You may think that your Christmas tree is already trimmed and decorated, but here are a few last-minute NFL additions that will make your house merry and bright:
** Josh Allen ornament, $15.95
The best part isn’t the “OH MY JOSH” phrase that every Christmas tree needs. It’s the fact that the Bills signal caller is looking down, so you can’t even see his face.
** Football helmet ornament, $12.99
The helmet comes with the phrase “can tackle anything” and can be customized with any team logo you want except for the Carolina Panthers, for obvious reasons.
** Patrick Mahomes ornament, $13.95
When it comes to Christmas decorations, all of us should go big or Mahomes, as the ornament says.
** Michael Oher ornament, $7.80
Sadly, the former offensive lineman does not get any royalties for sales of these decorations.
** Bouncing buddy Patriots ornament, $15.91
It’s the perfect gift for any NFL fan, since it shows a nameless, faceless New England player and no one in America can name anyone on the shell of a team anymore.
** Troy Aikman 1996 keepsake ornament, $24.89
Hang this by your stockings to remember the last time the Cowboys were relevant in the playoffs.
WR: Jordan Addison, 22.40 pts — started by Sam
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 36.80 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Sam LaPorta, 24.23 pts — started by Mom D
K: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Miami, 29.00 pts — started by Jonathan
D: Bradley Chubb, 14.50 pts — on the wire
49ers QB Brock Purdy this week said that McCaffrey should be getting more consideration in the MVP race, and it’s hard to argue against him. He’s leading the league in rushing by more than 300 yds, tied for the league lead in total TDs with 20, and has the most receiving yards among all RBs. He’s the #5 overall fantasy player and 70 points ahead of the next closest non-QB. And he’s seventh in the current MVP gambling odds, behind his own QB.
Hope every Jared Goff fantasy owner is having fun on that roller coaster. He’s the seventh best passer over the last four weeks, but it’s all fits and starts: 22.18 pts, 20.32 pts, 6.44 pts, 41.12 pts. The Lions are 2-2 over that stretch with a blowout win over the Broncos and a blowout loss to the Bears. This team could win the NFC championship or lose in the first round to a 9-8 team.
“Jets QBs” edition3rd place: Aaron Rodgers, 0.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Zach Wilson, -0.96 pts — on Jeff’s bench
1st place: Trevor Siemian, -1.60 pts — on the wire
It’s never a good day when the best QB on your roster is the one on injured reserve, but it has been that kind of year for the Jets.
Wilson, who is terrible and should not be in the NFL and still somehow beat the Eagles, on Sunday completed just four passes for 26 yards and fumbled before being knocked out of the game. His replacement, Siemian, managed three turnovers in three quarters of work, posting a QB rating of 32.9 (lower than the 39.6 rating you got sitting on your couch).
The 30-0 loss to the Dolphins mercifully killed whatever remaining playoff hopes the Jets had. The franchise has now missed the playoffs for 13 consecutive years, the longest active drought in the league. When they last played in the postseason, Eagles DT Fletcher Cox wasn’t even in the NFL yet, and now he’s talking about retirement.
** If you were wondering why there were three NFL games on Saturday, CBS Sports had an explanation for you:
“The primary reason is that college football is finally subsiding. Typically, NCAA games dominate the Saturday schedule, but now that we've reached a point where only select bowl games are on the broadcast slate, the NFL is free to fill the void with games of its own.”
Just to be clear, there were only SEVEN college bowl games on Saturday, so we really needed the NFL to give us something else to entertain us. What would we do with a mere 13 hours of college games to watch?
** Sports Illustrated this week named University of Colorado football coach Deion Sanders as their sportsman of the year. “In less than a year, Sanders has not only transformed a moribund football program, he also breathed fresh life into the campus and transformed a community.”
The Buffaloes were ranked as high as #17 in the country this year … before they started having to back that ranking up on the field. The team finished 4-8, last in their conference, and with a record worse than or equal to all but one of their last seven seasons.
With those kinds of transformational skills, he’ll be back on the unemployment line in no time.
** After Sunday’s games were finished, the Eagles, 49ers and Cowboys all clinched playoff spots despite only one of those teams winning that day. When Dallas QB Dak Prescott was asked how it felt to be headed back to the postseason even though his team had just lost to the Bills, here was his response:
"I don't care, to be honest… we can check it off, but we've got other things to focus on. I've continued to tell you all in different times this is about us putting our best performances out each and every week, and today we simply didn't do that.”
If the Cowboys leaders don’t care about making the playoffs, it makes sense why they don’t stay in the postseason very long.
Week 15 standings
1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1893.74 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1847.44 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1828.91 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1796.63 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 1766.18 pts
6 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1693.62 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1678.91 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1639.78 pts
9 — Poetical Nonsense (Paul), 1558.80 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1471.42 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1448.95 pts
12 — Jabronis (Ant), 1430.54 pts
Huge news in the standings — we have a new bottom dweller! Jeff’s solid week coupled with a dismal performance by Ant (only two players in double digits) drop him to the caboose slot in the league train. Ant also missed out on 30 pts on his bench, which would have been more than enough to keep him out of last. With just three weeks left in the season, he’s in danger of being left behind in 2023 while the rest of us move on to bigger and better things.
At the other end, Jonathan’s huge week (161.69 pts) gives him a suddenly sizable cushion heading into the holiday blitz. For perspective, Dad — whose name is a constant taunt and lie at this point — scored 120.43 points and fell behind by 40 in the standings. Still, our top four are all within 100 points, a not-insurmountable total for a three-week stretch.
Sunday is Christmas Eve, Monday is Christmas, and every day is a day that the NFL wants to jam its product down your throat. There are games on Thursday, Monday, Saturday, and maybe even Sunday too. Check and get those rosters in gear.
** After Sunday’s games were finished, the Eagles, 49ers and Cowboys all clinched playoff spots despite only one of those teams winning that day. When Dallas QB Dak Prescott was asked how it felt to be headed back to the postseason even though his team had just lost to the Bills, here was his response:
"I don't care, to be honest… we can check it off, but we've got other things to focus on. I've continued to tell you all in different times this is about us putting our best performances out each and every week, and today we simply didn't do that.”
If the Cowboys leaders don’t care about making the playoffs, it makes sense why they don’t stay in the postseason very long.
Since the Eagles are playing like jokes right now, here are actual football jokes you can use to liven up the room during their next inevitable meltdown:
How did the octopus do in the football game?
— He had ten-tackles! Which is better than any of the Eagles pathetic defenders.
Where do Eagles players dance?
— At a foot ball! And not in the end zone. They forgot how to get there.
What insect is the worst football player?
— The fumble-bee. He has almost as many turnovers as Jalen Hurts.
What is harder to catch the faster you run?
— Your breath. This isn’t a problem for the Eagles offense, since they never run at the right times.
What do NFL centers wear on their feet?
— Hiking shoes! Unless it’s Jason Kelce, then it’s “mystery false start penalty” shoes.
What’s the difference between the Eagles and a dollar bill?
— You can get four quarters out of a dollar bill! Also, a dollar bill won’t consistently collapse on third and long.
How many clowns does it take to change a light bulb?
— I dunno, let’s hand one to the Eagles coaches to find out.
All too often we look at a Cowboys player and assume we know what he’s all about: He’s mean, he’s rotten, he wants to eat kids. But sometimes it’s worth taking time to unpack the true evil inside. Consider Cowboys rookie Tyrus Wheat, whose name quickly and easily anagrams into a simple revelation of his personality:
Tyrus Wheat
** Watery tush
But is it enough to stop there? Is there more to be discovered if we look at the position he plays and the inner fiber of his being?
DE Tyrus Wheat
** Dusty weather
Of course, you could have said those things about Tyrus before he began playing for the Cowboys. What about now that he has joined the NFL squad? What do the letters in his name say about him today?
Dallas DE Tyrus Wheat
** Dastardly weasel hut
And, finally, when the entire player’s title is revealed, so is the true nature of his character.
Dallas Cowboys DE Tyrus Wheat
** Yo, we watched: Bro slays adults
Let this be a reminder not to judge a book by its cover. Don’t assume you’ll hate the story when, in fact, you end up really, really hating the story.
** Dad dropped another game in our weekly picks contest to fall down 14 for the year. But that doesn’t tell the whole story.
We had nine games different this week, and Dad lost the first four of the week, dropping him to minus-17 for the season. He then reeled off four straight wins against me — including getting the Dallas loss right — before ultimately dropping the Sunday night game. Still, an impressive turnaround. He needs to average four a week from here on out to claim the title. And if he’s down 17 going into the final week, it’s all over.
** Speaking of Dad, he and I face off in the Garrity Family League playoffs this week in a Christmas throwdown. Mom upset Shelly last week and plays her again in the first round. I averaged 29.4 points a week more than Mom this year, so I have no doubt she’ll win the championship in a blowout.
** The last time the Eagles beat the Seahawks, QB Donovan McNabb threw two TD passes and CB Lito Sheppard broke up two pass plays. So, it has been a while. Eight straight losses, to be exact.
How did the octopus do in the football game?
— He had ten-tackles! Which is better than any of the Eagles pathetic defenders.
Where do Eagles players dance?
— At a foot ball! And not in the end zone. They forgot how to get there.
What insect is the worst football player?
— The fumble-bee. He has almost as many turnovers as Jalen Hurts.
What is harder to catch the faster you run?
— Your breath. This isn’t a problem for the Eagles offense, since they never run at the right times.
What do NFL centers wear on their feet?
— Hiking shoes! Unless it’s Jason Kelce, then it’s “mystery false start penalty” shoes.
What’s the difference between the Eagles and a dollar bill?
— You can get four quarters out of a dollar bill! Also, a dollar bill won’t consistently collapse on third and long.
How many clowns does it take to change a light bulb?
— I dunno, let’s hand one to the Eagles coaches to find out.
All too often we look at a Cowboys player and assume we know what he’s all about: He’s mean, he’s rotten, he wants to eat kids. But sometimes it’s worth taking time to unpack the true evil inside. Consider Cowboys rookie Tyrus Wheat, whose name quickly and easily anagrams into a simple revelation of his personality: Tyrus Wheat
** Watery tush
But is it enough to stop there? Is there more to be discovered if we look at the position he plays and the inner fiber of his being?
DE Tyrus Wheat
** Dusty weather
Of course, you could have said those things about Tyrus before he began playing for the Cowboys. What about now that he has joined the NFL squad? What do the letters in his name say about him today?
Dallas DE Tyrus Wheat
** Dastardly weasel hut
And, finally, when the entire player’s title is revealed, so is the true nature of his character.
Dallas Cowboys DE Tyrus Wheat
** Yo, we watched: Bro slays adults
Let this be a reminder not to judge a book by its cover. Don’t assume you’ll hate the story when, in fact, you end up really, really hating the story.
** Dad dropped another game in our weekly picks contest to fall down 14 for the year. But that doesn’t tell the whole story. We had nine games different this week, and Dad lost the first four of the week, dropping him to minus-17 for the season. He then reeled off four straight wins against me — including getting the Dallas loss right — before ultimately dropping the Sunday night game. Still, an impressive turnaround. He needs to average four a week from here on out to claim the title. And if he’s down 17 going into the final week, it’s all over.
** Speaking of Dad, he and I face off in the Garrity Family League playoffs this week in a Christmas throwdown. Mom upset Shelly last week and plays her again in the first round. I averaged 29.4 points a week more than Mom this year, so I have no doubt she’ll win the championship in a blowout.
** The last time the Eagles beat the Seahawks, QB Donovan McNabb threw two TD passes and CB Lito Sheppard broke up two pass plays. So, it has been a while. Eight straight losses, to be exact.
Week 15 standings 1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1893.74 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1847.44 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1828.91 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1796.63 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 1766.18 pts
6 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1693.62 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1678.91 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1639.78 pts
9 — Poetical Nonsense (Paul), 1558.80 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1471.42 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1448.95 pts
12 — Jabronis (Ant), 1430.54 pts
Huge news in the standings — we have a new bottom dweller! Jeff’s solid week coupled with a dismal performance by Ant (only two players in double digits) drop him to the caboose slot in the league train. Ant also missed out on 30 pts on his bench, which would have been more than enough to keep him out of last. With just three weeks left in the season, he’s in danger of being left behind in 2023 while the rest of us move on to bigger and better things.
At the other end, Jonathan’s huge week (161.69 pts) gives him a suddenly sizable cushion heading into the holiday blitz. For perspective, Dad — whose name is a constant taunt and lie at this point — scored 120.43 points and fell behind by 40 in the standings. Still, our top four are all within 100 points, a not-insurmountable total for a three-week stretch.
Sunday is Christmas Eve, Monday is Christmas, and every day is a day that the NFL wants to jam its product down your throat. There are games on Thursday, Monday, Saturday, and maybe even Sunday too. Check and get those rosters in gear.
1 comment:
It has come to my attention that one of the top two teams has a blemish on their roster. That blemish is actually a huge blasphemy in the presence of a Dallas Satan player. I'm not naming names but SHE needs to rectify the situation before it is too late and the dark side takes over her whole team. Also, winning the awesome cup with a devil on your team is equivalent to Barry Bonds winning the Home Run title while taking steroids. Repent now before it is too late. Dad Shane
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