pts — on Jeff’s bench
1st place: Trevor Siemian, -1.60 pts — on the wire

It’s never a good day when the best QB on your roster is the one on injured reserve, but it has been that kind of year for the Jets.

Wilson, who is terrible and should not be in the NFL and still somehow beat the Eagles, on Sunday completed just four passes for 26 yards and fumbled before being knocked out of the game. His replacement, Siemian, managed three turnovers in three quarters of work, posting a QB rating of 32.9 (lower than the 39.6 rating you got sitting on your couch).

The 30-0 loss to the Dolphins mercifully killed whatever remaining playoff hopes the Jets had. The franchise has now missed the playoffs for 13 consecutive years, the longest active drought in the league. When they last played in the postseason, Eagles DT Fletcher Cox wasn’t even in the NFL yet, and now he’s talking about retirement.


** If you were wondering why there were three NFL games on Saturday, CBS Sports had an explanation for you:

“The primary reason is that college football is finally subsiding. Typically, NCAA games dominate the Saturday schedule, but now that we've reached a point where only select bowl games are on the broadcast slate, the NFL is free to fill the void with games of its own.”

Just to be clear, there were only SEVEN college bowl games on Saturday, so we really needed the NFL to give us something else to entertain us. What would we do with a mere 13 hours of college games to watch?

** Sports Illustrated this week named University of Colorado football coach Deion Sanders as their sportsman of the year. “In less than a year, Sanders has not only transformed a moribund football program, he also breathed fresh life into the campus and transformed a community.”

The Buffaloes were ranked as high as #17 in the country this year … before they started having to back that ranking up on the field. The team finished 4-8, last in their conference, and with a record worse than or equal to all but one of their last seven seasons. 

With those kinds of transformational skills, he’ll be back on the unemployment line in no time.

** After Sunday’s games were finished, the Eagles, 49ers and Cowboys all clinched playoff spots despite only one of those teams winning that day. When Dallas QB Dak Prescott was asked how it felt to be headed back to the postseason even though his team had just lost to the Bills, here was his response:

"I don't care, to be honest… we can check it off, but we've got other things to focus on. I've continued to tell you all in different times this is about us putting our best performances out each and every week, and today we simply didn't do that.”

If the Cowboys leaders don’t care about making the playoffs, it makes sense why they don’t stay in the postseason very long.

Since the Eagles are playing like jokes right now, here are actual football jokes you can use to liven up the room during their next inevitable meltdown:

How did the octopus do in the football game?
— He had ten-tackles! Which is better than any of the Eagles pathetic defenders.

Where do Eagles players dance?
— At a foot ball! And not in the end zone. They forgot how to get there.

What insect is the worst football player?
— The fumble-bee. He has almost as many turnovers as Jalen Hurts.

What is harder to catch the faster you run?
— Your breath. This isn’t a problem for the Eagles offense, since they never run at the right times.

What do NFL centers wear on their feet?
— Hiking shoes! Unless it’s Jason Kelce, then it’s “mystery false start penalty” shoes.

What’s the difference between the Eagles and a dollar bill?
— You can get four quarters out of a dollar bill! Also, a dollar bill won’t consistently collapse on third and long.

How many clowns does it take to change a light bulb?
— I dunno, let’s hand one to the Eagles coaches to find out.

All too often we look at a Cowboys player and assume we know what he’s all about: He’s mean, he’s rotten, he wants to eat kids. But sometimes it’s worth taking time to unpack the true evil inside. Consider Cowboys rookie Tyrus Wheat, whose name quickly and easily anagrams into a simple revelation of his personality:

Tyrus Wheat
** Watery tush

But is it enough to stop there? Is there more to be discovered if we look at the position he plays and the inner fiber of his being?

DE Tyrus Wheat
** Dusty weather

Of course, you could have said those things about Tyrus before he began playing for the Cowboys. What about now that he has joined the NFL squad? What do the letters in his name say about him today?

Dallas DE Tyrus Wheat
** Dastardly weasel hut

And, finally, when the entire player’s title is revealed, so is the true nature of his character.

Dallas Cowboys DE Tyrus Wheat
** Yo, we watched: Bro slays adults

Let this be a reminder not to judge a book by its cover. Don’t assume you’ll hate the story when, in fact, you end up really, really hating the story.

** Dad dropped another game in our weekly picks contest to fall down 14 for the year. But that doesn’t tell the whole story.

We had nine games different this week, and Dad lost the first four of the week, dropping him to minus-17 for the season. He then reeled off four straight wins against me — including getting the Dallas loss right — before ultimately dropping the Sunday night game. Still, an impressive turnaround. He needs to average four a week from here on out to claim the title. And if he’s down 17 going into the final week, it’s all over.

** Speaking of Dad, he and I face off in the Garrity Family League playoffs this week in a Christmas throwdown. Mom upset Shelly last week and plays her again in the first round. I averaged 29.4 points a week more than Mom this year, so I have no doubt she’ll win the championship in a blowout.

** The last time the Eagles beat the Seahawks, QB Donovan McNabb threw two TD passes and CB Lito Sheppard broke up two pass plays. So, it has been a while. Eight straight losses, to be exact.

 
Week 15 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1893.74 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1847.44 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1828.91 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1796.63 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 1766.18 pts
6 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1693.62 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1678.91 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1639.78 pts
9 — Poetical Nonsense (Paul), 1558.80 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1471.42 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1448.95 pts
12 — Jabronis (Ant), 1430.54 pts

Huge news in the standings — we have a new bottom dweller! Jeff’s solid week coupled with a dismal performance by Ant (only two players in double digits) drop him to the caboose slot in the league train. Ant also missed out on 30 pts on his bench, which would have been more than enough to keep him out of last. With just three weeks left in the season, he’s in danger of being left behind in 2023 while the rest of us move on to bigger and better things.

At the other end, Jonathan’s huge week (161.69 pts) gives him a suddenly sizable cushion heading into the holiday blitz. For perspective, Dad — whose name is a constant taunt and lie at this point — scored 120.43 points and fell behind by 40 in the standings. Still, our top four are all within 100 points, a not-insurmountable total for a three-week stretch.

Sunday is Christmas Eve, Monday is Christmas, and every day is a day that the NFL wants to jam its product down your throat. There are games on Thursday, Monday, Saturday, and maybe even Sunday too. Check and get those rosters in gear.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 14 recap

How the Eagles can still miss the playoffs:

** The Eagles lose the rest of their games. Given that their defense is complete garbage and their offense forgot how to score points, this is a realistic possibility.

** The Cowboys win at least one more game.

** The Packers win their last four games (Bucs, Panthers, Vikings and Bears).

** The Rams win their last four games (Commanders, Saints, Giants and a 49ers team resting players in their final week).

** The Seahawks win their last four games (Eagles, Titans, Steelers and Cardinals).

Then the Eagles, at 10-7, will be in eighth place in the NFC, and sitting at home for the first round of the playoffs.

Of course, the way they are playing, they could win one game, make the playoffs and then bomb out in the first round. So they should be resting at home in mid-January either way.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 37.64 pts — started by me
WR: Deebo Samuel, 26.37 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Raheem Mostert, 22.37 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Evan Engram, 24.33 pts — started by Bob
K: Brandon Aubrey, 22.00 pts — started by Sam
DEF: Minnesota, 25.00 pts — on the wire
D: Ronnie Harrison Jr., 10.00 pts — on the wire

For the record, Cincinnati QB Jake Browning was the third best fantasy QB on the week, and he was on my bench. Falcons QB Desmond Ridder was the fourth best QB in fantasy on the week, and he may not even be the fourth-best QB on his own team. Weird, weird week.

How weird, you ask? There were zero WRs with two or more TDs this week. But there were three TEs with two end zone grabs: Engram, David Njoku and Hunter Henry. There were no defenses that scored negative points — the first time that has happened all year — and four that scored exactly 15 pts (which feels like it means something but I don’t know what.)

Jalen Hurts, Jared Goff and Tua Tagovailoa all lost. Bailey Zappe and Tommy Devito won. The world is upside down.
“Eagles defense” edition

1st place: Philadelphia, 8.00 pts — started by Paul

It’s weird because the stat line reads as if the Eagles defense was worth some fantasy points but in reality the entire group was worthless. Utterly worthless.


** In case you missed it, the Cowboys were wearing their “color rush” uniforms on Sunday night. For most teams, the color rush outfits feature the team’s primary color in covering nearly all of the shirt, pants and helmets of players. For the Eagles, they’re all green. For the Vikings, they’re all purple. And for the Cowboys, they’re … all white. You know, the absence of color. The opposite of what a color “rush” would be.

I’m looking forward to next week, when Dallas shows off its throwback uniforms. They’re brand new.

** Cleaning up the house this weekend, I found Sport Illustrated’s pre-season predictions for the MLB season. Their pick for the World Series result? Yankees over Padres … two teams that missed the playoffs. The actual result? Rangers over the Diamondbacks … two teams they did not pick for the playoffs.

In their defense, though, they did accurately predict four of the twelve teams to make the playoffs. And in baseball, a .333 batting average is very, very good.

** On ESPN’s fantasy football landing page, when you go to check scores, the site displays a message that the game statistics are “presented ad-free after a word from our sponsor.” At which point they show a short ad. Because words have no meaning.

MLB star Shohei Ohtani signed a 10-year, $700-million contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers this week, breaking the previous high for a free-agent baseball deal by more than $250 million. and that’s not even the most insane part of the story. Because Ohtani pulls in roughly $45 million in endorsement annually and wants the Dodgers to keep spending to make the team around him better, he is deferring $680 million of that contract until 2034, giving the team financial flexibility for the next decade.

All this begs the question — what could Ohanti buy with that $680 million he doesn’t need? Here are a few items of note:

** The Columbus Blue Jackets: Valued at $600 million, Ohanti could become an NHL owner and still have almost $100 million cash on hand.

** Eight years of OF Bryce Harper, SS Trea Turner and P Aaron Nola: Harper has $196 million left on his contract, Turner is due about $219 million through 2031, and Nola just signed a seven-year, $172 million deal. There’s still $93 million left after that, which is probably enough to put a couple of guys around them too.

** 104.6 million Dodger Dogs: That’s one free hot dog for every fan who buys a ticket to any home game for the next 27 years.

** The 15 highest paid players in the NFL this year: That list somehow includes QB Aaron Rodgers ($37.5 million in 2023) but not WR Tyreek Hill (a mere $30 million salary, 18th in the league).

** Almost the entire Japanese Nippon Professional Baseball league: Eleven of the 12 teams combined have a value of $608 million. The 12th, the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks, have a value of about $700 million all alone.

** About one-ninth of SoFi Stadium: The home of two LA NFL teams cost $5.5 billion to build.

The public report out of Cowboys camp this week was that Coach Mike McCarthy had to miss several days of practice for an emergency appendectomy, a procedure that threatened to make him miss Sunday’s game. So it was a surprise to some when he was on the sidelines for the contest, ready to handle game-day duties. Of course, the real story is that there was no appendectomy, and the procedure was actually a mandated medical procedure that all Cowboys staffers go through. And, naturally, they hid the truth in plain sight, in the letters of their cover story:

Dallas Coach Mike McCarthy’s recent appendix surgery
** Lance men extracted his grimy, cracked soul. Happy scar!

Fun fact: It’s actually very difficult for Dallas staffers to coach with any piece of a soul in them, because it offers a reminder of all the evil they are committing.


** Dad and I split our picks again this week, leaving me up 13 for the season with just four weeks left to go. He can still come back, I think. Scoring 14 in the final quarter is the kind of thing players from Philly used to do but I don’t know if it’s possible anymore.

** Sunday’s 3-0 win by the Vikings over the Raiders was the first game in 16 years to total fewer than four points of offense and only the seventh time in the Super Bowl era that a game has ended with that little scoring. And in the standings, it counts the same as the Dolphins 70-20 win over the Broncos. Life can be unfair.

** I did make the playoffs in one of my pay fantasy leagues, thanks for asking.


Week 14 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1732.05 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1728.64 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1708.48 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1680.10 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 1623.95 pts
6 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1578.23 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1574.67 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1556.11 pts
9 — Misguided Optimism (Paul), 1472.19 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1378.80 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 1354.47 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1339.88 pts

Last week, Jonathan held onto the top spot by fewer than five points. This week, he’s up by less than four, but we’ve got a completely different silver medal squad. Mom D jumped from fourth to second thanks to a 143.38 points performance (second only to Bob’s 149.50 point outburst) and is looming just behind our youngest coach. And Justin Herbert’s injury leaves Jonathan without a reliable QB, making the stretch run to the championship a tall task.

Dad is lurking not far behind, and Jo’s squad took a huge tumble (only 65 points this week, and 24 came from her kicker and defense!). Don’t sleep on the Brotherly Shove Squad — I’ve been slowly inching my way up the charts and can grab that top spot as long as we have about 20 weeks left in the season.

Paul’s misguided optimism has him giving a respectable showing this season, and I’m pretty sure Ant and Jeff got lost at sea. But all hope is not gone yet. There are still four weeks left in the season. The bye weeks are all done, and the championship push starts with a Thursday game and three Saturday games because the NFL DOES NOT CARE whether you have other plans. Just get your rosters set before you head out Christmas shopping.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 13 recap

Following Sunday’s embarrassing loss to the 49ers, the Eagles front office scrambled to find free agent help to plug some of the glaring holes in their squad. That led to signing LB Shaquille Leonard and talks with TE Zach Ertz, but the team must do more if they’re serious about making a championship run. Here’s a few other names to consider:

** CB Marcus Peters: The former Raiders defensive back has playoff experience and could give valuable depth to a Philadelphia secondary constantly struggling with injuries.

** DE JJ Watt: I know he retired last year, but are we sure he’s done? The 34-year-old’s brother (TJ Watt) is just five years younger and has 14 sacks on the season. JJ is probably good for four or five key sacks down the stretch.

** WR Julio Jones: The former All-Pro receiver could serve as a big red zone target for QB Jalen Hurts. There were rumors the Eagles signed him weeks ago, but there have been no public sightings of him since Thanksgiving.

** RB Kenyan Drake: The eight-year pro has played for five different teams and looked pretty worn down in his last action with the Ravens. But even if he can just barely walk, he’s an upgrade over RB Boston Scott.

** OF Shohei Ohtani: Does he play football? It’s unclear. The guy can pitch and hit and do everything else in baseball, so maybe he could also give the Eagles a boost. He’s 6-4 and 209 lbs, about the same size as CB James Bradberry.

** QB Nick Foles: I’m just saying, The Eagles have never won a Super Bowl without him on the roster.

QB: Brock Purdy, 37.46 pts — on Sam’s bench
WR: Deebo Samuel, 31.13 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Joe Mixon, 25.07 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Sam LaPorta, 19.83 pts — started by Mom D
K: Brandon Aubrey, 15.00 pts — started by Sam
DEF: LA Chargers, 22.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Andrew Van Ginkel, 11.00 pts — on the wire

Great. A whole bunch of 49ers and Cowboys up there.

The Chargers defense dominated the Patriots on Sunday, collecting five sacks and a fumble recovery while shutting out the inept New England offense. And that’s great news for LA, because their offense was almost equally bad: They kicked two FGs in the second quarter and won the game 6-0. It’s only the 19th time since 1966 that a game has ended with fewer than seven combined points, and the first time it has happened since 2018. The game had more than twice as many punts (13) as points. For some reason, all fans who bought seats for the pathetic display were not immediately offered refunds.

Somehow I’ve only made fun of Andrew Van Ginkel’s name on the blog one time before, and that was three years ago. I’ll have to fix that in a future posting.

“Defensive” edition

3rd place: (tie) Cleveland, -3.00 pts — started by Mom D
3rd place: (tie) Dallas, -3.00 pts — started by Sam
2nd place: Philadelphia, -4.00 pts — started by Paul
1st place: Maryland, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Welcome to the NFC East, where the best defense of the week belonged to the Giants, who were on a bye. The other three teams combined for 111 pts allowed, three sacks and one turnover.

Six defenses scored in negative points this week, and Mom D had two of them. Too bad she didn’t have the insight to start the Saints instead of the Browns, she would have only scored -2.00 pts with them. Some weeks you just can’t win.


** During Thursday night’s game between the Seahawks and Cowboys, every time a short yardage play came up, analyst Kirk Herbstreit made a reference to the Eagles unstoppable one-yard rush package. You know, the one where they push the QB forward for a first down or TD. The one everyone has talked about all season long.

That’s right, the “push tush,” as Herbstreit called it FOUR SEPARATE TIMES in the game.

I get it, it’s easy to reverse those two terms … if you haven’t been watching any pro football this season. Which, if you’ve heard any of Herbstreit’s commentary this year, may be the case.

** During halftime of the Pac-12 Championship game, studio analyst Booger McFarland was extolling the offensive line play of Washington and highlighted one play where the blockers drove the defenders 10 yards downfield.

“Look at the running back pushing his man across the field too,” he exclaimed. “You think this game doesn’t mean a lot? Don’t tell them that. These guys are hustling.”

I did mention this was the Pac-12 championship game? You know, a contest where zero individuals involved believed “this game doesn’t mean a lot.” I watched a little of the second half just to make sure, and when Oregon lost, their coach did not say he was happy to miss out on a playoff appearance and finish second in the league title race.

** From the Washington Post on Monday: “The Saints lost QB Derek Carr in the fourth quarter to back, shoulder and head injuries after he was hit by DL Bruce Irvin as he released a pass … Saints Coach Dennis Allen called the injuries ‘concerning.’”

Slow down with the hyperbole there, coach. Only the top third of his body is injured. If everything waist up was damaged, then that would be worth raising an eyebrow over.
 

It’s that time of year again — college football bowl season, where words and sponsorships lose all meaning. Can you identify which of these are real bowl games and which are AI-generated fakes?

 

Cricket Celebration Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Pop Tarts Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Roofclaim.com Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Wasabi Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Starco Brands LA Bowl hosted by Gronk
Real bowl Fake dish

Great American Waffle Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Avacados from Mexico Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

GoBowling.com Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Famous Toastery Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Guaranteed Rate Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Three of those 10 are fakes.

The Wasabi Bowl isn’t a real thing. It’s actually the Wasabi Fenway Bowl. When you use the full name, it makes perfect sense. Same with the GoBowling.com Bowl — it’s actually the Military Bowl presented by GoBowling.com. Big difference there.

And the Great American Waffle Bowl was made up by AI. Honestly, it’s the most realistic sounding one on that list.

 
Cowboys S Juanyeh Thomas has been used sparingly in his first two years in the league, appearing mostly on special teams. And yet the Dallas front office has been high on the young player, calling him a key morale figure for the team’s culture. What do they see that the rest of us are missing? Just look at the letters in his name for the obvious answer:

Safety Juanyeh Thomas
** Ye fat humans hate joys

Insulting enemy fan bases? That’s standard trash talk. Insulting all of humanity? Only a true Cowboy can do that.

** Thanks to the Colts overtime victory, Dad dropped both of the picks we had different this week. I’m now up 13 with 13 weeks of football finished. Can Dad still come back? Sure. Can the Patriots still make the playoffs? Technically, yes. Are either of these likely scenarios? Well, we know New England can still cheat its way back into contention. Dad might have a tougher time.

** Delaware got annihilated by Montana in the second round of the FCS playoffs on Saturday, so college football is officially over for the year. Thanks for following along, you can stop now.

** WR DeSean Jackson retired as an Eagle this week and the craziest stat to come out of his departure was this: The speedy wideout during his career caught TD passes from Philly QBs Donovan McNabb, Kevin Kolb, Mike Vick, Nick Foles, Carson Wentz and Jalen Hurts. That seems impossible, since the McNabb years feel like more than five decades ago.



Week 13 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1620.18 pts
2 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1616.52 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1590.60 pts
4 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1585.26 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 1502.01 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1485.22 pts
7 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1467.27 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1406.61 pts
9 — Electric Sheep (Paul), 1370.37 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1284.68 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 1273.40 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1213.12 pts

With just five weeks left in the season, the top three spots in the Awesome Cup standings continue to be a game of musical chairs. Jonathan grabs the throne for now, but his lead is less than four points. A brutal week for Dad (85.24 pts, last place on the week) drops him back to third place, but he and Mom D both sit less than 40 points behind first.

Mike and I continue in vain to try and claw our way back into the upper echelon. Paul’s android dreams may be slowly dying. And at Jeff’s current scoring pace, he could catch Jonathan if Jonathan benches all his players for the rest of the season.

This week marks the final week of byes for the season, and if you’re relying heavily on Maryland or Arizona players, you’re already in deep trouble. But get your roster sorted out anyway.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 12 recap

Before the Thanksgiving holiday fades too far away in memory, here are a few things that Philadelphia fans should be thankful for this year:

** Second halves: The Eagles have now trailed at halftime in their last four games, and they have won all four. This team would be 6-5 if the games were only 30 minutes long.

** Jake Elliott: The Eagles kicker isn’t in the top 10 in salaries for kickers this season. Bills K Tyler Bass is fourth in the league. Bass missed two FGs in Sunday’s loss to Philadelphia, one in part because of the driving rain. Elliot hit a 59-yarder in that same weather to send the game into overtime.

** AJ Brown and Devonta Smith: Can you name the Eagles’ starting two wideouts for week 12 in 2020? If you didn’t remember Travis Fulgham and Jalen Reagor, well, you have Brown and Smith to thank for cleansing your brain.

** Late-game pressure: The Eagles have 32 sacks on the year so far. Of those, 19 have come in the third or fourth quarters, when defensive stops are even more critical.

** Jalen Hurts: He’s 27-2 in his last 29 regular season starts. Nick Foles only had 26 regular season wins in his whole Eagles career. Of course, there is one win category where Hurts needs to catch up to Foles…

QB: Josh Allen, 43.66 pts — started by Dad
WR: Zay Flowers, 19.87 pts — on my bench
RB: Kyren Williams, 33.37 pts — started by me
TE: Sam LaPorta, 13.63 pts — started by Mom D
K: Blake Grupe, 19.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Miami, 22.00 pts — started by Jonathan
D: Rashan Gary, 14.50 pts — on the wire

I’ll be honest, even I’m not sure if Blake Grupe is a real player or someone I made up.

We only had five QBs top 40 fantasy points in a game through the first 11 weeks of the season, so of course we had three this week alone. Combined, they totaled 13 TDs and 870 passing yds. Allen led the pack, bettering Hurts and Dak Prescott each by about three points. Those three are also on the medal stand right now in that order for the most fantasy points scored of any players.

That’s impressive, and even more so when you can’t figure out who the heck they are throwing to. This was the first time all season that zero wideouts cracked the 20-fantasy-points mark. Eleven receivers topped 100 yards, but none had a standout performance of note. Flowers topped the pack in large part thanks to a 37-yard rushing TD, not just his WR work.

 
“Dallas” edition

3rd place: DeeJay Dallas, -0.17 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Mike White, -0.20 pts — on the wire
1st place: Mac Jones, -0.44 pts — on the wire

I just really wanted to have a Dallas somewhere in the worst performers this week.

Patriots QB Mac Jones threw for 316 yards and three TDs against the Eagles in the opener this season, totaling 30.14 fantasy points. This week he threw for 89 yards and two interceptions against the New Jersey Giants before being benched for the second half of the loss. Jones was drafted by the Patriots in 2021 and made the Pro Bowl that year. Now, the 2-9 New England team is likely looking at drafting a new play caller with one of the top picks in next year’s NFL draft.


** Late in that unwatchable Cowboys game on Thanksgiving, Dallas QB Dak Prescott tossed a 34-yard TD pass to WR KaVontae Turpin to put his team up 37-10 and essentially end the game. As part of their end zone celebration, several players ran over to the giant Salvation Army kettle display near the end zone and pulled out a turkey leg, handing it to their QB to get a snack while they danced with glee. CBS sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson immediately chimed in with her … insight.

“I’ve got the full story of how that turkey leg ended up in the bucket. Ahead of the game, TE Jack Ferguson told his teammates ‘hey, we’ve got to put a turkey leg in there for after we score.’ So they did it.”

Wow. There’s so much intrigue and subterfuge there I’m surprised Wolfson could remember all the twists and turns. And it totally cleared up my confusion of whether Prescott was using a prop to celebrate or simply eating trash off the ground because he was so hungry. Solid sideline journalism, as always.

** As part of its pre-game ads for “Black Friday Football” this week, Amazon showed shots of RB Christian McCaffery sprinting out of the locker room, QB Jalen Hurts prepping on the sideline, LB Micah Parsons lining up for a defensive rush, DE Maxx Crosby sacking a QB, WR Chris Olave making a clutch catch and QB Patrick Mahomes celebrating a score, all over the Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black.” Then a deep announcer’s voice boomed, “Black Friday is now game day.”

It was, in fact, a game day that featured zero of those players. They didn’t show any Dolphins or Jets until the 30-second mark of the commercial. But, if that’s all I had to sell viewers on, maybe I’d keep the actual teams secret too.

Even though the 1-10 Panthers fired their head coach this week and have been outscored by 119 points this season, they still have a possible path to the playoffs. All they need to do to finish atop the NFC south is:

** Win five of their next six games, finishing with a 6-11 record.
** Have the Falcons lose the rest of their games, finishing at 5-12.
** Have the Saints lose the rest of their games except the one against the Falcons, finishing at 6-11.
** Have the Bucs beat the Falcons and Saints but lose their other 4, finishing at 6-11.

If that happens, the Panthers with a 4-2 record in the division would be crowned champions. And they’d be the #4 seed, hosting a first-round playoff game.

Ridiculous, right? Maybe not. Of their last six games, the Panthers only play one team with a winning record (the Jaguars). And the other teams in the NFC South have a combined 6-16 record outside of the division. Suddenly six wins and playoff dreams sounds at least somewhat plausible.

Speaking of Jake “Turd” Ferguson, he’s done more for the Cowboys this year than hide poultry. The second-year pro is third on the team in receiving yards and has been a key offensive contributor for Dallas. But he’s even more important in the character of the team, helping them establish an identity on and off the field. And when you rearrange the letters in his name, you can see exactly what that identity is:

Dallas Cowboys TE Jake Ferguson
** A jerk. A soft cudgel. Obeys no laws.

The Cowboys haven’t obeyed any laws of humanity in the past, so why start now?

** Finally a good week for Dad, who went 2-1 in the weekly picks and dropped his deficient on the year down to 11. And he did not pick the Jets to win. So progress all around.

** The NFL Hall of Fame on Tuesday announced their semifinalists for the 2024 class and it includes former Eagles CB Eric Allen and former Eagles RB Ricky Watters. But they also eliminated from the ballot K David Akers, QB Randall Cunningham, RB Brian Westbrook, QB Donovan McNabb and CB Troy Vincent. And I get that you have to make cuts, but RB Fred Taylor made it past the first round. Fred Taylor!?! Who was healthy for like 15 minutes over a decade? How is he a potential Hall of Famer and former league MVP Cunningham isn’t?

** For all you ESPN+ fans, Delaware takes on Montana State in the second round of the FCS playoffs at 9pm on Saturday night. To prep for that, you can root against Villanova at noon when they take on Youngstown State.


Week 12 standings

1 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1505.86 pts
2 — The Best (Jonathan), 1492.67 pts
3 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1461.77 pts
4 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1444.40 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1378.66 pts
6 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1365.92 pts
7 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt Awesome), 1361.29 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1319.24 pts
9 — Die Hard is a Christmas Movie (Paul), 1283.12 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1178.09 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 1175.22 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1087.52 pts

Our top four teams all had huge weeks again, elevating their tier ahead of the rest of the pack. Dad topped the week with 147.39 pts and tops the standings again, with Jonathan close behind. But Dad has an incredible eight players on a bye this week, meaning he’ll be doing some serious scrambling to stay up there.

Tough week all around — Bob had 116.72 pts this week, and that was only good enough for 8th place over the holiday slate of contests. I thought I was making up ground on the leaders and only finished a point ahead of Bob. Paul’s yippee-ki-yay attitude has him slowly climbing up, but there may not be enough time left to overcome his slow start. Jeff’s team remains dead.

Six teams are on byes this week, including the Ravens and Bills, so that should cause significant heartache for everyone (and not just Dad). Check those rosters early. Only six weeks left in the season…

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 11 recap

Are we totally sure that we know who won that Monday night game? Consider the following:

** QB Jalen Hurts threw for the fewest yards in a game this season (150) in Monday’s game against the Chiefs. The last time he had a quarterback performance with fewer yards was a 13-7 loss to the Giants in week 12 of 2021.

** The Eagles held the ball on offense for fewer than 28 minutes on Monday night. The last time they had less time on offense in a game was a 20-10 loss to the Saints in week 16 of 2022.

** WR AJ Brown was limited to one catch for 8 yds in Monday’s game. The last time he was held to a single reception was a 32-21 loss to the Commanders in week 9 of 2022.

** The Eagles scored only 21 points on Monday night, their second-lowest total of the year. The last time they scored fewer than 22 points was during a 20-14 loss to the Jets in week 6 of this year.

** The Chiefs led by a touchdown with seven minutes left in Monday’s game. The last time they had that type of lead over the Eagles was during a 38-35 win over the Eagles in the Super Bowl last year.

Don’t be surprised later this week if the NFL uses that evidence to review the results of Monday’s contest and overturn the final result. Until then, enjoy the 9-1 record for the second year in a row.

QB: Trevor Lawrence, 36.18 pts — on Joel’s bench
WR: Calvin Ridley, 24.17 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Saquon Barkley, 26.10 pts — started by Dad
TE: George Kittle, 15.93 pts — started by Paul
K: Tyler Bass, 17.00 pts — started by me
DEF: Buffalo, 24.00 pts — started by Jonathan
D: Khalil Mack, 10.50 pts — on the wire

There were actually ties at the kicker and defensive player spots, but they involved more waiver wire guys, and neither you or I really care.

Just missing the top performers was Dallas CB DaRon Bland, who collected his sixth interception of the season and his fourth interception return TD, tying an NFL record (held by three others, including Eagles CB Eric Allen). That means that Bland, who does not play on offense, now has more receiving TDs on the year than WRs Justin Jefferson, DK Metcalf, Chris Olave, Jalen Waddle or Garret Wilson. He’s also tied with RB Boston Scott in rushing TDs (zero).

A big round of applause for Lawrence, who was the trendy pick in the fantasy sports community to “step up this year” and become a top-tier fantasy scorer. Sadly, this week’s performance was only the third time he has gotten above 20 points in a game. He now ranks as the #17 fantasy quarterback on the season, behind Kirk Cousins (who suffered a season-ending injury three weeks ago) and Josh Dobbs (traded from Arizona to Minnesota to replace Cousins). But, solid work this week at least.

“Just bad” edition

3rd place: Craig Reynolds, -1.38 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Drew Lock, -1.88 pts — on the wire
1st place: Tennessee, -2.00 pts — on the wire

The Titans were the only defense on the week to score in negative territory, victims of that onslaught by Lawrence and the Jaguars. Lock was one of three backup QBs to come into a game on Sunday and leave with fewer fantasy points than when they were on the bench.

As mentioned earlier, Burrow went down with a season-ending arm injury in the first quarter of the Bengals’ Thursday night loss to the Ravens. He ended with a disappointing 10.74 pts for Jo’s team … which was still better than the full-game totals from Jets QB Zach Wilson, Panthers QB Bryce Young and Steelers QB Kenny Pickett. There’s a lot of bad QB play out there right now, folks.


** Just how bad was the Maryland Commanders contest to the New Jersey Giants on Sunday? The Giants came into the game 1-8 against the rest of the league, and finished the day 2-0 against the Commanders. Maryland sacked Giants QB Tommy DeVito nine times and still found a way to lose. And yet, none of that was the low point for the once-proud DC-area franchise. That actually came after the game, when both teams took freezing cold showers.

From the team’s front office: “We had an equipment failure in the main water heater that provides hot water to the field level locker rooms. We can’t resolve the matter without completely shutting off the water to the stadium, which is why it couldn’t be repaired in game.”

It’s one thing not to be able to put together a decent football team. It’s another thing not to be able to handle basic plumbing needs for your place of work. No wonder they can’t get the crap out of the place…

** During ESPN’s top plays segment on Tuesday morning, the network showed Chief’s QB Patrick Mahomes scrambling out of a sack and tossing a TD pass over the hands of the Eagles secondary for the game’s first score. “Mahomes, is there anything he can’t do?” asked anchor Jay Harris.

Um, yeah, he couldn’t win that Monday night game all alone. A few minutes ago you had a long segment about all the drops Kansas City’s wideouts have had. I dunno, maybe watch your own show before you throw questions out there.

** CBS analyst Tony Romo, during Buffalo’s big win over the Jets (4-6) on Sunday: “If the Bills win their next three, they may be your Super Bowl favorites.”

The Bills next three: at Eagles (9-1), at Chiefs (7-3), home vs. Cowboys (7-3)
The Bills last four: loss to the Broncos (5-5), loss to the Bengals (5-5), win against the Bucs (4-6), loss to the Patriots (2-8)

All I’m pointing out is that “if” is carrying a lot of weight in that sentence. Maybe have the Bills beat a team with a winning record before planning the championship parade.

It’s never too early to look ahead at next year’s rookie class. Here’s a quiz for you — which of these are current college football stars and possible first round picks next year, and which are made-up joke names?

1. DE Chop Robinson              
             First-rounder Fraud
2. OT Olumuyiwa Fashanu   
             First-rounder Fraud
3. CB Kool-Aid McKinstry   
             First-rounder Fraud
4. OT Joe Alt           
             First-rounder Fraud
   
5. WR Hingle McCringleberry 
             First-rounder Fraud
   
6. DE Laiatu Latu                 
             First-rounder Fraud
   
7. OT Kingsley Suamataia     
             First-rounder Fraud
   
8. WR Rome Odunze           
             First-rounder Fraud
   
9. S Kiran Amegadjie           
             First-rounder Fraud
   
10. TE Marshel Martin IV     
              First-rounder Fraud

Don’t bother looking for a submit button, I still haven’t figured out how to do those. Besides, all of those names are actual people who may be drafted in the first round next year except for Martin. He is considered more of a second-round talent.

Oh, and Hingle McCringleberry is a made-up player from a Key and Peele sketch. But you knew that.

While everyone loves Thanksgiving, we as Americans are faced with the same question every year when the holiday rolls around: Why do we have to watch the stupid Cowboys game instead of a non-evil team? After all, the Lions started playing a Thanksgiving day game 89 years ago, establishing it as an annual tradition. Dallas started playing them 30 years later, declaring it their tradition too because they wanted attention. As thus we were all forced to experience several hours of bitterness on a day meant to engender gratitude.

So why hasn’t this been stopped? Can we all pray for relief? Alas, we cannot. Just look at what the letters in the question clearly spell out:

Why do the Dallas Cowboys get to play on every Thanksgiving day?
** Wily Satan, ye icy hag, boldly takes over TV when thy good God naps

I guess the silver lining here is the knowledge that even God naps on Thanksgiving, so it must be a holy and righteous activity.

** Dad and I split our picks this week, he remains down 12 for the season. And, yes, he picked the Jets again. And, yes, the Jets lost again. And, yes, I called Dad to tell him to switch his pick and he still believed in the Jets. I’m honestly out of solutions here.

** Phillies P Aaron Nola’s new seven-year, $172 million contract makes him the richest pitcher in Phillies history and the highest-paid athlete in Philadelphia today … unless you count the six guys still making more than him (AJ Brown, Bryce Harper, Trea Turner, Tobias Harris, Jalen Hurts and Joel Embiid). They all make at least $25 million a year. There are now 11 Philadelphia players making more than $20 million this season. So if you’re wondering why ticket prices are still going up…

** Eagles K Jake Elliott doesn’t have a single field goal this month and has only kicked two in the last five games. I don’t think that’s necessarily a problem, but it is weird.

** After Monday’s win, Eagles QB Jalen Hurts said the victory was even sweeter because “we still haven’t played our best game yet” and, I dunno, maybe we could try that one week? Like, just come out and play well for all four quarters and see what that feels like? It would be a fun experiment, I think.

Week 11 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1359.35 pts
2 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1358.97 pts
3 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1319.42 pts
4 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1309.53 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1274.89 pts
6 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1271.36 pts
7 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt Awesome), 1243.71 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1202.46 pts
9 — Standard Mediocrity (Paul), 1162.19 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1046.67 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 1046.66 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 996.26 pts

It’s the third straight week we’re had a new leader atop the Awesome Cup standings — this time it’s a return to grace for the boy, who barely squeaked by Dad for first place. The pair were also one-two in the weekly standings, both topping 130 pts in a week where seven teams could not reach 100.

Sam’s tumble down the charts continues unabated. He was within striking distance of the top spot a few weeks ago, and now sits all the way down in no-man’s land with me. Mom D and Jo are still lingering but beginning to fade from the upper echelon. Joel had 42.5 pts on his bench and just 63.30 in his starting lineup, so that is less than ideal.

We’re just seven weeks away from crowning a new Awesome Cup Champion, but this one will test your roster-setting concentration skills. There are three games on Thanksgiving, one on Black Friday, one on Sunday night, one on Monday night and … I don’t know, maybe three on Sunday afternoon? Check those rosters early and often.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 10 recap

This weekend will be remembered not as a weekend of exciting matchups and hard-nosed football but instead as the final death knell of the football gods. Consider:

** Facing a 14-point deficit in the fourth quarter, the Cleveland Browns led a long TD drive to pull within seven, then picked off a Ravens pass and returned it for a TD. All of the sudden, the game was tied … or it should have been, if not for a missed extra point on the try. As expected the football gods punished the Browns for that mistake harshly.

Just kidding. The Browns got the ball back a few minutes later and kicked the game-winning field goal. No negative karma detected.

** In one of Saturday’s top college football showdowns, Washington led Utah 33-28 with the Utes charging down the field. With the Huskies undefeated season on the line, LB Alphonzo Tuputala picked off an errant Utah pass and returned it 76 yds for a TD … or it should have been, if he didn’t pull a DeSean Jackson and drop the ball on the on-yard line. Utah recovered, and the football gods punished Washington for that mistake harshly.

Just kidding. Washington got a safety two plays later and won 35-28. No negative karma detected.

** Leading by three with just two minutes left in the game, the Texans faced a third and 3 at their own 32-yard line. The Bengals had no timeouts, so the team could drain valuable time off the clock with a running play … which they opted not to do, instead throwing an incomplete pass and stopping the clock. Cincinnati got the ball back, drove 58 yards in 37 seconds, tied the game, and the football gods punished Houston for that mistake harshly.

Just kidding. The Texans got the ball back and kicked the game-winning field goal with no time left on the clock. No negative karma detected.

** During Monday night’s game, the Bills trailed the Broncos 15-8 after a host of turnovers. The ESPN halftime crew turned to their team of experts to break down what was wrong with the Buffalo offense … or they should have, but instead they brought on Eli Manning from their alternate broadcast to mumble for a bit and say he expected both teams to play better in the second half. For opting to showcase the dumber Manning brother on TV longer, the football gods punished the network harshly.

Just kidding. The fans instead got punished with a sloppy second half, including a game-winning Broncos drive that included a 28-yard pass interference penalty and a “too many men on the field” penalty on the defense during a missed FG attempt. No negative karma detected for ESPN, and Eli Manning’s crimes against humanity continue to go unpunished.

QB: Dak Prescott, 45.86 pts — started by Mike
WR: Keenan Allen, 29.17 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Jahmyr Gibbs, 23.53 pts — started by me
TE: T.J. Hockenson, 20.43 pts — started by Dad
K: Jason Myers, 21.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
DEF: San Francisco, 23.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
D: Kyle Hamilton, 13.00 pts — on the wire

In three games against New Jersey teams this season, the Cowboys are 3-0 with a plus-82 point differential. In their six other games? They’re 3-3 with a plus-12 point differential. The moral of the story is to beat up on crappy New York area teams when you can, and people will think you’re elite.

Gibbs is the fourth best fantasy RB over the last four weeks, totaling 70.87 points, just two points behind all-pro 49ers back Christian McCaffrey. And both of those two had a bye week in that period. So they’ve outscored the field even after taking a week off.

Of the top five fantasy WRs this week, Allen was the only one whose team lost. But he almost single-handedly screwed me in another league, so I feel no sympathy for him.

“Defenseless” edition

3rd place: New Jersey Giants, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Detroit, -4.00 pts — on my bench
1st place: LA Chargers, -6.00 pts — started by Jo

Or maybe Allen’s success could not offset the Chargers’ complete ineptness on defense. The team surrendered 41 points and registered no sacks, no turnovers and no signs of life. The only defense to come close to that same level of awfulness was … their opponent, the Lions, who managed one interception and surrendered only 38 points. On the plus side, it was a fun matchup to watch.

The Giants defense is now the worst in all of fantasy football, averaging 3.60 pts a game. Sunday was the fifth time this season they have scored less than zero in a contest. The good news for them is their opponent next week, the Maryland Commies, are the third worst defense in all of fantasy football. It’s possible neither team makes a tackle the whole game.


** Early in the Seahawks-Commies game, Seattle WR Tyler Lockett went up for a catch in the middle of the field and was speared in the head by CB Emmanuel Forbes. The refs threw a flag for a personal foul penalty, Lockett was sent to the sidelines for concussion tests, and Seahawks radio analyst Dave Wyman ripped into Forbes.

“You can’t do that,” he said. “Sometimes, when you go for a hit, your head drops as you put your shoulder down. And other times you have what Forbes did. You can’t do that.”

After a brief huddle, the referees announced that Forbes was ejected from the game for unsafe play. In response, Wyman suddenly went completely against what he said a moment earlier.

“I mean, I just don’t agree with that,” he said. “It just seems harsh to me. You need to give a guy another chance before you kick him out. That’s just such a big call.”

So, you need to give him a second chance to spear another guy? Make sure he causes a major injury with his irresponsible play, instead of just a minor one?

Or maybe Lockett got hit so hard on the play that Wyman had short-term memory loss, and forgot what he had just said.

** ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt had this tease with five minutes to go in Monday night’s Broncos/Bills tilt:

“Tune in for Sportscenter. When this game is done, we will know who won, and we’ll talk about that.”

That was a relief. I hate all these NFL games that end in a cliffhanger where you have to wait seven days for the standings to update.

** During the Cowboys/Giants game, as Dallas faced 2nd and Goal from the four-yard line with a seven-point lead, New Jersey radio play-by-play announcer Bob Papa made a grim assessment: “If the defense can’t stop them here, and with the way the Giants’ offense is going, this could decide the game.”

Papa said that with nine minutes left to go … in the first half.

He wasn’t wrong — Dallas went up 14-0 and eventually won 49-17. So I guess it wasn’t really one of the stupidest things I heard this week. But it was the saddest by far.

The Eagles return to action after their bye in a Monday night game against the Kansas City Chiefs. And while all the attention should be on the rematch of last February’s Super Bowl — and a possible preview of next February’s championship game — everyone instead has been focused on the Kelce/Swift relationship.

But it’s hard to criticize fans and pundits for the attention, given the excitement the two have already produced. After all, Kelce has had some of his best games with Swift in attendance. Swift seems to get along with everyone, despite being a newbie to the team and fans. The football has been top-notch, the music has gotten even better. And the two are the best-looking couple in the NFL.

So let’s not criticize folks for getting all wound up over the relationship. After all, if the Eagles are going to go far this season, it’ll be on the backs of C Jason Kelce and RB D’Andre Swift. Don’t let people attack Swift for being a newcomer. Don’t let the haters hate on Jason for his new Christmas album or being named a finalist in People’s sexiest man contest.

And the other Kelce/Swift couple? Eh, whatever. I’m not sure anyone has really noticed them.

WR Brandin Cooks was a key offseason pickup for the Cowboys last spring, expected to bring more depth to the team’s receiving corps. Instead, he has been mostly a bust, scoring his first TD of the year in Sunday’s blowout and only totaling 17 catches in eight games before that. Of course, Dallas would have known he was washed up before opening day if they had simply deciphered the message hidden in his name:

Dallas Cowboys WR Brandin Cooks
** A coward, a risky clown. Old snob, BS.

You could say Cooks is cooked, but I would not stoop to that level for a pun. But I would like to pile on nonetheless.

Brandin Cooks
** Non-basic dork
** Cabin son dork
** Bacon sin dork
** Con-in-abs dork
** Sardonic knob

In summary, welcome to the Cowboys, dork.

** Another awful week for Dad’s prognosticating skills — he went 0-4 in our picks and now trails by 12 games with just eight weeks left in the season. At least five of those losses are because of the Jets. I’m not sure how many times he has to grab that hot stove before he learns.

** The Sixers are 5-0 and the Clippers are 0-3 since James Harden was traded to Los Angeles and I for one am shocked — SHOCKED — that the man who forced his way off of three previous squads is not behaving like a team player for the Clippers.

** Just a quick check on your college fantasy football team: If you started LSU QB Jayden Daniels this weekend, he had 372 yds passing, 234 yds rushing and five total TDs for a fantasy score of 68.28 pts. And he still wasn’t the best player to start, because Oklahoma QB Dillon Gabriel beat him by a point and a half (423 yds passing, 50 yds rushing, 8 total TDs, 69.92 fantasy pts).

 
Week 10 standings

1 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1226.46 pts
2 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1219.48 pts
3 — The Best (Jonathan), 1209.71 pts
4 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1189.55 pts
5 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1175.49 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1147.67 pts
7 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt Awesome), 1129.98 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1106.55 pts
9 — Miss American Pie (Paul), 1063.26 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 983.37 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 960.41 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 924.99 pts

Another week, another new leader in the Awesome Cup standings. Dad’s picks may have been dreadful over the weekend but his fantasy choices were on point. He beat me in the Garrity Family league by 0.86 pts and grabbed first place in this league after a week-high 137.87 pts from his Bills-heavy squad. After lingering around the top for the last month or so, he finally reached the summit … for now.

Jo sits less than 7 points behind first place, and Jonathan has been relegated all the way down to bronze medal position. Mom D hopped over Sam after he forgot to start a QB this week (bold strategy). Mike, Bob and I are still trying to climb back into relevance. And I guess we’re supposed to say bye-bye to Paul’s team now, given the new name change?

This week — there’s a big Thursday night game (Ravens vs Bengals) and a huge Monday night game (Eagles vs. Chiefs) and a lot of junk in between. So check your lineups early, because you may need to shift things around to account for injuries and general incompetence. I’m looking at you, Buffalo.