Fantasy league 2019 -- week 8 recap

The best Halloween names on current NFL teams.

** Bills RB Frank Gore
** Racial Slurs WR “Scary” Terry McLaurin (his actual nickname)
** Raiders CB DJ Killings
** Patriots K Stephen Gost-kowski
** Cowboys owner Jerry “Cryptkeeper” Jones
** Panthers RB Mike Boo-ne
** Vikings LS Austin Cutting
** Patriots QB Tom “I’ll be cheating until I’m 60” Brady

QB: Daniel Jones, 36.18 pts — on the wire
WR: Mike Evans, 30.70 pts — started by Mike
RB: Tevin Coleman, 36.37 pts — started by Jo
TE: Ryan Griffin, 20.90 pts — on the wire
K: Dan Bailey, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New England, 22.00 pts — started by me
D: Bruce Irvin, 12.50 pts — on the wire

You know it’s a rough fantasy week when the best QB was the starter for a Giants team that lost.

Missing from this list is Rams WR Cooper Kupp, who hauled in seven passes for 220 yds but had one less TD than Evans (who had a paltry 198 receiving yds).

And Coleman had one of the weirdest RB lines you’ll ever see: 13 touches, 118 total yds, 4 TDs. He scored almost one out of every three times he touched the ball. You think they’d use him more often with that kind of skill…


“Meh QBs” edition

3rd place: Teddy Bridgewater, -0.20 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Nick Mullins, -0.30 pts — on the wire
1st place: Dwayne Haskins, -0.68 pts — on the wire

Both Bridgewater and Mullins came in for mop-up work in big wins and recorded a few kneel-downs. Haskins, on the other hand, played the second half of the Maryland Racial Slurs’ Thursday game against the Vikings, and managed only 33 passing yds and an interception in what had been a close game. For the season, he has 140 passing yds and four turnovers, worth -0.10 pts. Not a great look for the former Ohio State great.


** After being released from the Eagles for subpar play, CB Orlando Scandrick ripped players on the team, saying that “I felt like they were still living off that Super Bowl high. It's over. They're living in the past."

It’s a confusing statement to hear from Scandrick, an 11-year veteran who spent his first nine years with the Cowboys, because Dallas only won two playoff games in his entire tenure there, so how does he know what it’s like to have a Super Bowl high?

** The NBC DC 11 pm news on Saturday night had a live report from Natinals Park during game 4 of the World Series. The local team was down 8-1 in the 8th inning at the time, but correspondent Shomari Stone noted that fans were still holding strong hoping for a rally … as the camera showed a steady stream of fans behind him leaving the park early.

I dunno, maybe just angle a different direction before you lie about how faithful the local fans are.

** Headline on AL.com this week: “Alabama now leads nation in one of Nick Saban’s favorite stats.”
I’ll spare you the click: It’s turnover margin. You know, the little known football stat that only Red Tide coaching genius Nick Saban knows about. From the article:

“Nick Saban has consistently called turnover differential one of the three most indicative stats tied to success in the game. Third-down conversions and big plays also make the list and Alabama’s offense is ranked in the top 10 of those categories as well.”

Have more big plays, more offensive possession and fewer turnovers than your opponent and you’ll win. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?

A quick look at current team memorabilia for sale on NFL.com vs. how many game tickets that would buy on StubHub:

— Autographed Jets QB Sam Darnold helmet ~~ $284.99
Jets at Maryland tickets ~~ starting at $15
Your choice: Pay nearly $300 for the signature of a QB who sees ghosts when he plays or spent the same amount of money to take 18 friends with you to FedEx field to see Darnold struggle in real life. Tough call.

— Autographed Bengals AJ Green jersey ~~ $224.99
Bengals at Miami tickets ~~ starting at $17
You could only bring 12 friends with you for the price of the jersey, but you also most likely won’t get to see Green’s name on the field if you do that. He’s been out with a leg injury all year.

— Autographed Falcons QB Matt Ryan framed jersey display ~~ $622.49
Bucs at Atlanta tickets ~~ starting at $22
One fancy jersey, or twenty-eight tickets for a pivotal matchup between the third and fourth place teams in the NFC South. Oh and Ryan may not be at the game either, since he missed his start last week with an injury.

— Autographed Giants WR Odell Beckam picture ~~ $202.49
Dolphins at Giants tickets ~~ starting at $52
You couldn’t even afford four tickets in New Jersey at the price of the picture, but at least you’d know what team all the players are on. Despite Beckham being traded to the Browns six months ago, this is still a top seller on the Giants’ fan page.


The Cowboys invested a fourth-round pick in running back Tony Pollard last spring in an effort to help stabilize their offense, given past problems with star RB Ezekiel Elliott. And the good news for Dallas is that Pollard has been a perfect fit thus far, in game play and a complete lack of moral character. No surprise, it’s all right there in his name:

RB Tony Pollard
** Portly-born lad
** Brandy trollop
** Torn, baldy pro
** Drab pony troll
** No try, ball drop

Remember, you can’t spell Pollard without “plod.” Or “lard.” Or “rap doll,” but I’m not sure if that really applies here.

** Another week, another tie with Dad. For the year, I’m down eight in our weekly picks and 0-5-3 in our head-to-head matchups. The good news is that if I continue tanking like this, I’ll be in good position for the top draft pick next year.

** I still hate the Natinals.

** At 4-4, the Eagles are ninth in the NFC playoff race. The good news is that they’re somehow only half a game behind the Cowboys for the division lead. The bad news is they still somehow looked pretty bad in a 31-13 win this week.

Week 8 standings

1 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 1048.05 pts
2 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 1035.53 pts
3 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 969.95 pts
4 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 951.94 pts
5 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 941.89 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 922.13 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 909.50 pts
8 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 871.09 pts
9 — Costumed Customers (Paul), 866.66 pts
10 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 865.97 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 813.25 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 21.90 pts

Huge, huge, HUGE week from Sam, who posted an unreal 197.86 pts this week and jumped from 8th to 3rd. And he did it with three players on a bye, and none of the top performers of the week — just solid 20-plus pts performances from almost his entire squad. Crazy.

But perhaps not as crazy as Joey McDeadaccount, who got his first TD of the year on a 45-yard bomb by Lions WR Marvin Hall (who has accounted for all of his team’s points). One more week like this and I’m going to have to find the login for that account, so I can drop Hall.

An OK week by my team coupled with a very strong week from Mike puts him into first place, but I get my starting QB off a bye on Sunday (but against my defense, so…)

Remember that the 49ers play this Thursday, so get your team ready. The Cardinals play that night too, but nobody really cares.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 7 recap

Minor points of concern after the latest Eagles game:

** They gave up 14 points in the first six minutes of play this week.
** They have trailed by double digits in the first half of six of their seven games.
** They have surrendered 37-plus points each of their last two games.
** They haven’t had a 100-yard rusher since Oct. 1, 2017.
** They have lost four in a row to the Cowboys.
** They are not good.

Other than that, the team looks solid.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 53.76 pts — started by Joel
WR: Marvin Jones Jr., 35.20 pts — started by Mom
RB: Chase Edmonds, 33.20 pts — on Mom’s bench
TE: Darren Waller, 23.90 pts — started by Ant
K: Greg Zuerlein, 15.00 pts — started by Dad
DEF: New England, 34.00 pts — started by me
D: Chandler Jones, 14.50 pts — started by Mike

So close! If only anyone could figure out who the Cardinals are starting at RB on any given week. Chase Edmonds — the Arizona backup who rushed for 126 yds and three TDs on Sunday — ruined everyone’s fantasy day because starting RB David Johnson wasn’t hurt, but then didn’t really play. Either be a starter or a bench guy, Chase. You’re not helping anyone out if we don’t know whether to start you.

A 50-plus pts fantasy performance is pretty rare, and now we’ve had two in the last three weeks. Following DeSean Watson’s six TD day earlier this month, Rodgers posted his own on Sunday: 429 passing yds, 5 passing TDs, and one rushing score. It’s only the third time this year that Rodgers has been above the 20 fantasy pts mark, and only the third time since the start of the 2018 season that he has thrown at least three TDs a game. For comparison, QB Carson Wentz has five over that span (in five fewer games) and wasn’t getting drafted by anyone in the first four rounds of fantasy drafts. About time Rodgers lived up to his hype.

Jones’ four TD receiving day gave him more end zone visits in one afternoon than WRs Michael Thomas, Alshon Jeffery, JuJu Smith-Schuster, Odell Beckham and Davante Adams have on the season so far. He also managed to do it without breaking 100 yards in receptions, which seems mathematically impossible.


“Bad D” edition

3rd place: Atlanta, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Oakland, -5.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Detroit, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Three games after almost upsetting the Kansas City Chiefs, the Lions are now in complete free fall. On Sunday they allowed 42 pts, recorded no turnover or sacks, and earned the worst possible defensive fantasy score this week. The good news is they play the Raiders in two more weeks, so maybe the complete lack of defense won’t matter as much then.

Not included on the list: The Eagles defense, which did not play this week. I mean, I can’t find any evidence they did…


“Sam Darnold” edition

1st place: Sam Darnold, -6.66 pts — on the wire

That score is not a misprint.

Jets QB Sam Darnold had a night on Monday, throwing four interceptions and fumbling once (and giving up a safety) against only 86 passing yds. You were worth 6.66 more fantasy points than Darnold this week without ever leaving the couch.

Amazingly, however, it doesn’t even crack the top five of the worst single-game fantasy performances of the last 15 years. Former Bears QB Rex Grossman had two games in 2006 alone where he posted fewer than -6.7 fantasy points. And two years ago, then Bills QB Nathan Peterman (still in the league, somehow) dropped a -6.96 pts score thanks to five interceptions against six completions for 66 yds (6-6-6, sensing a pattern here?).

For the record, Darnold’s performance equaled a 3.6 QB rating, more than 10 times worse than the 39.6 rating he would have recorded if he simply threw his first pass into the ground and left the field. Although, if he aimed for the ground, he still probably would have been intercepted.

** On Sunday morning, before the professional football began but after the collegiate football had finished for the weekend, ESPN’s SportsCenter trotted out its top plays of the previous day. Number #1 on the list was a spectacular fourth-quarter juggling interception by the Air Force football team (not the actual military force, that would be a very different choice) at the opposite 8-yard line that was returned for a TD, to put the cap on a 56-26 blowout of Hawaii (the football team, not the state).

It’s a solid pick … if #2 wasn’t the two-run walk-off home run that send the Houston Astros to the World Series. That play was arguably the most important moment in the American League playoffs so far. The Air Force interception didn’t even effect the point spread.

But ESPN has made a business out of choosing cool looking plays over actual substance, so way to stay on message.

** From NFL.com’s “what did we learn in week 7” column: “The Redskins (1-6) deserve some credit for nearly spoiling the 49ers' undefeated season.”

They lost 9-0. I went back and checked, and no team in NFL history has managed to win a game without scoring a point. Praise the Racial Slurs’ defense if you want, but don’t say they almost won when they never got on the scoreboard.

Trades aren’t as common in the NFL as other sports leagues, but as the end-of-month trade deadline approaches, several big names are expected to make some moves. On Tuesday alone, the Patriots acquired WR Mohamed Sanu from the Falcons and the 49ers got Broncos WR Emmanuel Sanders. Here’s a few other teams considering major shake-ups:

** Bengals: Cincinnati is contemplating trading Pro Bowl WR AJ Green in exchange for at least two professional-level football players, thereby doubling their current total.

** Browns: Cleveland ownership has been in talks with the Lakers to acquire LeBron James, because why not?

** Eagles: Team officials are offering a third-round draft pick for an easily injured cornerback to add to their current collection.

** Chargers and Rams: In light of the teams’ recent slides, Los Angeles officials have said they are willing to trade one or both teams to any interested city with a solid MLS squad.

** Giants: The team would like to exchange QB Eli Manning for a less frumpy looking paperweight.

** Patriots: Coach Bill Belechick announced in a press conference that any player on his team is up for trade in exchange for unicorn blood to help keep him alive.



Xavier Su'a-Filo is a five-year pro who played college ball in UCLA and has been considered a solid if not special offensive liveman. The Cowboys are his third professional team since entering the league, but Dallas officials are confident he’ll be a long-term fit for their organization considering his … unique … character. Consider:

Cowboys O-lineman Xavier Su'a-Filo
** Our wily vision -- Box o’ malfeasance

Getting the dash and the apostrophe to work in there should have been more of a challenge, honestly.

** When is a tie a win? When I don’t lose to Dad in the weekly picks. I’m still looking for my first victory of the season, but at least I didn’t lose ground, splitting our picks on Sunday. Thank you to the Titans for your goal-line stand to leave me at a mere 8 games back.

** Fun fact I heard this week: With their ALCS defeat this weekend, the Yankees failed to reach the World Series at all in the 2010s. It’s the first decade they have not played in the final championship series at least once since the 1910s.
So, take that, NY.

** So, basketball, eh? At least that will take a few months to be completely disappointing?

Week 7 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 930.52 pts
2 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 888.17 pts
3 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 836.48 pts
4 — We Love the Mud (Mom D) 820.38 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 801.06 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 783.44 pts
7 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 781.54 pts
8 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 772.09 pts
9 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 771.04 pts
10 — ToMediocreOrLess (Paul), 734.52 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 716.98 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount), 12.13 pts

Joey actually had two players score this week, but he left 0.90 pts on his bench by not starting one of them. Poor strategy by him.

But good strategy by me. Another first-place finish this week coupled with a mediocre showing by Mike gives me a good bit of breathing room atop the standings. Special thanks to the New England defense for continuing to play terrible teams.

Mom D is charging up the charts, just a few points behind third place, and Joanna’s big week jumped her up a few spots. Jeff’s team took a hit this week, and I’m not sure Paul’s team lived up to its new name.

Thursday Night Football this week is the Vikings vs. the Maryland Racial Slurs. The commercials for the game have had an annoying eight-year-old getting in a trash talking contest against a grown man (and winning, because the Maryland fan can’t reference any success from the last two decades). I imagine the game isn’t going to be much more interesting than that sorry display of an ad, but get your rosters set anyway.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 6 recap

 

The new XFL, set to begin play next spring, is holding its inaugural player draft this week. Already such luminary QBs Cardale Jones and Matt McGloin have been assigned to the league’s eight teams, but here are a few other big names franchises should be targeting in the draft:

— Tampa Bay Vipers: QB Vincent Testaverde, son of longtime Buccaneers QB Vinny Testaverde, makes sense here as an appeal to the local fan base, since there are no other notable QBs in Tampa football history.

— St. Louis Battlehawks: If Punter Brad Wing can’t get drafted by a team named the Battlehawks, why are we even doing this?

— Los Angeles Wildcats: Former Delaware WR Vinny Papale, son of Eagles walk-on Vince Papale, makes sense due to the team’s proximity to Hollywood and the opportunity for a sequel to the movie “Invincible.”

— D.C. Defenders: RB Matt Jones, known as Fat Matt during his days with the Maryland Racial Slurs, could return to the DC area to prove the problem was with how awful Dan Synder runs his franchise and not Jones’ talent.

— New York Guardians: They should try and draft QB Eli Manning. It’s not like he’s doing anything useful in the NFL right now.

 

QB: Matt Ryan, 38.94 pts — started by Mike
WR: Stefon Diggs, 34.93 pts — on Ant’s bench
RB: Nick Chubb, 25.83 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Hunter Henry, 22.67 pts — on the wire
K: Joey Slye, 15.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: (tie) Denver, 28.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: (tie) New England, 28.00 pts — started by me
D: Devin Bush, 12.50 pts — on the wire

Six QBs topped 30 fantasy pts this week, but Ryan was the only one of the group who managed to lose his game despite his stats. Congrats! He also has the most TD passes in the league (15) and the second-least wins in the league (one, over the Eagles).

Another ridiculous week by the New England defense gives them 141 fantasy pts for the season thus far, almost twice as many as the second-place San Francisco 49ers (77 pts). The combined record of their six opponents so far is a eye-popping 10-23, with four of those wins coming from the Bills (the only team with a winning record the Patriots have played). They’ll face two more squads with losing records before starting the real part of their schedule: consecutive games against the Ravens, Eagles, Cowboys, Texans and Chiefs. We’ll see if their defense is still scoring double-digit fantasy points after that.


“Skill positions” edition

3rd place: Josh Rosen, -0.60 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Marcus Mariota, -1.08 pts — on the wire
1st place: Ray-Ray McCloud, -1.80 pts — on the wire

Bucs QB Jameis Winston threw five interceptions this week, and wasn’t close to the worst QB to take the field. Mariota and Rosen were both top-10 picks and both managed to be complete drains on their teams this week, combining for four interceptions, less than 150 yds passing and no scores. Both ended up on the bench at the end of their games. Rosen has only thrown one TD against five interceptions on the season, and is worth 19.98 fantasy pts after five games — just about 160 pts behind league-leader Russell Wilson.

Believe it or not, the Eagles defense wasn’t the worst in the league this week (tied for third). That total goes to Matt Ryan’s Falcons, who surrendered 34 pts and had no turnovers or sacks. So the Eagles may have given up more yards and points in their game, and they lost to another key playoff contender, and they lost to the Vikings for the second year in a row, but at least they you know what nevermind it was the worst performance of the week.

** I couldn’t pick my least favorite Cris Collinsworth moment of Sunday night, so you pick which one is worse:

While talking about Steelers third-string QB Devlin Hodges — pressed into service by multiple Pittsburgh injuries this season — Collinsworth noted that he passed for 14,500 yds at Samford college, setting the new record FCS record. “That counts for something,” Collinsworth said. “14,000 yards is hard to throw for against air!”

I tested out Collinsworth’s theory the next day, casually tossing a football into the air in my living room. The air, as expected, provided little opposition. My throws were only about a foot and I stopped after about 15 throws, but I’m betting if I really focused and spent 20 minutes every night for four years (Hodges, after all, got four years to set that mark) I could top 20,000 yds easy.

Collinsworth was a wideout, so it’s no surprise that he thinks air must provide some opposition to the QB. After all, if it doesn’t, why didn’t the ball get thrown to him every time?

** Collinsworth, a few minutes after that gem, was lauding Steelers RB James Connor for pushing through two defenders. “He’s always fighting,” the NBC commentator said. “You knew he’d be a fighter after overcoming cancer.”

First off, no. Fighting for yards in a game is not the same thing as having the mental fortitude to weather the pain of chemotherapy. But, more importantly, you know how we know Connor is a fighter on the football field? Maybe all of his play last season, where he gained more than 1,400 yds. His last cancer treatment was almost four years ago. Might as well throw in there “you knew he’d be a fighter after he survived that C- in freshman English.”

** Following his team’s loss to the previously winless New Jersey Jets, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he does not believe his team is “really one of the top teams” in the NFL.

Your team has lost three in a row and couldn’t beat the winless Jets, Jerry. No one thinks they’re one of the top teams.

The Vatican caused a minor NFL stir this week when the Pope sent out a tweet about Catholic saints that included the hashtag for the New Orleans Saints. A lot of folks make puns about the Saints’ win coming via support from a higher power, but this isn’t the first time a religious organization has backed an NFL team. Consider these tweets from just the last few weeks:

— We support the #Bears and all our woodland friends. Crush those bloodthirsty meat #Packers! ~~~ @WiccansUnited

— Odin smiles on our #Vikings today! ~~~ @NorsemenOfTheWorld

— You know what to do, #Lions. Make a meal of those lousy theists. ~~~ @AntiChristianCoalition

— Your puny #Giants are no match for our wondrous #Titans. Zeus commands you to go home! ~~~ @AncientGreekRevival

— Let’s go #Cowboys! We stand with you! ~~~ @ChurchOfSatan


Big week in Big D — The Eagles travel down to Texas this week to decide whether they or the Cowboys are in first place in the NFC East. Both teams are coming off demoralizing losses, and the two co-leaders of the division won’t face off again until the second-to-last week of the season.
But it’s more than just a football game. It’s really a morality play we get to witness twice a year, a periodic referendum on the status of the universe. Can the spreading darkness and dread of the Cowboys ethos be stopped by servants of light? Have we as a people lost our way, or is Dallas headed for a well-deserved and cleansing loss?

In times like these, my friends, we can only turn to the letters themselves for to speak truth and wisdom.

The Eagles Cowboys rivalry resumes Sunday 
 ** Yes — Good men always best evil curses. Hurray!

Remember: You can’t spell Dallas without “all sad.” Let’s hope good prevails again.

** I’m down 8 to Dad in our weekly picks and really have no idea how I’m ever going to win a week again.

** Gawd, I really hate the Natinals.

** Thank you, Coach Pederson, for promising a win over the Cowboys next Sunday night and causing a few extra days of anxiety that I didn’t need.

Week 6 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 799.21 pts
2 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 788.25 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 719.49 pts
4 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 714.06 pts
5 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 702.71 pts
6 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 687.11 pts
7 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 670.00 pts
8 — Philly Special (Jo), 659.29 pts
9 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 659.09 pts
10 — ToInfinityAndBeyond (Paul), 635.49 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 597.32 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 8.50 pts

Another huge week for Mike (167+ pts) puts him just a hair below first place (I was this close to topping 800 pts this week) and creates a big gap between the top two in the standings and the rest of the crowd. Jeff and Mom D also made impressive pushes up the charts this week, and don’t sleep on Bob climbing up from the bottom of the rankings to respectable territory.

On the flip side, bye weeks killed Dad’s momentum, and I’m pretty sure Jo hasn’t set her roster in weeks. And Anthony’s misplaced faith in the Eagles defense prompted him to leave Stefon Diggs and his 35 fantasy pts on the bench, costing him a medal position for the week.

But the biggest shocker of the week may be Joey McDeadAccount again posting big point totals — WR Marvin Hall of the Lions (not to be confused with WR Marvin Jones of the Lions) had a 58-yard catch at the start of Monday night’s game, doubling our last-place squad’s point total for the season. Joey is on pace to score 24 pts on the season, better known as a standard Lamar Jackson scoring day.

Thursday night’s game is the Chefs vs the remains of the Denver Broncos, a pivotal AFC West match-up that would be so much better on a Sunday afternoon than on a short week’s rest. Get your lineups set anyway.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 5 recap

The Eagles extended an unusual decades-long streak on Sunday: They didn’t lose the New Jersey Jets. Since the former AFL franchise began play in 1960, the Jets’ have never beaten the Eagles, in the regular season or the playoffs. It’s the longest such streak (11-0) of a short list of teams who have never won a game against another franchise (The Texans have also never beaten the Eagles, in five tries).

In honor of the achievement, let’s take a quick look back at the first contest between the two teams — a 24-23 win in Philadelphia on Dec. 9, 1973 — to get a sense of how much time has passed:

** Eagles WR Harold Carmichael was the star of that contest, catching five passes for 146 yds and a TD.

** The game happened so long ago that the Jets franchise was actually located in New York at the time, playing in Shea Stadium before moving to their current home in the Garden State.

** Almost three years to the day after the game was played, Donovan McNabb was born. He would add two more Eagles wins to the list in the early 2000s.

** At the time of this game, the Jets were still considered a good franchise. They won a Super Bowl just five years prior. The current New Jersey team has had only one winning season in the last eight years.

** The Jets won’t get another shot at the Eagles until 2023, unless the two teams meet in the Super Bowl before then. See the prior item for the likelihood of that.

 

QB: Deshaun Watson, 51.74 pts — started by Paul
WR: Will Fuller V, 39.47 pts — started by Mike
RB: Aaron Jones, 43.30 pts — started by Sam
TE: Darren Fells, 14.33 pts — on the wire
K: Justin Tucker, 16.00 pts — started by me
DEF: Philadelphia, 38.00 pts — on the wire
D: Orlando Scandrick, 17.50 pts — on the wire

And you call yourselves Eagles fans. Two Philly names on the top performers list and neither one of them started by anyone in the league. You all should be ashamed.

How crazy was this week for fantasy? Our top performers leave out WRs Michael Thomas (182 yds, 2 TDs), DJ Chark (164 yds, 2 TDs) and Amari Cooper (226 yds, 1 TD) along with RB Christian McCafferty (237 total yds, 3 TDs) and QB Dak Prescott (463 yds, 2 TDs and 3 INTs). Jones had four TDs in the game against the Cowboys, Fuller had 3 and 217 yds receiving, and Watson had 5 TDs, 426 yds passing and 47 more rushing to top the 50-point mark.

If you had the perfect lineup this week (the above 7, plus McCafferty, Thomas, Chark, RB Josh Jacobs, and LB Brian Burns) you would have scored an insane 332 pts. As is was, those points were pretty evenly spread among all of our teams. Way to be supporting the concept of group sharing and communism, you lousy hippies.



“Players from the Eagles/Jets game” edition

3rd place: Josh McCown, -0.20 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Luke Falk, -1.20 pts — on the wire
1st place: Corey Clement, -2.00 pts — on the wire

Clement gave the Jets their only points of the afternoon when he fumbled a punt deep in Eagles territory. Remember when this guy was a Super Bowl hero? So far he is worth -2.04 fantasy pts this season. Ouch. And now he's probably the Eagles #3 running back, because Darren Sproles is dead again.

Falk, the third-string QB pressed into service this season for the New Jersey Aeroplanes, was 15 for 26 with 120 yds and 2 interceptions (one returned for a TD). That’s a passer rating of 37.3, slightly worse than your QB rating of 39.5 on Sunday (1 attempt, 0 yds). He also had a fumble returned for a TD and was sacked 10 times. Also, there are reports that the Eagles defense stole his lunch money.

It’s worth noting here that the Cowboys defense was worth -1.00 pts this week. So, that’s fun.

** After K Cairo Santos missed four FGs in a 14-7 loss to the Bills on Sunday, the Tennessee Titans cut him from the team. To replace him, the squad signed former Bears K Cody Parkey.

Because nothing settles your kicking problems like bringing in another guy who missed four FGs in a game last year and is best known for hitting the uprights twice to lose a playoff contest.

** Phillies Manager Gabe Kapler still hasn’t been fired, which is pretty dumb.

** There is a ceramic Halloween display up the street from my house that has a bunch of jack-o-lanterns and the word “Scary!” written underneath. And it’s clearly not scary, and it hurts my brain every time I drive by.

For the second week in a row, the NFL boasts a rare treat for October this weekend: A match-up of two winless teams. Next Sunday it’s the 0-4 Dolphins hosting the 0-5 Maryland Racial Slurs in Miami, where the visitors are actually a 3.5-point favorite in the early betting. And even though one team will likely come out of this contest with a win (0-0 tie is in play), there’s a good chance it’s not the last time we’ll get to see a battle of the worst this season. Here’s a quick overview of the bottom of the NFL standings:

** Maryland Racial Slurs
0-5, 14.6 pts scored per game, 30.2 pts allowed per game.
The Slurs have faced a brutal early schedule featuring four 2018 playoff teams: Eagles, Cowboys, Patriots and Bears. But they have also fielded three mediocre QBs, inflamed a months-long standoff with their top offensive lineman, and just yesterday fired their head coach. So maybe the schedule alone isn’t to blame.

** Cincinnati Bengals
0-5, 16 pts scored per game, 27.2 pts allowed per game
On paper the Slurs are a worse team, but the Bengals just lost to the previously 0-3-1 Cardinals this week on a last-second FG, so they get ranked lower. Their four of their next five are against teams with winning records, with the Jaguars as the only sub-.500 contest. So 0-10 is in play.

** New Jersey Jets
0-4, 9.75 pts scored per game, 25.25 pts allowed per game
The good news for the Jets is that they get to play the Slurs, Bengals and Dolphins twice in a six-week span starting in November. The bad news is they play the Patriots, Cowboys and Jaguars before that, so they could enter the Dolphins game in week 9 at 0-7. The team fielded their fourth QB of the season against the Eagles on Sunday, but starter Sam Darnold is expected to return from mononucleosis treatments soon. Unless he doesn’t.

** Miami Dolphins
0-4, 6.5 pts scored per game, 40.75 pts allowed per game
Read that again. That’s a 34-point difference in games so far this year. It’s like the Dolphins managed to give up additional points in their bye week. If they continue at this pace — and they might — they could end up being outscored by more than 540 points this year. It’s truly spectacular ineptitude.


One of the more surprising rookie additions to the Dallas squad this year has been WR Ventell Bryant, not because of this production but because of his origin. Bryant is the all-time leading WR in receptions and yards at Temple University, the pride of the City of Brotherly Love. So how does a man who spent time playing football in Philadelphia end up as a Cowboy?

Fate, in this case.

Dallas Rookie Wideout Ventell Bryant
** Deadly traitor be a known, vile sell-out

Sometimes all the education in the world can’t make you a better person.

** A tie is a win — I managed to go 2-2 against Dad in the picks this week for my first non-losing match-up of the season. Thank you to the Niners and Seahawks for holding me up, even though I don’t really believe in either of your teams. Still seven down on Dad for the year.

** Please make the Washington Natinals go away already.

Week 5 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 639.27 pts
2 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 620.84 pts
3 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 615.68 pts
4 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 597.78 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 590.49 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 586.27 pts
7 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 576.13 pts
8 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 571.01 pts
9 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 565.58 pts
10 — ToInfinityAndBeyond (Paul), 529.73 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 484.60 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadaccount), 4.13 pts

Doyle corner has one less occupant, as Mike surged up the standings this week behind a 152-pts performance. He’s just one good Mike Evans performance away from taking over the top spot (Evans was held scoreless this week, FYI) and could have all-world fantasy performer Saquon Barkley back soon.

I’m still atop the standings but definitely looking back and Mike and Ant. Dad, who thinks he is getting closer to first place but still is not, remains in fourth with all the other teams that haven’t cracked 600 pts on the season yet. Toy Story Paul is pulling away from Joel for the second-to-last spot, but we’ll see if that can last.

Good old Joe McDeadaccount didn’t pick up any extra points this week, because his one active receiver was on a bye week. He is averaging less than a point a week so far this season, which puts him on pace to finish just ahead of the Dolphins.

Thursday night game this week is the Giants vs the Patriots, so expect 10,000 replays of the Super Bowls where Eli got MVP awards for no real reason. And Sunday marks our first 9:30 am game of the season, Panthers vs Bucs, because the NFL hates you and does not want you to be able to watch football when it’s convenient.

Fantasy league 2019 -- week 4 recap

 

Eleven months ago, Phillies owner John Middleton said that he was going into the offseason “expecting to spend money, and maybe even be stupid about it.” Here’s how that played out:

** Spent $30 million on the 59th ranked player in baseball (OF Bryce Harper).

** Spent $10 million on another OF who played about one-third of the season (Andrew McCutchen).

** Spent $5.4 million on another OF who played about one-quarter of the season (Odubel Herrera).

** Spent $25 million on a SP who went 8-8 with a 4.64 ERA (Jake Arrieta).

** Spent $10 million on a RP who threw fewer than seven innings on the year (David Robertson).

** Spent $9 million on another RP who threw fewer than six innings on the year (Tommy Hunter).

** Spent $7.8 million on another RP who threw only 18 innings this year (Pat Neshek).

** Spent $9.2 million on another RP who posted a 4.75 ERA (Juan Nicasio).

** Spent $1 million on a manager who has no clear ability to manage (Gabe Kapler).

Stupid indeed. Congrats on that 4th place finish in the division with a payroll $20 million above the first place team.

 

QB: Jameis Winston, 37.30 pts — on the wire
WR: Chris Godwin, 29.47 pts — started by Joel
RB: Nick Chubb, 30.48 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Austin Hooper, 13.67 pts — started by Jeff
K: Matt Prater, 15.00 pts — started by Jeff
DEF: New Jersey Giants, 27.00 pts — on the wire
D: Erik Harris, 11.50 pts — on the wire

Good showing by Jeff, but two of those categories are pretty low scoring. He could have traded in the TE and K for the DEF and only lost 1 point.

If you had the Bucs breaking out against the Rams this week, I would like to sign up for your investment newsletter. Tampa Bay scored 55 pts against what was a decent Rams defense coming into this week, and Winston (who is terrible) posted a 120.5 QB rating with four TDs, 385 yds passing and only one interception. Combined with the Cowboys loss and the Eagles stunning win over the Packers on Thursday night, I have come to the conclusion that no one is any good in the NFC.


“More bad defense” edition

2nd place: Miami, -2.00 pts — on the wire
1st place (tie): Green Bay, -3.00 pts — started by Joel
1st place (tie): Baltimore, -3.00 pts — started by Jo

Things could have been even worse for the Ravens, who had an interception and a sack to recover a few fantasy pts after allowing 40 on the scoreboard to the Browns. And Green Bay looked solid for a lot of the first half of the game against the Eagles, but never managed a turnover or a sack.

But the most exciting story here are the Dolphins, whose defense has now totaled -6.00 pts through four weeks of play. That’s really, really tough to do. So far Miami has scored 26 pts on the year but given up 163 through four games. A minus-137 points differential projects out to being outscored on the season by 78 touchdowns (and a field goal). And somehow, they’re tied with four other teams for the worst record in the league, because there is so much bad out there right now.

** After Sunday’s sloppy, come-from-behind victory over the Lions, Chiefs Coach Andy Reid celebrated with his team in the locker room by yelling out “Not all of Mozart’s paintings were perfect!”

Although, I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that Reid can’t tell the difference between music and paintings when we know he can’t tell the difference between a two-minute drill and a 10-minute one.

** Here is an excerpt from the review from masslive.com of the new Stuffed Cheeze-It Pizza, which debuted at Pizza Hut last week and was heavily advertised throughout games this weekend:

It really takes some guts for the company to claim this is “pizza” when it only has one of the key ingredients. There’s no pizza dough and the sauce comes in a separate container. No, it’s more like a cross between a flat mozzarella stick and a memory foam throw pillow. Unfortunately for those who were flimflammed into spending $7.49 for four of these, the pale white contents taste more like the pillow.

In summary, we are doomed as a society.

** Headline: Referee Shot In The Head By Cannon During College Football Game

In summary, we are doomed as a society.

The New Jersey Jets travel to Philadelphia this week to take on the Eagles in the second match-up of the teams this season. The first was a disheartening loss for the Philadelphia squad to finish up the pre-season. What can the team learn from that 6-0 embarrassing defeat?

** Don’t let Wendell Smallwood be your leading rusher — He carried the ball seven times in that game for 23 yds. He’s no longer with the Eagles, butt his caochin staff should be reminded to use their actual #1 back (Jordan Howard) more often than they do.

** QB Luke Falk is beatable — The Jets third-string pass caller actually played in the pre-season finale posting 91 yds on 18 attempts against mostly fifth-string defenders. Because of injuries, he was elevated to the #1 QB in the Jets last game. So if the Eagles first-string defense can’t handle him…

** Don’t let Clayton Thorson in the game — As the Eagles only QB that night, Thorson passed for 84 yds and an interception without leading a single scoring drive. He was cut by the team a few days later and is a member of the Cowboys now, so all the more reason to keep him away from the field.

** There is a Jets player named Trenton Cannon — He’s a running back. How a team from New Jersey can let a man named Trenton Cannon play RB instead of QB is beyond me. This just illustrates how poorly that squad is coached.

** Score some points — In general, it’s difficult to win games where you are shut out. This time, they should try instead of just rolling over and playing dead.


The Cowboys spent a second-round pick on a safety this spring in an effort to shore up their secondary. So far, Donovan Wilson has lived up to expectations, performing well in limited duty. But does he really fit with the Dallas culture? Just shift a few letters around and you can see he clearly does…

Rookie Safety Donovan Wilson
** A void, a fool. Knows no serenity.

FYI, that is the first use of the word “serenity” in 13 years of this blog. You’re welcome.

** Lost again, down seven to Dad now. I’m not going to win a single week this year, am I?

** Delaware (FCS, old Division I-AA) came thiiiiiis close to beating Pittsburgh (FBS, old Division I-A) on Saturday and if they had this entire blog probably would have been just Blue Hen highlights.

** I like the Packers getting 10 days rest angry and losing a close game to an NFC East team getting to match-up against a reeling NFC East Cowboys squad this week...

Week 4 standings

1 — McCown or Never (Capt. Awesome), 519.80 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 509.99 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 498.59 pts
4 — Peabody and Sherman (Dad), 477.56 pts
5 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 467.94 pts
6 — Philly Special (Jo), 455.05 pts
7 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 433.59 pts
8 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 431.93 pts
9 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 427.52 pts
10 — SoccerSeasonOrphans (Paul), 408.97 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 405.19 pts
12 — I love the Cowboys (Joey McDeadAccount), 4.13 pts

Joey is finally on the board! WR Marvin Hall, a free agent without a team when I assigned dead players to this team at the start of the season, was signed to Detroit Lions practice squad a few weeks ago and made the active roster just before the game against the Eagles. On Sunday, he had two catches for 47 yds, giving our squad of loser fantasy players its first points of the year.
Obviously this is a bitter disappointment to me, since I liked seeing zeroes next to “I love the Cowboys” each week.

But, in the interest of statistical experimentation, I’m going to leave Joey’s roster as is and see just how many pts it can accumulate. If Hall turns into an actual fantasy asset (unlikely, but then again I thought he wouldn’t record a catch this year) then I may need to re-evaluate.

In more important news, a strong week by the Josh McCown fan club vaulted me back above Ant and into first place. With Jeff just a few points behind him, we’re starting to create an upper tier of medalists above the rest of you wanna-be Olympians. Dad will insist he is close too, but he is not. It's OK, he never reads the weekly updates.

Our 5-6-7 run has been renamed “Doyle corner” to reflect the family members all group together there, and Paul and Joel are in a tight match to see who can field the worst group of players short of good old Joey’s squad.

Thursday match-up this week is Rams and Seahawks, which would be awesome to watch if it weren’t tired teams fighting it out on a work night. Get your rosters ready anyways.