Fantasy league 2015 -- week 16 recap

I’ll admit that going into Saturday’s game I had very low expectations for the local Philadelphia team.

They had been underperforming, they had a lot of pressure on them, and frankly no one with any sense was picking them to win. The offense has been too unreliable, the defense has been a complete disaster.

So, when the game started, I was actually pleased with the performance. Yes, we saw the same inconsistent play. Yes, we saw some flashes of brilliance followed by incompetence. Yes, the halftime score was only six points of separation.

But the second half showed the true character of the team. They aren’t quitters. They found themselves in a tough fight and kept churning. They made some unforgivable errors, but found a way to come back from that and still show some grit and honor in the game.

That’s why I could end Saturday night happy and content with the team’s performance.

Plus, the fact that the Sixers actually won the game was a nice bonus. They’re had so few this season, and Saturday night’s victory was at least a little hopeful, much more so than the terrible loser quitter Eagles, that’s for sure. Did you see the dreck they puked onto the field Saturday? You probably should have watched the Sixers instead.

QB: Kirk Cousins, 40.20 pts -- on the wire
WR: Brandon Marshall, 23.67 pts -- started by Sam
RB: Tim Hightower, 28.83 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Jordan Reed, 25.10 pts -- started by Jo
K: Blair Walsh, 23.00 pts -- started by Mike
DEF: Arizona, 35.00 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
D: Akeem Ayers, 13.50 pts -- on the wire

Kirk freaking Cousins. Again. I don’t know what horrible things we as a country have done to deserve Kirk freaking Cousins as a Pro-Bowl level QB, but I bet it has something to do with Trump.

And welcome to the waiver wire year of 2015. Seven of the top weekly RBs and five of the top weekly QBs were undrafted this year, including both this week. My pay league was won by someone who started Blake Bortles, Hightower, Gary Barnidge and James White, all of whom were on the waiver wire multiple weeks into the season. And he won huge too. So, again, all those experts who make a living predicting fantasy football drafts...


“RBs stink” edition

3rd place: James Starks, -0.90 pts -- on Mom Doyle’s bench
2nd place: Antonio Andrews, -1.40 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Will Tukuafu , -2.50 pts -- on the wire

Just realized the initials in their names spell out “JAW SAT,” which would probably be the start of a good joke of some sort. But instead I’ll just note that Starks and Andrews have been starters at various points this season and RBs all stink now. I mean, not like DeMarco Murray stink, but they stink.


** ESPN commentator and homicidal doll look-alike John Gruden said during Monday night’s Bengals/Broncos tilt that Cincinnati RB Jeremy Hill “is a great back if you can get him some blocks to put him into the secondary” and that Denver QB Brock Osweiler “can really throw the ball if you give him some time back there.”
Related, Gruden has a lot of great insights into football if you write them down for him to read.

** Saturday night’s game was another special Saturday edition of Thursday Night Football, in case you were worried the NFL knew how days of the week work.

** I can’t write about the Patriots OT coin toss nonsense or Cousins kneeling when he meant to spike the ball without causing myself brain damage. You’ll have to read them on your own.

In 2014, then-Cowboys RB Demarco Murray led the league in rushing and got serious consideration for league MVP. In the offseason he signed with the Eagles. How is his 2015 season going?

** Murray is on pace for 1,150 fewer rushing yards this season than last, with a pathetic 633 rushing yards through week 16.
** He is currently 28th in the league in rushing, but should pass RBs Justin Forsett and Melvin Gordon this week … because they’re both on injured reserve.
** Murray’s longest run of the year was 30 yards. Six QBs and three WRs have longer rushes than that on the season.
** He has totaled five rushing TDs this season, leaving him tied with Kirk freaking Cousins, Tampa QB Jameis Winston, and Kansas City third-string RB Spencer Ware.
** Last season, Murray earned $1.43 million, which works out to $775 per rushing yard. This year, he made $9 million, which works out to around $13,300 per rushing yard.
** Murray is on pace for 198 fewer postseason rushing yards than last year, since his team made the playoffs last year and his current team will be staying home.

Even when they’re no longer Dallas, Cowboys players still find ways to ruin your team.


The insult anagram goes through many different phases throughout the season. Take, for example, Dallas DB Deji Olatoye and the hidden messages in his name. Early in the season, the words often emerge angry but direct, as in:

Defensive back Deji Olatoye
** Evil fakes bade deceit, no joy

But as the season goes on, the evil of the Cowboys becomes more specific, more gritty and imaginative, and we see things like:

Defensive back Deji Olatoye
** Yoked javelin bisected a foe

But by season’s end, we get to the dismay and distraught torture of the never-ending vileness of the entire team’s presence:

Defensive back Deji Olatoye
** Believed nice day a soft joke

And when you string them all together by season’s end, you get beautiful odes reflecting the pure malevolence of the players and the team:

Defensive back Deji Olatoye
No joy -- Evil fakes bade deceit
Deviled joey knifes a cab toe
Yoked javelin bisected a foe
Believed nice day a soft joke
Blacked jive, safe to die, yo

Ohmigwad we’re totally doing more insult anagram poetry next season.


** Dad and I split our picks this week, leaving us tied for the season going into the final week. We haven’t been this close this late in the season since … seriously, I need a league historian already. I can’t keep track of all these random stats and references anymore.

** Speaking of random stats, looking up something completely unrelated I found an error in my week 10 post. Peyton Manning posted a dreadful -6.60 pts that week, which I said was the lowest single player total in league history. But of course it wasn’t -- Bears QB Rex Grossman had a six-turnover game in 2006 where he totaled -6.78 pts. I’d apologize for the error, but really I’m just writing this up so it’s easier to find next year when Eli has a 7 INT game.

** Buckeyes vs Notre Dame on New Year’s Day, in case you’re interested in seeing good football to start the year instead of waiting for the weekend NFL games.

** Eagles coach Chip Kelly got canned literally minutes before I posted this, so you're gonna have to wait another week for those jokes, OK?

Week 16 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 2176.92 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 2084.11 pts
3 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1884.11 pts
4 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1880.67 pts
5 -- 3rd is the new 1st (Sam) -- 1875.36 pts
6 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1867.94 pts
7 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1779.46 pts
8 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 1660.88 pts
9 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1631.31 pts
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1531.50 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 1382.22pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 1364.62 pts

Joanna pulled within double digits of first place, so I guess anything is possible…

But, in the realm of reality, the remaining fight is for the league’s bronze medal (which does not actually exist). Mike, Ant, Sam and Mom Doyle are all within 17 pts in the battle for third. All four of them also have a chance to break the 2000 pts mark and make the league look a little lexs bad. We’ve got one final week to decide if Sam’s new team name is prescient or a mockery.

Seventh place remains a lonely island unto only me. Bob and Jim are in a death match over 8th place. And Joel pulled off the surprise of the second half of the season by jumping out of last this week, courtesy of Paul’s 39.30 week. He managed to start six injured players, a WR/TE combo that totaled 4.03 pts, and a defense that accounted for 19 pts of his total. It’s the lowest weekly total in league history, and it’s worth noting that Kirk freaking Cousins alone outscored him.

Just one more week until the Awesome Cup adds another champion to its side. Finish strong. I mean, unless you're Chip Kelly and you already got fired.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 15 recap

How the Eagles can still get in the playoffs:

** Win their last two games, finish 8-8 with the tiebreaker over the (best case scenario) 8-8 Maryland Racial Slurs.
** Win this week against the Slurs, tie with the Giants the next week, have the Slurs tie or lose against the Cowboys, finish 7-8-1 with the tiebreaker over the Slurs.
** Lose their last two games, but go back in time and win those very-winnable first two games against the Slurs and Cowboys, finish 8-8 with the tiebreaker over the Slurs.
** Transfer to the AFC South, beat the Texans and the Colts in the last two weeks, finish 8-8 with the tiebreaker over the Texans.
** Transfer to the NBA, play 68 more games, play .500 ball, finish 40-42 and likely sneak in as the #8 seed in the East.
** Carry over their 8 wins this year into next season, go 5-11 as expected, claim 13 wins and a first-round bye in the January 2017 playoffs.
** Lose this week, buy Amtrak tickets to DC for next month, travel down to FedEx field and get the full playoff experience from the front row of the stands.

But I feel like option 1 is worth trying first.

QB: Cam Newton, 51.60 pts -- started by Joanna
WR: Antonio Brown, 33.60 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
RB: David Johnson, 41.50 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Jordan Reed, 21.10 pts -- started by Joanna
K: Stephen Gostkowski, 17.00 pts -- started by me
DEF: Kansas City, 23.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Marcus Peters, 13.00 pts -- started by Joanna

Ohmigawd.

Oh.
Mi.
Gawd.
…

WE STARTED THEM ALL!!!!!!

For the first time since week five of 2012 (that’s 61 fantasy weeks ago, if you’re scoring at home) our league coaches managed to field all seven of the top players of the week. Sure, Joanna had three (almost four -- RB Danny Woodhead was #2 in scoring at his position for the week) and that made things a lot easier, but I’m still so proud of you all.


“Players we own” edition

3rd place: Marcus Mariota, -0.72 pts -- on Bob’s bench
2nd place: Carolina, -2.00 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
1st place: Buffalo, -3.00 pts -- started by Joel

I have no idea how the Philly defense was worth 1 point in the end.

It’s not every day you see two of the top defenses in the league post negative points, but then again, you don’t often see 10-6 teams dismantle their entire roster so they can come back and have a losing season the next year.


** Postgame show #1: Flipping radio channels on Sunday afternoon after the Mayland Racial Slurs big win, the host on local 92.7 FM was praising the local team’s final scoring drive, which came in response to the Bills mounting a comeback. “You needed a score there, and they got one,” he said. “That’s what championship teams do.”
You’re getting a little over excited there, buddy. This was a 6-7 team beating another 6-7 team. I know first place in the NFC East is a high perch, but maybe cut back on the Super Bowl talk after you’ve won three consecutive games for the first time in three years.

** Postgame show #2: Next up was the post-mortem on the Ravens’ big loss on Sunday, where the hosts at 105.7 FM were defending new QB Jimmy Claussen. He threw two INTs, one returned for a TD, but the locals noted that “if you take those out of the mix, he played really well for someone who was at home on his couch a few weeks ago. He made some nice throws, he protected the ball, he did better than many thought.”
Yes, if you remove all of his turnovers from the conversation, then he protected the ball well. And if you remove all of the other team’s scores, he played well enough to win.

If you still need some Christmas gifts for friends and family this week, consider the following great deals over at NFL.com:

-- Tom Brady autographed football, $999: Comes already partially deflated.
-- Detroit Lions air freshener, $4: It smells like losing. And cinnamon.
-- Demarco Murray signed poster, $110: Even in the photo, he looks like he’s running slow.
-- Super Bowl 40 autographed helmet, $12,000: Great for the budget buyer who doesn’t want to collect all those individual signatures.
-- Tim Tebow Eagles jersey, $45: No game-worn ones available, for some reason.
-- Falcons game-used seat cufflinks, $200: Seriously, though, these are just ugly leather buttons.


Thanks to the terribleness of the NFC East, the 4-9 Cowboys still had a chance of making the post-season this year … until Saturday night, when they lost 19-16 to the New Jersey Jets. That marks the end of their consecutive playoff appearances at one year, and brings a little more joy to this Christmas season. Consider:

The Cowboys are eliminated from the playoffs
** Oh, obit time: Hype flame off, world can rest easy

For the record, it’s still four more wins than I would have preferred.


** Boom! Went 3-1 against Dad this week, which means … hold on, let me get out the calculator … carry the one … multiply by 24 … we are dead even for the season at 143-81. That’s a 64% prediction percentage. And to think our blood feud will be settled by just a game or two...

** Second year in a row that a week 15 Eagles loss not only ruined my Sunday but also ended my fantasy football season in the pay league. Last year it was because Jeremy Maclin fell down at the one-yard line instead of scoring a TD -- I lost by 1 pt. This year, my opponent had the Cardinals defense and ot 14 pts off Eagles turnovers and that pick six -- I lost by 10. Combined, the Eagles’ ineptness has cost me at least $200. Love this team so much...

Week 15 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 2038.26 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1928.50 pts
3 -- 3rd is the new 1st (Sam) -- 1764.98 pts
4 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1764.97 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1753.14 pts
6 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1736.85 pts
7 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1663.44 pts
8 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1568.97 pts
9 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 1540.54 pts
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1452.23 pts
11 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 1324.82 pts
12 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 1298.38 pts

A few important notes:

-- There were no position changes this week. None. Zero.
-- Joanna had the best week of the year, with 185.81 pts … and picked up fewer than 3 pts in the standings on Dad. So, yeah.
-- The battle for third place is separated by 0.01 pts right now. Seriously. That’s awesome. And Sam even changed his name to explain how exciting that race is.
-- There’s almost no chance I end up anywhere other than 7th, so, meh.
-- Last year, nine teams broke 2000 pts for the season. This year, there’s a chance only two do. And, before someone points it out, the last time we had 12 teams (2012), 10 of them broke 2000 pts. So, yeah, this year sucks.

Just two weeks left in the grind. Keep putting out your best effort. Don’t be an Eagles defender.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 14 recap

With the Eagles, Giants and Maryland Racial Slurs winning this weekend, the NFC East is guaranteed to have at least a 7-9 team (and probably an 8-8 team) win the division and get into the playoffs. That’s still terrible, because even an 8-8 team would steal a deserving playoff spot from … well, no one, actually. Consider:

-- The Panthers (13-0), Cardinals (11-2) and Packers (9-4) should all win their divisions.
-- The Seahawks (8-5) and Vikings (8-5) are in line for the two wild card spots.
-- The next best teams outside the NFC East are the Bucs and Falcons, both at 6-7.
-- Four other NFC East teams could finish 8-8 if they win their last three.

In the AFC, it looks like one “worthy” team among the 8-5 Chiefs, Jets and Steelers could end up missing the playoffs, but their beef isn’t with the NFC East but instead with the AFC South, which has two teams leading that division with 6-7 records (Texans and Colts).

In summary, everybody sucks this season.

QB: Russell Wilson, 42.78 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
WR: Odell Beckham, 26.57 pts -- started by Dad
RB: Isaiah Crowell, 27.60 pts -- on the wire
TE: Jordan Reed, 19.00 pts -- started by Joanna
K: Chris Boswell, 18.00 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
DEF: Carolina, 28.00 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
D: Andre Branch, 16.50 pts -- on the wire

Special shout-out to the second place defensive player, Oakland LB Khalil Mack, who had 15.00 pts after five sacks and a forced fumble. For the record, the Falcons only have 15 sacks on the year.

Also, this is the third time in the last four weeks Jeff has had the top kicker of the week on his team. And it’s the second week in a row where he didn’t start him. Not great coaching there. Then again, he’s carrying two kickers on his team, so we’re already at the point of poor coaching...


“Skill players” edition

3rd place: Charlie Whitehurst, -1.48 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Sean Renfree, -1.56 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Glenn Winston, -2.88 pts -- on the wire

I love it when the top performer and the worst performer at a position are from the same team. Cleveland RB Crowell has 145 yds and 2 TDs in his team’s win over the 49ers. Cleveland backup RB Winston had one carry for -8 yds and he fumbled. So his day was not as good.


** Tostitos is currently running a “Party like a Pro” promotion where customer can win food and TVs and stuff. Fine, whatever. But their online ads encourage interested participants to search for “Tostitos PLAP” to get more information. And the last time I had a bad case of Tostitos Plap, the pictures were not something you wanted to search for.

** Natinals OF and reigning NL MVP Bryce Harper this week said he hopes that next year “everybody counts us out so we can prove everybody wrong.” Several problems with this:
-- Everybody called you a World Series contender last year, so you already proved them all wrong.
-- I’ve got bad news if the only way you can motivate yourself is to think everyone is against you: You won the MVP. No one thinks you’re an underdog anymore.
-- It’s December. Why is anyone talking to the Natinals?

With just three weeks left in the season, it’s a good time to look back at our first round draft picks and see how they did. After all, the fantasy football experts had all of our top 10 picks in their top dozen or so, and they’re usually right, right?

#1 -- Adrian Peterson (currently the #1 RB)
** Great work! Exactly how this is supposed to go.

#2 -- Marshawn Lynch (currently the #50 RB)
** Ouch. But, injuries happen. Can’t bash them for that.

#3 -- Andrew Luck (currently the #27 QB)
** Oof, two in a row. Still, two is not a trend.

#4 -- Jamaal Charles (currently the #42 RB)
** OK, but who could have predicted a Charles injury?

#5 -- Eddie Lacy (currently the #27 RB)
** And he’s the second-best RB on his own team.

#6 -- Le’Veon Bell (currently the #35 RB)
** Injuries happen … a lot, I guess.

#7 -- Antonio Brown (currently the #1 WR)
** See! I told you they knew what they were talking about.

#8 -- Dez Bryant (currently the #81 WR)
** But the second best WR Bryant in the league.

#9 -- Odell Beckham (currently the #5 WR)
** Win? That seems like a win.

#10 -- Jeremy Hill (currently the #21 RB)
** I keep telling you that injuries … wait, he wasn’t hurt at all?

So, um, yeah. Fantasy experts are idiots.


The Cowboys have been ruined all year by poor QB performance, lackluster RB work and all-around shoddy offensive play. Of course, none of this comes as a surprise to their defense, who saw the signs of this way back in training camp. Consider their new outside linebacker’s hidden letter message:

Dallas outside linebacker Andrew Gachkar
** A creaked roar dies: We suck at ball handling

If they had addressed it in the summer, maybe the team wouldn’t be 4-9 and … two games out of first place. Ugh.


** Dad went 0-3 in his non-NFC East picks this week and 2-0 in his NFC East picks. Giants and Slurs, man. They’re killing me. I did manage to pick up one in our year-long showdown, leaving me two down with three weeks to go. But the Dolphins could have put me even with him...

** Noted by G this week: There are four AFC East teams -- Patriots (10-2), Jets (8-5), Bills (6-7) and the last-place Dolphins (6-7). Guess which one is the only one the Eagles couldn’t beat. Yeah, the last place one. Ugh.

Week 14 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1855.27 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1742.69 pts
3 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 1651.26 pts
4 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1624.32 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1632.55 pts
6 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1578.48 pts
7 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1531.70 pts
8 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1478.04 pts
9 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 1428.14 pts
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1367.52 pts
11 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 1251.06 pts
12 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 1228.02 pts

I finally made a move to within shouting distance of the top half of this league, but I made the playoffs in my money league, so I can’t even hear your taunting from way over there.

It briefly looked like Joanna had made a real advance on Dad, pulling to within 78 pts of first … until the Monday night game featured 30-plus combined pts from Beckham and Giants K Josh Brown. So Dad remains on cruise control for another championship, with one big caveat: He’s looking at possibly the lowest ever score for an Awesome Cup champion (in the 13 years we’ve been under the current scoring setup).

Right now the Monsters are on pace for just over 2,200 pts, within a short throw of the record-low 2008 championship total of 2123.83 pts set by Mike. The record high, since you asked, is 2,603.94 pts, set by Sam in 2013. He averaged more than 150 pts a week and could not name a single player on his team besides Cam Newton. So, yeah, fantasy football is kind of infuriating.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 13 recap

 

Ways the Eagles surprise victory over the Eagles ... err, Patriots ... is better than you think:

** The Patriots lost back-to-back games for the first time in three years, and their second home game in their last 24 in Foxboro.
** We now know the proper levels to inflate footballs for the Eagles special teams.
** The loss could cost New England a first-round bye in the playoffs -- right now, the Bengals and Dolphins are tied with the same record and ahead on tiebreakers.
** Sunday’s game featured a blocked kick returned for a TD, a punt return TD and an interception returned for a TD, only the third time that has happened in a game. The Eagles had the other two too.
** QB Tom Brady’s multiple INTs and mixed play may have taken him out of the MVP race (provided Panthers QB Cam Newton doesn’t have a similar falter).
** For just one week, you get to forget just how dysfunctional the Eagles are.

QB: Cam Newton, 46.64 pts -- started by Jo
WR: Allen Robinson, 33.20 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Javorius Allen, 25.93 pts -- started by me
TE: Richard Rodgers, 19.73 pts -- started by Sam
K: Chris Boswell, 16.50 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
DEF: Philadelphia, 28.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Stephone Anthony, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

I tried to figure out the last time we started all the top performers in a given week, and then I gave up after going through the last two years of recaps. I need a better archivist on staff. Next year’s league dues are gonna be about $5,000 each, try and set that aside as soon as possible thanks.


“General malaise” edition

3rd place: Jacoby Jones, -1.62 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Indianapolis, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Cleveland, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

For the season, only seven players are below zero in fantasy pts. Two of the top three play for those struggling New England Patriots: WR Chris Harper, -1.66 pts, and QB Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.50 pts. Harper could catch a couple of passes and erase that, but there probably isn’t much chance that Brady is every going to let Garoppolo see the field again, as his desire to burn his enemies to the ground only rises each week.


** Just 20 minutes into the Eagles/Patriots game, Chip Kelly’s crew had already amassed 89 penalty yards, including a handful of preventable procedural errors. FOX commentator Charles Davis explained that often happens “when a team has been playing really poorly, so they come out with too much emotion, they start pressing, and then you see those mistakes.”

Or -- and this is just a thought -- maybe it’s a sign that a team is still playing poorly.

** The Washington Post’s recap of the game mentioned that the Patriots offense was missing TE Rob Gronkowski, WR Julian Edelman, and RB Dion James. I have no idea how the writer remembered how to spell Gronkowski and Edelman but screwed up Dion Lewis’ last name.

** NFL.com had a story this week about the “atrocious” NFC East, a division that boasts a combined 19-29 record, no teams over .500 and zero teams with a positive point differential on the year.

Whoops, sorry. I pulled the AFC South stats there. But I’m sure the NFC East is the worst in the history of football still.

It’s nearly college bowl season again, so now is a good time to look at what the NFL postseason would be like if the NCAA got to oversee it:

The E-trade “ridiculous expectations” Bowl -- Cowboys vs. Chargers
-- Two terrible teams that experts picked to play late into January square off. Tony Romo starts the game, throws three picks and is hurt, and the announcers spend the next two hours talking about how great Dallas would be if he was healthy.

The Halls Cough Drops “choking dogs” Bowl -- Giants vs. Ravens
-- Every one of 4-8 Baltimore’s games has been decided by 8 pts or less. The 5-7 Giants have lost five games where they led in the 4th quarter. Amazingly, this ends in a tie.

The Oregon Board of Tourism “Oregon” Bowl -- Eagles vs. Titans
-- Every former Ducks player in the NFL now plays for Chip Kelly, except the one he really wanted: Tennessee QB Marcus Mariota. Though both sides are armed with his innovative, fast-paced, genius offense, Kelly’s Eagles win a close one, 6-3.

The Tostitos “fiesta” Bowl -- Steelers vs. Cardinals
-- No explanation given for this matchup, but it’s the one game people actually want to watch because it features two equally good opponents.

The National Championship bracket:
Patriots vs. Bengals
Panthers vs. Alabama
-- Denver gets shut out despite being the best team in the league because committee members decide their conference doesn’t have enough football history. Alabama is favored over undefeated Carolina because they know football better than you silly fans.


It has been a long season for the terrible, terrible Cowboys, and none are taking the constant chaos harder than the offensive linemen. Consider how they’d classify the team as it’s currently constituted:

Cowboys rookie O-lineman Chaz Green
** Becoming a zoo here -- only wackier, son

Cowboys O-Guard Mackenzy Bernadeau
** Arena byway mucus -- bad dreck gone zoo

Dallas Cowboys O-Guard Zack Martin
** Silly drama, card swung back to a zoo

And that’s a weird way to describe the team, until you realize what kind of help they have blocking:

Cowboys Dallas rookie Tight end Geoff Swaim
** I’m a giraffe! Wild goats! Hens! Elk! Sod cow booty!

It’s sad to see such evil people lapse into insanity.


** Went 1-1 against Dad, which leaves me three back. Stinking 49ers and Bears. Chicago misses a short field goal in regulation and lets up a 71-yard TD in overtime, or else I’d only be once back. This league...

** Ohio State squares off against Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl on New Year’s Day, which will be 10 years since Ohio State squared off against Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl in 2006 (and won 34-20). Because college football is running out of ideas, I guess.

** Of course the week I praise Temple football for being the only good thing in Philly sports they get crushed in their conference championship game. That’s on me, my apologies.

Week 13 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1732.32 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1615.44 pts
3 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 1529.23 pts
4 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1522.21 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1507.11 pts
6 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1465.90 pts
7 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1393.97 pts
8 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1389.23 pts
9 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1331.75 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 1322.12 pts
11 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 1191.74 pts
12 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 1137.25 pts

Dad widened his lead again. With just four weeks left to go, it’ll take a miracle push from Joanna to overtake him … or for any of the third-place contenders to overtake her. Bronze medal seems to be the most competitive spot in the league, with three legit contenders and a fourth lurking. Also, it’s a tight race for 7th place, which I believe is a tin medal.

Get ready, folks, because this stretch run is where the playoffs are decided (please note: There are still no playoffs in this league).

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 12 recap

How the 4-7 Eagles could win the NFC East with a record of 6-10:

** The Eagles lose to the Patriots, Bills, and Cardinals to drop to 4-10.
** Then the Eagles win their last two games over the Maryland Racial Slurs and Giants.
** The Slurs also lose three of their other four games: the Bears, Bills, and Cowboys twice.
** The Giants also lose three of their other four games: the Jets, Dolphins, Panthers and Vikings.
** The Cowboys beat the Slurs twice but lose two of their other three games: the Jets, Packers and Bills.

If that happens, the division would be a four-way tie at 6-10, with the Eagles winning the first tiebreaker with a 4-2 division record.

And if you think that’s a ridiculous scenario, let me remind you that the Giants and Slurs are tied for the division lead at 5-6 right now.

QB: Russell Wilson, 45.20 pts -- on Mom Doyle’s bench
WR: Doug Baldwin, 30.67 pts -- on Bob’s bench
RB: Adrian Peterson, 30.73 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Julius Thomas, 18.23 pts -- started by Jim
K: Graham Gano, 19.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Carolina, 23.00 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
D: Ezekiel Ansah, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

Lions QB Matt Stafford missed out on this list by less than 0.5 pts and WR Calvin Johnson by less than 3, which would have put three Lions in the top performers list. It’s almost as if they played a completely lifeless opponent on Thanksgiving.


“Crappy players” edition

3rd place: Chris Harper, -1.66 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Tony Romo, -1.76 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Landry Jones, -2.64 pts -- on the wire

The Eagles did all they could to ruin football on Thanksgiving this year, turning in a remarkably terrible performance in the early game. But even they couldn’t overshadow the joyous, comically uplifting line that Cowboys QB Tony Romo turned in during the 4pm game before he exited with an injury.

Romo was 11 of 21 for 105 yards with three interceptions, zero TDs to his team and two to Carolina defenders. The 17 points off turnovers were actually just one more point than the Panthers offense got on its own in their 33-14 drubbing of Dallas.

Romo boasted a 27.0 QB rating … if you assume he was playing for the Cowboys. But, if you assume he was actually aiming for Carolina players, then his stat line becomes 3 of 21 for 85 yards with 11 interceptions and two TDs, a QB rating of 36.1. Romo was 33 percent better as a second Panthers QB than he was as a Cowboys signal caller.

Of course, it’s worth noting that former Cowboys QB Troy Aikman, who did not play on Sunday, had a QB rating of 39.6 (zero of 1 for zero yards). So Romo would have been a better QB if he had never taken the field.

And, with all that in mind, Steelers backup QB Jones and the Philly defense (-4.00 pts) were still worse than Romo in fantasy scoring.


** During a Fox pregame show interview Sunday, Cardinals S Tyrann Mathieu recounted the mistakes he has made in his life (read: legal issues) but said he has no regrets. “You have to fall down if you want to get back up,” he said.

While I appreciate the determination, a much better plan is not to fall down in the first place. Football players usually have a goal of moving forward, not getting tackled behind the line of scrimmage so they can try again on second down.

** On Monday night’s halftime show, ESPN blowhard Chris Berman referred to the Browns QB as “Josh ‘tears of’ McCown” and I laughed because it’s still 1999 and I recently suffered severe brain damage.

** Eagles coach Chip Kelly this week denied rumors that he was in discussions for the open USC job because gawd forbid somebody think he is wanted somewhere.

This weekend, hosts on WIP in Philadelphia were asking caller what they thought they’d be thankful for in local sports next year, with the explanation that there isn’t anything to be thankful for sports-wise in 2015.

But that’s a false premise. There were plenty of things to celebrate this year in Philly sports. Just consider:

** Temple football has been surprisingly awesome.
** The Phillies, picked by many to lose 100 games, did not. (Just 99)
** The Eagles did beat Dallas. (One out of two tries).
** The Flyers may have reliable set of goalies. (But everyone else stinks.)
** Temple football has been surprisingly awesome.
** The 76ers have not been relegated to the minor leagues. (Yet.)
** The Philly Soul made it to the conference championship. (Where they were upset).
** Temple football has been surprisingly awesome.
** The 76ers haven’t accidentally killed any fans. (Yet).
** Temple football has been surprisingly awesome.

Not included in the above list is the Temple football team, which plays for the AAC conference title this Saturday. So there’s plenty of good news on the field still.

(But seriously this is the worst sports year anywhere ever.)


Rumor has it with Romo’s latest injury, the Cowboys may be forced to turn to their practice squad QB Kellen Moore in coming weeks just to field a team. What does the unknown signal caller’s name say about the rotating cast of quarterbacks?

Fourth-string passer Kellen Moore
** Gluts of morons. Their peers rankle.

Hold on, a second, that sounds familiar. Who is he replacing again?

Tony Romo
** Toy moron

I thought so. In fact, if you look the other QBs the Cowboys have started this year…

Cowboys signal caller Matt Cassell
** Classy, swell belts -- A galactic moron

Cowboys replacement passer Brandon Weeden
** Scene be morons, a pretend bad screenplay. Wow

Huh. I think I found your problem. Maybe stop hiring morons?


** Went 1-2 against Dad in the picks this week, so my descent continues. I’m down three on the year to him now, with only five weeks left to stage a comeback. The good news is I can still win the NFC East.

** Now that Thanksgiving is over, the NFL can stop it’s pointless Thursday night games and just go back to … Ha! just kidding. The Packers and Lions play Thursday, because both played last Thursday, and the NFL still hates you.

** Hahaha the Patriots lost in overtime to a novice QB an now they're gonna destroy the Eagles by 70 uuuuggghhh.

Week 12 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1562.59 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1462.02 pts
3 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1418.78 pts
4 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1399.63 pts
5 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 1389.02 pts
6 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1343.62 pts
7 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1269.54 pts
8 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1261.80 pts
9 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1214.00 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 1202.01 pts
11 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 1106.80 pts
12 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 1095.36 pts

I had my best week of the year and fell one spot in the standings. Wonderful.

The big mover again this week was Anthony, who has drug his team up to third place and within shouting distance of the top spot. Joanna almost closed the gap between first and second within 100 pts (one more catch would have done it) thanks to a mediocre week by Dad. And Mom Doyle finished last this week, which serves her right for trusting Eli Manning.

December football is where legends are born -- get your team ready for the stretch run.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 11 recap

 

I got a chance to catch the Eagles game in person courtesy of our unofficial 13th league coach, G (who hates fantasy but reads this recap religiously). The 45-17 drubbing was dreadful, but the company was spectacular. Here are the top five moments of the last six minutes of the game, where G’s reaction was priceless entertainment, albeit because his soul was collapsing:

** The field goal: Down 38-14, with 5:15 left in the game, the Eagles were faced with a 4th and 7 at the 25 yard line. Chip Kelly opted for a 42-yard field goal. G screamed. “Why would you do that!” Then he added, in a much calmer tone, “although, Caleb Sturgis does need practice.”

** The timeouts: On the ensuing series, the Bucs ran three running plays, with and Eagles timeout after each one. “Just let us go already,” G pleaded. “What do you think you’re going to accomplish? Even Tampa wants to leave.”

** The pick six: On the next series, with four minutes left, Bucs LB Lavonte David snagged a lazy swing pass from Mark Sanchez and returned it for a TD. G barely looked up. “I mean, I got nothing for that,” he muttered.

** The punt: The Eagles got the ensuing kickoff, took the ball down to midfield, then punted on 4th and four. “Because you want them to kneel closer to the end zone?” Chris asked. “Maybe they just want to make them run farther to get to the locker room.”

** The final whistle: As time expired, G stood up, looked across the aisle, and found a five-year-old boy getting ready to leave. “Look at how cute that kid is,” he said. Then he turned toward the field. “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO THIS CUTE KID?!?”

QB: Cam Newton, 41.44 pts -- started by Jo
WR: DeAndre Hopkins, 22.37 pts -- started by Sam
RB: Thomas Rawls, 37.47 pts -- on the wire
TE: Kyle Rudolph, 16.07 pts -- started by Bob
K: Mason Crosby, 22.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: Kansas City, 23.00 pts -- on the wire
D: D'Qwell Jackson, 15.50 pts -- on the wire

Getting closer, I guess. At least no one left a top performer on their bench.

Not on the list: Tampa Bay’s QB Jameis Winston, who threw five touchdowns in Philly on Sunday, and Tampa Bay’s RB Doug Martin, who ran for 235 yards on Sunday. Not bad for a team that had lost 14 of its previous 20 games.


“Mike” edition

3rd place: Blair Walsh, 1.00 pts -- started by Mike
2nd place: Matt Jones, -0.20 pts -- started by Mike
1st place: Philadelphia, -3.00 pts -- started by Mike

Not to pick on Mike (OK, to pick on Mike a little) but he had the misfortune of starting the only defense in the NFL this week that scored negative points, and one of two running backs in the league that scored under zero. But on the plus side for him, that Philly D gave up 235 rushing yards to his other RB, Doug Martin, so it kind of evens out.


** At the start of the Ohio State game, the announcers on ESPN radio said that since Michigan State’s starting QB was out, “The Spartans are going to have to dominate in the trenches on offense and defense.”

Because, you know, if your starting QB is in, you don’t have to worry about protecting him or sacking the other QB.

** Near the end of the Monday Night Football game, ESPN’s two announcers had this exchange:

Mike Tirico: John, do you love football?
John Gruden: I do!
Tirico: Well, we’re gonna test that. Ravens vs. Browns, next Monday night on ESPN!

I might have to start giving out a weekly award for brutal honesty in commentary.

** The Patriots would have homefield advantage throughout the AFC bracket. The Panthers would have it in the NFC.
** The Giants, Colts and Chiefs would both be in the post-season, despite .500 records.
** The Packers would lose about $6 million in revenue due to the loss of three home games.
** The Pac 12 would have to cancel its championship game to allow for the Super Bowl site to be prepped six weeks earlier than planned.
** Injuries would skyrocket for the first-round teams who had to play games just two days ago.
** The Super Bowl would be played on Jan. 2, in direct conflict with college football playoff games.
** The NFL would lose millions in rushed playoff ticket sales, and play games before half-filled stadiums due to the inability to mail enough paperwork out.
** New England would still cheat, probably.


Dallas has had a steady rotation of different running backs this season, each one bringing a slightly different brand of poisonous hatred to the field. First-year player Rod Smith has only rushed the ball twice on season, but that lack of activity disguises the intense evil he hides. Consider what’s hidden in his name:

Dallas Rookie RB Rod Smith
** Roll more bad riots, kids. Ha!

It’s bad enough to incite mob violence, but then to laugh about it...


** And just like that, there goes my lead. Three weeks ago I was up three games on my father in the weekly picks. Thanks to dropping two more on Sunday, I’m down two on the year. Usually you don’t see points given up that quickly unless you’re at Lincoln Financial Field...

** Seattle RB Marshawn Lynch is in Philadelphia this week to see an abdominal specialist about a nagging injury. Any chance we can just keep him here and send DeMarco Murray back to the Seahawks, see if they don’t catch the difference until the end of the season?

** Philly teams are 4-22 in November, in case you’re keeping score at home. And the Flyers have three of those wins.

Week 11 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1457.81 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1334.13 pts
3 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1313.29 pts
4 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 1301.01 pts
5 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1282.80 pts
6 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1254.26 pts
7 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1125.41 pts
8 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1125.18 pts
9 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1110.40 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 1101.80 pts
11 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 1007.32 pts
12 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 1001.06 pts

Big move by Anthony to get into the top five, even bigger move by Paul to get out of the bottom spot. I did not see that coming.

We finally have a very clear gap at the league’s 50-yard line. Everyone in the top six is within theoretical distance of winning, everyone below #7 would need some type of miracle to even get in the top half. On the positive side, everyone in the league is over the 1000-pts barrier for the season, so we don’t have to relegate anyone to the minors before Thanksgiving.

Speaking of Thanksgiving … Eagles at 1230, Cowboys at 4, and somebody else at 8ish. If you don’t watch all the games, you’re dishonoring the spirits of all the Pilgrims who fought at Pearl Harbor to free the NFL from the Romans, or something.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 10 recap

In news that surprises absolutely no one, Eagles QB Sam Bradford suffered another serious leg injury in the team’s second game and is expected to miss the rest of the regular season.

-- Wait, my apologies, I wrote that before the season started. Let me update it.

In news that surprises absolutely no one, Eagles QB Sam Bradford suffered a concussion in the team’s second game and is expected to miss the rest of the regular season.

-- Hold on, he lasted until week 10? That is actually fairly surprising.

In a surprising turn of events, often-injured Eagles QB Sam Bradford made it 10 weeks into the season before suffering a concussion that will force him to miss the rest of the regular season.

-- He’s not out for the season!?!? Two weeks, and maybe less? Are you sure we’re talking about Bradford?

In a surprising turn of events, often-injured Eagles QB Sam Bradford made it 10 weeks into the season before suffering a concussion that will force him to miss a pair of upcoming games.
He is expected to return fully healthy in December, and he will resume his starting role despite playing like a frightened, previously-mauled gazelle for the first half of the season.

-- Yeah, OK, I think we’ve got it now.

QB: Kirk Cousins, 36.96 pts -- on the waiver wire
WR: Antonio Brown, 28.27 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
RB: Jeremy Langford, 30.07 pts -- on Jim’s bench
TE: Zach Miller, 21.63 pts -- on the waiver wire
K: Cairo Santos, 21.00 pts -- on the waiver wire
DEF: Kansas City, 21.00 pts -- on the waiver wire
D: Walter Thurmond, 12.50 pts -- on the waiver wire

At this point, I feel like we should all go in with the goal of not starting any top performers, because we’ve done pretty terrible of late.

Then again, if I knew Cousins would be the top performer more times this season (twice) than Tom Brady (once), I probably would have given up on this nonsense weeks ago. On a personal level, I’m thrilled to see the Bears backup RB and backup TE among the top scorers while the starting TE and RB totaled fewer than 4 pts combined for my team.


“Oh my gawd” edition

3rd place: Marc Mariani, -0..70 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Jeremy Ross, -0.92 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Peyton Manning, -6.60 pts -- on Joel’s bench

Ohmigawd.

Oh. Mi. Gawd.

Peyton Manning completed five passes for 35 yards and had five turnovers (4 INTs and a lost fumble) in Sunday’s loss to the Chiefs, posting a 0.0 QB rating and the lowest player score we’ve ever seen in league history. And he did it on a day where he set the all-time passing yards mark for the league.

I really don’t have words for how terrible a performance this was. It’s the first 0.0 QB rating in the NFL in eight years (Anybody remember Chris Redman?) and gives the Manning family the trifecta of misery, with Eli posting zeros in 2004 and Archie in 1974. Literally everyone you know, in professional football or outside of it, had a better QB rating than Peyton on Sunday.

Sunday’s turnovers give Peyton an incredible 17 INTs in nine games, putting him on pace for 30 on the season, which would be a Manning family record. The current family record is 28, held by Peyton. I know, I would have guess Eli too.


** The Packers on Sunday attempted a late two-point conversion to pull even with the Lions. As Green Bay lined up for the try, Fox analyst Troy Aikman assured the viewing audience that “Whatever play the Packers have, I guarantee you it’s something they have practiced and worked on.”

That’s a bold move, going with a play you know in a key situation instead of one you’ve never tried before.

** Bob Costas, on Sunday night, delivered this gem to the NBC audience at halftime: “The last time Seattle trailed by 15 or more at the half was the NFC Championship game against the Packers. They went on to win that game and head to the Super Bowl. That likely has no bearing on tonight’s contest, so I’ll send it to the studio.”

I mean, at least he acknowledged it was a dumb reference...

Every year, Sports Illustrated picks their “sportsman of the year” to honor the top player across all athletics. So far this year, they’ve offered columns on three nominees publicly: Women’s soccer player Carli Lloyd, men’s soccer player Lionel Messi, and horse American Pharoah.

Let’s assume for a second that SI is incredibly sexist and still goes with the “male preferred” system of descriptors. Lloyd seems like she could be sportsman/sportsperson of the year because of the impact of the U.S. women’s soccer team this summer. Messi is a global superstar and could bring international clout to the sportsman award.

American Pharoah is a horse. It is not a sportsman, or a sportswoman, or a sportsperson. It is a horse. It cannot win this honor.

If they had called it “athlete of the year,” then maybe. It would still be a terrible pick, because we don’t give athlete of the year to Jeff Gordon’s car, but whatever. It would be a bad but grammatically correct pick.

But a horse cannot be sportsMAN of the year. That reward has to be reserved for a human. Has to. If we’re giving sportsMAN awards to non-humans, I nominate Wrigley Field. Tell me that place hasn’t contributed more to baseball over the years than any other park. It’s as much a man as a horse is.

American Pharoah cannot win this award. And there is no doubt in my mind SI will give it to the non-human horse, because words have no meaning anymore.


At 2-7, nothing is going right for the Cowboys, and it’s starting to wear on the players. Consider rookie TE Geoff Swaim -- that guy has really started beating up himself over the team’s poor play. Just look at the secrets his name is hiding:

Dallas Cowboys TE Geoff Swaim
** I sow gaffes, team claws bloody

Awww, I’m sure it’s not that bad, buddy. It can’t all be your fault.

Dallas Cowboys TE Geoff Swaim
** Feats of bad, I go yell scams. Wow.

C’mon, you’re being too hard on yourself.

Dallas Cowboys TE Geoff Swaim
** Scowl motifs: Go away bad feels

Awwww, you almost feel bad for the evil little guy.


** Much like the Eagles, I don’t like hanging on to a comfortable lead. I dropped two games to Dad this week to pull us even in our weekly picks. It’s worth noting that even after a terrible 5-9 week, we’re both still picking games with a .650 batting average.

** Finally, after three months of waiting, we’re exiting Ohio State’s pre-season football schedule and beginning the games that matter. They’re played zero ranked teams so far, but if they want to win a second consecutive national championship, they’ll have to defeat five top-25 teams in a row over the next two months. The fun starts Sunday against Michigan State.

** Rams QB Nick Foles got benched on Monday for backup Case Keenum, so I guess nobody got the better of that Bradford trade. Except the Rams got a second round pick out of it too. Dammit.

Week 10 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1373.47 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1239.26 pts
3 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1194.90 pts
4 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 1180.97 pts
5 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1170.70 pts
6 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1157.51 pts
7 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1047.60 pts
8 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1022.18 pts
9 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1013.52 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 961.99 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 947.58 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 920.11 pts

The more things change...

Another week, and barely any movement on the scoreboard. Dad remains comfortably in first, Sam is sneaking up into relevance, and I’m prepping to challenge the league waiver wire moves record of 43 (set by Dad).

Only seven more weeks of this, folks. You’ve got two more months to get it right or else you have to wait another year.