A little R&R

I'm back on base at Fort Awesome after getting my seal of approval from the crazy Brits. I'll be shipping out on Monday, so until then I'll be relaxing and packing and trying to get this theatrical blood out of my clothes.

If you've got any advice for an eight-hour plane ride, now is the time, kids.

Out damn spot, out!

We've been doing some fairly intensive first aid training out here, so today's lessons were fairly disgusting:

-- Medical instructors have a great time playing with fake blood.

-- A simulated severed hand is still really freaky.

-- Brits have a good time spraying fake blood in your face when they think you might be panicking.

-- Fake blood does not taste very good.

Luckily everything was in a controlled environment, and the answer to most of the questions were "You're never actually going to need this stuff, but just in case ...", and despite all the mess the instructors were basically complimentary to all of us, so we're all good.

But there's still a little red stuff in my ears...

After-hours learnin'

We covered a lot more first-aid and general safety stuff today, but the really important lesson was delivered late last night over beers with the instructors:

-- English soccer fans are all insane.

Just a few hours after we finished a series of lectures on how to handle head trauma and deep puncture wounds, our British experts regaled us with stories of going to matches between fairly insignificant rivals (think Phillies vs. Padres) and starting brawls before the game, starting brawls in the stadium, and then meeting in predetermined areas after the match to rumble with opposing fans.

One guy had a story about a man with a false arm who was banned from the games because he gouged too many people's eyes out with his hook. And did you know you can fit two blades in those exacto knives, thereby making it much harder to stitch up the wound afterwards? Now you do.

Seriously, next time I hear somebody complain about batteries at a baseball game I'm gonna smash my head in with a brick. Then I'm gonna launch into a lecture on the proper way to smack someone in the head with a brick, as told by the Brits.

More tips from off-base

Day two was even more informative than day one:

-- If needed, I can drag a 200-pound unconscious man across a room, but I can't do much of anything after that.

-- Horse farms smell bad in the heat and the rain.

-- Kevlar can slow down bullets but apparently have trouble dealing with exposure to water. Cheap windbreakers are superior apparel in the rain but aren't as effective against small arms fire.

-- If you're performing first aid on someone and they're screaming at you, you don't really need to check for a pulse. They've got one.

-- British Royal Marines' jokes about mines really aren't that funny. But you still should laugh.

Tomorrow's lesson is going to be how to deal with potentially dangerous situations in foreign countries experiencing an inch of rain each hour. At this rate, Thursday's lesson will involve getting on an ark with two of each animal.

Off base in Virginia

The big trip started today with a week of pseudo-military training for reporters in the shadown of the Shenendoah tourist traps. So far, here's what I've learned:

-- I can't tell the difference between a gun and a camera tripod at 300 yards. Also, I can't tell the difference between a man and a tree at 300 yards.

-- Horse farms smell pretty bad in the summertime.

-- If you're hiring a driver in a foriegn country, make sure he at least has a spare tire in his car.

-- Even if it pours 10 inches in the previous six hours, you should still be wearing suntan lotion when the sun comes back out.

-- Canadian journalists do refer to themselves as canucks.

More to come as the week rolls on...

By the way

Long hair and combat zones don't mix, mostly for heat and sanitary reasons, so...


I know I usually do some great things with photoshop, but I assure you this is real. And very, very weird.

Where I'll be until September

Some of you already know this, and for the rest of you I'm sorry I haven't called to explain it yet, but here's your heads up: I'll be traveling to Afghanistan on July 7 and be reporting on U.S. military operations there until Aug. 11.

Yeah, it's really wacky. I'll do anything to get out of mowing the lawn.

Every two years or so, every reporter who works at Stars and Stripes spends six weeks downrange to report on the troops (that's what we do after all) and what's going on in the combat zones. This isn't why I took the job, but I do believe it's an important part of what we do, and it's also something that I think I can help a lot of people with. Most of my reporting will simply be "life in Afghanistan" type stories about how guys are coping with the heat and being away from home, but there will also be some "how to stay safe" and "what exactly are we doing here" reports as well. Troops serving overseas deserve to read the news too.

I actually head out to Virginia for training next week then head to Germany on July 3 to pick up my computer and other equipment, and I'll spend a week in Germany after my time in Asia is up. So I'll be back in the U.S. Aug 18, jet-lagged and likely pretty dusty.

My darling wife will be looking for some kind words and friendly faces during the time I'm gone, so please please please drop her a line and see if there's anything you can do to help her out. If you can curse about the lack of a hefty Eagles RB for third-and-short situations, she might not even notice that I'm not around.

I will have e-mail while I'm overseas. Mainly it will be through the work address, but hopefully I'll also have some access to this blog to keep you kids updated, so keep checking in.

Send me some Phillies scores and say a prayer for me while I'm gone (if you need a God to pray to, it probably counts double if you pray to mine). I'll be back in plenty of time to set up the fantasy football league, so somebody keep Donovan McNabb away from motorcycles while I'm gone.

And we'll have a big Labor Day party at Fort Awesome when I get back, so mark your calendars now.

Seen in slower Delaware

Which is funnier:

Billboard -- "Credence Clearwater Revisted, July 27"

or....

Billboard -- "Think chuch is boring? Try us!"

Just relaxing watching the Phils....

What I've seen so far:

** With two outs in the top of the second and no one on base, the Mets manage to squeeze a run out of the inning.

** With no outs in the bottom of the second and two men on base, the Phils manage to come away with no runs scored.

** In the top of the third, the Phils manage two errors after giving up a solo home run and drop behind on the scoreboard 6-0.

You know what? That hockey game on NBC suddenly looks very interesting.

Fun with headlines

Time for everyone's favorite game, Yahoo news story or Weekly World News alert?

Polar bears may be turning to cannibalism

San Fran hires nudes to protect Golden Gate bridge

Jehovah's use bullhorns on those who don't answer their doors

Beer ingredient may fight prostate cancer

Monks chastized for noisy World Cup celebrations

Man offers soul for sale online

More Eagles predictions

Sports Illustrated online has a list of breakout stars for 2006, and Philadelphia behemoth Shawn Andrews makes the list.

And while I'm not one to turn down a compliment, that's ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong -- that this dump truck of a man is gonna be a great stopper. But even if he's a Pro-Bowler, no one is going to have any idea who he is.

Think I'm wrong? Name one Pro-Bowl O-lineman from last year. Scratch that. Name two offensive lineman who played for an NFL team other than the Eagles last year.

Yeah, me either.

Of course, that didn't stop the Eagles from signing Andrews to a seven-year deal today.

By the way, Dawkins is in the last year of his contract. That needs to be fixed. NOW.

Nobody is gay for Moleman

I made a few changes to the sidebars over there, with more to come. But I wanted to get Don't Blog the Baby over there so we could all see the Little Cracker trying to raise his newborn son.

By the way, you're gay for Moleman.

More fun with Madden

To predict how the season opener against Houston will turn out, I fired up the ole' Madden 2006 game again today. I'm pretty sure this is an accurate prediction:


The final score doesn't tell the real story.


For your information, the previous record for receiving yards in a game was 339 (Willie Anderson, 1989, LA Rams) and the previous record for total yards from scrimmage was 404 (Glyn Milburn, 1995, Denver). Westbrook had a 65 yard rushing TD, a 97 yard receiving TD, and another 70 yard TD catch. McNabb threw for 449 yards and 7 TDs and wasn't even worth a mention.

Again I say, why can't more football games be like this?

Baby baby baby, baby!

Congrats go out to Mr. Thal and his lovely wife (who did all the work) on the birth of yet another Thal, Aidan Patrick "Lou Tilley" Lilienthal. You can read all about the happy news at the wonderfully named Don't Blog the Baby without a Blog Cloth, which I'll soon be adding to the sidebar list of sites that are actually funny (unlike this one).

For the record, it appears I was a little off with my prediction of what the baby would look like.


They're both cute kids, but I guess I'd have to give the edge to the real Aidan. Maybe the next one will have his father's scruff.