Sports Oscars

Once again those snobs in Hollyweird held their annual movie lovefest and snubbed the entire field of great sports films released in 2007. Since no one else seems to want to honor the real art of last year, I’ll take it upon myself.

(Please note – all awards were handed out on the basis of these films' trailers, as I have not seen any of them).

2008 Academy Awards of Sports Flicks

Best Actor
Nominees: Columbus Short, Stomp the Yard; Nick Cage, Ghost Rider; Dwayne Johnson, The Game Plan; Will Ferrell, Blades of Glory
       Know the plot of “The Game Plan”? Johnson, the all-Pro Boston QB, finds out he has a kid out of wedlock, which complicates his relationship with his model girlfriend. That’s the kind of outside-the-box character that deserves an award. Also, the QB gets injured in the championship game. If only …
Winner: Johnson

Best Actress
Nominees: None
       Until somebody makes another sports movie that stars a woman, the award stays with the last champ. Three years running, with no serious contenders …
Winner: Hilary Swank, Million Dollar Baby

Best Supporting Actor
Nominees: Carl Weathers, The Comebacks; Christopher Walken, Balls of Fury; Billy Bob Thorton, Mr. Woodcock; Jorma Taccone, Hot Rod
       Walken is barely even in the trailer, but I’m not going to snub him even in jest on the off chance he ever comes across this website. Dude scares me. If you piss him off, he might prank you with a tire iron …
Winner: Walken

Best Supporting Actress
Nominees: Susan Sarandon, Mr. Woodcock; Ilsa Fisher, Hot Rod; Jena Fisher, Blades of Glory; Jon Heder, Blades of Glory
       Look at that picture again and tell me you didn’t think Napoleon Dynamite there was a woman. That’s what I thought …
Winner: Heder

Best Animated Movie
Nominees: Surf’s Up
       Only one nominee, a happy cartoon about a penguin surfing competition. But I’m going against it -- If the academy can decide that 10-years-in-the-waiting Simpsons movie isn’t even worth an animated film nomination, I can name it the best cartoon sports film with just as much credibility …
Winner: The Simpsons Movie

Best Documentary Film
Nominees: The Final Season, The Comebacks
       “The Final Season” is a heartwarming story about an Iowa high school baseball team’s last at bat, but “The Comebacks” is about the tragedy that can happen when no-talent hacks try to tackle both sports and comedy. It’s one of those movies that everyone should watch, lest we fail to learn from our mistakes.
Winner: The Comebacks

Best Picture
Nominees: The Game Plan, Blades of Glory, Balls of Fury, Mr. Woodcock, The Comebacks
       Let’s face it – if you missed “Pride”, the inspirational story of a Philly swim team overcoming adversity, you missed the only sports movie that tried to be respectable this year. So I’m guessing you spent more time watching actual sports, which is better in the end. So in the end, who really won?
Winner: All of us filmgoers (unless you saw Mr. Woodcock)