Fantasy football recap, week 16

        Tis the season, so let's start with ...

Christmas gifts I got this year
** An Eagles birdhouse. It has uprights on the front for visitors to perch on and a scoreboard showing the birds winning 16-0 on the side.
** The Wordsworth Dictionary of Anagrams. Next time I'm looking for an anagram for "unsainted" I'll be able to come up with "inundates" much quicker.
** An interception by Dawkins to help the Eagles retake the NFC East lead. Although, I'd like to think that all of my shouting helped too.

Top performers
QB: Mark Bulger, 42.22 points -- started by Heidi
RB: Steven Jackson, 37.20 points -- started by Eric
WR: Marvin Harrison, 27.27 points -- started by Joanna
TE: Chris Cooley, 18.13 points -- started by Jim
K: Ryan Lindell, 18.00 points -- started by Jim
DEF: Tampa Bay, 31.00 points -- sitting on Jeff's bench
        Way to blow it, Jeff. We could have had all the top guys started if you would have played along. Christmas is ruined for everyone.

Worst performers, guys who fumbled and did nothing else
First place (tie): Miles Austin, -2.00 points -- on the waiver wire
First place (tie): Troy Walters, -2.00 points -- on the waiver wire
First place (tie): Chad Morton, -2.00 points -- on the waiver wire
        The stat line for all three reads: Zero rushing yards, zero receiving yards, zero TDs, one fumble on a kickoff return.

Andy Reid blown call of the week award
        A special holiday award goes to NBC, who decided to structure most of their NFL broadcast around the Dallas Cowboys this week -- numerous shots of Dallas players' kids, new Tony Romo girlfriend Carrie Underwood, clips of T.O. from practice -- and had little to show in the way of off-the-field video when the Eagles pulled away with the game. Thanks for assuming it was going to be a blowout the other way, guys.
        Honorable mention goes to Jeff, who left 41 points on his bench, 30 of them by starting the Indy defense (one point) over the Bucs D (31 points).

Funniest stat lines of the week
** TE Jeremy Shockey: Two receptions, -3 yards.
** WR Steve Smith: One rush, -5 yards, zero catches.
** QB Mike Vick: Over 1,022 yards rushing for the year, zero chance at making the playoffs.

Smartest thing I heard this week
        Since the stupidest things I heard this week were all Eagles fans saying "I knew this team would get to the playoffs!" I decided I'd enlighten you all instead with some sublime commentary I heard just this morning.
        Courtesy of Anthony Gargano on Philly's 610 WIP:
        "Peyton Manning just tied Joe Montana for seventh on the all-time TD passes list. He's unbelievable. His brother Eli? That guy needs to go see the wizard. He needs some heart."
        I couldn't have said it better myself, at least not without referencing Dopey dwarf from Snow White.

Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        Oh, wait -- I just realized I missed one other anagram last week for the Cowboy's star player. If you look at "star wideout Terrell Owens' sprained fingers" you clearly see:
** In two wins, Eagles freed run, TO’s rat lips erred **
        Do you think that was important? Was that something that may have been useful for the Cowboys to know last week?

Our standings so far
First place: Red Shirteys, Eric -- 2260.96 points
Second place: JapanUSRelations, Anthony -- 2231.48 points
Third place: HoF Bus Drivers, Joanna -- 2177.69 points
        With one week left, Joanna has an outside shot at stealing this thing, but it's really a two-team race. If Eric and Mike Vick can hold off Anthony and John Kitna (really?) for one more week, he gets the coveted title. But Eric hasn't scored fewer than 130 points in the last nine weeks, so it's still a long-shot.
        Meanwhile, the much more exciting race is on at the bottom of the standings. Five teams are fewer than 40 points from the basement, including my own. Who will be our Detroit Lions? I can't stand the excitement.

For the record
** Yet another solid professional column this week, but it's not online yet. I'll post here when it is.
** Dad had an awful week last week, going 0-6 in games we picked different. He's down nine games with just 16 left to go, meaning I'd have to have a monumental collapse to blow it this year. I can't go down with nine games on him. Not with nine games.
** Jags RB Fred Taylor did indeed miss that critical game on Sunday, Jacksonville lost and now is on the verge of missing the playoffs. If only he was on the field to help the Jags' offense cut through the D-line with his glass groin...

Fantasy football recap, week 15

Time for another game...

Pro Bowler or character from Starship Troopers
** Brian Moorman: AFC punter or fictional bug killer?
Answer
** Dizzy Flores: NFC defensive tackle or fictional bug killer?
Answer
** Jeff Saturday: AFC center or fictional bug killing sergeant?
Answer
** Aaron Kampman: NFC special teamer or fictional bug victim?
Answer
** Zander Barcalow: AFC safety or fictional bug victim?
Answer
** Brian Dawkins: NFC safety or universe destroyer?
Answer

Now back to our regular programming...

--- Top performers
QB: Michael Vick, 37.08 points -- started by Eric
WR: Marvin Harrison, 31.73 points -- started by Jo
TE: Desomnd Clark, 27.33 points -- started by Joel
K: Mike Nugent, 17.00 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
DEF: Tennessee, 34.00 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
        And we're back to not mentioning certain Chargers RBs who may or may not have totaled 33.23 points this week.

--- Worst performers, QBs who played half a game
Third place: Matt Schaub, -0.68 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
Second place: Joey Harrington, -2.50 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
First place: David Carr, -2.92 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
        Combined, these guys threw for 177 yards, seven interceptions, no TDs and three losses. That's even worse than Eli Manning, who had 282 yards, two picks, no TDs and only one loss this week.

--- Guess who might not play this week?
        Fred Taylor pulled up lame on a breakaway run during Sunday's game against the Titans. It's the second time he has failed to finish a game he has started this year, and team officials don't know if he'll be OK for this week's game.
        Taylor, long known for his groin durability, said he didn't pull his hamstring, but "sometimes they just spasm." Also, sometimes your groin is made of porcelin, and that adds to it.
        This year Taylor's injury propensity has even spread beyond his loins, as Jaguars backup RB Maurice Jones Drew went down in the same game with a mystery leg injury.
        And yet, somehow he's an alternate for the Pro-Bowl. If Dawkins looks across the field at him, Taylor is liable to end up in the hospital.

--- Stats I was going to look up, but ESPN.com did it first
** The Titans this week had the ball on offense for just 15:38 but won thanks to three defensive scores. That’s the lowest time of possession for a winning team during the 30 seasons in which that statistic has been officially compiled.
** The Bears have never lost a game at Soldier Field in which they held a lead of 21 or more points, winning all 45 times that has happened. It took overtime this week to keep the streak alive, but a win is a win.
** Rex Grossman passed for 339 yards on Sunday. It was the Bears first 300-yard passing game in the last 72 games. For comparison’s sake, it has been one game since the Eagles last had a 300-yard passing game.

--- Andy Reid blown call of the week award
        I'm giving it to the West Coast this week, because starting football at 10 am on Sunday is just sick. Anyone who decides to live there blew making a critical life decision on whether to co-exist with the real world or lag three hours behind.
        Honorable mention goes to the five of you who started a player who didn't register one measly point. You know who you are.

--- Stupidest thing I heard this week
        The University of Washington basketball team head coach was on 950 AM, and was asked by the coach if injuries were going to hurt his team in upcoming games. His response: "Well, the guys who aren't hurt should be fine to play. The one who have injuries that are serious probably won't be contributing much."
        Thanks, coach. Wasn't sure about that one.

--- Stupidest thing Joanna heard this week
        Since I was watching the big Eagles win in a bar, Jo had to relay to me the dumbest things said during the broadcast.
** Strike one: Troy Aikman remarked that "Buckhalter is actually a faster back than Brian Westbrook. Defintely not quicker, but he is faster."
** Strike two: Aikman follwed that up later in the game by observing "Teams that score touchdowns tend to win games, teams that don't tend to lose."
** Strike three: Before the game started Pam Oliver had a lenghty piece on the new Eagles QB that included "Life is pretty good for Jeff Garcia these days, he hasn't been horrible since taking over for McNabb."
        When I got home, blood was trickling out her ears.

--- Our standings so far
First place: Red Shirteys, Eric -- 2100.28 points
Second place: JapanUSRelations, Ant -- 2068.23 points
Third place: HoF Bus Drivers, Jo -- 2033.26 points
        In case you haven't figured it out, this is really a three team race at this point. Mike is less than 80 points behind, but no one else has a chance at the top three. And Eric is slowly pulling away...

--- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        T.O. has had a busy week, what with all the spitting and denying he spit on people and getting fined and not making the Pro-Bowl, so I figured I'd help by giving him an extra special set of anagrams this week.
        ** Terrell Owens, spitter **
-- "Repellent twit errs so"
        ** Terrell Owens, professional bawler **
-- "Fallen WR tries, sees no real pro-bowl"
        ** Dallas millionaire Terrell Owens **
-- "Not a man. A slow, ill, lie seller. Rob, I do."
        Gawd, I hate that guy.

--- For the record
** Even though I was taveling, I did find time for the professional column. I even managed a shout-out to the birds this week.
** Two weeks left, and I'm up three games on Dad. I'm just saying...
** Seattle media item one: This weekend, after major storms blew through the Northwest region, Seattle's Channel 5 touted how they kept everyone up to date on the latest power outages “in your neighborhood.” Funny, I didn’t see that report. Maybe it’s because my power was out.
** Seattle media item two: In all of their promos, sports radio 950 AM uses the clip “And the Seahawks win the game!” yelled excitedly by local sportscaster … Harry Kalas??? What? Don’t you guys have some local announcer who’d be a little more Seattlish? Seriously, we don't use Steve Largent for basketball previews, so don't steal our baseball guy for your lousy team.

Fantasy football recap, week 14

--- Top performers
QB: Drew Brees, 44.76 points – started by Jeff
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, 36.60 points – started by Ant
WR: Donald Driver, 25.07 points – started by Eric
TE: Antonio Gates, 25.93 points – started by me
K: Josh Scobee, 16.00 points – started by Eric
DEF: Miami, 26.00 points – started by Joel
        I do believe that’s the first time this year we’ve started all the top performers. I could go back and check, but frankly that seems like a lot of work when I can just lie to y’all.

--- Worst performers, defenses we started
Third place: Indy, -3.00 points – started by Jeff
Second place: Dallas, -5.00 points – started by Ant
First place: St. Louis, -6.00 points - started by me
        It’s always nice to see Dallas near the bottom of the standings. And it’s nice to see Ant there too for a change.

--- “Who is winning despite all logic” stat of the week
** Seattle: 290 points allowed, 281 points scored, 8-5 record.
** Hotlanta: 244 points allowed, 256 points scored, 7-6 record.
** Broncos: 235 points allowed, 236 points scored, 7-6 record.
** Jets: 254 points allowed, 269 points scored, 7-6 record.

--- Andy Reid blown call of the week award
        The award goes to Fox, courtesy of G's reccomendation. After the Iggles game finished, the network decided to give the good people of Phily bonus coverage of ... the Detroit Minnesota game, which has virtually no playoff implications. Besides, who wanted to see how that Panthers/Giants game was going? What could that possibly mean to Eagles fans?
        Honorable mentions go to Jeff, who left 32 points on his bench, and Jim, who started one Mike out for the year (WR Clayton) and one who has been cut from his team (K Vanderjagt).

--- Saying something nice about the Giants
** Eli Manning had a great day on Sunday, throwing for three TDs and no picks. It's the first time this season he has made it two games in a row without throwing an interception. You'd have to go back 24 games for the last time he managed two games in a row without a turnover. He's currently fifth in the league in interceptions, with 15.
** The Giants defense was excellent this week too, keeping Steve Smith and Keyshawn Johnson out of the end zone and holding Chris Weinke, who has one win in 17 starts, to a mere 432 yards passing.
** Tiki Barber is fourth in the league in rushing, with an impressive 1,282 yards on the ground. That's 12 trips from goal line to goal line this year. That's where he has been running, too: He only has one touchdown in 13 games. He's tied for 61st in the league in that category.

--- Stupidest thing I heard this week
        Mike and I heard a ton of great candidates while attending the Landover Racial Slurs game against the Eagles, including a number of Philadelphia fans who insisted that Jeff Garcia will lead the team to the Super Bowl.
        But the best was a 20-something drunk Slurs fan who tried to pick a fight with a blonde wearing a Trotter jersey, nearly came to blows with his own father (also a Slurs fan), and then shouted down the many, many Eagles fans in our section as the game wound down.
        With two minutes left, the Slurs out of timeouts, and with the Iggles faithful yelling out another E-A-G-L-E-S, he stood up and yelled, “It ain’t over yet! Sit down! Nothing has been decided yet!”
        Three kneel-downs later, I’m still not sure he understood the game was finished.
        The stupidest thing I read was in the Post Monday morning, headlines side by side in the sports section:
        “Washington fans: Not all is lost.”
        “Redskins are eliminated from playoff contention and ensure a last place finish in NFC East.”
        I guess they still can hold out hope for a 7-9 record…

--- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        Who could have seen that drubbing the Saints put on the Cowboys Sunday night? I could have, because it was clearly spelled out by “Dallas Cowboys defensive end Jason Hatcher.” Look:
** D’oh! Saints end cow fever, deny scabs jello. Ha! **
        It’s so sad: No win means no jello for the little cowboys. And I bet T.O. won’t get to take his normal naptime next Saturday either.

--- For the record
** The professional column is up yet again.
** For those of you scoring at home, QBs who have passed for 400-plus yards this year are now 1-5 this year, after Chris Weinke's 432 yards in that loss to the Giants.
** I'm traveling this week and next, so my update probably won't come until Wednesday night next week. Think of it as a way to waste that worthless Thursday and Friday on the schedule right before the holiday.

Fantasy football recap, week 13

--- How'd that birthday thing go?
        Yes, I'm older, and I had a great time celebrating with a bunch of you this weekend.
        But, as you also know, I had complained to many of you that I was not looking forward to Monday night's football game because the Eagles had an abysmal career record on my birthday. For the record it was 1-3, with two losses to the Cowboys on Dec. 4s over the last 30 years. The only win was a 13-9 win in 1983 over the LA Rams, and I don't remember watching that on my seventh birthday.
        So, sadly, the only Eagles games that I could remember watchin on my birthday were heartbreaking losses that made me question the existence of the football gods and whether any good was left in this world.
        Until last night!!!!! Jeff Garcia and Lito pulled together everything they had to get me a very memorable gift-wrapped win, and Dawkins even chipped in a few yards.
        I've got five years before my birthday shows up on a Sunday again, so I can ride this one until I'm in my mid-30s, which is nice.
        Also, for the record, the day after I was born (Dec. 5, 1976) the Eagles lost to the Cowboys 26-7. So apparently my hatred for the Cowboys literally goes back to the first hours of my life.

--- Top performers
QB: Trent Green, 31.88 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
RB: Reggie Bush, 45.43 points -- started by Eric
WR: Marvin Harrison, 24.47 points -- started by Joanna
TE: Antonio Gates, 19.00 points -- started by me
K: Josh Brown, 14.00 points -- started by Paul
DEF: Chicago, 37.00 points -- started by Mike

--- Worst performers, QB edition
Third place: David Carr, -2.22 points -- sitting on my bench
Second place: Brad Johnson, -4.78 points -- on Paul's bench
First place: Rex Grossman, -5.54 points -- started by me
        Johnson and Grossman squared off on Sunday and combined for seven interceptions and no touchdowns. That's great NFC North football for you.

--- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
        Heidi left 42 points on her bench this week, and wins it by default because nobody else really earned it.
        I mean, Neal is still starting Mark Brunell at QB, but we're all getting sick of that, aren't we?

--- Stupidest thing I heard this week
        Since I didn't see a lot of football this weekend, I was worried I might not have enough material for this. Then I realized Joe Theisman was calling the Monday night game.
        Exhibit number one: After Hank Baskett made a catch in the first quarter, he said he sees a good future for "Baz-Kette." I didn't know you could mispronounce that if you tried.
        Exhibit number two: After Donte Stallworth made a spectacular one-handed catch, Joe remarked that the play was "a great individual effort by Richard Marshall," the cornerback who got beat on the play. He fell down and didn't defend the pass or make a tackle. But other than that, great effort.
        Exhibit number three: After an intentional grounding call on Jake Delhomme, Joe told us that "the best way to avoid intentional grounding is to get outside the pocket and throw the ball past the line of scrimmage." In other words, don't intentionally ground the ball.
        Exhibit number four: After a non-pass interference call in the third, Joe said "There is such inconsistency in those calls, what counts as interference, what counts as jamming the receiver, what counts as snuggling." He later claimed "snuggling" is when a cornerback runs shoulder-to-shoulder with a wideout, but no one in the booth would back him up.

--- Fun with QB ratings
        Let's revisit those bottom-feeding QBs again for a minute:
** League average QB rating: 80.4
** Carr's rating Sunday: 56.25
** Johnson's rating Sunday: 10.26
** Grossman's rating Sunday: 1.32
** Me walking outside and throwing the ball into the ground: 39.58 rating
        So, if you dropped a football on Sunday, you were almost 30 times the QB that Grossman was.

--- People I just feel like making fun of
*** Eli Manning threw his 18th and 19th TD passes this week, finally surpassing Donovan McNabb in that statistical category. McNabb, who has 18 this year, hasn't thrown one since week 10 on account of his season-ending injury.
*** Michael Vick hasn't thrown for 300 yards in his last 19 games. He hasn't thrown for 200 yards in his last six games. He hasn't thrown for 150 yards in four games.
*** Tony Romo hasn't won a game yet without the assitance of Satan. It's a fact. Look it up.

--- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        Sometimes I wonder if these anagrams are really worth anything. Is this just all frivolity? Does this really make a difference? Am I making the world a better place?
        This week, "Dallas cowboys nose tackle/DE Jeremiah Ratliff" provided me an answer:
        *** Cowjerks is foiled, fall, cry at bad names, hate Leo ***
        Clearly, if the cowboys are crying because of my insults, I must be doing devine work.
        I'm also apparently causing them to use bad grammar. Who knew?

--- What would it take for Tampa to make the playoffs?
        Even at 3-9, the Bucs still have a shot. All it would take would be:
** Tampa Bay wins its last four games;
** Minnesota loses its next four games;
** Carolina and Atlanta tie in two weeks, but lose thier other games;
** Philadelphia beats Atlanta but loses its other three games;
** St. Louis beats Minnesota but loses its other three games;
** San Fran beats Green Bay but then loses its other three games;
** Green Bay loses to San Francisco next week, beats Minnesota in two weeks, and loses at least one other game;
** Washington beats Philadelphia next week, loses to New Orleans, beats St. Louis, then loses to the Giants;
** and Arizona doesn’t win its last four games.
        If all that happens, Tampa will be 7-9 and be able to win the sixth and final wild card spot over the Eagles, based on that loss in Tampa earlier this year.
        So keep hoping, Bucs fans.

--- Our standings so far
First place: HoF Bus Drivers, Joanna -- 1792.58 points
Second place: JapanUSRelations, Ant -- 1789.44 points
Third place: Red Shirteys, Eric -- 1772.48 points
        Don't look now, but Mike is sneaking up to towards the top three...

--- For the record
** Yep, still doing that professional column.
** For those of you keeping score at home, LaDanian Tomlinson had two more TDs this week, but lost ground in the total scoring race. He's now only ahead of 17 other teams in total TDs, with 28. He's tied with three others.
** Just so you're not confused about my fantasy football prowess -- I may be in next to last place in this league, but I've already won $120 in my other league and am still gunning for more cash. Just thought you should know.

Fantasy football recap, week 12

--- Top performers
QB: Tony #$!@ Romo, 41.84 points -- now sitting on Eric's bench
RB: Joseph Addai, 45.57 points -- started by Jim
WR: Marty Booker, 26.67 points -- sitting on Heidi's bench
TE: Ben Watson, 17.93 points -- started by Heidi
K: Mike Nugent, 17.00 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
DEF: Baltimore, 36.00 points -- started by Heidi
        If only Heidi had picked up Nugent too...

--- Worst performers, QB edition
Third place: Charlie Frye, -0.06 points -- started by Joel
Second place: Rex Grossman, -0.86 points -- started by me
First place: A.J. Feeley, -1.16 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
        I was convinced Matt Hasslebeck was going to be on this list too. He was worth -3.40 points in the first half of that Monday night game (three interceptions, one fumble and little else) but he threw three touchdowns in the second half and got a two-point conversion to end up scoring 19.48 points.

--- The only bright spot of that Eagles disaster
        If you haven't seen the Madden 07 commercial where Colts TE Dallas Clark gets laid out by a virtual Eagles defense, you need to go take a peek now before you read anymore.
        Clark publicly complained in the week leading up to the game that the commercial "made him look like a punk" and didn't show how tough he was, apparently oblivious to the fact that it's a video game, no one could tell it was his virtual double, and it's absolutely hilarious.
        Fast forward to the actual game: The Eagles defense was absolutely inept, failing to stop just about anything the Colts offense threw at them ... except for Dallas Clark, who had one catch for four yards before being knocked silly by the Birds. He's out for the season with a torn ACL.
        And that, ladies and gentelmen, is the definition of poetic justice.

--- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
        This week it goes to NBC, who three weeks ago looked at the schedule and thought the Colts-Eagles game would be more exciting for football fans than the Bears-Patriots match-up.
        Even before McNabb went down, Philly fans knew that was going to be a mess. And do we need to see more Mannings? Way to use that flex scheduling to your advantage, guys. I'm guessing about 20 people sat through that whole game, and 19 of them are sickos who live in Pennsylvania.
        I'm also related to at least five of them and can name three more.
        Honorable mention goes to Neal yet again, who clearly hasn't looked at his team in about a month. He left a WR slot open yet again, started a QB who hasn't played in three weeks and left more than 47 points on his bench.

--- Stupidest thing I heard this week
        In the third quarter of the Giants game, right before the G-men collapsed, TE Jeremey Shockey caught a seven-yard pass. Here was play-by-play man Kenny Albert's call:
        "Shockey with his first catch of the day! (pause) So that gives him four catches for about 30 yards."
        Those details aren't important when you're calling the game. It's all about the excitement you bring as a play-by-play guy.
        The stupidest thing Joanna heard this week was a caller to WIP, who said the Eagles should think about using a draft pick on a reliable back-up QB. His suggestion was to use a third-rounder on a guy you might not be thinking about -- Ohio State QB Troy Smith -- because he thinks the guy will be pretty good.
        I disagree. If Smith, the obvious Heisman trophy winner and the best QB in college football, drops to the fourth round, maybe they should consider it. Instead, I'd like to see them trade that third-rounder for Peyton Manning, to use as a backup, of course.

--- "Who is LaDanian Tomlinson better than?" stats of the week
*** This week, LT had more TD passes (one) than QBs Rex Grossman, Ben Roethlisberger, Trent Green, Mike Vick and Phillip Rivers combined (zero).
*** This year, LT has more receiving TDs (three) than Larry Fitzgerald (two), Antwaan Randle El (two), Randy McMichael (one) and Jason Whitten (one).
*** This year, LT has 26 total touchdowns (if you include those two TD passes.) That's more touchdowns than Jacksonville, Kansas City, the Giants, Green Bay, Tennessee, Washington, Atlanta, St. Louis, Detroit, Minnesota, Miami, Denver, San Francisco, Buffalo, Houston, Arizona, Carolina, Cleveland, Tampa Bay and Oakland. That's 20 teams, for those of you counting at home.

--- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        The Cowboys made a big move this week, dropping kicker Mike Vanderjadt in an attempt to spur their stuttering special teams. Will it work? Just look at the hidden message behind the signing of "Dallas Cowboys brand new kicker Martin Gramatica" and see:
*** Grim news: Bad carny karma-killer can't aid cow boast. ***
        Is there any word that better describes Gramatica than "carny?"
        Seriously, who thinks signing a Gramatica solves any problem?

--- Our standings so far
First place: JapanUSRelations, Ant -- 1623.18 points
Second place: HoF Bus Drivers, Jo -- 1619.95 points
Third place: Red Shirteys, Eric -- 1619.28 points
        Jo took a major stumble this week and needed a big push on Monday night just to stay ahead of Eric. Anthony, meanwhile, is very proud of his team's move to reclaim first, but he keeps forgeting there's a 500-point penalty at the end of the year for using the Dallas defense each week. Once that's factored in, he'll be down near my level.

--- For the record
*** I haven't been fired yet: The professional column is up.
*** There's another Thursday game this week -- Ravens vs the Bungles. Please set your rosters accordingly. Dad, I'm taking the Ravens.

Fantasy football recap, week 11

        Let's try another game, shall we?

--- "Who am I?" quiz of the week
*** I suffered a season ending leg injury in this week's game.
*** I'm well known in the Philadelphia area.
*** I went to college at Syracuse University.
*** I'm a pro-Bowler and a respected African American celebrity.
*** I get sick in Jacksonville a lot.
*** My first name starts with D-O-N-O-V.
        Give up? It's Donovin Darius, safety for the Jacksonville Jaguars. He grew up in Camden and graduated from Syracuse in 1997. He broke his ankle on Monday night.
        Why, who did you think it was?

        Back to our regularly scheduled program...

--- Top performers
QB: Tom Brady, 32.36 points -- sitting on Jeff's bench
WR: Lee Evans, 40.67 points -- sitting on Eric's bench
TE: L.J. Smith, 16.80 points -- started by Ant
K: Josh Scobee, 15.00 points -- started by Eric
DEF: Carolina, 32.00 points -- started by Joanna
        I told you -- I'm not listing the top RB again until it's not LaDanian Tomlinson (42.43 points).

--- Worst performers, players we started edition
Third place (tie): Randy Moss, 0.00 points -- started by Mike
Third place (tie): Alex Smith, 0.00 points -- started by Jeff
Second place: Drew Bennett, -1.00 points -- started by Heidi
First place: Ronnie Brown, -1.80 points -- started by Jeff
        Jeff gets two of the worst performers, sits the best QB, and still manages to outscore most of the league. That's just not fair.

--- The Andy Reid blown call of the week
        Neal almost got this for a second week in a row, this time by starting three players who didn't play and leaving another roster spot empty (that's four goose eggs, a league record!).
        But, really, does anyone deserve this more than big fat Andy? Third and goal from the one-inch line, he calls a pass play and the ball is intercepted. Tennessee didn't even defend the run on the play -- watch it again, and you'll see half the team drop back into coverage.
        On third and an inch, he won't call a run. If he had Barry Sanders, he wouldn't call a run. If he was coaching a sprint team, he wouldn't call a run. If it's third and 15, he'll call a run.

--- Things I'm looking forward to now that the Eagles don't have to worry about the playoffs
*** Worrying about the 2008 season: McNabb might be out for up to a year, so I've already written off 2007. And they have to play the Cardinals in 2008, which is a game that I'm predicting, two years in advance, they will lose.
*** The inevitable resigning of Koy Detmer: It has been 10 years since the Eagles made it through a full season without at least one Detmer showing up on the sidelines. You know it'll happen again in a few weeks.
*** The rest of the Flyers season: Just kidding. Nobody is looking forward to that.
*** Draftsgiving Day: Only 158 days until the draft. This site is already predicting that Philly will pick University of Pittsburgh CB Darrelle Revis with its first-round selection, but they'd be fools to pass up Florida State LB Buster Davis.

--- Stupidest things I heard this week
        It's the all Ohio State edition, because the big win was full of awful commentary.
        With the Buckeyes leading 28-24, commentator Brent Mussberger started talking about "how great these defenses are playing." He brought it up again in the fourth quarter, when the score was 35-31.
        At the start of the third quarter, after Mario Manningham caught a short pass, Mussberger announced "That's the first catch for him since the Wolverines opening drive in the first quarter." It wasn't; Manningham had one catch in the second quarter. About five minutes later, Manningham caught another one, and analyst Kirk Herbstriet announced, "That's the first catch for him since the Wolverines opening drive." He was also wrong.
        At one point late in the fourth, analyst Bob Davie blurted out, "I'm not sure, but I don't think the Buckeyes have forced a turnover in this game." It's a shame that's the kind of thing you just can't look up, especially not when you have all those stat guys up in the press box with you.
        I'd love to see those three take on ESPN's Monday Night Football crew in Celebrity Jeopardy. The winner would get to donate money to brain cancer research. The losers would be us.

--- "Most passing yards in a loss" stat of the week
*** Saints QB Drew Brees, week 11 -- 510 yards, lost 31-16.
*** Bengals QB Carson Palmer, week 10 -- 440 yards, lost 49-41.
*** Steelers QB Big Ben, week 9 -- 433 yards, lost 31-20.
*** Phins QB Joey Harrington, week 7 -- 413 yards, lost 34-24.
        So far this year, Peyton Manning (week 2) is the only QB to pass for 400 yards and win a game.

--- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        I can’t express to you just how evil the Cowboys are, so I’ll refer you to “Dallas Cowboys free safety Keith Davis” to show you what kinds of things these awful people do:
*** Evil bastards eat child off a wok. Yes. YES! ***
        They make me sick.
        By the way, if you still doubt the power of anagrams, I refer you to this week’s Opus. I've been telling you about their cosmic knowledge for years now, but maybe you'll understand it more in comic strip form.

--- The standings so far
First place: HoF Bus Drivers, Joanna -- 1523.87 points
Second place: Red Shirteys, Eric -- 1479.61 points
Third place: JapanUSRelations, Ant -- 1470.24 points
        Can Anthony stay in the top three after losing McNabb for the season?
        Short answer: No.
        Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooooo.

--- For the record
*** The professional column is still alive.
*** Dad is three down in the year-long pick 'em and starting to slide...I'm just saying...
*** Don't forget to set your lineups for the Thursday games. I will make fun of you if you somehow forget to start Larry Johnson.

Fantasy football recap, week 10

        Let’s mix it up a little bit and start out with everyone’s favorite game …

--- NFL starter or letters I just strung together for fun?
** Maake Kemoeatu: Carolina Panthers DT or letters I strung together?
** Jhonny Kwigebew: Houston Texans CB or letters I strung together?
** Osi Umenyiora: New Jersey Giants DE or letters I strung together?
** Patrick Chukwurah: Denver Broncos LB or letters I strung together?
** Toniu Fonoti: Miami Dolphins OG or letters I strung together?
** Llyodd Drunkendunker: Seattle Seahawks TE or letters I strung together?

        And now back to our regularly scheduled program…

--- Top performers
QB: Carson Palmer, 33.50 points – sitting on Eric’s bench
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, 44.00 points – started by Ant
WR: Chad Johnson, 40.33 points – started by Mike
TE: Marques Colston, 21.27 points – started by Joanna
K: Joe Nedney, 14.00 points – sitting on the waiver wire
DEF: Philadelphia, 18.00 points – started by Neal
        From now on, I’m only telling you if Tomlinson isn’t the top fantasy guy of the week. He’s on pace for 34 touchdowns this season (including two passing, at the current pace) which would break the single season record for ridiculousness.

--- Worst performers, “defenses which surrendered more than 35 points” edition
Third place: San Diego, -2.00 points – started by Heidi
Second place: Cincinnati, -3.00 points – started by Jim
First place: New Orleans, -4.00 points – started by Ant
        Funny, the team that surrendered the fewest points out of this group (Saints let up 38, the Chargers 41, the Bengals 49) was the lowest scorer. Of course, they all sucked in their own special way

--- Andy Reid blown call of the week award
        Dear gawd – Neal left one spot open, started a wide receiver who is out for the next month, started three players who scored less than 6 points combined and left 32 points on his bench.
        Honorable mention goes to Heidi, who left 28 points on her bench and lost two more because of that porous Chargers defense.

--- Fun facts I pulled out of a free Eagles media guide one of the guys at work got for me
** The 20,000th point in Eagles history was scored by David Akers, on the extra point kick he made following Hank Baskett’s long TD catch against the Cowboys in week 5.
** Ryan Moats was born in Dallas. Draw your own conclusions.
** Lito Sheppard is fourth all-time in Eagles interception return yards, with 12 picks and 409 yards. Bill Bradley is first, with 34 picks and 536 yards.
** The Eagles have on their practice squad FB Zach Tuiasosopo, son of Seattle DT Manu Tuiasosopo and brother of Raiders QB Marques Tuiasosopo. How did none of them make my name game above?

--- Stupidest thing I heard this week
        The poll wasn’t successful last week, but you still have your pick of utter idiocy this week.
        Behind door one, we have Tony Siragusa during the Eagles game telling me “The field is really getting wet out here, and there’s a lot of water on the grass too.”
        Behind door two, we have Joe Buck and Troy Aikman during the New Orleans game:
        Bucky: “Another wide open catch by a Saints wide receiver! How many times have we seen that today?”
        Troy: “Umm, a few, I guess.”
        Behind door number three, we’ve got the Westwood One radio crew, calling the Monday night game, stating after another one of those horse-collar tackles that “Those were outlawed in the NFL after Roy Williams broke Donovan McNabb’s ankle on one of those last year.”
        Yeah, it was T.O.’s ankle two years ago, but you were pretty close there, guys.

--- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
        With undefeated Indianapolis traveling to Dallas next week, how does “Dallas Cowboys rookie wideout Sam Hurd” feel the game will go down? I’m glad I asked, because the letters in his name clearly spells out:
        *** Woe, ado: Colts roil dudes, ambush w/ airy KO. ***
        Yes, that Indy airy knockout (passing game to those less poetic among us) has roiled many a dude this year.
        The sad part is these are getting easier for me, not harder.

--- Our standings so far
First place: HoF Bus Drivers, Jo -- 1378.66 points
Second place: Red Shirteys, Eric -- 1347.13 points
Third place: JapanUSRelations -- 1339.38 points
        Ant is starting to fade and Eric is starting to charge. But Red Shirteys had tradaed away his two best QBs (Rex Grossman and Carson Palmer) and decided to stick with Mike Vick to lead his team to victory the rest of the way, a strategy that hasn't worked for Hotlanta over the last six years.
        Meanwhile, my wife continues to pull away from everybody else. I'm almost 300 points behind her in the standings, which means if she benches everyone on her team it'll still take me three weeks to catch up with her. But I'm gonna give her that advice anyway.

--- For the record
** The professional column is up, and it's about OSU and Michigan this week. Here's my bold prediction: USC is going to win.
** The Eagles-Colts game in two weeks was moved to Sunday night, so now you can stay up late to watch another AFC South team destroy Jim Johnson’s defense.
** Speaking of the AFC South, Tennessee has not officially been eliminated from winning that division. At 2-7, they’d have to win their last seven and have the Colts lose their next seven, at which point they’d both be 9-7, and then Tennessee would win the first tiebreaker with a 4-2 division record (Indy would be 3-3). So don’t give up hope yet, Titans fans.

Fantasy football recap, week 9

--- Top performers
QB: Drew Brees, 31.46 points – sitting on Jeff’s bench
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, 39.13 points – started by Ant
WR: Javon Walker, 40.13 points – started by Eric
TE: Marques Colston, 25.20 points – started by Joanna
K: Matt Stover, 15.00 points – started by me
DEF: Miami, 27.00 points – sitting on Joel’s bench
          Eric had two of the top three fantasy players this week (Walker and Stephen Jackson, 34.47 points) but Joanna started five of the top 20 players. I hate them both.

--- Worst performers, all skill players edition
Third place: Brad Johnson, -0.16 points – started by Paul
Second place: Chris Perry, -1.90 points – sitting on the waiver wire
First place (tie): Terrance Wilkins, -2.00 points – sitting on the waiver wire
First place (tie): Dane Looker, -2.00 points – sitting on the waiver wire
          Over the last two weeks Brad Johnson has been worth 2.14 points. Of course, so far this season Looker is worth -2.00 points, so it could be worse.

--- The Andy Reid Blown call of the week award
          I’m accepting it this week. Nay, I’m embracing it.
          In case you missed it, I made the league’s first trade of the year early this week. I got Rex Grossman, filling a desperate need at QB. Eric got Javon Walker and the Jacksonville defense, both of which have been solid but not spectacular.
          This week Grossman was worth 6.40 points, while Walker and the Jags were worth a combined 59.13. That’s why Eric is suddenly near the top, and I’m all the way down in 10th.
          It looks like a bonehead call, but I still support it and believe it’s going to work out in the long run. Of course, that’s exactly the kind of thing Andy would say, so I’ve got no choice but to graciously accept my own insults this week.
          Honorable mention goes to Jeff, who left one of his starter positions empty and left a whopping 59 points on his bench.

--- Stupidest thing I heard this week
In the spirit of the night, I'll let you decide which of these was the stupidest. Here are your options:

What was the stupidest statement this week?
	Herbstreit: USC impressive in loss
	Refs watching NFL games on Saturday
	Aikman: Horse collar named for Roy
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Option one: On Saturday on ESPN, when asked what teams to watch out for in the day's college football action, Kirk Herbstriet announced, "You have to be impressed with how USC came back in that game against Oregon State last week."
        Uhhh... They were heavily favored in that game, Kirk. And they didn't come back -- they lost it when a two-point conversion failed. But other than that, they were spectacular.

Option two: Later in that show, they had a profile piece on college refs and the intense game day preparations they go through. The crew they were following had an 8 p.m. game the previous Saturday, so the camera crew caught them "go for a break around 4 p.m., heading back to the hotel to work out, watch some NFL games or check up on e-mails back home."
        You'd think in that intense game prep they'd cover basic football facts, such as THE NFL DOESN'T PLAY ON SATURDAYS IN OCTOBER!!!!

Option three: During the Maryland Racial Slurs/Cowboys game on Sunday, Troy Aikman dropped this one after a personal foul call: "That's the horse collar tackle penalty, named after Dallas safety Roy Williams."
        I had to look it up, but sure enough, his given Christian name is "Horse Collar Williams Jr."
        Vote early and vote often -- this is just as secure those Diebold machines.

--- My working theory of the week
        Pay attention, because there may be a test on this.
        We're all familiar with the curse of the Super Bowl loser: Coming into this year, the five teams who lost the big game all missed the playoffs the next year. But the Seahawks, sitting at 5-3 and with five of their last eight against teams with losing records, look like they'll probably break that streak.
        On the other hand, the Steelers' Super Bowl hangover has turned into full-fleged alcohol poisoning (Yes, I totally stole that line from my column last week.) At 2-6 they have no real chance of making the post-season.
        Odd coincidence? I submit it's not. I submit to you that the Super Bowl curse is alive and well, and that ...
        Wait for it ...
        Wait for it ...
        The Steelers NEVER WON that Super Bowl!
        Think about it: The Seahawks were favored and had the league MVP, the referees blew several big calls, Ben Rothlesberger didn't have a passing TD in the game -- if I laid that out for you, you'd have to believe that Seattle won the Super Bowl.
        So they must have. And if Seattle actually won that Super Bowl, who's to say that the Eagles didn't win their Super Bowl?
        What, is that less believable than McNabb puking every time he plays in south Florida?

--- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
          Are you still shaky about how you should feel after that Dallas loss/Joe Gibbs win on Sunday? “Dallas Cowboys Wide Receiver/Punt Returner Skyler Levon Green” has some advice for you:
*** Cry not! Blurt: Error-laced Redskins win leaves everyone up w/ glee ****
          Thank gawd they’re starting new folks, otherwise I’d never be able to keep this going.

--- Our standings so far
First place: HoF Bus Drivers, Joanna -- 1253.49 points
Second place: JapanUSrelations, Ant -- 1217.14 points
Third place: Red Shirteys, Eric -- 1178.22 points
          Another strong week from Joanna, but Anthony gets McNabb back next week, so we'll see if it lasts.

--- For the record
*** Bye weeks are so relaxing. Do the Eagles have to play next week?
*** The professional column is still alive.
*** I’m back up a game on Dad, thanks to my genius Indy pick this week. I also won the office pool, earning me $35 – just enough to cover my losses in the office pool so far.
*** File this one away for later in the season: If the Eagles and Cowboys end up tied a the end of the season, the tiebreak will likely come down to their respective NFC East records (I’m conceding the Christmas game already). If it does, this week’s Dallas loss could be the difference between the Cowboys being 2-4 and being 3-3 in the division.
          Stay with me.
          At 19-19, Dallas lined up to kick the game-winning field goal but had it blocked, returned about 30 yards and lost the game on an ensuing Washington field goal.
          Stay with me.
          The man who blocked that field goal? New safety for the Racial Slurs, Troy Vincent. He came right up the middle and got his mitt square on it.
          What I’m saying if the Eagles make the playoffs on a tiebreaker over Dallas, it’ll be because of Troy Vincent. The man just keeps giving and giving to the people of Philadelphia.
          It’s gonna feel wrong when I boo him next week.

The story the man doesn't want you to see

Here's the top part of the column that I promised yesterday -- I talked to "the man" and think we came to an understanding, but that doesn't mean that this version isn't much, much better.

        If the NFL was run by the NCAA, this week’s slate of games would have been dubbed “Separation Sunday.”
        Of course, if the NFL was run by the NCAA, sportswriters would be inexplicably voting the Bears as the number two team in the league … behind USC.
        Sunday’s slate of games featured some of the league’s best playing the league’s best, giving several squads big boosts in their run towards the playoffs.
       Indianapolis was the biggest winner Sunday, solidifying their spot as the AFC’s top team. Their 34-31 over Denver not only kept them undefeated but also showed their inconsistent offense can still decimate defenses.
        Denver had allowed only two touchdowns on the season coming into the game but allowed three to Reggie Wayne on Sunday. The win gave the Colts their second consecutive 7-0 start and – like the undefeated Bears in the NFC – gave them a nice cushion over the other teams in their conference.
        The AFC as a whole set itself apart from the other conference on Sunday, with three of its top teams toppling three of the NFC leaders. Kansas City beat a beat-up but division-leading Seattle squad, and LaDanian Tomlinson nearly single-handedly outplayed the Rams, totaling 240 total yards and three touchdowns.
        And the Ravens became the first team this season to travel to New Orleans and come out with a win. The Superdome has been a tough place for visitors this year: Every team that comes into town is the enemy of the feel-good story of the year, the angelic Saints and their faithful, rebuilding city.
        Luckily, with Ray Lewis and Jamal Lewis on their team, playing the role of devils wasn’t too tough for Baltimore. The loss dropped the Saints into a tie with the surging Falcons.
        Atlanta was the big NFC winner on Sunday, outscoring Cincinnati 29-27 in large part thanks to QB Mike Vick’s discovery of the forward pass. In the last two games he has thrown seven touchdowns. In his previous 10 games, he managed only six.
        After the Bears, the second-tier of NFC playoff hopefuls features the Saints, Falcons and Giants at 5-2. Slightly behind them sit Seattle, St. Louis and Minnesota, and well-behind those teams are the fading Eagles, inconsistent Panthers and ever-feuding Cowboys.
        The AFC is more tightly bunched, with five teams boasting five or more wins. New England looks like the surest thing to a playoff team outside of Indianapolis, while Denver will have to fight with San Diego and Kansas City just to win its own division.
        Baltimore, Cincinnati and Jacksonville have all looked like contenders at times this year and disappointments other weeks, but should still be playing meaningful games in December.
        Even the Jets, with a 4-4 record and five games left against sub-.500 teams, don’t look like a ridiculous pick to challenge for the playoffs.
        Luckily, they won’t have to impress any pollsters to get there.

Fantasy football recap, week 8

---- Top performers
QB: Tom Brady, 36.98 points -- started by Jeff
RB: Larry Johnson, 43.23 points -- started by Joanna
WR: Reggie Wayne, 39.20 points -- started by Paul
TE: Marques Colston, 28.87 points -- started by Joanna
K: Adam Vinatieri, 16.00 points -- sitting on Neal's bench
DEF: Oakland, 31.00 points -- started by Joel
          Oakland? Oakland!!! You've got to be kidding me. No wonder my team stinks -- logic no longer has any place in the NFL.

---- Worst performers, players we started edition
Third place: David Carr, -0.88 points -- started by me
Second place (tie): Arizona, -1.00 points -- started by Paul
Second place (tie): Denver, -1.00 points -- started by Eric
First place: Carolina, -2.00 points -- started by Jo
          This is the second week in a row Joanna had the best total in the league and the worst individual player too. Go figure.

---- Andy Reid blown call of the week award
          Joel earned the award this week, thanks to his shrewd use of the waiver wire.
          Last Sunday he decided to drop Joe Horn and Issac Bruce to pick up Chris Baker and Brandon Jacobs. And while I'm the first person who'll ridicule you if you forget to start a tight end, you really shouldn't give up two pro bowlers to get some average players back.
          Horn and Bruce were worth a combined 31.40 points for Eric this week (he scooped up both of them over my waiver wire requests -- damn!) while Joel's three wide receivers and Baker combined for just over 35 points. Look for this one to haunt Joel's dreams for the rest of the year.
          Jim gets honorable mention for starting a tight end on a bye.

---- "Worst passing performances in a win" stat of the week
*** QB Andrew Walter was 5 of 14 for 51 yards with one interception and no touchdowns in the Raiders 20-13 win over Pittsburgh on Sunday. His QB rating for the day was 17.3. (And remember, if you go outside and throw a football into the ground, your QB rating is 38.6).
*** QB David Garrard was 10 of 17 for 87 yards with no touchdowns in the Jags 13-6 win over the Eagles on Sunday.
*** QB Jake Plummer was 13 of 24 for 106 yards with one touchdown, one interception and one fumble in the Broncos 13-3 win against the Ravens in week five.
*** QB Mike Vick was 10 of 15 for 92 yards with one touchdown and one interception in the Falcons 14-3 win over Tampa Bay in week 2.

---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
          I've been trying for the last two days to find the name of the guy who said this, but I think all records of him ever being alive have been destroyed in light of his stupidity.
          During halftime of the Oregon State-USC game on Saturday, one of the FSN "experts" asked an analyst if the Beavers, up 16-10 at the time, could finish off the upset in the second half.
          His response?
          "I think they could potentially win this game, but remember: Potentially is a French word meaning what have you done for me lately."
          The other two guys in the studio just stopped talking to him after that.

---- Midseason awards I'd like to see
*** The "bad half of the gene pool" award: This one goes to the Giants, who have both the lesser Manning (Eli has fewer passing TDs than Peyton) and apparently the lesser Barber (Ronde has two TDs, Tiki has zero).
*** The "leaving it all on the field" award: This one goes to Donovan McNabb, more for his penchant for puking than his hard work. And he has more passing attempts than anyone else in the league, so he has left more balls out on the turf than anyone else too.
*** The “living on the edge” award: Seven weeks into the season, the Colts haven’t attempted one fourth-down conversion.
*** The death penalty: This isn't a new award, but I'd like to see Daunte Culpepper get the death penalty after what he did to two of my fantasy teams.

---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
          Sure, QB Tony Romo had a good game Sunday night, but will he really last as their starter? Let's see what "Dallas Cowboys rookie third-stringer Matt Baker" can reveal to us:
*** Horrid team trots backwards. I’ll be in? Rats. Ye go, OK? ***
          That sounds like a dare to me -- Baker is reluctantly challenging Romo for the starting job, so go tell your friends. Let them know you heard it from a reputable news source.

---- Our standings so far
First place: JapanUSRelations, Ant -- 1087.44 points
Second place: HoF Bus Drivers, Jo -- 1085.20 points
Third place: The War on Terrell, Mike -- 1063.14 points
          Ant barley held onto first as Joanna posted her second 178-point week in a row. And don't look now, but our reigning champ (Jeff, in case you forgot) is just a few points out of the top three.

---- For the record
*** Holy crap, Temple won. At their current pace, their next win is scheduled for 2009.
*** The professional column is up again, but they ripped the heart and soul out of it:
          Here’s what the lead was supposed to say:
          If the NFL was run by the NCAA, this week’s slate of games would have been dubbed “Separation Sunday.” Of course, if the NFL was run by the NCAA, sportswriters would be inexplicably voting the Bears as the number two team in the league … behind USC.
          It’s funny how one line change can destroy 1,000 words of text. They took some other funny stuff out and killed some others, so now it’s just a crappy, run-of-the-mill column. We’ll have a nice long talk with the sports guys tomorrow.
          In the meantime, my ensuing rage is the reason this recap was sub-par. Next week I’ll save my good stuff for here, rather than waste it like this time.

Fantasy football recap, week 7

---- Top performers
QB: Peyton Manning, 37.58 points -- started by Mike
RB: Brian Westbrook, 30.63 points -- started by Neal
WR: Hines Ward, 37.40 points -- started by Jo
TE: Alge Crumpler, 31.80 points -- started by Jeff
K: Matt Bryant, 14.00 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
DEF: Giants, 27.00 points -- started by Anthony
          Dear gawd, those are some high individual performances. And that doesn't even include Mike Freakin' Vick (34.35 points) or Donovan "Pukey" McNabb (31.68 points) or Larry "No nickname given" Johnson (29.13 points).

---- Worst performers, everybody included edition
Third place (tie): Najeh Davenport, -0.10 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
Third place (tie): Marcel Shipp, -0.10 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
Second place: Seneca Wallace, -0.54 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
First place: Pittsburgh, -1.00 points -- started by Joanna
          Hmmm... Jo had the worst player and the best score. That’s not fair.

---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week
          OK, fine -- I get the award this week. I left 22 points on my bench, the worst in the league for the third week in a row, and even managed to leave another 17 points on Joanna's bench when I set her roster at the last minute on Sunday.
          So, since there's no one else who performed as poorly, I've got no choice but to give myself ... wait a second ... is that Ronde Barber running back another McNabb interception for a touchdown?
          Nevermind. McNabb earned the blown call honors. The Don bails me out with his worst day of the season (which is still better than most of Eli's starts so far ... I'm just saying ...)
          Honorable mention goes to Jeff, yet again, who left 18 points on his bench and refused to pick up a WR to fill his empty roster spot this week.

---- Who is throwing for touchdowns this week?
*** Vikings RB MeWelde Moore had as many TD passes in Sunday’s game against the Seahawks as Seattle QBs Matt Hasselback and Seneca Wallace combined (one).
*** Chargers RB LaDanian Tomlinson had as many touchdown passes on Sunday against the Chiefs (one) as division rival QB Jake Plummer had in the Broncos game against the Browns.
*** Hotlanta QB Mike Vick threw four TD passes against the Steelers on Sunday. In his previous 10 games, he threw six.

---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
          I thought Brian Baldinger had this wrapped up early in the weekend when I heard him call a bruising Cadillac Williams sprint through five defenders "The picture definition of a downhill run."
          No, Brian, the picture definition of a downhill run would be someone running down a hill. That was the figurative definition at best.
          But on Tuesday morning I heard Stuart Scott say that Dallas QBs Drew Bledsoe and Tony Romo are prone to throwing bad interceptions (you think?!?!) but that Romo was a better QB because he has more mobility and "can run down guys after he turns the ball over."
          I can only assume he was joking, but he didn't have that haughty Stuart Scott voice turned on, so I really don't know. Either way it's slowly breaking down brain cells in my head today.

---- Most painful thing I read this week
          From the Philly Daily News' Les Bowen:
          "Eagles statisticians could not immediately say where Ronde Barber now ranks among McNabb's all-time favorite receivers, but we know he's caught more McNabb passes for touchdowns than Billy McMullen ever did."
          I know you've gotta rip McNabb, but do we have to talk about Billy McMullen? Am I gonna get a Mike Mamula and Na Brown lecture next?

---- College football update
*** At 10 pm Sunday I was watching two sporting events: the Tigers/Cardinals World Series game (in the 6th inning) and the Cincinnati/South Florida football game (in the third quarter). At the time, the score to both was 2-0. That ain't right.
*** The Division III Springfield Pride beat St. John Fisher College 55-38 behind QB Chris Sharpe's 280 rushing yards and seven -- count 'em, SEVEN -- rushing touchdowns on Saturday. Springfield had 493 rushing yards total in the game.
          What makes this hilarious is Sharpe's passing stats: two attempts, one completion, 41 yards. How did the second one fall incomplete? Was Fisher College actually defending the pass at some point? And who was back far enough in the secondary to make the tackle on the pass completion?
*** Temple broke that elusive 20-point mark in their 43-21 loss on Saturday. It's the most points they've scored during their nation-leading 20-game losing streak. So far this year they've been outscored 351 to 71, and over their losing streak they're surrendering more than 44 points a game.

---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
          Monday night the Cowboys had a chance to take over first in the NFC East with a win, but "Dallas Cowboys backup right tackle Jason Fabini" knew that wasn't going to happen:
*** First? A bucolic wish, joke. Pagan cabal knots badly. ***
          If you saw the Dallas secondary trying to defend WR Plexiglass Burgess during the game, you'd agree that pagan cabal does knot badly when the game is on the line.
          Yeah, I had to look up "bucolic" too. It sorta fits.

---- Our standings so far
First place: JapanUSRelations, Ant -- 970.10 points
Second place: The War on Terrell, Mike -- 906.94 points
Third place: HoF Bus Drivers, Joanna -- 906.35 points
          What the heck happened? All three of these folks posted 170-plus point weeks to jump ahead in the standings, and Heidi -- yes, that Heidi -- scored the lowest this week and dropped all the way to sixth.
          Anthony has taken over first by a wide margin, but there is no pride in it because he's using the Giants and Cowboys defenses to get ahead. Traitor. At least my floundering in ninth place is noble.

---- For the record
*** Professional column number three is up here.
*** Just in case you haven’t heard me say it yet: The Eagles are 0-3 over the last four years in games played in South Florida. And in all three games, Donovan has puked on the field.
         As I keep saying, Philly’s entire conditioning staff should be shot, then burned at the stake, then have their ashes fired by cannon into New Jersey.
*** Best moment of a bad, bad football weekend: On Monday night, as Cowboys QB Tony Romo comes into the game in the second half, Tony Kornheiser says, "The backup is only a popular guy until he throws his first interception." Jo immediately counters with, "It would be awesome if he threw a pick right here."
          First play, Romo scrambles out to his right, throws a pass that deflects off a lineman and into the arms of a linebacker.
          Comedy, thy name is the Dallas QB controversy.

Fantasy football recap, week 6

---- Top performers
QB: Matt Hasselback, 30.92 points -- started by Joel
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, 42.37 points -- started by Ant
WR: Torry Holt, 36.27 points -- started by Paulie
TE: Jeremey Shockey, 21.67 points -- sitting on my bench
K: John Brown, 16.00 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
DEF: Chicago, 24.00 points -- started by Mike
          Four touchdowns out of Tomlinson? So that's why Anthony is suddenly near the top of the league.

---- Worst performers, the year so far edition
Third place: Brian Greise, -0.94 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
Second place: Kellen Clemens, -1.80 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
First place: Brodie Croyle, -3.38 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
          Croyle saw his only action of the season on Sunday, passing for 23 yards with two interceptions and rushing for minus-3 yards in the Chiefs' loss to the Steelers. That's a mighty fine day right there, but not the worst of the weekend ...

---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
          I left the most points on my bench and scored the lowest in the league this week, but we've already established that I'm not going to give it to myself, so ...
          Instead let’s give an anti-award to Eric, who I almost taunted before Sunday’s games for deciding to start RB Mike Vick as his quarterback over QB Rex Grossman, who has been tearing up teams this season. On the year, Vick had only scored four TDs to Grossman’s 10, and was worth nearly 40 fewer points in our league.
          What I’m saying is this move made no sense.
          In retrospect, however, that was a pretty nice call. Vick was worth a serviceable 14.96 points. Grossman had SIX FREAKING TURNOVERS and was worth -6.78 points against the Cardinals, or whichever team suited up for the first half of that game. That's the worst I can ever remember any player scoring in this league.
          Eric probably just forgot to set his roster this weekend, but I’ll give him credit anyway. The anti-award is redeemable for one-free pass next time he starts somebody on a bye week.

---- Fun facts I'm noting just to piss off Giants fans
*** Donovan McNabb threw his second interception of the year on the last play of the first half of Sunday's game against New Orleans. Eli Manning threw his second interception of the day with two minutes to go in the first quarter of Sunday's game against Hotlanta.
*** In six games this year McNabb has thrown for more than 280 yards five times. In five games this year Eli Manning has thrown for fewer than 280 yards four times.
*** Despite a sub-par performance on Sunday Donovan McNabb still leads the league in passer rating at 104.8. Despite a good performance on Sunday Eli Manning still leads the league in dopey faces made with 1,048.

---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
          Lee Corso got the words "turnovers" and "turnouts" confused and said the key to one of the college games on Saturday would be "turnouts."
          To quote Lewis Black, don't think about it too much or your brain will try and eat itself.
          Almost as bad, but not quite, was Dick Stockton during the Eagles/Saints tilt on Sunday saying that Shawn Andrews had suffered a knee injury and his return to the game was questionable. He announced it on a play where Andrews had just laid down a big block and was still on screen.
          I'm pretty sure that upgrades his return status to probable, but that's just me.

---- College football update
** The dream of an undefeated season died for Ursinus this weekend as they fell to the Muhlenberg Mules (not kidding, they're the Mules) 22-6 on Saturday. The Baby Bears had 311 yards of total offense but also threw three interceptions, lost two fumbles and had a blocked punt returned for a touchdown.
** Temple didn't cover that point spread against Clemson -- they lost 63-9 last Thursday. The Tigers scored on their first nine possessions. For some reason ESPN decided that game wasn't competitive enough to air nationally...
** Texas and Baylor racked up 784 yards of offense and 94 points in the Longhorns 63-31 win on Saturday. For comparisons sake, the Falcons and Giants racked up 816 yards of offense in their game Sunday but only scored 41 points in New Jersey's 27-14 win.
          So, what I'm saying is, the Giants and Falcons are really just college football teams who execute their red zone offense poorly.

---- Cowboy anagram insult of the week
          Still think T.O. is the biggest jerk on the Cowboys? I submit to you "Dallas Cowboys LB Bradie James," who had six tackles on Sunday and shows what he likes to do for fun when you rearrange the letters in his name:
*** A yell! Cold worm jabs sad babies. ***
          Jabbing babies is bad enough, but sad ones? That's just overkill. What a jerk.

---- Our standings so far
First place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi – 793.29 points
Second place: JapanUSRelations, Ant – 791.11 points
Third place: Get drunk and screw, Neal – 774.90 points
          Anthony makes a huge charge into the top three, Neal’s team is slowly slipping, and everyone is just shocked – SHOCKED! – that Heidi made it to first place.
          She’s not even trying, you know.

---- For the record
*** The respectable, professional column is online this week. You can read it here.
*** I was going to look up how many times a team has had six turnovers and still won a game, like the Bears did Monday, but ESPN told me that has happened more than 40 times in league history. They might be lying, but now I don’t feel like checking.
*** Don’t ask how the picks are going with Dad. Just don’t.
*** Cowboys vs. Giants on Monday night next week, so somebody step up and give me a reason not to punch the television. I know I’m supposed to root for the Giants, then injuries, then the apocalypse, but it’s still gonna be a tough one to swallow.

Fantasy football recap, week 5

---- Top performers
QB: Donovan McNabb, 30.26 points -- started by Ant
RB: Reggie Bush, 23.50 points -- started by Eric
WR: Lee Evans, 21.27 points -- started by Eric
TE: Antonio Gates, 12.67 points -- started by me
K: Robbie Gould, 19.00 points -- started by Neal
DEF: Jacksonville, 33.00 points -- sitting on my bench
          That’s the second week in a row Donovan was the top QB. More to come on that Jacksonville defense in a minute.

---- Worst performers, players we started edition
Third place: Chad Pennington, -1.42 points -- started by Neal
Second place: Buffalo, -2.00 points -- started by me
First place: New York Jets, -5.00 points -- started by Eric
          And that’s the second week in a row Eric started the worst defense in the league. Last week it was Tennessee with minus-6 for his squad

---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
          I should get this, since I decided at the last minute to bench Jacksonville's defense (33 points) in favor of Buffalo's (minus-2), but since I give out the award that's not gonna happen.
          So instead we'll award our first "Lifetime achievement blown call award" to T.O., who was so beautifully shown this weekend just how much nicer it is to have Donovan McNabb throw to you than Drew Bledsoe. Leaving Philadelphia was professional suicide for him (as opposed to ... well, you know.)
          A special shout out goes to Jeff, who has already picked up a lifetime achievement award in this category and still hasn't picked up a tight end to start.

---- Great stats from that Eagles game
** Cornerback Lito Sheppard had one fewer catch (two interceptions) than T.O. (three catches, 45 yards) and caught the only touchdown pass Drew Bledsoe threw all game, that 102-yard interception return.
** The Eagles have three 100-plus yard interception returns for touchdowns in team history. All three have come against Dallas.
** Remember those ridiculous projections I made a few weeks ago? Well, Donovan McNabb (1,604 passing yards so far) is on pace for 5,126 passing yards, which would break the single-season record of 5,084.
** Dallas is still winless when T.O. scores a touchdown (0-1 on the season.) It's getting easier each week to track this stat, since he ain't coming close to the end zone.

---- Most awesome thing I heard all week
          And just to beat this dead horse a little more, hopefully you didn’t miss this gem from Pam Oliver while interviewing Donovan after the Eagles game:
          “I know it wasn’t you versus T.O., but a fair amount of people saw it that way. So what was it like to send that guy out here looking crazy?”
          Looking crazy? Really? You get paid big bucks to interview folks and that’s what you came up with?
          If you want to hear it for yourself, here’s the link – it’s around the 40-second mark.

---- College football update
** I don't know why no one else made note of it, but this week Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville said the current college bowl game system is flawed, proclaimed that teams shouldn't be held hostage by the BCS and poll systems, and then promptly saw his 2nd-ranked Tigers lose to unranked Arkansas on Saturday. Way to jinx the team there, Tommy.
** The stinkin' good-for-nothing Blue Hens lost again this week, this time on a last second field goal against the Northeastern Nor'easters, or whatever the heck their mascot is. I'm too angry to actually look it up.
** Temple had their first lead of the season in their game against the Kent State Golden Flashes on Saturday, and nearly broke the impossible 20-point barrier in their 28-17 loss. It's the team's 18 loss in a row. They play 12th-ranked Clemson on Thursday, when they will be 44-point underdogs.
          Yes, that's six touchdowns and a safety. And I'm betting Clemson will be covering the spread by halftime.
** The Ursinus football team scored 16 unanswered second-half points to stun the Case Western Reserve Spartans 16-7 and stay undefeated on the season. The college football world is abuzz with the Baby Bears success, and this week Ursinus received one 25th-place vote in the Division III rankings, putting them on par with Minnesota powerhouse St. Olaf College.
          Watch out, Coe College of Iowa. That 25th-place D-III ranking isn't safe for long.

---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
          Greg Ellis had a big play in that Eagles game this weekend, so let's look at what "Dallas Cowboys starting DE Gregory L. Ellis" has to tell about what exactly happened this weekend:
** Rattling D blows. Oily losers cry. Eagles glad. **
          Go ahead -– check it. That’s what it says.

---- Screwball stats that interest only me
** St. Louis is the only team in the league that still hasn't thrown an interception. They have a plus-12 turnover ratio already.
** Hotlanta hasn't allowed a passing touchdown this year.
** Detroit has more penalty yards so far this year (331) than rushing yards (298).
** The Eagles had 29 sacks in 16 games last year. In five games this year, they have 23.

---- For the record
** For the first time I can remember, every team favored to win by Vegas this week won. They didn't all cover the spread, but still ... that's pretty weird.
** Dad managed to tie up the annual picks contest, so we’re back to where we started. Usually he waits until around week 10 to catch up, then overtake me.
** Because I know you haven’t read enough of my ramblings yet, I’ve posted my first football column for the paper here -- just click on the picture to read it. If it comes up small, hold your cursor over it for a second and click the enlarge button that'll pop up in the lower right-hand corner.
          It ran in our Pacific editions today and was written when my editors asked for “something better than the game recaps we always run.”
          I still don’t know if this will be a weekly thing, a one-time thing, or an “Ohmigawd we have nothing for the sports section” thing, but we’ll see if I can finally turn all these stellar ideas into something profitable.

Getting you ready

G's favorite sign from last week's game:

T.O.
8 1
too many

It took me forever to get it.
Less subtle was a caller into WIP this morning, who was trying to win tickets to the game on Sunday by guessing what message Donovan sent to T.O. earlier this week:

Caller: It was simple. He just wrote "Take 35 more and call me in the morning."

Angelo: That's pretty good, but what's in the lead? "I've got 117 million reasons not to commit suicide." I don't know if yours is funnier.

Caller: Well, you know that's not the whole story, right? You know Donovan wasn't the first person to text him, right?

Angelo: Really?

Caller: Yeah, Jeff Garcia actually sent him a message first. It said "If it looks like a suicide attempt, and it smells like a suicide attempt, it's a suicide attempt."

Angelo: You're going to the game.

Fantasy football recap, week 4

---- Top performers
QB: Donovan McNabb, 38.22 points -- started by Ant
RB: Larry Johnson, 28.83 points -- started by Joanna
WR: Santana Moss, 31.02 points -- started by Heidi
TE: Marques Colston, 19.80 points -- started by Joanna
K: Jeff Wilkins, 18.00 points -- started by Heidi
DEF: Kansas City, 34.00 points -- started by Jeff
          Good work, ladies. Guys, there are nine of us in the league, and together we managed just two of the top players this week. C'mon.

---- Worst performers, defenses we started edition
Third place: Cincinnati, -4.00 points -- started by Jim
Second place (tie): Seattle, -5.00 points -- started by Paulie
Second place (tie): Detroit, -5.00 points -- started by Mike
First place: Tennessee, -6.00 points -- started by Eric
          Wow -- I started a defense that earned minus-two points and couldn't even crack this list. Rough week.

---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
          Joel stepped up and grabbed the award this week. While reigning bad coach Jeff decided to throw up the top score of the season this week (179.49) Joel decided to keep almost 50 points on his bench and drift further down in the standings.
          Among his highlights: Starting injured Seahawks RB Shawn Alexander, despite numerous news reports all week that he was out, instead of Chicago RB Thomas Jones, who was worth 24.40 points.
          Honorable mention goes to Jim for the second week in a row for starting two guys on a bye and getting caught in the negative defenses massacre. All told, he left more than 38 points on his bench for the week.

---- "I'm angry at NFL experts" stat of the week
          Everybody chuckled Sunday when the number one pick in last spring’s draft, Texans defensive end Mario Williams, got the first sack of the season in his fourth game. Houston has been hammered all summer after their decision to bypass Heisman trophy winner Reggie Bush in favor of defensive line help.
          But before all the experts resume their taunting, someone needs to point out that Williams first QB mugging did come before Bush’s first touchdown. In four games, he still hasn’t found the end zone.
          Despite leading the league in superlatives awarded, Bush’s performance so far (264 rushing and receiving yards) has been sub-par compared to fellow rookie RBs Laurence Maroney of the Patriots (370 total yards and three TDs) and Indy's Joseph Addai (279 total yards and two TDs).

---- Who is doing better than Daunte Culpepper?
** Daunte only has two TD tosses on the season, worse than Kansas City’s Damon Huard (three), Buffalo’s J.P. Losman (three), or backup Pittsburgh QB Charlie Batch (three).
** Daunte's QB rating is a pathetic 77.0, lower than 0-4 Detroit's John Kitna (87.1) and Arizona's turnover-happy Kurt Warner (81.9).
** Daunte has been sacked more than every other quarterback in the league (21 times) and for more yards (150 lost so far).

---- The third-stupidest thing I heard this week
          It had to be the third stupidest, because there ain't nothing dumber than T.O.'s publicist saying "Terrell has 25 million reasons to live" in response to whether or not he tried to commit suicide.
          That was so stupid, when they replayed the press conference it became both the stupidest and second stupidest thing I heard all week.
          So, onto the third. During the game Monday night, as ESPN panned across the Philly skyline, Mike Tirico said, "And there's Ben Franklin, looking down on the city of brotherly love."
          I know their research staff was having serious problems (see my post from yesterday) but even the Giants fan in my office knew that's Billy Penn up there. I'm astounded Tirico wasn't struck by lightning.

---- Our standings so far
First place: Get drunk and screw, Neal -- 558.62 points
Second place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi -- 552.31 points
Third place: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff -- 519.00 points
          We still haven't had our first Doyle-free top three, but we're getting closer.

---- College football update
** Rhode Island beat Brown 28-21 on Sunday. University of Delaware beat Rhode Island 24-17 last week. Ergo, University of Delaware is a better school than Brown. Let's see you poke holes in that logic, you snotty little Ivy know-it-alls.
          By the way, Delaware lost 52-49 to New Hampshire on Saturday. Apparently that state is just too big for the Blue Hens to handle. The teams combined for 987 yards of offense on the game and 43 points in the fourth quarter alone.
** Ursinus continued its undefeated football season Saturday with a 20-0 win over someplace called McDaniel. The baby Bears had more yards rushing (203) than the McDaniel Green Terror had total offense (184). Ursinus opponent next week is Phoenixville Middle School in what should be a tough battle.
          Yes, they're the Green Terror. I was going to call them the McDaniel Daniels until I saw how bad their actual mascot is.
** Temple doubled its TD output for the season on Saturday, scoring twice in an impressive 43-14 loss to the powerhouse that is Vanderbilt football. On the season they've been outscored 211 to 24.

---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
          I always break these down from the Dallas perspective, but I often wonder what the Cowboys opponents can teach us about the evil that lurks inside their silver and blackened blue hearts.
          So, with the cowpokes wandering into town this week, let's see what one of the new Eagles can teach us. Look closely at "Eagles wideout Donte Stallworth is da man" and you can clearly see:
*** Dallas to lose the game with new, sad TO-turd in ***
          TO goes in, Dallas loses. Are you going to argue with Donte?
          By the way, the Cowboys still haven't won a game where TO catches a TD (still 0-1).

---- For the record
** Stupid Phillies. How do you have the top home run hitter in the NL (Ryan Howard), the top RBI guy in the NL (Ryan Howard), the top two batters in runs scored (Chase Utley and Jimmy Rollins) and not make the postseason?
** Best sign from the Eagles faithful this week? "TO get well soon, so we can hurt you."
** I won my fantasy baseball league for the third year in a row, and fantasy hockey starts this week. What do I have to do before you people stage an intervention?
** Stupid Phillies.

ESPN commentary

In case you missed it Monday, ESPN posted this right after Buckhalter's second fumble of the game:



Ya know, I was just thinking AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGG!!!!!

Fantasy recap correction

For the record, Donovan McNabb is not first in the NFC in TD passes; he's actually second. Eli Manning has eight TDs so far, to go along with his five INTs and two losses on the season.

I apologize for the confusion. Once again I got "first in the NFC" confused with "first in the NFC among winning QBs" or "First in the NFC among QBs who have won in the playoffs" or "First among QBs who have managed to lead their team to at least one point in the playoffs" or "First among QBs who at least are among the top two QBs in their own family" or "First among QBs whose teams know what state they play in."

I'll try not to let it happen again.

Fantasy football recap, week 3

---- Top Performers
QB: Matt Hasselback, 33.08 points -- started by Joel
RB: Brian Westbrook, 38.83 points -- started by Neal
WR: TJ Whosyourmama, 27.27 points -- started by Ant
TE: Eric Johnson, 18.80 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
K: John Kasay, 20.00 points -- was on the waiver wire, now Paulie’s
DEF: Cincinnati, 20.00 points -- started by Jim
          Little known fact: TJ's name was legally changed to Whosyourmoma after the popularity of that commercial.

---- Worst Performers, backup RB edition
3rd place: Anthony Thomas, 0.10 points -- sitting on Ant's bench
2nd place: DeAngelo Williams, -0.10 points -- sitting on Mike's bench
1st place: Rock Cartwright, -0.50 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
          Williams had -1 yards rushing on four attempts Sunday after getting 74 yards rushing and another 24 receiving the week before. Sucks to be him.

---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week
          Jim should get the award this week: He started TO, who is both hurt and on a bye, then started two more players who scored zero points while leaving Clinton Portis (27 points) and 18 more points on his bench.
          On any other week, he would run away with this award.
          But Jeff made a late push to get the honors this week with some truly baffling coaching. Still refusing to use the waiver wire, he managed to carry two kickers on the bye this week, costing him a few field goals there. Then he benched Steve Smith for his first game back, forgot to put anyone in his place, and started another WR who gained no points.

---- “Don’t look now” stats of the week
** Donovan McNabb is leading the league in passing yards (960), leading the NFC in passer rating (105.3) and leading the NFC in passing TDs (seven).
** The Washington –expletive deleted- are leading the league in offensive penalty yards (260) and third in the league in defensive penalty yards (207).
** The New Jersey Giants defense has posted the second fewest sacks in the league (2) and allowed the most TDs in the league (eight).
** The Cowboys are still winless in games where TO catches a touchdown pass. (Still 0-1).

---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
          Credit goes to Jo on this one, for recognizing its stupidity while I was still trying to recover from the brain spasms it caused.
          Mike Tirico, after the Saints blocked a punt and returned it for a TD in the first few minutes of Monday’s game in N’Orwleens, yelped “You could not have scripted a better start than this!”
          So many problems with that:
1 –- Tony Kornheiser made the exact same statement 10 seconds earlier. Tirico repeated it again a few seconds later. I get it – it was a good play. Thanks for beating it to death.
2 –- Yes, I could have scripted a better start. Here goes: The Saints win the coin flip, and the walk-on WR who grew up in the lower ninth ward returns the kickoff 109 yards to set a new NFL record and give his team a 7-0 lead a mere 10 seconds into the game.
3 -– Prove to me that wasn’t scripted. Really, Hotlanta rushed for 306 yards against Tampa but can’t break off one 10-yard run the whole game? Alge Crumpler just happened to drop everything in site? And it just happened that the Falcons had their worst game so far during the Saints’ homecoming?
          We’ve all known that this league has been rigged since Adam Vinitieri kicked his second last-play Super-Bowl-winning field goal. Just come out and admit it already.

---- College football update
** Just when you thought semi-professional sports couldn’t get more unpredictable, the unthinkable happened in the Temple game this weekend: They scored a touchdown. The Western Michigan Buffaloes allowed an 80-yard touchdown drive, culminating in a 11-yard rush to paydirt, in the third quarter of its pathetic 41-7 win over the Owls.
          For the season, Temple has now been outscored by a much more respectable 174-10 in four games.
** Delaware beat Rhode Island 24-17 in the annual “Battle of the mini-states,” proving once again that Delaware is huge compared to that weenie little truck stop up north.

---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
The 'boys will be back next week, and so will their brewing QB controversy. So before he takes over the helm of Hades, let's look at "Dallas Cowboys backup quarterback Tony Romo" and see what we can find:
*** A crock. Moron lobs rock up, away badly. Bet squat. ***
          I'm telling ya, these things write themselves.

-- Our standings so far
** First place: Get drunk and screw, Neal – 425.64 points
** Second place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi – 405.61 points
** Third place: The War on Terrell, Mike – 401.02 points
** Fourth place: Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome – 385.75 points
          Hmmmm ... I wonder why I decided to show the top four this time instead of just the top three? Oh well...

---- For the record
** There were 23 rushing TDs this weekend, but 24 fumbles. There were 35 passing TDs but 25 INTs. I don’t really have any frame of reference for whether that’s a bad scoring-to-turnover ratio, but I’m pretty sure it means everybody sucks.
** There is nothing more fun than watching a 292-pound defensive lineman rumble 98-yards on a fumble return for a TD ... unless you get to see the Eagles defensive backs manhandle Niners QB Alex Smith while it happens.
** Only one team failed to score a TD this week –- Hotlanta –- but since it was the highest watched game in ESPN history (10.8 million viewers) I felt the need to point out how embarrassing that was.
** The race for the number 1 pick next year (Notre Dame’s Brady Quinn, who will be a tremendous bust) tightened up this week. Detroit, Houston, Tampa Bay and Cleveland are all 0-3, and Oakland narrowly avoided a loss on its bye this week.