I appreciate everyone coming back for what is sure to be a delightful, stress-free season of enjoying fantasy football and real-life Eagles games (oh dear gawd, this team has both Joe Flacco and Gardner Minshew, what have we done to deserve this?). A lot of the world is still covered in pandemic uncertainty, so please take a minute to review our safety precautions from last year. And in case you’ve forgotten, here’s how we’ve picked the season draft order for the last 12 years.
And the Fort Awesome children are back again to help, determined to tank my draft status and help Grandmom as much as possible. The good news is we have special guest avatars this year to stand in for everyone — real life celebrity (product) representatives are here to bring some needed star power to this event. Consider this the league’s very own red carpet, although the floor in here is off-white, so you’ll have to use your imagination.
Everyone’s masks are on, the names of our top four finishers from 2019 go into the Eagles helmet and our first loser to be selected is …
Pick #12 — The mystery coach
Oh, I should have mentioned — we’re back to 12 teams in the league this year. Surprise! Heidi did petition the league for reinstatement, but her 10-year ban for performance-enhancing drugs still has not completed yet. But I did have another coach who reached out with great interest in playing this year, believing he/she deserves to hold the Awesome Cup in its 20th year (also known as “Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time,” in case that wasn’t clear.)
For now, our new coach has asked to remain anonymous, as revealing personal details may disrupt the new team’s draft strategy. Newbies always pick last in the draft, so our mystery player’s proxy for the draft, a Jake Gyllenhaal Mysterio Action figure, nods silently as the draft spot is announced.
For now, our new coach has asked to remain anonymous, as revealing personal details may disrupt the new team’s draft strategy. Newbies always pick last in the draft, so our mystery player’s proxy for the draft, a Jake Gyllenhaal Mysterio Action figure, nods silently as the draft spot is announced.
And with that, we go back to our normal draft pageantry, and the first name out of the helmet is …
Pick #11 — Jeff
Ooooh, tough break for last year’s fourth place finisher, who ends up with the worst pick possible. The Blue Collar Killers’ representative at the draft, a Mike Rowe Dirty Jobs T-shirt, somehow gets even dirtier in anger. But it’s good news for the Fort Awesome children, who haven’t screwed over their mother or father yet.
Here comes their next chance …
Pick #10 — Mike
Last year’s Awesome Cup champion moves up one spot to pick 10th in this year’s extravaganza. It should be noted that Mike picked 11th out of 11 last year, so the sting of getting a later first-round pick means nothing to him. His representative, Cam Newton, nods in approval. Yeah, it’s the real Cam Newton. It’s not like he has anything else to do right now.
The next name out of the hat is...
Pick #9 — Jo
Both children cower in fear, worried about Mom’s reaction to getting picked so early, but then they realize that she barely tolerates this nonsense and relax. Her draft proxy, a charcoal sketch of Nick Foles as a Catholic saint, curses wildly at the injustice. Joanna briefly asks why she needs a proxy if she’s here, but her concerns are quickly overruled.
The children get back to work and select …
Pick #8 — Capt. Awesome
Eh, I guess I won’t make them sleep outside. I was hoping to slip up into the top five, but considering my second-place finish last year, this is about as good as I could have hoped for. My representative, a vintage #20 Brian Dawkins jersey, reminds me not to let my draft slot affect me too much, because these games are won with skill and heart, not blind draft luck. And that’s the kind of attitude you’ll need if you want to win the Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time.
Next name out of the helmet is …
Pick #7 — Bob
The children get excited at maybe helping Bob out, but grow weary as I explain to them how the mid-round picks are difficult given the long wait between picks and the likelihood of player runs leaving middling talent available. However, Bob’s stand-in for the event, a Cary Grant/Katherine Hepburn baseball card from The Philadelphia Story, sits in awed silence at my analysis. The respect leaves me feeling like a human being.
The next victim of this cracked draft process is …
Pick #6 — Mom D
The children are now crestfallen, convinced that their paper-picking skills may have ruined grandmom’s entire football season. Grandmom is here to witness the carnage and assure them it’s fine, but her proxy, a wand used by Helena Bonham Carter in the Harry Potter movies, considers several unforgivable curses to use against the small ones. Joanna briefly asks why grandmom needs a proxy if she’s already here, but her concerns are quickly overruled.
Another name comes out, and it’s bad news for...
Another name comes out, and it’s bad news for...
Pick #5 — Sam
Sam had lobbied for Cam Newton to be here to stand in for him at the draft order announcement, but our policy of “not letting New England fans get anything they want” resulted in his request getting blocked. Instead, his actual representative, an authentic Ryan Reynolds poster from the movie Free Guy, looks quizzically around the room, searching for some semblance of meaning in all of this.
The last name goes in the helmet, and we’re down to our final four names. First one out is…
Pick #4 — Joel
I assume the children have something against Ohio, because they really jobbed both Joel and Jeff, and the only thing they know about them is that we used to hang out with them in Ohio. Joel finished last in 2020 but gets the worst possible draft pick possible (which is still top four, so, whatever). His proxy, a life-sized Joel Embiid wall decal, glares down from above.
Congrats to our top three, which includes…
Pick #3 — Ant
Anthony’s stand-in, a set of bed sheets with Seth McFarlane’s face on them, immediately uses the pick to select RB LaDanian Tomlinson, once again reminding us all that this league was started simply to keep Anthony from losing actual money on sports gambling.
The children now realize there are only two names left, and Pop is one of them, and if he gets the top pick, Christmas is probably going to be spectacular this year. If they can just avoid selecting his name from the last two…
The children now realize there are only two names left, and Pop is one of them, and if he gets the top pick, Christmas is probably going to be spectacular this year. If they can just avoid selecting his name from the last two…
Pick #2 — Pop
Pop will probably still be pretty thrilled, picking second in a draft that has three clear top players. His proxy, a copy of Dan Marino’s autobiography “My Life in Football,” looks smugly across the room as if waiting for a compliment. None is given.
Just one name left in the hat, so congratulations go to…
Pick #1 — Paul
Paul’s representative here at the draft, a $400 Philadelphia Union match-worn jersey autographed by Kacper Przybylko, begins screaming “GOAAAAAALLLL” to illustrate both the excitement of the moment and Paul’s confusion over which kind of football we’re talking about here. Regardless, he gets the privilege of picking first, a solid start for his squad this year. The children ask if they are dismissed, so I send them outside to sleep on the lawn after reconsidering my earlier leniency.
There you have it, folks. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime on Saturday (Sept. 4), so get your affairs in order. There are a mess of players unlikely to suit up this year on the pre-draft lists — Cam Akers, JK Dobbins, Cam Newton, the entire Philadelphia Eagles defense — so be sure to exclude them along with all the Cowboys.
There you have it, folks. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime on Saturday (Sept. 4), so get your affairs in order. There are a mess of players unlikely to suit up this year on the pre-draft lists — Cam Akers, JK Dobbins, Cam Newton, the entire Philadelphia Eagles defense — so be sure to exclude them along with all the Cowboys.
Remember that if you do have Dallas players on your roster and win, you’ll be tainting the everything that the “Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” stands for.
