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Fantasy recap week #8 (but really, it's all baseball)

On this date in history



Oct. 29, 1682 – William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania, sets foot on American soil for the first time, landing in what is modern day Chester.

     Don’t you see? He just wanted to give us the championship on the anniversary of the first idea of the great city of Philadelphia! It’s all so clear now. There’s nothing to worry about!






More unqualified, positive thoughts



-- The Phillies are undefeated at home this postseason (6-0).
-- Of the 60 runs the Phils have scored this postseason, 21 have come after the fifth (35 percent) and seven of those in the sixth inning (12 percent).
-- The Phils have followed their three postseason losses with three wins, three wins and two wins (with one more game pending since that last loss).
-- The Phillies haven’t lost three games in a row since Aug. 29, and are an amazing 23-6 in their last 29 games.






Top performers
back in that NFL thingie



QB: Phillip Rivers, 29.54 pts – started by Jim
RB: Brian Westbrook, 37.50 pts – started by Ant
WR: Santana Moss, 31.93 pts – started by Heidi
TE: Dallas Clark, 25.77 pts – started by Jim
K: Shaun Shisham, 16.00 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench
D: Brandon Flowers, 13.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Houston, 24.00 pts – sitting on the wire
     Frankly, it was kind of a boring fantasy week if you were anyone but Jim.






Worst performers, “everybody stinks” edition



3rd place: Edgerrin James, -0.30 pts – sitting on Neal’s bench
2nd place: Roscoe Parrish, -0.80 pts – started by Ant
1st place: Adam Jennings, -1.56 pts – sitting on the wire
     Jennings had 22 return yards and one fumble in his game against the Eagles. I have absolutely no memory of him.






Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week Award



     Lemme get this straight: After the fifth inning, with Phils up 2-1 and the rain pouring down on Citizens Bank Park, MLB commissioner Bud Selig thought conditions were good enough to keep playing baseball.
     Then, a half later, after the Rays tied up the game and the rain coming down at the same rate, conditions were too bad to play even another five minutes, to give the visitors a chance to deal with the horrible fielding conditions?
     Sounds fair to me. Maybe Bud can mandate that the Phils have to start Adam Eaton for the rest of the series, or force So Taguchi into the DH role, in the best interests of baseball.
     Idiot. He’s probably still pissed his Brewers got bounced in four games.






Stupidest things I heard this week




     Somebody needs to give Fox a primer on the NFL.
     In the middle of the Giants/Steelers game, sideline reporter Pam Oliver said Tom Coughlin doesn’t know why his team has so much trouble scoring touchdowns “once they get in the green zone.”
     At halftime of the Eagles game, analyst Michael Strahan said for the first time all year Andy Reid allowed McNabb to run “in the red area.”
     But worse than multiple misidentifications of the “red zone” is this story: Sideline reporter Danyelle Sargent apparently asked new 49ers head coach Mike Singeltary about the congratulatory phone call he received this week from his mentor, Bill Walsh.
     And it’s a valid question, if you ignore the fact that Walsh was not a mentor to Singletary (she must have meant Ditka) and Walsh died 15 months ago. But other than that…






Trend projection at the halfway mark



-- Saints QB Drew Brees is on pace to pass for 5,126 yards, which would break Dan Marino’s single-season record of 5,084.
-- Racial Slurs RB Clinton Portis is on pace to rush for 1,888 yards, and is one of only two on pace for more than 1,500 yards (Vikings RB Adrian Peterson is trending towards 1,563).
-- Patsies WR Randy Moss is on pace for nine receiving TDs this year, 14 less than his record-setting 23 last season.
-- The San Francisco 49ers are on pace for 40 turnovers this year, 34 of them by QB J.T. O’Sullivan. And he’s on pace to lose his job in the next two weeks.
-- The Kansas City Chiefs are on pace to total more punting yards (a projected 4,710 yards) than total yards of offense (a projected 4,283 yards).






Cowboys anagram insult of the week



     It’s no surprise that the Cowboys have struggled since QB Tony Romo went down with an injury. After all, “Dallas Cowboys backup Brad Johnson” spells out just what you need to know:
    ** A bad job by hack. Cows all drops, no sun. **
     Maybe if they didn’t have that stupid half-dome over their stadium, they’d get some sun.






Things I did tonight trying to avoid thinking about this delayed game



-- Won the Super Bowl with the Eagles on the PS2 (84-3 over the Ravens, 249 rushing yards for Westbrook, 8 passing TDs for McNabb.)
-- Watched the Phillies 10,000th loss on tape again (10-2 against the Cardinals, standing ovation from the Phill fans at the end.)
-- Thought up nicknames for Bud Selig (Spud Selig, Suds Beerwig, Bud Stupid, Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid-ig.)
-- Watched the Flyers (7-0 against Hotlanta? Sweet. No Philly team has lost since last Wednesday.)
-- Checked the weather (it sucks.)
-- Did wash (but not my lucky Rollins shirt. It’s still ready to go.)






Our standings so far




1st place: Cougar in Chief, Mike – 1013.63 pts
2nd place: Awesomenicity, Heidi – 1000.83 pts
3rd place: The Moravians, Bob – 941.96 pts
     Third place is a revolving door right now, but Mike and Heidi seem to be pulling away from the pack at the halfway mark. However, I’m closely reading the most recent news reports about players using banned substances to make sure Heidi’s stats are valid. Stay tuned.






News and notes




-- If you’re wondering why I haven’t mentioned the Fighting Blue Hens this year, don’t worry about it. It has nothing to do with the fact they’re about to be 3-6.
-- All I’m saying is, if we have to endure the first ever rain suspended game in World Series history, the least Fox could do is let Harry Kalas call the national broadcast for these final three innings.

Fantasy recap week #7

Prepping for Florida





-- Do not touch Billy Penn. He’s perfectly happy how he’s dressed right now.
-- Do give Donovan extra fluids for the trip. He tends to have hydration problems down there.
-- Do not invite Joe Jerevicius. What a week it has been for him.
-- Do invite Joe Biden to throw out the first pitch. All I’m saying is that the Flyers still haven’t won after Sarah Palin’s opening-night puck drop.
-- Do not confuse Evan Longoria and Eva Longoria. No matter how many times ESPN does it, it isn’t funny.
-- Do feel free to call them the Devil Rays. They’re not fooling anyone; they’re still pure evil.
-- Do not touch Billy Penn. I cannot stress this enough.
-- Do not play the Rocky theme. Unless you call it the Rocky II theme. No more moral victories.







Top performers





QB: Matt Cassel, 25.50 pts – sitting on the wire
RB: Steven Jackson, 37.07 pts – sitting on Joel’s bench
WR: Randy Moss, 21.60 pts – started by Mike
TE: Owen Daniels, 22.40 pts – started by Joel
K: (tie) John Kasay, 13.00 pts – started by Ant
K: (tie) Robbie Gould, 13.00 pts – sitting on Ant’s bench
D: Justin Tuck, 15.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: New York Giants, 24.00 pts – started by Heidi
     Good week for RBs – they were seven of the top eight scorers on the week. Even better, none of them were Cowboys.







Worst performers, WR edition





3rd place: Jacoby Jones, -0.24 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Shaun McDonald, -0.47 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Ike Hilliard, -0.73 pts – started by Jeff
     Jeff would have been better served starting WR Jerry Rice, who has scored zero points after retiring from the game four years ago.
     However, the worst of the bunch were actually two Broncos this week: QB Patrick Ramsey managed a measly -1.24 pts by passing for 19 yards and losing a fumble, and RB Andre Hall posted a -1.74 by collecting 148 return yards, fumbling twice and rushing for -7 yards.







Stupidest awesome thing
I heard this week




If you still haven’t heard about the “Why can’t us?” campaign, go here now. No, now. Yes, right now.







Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week Award





     Not a great week for the line-ups, all around. Joanna tossed the top QB of the week right before kick-off, Mike left 31 pts on his bench, Jim left 36 pts, Paul left 37 pts. In a normal week, any one of them could have walked away with the award.
     But Joel left an incredible 70 pts on his bench this week mostly in the form of RBs Stephen Jackson and Chester Taylor, whom he benched in favor of a pair of players who didn’t register a point. Sure, he still scored over 100 pts on the week, but those moves alone could have jumped him from 10th place to fourth in our crazy, bunched up league.
     Honorable mention goes to Andy Reid, who probably called for a pass play on Sunday before realizing the team wasn’t playing.






Current craigslist offerings for Philly this week





-- SATURDAY NIGHT, GAME 3, $1! (Actual listing has 300 level tickets for $500 each).
-- PHILS/RAYS, GREAT SEATS: $279! (This posting has been flagged as fraudulent and will be removed).
-- FOUR TICKETS, SEC 205, $2800! (“Rasonably cheap” according to the seller).
-- NEED THREE FLYERS TICKETS FOR 10/22! (Really? Really?)







Cowboys anagram insult of the week





     As promised, here are the completely not-so-hidden messages found in the Cowboys new Williams twins.
     We probably should have seen “Dallas Cowboys WR Roy E. Williams” getting traded from the Lions even sooner, because his name spells out:
    *** Dollars will sway me. A Cowboy, sir! ***
     Meanwhile, “Dallas Cowboys Safety Roy L. Williams” is out for the year, officially because of a broken arm, But everyone, including his family, knows the real reason:
    *** My wife calls, says I allow a lot o’ yards. Ba! ***
    And, try as you might, you can’t use either of their names spell any sentence with the word “win.” Very interesting.







BREAKING NEWS





    Ohmigawd, Neal picked up a player this week, probably using one of them newfangled iphone devices I keep hearing so much about. That officially means everyone in the league is actually participating.









Our standings so far



1st place: Cougar in Chief, Mike – 885.55 pts
2nd place: Awesomenicity, Heidi – 861.24 pts
3rd place: Ice Road Truckers, Dad – 840.38 pts
     Finally someone breaks up the Doyle triumvirate atop the standings, with Dad bumping Joanna down to fourth. Meanwhile, everyone I’m not directly related to sits at sixth place and below. You know the league is fair, because if I was rigging it I’d never have any of these people above me in the standings. It’s much easier to deal with taunts from Bob.







News and notes





-- In case you’ve been living under a rock, game one of the World Series is Wednesday night. The Phils are playing.
-- And let this be a warning to you: We are all rooting for the Phillies right now. All of us. Got it?

Fantasy Recap Week #6

A special MLB message
from little Shane Victorino



     Pitches don’t go there, OK? Maybe in the side, but not in the head.





Top performers




QB: Drew Brees, 31.50 pts – started by Bobert
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, 28.39 pts – started by Heidi
WR: Andre Johnson, 25.87 pts – started by Bobert
TE: Marcedes Lewis, 13.27 pts – sitting on the wire
K: Jason Elam, 19.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Robert Mathis, 13.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Tampa Bay, 26.00 pts – started by Ant
     Don’t worry – those two top performers on Bob’s team scored as many points as his other nine players combined (please note the worst performers below). Meanwhile, did anyone know Jason Elam was still playing? And not with the Broncos?





Worst performers,
“supposed skill-positions” edition




3rd place: Chansi Stuckey, 0.10 pts – started by Bobert
2nd place: Le’Ron McClain, -1.07 pts – sitting on Paul’s bench
1st place: Jacob Hester, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
     I don’t know what’s sadder: Le’Ron’s stat line for the day (one catch, two yards; one rush, -2 yards, one fumble) or the fact that he can’t spell “Ron” correctly.





Andy Reid Blown Call
of the Week Award



     I knew last week was too good to be true – This week, Neal started three players on a bye and one injured player, employing a cunning strategy of trying to move up the leaderboard by not showing up to play. It’s too early to say if it will work, but … no, wait, it’s not too early. It won’t work.
     Honorable mention goes to the guy in my other fantasy league who traded me QB Drew Brees this week for RB Joseph Addai. Brees threw three TDs and 300-plus yards; Addai totaled three yards before going down with an injury. Good timing on that one.





Stupid things
Sonny Jurgensen
said this Sunday



     For those of you who didn’t listen to the radio broadcast of the Maryland Racial Slurs loss to the Rams on Sunday, consider yourself lucky. Here’s just what I remember from the 4th quarter:
-- With the home team facing a 2nd and 10, down by six: “This is two-down territory right here. Maybe two or three downs.”
    Listener’s Note ~ Did he mean four-down territory? Or was he actually suggesting they punt on third down?
-- With the home team facing 1st and goal, down by six: “They’ve got three chances here to pound this in.”
    Listener’s Note ~ And then on 4th down, they should kick the FG and take the loss? Can he count?
-- Still facing 1st and goal, at the two-yard line, down by six: “They should think about running some time off the clock here.”
    Listener’s Note ~ How? By kneeling on 1st down, rather than scoring the go-ahead TD?
-- After the Rams took a illegal formation penalty to start their final drive of the game: “Hahahahah” (cackling)
    Listener’s Note ~ Thanks for the insightful commentary. Why weren’t you still laughing when the Rams kicked the game-winning FG?





Bets you could have on June 1 that would have made you rich now



-- By week 6, retired QB Brett Favre will have more TD passes than QBs Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and Carson Palmer combined (13 vs 11).
-- By week 6, Arizona rookie RB Tim Hightower will have more TDs than RB LaDanian Tomlinson (5 vs 4).
-- By week 6, Bengals LB Dhani Jones will have more tackles than Pro-Bowl linebackers Ray Lewis and Derrick Brooks combined (61 vs 59).
-- By week 6, the longest TD reception of the year will be a 90-yard pass to fifth-string WR Hank Baskett.





A special MLB message from stumpy Matt Stairs



     Stairs smash. Stairs smash!





Cowboys anagram insult of the week




     How serious is this week’s injury to the Cowboys star QB? Just look at what “Tony Romo’s busted little finger” spells out, clear as day:
     ** Sorry: no TDs, title. el T.O. be fuming. **
     I give Owens about three weeks before he starts saying that Brett Farve would be playing with a broken finger.





Your potential upcoming
sports viewing schedule



     Should the Phils make it to the next round, You should all be ready for this:
-- Wednesday, Oct. 22: World Series Game 1, Sharks at Flyers, Sixers final preseason game
-- Thursday, Oct. 23: World Series Game 2
-- Friday, Oct. 24: Flyers at Devils
-- Saturday, Oct. 25: World Series Game 3, Devils at Flyers
-- Sunday, Oct. 26: World Series Game 4, Falcons at Eagles
     And if the series goes further, there’s more…





Our standings so far




1st place: Cougar in Chief, Mike – 747.90 pts
2nd place: Arena Bowl Champions, Jo – 743.45 pts
3rd place: Awesomenicity, Heidi – 743.04 pts
     The Doyle reign of terror continues. Heidi would have held onto second place had she not started the Giants D, worth -1.00 points on Monday night.
     Meanwhile, last year’s champ, Paul, continues to lurk just behind in fourth place. And the top seven teams are separated by a mere 56 pts, which I believe how many points the Iggles scored in the fourth quarter on Sunday.





News and notes




-- I’ll deal with the Dallas WR Roy Williams/S Roy Williams next week. Right now it’s making my head hurt.
-- Wednesday night may be game 5 of the NLCS, but it’s also the third presidential debate. I don’t care how important you may think these fun little games are, I don’t care how much you really want to watch the strategy and athleticism, I don’t care what your excuse is. There’s only one logical choice if you care about the future of America, and it starts with the letter P and ends with Brad Lidge. Be a true American, OK?

Fantasy recap week #5

Comparing the Phillies and
Eagles (jerseys) this week




#5: Pat Burrell vs. Donovan McNabb
One of these guys single-handedly propelled his team to a win on Sunday. The other one’s best achievement was not throwing up on the field.
ADVANTAGE: Phils
#26: Chase Utley vs. Lito Sheppard
We all love what Lito has done in the past, but he’s barely playing right now. Chase may have fallen off in the playoffs, but at least he’s on the field.
ADVANTAGE: Phils
#28: Jason Werth vs Correll Buckhalter
Werth can steal bases. Buck can barely walk after all those knee surgeries.
ADVANTAGE: Phils
#39: Brett Myers vs Quiten Demps
Myers' slow, 90-foot walk to first on Saturday was the crucial turning point in the game. Meanwhile, Demps couldn’t manage nine feet on his kick returns this weekend.
ADVANTAGE: Phils
#63: Ryan Madson vs. Mike Gibson
I don’t even know who Gibson is, but Madson still stresses me out.
ADVANTAGE: Eagles
It’s a good time to be paying attention to baseball, kids…



Top performers





QB: Aaron Rodgers, 28.92 pts – sitting on Heidi’s bench
RB: DeAngelo Williams, 32.97 pts – started by Ant
WR: T.J. Houshmandzadeh, 24.67 pts – started by Mike
TE: Chris Cooley, 21.27 pts – started by Dad
K: Shaun Suisham, 15.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Antoine Winfield, 16.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Carolina, 24.00 pts – sitting on Dad’s bench
     Thank gawd for Chris Cooley – the rest of those names were a pain in the neck to spell.



Worst performers,
“Really terrible” edition




3rd place: Damon Huard, -2.16 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Seattle, -5.00 pts – sitting on Paul’s bench
1st place: Buffalo, -6.00 pts – started by Neal
     Congrats to Neal, who achieved the lowest score possible with his defense. That only happens once or twice a year: They have to give up at least 35 points (in this case, 41) and not record any sacks, INTs, fumbles or other signs of life. Seattle actually gave up more points (44) but their one sack kept them off the bottom rung.
     Meanwhile, Damon Huard really stinks (86 passing yards, three turnovers, -1 rushing yards).



Andy Reid
Blown Call of the Week
Award



     No one started a player on a bye this week. No one! I’m so proud … I think I might cry …
     So without a league winner of the award (Neal left 32 pts on his bench, but I just made fun of him up there) let’s just go with the Mets again. It’s still really funny to think about them choking two years in a row.


Things that confused me
from switching between
the Phillies and Eagles
games on Sunday



-- In the first inning, why did the refs throw a flag for blocking in the back on Rollins home run?
-- Joe Blanton looked great threading a tight spiral down the middle of the field to L.J. Smith. I wish Manuel would have called more pass plays to him.
-- I think I was rooting for Green to beat Red but Red to beat Blue. But whenever someone wearing white came up, I froze.
-- Gawd, Andy Reid’s coaching looked bad no matter what channel was on.



Cowboys anagram insult of the week





     Did you know the Cowboys are flagrantly violating U.S. immigration laws by bringing illegal immigrants across the border? It’s true; L.P. LaDouceur is a Canadian, once again stealing a good old fashioned American job from a perfectly qualified American long snapper.
     Even worse, when you look at “Dallas’ L.P. LaDouceur” you can see he doesn’t even care about this country:
     ** USA: a dull place. Lord! **
     America’s team, my ass. They’re nothing but traitors.



What you could buy with $700 billion





-- 5,468 copies of Tiger Woods (annual earnings: $128 million)
-- 17,283 copies of LeBron James (annual earnings: $40.5 million)
-- 1.9 million copies of Hank Baskett (annual earnings: $365,000)
-- 0 strength and conditioning coaches for the Eagles (I assume they cost a fortune, otherwise they would have hired a competent one by now.)





Our standings so far




1st place: Awesomenicity, Heidi – 645.45 pts
2nd place: Arena Bowl Champions, Jo – 629.91 pts
3rd place: Cougar in Chief, Mike – 619.52 pts
     It’s an all Doyle top three, with Mike making his first appearance here and the other two swapping spots. Paul’s lurking in fourth, but I heard he may have broken a few ribs playing paintball last week and might need to be replaced by Correll Buckhalter.




News and notes




-- I'm down six on Dad now. Honestly, I'm gonna start putting down money against myself.
-- Anyone want to do fantasy hockey? No, I'm not. I can stop anytime I want.
-- By the way, Joe Blaton and Brett Myers still suck, suck, suck. I mean, that's what I said right before the last series, so...