Breaking news …
COOPERSTOWN, N.Y. (AP) – In a move expected by many, the sports gods announced new restrictions against Boston fans in light of their sports teams’ most recent success.
Under the rules outlined at the gods’ annual meeting, Boston fans will no longer be able to describe themselves as “tortured, unlucky or suffering” under any circumstances. Those limits also apply to local and national media as well.
“Let’s face it – the World Series win was the city’s fifth professional championship in the last six years,” said Honus Wagner, associate sports god for baseball affairs.
“And that doesn’t even take into account this year’s Patriots’ team. I kinda wish we hadn’t already voted to let them win the Super Bowl this year.”
While the announcement was of little surprise in most of the country –- Cleveland fans issued a statement rebuking the council for taking so long to make the move -- Boston fans were stunned.
"I don't think people appreciate how much we deserve this," said 19-year-old Patty McFinnegan said. "I had to wait almost 100 years for before my favorite team won its first World Series three years ago. Unless you've been there like me, you don't undertand. No one has waited to see their teams win as long as me and my college friends here.
"So why don't people feel good for us? I didn't complain when the Saints won it all last year, or when the Phillies won that World Series in 1993. And those fans haven't suffered through all the near-misses we have up here. You think it's easy when your sports teams go to the playoffs every year but sometimes don't win it all?"
The sports gods also for the first time acknowledged that reports of Boston's suffering have been long exaggerated, pointing towards the city's 16 total NBA championships between 1956 and 1985.
"Hell, we even mixed in two Stanley Cups during that stretch just to see if we could get them to stop whining about the Red Sox," said Jim Thorpe, deputy sports god in charge of Olympic competitions. "But they never did. So we finally relented and gave them some baseball and football championships, and they still think they're hard-luck fans. Go figure."
While the council would not comment on the possibility of withholding any future professional championships from the city, they did promise to "put an end to this Boston College situation already."
Top Performers
** QB: Tom Brady, 41.64 pts – started by Jo
** RB: Joseph Addai, 30.53 pts – started by Neal
** WR: Braylon Edwards, 27.80 pts – started by Neal
** TE: Antonio Gates, 21.13 pts – started by Bob
** K: Sebastian Janikowski, 14.00 pts – sitting on the wire
** DEF: San Diego, 29.00 pts – started by Paul
Brady had his fifth game in a row of blah blah blah touchdowns blah blah cheaters blah blah blah Satan.
Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week award
I should have gotten this award hands down for the trade I made -- Hines Ward and DeShaun Foster for Steve Smith. Smith had an unspectacular debut on my team, posting two catches for 18 yards and 3.20 pts, while Ward and Foster combined for a mere 39 pts.
However, I'll have to settle for sharing the award because Paul kept both of those players on the bench, a main reason why his lead dwindled so far this week. In fairness, Yahoo's trade system never puts new players into starting slots, and he likely got screwed there. But we're not about fairness in this space, so Paul will have to suffer through a week's humiliation with me.
Honorable mention goes to Ant, who started three players on a bye and inexplicably benched the one active defense he did have on the roster.
Worst performers, "Defenses that gave up 52 points" edition
First Place: Washington, -3.00 pts -- sitting on my bench
Wait, that's the only one? But I thought they were supposed to be the most improved defense in the league? What happened to that?
Stupidest thing I heard this week
There's a new commercial playing the DC area for a Ford contest looking for the biggest supporter of the Maryland Bloodthrsty Savages football club. It goes as follows:
Are you the Redskins' top fan?
Do you do whatever it takes to help your team win?
DO ...
YOU...
BLEED ...
RED?
I think they were kidding around, but still -- that's pretty dumb.
College football update
** You saw that score right -- the Delaware Fightin' Blue Hens scored a major upset at Navy with a 59-52 win Saturday (For comparison's sake, the Hens scored one more TD than the Patriots). RB Omar Cuff had four more TDs, bringing his season total to 28 in eight games. He'd already have 30, but he decided not to run up the score on a service academy.
** In eight games this year, Ohio State has allowed five touchdowns by opposing offenses and scored 34 with their offense. They're outscoring opponents 311 to 80.
** The Ursinus Baby Bears beat the Moravian University Moravians 27-0 on Saturday. Take that, Kilker.
Cowboys anagram insult of the week
Admittedly, I'd doubtfult the Eagles have a good chance to beat those stinking, stinking Cowboys next week. But strenger things have happened. And apparently their new guys already think the game is lost: Just look at what "Dallas Cowboys cornerback Evan Oglesby" is saying with his name:
** Cry, crabby old cow slaves. Bank on Eagles O. **
How can you not take gambling advice from a man named Oglesby? Bank on the Eagles.
Our standings so far
First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul -- 1169.11 pts
Second Place: We Want Detmers, Jo -- 1093.27 pts
First Place: Giuliani's 2nd Wife, Jim -- 1076.51 pts
OK, OK, if Paul loses by 39 pts I'll feel bad, but this is the first time since week 2 anyone has been within 100 points of him. And I'm still 170 back. So I won't feel that bad...
For the record
** I really liked the pro column this week -- take a minute and read it.
** NBA commissioner David Stern just told the San Antonio Spurs fans that "their success has made the team the apple of your eye." Really? Does anyone under 50 still use that phrase? Is that gonna win over any younger fans?
** Gawd, I hate Dallas. You'd think after a few years it would start to go away, but gawd I really hate them.
