Sports Oscars

Once again those snobs in Hollyweird held their annual movie lovefest and snubbed the entire field of great sports films released in 2007. Since no one else seems to want to honor the real art of last year, I’ll take it upon myself.

(Please note – all awards were handed out on the basis of these films' trailers, as I have not seen any of them).

2008 Academy Awards of Sports Flicks

Best Actor
Nominees: Columbus Short, Stomp the Yard; Nick Cage, Ghost Rider; Dwayne Johnson, The Game Plan; Will Ferrell, Blades of Glory
       Know the plot of “The Game Plan”? Johnson, the all-Pro Boston QB, finds out he has a kid out of wedlock, which complicates his relationship with his model girlfriend. That’s the kind of outside-the-box character that deserves an award. Also, the QB gets injured in the championship game. If only …
Winner: Johnson

Best Actress
Nominees: None
       Until somebody makes another sports movie that stars a woman, the award stays with the last champ. Three years running, with no serious contenders …
Winner: Hilary Swank, Million Dollar Baby

Best Supporting Actor
Nominees: Carl Weathers, The Comebacks; Christopher Walken, Balls of Fury; Billy Bob Thorton, Mr. Woodcock; Jorma Taccone, Hot Rod
       Walken is barely even in the trailer, but I’m not going to snub him even in jest on the off chance he ever comes across this website. Dude scares me. If you piss him off, he might prank you with a tire iron …
Winner: Walken

Best Supporting Actress
Nominees: Susan Sarandon, Mr. Woodcock; Ilsa Fisher, Hot Rod; Jena Fisher, Blades of Glory; Jon Heder, Blades of Glory
       Look at that picture again and tell me you didn’t think Napoleon Dynamite there was a woman. That’s what I thought …
Winner: Heder

Best Animated Movie
Nominees: Surf’s Up
       Only one nominee, a happy cartoon about a penguin surfing competition. But I’m going against it -- If the academy can decide that 10-years-in-the-waiting Simpsons movie isn’t even worth an animated film nomination, I can name it the best cartoon sports film with just as much credibility …
Winner: The Simpsons Movie

Best Documentary Film
Nominees: The Final Season, The Comebacks
       “The Final Season” is a heartwarming story about an Iowa high school baseball team’s last at bat, but “The Comebacks” is about the tragedy that can happen when no-talent hacks try to tackle both sports and comedy. It’s one of those movies that everyone should watch, lest we fail to learn from our mistakes.
Winner: The Comebacks

Best Picture
Nominees: The Game Plan, Blades of Glory, Balls of Fury, Mr. Woodcock, The Comebacks
       Let’s face it – if you missed “Pride”, the inspirational story of a Philly swim team overcoming adversity, you missed the only sports movie that tried to be respectable this year. So I’m guessing you spent more time watching actual sports, which is better in the end. So in the end, who really won?
Winner: All of us filmgoers (unless you saw Mr. Woodcock)

Worst sports store in America

Found in El Paso today ...




Aren't there supposed to be Cowboys fans out here?

Surprise Flyers news

In case you missed it:

     (AHN) -- Flyers forward Simon Gagne downplayed his third concussion this season and on Monday dismissed speculations that he is shelved for the remainder of the year.
     "There is no reason I can't come back and help lead this team to the World Series," Gagne said in an interview with the Philadelphia Inquirer. "It's just like J-Roll said -- we're the team to beat."
     The 27-year-old former first-round pick first sustained a concussion in October 24 then suffered the same injury on November 5. The two injuries forced Gagne to miss a total of 30 games.
     "I've already missed enough of this season, and I just need to get back on the gridiron and do my job," he said. "The doctors are telling me there could be problems, but I don't know the meaning of the word.
     "Seriously, what does that mean?"
     The Quebec native reported problem-free on January 10 until he had another concussion on Sunday, when he was hit by Penguins' forward Jordan Staal. Gagne expressed hope that his third bout with the injury will not force him as much games as before.
     "You can't tell me that I'll be ready to be doing to be ready when I'm not if I am," Gagne said. "Seriously. For real. Can I borrow a candy bar?"
     Gagne has played all his eight seasons with Philadelphia. He has seven goals and 11 assists in 25 games this season and has a career 208 goals in 527 games since he debuted in 1999.
     "There's no stopping the Flyers from bringing home the Lombardi trophy," he said. "Book it. You can Paris Hilton that to the bank."

Pro-Bowl preview

The NFL has always had a problem getting its top players to attend the annual Pro Bowl in Hawaii, but this year’s absences are even more notable than usual (Deceased Washington S Sean Taylor, Chargers RB LaDanian Tomlinson, Patriots QB Tom Brady). So what excuses are they giving for not making the trip?

Dolphins DE Jason Taylor won’t be there because Miami is already down 10-0 in next season’s opener.

Patriots QB Tom Brady won’t be there because he’s a baby.

Eagles S Brian Dawkins won’t be there because he was not selected to the roster (for only the second time since 2000.) He will, however, still get a sack.

The Cowboys player who has a playoff win this decade won’t be there because he doesn’t exist.

Patriots WR Randy Moss won’t be there because he’s under house arrest (probably).

Bills OT Jason Peters won’t be there because Buffalo’s airport has eight feet of snow atop it instead of the usual seven.

49ers P Andy Lee will be there, but nobody cares about punters.

Raiders DT Warren Sapp won’t be there because … hold on, he’s still playing?

Saints RB Reggie Bush won’t be there because it’s a football game, not a track meet.

Giants QB Eli Manning won’t be there because they only pick good quarterbacks for the game, not lucky ones.

Stupidest things I've heard this week

And it's only Thursday ...

"The team that makes fewer mistakes in this game is going to be the winner." -- Mike Tirico, ESPN (submitted by Jeff)
        Said just hours before the Super Bowl, when just about everything obvious had already been exhausted. And yet somehow Tirico was both insipid and incorrect; The Giants had more interceptions, more fumbles (but fewer lost fumbles), more penalty yards and gave up more return yards, but still won the game.

"This was Rocky Balboa against Apollo Creed, when the champ was unbeatable. Parade planned, book ready to go to print about their unbeaten Super Bowl season and then they met someone tougher." -- Paul Zimmerman, SI.com
        Forget that he called this the greatest Super Bowl of all time (nice long memory there, Z). Maybe you need to go back and watch your classic movies again. Rocky lost.

"Eli Manning deserves the MVP award." -- Countless sportswriters            Look, it was a big upset, OK? Let's not go crazy. Eli had a good day, punctuated by a game-saving catch by his fourth-string WR and non-game winning interceptions by two different Pats who had passes hit their palms on that final drive. David Tyree (that wideout) and DE Justin Tuck had better games and deserved the extra paycheck. Manning was the 25th rated QB in the regular season, and four good games gets you a ring but not equal billing with Peyton.
        You can say he's the best QB in the NFL 100 times, but it's not gonna make it true. (Hi, Seth!)

Liveblogging the big game

Here’s my take on Today’s Super Bowl, as it unfolds:

3:00 pm – I’m confused why the game is starting so early, but here’s the opening whistle and it’s on! I wonder what happened to the next three hours of nonsense that was supposed to be on.

3:04 pm – The Giants have the ball and should be furious with the refs: Patriots S Rodney Harrison just bit QB Eli Manning in the ear, then tossed him upside down. No flag. Way to have the A crew calling the game, NFL.

3:05 pm – Speaking of calling the game, I’m surprised that Harry Kalas is the announcer. Where is Joe Buck? Troy Aikman? I’m not complaining, but something about this game just seems really off.

3:07 pm – Now LB Mike Vrabel is biting Manning, and the refs still aren’t doing anything! Unbelievable. Manning just bit him back, right on the hairy scruff of his neck. Good for him. He still has that vacant look on his face though – you’d think this rough play would wake him up a little.

3:10 pm – Giants DE Michael Strahan looks better with a beard (a really full one too) but the dog collar seems like a bit much to me. Eli seems to be wearing one too, but he looks the same as every other game day.

3:11 pm – Sorry, kids; Jo just came in and said this was the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet, not the Super Bowl. I thought Strahan looked surprisingly good. And the Patriots defense doesn’t usually bite that much in the first quarter. My bad.