Fantasy league 2020 -- week 7 recap

How the first-place Philadelphia Eagles can clinch the NFC East with the fewest wins possible:

— The Eagles beat Dallas next week, then lose all of the rest of their games except the finale against the Maryland Football Team.
— The Maryland team beats the New Jersey Giants next week and the Cowboys on Thanksgiving, but loses the rest of their games.
— The New Jersey Giants beat the Eagles and the Cowboys, but lose the rest of their games for the season.
— The Cowboys split their two remaining games with the Eagles but cannot find any other wins on the season.

That leaves the final NFC East standings like this:
** Philly, 4-11-1 (3-3 in division)
** Maryland, 4-12 (4-2 in division)
** New Jersey, 4-12 (3-3 in division)
** Dallas, 3-13 (2-4 in division)

The Eagles, 6.5 games under .500, would then host a playoff game, because 2020.

Magic number is two, folks.

QB: Tom Brady, 44.86 pts — started by Mike 

WR: Tyler Lockett, 39.01 pts — on Paul’s bench
RB: Jeff Wilson, 30.73 pts — on the wire
TE: Harrison Bryant, 17.73 pts — on the wire
K: Tyler Bass, 23.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Kansas City, 25.00 pts — started by Dad
D: Devin White, 12.50 pts — on the wire

Mike gets the distinction of being the first manager ever to get three different starting QBs in the top performers list in a season, and he did it in just seven games. Brady’s beat down of the Las Vegas leftovers on Sunday was the best of eight different QB performances that topped 30 pts this week (including Eagles QB Carson Wentz, with 31.76 pts)

Tyler Bass’ strong performance (six FGs in a 18-10 Bills win over the Jets) is a solid reminder that drafting kickers early is a bad, dumb, and potentially un-American draft strategy. Of the top 12 kickers on the year right now, only five are owned. Two of them are on Jo’s squad, who was working to keep Rodrigo Blankenship off the waiver wire, not because he’s too good of an investment to give up (tied for first among all kickers) but because his name is too much fun to say each week. And that’s a good reason to invest roster space in a kicker.

“Wow” edition

3rd place: CeeDee Lamb, 0.10 pts — started by Jeff
2nd place: Cam Newton, -0.18 pts — on Jo’s bench
1st place: Seattle, -2.00 pts — on Mom D’s bench

The Seattle defense has had a lot of problems this season, but to see the historically solid defensive squad in negative points qualifies as a big surprise.

But it’s probably not as big of a shock as Newton and Lamb, both of whom had been reliable fantasy performers until this week. Lamb hadn’t recorded fewer than 59 receiving yds in a game this year before Sunday’s zero catch, one rushing yd performance. On a day of impressive Dallas failures, his was among the grandest.

But Newtown may have outshined him. The former league MVP came into the game with four interceptions on the season but added three more in just three quarters of work on Sunday. He’s 1-3 in his last four starts and has helped lead New England to an eye-pleasing 2-4 start. He also was the first Patriot to contract the coronavirus and may have helped spread the illness throughout the locker room. He appears to be single-handedly ending the Patriots dynasty on his own, making him my favorite player of the year so far.

** Monday Night Football opened with ESPN doing a voiceover comparing the Rams to the Mandalorian which included the following lines: 

— “To be a star, you can’t just dress up in a helmet and cape. You have to play the part.” I assume this is an allusion to DE Aaron Donald killing people in his spare time to collect bounties. 

— While showing a picture of QB Jared Goff next to the Mandalorian, the voiceover states “you can see how a captain leads.” This refers to Goff managing the Rams’ offense and the Mandalorian … occasionally working with a few others and putting their lives in danger. So, the same. 

— “Atop the NFC North, the Bears have spoken. They present a challenge, even for a Mandalorian.” This I’m sure is a reference to the scene in the first season where the Mandalorian, with his laser rifle and heat-seeking missiles and jet pack and near impenetrable armor, is defeated by an average grizzly bear.

Look, I get that Disney owns everything and so that means every opportunity must be milked for full advertising potential, but maybe just run the trailer for season 2 at the start of the game and forget the ham-fisted mash-ups. Or, if you must, at least work LB Samson Ebukam into the bit. His name already sounds like an awesome alien race of giant feral cats.

** During football games this weekend, Canada Dry started advertising for its newest product: Bold Ginger. It’s “not your grandma’s ginger ale” and will “blow the tennis balls off your grandma’s drinks.”
And thank god. This boring old ginger ale has been killing me. I definitely need … what makes it bolder? More ginger? Extra bubbles? Cocaine?

NFL stars enjoy celebrating Halloween just as much as the rest of us. Here’s how several are planning to celebrate this year: 

** Eagles QB Carson Wentz: Instead of candy, he’ll be tossing interceptions to the neighborhood kids.

** 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan: In the spirit of the holiday, he is murdering his RB corps (three on the IR at the moment).

** Bucs WR Antonio Brown: He’s pretending to be a zombie, trying to resurrect his long-dead career.

** Jets Coach Adam Gase: In an attempt to scare passers-by, he’ll read the names of his starting offensive players.

** Giants QB Daniel Jones: He’ll be dressing up as Humpty Dumpty and re-enacting his great fall from Thursday’s game.

** Patriots coach Bill Belechick: Planning on spending Saturday night stealing candy from local children, same as he does every Saturday night.

A lot of folks have been surprised by the Cowboys subpar play this season, especially given that they appeared to underachieve as an 8-8 squad last season. That led to the firing of then coach Jason Garrett, and the eventual hiring of former Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy.

But maybe no one should have been surprised McCarthy couldn't turn things around, considering what his name spells:

New Dallas head coach Mike McCarthy
** Wins? They call me Mr. Choke. A cad, a chad.

Eagles play the Cowboys this week, and honestly I’m not sure either team really wants to win. Maybe we’ll see the birds’ second tie of the year?

** Went two for three against Dad on Sunday, losing only in the Lions/Falcons matchup (why I continue to believe Atlanta can win anything, I do not know.) Still, that puts me up five on Dad after seven weeks of the season, not a bad start to the year.

** Headline: Seahawks' DK Metcalf runs down Cardinals' Budda Baker, prevents pick-six

Alternate headline: Metcalf, after scoring minimal fantasy points for my team on Sunday, runs down my defensive player to cost me six points.

Jerk. 

 
Week 7 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 938.37 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 921.57 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 914.66 pts
4 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 902.97 pts
5 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 902.19 pts
6 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 853.16 pts
7 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 843.09 pts
8 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 820.14 pts
9 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 773.73 pts
10 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 758.88 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 564.19 pts

Joanna, our top points scorer of the week, sneaks up into 4th place just a hair ahead of Bob. That gives us a solid top as the halfway point of the season approaches, with a mere 36 pts (or, as we call it in the business, a Westbrook) separating the members of our own NBA starting lineup.

After that, ugh. Maybe the season isn’t over already for Ant, Mom D and myself, but things aren’t looking great. I was the second highest scorer on the week and you can hardly notice down here in the cheap seats.

However, it is worth noting that last year, in week 7, Sam was mired in 8th place, a full 158 pts out of first. All he did over the rest of the season was average more than 147 pts a week and win his second Awesome Cup title. So don’t give up the ship yet.

Sunday afternoon football is back on Thursday night again with the Falcons and the Panthers this week, so … I guess set your lineups? I mean, there’s a few players on those teams you should be starting. But not most of them.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 6 recap

At the end of Sunday’s Eagles/Ravens game, the only two players on offense who were starters on opening day were QB Carson Wentz and C Jason Kelce. And while Wentz is doing everything he can to get himself benched, it is also clear that his motivations may stem from a desire not to be killed and buried alongside his teammates because of the porous offensive line.

With that in mind, here are a few possible solutions to the pass-protection and run-blocking problems of the team:

** Sumo wrestlers: The Japan Sumo Association opted to cancel the Summer Grand Tournament earlier this year but has re-opened play in recent weeks. But a bunch of these guys are still probably out of work at the moment. Why not try to just drop a few human mountains on the line and see if it slows down the defense? They won’t be agile, but at least running around them might take a few extra seconds.

** Use JJ Arcega-Whiteside: He’s worthless as a wide receiver. But maybe if the offensive line picks him up and throws him at the defensive ends at the start of each play, he can actually help the offense for a change.

** Proper scouting and drafting of players: I’ve heard this helps get professional level linesmen, but it sounds kind of crazy to me.

** Rick Lovato on every down: Who needs protection when your QB is 15 yards behind the line of scrimmage? Have the long snapper toss it way back to Wentz, who can use his arm to toss bombs for 3-yard gains.

** Maybe get rid of the ball faster: I dunno, instead of trying to duck five oncoming rushers. It’s worth a shot.

QB: Deshaun Watson, 40.00 pts — started by Jo
WR: Justin Jefferson, 29.57 pts — on Joel’s bench
RB: Derrick Henry, 33.42 pts — started by Paul
TE: Trey Burton, 17.97 pts — on the wire
K: Brandon McManus, 24.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: (tie) Miami, 20.00 pts — started by me
DEF: (tie) Tampa Bay, 20.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Tae Crowder, 11.00 pts — on the wire

Always good to see Burton — the second-best quarterback in Super Bowl LII (one completion to Nick Foles for a TD) — getting some well-deserved attention.

There’s not much that’s worse than losing to a team that only scores field goals, but McManus helped hand the New Covid Patriots their third loss of the season with his six field goals on Sunday.

For the record, there have been three times in history when a team has kicked seven field goals in a game, scored no TDs and won. The only fun one worth highlighting was the 1989 Vikings/Rams contest, where Minnesota K Rich Karlis booted his seventh, a 40-yarder, at the end of regulation to send the game into overtime. The Vikings later won the game … on a blocked punt safety, 23-21. That’s a lot of attention on kicking for one game.

Oh also Watson and Henry were absolute monsters this week and that Tennessee/Houston game was lit and maybe the Texans are good again and whatever let’s get back to kicking trivia.

“Bad decisions” edition

3rd place: Minnesota, -2.00 pts — started by Ant
2nd place: Green Bay, -3.00 pts — started by Dad
1st place: Dallas, -5.00 pts — started by Joel 

Care to guess what the worst fantasy player in all the NFL is right now? That would be the Dallas defense, worth -2.00 pts after six weeks of play. No team has surrendered more points (210, on pace for 560, which would be an NFL record) or recorded fewer turnovers (three, tied with Green Bay). They’ve been worth negative fantasy points three times already this year and scored a zero in week 3 versus Seattle. If not for a fumbler return for a TD against the Giants last week, they’d be in negative double digits.

Oh, and their team is still in first place in the NFC East, because everything about 2020 is just terrible.


** Because the NFL can’t get any dumber, the Cardinals/Cowboys game at 8pm Monday was “Monday Night Football” but the Chiefs/Bills game played at 5pm Monday was “a special Monday edition of Thursday Night Football.”

And before you say that could make sense, since the Chiefs game was supposed to have been played on Thursday night, remember that half of the time the Thursday night games are “a special Thursday edition of Sunday Night Football.” So, really, the game should have been “a special Monday edition of the Thursday edition of Sunday Night Football.”

But it would be ridiculous to say that, of course.

** The Dolphins, a team that is 3-3 and hasn’t finished with a winning record since 2008, announced Tuesday they are benching QB Ryan Fitzpatrick in favor of rookie Tua Tagovailoa because “it’s about the team,” according to league source to local Miami press.

Fitzpatrick boasts a 95.0 QB rating on the year and is in the top 12 in passing yards and completion percentage, but sure, the team probably needs a rookie to help them get over the hump.

** In an interview with CBS this week, Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes was asked what it means to be the highest-paid player in football. His response was “I’m just glad that I’m financially secure and able to take care of my family.”

Look, I get athlete-speak, but you signed a $503 million contract for the next 10 years. He makes about $100K every eight minutes of football this season, whether he’s on the field or on the bench. I think that’s a little more than basic financial security.
 

Ohio State plays its first game of the college football season this week, a showdown against Nebraska in Columbus in front of a crowd of only staff and family. Here’s what to expect from the unusual eight-week season:

** Week 1 — Ohio State wins. The drop from #5 in the polls to #7 because “they haven’t played enough games.” The Pac-12’s top team, Oregon, is moved ahead of them, boasting an 0-0 record, as their first game isn’t until Nov. 7.

** Week 2 — Ohio State wins. ESPN runs a feature questioning whether the Big Ten is endangering student athletes by allowing games to take place amid the pandemic. The piece is followed by a glowing tribune to the still-active tailgating scene on SEC campuses.

** Week 3 — Ohio State wins. They drop from #7 to #8 because of last season’s loss to Clemson in the playoffs.

** Week 4 — Ohio State wins. Notre Dame loses by five touchdowns to Clemson. The Fighting Irish are moved up to #3 in the rankings for putting up a good fight.

** Week 5 — Ohio State wins. The NCAA cancels all remaining games, citing skyrocketing cases of coronavirus among SEC and ACC teams. The Big Ten is blamed for not having strict enough precautions to keep those teams safe.

** Week 6 — Ohio State is upset by Illinois, in large part because no team members travel to Illinois.

** Week 7 — Despite no games on the week, Alabama is awarded the National Championship, because they had that one good win against an overrated Georgia team.

** Week 8 — Even with no players on the field, Ohio State beats Michigan by 14.

If you think I’m overreacting, ESPN this week is welcoming back Ohio State football with a several-thousand word feature on … the time in 2010 when the Ohio University mascot hit Brutus Buckeye with a sucker punch. SEC football got glowing scouting reports of their squads ahead of their first games, but sure, there’s no bias to see there. 

With the gruesome injury to Dallas QB Dak Prescott last week, the Cowboys front office was forced to rearrange their depth chart hastily this week. Longtime Bengals QB Andy Dalton (Lo, dandy tan) is the new starter for the team. Cowboys seventh round draft pick Ben DiNucci was elevated to the backup role. Pundits were concerned about his fit when the team selected him, but a quick look at the letters in his name show why he’s a perfect fit:

New Dallas Cowboys backup quarterback Ben DiNucci
** A wreck: no quickness, wobbly pace, bad cut. A club nadir.

Of course, Dalton looked bad enough on Monday night that maybe the Cowboys should consider putting DiNucci’s wobbly feet in there.

** Dad and I split our picks this week, but since one of mine was the Cowboys to thump the Cardinals, I was happy to be wrong. And I mean really wrong. I thought I was gonna have to call the cops on that beat down. I remain four ahead of Dad in the yearly standings.

** The Dodgers/Rays World Series means one city is guaranteed to get two championships this year, so I think we should all agree none of the trophies count before one of these shantytowns decides to get all uppity about their success.


Week 6 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 815.61 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 808.51 pts
3 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 799.30 pts
4 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 775.12 pts
5 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 773.44 pts
6 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 727.18 pts
7 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 725.34 pts
8 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 716.14 pts
9 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 688.08 pts
10 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 643.07 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 505.66 pts

Remember when I made fun of Mike for losing his starting QB last week? He picked up Ryan Tannehill off the waiver wire and got 36.56 pts out of him. Jerk.

Big week from Joanna, who pulled herself from loser island (occupants: Ant and me) to the shores of the promised land. And a huge week from Paul gets him swimming from the ocean pit of despair (occupants: Dad and Joel) towards loser island, which is kind of an upgrade? I dunno. I lost this whole maritime metaphor somewhere in the waves.

The Thursday night game is Eagles versus Giants, so get your teams ready … by removing all of the Eagles and Giants from your starting spots. I can’t believe the presidential debate may be preferable to watching this ugly fest.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 5 recap

Some saw the postponement of the Titans/Bills game to Tuesday night this week because of coronavirus concerns as a sign of looming misfortune for the NFL. But the NFL saw it as a unique opportunity to free themselves of the shackles of expected football times, and embrace the future they have always wanted: unlimited football.

Here’s what is on tap for coming weeks:

** Wednesday night football: What’s the only night of the week that the NFL has never had a game? Let’s fix that now! Will it count for the week before or the week after? Will teams be expected to play on three days rest? Answer: Who cares!?! It’s a chance to claim another night of television for the NFL commercial salesfolks.

** Saturday morning football: The pros have always stayed away from Saturday afternoon to avoid conflicts with college football. But there’s a big block of open time between 8am and noon that is currently unoccupied by any football. Who’s up for some Bengals vs. Jets over Cheerios? 

** Sunday midnight games: NFL has tried to pick up fans in Europe, but what about China? It’s the largest untapped football market out there. A few games in the wee hours of Sunday morning — putting them mid-afternoon in Beijing — should help ease the fan base there into the excitement.

** Blursday afternoon football: If you think the NFL isn’t powerful enough to create an eighth day of the week and force football in there, think again.

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 34.20 pts — started by Bob
WR: Chase Claypool, 35.43 pts — on the wire
RB: Mike Davis, 23.40 pts — started by me
TE: Jonju Smith, 17.70 pts — started by Mom D
K: Jason Sanders, 22.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 29.00 pts — started by Joel
D: Patrick Queen, 17.00 pts — on the wire

It’s not every week that a rookie wide receiver is the top points scorer, but it’s also not every week that a rookie wideout gets to ride the Philadelphia defense wheel of fun.

This week, Claypool dinged the Eagles secondary for 110 receiving yards and four TDs (one rushing) in a monster fantasy performance. Last week, it was San Francisco TE George Kittle, who had 15 catches for 183 yds and a TD. The week before, Bengals WR Tyler Boyd had 10 catches for 125 yds. Against the Rams a week earlier? TE Tyler Higbee had only 54 yds receiving but also three TDs.

Now, I’m not a professional-level defensive coordinator, but the Eagles staff doesn’t seem to have that either, so here’s my suggestion: See what guy scores first, and then try covering him for the rest of the game. Like, triple team him. I don’t care if that means seven different people score. Stop letting one guy beat you every week. Or, you know, just stop it one week.

“Names you know” edition

3rd place: Ke’Shawn Vaughn, -0.67 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.92 pts — on the wire
1st place: Mike Thomas, -1.00 pts — on the wire

Vaughn was a popular waiver wire pickup this week, and rewarded desperate fantasy owners with an awful performance of two catches and one fumble. New Orleans WR Michael Thomas didn’t play this week and still managed to score more fantasy points than his name doppelganger, Bengals WR Mike Thomas, who had one rush, one catch and one fumble.

But the headline of the week was Garoppolo, a Super Bowl QB nine months ago, getting benched in the second half for poor play. He had seven completions for 77 yds and two interceptions, compiling a QB rating of 15.9 — less than half of your QB rating of 36.8 (one attempt, no completions/yds/TDs/INTs).

The 49ers coaching staff later said that Garoppolo was benched to protect him because the game was out of reach and he was coming off a recent injury. Also, watching himself play anymore may have caused an upset stomach.

** The CBS football ticker running after the Chiefs/Raiders game announced that “David Carr and the Raiders hand Kansas City their first loss since November 2019.”

I guess “13-game winning streak” wasn’t impressive sounding enough. Calling it an 10-month undefeated streak is much better, considering they played football in three of them. 

 
** During the Vikings/Seahawks game, with Minnesota up 13-0, Seattle charged down the field and scored a TD with 10 minutes to go in the 3rd quarter. NBC commentator Chris Collinsworth said that the Vikings offense needed to get moving, because a six-point lead is not much for the explosive Seattle offense to overcome.

Over the next six plays, the Vikings turned over the ball twice and Seattle scored two more TDs. And then Collinsworth announced that “now the Vikings have a problem.”

To the football novice, giving up 21 points in less than two minutes of game time may not seem like a problem, given that there are 60 minutes in a whole game. But Collinsworth’s keen sense of the game seems to be on the right track here. Did you know that NFL teams don’t typically score at a pace of 630 points per game? And that when they do score that quickly, even over a short period, it can leave teams in a significant hole on the scoreboard?

A few minutes later, Collinsworth confused a field goal and a touchdown, but I think such minor mistakes can be forgiven given the deep analysis he’s involved in nearly every broadcast.

** Ahead of this weekend’s game, Eagles coach Doug Pederson said that second-year wideout J.J. Arcega-Whiteside “is still a part of what we’re doing” on offense and “he’ll be ready for Sunday.”

In fact, he was neither part of the offense (1 catch for 37 yards) nor ready for Sunday. His only catch was in bounds when the Eagles had no timeouts left, and helped run out the clock instead of giving the birds a chance at a field goal.

JJAW, who the Eagles coaching staff insists still could live up to his late second-round potential, now has 10 catches for 169 yds and one TD in 19 career appearances. Travis Fulgham, a former sixth-round pick who the Eagles literally picked out of a trash bin late last month, had 10 catches for 152 yds and one TD on Sunday alone. But, sure, keep trotting JJAW out there.
 

Now that the Lakers have won their 17th championship (tied for the most of an NBA franchise), here’s a short list of cities that aren’t allowed to whine about any of their sports teams until 2050: 

1 — Boston: Always at the top of the list. They complained mightily about the Red Sox’ “drought” of 86 years while their three other sports teams brought home a combined 20 tiles over that span. And since 2004, they’ve won 10 more. Enough. Forever.

2 — Los Angeles: I don’t care if the Dodgers haven’t won one since 1988, even after eight straight division titles. You have six NBA titles in the last 20 years, including one Lebron James handed to you as a reward for tanking for a half-decade. Plus you somehow got two football teams even though you never supported your old ones.

3 — New York: Nobody cares how long it has been since your last championship, because you always remind us the Yankees have 27 rings. Plus none of your football teams play in the city. If you want to include them in your championship totals, you might as well include the Boston wins as “New York adjacent” too.

4 — Green Bay: Green Bay is the 297th largest city in America. It’s also tied for 10th on the all-time list of sports championships in U.S. history. Baltimore is five times larger and has one fewer championship. Good work on overachieving. Now accept that you have more than you deserve.

5 — Dallas: You are the center of evil in the world today. All good people must unite to stop your villany from advancing any further.

6 — Tampa: Look, at this point I have to root for the Rays to win the World Series as the only palatable team left. But you just got your second NHL championship (hockey! In Florida! The birthplace of ice sports!) and have enough college football history nearby to keep you busy. Stay out of the big leagues after this next one.

St. Louis, I'm watching you. You're not on the list for now, but keep your nose clean. 


One of the interesting things about rookies in the NFL is they can give fans a new perspective on what the leadership situation is on current teams. Are there individuals who can inspire them? Are there toxic personalities that stunt their growth as players? 

For an individual like Bradlee Anae, the Cowboys fifth-round pick last spring, the results so far have been surprising. Just look at what his name says about the current chain of command in Dallas:

Cowboys rookie DE Bradlee Anae
** A nadir: We obey coke dealers. Boo.

I know Anae thinks this is a low point for the franchise, but honestly, we’ve suspected most of the coaching staff and ownership were drug dealers for a few decades now.

** Lost both of my picks against Dad this week, so my lead drops to plus-four on the season. But the real loss here is on Dad’s side, because after two weeks of me taunting him over his misplaced faith in the Raiders, he picked against them on Sunday and they scored the biggest upset of the season so far. That’s gonna get in his head for the rest of the season.

** Less than two weeks until Big Ten football starts and the pundits start complaining about how schools like Ohio State and Penn State are endangering student-athletes even though the SEC has been playing non-stop since August without anyone really raising any alarms. But, you know, SEC football always gets the positive spin.

** If the Eagles ever do start winning, though, we all may need to get Fulgham jerseys. The best sports team name in the world is the Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters, I’m working on “FulgHam Fighters” T-shirts already but running into problems with Japanese copyright law.

Week 5 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 703.04 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 694.55 pts
3 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 679.98 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 679.08 pts
5 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 646.28 pts
6 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 638.81 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 622.02 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 609.53 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 544.04 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 535.03 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 462.60 pts

Bob’s reign of terror is over for the moment, as Mike’s squad becomes the first to top 700 pts on the season. And his team is unlikely to give up that lead, with all-star QB Dak Prescott just racking up the yards with another big perfor… aaaand he’s dead. Best of luck, Mike.

We remain sequestered in our separate points islands, with our top four living the tropical escape life on their island; Mom D, Joanna and me on the undeveloped jungle patch a few miles away; and Dad, Paul and Joel on the barren rock out in the middle of the Pacific. Ant is swimming between islands at the moment, pray he doesn’t get eaten by sharks.

This week’s Thursday night game is … cancelled! Because of covid! But don’t worry, the NFL rescheduled the Chiefs/Bills game for Monday at 5pm, so it’s still super inconvenient to watch. The league is always thinking of you and how to make your football distraction just a little bit harder to watch.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 4 recap

Actual text thread from Sunday:

1226 pm
G: No Peters, no Reagor, no Alshon, no DeSean. This Eagles/Niners game may end up 42-0
Me: This is a sure Eagles win. Cleveland is going to upset the Cowboys. This is the worst Eagles team in a decade so they will be in first by midnight.
G: I see that Leo has gotten into the Drain-O again.
Bob: It’s 2020. Nothing has to make sense for it to happen
Me: They’ll just find an awful way to win tonight. Bob has it right.

204pm
Bob: Heckuva job, Brownies!
G: Careful, Bob. Thousands of Cleveland residents have been duped before. You should NEVER trust the Browns to win a game.
Me: It’s happening, G.
G: Listen, I would love to be wrong here. I just can’t believe in the Browns.
Ant: [Cleveland rocks gif]

412pm
G: C’mon, 2020. Show me yet again how wrong I am!
G: Oh thank God I was wrong.
Me: Never a doubt.

710pm
G: Wow the line is SF minus 9.
Me: Put your money in now. What’s the payout for a straight Eagles win?
G: [Facepalm gif]

1047pm
Me: This game is setting up for a late FG to tie and no scoring in overtime.
G: That’s crazy talk. When has that even happened in an NFL game before.
Jo: Does anyone have a place where Leo can sleep tonight?

1055pm
Bob: Whut is happening?
G: Whaaaaaa
Jo: Who????
Me: [Literally indecipherable babble]
Ant: Crap we’re on a 15 second delay!!!!!!

1104pm
G: I can’t. I just … seriously, they are going to lead the division.
Me: FIRST PLACE
Ant: I’m winded
Me: G I TOLD YOU DAMMIT
Me: IIIIII TOOOOLLLLDDD UUUUU
G: You did.
Ant: Leo, go take a shower, you stink.

I could try and explain the shower thing, but to be honest, it never made any sense … sorta like the Eagles leading the NFC East at 1-2-1.

QB: Dak Prescott, 45.28 pts — started by Mike
WR: Odell Beckham Jr., 33.30 pts — started by Bob
RB: Joe Mixon, 38.10 pts — on Dad’s bench
TE: Robert Tonyan, 27.53 pts — on the wire
K: Brandon McManus, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Kansas City, 21.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
D: Pierre Desir, 14.50 pts — on the wire

Prescott set a new NFL record by passing for 974 yds over the last two weeks, the most by any QB ever in a two-game span. He also became the first QB ever to throw for 450 in three consecutive weeks, and has totaled more than 120 fantasy pts since Sept. 20. Oh, and his team lost the last two games. So, have fun with those empty numbers.

Rough week for Dad, who left 51 pts on his bench between the KC defense and Mixon, who totaled 22.27 pts in his first three games this season. On the plus side, he still topped 100 pts for the week, which is pretty good considering that bad luck.

Three kickers had 18 pts this week. I can’t be bothered to list the other two. They’re kickers.

“Offensive offense” edition

3rd place: Adrian Killins Jr., -0.57 pts — on the wire
2nd place: DeAndre Carter, -0.70 pts — on the wire
1st place: Robert Griffin III, -1.70 pts — on the wire

Griffin’s return to the field against his former Maryland teammates didn’t go great this week, with an interception in his only pass attempt during backup practice time of the Raven’s big win over the nameless wonders. But at least he’ll always have the memories of his time there … where the coaching staff ruined his knees and careers. Ah, memories.

Killins, who apparently plays for the Eagles, touched the ball twice on Sunday night. The first was a 2-yd catch. The second was a -12 yard run on an end-around. There will not be a third time.


** Former QB and current CBS analyst Jay Feely showed off the intimate football knowledge he was hired to provide when, during Sunday’s Jacksonville/Cincinnati game, he said this about the Bengals’ kicker:

“He has been perfect since he missed earlier this year.”

In other news, the Eagles are undefeated in games they haven’t lost or tied.

** I know I’ve harped on this in the past, but…

On Sunday, in my other Yahoo fantasy league, I went into the Sunday night game leading my opponent 144.42 to 88.84. My opponent had no players left. I had Packers kicker Mason Crosby left to go. Yahoo gave me a 99 percent chance of winning.

So, apparently, a 1 percent chance of winning means “your opponent’s kicker has to throw 28 interceptions in tonight’s game.” Or “your opponent’s kicker has to miss 56 extra points and kick zero field goals in tonight’s game (worth -1 in that league).” That feels like less than 1 percent to me.

(FYI, right as I typed this, Crosby missed an extra point. So fine, football karma gods, I get it. But it’s still dumb.).

** Local sports stupidity: Late on ABC7 Sunday night, local sports reporter Olivia Garvey said that the Maryland Football Squad’s loss to the Ravens was disappointing, but “the good news is that Washington is still atop the NFC East, tied for second place.

That’s not how any of this works. To quote George Halas, “if you’re not first, you’re last.”

After the ongoing coronavirus pandemic cancelled one game this week and sidelined Patriots QB Cam Newton in another, NFL officials on Monday announced strict new rules to minimize the risk of contracting the illness and attempts to slow the spread. They include:

** Video monitoring of team activities: This will include pre-game warm ups and travel to ensure that safety protocols are being observed. In an effort to help, New England coach Bill Belechick has already offered to share with the league his around-the-clock, secret recordings of the other 31 teams.

** Loss of draft pick for violations: The Raiders are reported already facing the possible forfeiture of several picks for coaches’ failures to wear masks on the sidelines. The Jaguars front office has apparently asked if they can also give up picks, not because of safety issues but because they’re just going to waste them anyway.

** Increased mask rules: Under instructions from physicians, the league will mandate that Joe Buck’s mouth be taped shut. This has less to do with virus exposure and more to do with the hot air constantly streaming out of his head.

** All remaining Falcons games will be cancelled: Other teams expressed concerns they could be exposed to the virus given all of the choking happening in Atlanta of late.

** Instead of Gatorade on the sidelines, all teams will drink bleach: I hear that injecting it right into your body helps get rid of the virus.

We had an anagram for WR Michael Gallup just two years ago, when he was a rookie for the Cowboys, that showed his bent towards evil (he does have “I am hell” in his name). But 2020 has changed a lot of us, so I thought it was worth revisiting the Dallas #2 wideout this week to see if maybe he has repented his ways and aimed for a more noble, virtuous approach to life.

What I found was … upsetting.

Dallas Cowboys starting wide receiver Michael Gallup
** I created COVID, pal. I sow bugs, want gall, cheer all misery.

It should come as no surprise that this whole pandemic emanates from the Cowboys facility, and from one of their key players. I just hope someday, we as a nation are brave enough to confront the reality that no civilized society would allow Cowboys players in public without a mask, as in a full “Silence of the Lambs” security mask. It’s the only way we’ll ever regain our moral center.

** I went 2-1 against Dad this week, bringing my early season lead to six games. His faith in the Los Oakland Raiders is sorely misplaced.

*** In announcing the reassignment of Phillies General Manager Matt Klentak this weekend, team managing partner John Middleton said of Klentak’s tenure that "we've made progress, but we haven't made enough progress fast enough.”

The Phillies went 326-382 in five seasons under Klentak, with zero winning seasons and zero playoff appearances. But they finished in fifth place his first year and third in his final year so … progress?

** So, is it too early to start projecting first-round playoff opponents for the Eagles? I think they’d match up well against the Bears, although I have grave concerns about Nick Foles returning to Philly. Maybe the Eagles should tank or game or two to avoid them…


Week 4 standings

1 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 565.12 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 562.00 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 560.29 pts
4 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 545.53 pts
5 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt Awesome), 528.60 pts
6 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 521.64 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 486.74 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 479.02 pts
9 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 445.95 pts
10 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 443.97 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 381.77 pts

So we’re still doing this “Bob in first place” thing. Huh.

Some jockeying among teams at the top of the chart, but we’re developing a clear set of four leaders, then Joanna and me out on our own island, then the rest of the field. Paul’s soccer orphans took a huge tumble, scoring fewer points than Beckham and Mixon did alone on Sunday. And nobody topped 150 pts for the week, which feels like a failure all around.

Tom Brady faces Nick Foles on Thursday night in a Super Bowl LII rematch … except neither plays for the same team anymore. Still, the exact same drama is there. At the very least, they’ll show the Philly Special a few more times.

And we’ve made it to our first official bye week of the 2020 season, as opposed to the surprise coronavirus byes last week, and the surprise coronavirus bye weeks till to come. Go pick up some players from the waiver wire to fill your empty spots and get your teams all set. Sure, you could be in last place now, but one good week can jump you all the way up to first. Worked for the NFC East…