How the Eagles can still miss the playoffs:
** The Eagles lose the rest of their games. Given that their defense is complete garbage and their offense forgot how to score points, this is a realistic possibility.
** The Cowboys win at least one more game.
** The Packers win their last four games (Bucs, Panthers, Vikings and Bears).
** The Rams win their last four games (Commanders, Saints, Giants and a 49ers team resting players in their final week).
** The Seahawks win their last four games (Eagles, Titans, Steelers and Cardinals).
Then the Eagles, at 10-7, will be in eighth place in the NFC, and sitting at home for the first round of the playoffs.
Of course, the way they are playing, they could win one game, make the playoffs and then bomb out in the first round. So they should be resting at home in mid-January either way.
WR: Deebo Samuel, 26.37 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Raheem Mostert, 22.37 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Evan Engram, 24.33 pts — started by Bob
K: Brandon Aubrey, 22.00 pts — started by Sam
DEF: Minnesota, 25.00 pts — on the wire
D: Ronnie Harrison Jr., 10.00 pts — on the wire
For the record, Cincinnati QB Jake Browning was the third best fantasy QB on the week, and he was on my bench. Falcons QB Desmond Ridder was the fourth best QB in fantasy on the week, and he may not even be the fourth-best QB on his own team. Weird, weird week.
How weird, you ask? There were zero WRs with two or more TDs this week. But there were three TEs with two end zone grabs: Engram, David Njoku and Hunter Henry. There were no defenses that scored negative points — the first time that has happened all year — and four that scored exactly 15 pts (which feels like it means something but I don’t know what.)
Jalen Hurts, Jared Goff and Tua Tagovailoa all lost. Bailey Zappe and Tommy Devito won. The world is upside down.
“Eagles defense” edition1st place: Philadelphia, 8.00 pts — started by Paul
It’s weird because the stat line reads as if the Eagles defense was worth some fantasy points but in reality the entire group was worthless. Utterly worthless.
** In case you missed it, the Cowboys were wearing their “color rush” uniforms on Sunday night. For most teams, the color rush outfits feature the team’s primary color in covering nearly all of the shirt, pants and helmets of players. For the Eagles, they’re all green. For the Vikings, they’re all purple. And for the Cowboys, they’re … all white. You know, the absence of color. The opposite of what a color “rush” would be.
I’m looking forward to next week, when Dallas shows off its throwback uniforms. They’re brand new.
** Cleaning up the house this weekend, I found Sport Illustrated’s pre-season predictions for the MLB season. Their pick for the World Series result? Yankees over Padres … two teams that missed the playoffs. The actual result? Rangers over the Diamondbacks … two teams they did not pick for the playoffs.
In their defense, though, they did accurately predict four of the twelve teams to make the playoffs. And in baseball, a .333 batting average is very, very good.
** On ESPN’s fantasy football landing page, when you go to check scores, the site displays a message that the game statistics are “presented ad-free after a word from our sponsor.” At which point they show a short ad. Because words have no meaning.
MLB star Shohei Ohtani signed a 10-year, $700-million contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers this week, breaking the previous high for a free-agent baseball deal by more than $250 million. and that’s not even the most insane part of the story. Because Ohtani pulls in roughly $45 million in endorsement annually and wants the Dodgers to keep spending to make the team around him better, he is deferring $680 million of that contract until 2034, giving the team financial flexibility for the next decade.
All this begs the question — what could Ohanti buy with that $680 million he doesn’t need? Here are a few items of note:
** The Columbus Blue Jackets: Valued at $600 million, Ohanti could become an NHL owner and still have almost $100 million cash on hand.
** Eight years of OF Bryce Harper, SS Trea Turner and P Aaron Nola: Harper has $196 million left on his contract, Turner is due about $219 million through 2031, and Nola just signed a seven-year, $172 million deal. There’s still $93 million left after that, which is probably enough to put a couple of guys around them too.
** 104.6 million Dodger Dogs: That’s one free hot dog for every fan who buys a ticket to any home game for the next 27 years.
** The 15 highest paid players in the NFL this year: That list somehow includes QB Aaron Rodgers ($37.5 million in 2023) but not WR Tyreek Hill (a mere $30 million salary, 18th in the league).
** Almost the entire Japanese Nippon Professional Baseball league: Eleven of the 12 teams combined have a value of $608 million. The 12th, the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks, have a value of about $700 million all alone.
** About one-ninth of SoFi Stadium: The home of two LA NFL teams cost $5.5 billion to build.
The public report out of Cowboys camp this week was that Coach Mike McCarthy had to miss several days of practice for an emergency appendectomy, a procedure that threatened to make him miss Sunday’s game. So it was a surprise to some when he was on the sidelines for the contest, ready to handle game-day duties. Of course, the real story is that there was no appendectomy, and the procedure was actually a mandated medical procedure that all Cowboys staffers go through. And, naturally, they hid the truth in plain sight, in the letters of their cover story: Dallas Coach Mike McCarthy’s recent appendix surgery
** Lance men extracted his grimy, cracked soul. Happy scar!
Fun fact: It’s actually very difficult for Dallas staffers to coach with any piece of a soul in them, because it offers a reminder of all the evil they are committing.
** Dad and I split our picks again this week, leaving me up 13 for the season with just four weeks left to go. He can still come back, I think. Scoring 14 in the final quarter is the kind of thing players from Philly used to do but I don’t know if it’s possible anymore.
** Sunday’s 3-0 win by the Vikings over the Raiders was the first game in 16 years to total fewer than four points of offense and only the seventh time in the Super Bowl era that a game has ended with that little scoring. And in the standings, it counts the same as the Dolphins 70-20 win over the Broncos. Life can be unfair.
** I did make the playoffs in one of my pay fantasy leagues, thanks for asking.
Week 14 standings 1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1732.05 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1728.64 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1708.48 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1680.10 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 1623.95 pts
6 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1578.23 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1574.67 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1556.11 pts
9 — Misguided Optimism (Paul), 1472.19 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1378.80 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 1354.47 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1339.88 pts
Last week, Jonathan held onto the top spot by fewer than five points. This week, he’s up by less than four, but we’ve got a completely different silver medal squad. Mom D jumped from fourth to second thanks to a 143.38 points performance (second only to Bob’s 149.50 point outburst) and is looming just behind our youngest coach. And Justin Herbert’s injury leaves Jonathan without a reliable QB, making the stretch run to the championship a tall task.
Dad is lurking not far behind, and Jo’s squad took a huge tumble (only 65 points this week, and 24 came from her kicker and defense!). Don’t sleep on the Brotherly Shove Squad — I’ve been slowly inching my way up the charts and can grab that top spot as long as we have about 20 weeks left in the season.
Paul’s misguided optimism has him giving a respectable showing this season, and I’m pretty sure Ant and Jeff got lost at sea. But all hope is not gone yet. There are still four weeks left in the season. The bye weeks are all done, and the championship push starts with a Thursday game and three Saturday games because the NFL DOES NOT CARE whether you have other plans. Just get your rosters set before you head out Christmas shopping.
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