Gather round, friends
For a story of ChristmasWhich over the years
Has become quite a mess
Our sad tale begins
Back in 1-9-6-8
When the NFL season
Was not going great
The Birds’ record was bad
The fans shared their boos
And the team’s home finale
Brought just more bad news
Another sad turnover
Just at the half
Left the Philly crowd
With nary a laugh
As the team hit the locker
Out came the floor show
Would they boost the fans’ spirits?
With this lineup, no.
For amid the performers
Was a sinister creep
Who entered fans' houses
While they were asleep
Is it normal for men
To steal cookies and milk?
To climb through the chimney?
To wear a red suit of silk?
His dead eyes ablaze
And a wind hard ablow
He ran on the field
To spread his weird woe
So what could the fans do
To stop his crazed folly
They scooped up some snow
And let loose a volley
Their shower of snowballs
Stopped Santa fraud
And the good folks of Philly
All stood to applaud
But was their deed lauded
By the world all about?
Of course not, you know
Beyond a shadow of doubt
Their bravery was twisted
By sick, rival fans
Who spread wicked lies
Across all the land
“They tried to hurt Santa!”
The story became
And year after year
The falsehood remained
This Christmas remember
The heroes of Philly
And the brave deeds they did
Just ignore all the silly.
When folks ask if you
Back the birds, just say yes.
And proudly proclaim
E-A-G-L-E-S.
WR: Amari Cooper, 37.17 pts — started by Sam
RB: Breece Hall, 33.90 pts — started by Bob
TE: Chigoziem Okonkwo, 13.20 pts — started by Ant
K: Jason Sanders, 22.00 pts — started by Mike
DEF: Las Vegas, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Adoree' Jackson, 11.00 pts — on the wire
The Raiders defense scored 14 points in the team’s 20-14 win over the Chiefs this week. That means their offense failed to score a TD for the second time in the last three weeks, and they are 2-1 over that stretch. The NFL continues to make zero sense.
Cooper, who has had four different QBs starting for his team this season, had a six-game stretch in November/December where he totaled 398 yds and one TD. Over his last two games, he has 374 yds and three TDs, including his 265 yds on Sunday to eliminate me from one of my paid fantasy leagues. I guess I should have figured he’d take off as soon as he had 87-year-old Joe Flacco throwing to him..
Breece Hall’s fantasy season so far: Three games over 22 fantasy pts, three games under 3.5 fantasy points. Just buckle up and hope you get lucky when you need him, I guess.
“Incompetent players” edition
4th place: Boston Scott, -1.40 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Case Keenum, -1.52 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Sam Howell, -1.76 pts — on Mom D’s bench
1st place: Deonte Harty, -1.78 pts — on the wire
It’s really, really hard to end up in negative fantasy points territory as a starting QB. Both Howell and Keenum outdid themselves, each passing for fewer than 70 yds and throwing a pair of picks. Of course, Keenum was a last-minute fill-in to cover for an injured CJ Stroud. Howell? The Commanders have advertised him as the future of their franchise. His last five starts have resulted in an average of 168 yds a game passing with two TDs and eight INTs. Might want to re-evaluate the future.
Boston Scott is so bad that he can’t even find a way to fail right. I had to add another place to my biggest losers list just to include him here.
** Speaking of that awful Commanders game, the folks on ESPN radio in their pregame show previewed it as one of the toughest games of the year to watch, given that both the Jets and Commanders had already been eliminated from the playoffs. They turned to former coach Tony Dungy just before kickoff for “reasons to watch” the contest, and he did not disappoint.
“Well, one of these teams has to win,” he said. “I mean, unless they tie. Then I guess they don’t.”
Truly, that’s the kind of insight you can only get from someone who has been on the sidelines before.
** In Monday’s matchup between the Nuggets and Warriors, F Nikola Jokic went 18-18 from the free-throw line in his team’s 120-114 victory. According to ESPN, that’s “an NBA record for free throw made in a game without a miss on Christmas.”
No, it’s not. That is not a record. Shots made on Christmas is not something that the NBA or anyone in their right mind keeps track of. Records are things like “points in a game” or “wins in a season” and not “most free throws without a miss made by a player whose last name starts with J on a winter holiday.”
FYI, this week I tied the record for blogs posted on this website on the day after Christmas, with one.
** I thought there was not a Monday night game this week, but there is. It’s just on Saturday. The Cowboys/Lions game will be a Monday Night Football special on Saturday night with no actual Monday Night game on Monday and that will never, ever not be stupid.
The Lions clinched the NFC North title this week, the first time they’ve won the division since it was reconstituted and their first division title of any sort since 1993. Here’s a quick look at exactly how long ago that was:
** Only four players on their current roster were born the last time the Lions won their division. The oldest one, Long Snapper Jake McQuaide, was in kindergarten.
** The Houston Texans, Jacksonville Jaguars, Baltimore Ravens and Carolina Panthers did not exist yet.
** QB Peyton Manning had not played a single down of college football yet.
** OJ Simpson was still a commentator for NBC.
** The Dallas Cowboys won the Super Bowl and were still a relevant franchise.
Even Cowboys players, as evil as they are, aren’t immune from the Christmas spirit. They just manifest it in different, horrible ways. Just look at the freakish, festive messages their names spell out:Dallas Cornerback Noah Igbinoghene
** Ho, ho, be nice or gangs call and break in
Dallas Cornerback Nahshon Wright
** Ho, ho, Santa chews garland. Brr, clink!
Cowboys Defensive Lineman Johnathan Hankins
** Ho ho I beat janky snowmen, elves, fans in hind can
.
Make sure to leave an extra cookie out for Santa Cowboy next Christmas Eve. And then remember to eat it before you go to bed, because you do not want Jerry Jones in a red suit breaking into your house at night.
** During the Georgia Tech/UCF bowl game, a fan in the stands was shown with a shirt that read “I just hope both teams have fun” and honestly that’s the best explanation for why there are 200 college bowl games. ** Great week for Dad, who went 4-2 in our weekly picks (cutting his deficit to 12 for the year) and soundly thumped me in the Garrity family league. Once again, I outscored every team except for the one I was playing, and that’s why I’ll end up without the championship trophy.
** I’m just saying, if ESPN.com decided to make the teaser on the Philly game “Hurts scores a Christmas TD in Eagles win” on its website, they should be obligated to make the next headline “Pacheco suffers a Christmas concussion in Chiefs loss” and not omit the holiday from that one.
Week 16 standings
1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1990.00 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1963.84 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Pop), 1938.37 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1900.34 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt Awesome), 1889.45 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1825.49 pts
7 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1811.93 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1762.78 pts
9 — The Muppets Fantasy Football (Paul), 1669.77 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1561.65 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1549.60 pts
12 — Jabronis (Ant), 1527.13 pts
Jonathan maintains his hold on first place, but his grandmother is lurking close behind. With two weeks left, it may be hard for anyone else to catch those two and challenge for the title, but that’s why we play the games.
I’d watch the Muppets Fantasy Football movie, but not Paul’s team — he’s mired in 9th place, and could still be caught by Jeff if his hot streak continues. Ant needs to rally to stay out of the basement. And Bob is caught in 8th, which is an improvement over last year and respectable for his dedication.
All of the actual Monday night football games are done for the season, but we still have a Thursday night game somehow? And there is a late game on New Year’s Eve. The NFL needs you to watch up to the very, very end of the year, I guess. Just keep an eye on those rosters.
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