I was shocked to find out that just this afternoon he had an interview at the local Best Buy in my nieghborhood, which has been looking for a floor sales manager for the last few weeks. But sure enough, my contacts got me the picture below and managed to sneak me a recording of his meeting with the local brass.
Manager: Mr. Theismann, let me tell you it's an honor to meet you, but I'm very surprised to see you here interviewing for a sales job at our store.
Joe: You shouldn't be. I'm a born salesman. What you have to understand is I was out there selling football every week for ESPN. Without me, those were just games. But when viewers turned in, I sold them the idea of watching those games. That's what football is about.
Manager: Uh, sure. So what do you know about electronics?
Joe: You've gotta have good speed on the sales floor. You can't take your time circling around the phone aisle when the customers are locked into the cameras. But speed isn't enough. You need quickness too. And it helps if you're fast. Manager: Uh, OK ..... But what do you know about electronics?
Joe: Take Joe Gibbs. Great coach, but he'd never make it as a salesman. Why? Because he's a coach in football, not in sales. You can't take a genius like Gibbs and expect him to be able to sell laptops, or teach him how to race cars. Because what does a football guy know about racing?
Manager: Mr. Thiesmann, I don't know where to start with that one.
Joe: In football, you should always start with the kickoff. Coaches today can't be thinking about a two-point conversion in the fourth quarter when they haven't kicked off the ball yet. In sales, you should start with selling, or with the kickoff. That's just common sense.
Manager: Listen, I'm not sure you're right for this job.
Joe: See that woman? Want to know how to sell her a printer?
Manager: That's a cardboard cutout of a sales associate.
Joe: It's all about the selling. You've got to tell her that printing is about getting ink on the paper, and this machine will take care of that.
Manager: That's a trash can.
Joe: I'd tell her this is a great north-south printer. When the ink hits the paper, it's running downhill. What I'm impressed with is how the paper takes on the ink. That's a great job of knowing your role. Not like that smart-ass Kornheiser. Doesn't he know who the star is?
Manager: Thanks for your time. We'll be in touch.
My sources tell me that on his way out, Theismann tripped over a 5-year-old running around the store in a Lawrence Taylor jersey. Theismann's leg twisted grotesquely under his body as he fell. People around here are still talking about it as the worst injury they've seen since ... well, you know.
