Fantasy football 2023 -- final season recap

All the games have been played, all the scores have been tallied, and we have an Awesome Cup champion ready to taunt the 11 league losers for the next nine months of non-fantasy football. But before we say goodbye to this year and this rollercoaster of an Eagles season (Five Monday night games? We needed a fifth in the playoffs? Why did the football gods do this to us?) let’s take a look back at where everyone failed and just how bad the Yahoo preseason picks were:

 
All Rogers No Sauce (Joel)
Yahoo prediction: 1857.95 pts, 9th place
My prediction: 1999.98 pts, 6th place
Actual finish: 1657.07 pts, 12th place
NFL equivalent: New England Patriots
The expectations for Joel and the Patsies in August were not that high, but both teams managed to underachieve anyway. Maybe it was QB Trevor Lawrence’s fault — he couldn’t lead real or fantasy teams to the playoffs. Maybe it was too much faith by Joel in an overhyped 49ers defense. Maybe it was the fact that Joel started 10 inactive players over the last four weeks of the season. Whatever the cause, the only solution ahead for both teams is clear: Load Bill Belechick into a cannon and launch him into space. It’s for the good of the teams and the good of humanity.

Crumb Bums (Ant)
Yahoo prediction: 1810.37 pts, 12th place
My prediction: 1811.37 pts, 10th place
Actual finish: 1736.92 pts, 11th place
NFL equivalent: Maryland Commies
Not much was expected of Ant’s team, and not much was delivered. He did manage to kill QB Daniel Jones, RB JK Dobbins, RB Aaron Jones and the remainder of WR DeAndre Hopkins’ career over the course of the season, but his mediocre showing was more than just injuries and age. Cutting WR Diontae Johnson before he was good? Giving up on TE Pat Freiermuth and QB Geno Smith too early? Sometimes coaching is the problem. That’s why the Commies fired their coach one day after the season. Maybe Ant should put Maddie in charge of play calling next season.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo prediction: 1840.26 pts, 11th place
My prediction: 1601.01 pts, 12th place
Actual finish: 1751.13 pts, 10th place
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals
There were times it looked like both of these teams could be the worst in the league, but they both pulled themselves up into relative respectability. But it’s tough to overcome bad drafting, and getting only a half season from WR Cooper Kupp, TE Mark Andrews and QB Deshaun Watson spelled eventual doom. About the only thing you can do with a depleted roster like Jeff’s or Arizona’s is ruin the Eagles season. Then again, just about any team can do that. All it requires is a pulse.

The team of many names (Paul)
Yahoo prediction: 1945.81 pts, 5th place
My prediction: 1695.44 pts, 11th place
Actual finish: 1844.34 pts, 9th place
NFL equivalent: Indianapolis Colts
Paul and the Colts were the feel-good-but-not-too-good story of 2023. The Colts looked like they could finish last in their division, but they contended for a playoff spot until the last minutes of the season. Paul looked like he would repeat in the league basement, but he pulled himself up into the single-digit spots. He set his roster almost every week. He led the league in roster moves! Progress!!! Sure, passing on RB Christian McCaffrey (#1 overall RB) to instead pick RB Austin Eckler (#31 overall RB) will haunt his dreams the whole offseason. But those dreams will be slightly higher up the ladder this time around.

No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob)
Yahoo prediction: 1939.56 pts, 6th place
My prediction: 2167.89 pts, 2nd place
Actual finish: 1998.36 pts, 8th place
NFL equivalent: Denver Broncos
The Broncos were a laughing stock last year, but they took some small steps forward this season and could be a viable playoff team in 2024. Similarly, Bob’s squad did not make a huge jump ahead, but going from 9th last season to 8th this year is an improvement. Sure, his faith in QB Patrick Mahomes burned him, and he never really recovered from the Yahoo algorithm’s decision to draft four TEs. But there is momentum here. There is spirit. All that’s missing for both Bob and the Broncos is some sweet throwback orange uniforms for next year.

Standard Deviations (Sam)
Yahoo prediction: 1905.26 pts, 8th place
My prediction: 1965.26 pts, 7th place
Actual finish: 1998.77 pts, 7th place
NFL equivalent: Houston Texans
By the skin of his teeth, Sam edged out Bob to secure 7th place (just 0.41 pts!). But like the Texans' slim victory in the final game of the season, it was enough to put Sam and his squad at the edge of the playoff line (theoretically, since we still don’t have actual playoffs). Sure, QB Tua Tagovailoa’s late season swoon hurt, and RB Derrick Henry looks like he may be so gassed he can’t outrun a single linebacker (well, probably one on the Eagles, but that barely counts). But a year after finishing in 11th, Sam somehow made it all work enough to end on a positive note.

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo prediction: 1856.46 pts, 10th place
My prediction: 1923.88 pts, 8th place
Actual finish: 2040.02 pts, 6th place
NFL equivalent: Green Bay Packers
Even when you think the Packers aren’t relevant, they somehow sneak into the playoffs. And even when you think Mike has put together an irredeemable team, he somehow pulls them up and finishes strong. What is the secret to success for both? It’s obvious: cheese. Cheese is what makes great coaches greater. Do you think Chiefs coach Andy Reid won by eliminating cheese from his diet? Did you know that Dallas coach Mike McCarthy’s brain is 79% cheddar? Mike is headed to Wisconsin in the offseason, and once he gets his cheese reserves up even higher, the league may not be able to handle his prowess.

Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo)
Yahoo prediction: 1989.47 pts, 1st place
My prediction: 2046.01 pts. 4th place
Actual finish: 2095.45 pts, 5th place
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
The curse of the Yahoo preseason favorite pick continues. Like the Eagles, there was so much expectation here. And like the Eagles (who did make the playoffs and won 11 games), you can’t really complain about the finish, given that Jo finished in the top five. But, still, both teams were leading the league standings early. Both looked like championship contenders. And both finished the season with a thud, with almost no help from TE Dallas Goedert and without a healthy D'Andre Swift on the roster. Here’s hoping the rest of January is kinder to Jo than it will be to the walking dead birds as they enter the postseason.

Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo prediction: 1950.91 pts, 4th place
My prediction: 2133.33 pts, 3rd place
Actual finish: 2139.82 pts, 4th place
NFL equivalent: 2023 Philadelphia Phillies
Yahoo may have gotten the ranking right, but check out how close I was on that point total — only 0.3% off. I could have finished higher if I hadn’t opted to draft all the bad Eagles RBs (Rashaad Penny and Kenneth Gainwell) instead of the one decent one (D'Andre Swift ). Or if my first-round pick, RB Nick Chubb, didn’t have his leg explode early. Or if I had bothered to get a real TE before week 10. This is actually the first time in 22 years of Awesome Cup history that I’ve finished in 4th, and the sixth time in seven years I’ve placed in the top five. Plus, I passed Jo’s team in the standings in just the last two weeks, so that will help me weather another spring without a championship title.

Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad)
Yahoo prediction: 1954.60 pts, 3rd place
My prediction: 1847.94 pts, 9th place
Actual finish: 2164.69 pts, 3rd place
NFL equivalent: Buffalo Bills
Dad gets a podium finish, impressive considering he drafted from the 12th spot last fall. His bold strategy of picking QB Josh Allen over his team’s namesake, QB Jalen Hurts, gave him the margin he needed to stay ahead of my squad, even if it did call into question his true Philly fandom. And Dad averaged the most points off of defensive players — just under 10 pts a week — which is a savvy way to climb up the scoreboard. But his complete disregard for the WR position came back to haunt him. Don’t feel too bad, however: He still gets to take home the Garrity Family championship for the season, a lesser but still prestigious honor.

DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D)
Yahoo prediction: 1935.31 pts, 7th place
My prediction: 2002.55 pts, 5th place
Actual finish: 2212.55 pts, 2nd place
NFL equivalent: San Francisco 49ers
Last year’s champ looked like a real threat to repeat this season, thanks to the top TE (Sam LaPorta), the top WR (CeeDee Lamb) and #2 RB (Raheem Mostert). According to the league record book, Mom D had the most points from draft picks over the course of the season. And like the 49ers, for a brief moment late in the season she had the best team … but then got rolled by our actual champion. Still, it’s Mom’s third consecutive top 5 finish, establishing her as a team to watch in 2024. Sadly, she’ll be watching from the loser’s section with the rest of us, because the only name going on the Awesome Cup is …

 
The Best (Jonathan)
Yahoo prediction: 1957.05 pts, 2nd place
My prediction: 2302.32 pts, 1st place
Actual finish: 2241.70 pts, 1st place
NFL equivalent: 2017 Philadelphia Eagles
It only took our youngest coach three years to reach the champions' stand, an impressive turnaround for someone who didn’t know what a linebacker was just a short while ago (the Eagles still don’t, so …). If you’re gonna name your team “The Best” you better be prepared to back it up. He did. Jonathan drafted two of the top three RBs on the season (Christian McCaffery and Travis Etienne) and managed to stay afloat even as his Pro Bowl QB (Justin Herbert) went down in week 14. He was the second most active coach on the waiver wire and smartly stayed away from Philadelphia players all year long. He’s still not old enough to drink, but Jonathan gets to take a few swigs of sparkling cider from the cup that now bears his name on the side.

In case you’re keeping score at home (which you should be), I went 6-5-1 against Yahoo in the predictions this season, again proving that my prognosticating skills are superior to the so-called football experts out there. If only I could have channeled those stills into not picking WR Terry McLaurin over WR Mike Evans. Those extra 70 points would have almost won me the title.

As always, thanks for playing along and reading all year long. The boy may have come out victorious this season, but you’ll have the opportunity to dethrone him sooner than you think. Only 240 days until the next fantasy football season begins…

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 18 recap

Disappointed with how the Eagles season ended? You should be! The team has played like complete trash since Thanksgiving. But remember, there’s always another team whose fans are even more tortured than yours. Consider these franchises who were even bigger flops this season:

** Jacksonville Jaguars: As of Nov. 30, the Eagles and Jaguars were both the #1 seeds in their respective divisions. At 8-3, all the Jags needed to do to punch a ticket to the postseason was win two of their final six games. They didn’t, and fell all the way to the 9th seed in the conference after an embarrassing 28-20 loss to the 5-11 Titans in the last game of the season. Have fun at home, Trevor Lawrence.

** Carolina Panthers: After trading for the #1 pick last season, the Panthers only managed two wins all season. They didn’t score a single point in their last two games. But at least finishing the year with the worst record in the NFL gets them another #1 selection, right? Wrong. The team traded their 2024 first-round pick away to the Bears last year, and have to sit out the first 32 selections in the upcoming draft. So much for getting better in 2024.

** Los Angeles Chargers: The team entered the season as a trendy dark horse pick for a Super Bowl run. The reality was a pathetic 5-12 season where they finished with a 13-12 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs … backups. The team wasn’t above .500 at any point in the season, and their only win in the last nine games was a 6-0 victory against the Patriots. They’ve won two playoff games in the last 15 years. Maybe the Super Bowl isn’t a realistic goal.

** Cincinnati Bengals: The Bengals started the season 1-3 and lost their star QB, Joe Burrow, to an injury halfway through the year. Yet the team persevered, and won their final game of the year to pull their record to 9-8, making the AFC North the only division to have all teams with winning records. Sadly for the Bengals, they are the only one of the group not headed for the postseason, losing out on a series of tiebreakers to the division rival Steelers and recent postseason rival Bills.

** Cleveland Browns: They’re 11-5 and in the playoffs. The team looks like a real contender. And you know it isn’t going to last. These are the Browns. Those poor fans.

Top QBs of the year

3rd place: Jalen Hurts, 403.32 pts — 3rd QB drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Dak Prescott, 415.34 pts — 10th QB drafted (Mike)
1st place: Josh Allen, 450.64 pts — 2nd QB drafted (Dad)

Packers QB Jordan Love was the real steal here. He was 4th in total points scored, just 20 behind Hurts, and went undrafted. Hurts would have finished second if not for a ridiculously bad 0.60 pts performance in the season finale. Of course, finishing behind the Cowboys is something a lot of the Eagles players did this year…

Top WRs of the year

3rd place: Amon-Ra St. Brown, 223.90 pts — 8th WR drafted (Mike)
2nd place: Tyreek Hill, 259.43 pts — 4th WR drafted (Jo)
1st place: CeeDee Lamb, 277.90 pts — 7th QR drafted (Mom D)

More than halfway through the season, Hill was on pace for 2,000 yds receiving and was a shoo-in to be the top fantasy receiver of the year. Then he averaged fewer than 65 yds and 8.5 fantasy pts over his last five games and fell back to second. Lamb scored nine TDs in his last nine games, and posted 30 catches for 443 yards in his last three games. That was better than Packers WR Christian Watson had all year, and he had the #4 QB throwing to him (when he was healthy).

Top RBs of the year

3rd place: Travis Etienne, 238.53 pts — 11th RB drafted (Jonathan)
2nd place: Raheem Mostert, 249.37 pts — 48th RB drafted (Mom D)
1st place: Christian McCaffrey, 340.00 pts — 2nd RB drafted (Jonathan)

Think Mostert was a steal? The #4 RB on the season was the Rams Kyren Williams, undrafted in our league (and most others). Chargers RB Austin Ekeler, the top pick in our draft, didn’t finish in the top 30. And the distance between McCaffery and Mostert was the same fantasy value (about 91 pts) as WR Tyler Boyd, who was drafted two spots after Mostert in the 16th round.

Top TEs of the year

3rd place: Travis Kelce, 140.60 pts — 1st TE drafted (Mike)
2nd place: Evan Engram, 142.70 pts — 8th TE drafted (Bob)
1st place: Sam LaPorta, 167.17 pts — 15th TE drafted (Mom D)

Hey, remember the 2015 NFL season? You know, RB Devonta Freeman dominating the league? QB Cam Newton winning the MVP? Anyways, that’s the last time that Tavis Kelce wasn’t the top three TEs on the year. Even in a down year for him, he’s still in a different class than the rest. But LaPorta is only a rookie, we might be seeing the start of the next fantasy TE juggernaut.

Top Ks of the year

3rd place: Cairo Santos, 158.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Justin Tucker, 160.00 pts — 1st K drafted (Jo)
1st place: Brandon Aubrey, 181.00 pts — undrafted

At least Aubrey eventually got picked up by Sam. Santos, the Bears kicker, never made it onto any team in our league, despite outscoring all but two other players at the position. But no one should feel bad about that, because these are kickers, and they do not matter.

Top DEFs of the year

3rd place: Cleveland, 165.00 pts — 21st DEF drafted (Mom D)
2nd place: Baltimore, 188.00 pts — 9th DEF drafted (Dad)
1st place: Dallas, 189.00 pts — 3rd DEF drafted (Sam)

The 49ers were the second DEF drafted, and finished 10th on the year despite constant hype over them. The Eagles were the first DEF drafted in our league — they finished 28th. The Maryland Commanders were the worst defense on the year, reaching just 40.00 fantasy pts. They totaled -1.00 pts over the last eight games of the season. Ouch.

Top Ds of the year

2nd place: (tie) Antoine Winfield, 82.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: (tie) DaRon Bland, 82.00 pts — undrafted
1st place: T.J. Watt, 88.00 pts — undrafted

Someday we’ll draft a top defensive player. Someday.

QB: Derek Carr, 35.16 pts — on Mike’s bench
WR: CeeDee Lamb, 25.73 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Breece Hall, 27.60 pts — started by Bob
TE: Evan Engram, 16.27 pts — started by Bob
K: Cameron Dicker, 15.00 pts — started by Jeff
DEF: Tampa Bay, 22.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
D: Christian Wilkins, 8.50 pts — on the wire

It’s worth noting that Mike started the number two QB on the week (Prescott, 33.16 pts) and cost himself two whole points. You can feel sorry for him.

It’s also worth remembering that the Eagles selected WR Jalen Reagor in the 2020 draft three spots after Lamb and one spot ahead of WR Justin Jefferson. And that will never not suck.

“Worst performers of the year” edition

5th place: Jonathan Williams, -0.20 pts — on the wire
4th place: Matt Barkley, -0.30 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Logan Woodside, -0.32 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Nathan Peterman, -0.40 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kyle Allen, -1.30 pts — on the wire

The bottom four this year were all QBs, and all except Woodside accumulated their negative fantasy points with kneel downs at the end of games. For Allen, that meant his entire contribution to the Bills’ playoff run was 13 kneel downs for -13 yards.

Woodside at least saw a little playing time in the Saints finale, passing for 27 yds but also throwing a pick. Williams, a running back, had one rush for -2 yards in week 15, the only time the Commanders let him on the field this season.

Jets QB Aaron Rodgers, who was paid $50 million by the New Jersey franchise this season and had 17 billion stories written about him, scored exactly 0.00 pts this season, slightly ahead of this crowd.


** Buccaneers coach Todd Bowles — whose team will host the Eagles next week — was asked after Sunday’s less-than impressive 9-0 win over the Panthers how his team managed to secure the NFC South title this year despite the departure of QB Tom Brady and other stars in the offseason.

“There’s a lot of ways to skin a cat,” he said. “The guys believed in each other. They never fed into the outside media. We wrote our own narrative. We worked hard, we practiced hard and they got it done.”

That’s a lovely sentiment. Of course, the actual answer to the question is “because our division was complete trash.” The 9-8 Bucs were 5-6 outside of their own division, the best record of any NFC South team. Combined, the four squads were 15-29 (.341 win percentage) against the rest of the league. But, sure, write your own narrative.

** QB Jalen Hurts was asked about his team’s chances of beating those Buccaneers next week. His response: "I truly believe this team is more than capable of taking advantage of what's in front of us.”

That’s a weird way to put it, since the only thing that has been taken advantage of lately is that awful Eagles defense, on nearly every play.

** NBC analyst Cris Collinsworth gave us a few more gems in the final Sunday night game of the season. The worst was after a nice catch by Bills rookie TE Dalton Kincaid, which prompted this comment:

“I’m not going to compare Dalton Kincaid to Travis Kelce. Travis Kelce is a Hall of Famer. But that style of player, that’s exactly what the Bills have in Dalton Kincaid.”

Gotcha. Kincaid is not like Kelce, he’s just exactly the same kind of player. No hyperbole there, just reasoned comparisons.

The NFL season will end next month with Super Bowl LVIII at Allegiant Stadium in Las Vegas. To celebrate the historic occasion, Vegas bookkeepers are offering special rates not just on the playoff games leading up to the championship but also on a host of other football-related wagers too. Here’s a look at the latest odds on some of the best bets:

** $10 bet wins $30 — Taylor Swift will have more screen time than Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game.

** $10 bet wins $11 — The NFL refs will blow a crucial call that decides a playoff game and destroys a fan base.

** $10 bet wins $50 — Aaron Rodgers will have more screen time than Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game.

** $10 bet wins $10.50 — When the 49ers lose in the playoffs again, the high-pitched whining from the fan base will be so loud that whales off the coast of China will beach themselves in confusion.

** $10 bet wins $100 — No one in America will see Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game after the Peacock network goes bankrupt 15 minutes before kickoff.

** $10 bet wins $2,000 — RB Boston Scott will have a positive, relevant play in the Eagles first-round playoff game.

** $10 bet wins $500 — Andy Reid will eat Travis Kelce in a new Allstate commercial that premiers during the Chiefs first-round playoff game.

** $666 bet wins $666.01 — Cowboys fans will be insufferable.

Dallas enters the playoffs in its best shape in years, and is already eyeing a second round post-season win for the first time since 1995 (four years before team WR CeeDee Lamb was born). During those nearly three decades, the NFL and its fans have enjoyed enormous prosperity and peace, without the mark of the devil adorning the championship trophy. Sadly, that cosmic harmony may be in danger this year. And what will it mean if the Cowboys do make it to the final game of the season, not just for the sport, but for all mankind?

Alas, my friends, we all clearly see the answer already. It’s spelled out plainly by the letters in the threat:

The Dallas Cowboys return to the Super Bowl game
** Damage, woe to us — crypts burst below, hell on earth

Repent now, all ye good fans, for the end times may be nigh.

** Dad came into the week needing to pick every game right to force a tiebreaker in our yearly picks contest, and he put up a valiant effort. But his 12-4 showing wasn’t enough, and I claimed the fourth consecutive title in our matchup. I’m now 9-5 against him since 2010, and we don’t need to worry about what the record was before that.

For the season, Dad picked winners 59.6% of the time, while I had a 65.8% correct rate — my best season in years. In fact, that’s better than all 10 “experts” on ESPN’s big prediction board. And yet, the worldwide leader in sports still refuses to pay me for my skills. Unbelievable.

** FYI, if I had done a worst performers of the week list, Eagles WR AJ Brown would have been on it (-0.90 pts). Ugh.

** Monday’s Eagles playoff game in Tampa will come almost exactly two years from the last time these two met in the playoffs: An ugly 31-15 loss by Philly where Hurts looked lost and embarrassed. But after that, the Eagles won 26 of their next 31 games and took a trip to the Super Bowl. So, if the team does go belly up next week as expected … maybe things could get good again? Wishful thinking for those ugly weeks ahead?


The final Awesome Cup standings will be unveiled on Tuesday in the final season recap.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 17 recap

The Eagles loss to the Cardinals on Sunday appeared to be a devastating blow to their playoff hopes this year, but that’s not a fair way to look at the contest. It’s actually a devastating blow to the team’s season AND future, plus a giant boon to all the other teams in the NFL you hate, damaging the birds possibly for the next decade. Consider:

** The loss handed the #2 seed to the Cowboys, giving them a guaranteed home game in the first and second round of the playoffs. The Cowboys went 8-0 at home this season. An Eagles win would have forced them on the road, where they went 4-7 last year (including the end of the 2022 season). Instead of a possible first-round exit for the Cowboys, now it’s easy to imagine a fluke upset of an inconsistent 49ers team in the second round leading to the NFC championship game being held in Dallas and a free trip to the Super Bowl for the Cowboys because the Eagles could not win over a 3-12 team.

** The Cardinals win dropped them from #2 in the 2023 draft order to #4. The Commanders moved up to #2, and the Patriots to #3. Both of those teams are desperate for QB help … and this draft has three elite prospects. By losing to a 3-12 team, the Eagles may have just given both of those franchises passers who become Pro Bowl starters over the next few years.

** It’s widely assumed that Patriots Coach Bill Belichick will step away from New England at the end of the season, after another disappointing campaign. But if the team does get a new star QB, could that change? Could he stick around a few more years? And if he does, does he pick up 27 wins over the next three or four years to break the all-time coaching victories mark? If so, he’ll be able to point back to the Eagles losing to a 3-12 team as the turning point for his revitalization.

** And what about the Eagles themselves? Coach Nick Sirianni just got beat by his former defensive coordinator, Jonathan Gannon, whose team was 3-12 coming into the week. His former offensive coordinator, Shane Steichen, is in the coach of the year debate for his work with an undermanned Colts team. Could the front office force Sirianni to make changes after the team’s upcoming first-round playoff loss? And if he balks, does the overly emotional coach end up losing his job? If so, the easiest thing would be to promote someone from within … which is how the Eagles could end up with Matt Patricia (13-29-1) as their head coach next season, a nightmare scenario which cripples the franchise for the next five years.

So don’t think of the Eagles loss to the Cardinals as a hard-to-swallow loss. Think of it as possibly the start of the darkest chapter of football you’ve ever considered. Feel better now?

QB: Lamar Jackson, 46.34 pts — started by me
WR: Davante Adams, 26.90 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Kyren Williams, 28.63 pts — started by me
TE: Juwan Johnson, 16.00 pts — on the wire
K: Harrison Butker, 24.00 pts — started by Mom
DEF: Houston, 24.00 pts — on the wire
D: Jermaine Johnson, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Jackson, who will likely be named the league’s MVP in a few weeks, has led all players in fantasy points over the last four weeks. Number two on that list? The guy he replaced: 38-year-old Joe Flacco, now starting for the Browns. Flacco threw for more TDs in December than any other player (13) after playing zero downs the first 12 weeks of the season. Utterly absurd.

Houston was the second-best defense in the league in December. The best? The LA Raiders, of course, who totaled 63.00 pts … including the 1.00 pts they scored in Sunday’s loss to the Colts. This is the second week in a row I’ve had to write something about the Raiders inconsistency, and frankly, I don’t care enough about them to make it three in a row, no matter what they do in the finale.

The top performers list includes a Jackson, two Johnsons, an Adams and a Williams. That’s a collection of really, really boring last names. How did we miss a dude named Smith?

“More bad QBs” edition

3rd place: Desmond Ridder, -1.32 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Will Levis, -1.36 pts — on the wire
1st place: Mike White, -2.00 pts — on the wire

Seven QBs ended up in negative territory this week, a record for this season. Three of them were backups who lost points on game-ending kneedowns. All of the others were losers, including White (who fumbled in the waning moments of the Dolphins game) and Levis (who lost a fumble early before being forced out due to injury).

This was the sixth game out of 14 this year that Ridder, the sometimes Falcons’ starter, has posted fewer than 10 fantasy points. He’s the 23rd ranked fantasy QB, just behind Kirk Cousins (who suffered a season-ending injury in week 8) and 4.04 pts ahead of Joe Burrow (who suffered a season-ending injury in week 11). The Falcons have lost six games this season by 8 points or fewer, and would have easily won the NFC South if they went 3-3 in those contests.

It’s worth noting that the Falcons were among the teams that could have easily signed Lamar Jackson in the offseason, but said they were comfortable with what they had in house. And because of that, they’ll be spending lots of time at home this postseason.



** After Michigan’s college football playoff win over Alabama (who should have been ranked 8th or 9th and not 4th, but that’s another story), ESPN announcer Chris Fowler shrieked in delight that “The Wolverines storybook season continues, and they head to the championship game!”

And that is a great description, if you read the kind of storybooks where Cinderella cheated her stepsisters to get to the ball and then, after meeting the prince, had to jail her fairy godmother for a separate series of fraud acts while claiming that the royal family was just out to get her for no reason, then lived happily ever after. But, it’s the NCAA, there aren’t really rules anyone needs to follow.

** ESPN headline on Monday: Will Panthers’ Bryce Young grow like Jaguars’ Trevor Lawrence?

From the story: “The Panthers can only hope Young improves over the next couple of seasons the way Lawrence has.”

Lawrence, who like Young was a much-hyped #1 overall pick, is the 20th-ranked passer on the year and has not been a top-10 QB any of his three years in the league. He may not have his contract extended by Jacksonville this offseason. Meanwhile, the guy drafted first one year before Lawrence — Bengals QB Joe Burrow — is considered to be one of the best in all of football and just signed a $275 million contract extension last summer. Seems like he’d be a better target goal…

But, um, yeah. Hopefully Young can improve to the same level as Lawrence. It’ll make it easier for Carolina to leave him on the side of the road somewhere.

Speaking of Carolina, Panthers owner David Tepper was caught on camera throwing a drink at a Jaguars fan from a luxury box during his team’s shutout loss on Sunday. The NFL has promised to investigate the incident, but it’s hardly the only instance of inexcusable ownership behavior. Here are a few of the incidents that didn’t get publicity but deserve similar public condemnation:

** Browns owner Jimmy Haslam is under federal investigation for illegal payments to boost the value of the company Pilot ahead of its sale. Reportedly, Haslam needed the cash to pay QB Desean Watson even more not to play for his team.

** Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti has been accused of colluding with fellow owners last summer to restrict the market for QB Lamar Jackson, a move designed to save his franchise money. If this one isn’t true, it would mean a lot of GMs who ignored Jackson were just dumb, and we know that can’t be the case.

** Eagles owner Jeffery Laurie has been indicted for causing mass injuries resulting from blood vessels bursting in the heads of Philadelphia fans after his team lost to a 3-12 CARDINALS TEAM FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD.

** Colts owner Jim Irsay last month said he was arrested for driving while intoxicated because police were profiling him as “a rich, white billionaire.” And that’s why you always see Bill Gates being stopped by cops whenever he is in town.

** Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been drinking the blood of young children and puppies for decades to help him stay alive. The NFL still plans no action to address this.


Cowboys DT Carl Davis has been on seven different NFL teams in his eight-year NFL career, but he appears to have found a long-term home with in Dallas this season. It’s not because of his play — he only has three tackles on the season — but instead the personality and character which he has brought to the locker room since his rookie year. And that, of course, was all spelled out in his name when he was drafted back in 2015:

Rookie Carl Davis
** A sad, virile crook
** A coked visor liar
** A sicko rival doer
** A dark voice roils
** A loser. Avoid, Rick.

Really, all of us should avoid Davis and all the Cowboys, not just Rick. But if there are any Richards in your life, please let them know.

** Congrats to Dad, who won the Garrity Family League handily this week with a 181.18 to 148.32 drubbing of Shelly’s team. It’s only her third loss on the season, but it comes when the games count the most. Before the season, Yahoo picked Dad’s team as the fifth-best out of eight, and Shelly sixth. The expert algorithm also picked Uncle Jim to win the league, and he finished dead last.

I finished third in the standings, just edging out Mom’s infuriating team that won despite never scoring points. That gives me two third-place finishes in three of my fantasy leagues, also known as the bronze “always out of the money” medal. Maybe with a good rally this week I can finish third in the Awesome Cup too.

** Condolences to Dad, who went 1-5 in our weekly picks to drop to minus-16 for the season in the head-to-head contest. He’ll need to pick every single game right this week to force a tiebreaker, which is a tall order considering he’s only batting .586 on the season. But upset miracles do happen, just ask the Cardinals.

** So Jonathan Gannon ended the Eagles season two years in a row. Great. Just great.

** If you didn’t see the conclusion of the Pop Tart Bowl on Dec. 28, please go watch it now. It’ll wash the taste of bad football out of your mouth … and put other tastes in there. 

Week 17 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 2144.31 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 2105.99 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 2074.83 pts
4 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt Awesome), 2023.68 pts
5 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1989.71 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1950.69 pts
7 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1892.02 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1878.98 pts
9 — Holiday Hangovers (Paul), 1778.78 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1655.17 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 1613.67 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1601.17 pts

Only two real moves in the standings to chat about this week — Ant climbed out of the cellar and left Joel’s body down there, and I leapfrogged Jo to claim fourth place. Neither of those moves will likely feature in the championship.

In fact, Jonathan has such a commanding lead over most of the field that he could probably bench all of his players and safely beat anyone except Dad and Mom D. As it is, Dad is going to need to outscore our leader by 70 pts this week to claim another Awesome Cup title. Mom D has a better shot at grabbing back-to-back championships, trailing her grandson by only 38.32 pts. But both she and the boy have a lot of players likely to sit this week, making those last-minute roster moves all the more critical.

This is it: your last chance to improve your squad, reach for glory or simply add Nick Foles to your roster because it feels right. Two games are Saturday night, the rest are Sunday. For the final time this season, get those teams ready for one last run onto the field.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 16 recap

Gather round, friends

For a story of Christmas
Which over the years
Has become quite a mess

Our sad tale begins
Back in 1-9-6-8
When the NFL season
Was not going great

The Birds’ record was bad
The fans shared their boos
And the team’s home finale
Brought just more bad news

Another sad turnover
Just at the half
Left the Philly crowd
With nary a laugh

As the team hit the locker
Out came the floor show
Would they boost the fans’ spirits?
With this lineup, no.

For amid the performers
Was a sinister creep
Who entered fans' houses
While they were asleep

Is it normal for men
To steal cookies and milk?
To climb through the chimney?
To wear a red suit of silk?

His dead eyes ablaze
And a wind hard ablow
He ran on the field
To spread his weird woe

So what could the fans do
To stop his crazed folly
They scooped up some snow
And let loose a volley

Their shower of snowballs
Stopped Santa fraud
And the good folks of Philly
All stood to applaud

But was their deed lauded
By the world all about?
Of course not, you know
Beyond a shadow of doubt

Their bravery was twisted
By sick, rival fans
Who spread wicked lies
Across all the land

“They tried to hurt Santa!”
The story became
And year after year
The falsehood remained

This Christmas remember
The heroes of Philly
And the brave deeds they did
Just ignore all the silly.

When folks ask if you
Back the birds, just say yes.
And proudly proclaim
E-A-G-L-E-S.

QB: Derek Carr, 30.96 pts — on Mike’s bench
WR: Amari Cooper, 37.17 pts — started by Sam
RB: Breece Hall, 33.90 pts — started by Bob
TE: Chigoziem Okonkwo, 13.20 pts — started by Ant
K: Jason Sanders, 22.00 pts — started by Mike
DEF: Las Vegas, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Adoree' Jackson, 11.00 pts — on the wire

The Raiders defense scored 14 points in the team’s 20-14 win over the Chiefs this week. That means their offense failed to score a TD for the second time in the last three weeks, and they are 2-1 over that stretch. The NFL continues to make zero sense.

Cooper, who has had four different QBs starting for his team this season, had a six-game stretch in November/December where he totaled 398 yds and one TD. Over his last two games, he has 374 yds and three TDs, including his 265 yds on Sunday to eliminate me from one of my paid fantasy leagues. I guess I should have figured he’d take off as soon as he had 87-year-old Joe Flacco throwing to him..

Breece Hall’s fantasy season so far: Three games over 22 fantasy pts, three games under 3.5 fantasy points. Just buckle up and hope you get lucky when you need him, I guess.


“Incompetent players” edition

4th place: Boston Scott, -1.40 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Case Keenum, -1.52 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Sam Howell, -1.76 pts — on Mom D’s bench
1st place: Deonte Harty, -1.78 pts — on the wire

It’s really, really hard to end up in negative fantasy points territory as a starting QB. Both Howell and Keenum outdid themselves, each passing for fewer than 70 yds and throwing a pair of picks. Of course, Keenum was a last-minute fill-in to cover for an injured CJ Stroud. Howell? The Commanders have advertised him as the future of their franchise. His last five starts have resulted in an average of 168 yds a game passing with two TDs and eight INTs. Might want to re-evaluate the future.

Boston Scott is so bad that he can’t even find a way to fail right. I had to add another place to my biggest losers list just to include him here.


** Speaking of that awful Commanders game, the folks on ESPN radio in their pregame show previewed it as one of the toughest games of the year to watch, given that both the Jets and Commanders had already been eliminated from the playoffs. They turned to former coach Tony Dungy just before kickoff for “reasons to watch” the contest, and he did not disappoint.

“Well, one of these teams has to win,” he said. “I mean, unless they tie. Then I guess they don’t.”

Truly, that’s the kind of insight you can only get from someone who has been on the sidelines before.

** In Monday’s matchup between the Nuggets and Warriors, F Nikola Jokic went 18-18 from the free-throw line in his team’s 120-114 victory. According to ESPN, that’s “an NBA record for free throw made in a game without a miss on Christmas.”

No, it’s not. That is not a record. Shots made on Christmas is not something that the NBA or anyone in their right mind keeps track of. Records are things like “points in a game” or “wins in a season” and not “most free throws without a miss made by a player whose last name starts with J on a winter holiday.”

FYI, this week I tied the record for blogs posted on this website on the day after Christmas, with one.

** I thought there was not a Monday night game this week, but there is. It’s just on Saturday. The Cowboys/Lions game will be a Monday Night Football special on Saturday night with no actual Monday Night game on Monday and that will never, ever not be stupid.

The Lions clinched the NFC North title this week, the first time they’ve won the division since it was reconstituted and their first division title of any sort since 1993. Here’s a quick look at exactly how long ago that was:

** Only four players on their current roster were born the last time the Lions won their division. The oldest one, Long Snapper Jake McQuaide, was in kindergarten.

** The Houston Texans, Jacksonville Jaguars, Baltimore Ravens and Carolina Panthers did not exist yet.

** QB Peyton Manning had not played a single down of college football yet.

** OJ Simpson was still a commentator for NBC.

** The Dallas Cowboys won the Super Bowl and were still a relevant franchise.

Even Cowboys players, as evil as they are, aren’t immune from the Christmas spirit. They just manifest it in different, horrible ways. Just look at the freakish, festive messages their names spell out:

Dallas Cornerback Noah Igbinoghene
** Ho, ho, be nice or gangs call and break in

Dallas Cornerback Nahshon Wright
** Ho, ho, Santa chews garland. Brr, clink!

Cowboys Defensive Lineman Johnathan Hankins
** Ho ho I beat janky snowmen, elves, fans in hind can
.
Make sure to leave an extra cookie out for Santa Cowboy next Christmas Eve. And then remember to eat it before you go to bed, because you do not want Jerry Jones in a red suit breaking into your house at night.

** During the Georgia Tech/UCF bowl game, a fan in the stands was shown with a shirt that read “I just hope both teams have fun” and honestly that’s the best explanation for why there are 200 college bowl games.

** Great week for Dad, who went 4-2 in our weekly picks (cutting his deficit to 12 for the year) and soundly thumped me in the Garrity family league. Once again, I outscored every team except for the one I was playing, and that’s why I’ll end up without the championship trophy.

** I’m just saying, if ESPN.com decided to make the teaser on the Philly game “Hurts scores a Christmas TD in Eagles win” on its website, they should be obligated to make the next headline “Pacheco suffers a Christmas concussion in Chiefs loss” and not omit the holiday from that one.


Week 16 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1990.00 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1963.84 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Pop), 1938.37 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1900.34 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt Awesome), 1889.45 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1825.49 pts
7 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1811.93 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1762.78 pts
9 — The Muppets Fantasy Football (Paul), 1669.77 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1561.65 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1549.60 pts
12 — Jabronis (Ant), 1527.13 pts

Jonathan maintains his hold on first place, but his grandmother is lurking close behind. With two weeks left, it may be hard for anyone else to catch those two and challenge for the title, but that’s why we play the games.

I’d watch the Muppets Fantasy Football movie, but not Paul’s team — he’s mired in 9th place, and could still be caught by Jeff if his hot streak continues. Ant needs to rally to stay out of the basement. And Bob is caught in 8th, which is an improvement over last year and respectable for his dedication.

All of the actual Monday night football games are done for the season, but we still have a Thursday night game somehow? And there is a late game on New Year’s Eve. The NFL needs you to watch up to the very, very end of the year, I guess. Just keep an eye on those rosters.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 15 recap

You may think that your Christmas tree is already trimmed and decorated, but here are a few last-minute NFL additions that will make your house merry and bright:

** Josh Allen ornament, $15.95
The best part isn’t the “OH MY JOSH” phrase that every Christmas tree needs. It’s the fact that the Bills signal caller is looking down, so you can’t even see his face.

** Football helmet ornament, $12.99
The helmet comes with the phrase “can tackle anything” and can be customized with any team logo you want except for the Carolina Panthers, for obvious reasons.

** Patrick Mahomes ornament, $13.95
When it comes to Christmas decorations, all of us should go big or Mahomes, as the ornament says.

** Michael Oher ornament, $7.80
Sadly, the former offensive lineman does not get any royalties for sales of these decorations.

** Bouncing buddy Patriots ornament, $15.91
It’s the perfect gift for any NFL fan, since it shows a nameless, faceless New England player and no one in America can name anyone on the shell of a team anymore.

** Troy Aikman 1996 keepsake ornament, $24.89
Hang this by your stockings to remember the last time the Cowboys were relevant in the playoffs.

QB: Jared Goff, 41.12 pts — started by Jo
WR: Jordan Addison, 22.40 pts — started by Sam
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 36.80 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Sam LaPorta, 24.23 pts — started by Mom D
K: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Miami, 29.00 pts — started by Jonathan
D: Bradley Chubb, 14.50 pts — on the wire

49ers QB Brock Purdy this week said that McCaffrey should be getting more consideration in the MVP race, and it’s hard to argue against him. He’s leading the league in rushing by more than 300 yds, tied for the league lead in total TDs with 20, and has the most receiving yards among all RBs. He’s the #5 overall fantasy player and 70 points ahead of the next closest non-QB. And he’s seventh in the current MVP gambling odds, behind his own QB.

Hope every Jared Goff fantasy owner is having fun on that roller coaster. He’s the seventh best passer over the last four weeks, but it’s all fits and starts: 22.18 pts, 20.32 pts, 6.44 pts, 41.12 pts. The Lions are 2-2 over that stretch with a blowout win over the Broncos and a blowout loss to the Bears. This team could win the NFC championship or lose in the first round to a 9-8 team.

“Jets QBs” edition

3rd place: Aaron Rodgers, 0.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Zach Wilson, -0.96 pts — on Jeff’s bench
1st place: Trevor Siemian, -1.60 pts — on the wire

It’s never a good day when the best QB on your roster is the one on injured reserve, but it has been that kind of year for the Jets.

Wilson, who is terrible and should not be in the NFL and still somehow beat the Eagles, on Sunday completed just four passes for 26 yards and fumbled before being knocked out of the game. His replacement, Siemian, managed three turnovers in three quarters of work, posting a QB rating of 32.9 (lower than the 39.6 rating you got sitting on your couch).

The 30-0 loss to the Dolphins mercifully killed whatever remaining playoff hopes the Jets had. The franchise has now missed the playoffs for 13 consecutive years, the longest active drought in the league. When they last played in the postseason, Eagles DT Fletcher Cox wasn’t even in the NFL yet, and now he’s talking about retirement.


** If you were wondering why there were three NFL games on Saturday, CBS Sports had an explanation for you:

“The primary reason is that college football is finally subsiding. Typically, NCAA games dominate the Saturday schedule, but now that we've reached a point where only select bowl games are on the broadcast slate, the NFL is free to fill the void with games of its own.”

Just to be clear, there were only SEVEN college bowl games on Saturday, so we really needed the NFL to give us something else to entertain us. What would we do with a mere 13 hours of college games to watch?

** Sports Illustrated this week named University of Colorado football coach Deion Sanders as their sportsman of the year. “In less than a year, Sanders has not only transformed a moribund football program, he also breathed fresh life into the campus and transformed a community.”

The Buffaloes were ranked as high as #17 in the country this year … before they started having to back that ranking up on the field. The team finished 4-8, last in their conference, and with a record worse than or equal to all but one of their last seven seasons. 

With those kinds of transformational skills, he’ll be back on the unemployment line in no time.

** After Sunday’s games were finished, the Eagles, 49ers and Cowboys all clinched playoff spots despite only one of those teams winning that day. When Dallas QB Dak Prescott was asked how it felt to be headed back to the postseason even though his team had just lost to the Bills, here was his response:

"I don't care, to be honest… we can check it off, but we've got other things to focus on. I've continued to tell you all in different times this is about us putting our best performances out each and every week, and today we simply didn't do that.”

If the Cowboys leaders don’t care about making the playoffs, it makes sense why they don’t stay in the postseason very long.

Since the Eagles are playing like jokes right now, here are actual football jokes you can use to liven up the room during their next inevitable meltdown:

How did the octopus do in the football game?
— He had ten-tackles! Which is better than any of the Eagles pathetic defenders.

Where do Eagles players dance?
— At a foot ball! And not in the end zone. They forgot how to get there.

What insect is the worst football player?
— The fumble-bee. He has almost as many turnovers as Jalen Hurts.

What is harder to catch the faster you run?
— Your breath. This isn’t a problem for the Eagles offense, since they never run at the right times.

What do NFL centers wear on their feet?
— Hiking shoes! Unless it’s Jason Kelce, then it’s “mystery false start penalty” shoes.

What’s the difference between the Eagles and a dollar bill?
— You can get four quarters out of a dollar bill! Also, a dollar bill won’t consistently collapse on third and long.

How many clowns does it take to change a light bulb?
— I dunno, let’s hand one to the Eagles coaches to find out.

All too often we look at a Cowboys player and assume we know what he’s all about: He’s mean, he’s rotten, he wants to eat kids. But sometimes it’s worth taking time to unpack the true evil inside. Consider Cowboys rookie Tyrus Wheat, whose name quickly and easily anagrams into a simple revelation of his personality:

Tyrus Wheat
** Watery tush

But is it enough to stop there? Is there more to be discovered if we look at the position he plays and the inner fiber of his being?

DE Tyrus Wheat
** Dusty weather

Of course, you could have said those things about Tyrus before he began playing for the Cowboys. What about now that he has joined the NFL squad? What do the letters in his name say about him today?

Dallas DE Tyrus Wheat
** Dastardly weasel hut

And, finally, when the entire player’s title is revealed, so is the true nature of his character.

Dallas Cowboys DE Tyrus Wheat
** Yo, we watched: Bro slays adults

Let this be a reminder not to judge a book by its cover. Don’t assume you’ll hate the story when, in fact, you end up really, really hating the story.

** Dad dropped another game in our weekly picks contest to fall down 14 for the year. But that doesn’t tell the whole story.

We had nine games different this week, and Dad lost the first four of the week, dropping him to minus-17 for the season. He then reeled off four straight wins against me — including getting the Dallas loss right — before ultimately dropping the Sunday night game. Still, an impressive turnaround. He needs to average four a week from here on out to claim the title. And if he’s down 17 going into the final week, it’s all over.

** Speaking of Dad, he and I face off in the Garrity Family League playoffs this week in a Christmas throwdown. Mom upset Shelly last week and plays her again in the first round. I averaged 29.4 points a week more than Mom this year, so I have no doubt she’ll win the championship in a blowout.

** The last time the Eagles beat the Seahawks, QB Donovan McNabb threw two TD passes and CB Lito Sheppard broke up two pass plays. So, it has been a while. Eight straight losses, to be exact.

 
Week 15 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1893.74 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1847.44 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1828.91 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1796.63 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 1766.18 pts
6 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1693.62 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1678.91 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1639.78 pts
9 — Poetical Nonsense (Paul), 1558.80 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1471.42 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1448.95 pts
12 — Jabronis (Ant), 1430.54 pts

Huge news in the standings — we have a new bottom dweller! Jeff’s solid week coupled with a dismal performance by Ant (only two players in double digits) drop him to the caboose slot in the league train. Ant also missed out on 30 pts on his bench, which would have been more than enough to keep him out of last. With just three weeks left in the season, he’s in danger of being left behind in 2023 while the rest of us move on to bigger and better things.

At the other end, Jonathan’s huge week (161.69 pts) gives him a suddenly sizable cushion heading into the holiday blitz. For perspective, Dad — whose name is a constant taunt and lie at this point — scored 120.43 points and fell behind by 40 in the standings. Still, our top four are all within 100 points, a not-insurmountable total for a three-week stretch.

Sunday is Christmas Eve, Monday is Christmas, and every day is a day that the NFL wants to jam its product down your throat. There are games on Thursday, Monday, Saturday, and maybe even Sunday too. Check and get those rosters in gear.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 14 recap

How the Eagles can still miss the playoffs:

** The Eagles lose the rest of their games. Given that their defense is complete garbage and their offense forgot how to score points, this is a realistic possibility.

** The Cowboys win at least one more game.

** The Packers win their last four games (Bucs, Panthers, Vikings and Bears).

** The Rams win their last four games (Commanders, Saints, Giants and a 49ers team resting players in their final week).

** The Seahawks win their last four games (Eagles, Titans, Steelers and Cardinals).

Then the Eagles, at 10-7, will be in eighth place in the NFC, and sitting at home for the first round of the playoffs.

Of course, the way they are playing, they could win one game, make the playoffs and then bomb out in the first round. So they should be resting at home in mid-January either way.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 37.64 pts — started by me
WR: Deebo Samuel, 26.37 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Raheem Mostert, 22.37 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Evan Engram, 24.33 pts — started by Bob
K: Brandon Aubrey, 22.00 pts — started by Sam
DEF: Minnesota, 25.00 pts — on the wire
D: Ronnie Harrison Jr., 10.00 pts — on the wire

For the record, Cincinnati QB Jake Browning was the third best fantasy QB on the week, and he was on my bench. Falcons QB Desmond Ridder was the fourth best QB in fantasy on the week, and he may not even be the fourth-best QB on his own team. Weird, weird week.

How weird, you ask? There were zero WRs with two or more TDs this week. But there were three TEs with two end zone grabs: Engram, David Njoku and Hunter Henry. There were no defenses that scored negative points — the first time that has happened all year — and four that scored exactly 15 pts (which feels like it means something but I don’t know what.)

Jalen Hurts, Jared Goff and Tua Tagovailoa all lost. Bailey Zappe and Tommy Devito won. The world is upside down.
“Eagles defense” edition

1st place: Philadelphia, 8.00 pts — started by Paul

It’s weird because the stat line reads as if the Eagles defense was worth some fantasy points but in reality the entire group was worthless. Utterly worthless.


** In case you missed it, the Cowboys were wearing their “color rush” uniforms on Sunday night. For most teams, the color rush outfits feature the team’s primary color in covering nearly all of the shirt, pants and helmets of players. For the Eagles, they’re all green. For the Vikings, they’re all purple. And for the Cowboys, they’re … all white. You know, the absence of color. The opposite of what a color “rush” would be.

I’m looking forward to next week, when Dallas shows off its throwback uniforms. They’re brand new.

** Cleaning up the house this weekend, I found Sport Illustrated’s pre-season predictions for the MLB season. Their pick for the World Series result? Yankees over Padres … two teams that missed the playoffs. The actual result? Rangers over the Diamondbacks … two teams they did not pick for the playoffs.

In their defense, though, they did accurately predict four of the twelve teams to make the playoffs. And in baseball, a .333 batting average is very, very good.

** On ESPN’s fantasy football landing page, when you go to check scores, the site displays a message that the game statistics are “presented ad-free after a word from our sponsor.” At which point they show a short ad. Because words have no meaning.

MLB star Shohei Ohtani signed a 10-year, $700-million contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers this week, breaking the previous high for a free-agent baseball deal by more than $250 million. and that’s not even the most insane part of the story. Because Ohtani pulls in roughly $45 million in endorsement annually and wants the Dodgers to keep spending to make the team around him better, he is deferring $680 million of that contract until 2034, giving the team financial flexibility for the next decade.

All this begs the question — what could Ohanti buy with that $680 million he doesn’t need? Here are a few items of note:

** The Columbus Blue Jackets: Valued at $600 million, Ohanti could become an NHL owner and still have almost $100 million cash on hand.

** Eight years of OF Bryce Harper, SS Trea Turner and P Aaron Nola: Harper has $196 million left on his contract, Turner is due about $219 million through 2031, and Nola just signed a seven-year, $172 million deal. There’s still $93 million left after that, which is probably enough to put a couple of guys around them too.

** 104.6 million Dodger Dogs: That’s one free hot dog for every fan who buys a ticket to any home game for the next 27 years.

** The 15 highest paid players in the NFL this year: That list somehow includes QB Aaron Rodgers ($37.5 million in 2023) but not WR Tyreek Hill (a mere $30 million salary, 18th in the league).

** Almost the entire Japanese Nippon Professional Baseball league: Eleven of the 12 teams combined have a value of $608 million. The 12th, the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks, have a value of about $700 million all alone.

** About one-ninth of SoFi Stadium: The home of two LA NFL teams cost $5.5 billion to build.

The public report out of Cowboys camp this week was that Coach Mike McCarthy had to miss several days of practice for an emergency appendectomy, a procedure that threatened to make him miss Sunday’s game. So it was a surprise to some when he was on the sidelines for the contest, ready to handle game-day duties. Of course, the real story is that there was no appendectomy, and the procedure was actually a mandated medical procedure that all Cowboys staffers go through. And, naturally, they hid the truth in plain sight, in the letters of their cover story:

Dallas Coach Mike McCarthy’s recent appendix surgery
** Lance men extracted his grimy, cracked soul. Happy scar!

Fun fact: It’s actually very difficult for Dallas staffers to coach with any piece of a soul in them, because it offers a reminder of all the evil they are committing.


** Dad and I split our picks again this week, leaving me up 13 for the season with just four weeks left to go. He can still come back, I think. Scoring 14 in the final quarter is the kind of thing players from Philly used to do but I don’t know if it’s possible anymore.

** Sunday’s 3-0 win by the Vikings over the Raiders was the first game in 16 years to total fewer than four points of offense and only the seventh time in the Super Bowl era that a game has ended with that little scoring. And in the standings, it counts the same as the Dolphins 70-20 win over the Broncos. Life can be unfair.

** I did make the playoffs in one of my pay fantasy leagues, thanks for asking.


Week 14 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1732.05 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1728.64 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1708.48 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1680.10 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 1623.95 pts
6 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1578.23 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1574.67 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1556.11 pts
9 — Misguided Optimism (Paul), 1472.19 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1378.80 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 1354.47 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1339.88 pts

Last week, Jonathan held onto the top spot by fewer than five points. This week, he’s up by less than four, but we’ve got a completely different silver medal squad. Mom D jumped from fourth to second thanks to a 143.38 points performance (second only to Bob’s 149.50 point outburst) and is looming just behind our youngest coach. And Justin Herbert’s injury leaves Jonathan without a reliable QB, making the stretch run to the championship a tall task.

Dad is lurking not far behind, and Jo’s squad took a huge tumble (only 65 points this week, and 24 came from her kicker and defense!). Don’t sleep on the Brotherly Shove Squad — I’ve been slowly inching my way up the charts and can grab that top spot as long as we have about 20 weeks left in the season.

Paul’s misguided optimism has him giving a respectable showing this season, and I’m pretty sure Ant and Jeff got lost at sea. But all hope is not gone yet. There are still four weeks left in the season. The bye weeks are all done, and the championship push starts with a Thursday game and three Saturday games because the NFL DOES NOT CARE whether you have other plans. Just get your rosters set before you head out Christmas shopping.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 13 recap

Following Sunday’s embarrassing loss to the 49ers, the Eagles front office scrambled to find free agent help to plug some of the glaring holes in their squad. That led to signing LB Shaquille Leonard and talks with TE Zach Ertz, but the team must do more if they’re serious about making a championship run. Here’s a few other names to consider:

** CB Marcus Peters: The former Raiders defensive back has playoff experience and could give valuable depth to a Philadelphia secondary constantly struggling with injuries.

** DE JJ Watt: I know he retired last year, but are we sure he’s done? The 34-year-old’s brother (TJ Watt) is just five years younger and has 14 sacks on the season. JJ is probably good for four or five key sacks down the stretch.

** WR Julio Jones: The former All-Pro receiver could serve as a big red zone target for QB Jalen Hurts. There were rumors the Eagles signed him weeks ago, but there have been no public sightings of him since Thanksgiving.

** RB Kenyan Drake: The eight-year pro has played for five different teams and looked pretty worn down in his last action with the Ravens. But even if he can just barely walk, he’s an upgrade over RB Boston Scott.

** OF Shohei Ohtani: Does he play football? It’s unclear. The guy can pitch and hit and do everything else in baseball, so maybe he could also give the Eagles a boost. He’s 6-4 and 209 lbs, about the same size as CB James Bradberry.

** QB Nick Foles: I’m just saying, The Eagles have never won a Super Bowl without him on the roster.

QB: Brock Purdy, 37.46 pts — on Sam’s bench
WR: Deebo Samuel, 31.13 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Joe Mixon, 25.07 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Sam LaPorta, 19.83 pts — started by Mom D
K: Brandon Aubrey, 15.00 pts — started by Sam
DEF: LA Chargers, 22.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Andrew Van Ginkel, 11.00 pts — on the wire

Great. A whole bunch of 49ers and Cowboys up there.

The Chargers defense dominated the Patriots on Sunday, collecting five sacks and a fumble recovery while shutting out the inept New England offense. And that’s great news for LA, because their offense was almost equally bad: They kicked two FGs in the second quarter and won the game 6-0. It’s only the 19th time since 1966 that a game has ended with fewer than seven combined points, and the first time it has happened since 2018. The game had more than twice as many punts (13) as points. For some reason, all fans who bought seats for the pathetic display were not immediately offered refunds.

Somehow I’ve only made fun of Andrew Van Ginkel’s name on the blog one time before, and that was three years ago. I’ll have to fix that in a future posting.

“Defensive” edition

3rd place: (tie) Cleveland, -3.00 pts — started by Mom D
3rd place: (tie) Dallas, -3.00 pts — started by Sam
2nd place: Philadelphia, -4.00 pts — started by Paul
1st place: Maryland, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Welcome to the NFC East, where the best defense of the week belonged to the Giants, who were on a bye. The other three teams combined for 111 pts allowed, three sacks and one turnover.

Six defenses scored in negative points this week, and Mom D had two of them. Too bad she didn’t have the insight to start the Saints instead of the Browns, she would have only scored -2.00 pts with them. Some weeks you just can’t win.


** During Thursday night’s game between the Seahawks and Cowboys, every time a short yardage play came up, analyst Kirk Herbstreit made a reference to the Eagles unstoppable one-yard rush package. You know, the one where they push the QB forward for a first down or TD. The one everyone has talked about all season long.

That’s right, the “push tush,” as Herbstreit called it FOUR SEPARATE TIMES in the game.

I get it, it’s easy to reverse those two terms … if you haven’t been watching any pro football this season. Which, if you’ve heard any of Herbstreit’s commentary this year, may be the case.

** During halftime of the Pac-12 Championship game, studio analyst Booger McFarland was extolling the offensive line play of Washington and highlighted one play where the blockers drove the defenders 10 yards downfield.

“Look at the running back pushing his man across the field too,” he exclaimed. “You think this game doesn’t mean a lot? Don’t tell them that. These guys are hustling.”

I did mention this was the Pac-12 championship game? You know, a contest where zero individuals involved believed “this game doesn’t mean a lot.” I watched a little of the second half just to make sure, and when Oregon lost, their coach did not say he was happy to miss out on a playoff appearance and finish second in the league title race.

** From the Washington Post on Monday: “The Saints lost QB Derek Carr in the fourth quarter to back, shoulder and head injuries after he was hit by DL Bruce Irvin as he released a pass … Saints Coach Dennis Allen called the injuries ‘concerning.’”

Slow down with the hyperbole there, coach. Only the top third of his body is injured. If everything waist up was damaged, then that would be worth raising an eyebrow over.
 

It’s that time of year again — college football bowl season, where words and sponsorships lose all meaning. Can you identify which of these are real bowl games and which are AI-generated fakes?

 

Cricket Celebration Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Pop Tarts Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Roofclaim.com Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Wasabi Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Starco Brands LA Bowl hosted by Gronk
Real bowl Fake dish

Great American Waffle Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Avacados from Mexico Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

GoBowling.com Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Famous Toastery Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Guaranteed Rate Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Three of those 10 are fakes.

The Wasabi Bowl isn’t a real thing. It’s actually the Wasabi Fenway Bowl. When you use the full name, it makes perfect sense. Same with the GoBowling.com Bowl — it’s actually the Military Bowl presented by GoBowling.com. Big difference there.

And the Great American Waffle Bowl was made up by AI. Honestly, it’s the most realistic sounding one on that list.

 
Cowboys S Juanyeh Thomas has been used sparingly in his first two years in the league, appearing mostly on special teams. And yet the Dallas front office has been high on the young player, calling him a key morale figure for the team’s culture. What do they see that the rest of us are missing? Just look at the letters in his name for the obvious answer:

Safety Juanyeh Thomas
** Ye fat humans hate joys

Insulting enemy fan bases? That’s standard trash talk. Insulting all of humanity? Only a true Cowboy can do that.

** Thanks to the Colts overtime victory, Dad dropped both of the picks we had different this week. I’m now up 13 with 13 weeks of football finished. Can Dad still come back? Sure. Can the Patriots still make the playoffs? Technically, yes. Are either of these likely scenarios? Well, we know New England can still cheat its way back into contention. Dad might have a tougher time.

** Delaware got annihilated by Montana in the second round of the FCS playoffs on Saturday, so college football is officially over for the year. Thanks for following along, you can stop now.

** WR DeSean Jackson retired as an Eagle this week and the craziest stat to come out of his departure was this: The speedy wideout during his career caught TD passes from Philly QBs Donovan McNabb, Kevin Kolb, Mike Vick, Nick Foles, Carson Wentz and Jalen Hurts. That seems impossible, since the McNabb years feel like more than five decades ago.



Week 13 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1620.18 pts
2 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1616.52 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1590.60 pts
4 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1585.26 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 1502.01 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1485.22 pts
7 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1467.27 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1406.61 pts
9 — Electric Sheep (Paul), 1370.37 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1284.68 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 1273.40 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1213.12 pts

With just five weeks left in the season, the top three spots in the Awesome Cup standings continue to be a game of musical chairs. Jonathan grabs the throne for now, but his lead is less than four points. A brutal week for Dad (85.24 pts, last place on the week) drops him back to third place, but he and Mom D both sit less than 40 points behind first.

Mike and I continue in vain to try and claw our way back into the upper echelon. Paul’s android dreams may be slowly dying. And at Jeff’s current scoring pace, he could catch Jonathan if Jonathan benches all his players for the rest of the season.

This week marks the final week of byes for the season, and if you’re relying heavily on Maryland or Arizona players, you’re already in deep trouble. But get your roster sorted out anyway.