Fantasy League 2022 -- week 16 recap

A look at some of the most festive names in NFL history:

** QB Bob Holly — 1983-1985, Washington, Atlanta
Fun fact: Only attempted 40 passes in his career, none after Thanksgiving.

** DT Jared Clauss — 2004-2005, Titans
Fun fact: He was 0-2 with two tackles in Christmas/Christmas Eve games.

** QB Wayne Gift — 1937, Cleveland Rams
Fun fact: Only won one time in his 10-game career, against the Philadelphia Eagles.

** DT Johnny Jolly — 2006-2013, Green Bay
Fun fact: Had too much “egg nog” in 2009 and was suspended three years for violating the league’s substance abuse policy.

** CB Darius Sleigh … err, Slay — 2013-present, Lions, Eagles
Fun fact: Born on New Year’s Day.

** DT Demarcus Christmas — 2019-2021, Seahawks, Steelers
Fun fact: Still waiting for his Christmas miracle — he got injured in training camp twice and never played a game.

QB: Dak Prescott, 33.98 pts — started by Ant
WR: CeeDee Lamb, 25.00 pts — started by Mike
RB: Cam Akers, 32.73 pts — on Mike’s bench
TE: T.J. Hockenson, 25.77 pts — started by Bob
K: Matt Gay, 19.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
DEF: Rams, 22.00 pts — on the waiver wire
D: Marcus Jones, 19.52 pts — on the wire

A couple of Cowboys on that list. Ugh.

Also three Rams on that list, which is what happens when you win 51-14 on Christmas Day against the truly pathetic Broncos. The defending Super Bowl champs had scored 52 points total in their previous three games, and had only topped 28 points one other time this season.

But Akers may be the most inexplicable top performer. He left the team for three games earlier this season and was on the trade block after that, but no other teams were interested. He came into the game averaging 37 yards a contest and with 4 TDs in 12 games. On Sunday, he had 118 yds and 3 TDs. Akers absolutely won a fantasy playoff game for some undeserving teams.

“Worst of the worst” edition

2nd place: (tie) Nathan Peterman, -1.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Maryland Commies, -1.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
1st place: (tie) Detroit, -6.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Denver, -6.00 pts — started by Sam

It’s hard work getting to -6 pts (the lowest a defense can score in this league) but we had two different teams put in the effort to bottom out this week. Denver actually only gave up 45 pts on defense in that Rams game (the other points came off an interception returned for a TD) while the Lions gave up 37. Neither team recorded a turnover or sack. Both teams should have gotten extra coal in their stockings.

Shout out to Peterman, the worst of the five QBs who finished with negative pts this week (including Nick Foles, ouch). Four of them appeared only in mop up time, but the Peterman, the Bears backup,  managed to use his time the least effectively, throwing for 25 yds and an interception in the Bears big loss to the Bills.


** Headline on Sport Illustrated Saturday evening: “FOX’s Jay Glazer Drops ‘Bombshell’ Zach Wilson Report”

The revelation? “”Glazer said on the FOX Christmas Eve broadcast that the Jets have ‘lost all confidence’ in Wilson.”

Really. What a bombshell. Wilson got benched in the middle of a 19-3 Thursday night loss, the third time this season he has lost the starting job, and you saw on TV that another TV pundit thinks the team has lost confidence in him. Truly an unthinkable surprise.

Hold your breath for the Pultizer on that one.

** The NFL has had “Slime Time” games every Sunday on Nickelodeon in an effort to try and make the game more appealing to kids, and that’s fine. But that Rams/Broncos game was “Slime Time: Kickmas” and that’s where I have to draw the line.

** Headline on ESPN Sunday morning: “Late-game gaffe dooms Pats for second week in a row.”

Last week, with the score tied at 24 and three seconds left in regulation, the Patriots offense began throwing laterals in an attempt to get a miracle score. One was picked off by a Raiders LB, and instead of overtime, New England lost in regulation.

This week, with a minute left and the Patriots trailing the Bengals by just four points, the team handed the ball off to RB Rhamondre Stevenson, who had the ball stripped by the defense on a tough play. Cincinnati recovered the fumble, and won the game.

That’s … not a gaffe. That’s a good defensive play. Or maybe a subpar offensive play. But the defense forcing a fumble isn’t the same as one of the most inexplicable plays in NFL history.
Next week’s headline: THIRD WEEK IN A ROW FOR A BONEHEAD MOVE BY THE PATS after they make the idiot move of allowing the other team to score more points than them.

Everybody likes an after-Christmas sale, but all deals are not created equal. Here are some of the worst discounted items on the NFL shop’s Eagles page:

** Eagles “nostalgia” tie ($22.49, down $2)
This is a tie with the Eagles letters logo, an Eagles eagle logo, and an Eagles helmet. It would be OK if you bought it as a gag gift for $5. For $20-plus, you need to be able to wear it sometimes.

** Eagles “salute to service” replica helmet ($132.99, down $77)
This is a faded brown-green helmet was never worn by an NFL player but still somehow costs as much as a new helmet. It doesn’t work as a display piece or a equipment replacement. But it is expensive.

** NFL Shield hat, blue ($18.99, down $9)
It’s just a hat with the NFL logo. This is clearly not an Eagles item. Get it off the Eagles page.

** Eagles Dooney & Bourke satchel ($242.99, down $27)
It’s a handbag with what looks like children’s stickers all over it. Even if you love the Eagles logo, it is legitimately hideous. And it’ll cost you almost as much as two crappy fake service helmets.

** Eagles “all-star” bikini bottom ($26.99, down $3)
No. And why? And no.

** Eagles red, white and blue shorts ($67.99, down $32)
These are not the Eagles colors, and this look like someone wore the American flag as a shirt and then had the dye bleed down onto their pants. I really wonder if the NFL is trying to make me hate America.

Following the Cowboys “big” win over the backup Philadelphia Eagles this weekend, the Dallas faithful are predicting impressive things to come for their team (despite no wins by more than one score in the last month). One of the most vocal has been WR James Washington, relegated to mostly special teams this year, but among the team leaders in bragging. Of course, that comes as no surprise if you carefully break down his name:

Cowboys wideout James Washington
** Awed wins coming? You jest, showboat

I think the Cowboys have only had one win that awed me this whole season, and that was against the Vikings, who have underwhelmed me each week.

** I went 3-2 against Dad this week in our picks, so that puts me up 8 for the season with two weeks left to go. That’s sorta like the Cardinals on Christmas being up 10 points with just eight minutes left in the fourth quarter. Tampa Bay ended up winning that game by three in overtime. Hopefully I fare better…

** I told you that Christmas and Christmas Eve games stink.

** OK the Eagles have two division losses and their QB is hurt and now Lane Johnson is out multiple games but I’m sure everything is fine, just fine.

Week 16 standings

Awesome Cup standings

1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 2,132.78 pts
2 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1,913.25 pts
3— JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 1,907.15 pts
4 — Champ For Life (Jo), 1,901.12 pts
5 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 1,793.27 pts
6 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 1,761.51 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,753.38 pts
8 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1,598.66 pts
9 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,576.87 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1,547.31 pts
11 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 1,536.34 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 1,412.07 pts

I’ll be honest — I think standings are right. I put them together right at the end of the fourth quarter of the Monday night game, and watching it was so rough my mind turned to mush. 

The boy has officially claimed second place from me, and will be sleeping on the porch for the rest of the week. Jo and I are now in a battle for third place, and first chance to ground Jonathan if he continues to push us down the rankings.

A huge week from Mike vaults him into 8th and right on the edge of respectability, but the race for 9th place remains tight. And Paul remains dead.

But with two weeks left, Mom D’s juggernaut team remains the big story. She now more than a 200-point lead over second, and is almost in the area where she could bench her entire team the last two weeks and still win. It’s not a great strategy, but if she wants to try it, I’m up for the experiment.

Stupid Dallas plays on stupid Thursday, and then everybody else plays on New Year’s Day. So set your roster early, because you’ll want to sleep late after staying up past midnight.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 15 recap

Twas the week before Christmas
And all through Eagle land
Lots of fans were a-stressing
With the playoffs at hand.

A spot for post-season
Was snug and secure
And the Cowboys game last week
Still looks like manure.

When from the practice field
There arose such a clatter
Because the injury report had
A player who really matters

A surprise shoulder problem
For the M-V-QB.
Just how bad it is
We’ll now wait and see.

Is he now out?
Or will he still play?
Can he get to Dallas in
A one -horse open sleigh?

Hurts’ hurt hurts the chances
Of a first-round bye.
And if his arm is a real mess
It’s about time to cry.

The situation is fraught.
“He’ll be back when?”
It’s then that I realized
We’re doing this again.

It’s five years since we lost
A QB in late season
I even rewrote this poem
For the exact same reason

And remember that year?
And what it did bring?
The playoffs, Philly special,
And a Super Bowl ring.

So this time we turn
To a different St. Nick
Sirianni has to game plan
And do it right quick.

His run plays are shaky.
His fourth downs are scary.
But so far, it’s all worked
Although sometimes just barely

More rapid than coursers
His Eagles will fly
As the fans rally behind
This odd Mishnew guy.

So bring on the Cowboys
The Giants and Saints
Bring on the postseason
New St. Nick might be great.

We may hear him exclaim
As they fight, Eagles, fight
“We still got AJ Brown
So we’ll be all right.”

QB: Josh Allen, 43.86 pts — started by Dad
WR: Zay Jones, 28.27 pts — on the wire
RB: Jerick McKinnon, 27.87 pts — started by Ant
TE: George Kittle, 20.20 pts — started by Mom D
K: Chase McLaughlin, 21.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Indianapolis, 21.00 pts — on Jeff’s bench
D: Kayvon Thibodeaux, 16.50 pts — on the wire

Don’t look now, but over the last four weeks Zay Jones (who you never heard of until 12 second ago) has been the sixth best wideout in all of fantasy football. The five-year veteran and #3 receiver for Jacksonville is having the best season of his career, and almost half of his receiving yards have come in the last month (347). His three touchdowns on Sunday in the Jags big win over the Cowboys were what really put him over the top, however. I wonder if Eagles #3 wideout Quez Watkins was taking any notes…

For what it’s worth, Rames WR Cooper Kupp is still the 10th best fantasy receiver in all of football and he has been on injured reserve for the last 33 days.


“Jalen Reagor” edition

2nd place: (tie) Velus Jones Jr., -0.24 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Jalen Reagor, -0.24 pts — on the wire
1st place: David Johnson, -0.80 pts — on the wire

Oh, poor Jalen. The former #1 pick by the Eagles who earlier this year said he thought he was treated unfairly when the team jettisoned him for a late-round pick had a stat line of two targets, zero catches and a fumble on a punt return in Saturday’s Vikings win. On the season, he has amassed 87 yds receiving and one TD in 14 games, which is 57 yds fewer than Eagles 4th-string WR Zach Pascal, who wasn’t drafted at all. But, yeah, the problem was the Philly coaching staff.

FYI, that is RB David Johnson, the former Cardinals all-star who is now a backup on the Saints. As recently as two years ago he had 691 rushing yds in a season with the Texans. So far this year, he has 8 rushing yds and a fumble in two games in New Orleans. Might be time to pack it up.


** At halftime of the Bills/Dolphins game, the NFL Network studio crew was asked what the difference in the 21-13 game was. Former injured RB Maurice Jones-Drew offered this calculated insight:

“To me, the issue is efficiency. The Bills have scored three touchdowns. The Dolphins have a touchdown and two field goals. I think that’s the difference in the game.”

I think that was the difference in the game too … because I looked at the scoreboard. Took me about 3 seconds to discern that and zero words. But Maurice did a solid job stretching that into 30 words and nearly a minute of meaningless nonsense.

** Speaking of the Bills game, the studio crew joked at halftime that they were offering their commentary while avoiding snowballs from the fans, which had been raining down on the field for much of the first half. Several hit Dolphins players in the end zone, as well as referees. Given the potential safety issues involved, NFL referee Bill Vinovich stepped in and made this announcement:

"Please stop throwing snowballs. If a snowball hits someone, it'll be a 15-yard penalty against Buffalo."

Please. Never mind that New York fans 30 years ago nearly killed a Chargers coach with snowballs. “We’re asking you nicely, because we know you’re such good fans.”

It didn’t stop the snowballs, but it did stop all mention of them from the announcing crew and reporters covering the game. You know, the same folks who still call Philly fans the scum of the earth for throwing some snowballs at a game 50-plus years ago.

** I know it’s off topic, but Sirius XM has a holiday station named Holly where they play “modern holiday hits” and right after they said that this weekend they played Elvis Presely’s “Blue Christmas” which was recorded in 1957 which was 10 years before the first Super Bowl was played and I don’t think they have any idea what the word “modern” means.

Proposed name changes for the Indianapolis Colts, after they blew a 33-0 halftime lead and lost to the Vikings 36-39:

** Indianapolis Chokes
** Indianapolis Dopes
** Indianapolis “How were we better with Carson Wentz?”-es
** Indianapolis Dolts
** Indianapolis Jokes
** Indianapolis “But seriously Matt Ryan is just bad luck”-es
** India-nope-olis Colts
** Indianapolis Revolts
** Losers


Jalen Hurts or no Jalen Hurts, the Eagles will play the Cowboys on Dec. 24. It’s the fifth time in the last 20 years the Eagles have played on Christmas or Christmas Eve (all of them away games) and the third time they’ve played the Cowboys on the holidays (2-0 in the previous meetings). That winning road record may come as a surprise to some, but not if you just carefully look at what we’re talking about here:

Christmas Eve game in Dallas
** Ach! Eagles smite damn rivals

I know it’s not great to curse on such a holy day, but in this case it seems warranted.

** Dad and I split the four games we picked different this week. Of course, one of them was the Patriots/Raiders game, and had I known that the entire New England team had failed their IQ tests before the game, I could have picked up a point.

** So, this is definitely gonna sound like another made-up quip, but a story I wrote got picked up and followed by ESPN last week. And that’s really, really odd.



Week 15 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

#1 seed — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 10-5/1911.44 pts
#2 seed — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 9-6/1994.70 pts
#3 seed — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 9-6/1845.16 pts
#4 seed — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 9-6/1787.90 pts
5 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome) 8-7/1933.94 pts
6 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 7-8/1859.48 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 6-9/1828.90 pts
8— America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 2-13/1236.18 pts

Well, Dad’s cheating successfully screwed me out of a playoff spot. If he hadn’t intentionally benched a player in the Monday night game last week so Mom could win, she would have finished fifth and we could have had an actual fair postseason. But, as it stands, the whole thing is messed up.

Good luck to the teams that deserve to be there. I’m done recapping the league for the year, because it’s not fun when people cheat.

Awesome Cup Standings

1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1978.34 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 1818.88 pts
3 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1815.68 pts
4 — Champ For Life (Jo), 1807.59 pts
5 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 1690.36 pts
6 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 1652.16 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1641.85 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1504.94 pts
9 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 1478.11 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1452.76 pts
11 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1440.40 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 1323.12 pts

Mom D’s lead is nearly insurmountable now — even if I outscore her by 50 pts each of the next three weeks, it still won’t be enough to catch up.

And there’s no guarantee that I can even hold onto the second-place spot. Both Jonathan and Jo are close behind, which should create some fun fights at dinner over the next week. There’s another good fight brewing in the 8-9-10-11 spots, with the pride of at least finishing in single digits at stake. And, sadly, Paul’s team remains dead.

It’s nonsense time again in the NFL this week, with 11 games on Saturday and only three on Sunday (and another on Thursday, and another on Monday, because). So get your affairs settled on Christmas Eve eve, because you’re gonna need the time to wrap presents once the games start.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 14 recap

Nearly two years ago, in the 2020 season finale, the Eagles lost to the Maryland Football team, giving them the division title despite a 7-9 record. It was clear the Philadelphia coaching staff threw the game to improve the team’s draft position, a move that incensed players on the New Jersey Giants, who vowed “revenge” for the team not playing hard to the end (and potentially giving the 6-10 Giants a chance to win the division). And since then it has been an all-out assault on the Eagles from the team from their neighboring state. Here’s a look at the scorched earth campaign so far:

** A few months later, the Giants traded one pick ahead of the Eagles in the 2020 draft to grab Heisman trophy winner WR DeVonta Smith to spark their offense. That move left the wide-receiver needy Eagles without a reliable pass catcher and … oh, no, sorry, the Eagles did that to the Giants. And the Giants two years later still have no good wideouts. My mistake.

** The Giants beat the Eagles 13-7 in their next matchup, a game which snapped a two-game winning streak and left the 5-7 birds with no chance to make the playoffs … until they dominated the Giants in a 34-10 win a few weeks later on their way to the postseason.

** On Sunday, the Giants called two late timeouts in order to set up a final touchdown drive that culminated in a dramatic two-point conversion which left the team … only down 26 on the final scoreboard, 48-22.

Can’t wait to see what the final game of the season will bring, and if the Giants can keep up this brutal assault on a franchise they hate so much.

QB: Trevor Lawrence, 39.42 pts — on Paul’s bench
WR: Jerry Jeudy, 26.87 pts — started by Jo
RB: Miles Sanders, 27.63 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Evan Engram, 28.30 pts — on Paul’s bench
K: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: (tie) Kansas City, 13.00 pts — started by Jonathan
DEF: (tie) Buffalo, 13.00 pts — started by Dad
DEF: (tie) New Jersey Jets, 13.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
D: Willie Gay, 11.00 pts — on the wire

Pretty sure having two Jaguars in the top performers list is a sign of the apocalypse, but not to worry — they were both safely stored on Paul’s bench this week. In fact, Paul left 68.27 pts on his bench … or just 18 fantasy pts fewer than what his starters scored this week. So, that’s not great.

Engram had 11 catches for 162 yds and two TDs on Sunday, nearly doubling his receiving yds and fantasy output for the year (he had just 203 yds and 32.93 pts in his previous 12 games combined). Lawrence just edged out Jalen Hurts atop the QB list, throwing for three TDs and 368 yds and rushing for one more. He’s actually the 10th best fantasy QB on the season, with a higher point total than Tua Tagovailoa, Aaron Rogers, Kirk Cousins and Tom Brady. And yet, the Jags are still a very, very bad football team.

Congrats to Eagles RB Miles Sanders on topping 1,000 rushing yds this season (and not needing all 17 games to do it). The last Eagles RB to hit that plateau? LeSean McCoy in 2014, when Sanders was still in high school (and not even a senior).

“Bottom barrel defenses” edition

3rd place: Minnesota, -3.00 pts — started by Mike
2nd place: Tampa Bay, -4.00 pts — started by Paul
1st place: Tennessee, -6.00 pts — started by me

Yep. One week after pulling off the defensive move of the year, I started the worst defense in the league and secured the lowest score possible for the position. Tennessee gave up 36 pts to the Jaguars in what was an important AFC South matchup, and showed no signs of life whatsoever.

Shout out to Jets QB Joe Flacco, who just barely missed this list. He completed one pass for one yard and lost a fumble in his only game action on Sunday. And he still might get the start next week over Zach Wilson, because Wilson is even worse.


** Alert on the crawl of MLB network on Wednesday evening: BREAKING NEWS — P Justin Verlander, Mets reach two year deal.

That’s Wednesday evening … 55 hours after the deal was made public. 

I know “breaking news” has no meaning whatsoever anymore, but when you’re more than two days after a piece of news is known to everyone, it’s not “breaking” anymore. Heck, it’s barely news either. It’s just recent facts.

** ESPN’s Football Power Index — “a measure of team strength that is meant to be the best predictor of a team's performance going forward for the rest of the season” — has the Eagles chances of winning the NFC East at 86.6 percent, their chances of making the Super Bowl at 41.1 percent, and their chances of winning a championship at 21.3 percent.

The index has the Cowboys with a 13.4 percent chance of winning the NFC East, a 38 percent chance of making the Super Bowl, and a 22.5 percent chance of winning a championship.

So Dallas is less likely to win the division or the NFC championship game than the Eagles, but more likely than the Eagles to win the Super Bowl. Got it. Makes perfect sense. 

The index also projects the Maryland Commies to go 9-7, which I guess means they’ll forfeit their 17th game and just go into the playoffs anyways.

** During Sunday night’s Chargers/Dolphins game, in the second quarter, Miami RB Jeff Wilson had the ball stripped from him by the San Diego defense. In the ensuing scrum, the fumble bounced around among multiple players on the ground, until it squirted out into the hands of Dolphins WR Tyreek Hill … who promptly ran downfield 57 yards with it for a TD.

NBC commentator Cris Colinsworth called it “unlike anything I’ve ever seen before.” SB Nation said the play was “as bizarre as the NFL gets.” CBS Sports Tyler Sullivan wrote that “just when you think you've seen it all, the NFL gives you another play that simply leaves your jaw on the floor.”

Folks, it was a fumble recovery for a TD. It’s an exciting play that happens just about every other week. Usually it’s the defense returning the ball for a score, but it happens on offense every few years. Eagles WR Freddie Mitchell did it back in 2004 in much more exciting fashion.

I’m not saying it’s a boring play. I’m just saying that on the same day where a guy caught a football with his knees, maybe it’s not the most mind-blowing play ever.

Here are a few of the most confusing players on NFL.com’s official 2023 Pro Bowl ballot:

** Rams QB John Wolford — The NFL likes to put a representative from every team on the list, but why they picked Wolford (two starts, 390 yds passing, 1TD/3INT) over injured Matt Stafford (nine starts, 2,087 yds, 10TD/8INT). Are they worried Stafford may have gotten voted in and been unable to play? Because I don’t think the 20th best QB in the league was really a threat there…

** Vikings RB Alexander Mattison — Mattison isn’t even the best player on his own team (hello, Dalvin Cook), much less one of the best in the league. His 251 yards this season are 1,000 behind the sixth place RB in the NFL this year (Austin Ekeler, 1,257 yds) and he’s tied for 25th in TDs at the position. Other than that, though, he’s elite.

** TE Taysom Hill — Hill is not a tight end, as we have discussed multiple times. If we’re including him, then I’m voting for Jalen Hurts as the best TE in the league.

** Twelve different fullbacks — 49ers FB Kyle Juszczyk is on this list, and he’s the only real fullback still playing in the NFL. And it’s debatable whether he really qualifies, since he’s just sort of another halfback. So why do we still have this position listed on here? Should we vote on the best “wingback” as well?

** Eagles WR A.J. Brown — Brown should not be eligible to be considered among the best wideouts in the league because the rest of the competition are mere mortals, and he is a football god. Including him sets an unrealistic standard for the rest of the group.

When the Dallas front office evaluates rookies, they look for all the things you’d expect: a hatred of all mankind, an understanding of ways to cheat on the football field, a general distaste for all things good and pure. But it takes a special something to get a player selected. And in the case of offensive lineman Matt Waletzko, that uniqueness just sang out to the scouts, obvious in the letters in his name:

Cowboys rookie LT Matt Waletzko
** Cooker kit: My bowels toot a waltz

I’m not exactly sure who would want to dance to the sound of farts, but if I had to guess, it would be members of the Cowboys team.

** I went 2-1 against Dad this week, leaving him seven down with just four weeks of football left on the schedule. The good news for him is that this year has been so screwy, there’s a chance I may pick every game wrong next week. The bad news is he still likes to pick the Jets and the Cardinals…

** If the Eagles win their next two games, they clinch the NFC East and a first-round bye. They’d finish at worst 14-3. The best Dallas could finish would be 13-4, and the Vikings (over whom the Eagles have a tiebreaker) could be no better than 14-3.

On the other hand, there’s still a scenario where the Eagles finish 14-3 and end up with the #5 seed in the playoffs. Because football.

** I feel like there were some really funny punter jokes to be had following that Eagles/Giants game but with Arryn Siposs getting hurt, we’ll hold them for another day out of respect.


Week 14 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 10-4/1808.74 pts
2 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 8-6/1840.70 pts
3 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 8-6/1824.92 pts
4 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 8-6/1709.26 pts
5 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 8-6/1650.96 pts
6 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 7-7/1725.90 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 5-9/1691.14 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 2-12/1142.34 pts

We have two important firsts in league history today. Eileen earned the first ever playoff berth in league history with her victory this week. At 10-4, she’s also guaranteed the #1 seed heading into the playoffs, and will square off against the still-to-be-decided #4 seed in week 16.

The three teams that join her will be decided after next week. Five teams are still in play for the final playoff spots. For Carl, he needs a big win and help. Me, Jim and Uncle Jim are all all-but assured a postseason invite with victories. And then there is Mom.

By all rights, Mom’s season should be just about finished. She has the lowest point total of any team outside the Losers but still carries with her a 8-6 record and sits in fifth place. If she had lost to Dad last week, she’d be at 7-7 with no real shot at the playoffs. But miraculously, leading by only a few points with the Monday game left, Dad decided to bench RB James Connor, who scored 20-plus points, in favor RB David Montgomery, who was on a bye. Maybe it was a clerical error? Maybe there was a glitch? But most likely it was match fixing, which is punishable by the loss of draft picks next year.

The move has huge implications, with Mom scheduled to play the Losers in the regular season finale, giving her an easy path to nine wins. There’s a pretty credible scenario where the second-lowest scoring team gets into the postseason and the highest scoring team misses out as a result of the cheating. An investigation has been launched to get to the bottom of this. The results will determine if Dad forfeits a second-round pick next year or merely a third-rounder. 

Awesome Cup standings

1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1842.50 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 1728.09 pts
3 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1707.19 pts
4 — Champ For Life (Jo), 1686.39 pts
5 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 1576.03 pts
6 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 1540.91 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1525.78 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1424.42 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1367.69 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1363.88 pts
11 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 1357.67 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 1219.21 pts

Mom D has opened a 114-point lead over second place, but that’s not the story this week. It’s the battle for second, where another bad week from me (not having a QB will do that to you) and another giant week from Jonathan has thrown the silver-medal podium spot into contention. He passed last year’s reigning Awesome Cup champion this week, giving our house a very contentious battle for the 2-3-4 spots. The winner may have to sleep on the back porch if they aren’t careful.

Dad has another good week too, but he may have cheated, so no props there. Everyone from the #6 spot down will need a miracle over the last month of the season to make a move up the leaderboard. Paul, 623 points out of first place, remains dead.

The good news for fantasy this week is that the byes are finally all finished. The bad news is that the NFL has games on Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday, so good luck trying to keep track of which players are hurt and which depth charts are set. Get your rosters set early to be on the safe side.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 13 recap

The start of December marks the start of college football bowl season, an inspiring tradition that has brought us timeless classics such as the Beef O’Brady Bowl and the Dukes Mayo Bowl. Yet the NFL still clings to its old ways of assigning playoff games based on merit instead of the whims of executives, depriving fans of the matchups they truly deserve. Here’s a look at what the NFL could be giving us in coming weeks if they switched to a bowl system:

The Depends Undergarments Bowl — Tampa Bay vs. Seattle
Buccaneers QB Tom Brady celebrated his 45th birthday in August and has played like an old man for most of the year. Meanwhile, did you know Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll is 70? If those two shake hands in the postgame, who is more likely to sustain a back injury?

The America Bowl — New England vs. Maryland
This has the potential to be a decent game, but the refs ultimately will make sure Bill Belichick’s team gets enough calls to win just so that lead sponsor FOX News can run the headline “Patriots beat the Commies” the next day.

The New Jersey Board of Tourism Bowl — New Jersey vs. New Jersey
The Jets and Giants square off to decide once and for all who is the best team in the Garden State. The winner will be permitted to finally drop their fictitious “New York” label and wear the name of their actual home state proudly on their uniforms.

The Cheeze-It Bowl — Cincinnati vs. Jacksonville
This is an actual college bowl game and honestly they could replace Oklahoma and Florida State with these two pro teams without anyone noticing.

The real Super Bowl — Buffalo vs. Dallas
The NFL beat writers insist that the Bills are the best team in the league, no matter how many games they lose. And the Cowboys have shown over the last 25 years that the only way for them to get into the championship game would be for a selection team to place them there, since they can’t win in the playoffs.

QB: Jalen Hurts, 40.40 pts — started by Mom D
WR: Davante Adams, 27.80 pts — stated by Jeff
RB: Tony Pollard, 23.10 pts — started by Ant
TE: Noah Fant, 10.80 pts — on the wire
K: Greg Zuerlein, 19.00 pts — started by Jo
DEF: Cleveland, 31.00 pts — started by me
D: Tony Fields II, 14.00 pts — on the wire

Remember, Taysom Hill is a QB and not a TE, so it doesn’t matter if he is listed as the top scorer at that position for the week.

Let’s talk about the Cleveland defense for a moment. Remember all the way back to last week, when I wrote this?

“Through 11 games, the Cleveland Browns defense — predicted to be among the best in the league in the pre-season — has amassed an amazing 35.00 fantasy pts… So why did I pick them up this week? Good question.”

You have your answer now, folks. Cleveland, the worst fantasy defense in football, has the best day of any team so far this year, recording two interceptions, two fumble recoveries, two defensive TDs and a punt return TD. They nearly doubled their points for the season on Sunday. And I called it a week ago. I’ll accept any compliments you’d like to deliver in the comments.

Jalen Hurts leads all fantasy scorers for the second time this season. Last week he rushed and passed for more than 300 yds combined. This year, he did almost all of it through the air — 380 passing yds and three TDs (and another one rushing, just for good measure). He’s tied for 6th among all players in rushing TDs this season (with 8, the same as Miles Sanders) and tied for 9th in passing TDs with 17. Not bad for a guy who supposedly isn’t good at his position.


“Grab bag” edition

3rd place: James Proche II, -0.40 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Mo Alie-Cox, -1.10 pts — on the wire
1st place: Skylar Thompson, -2.00 pts — on the wire

Second week in a row on this list for Thompson, who is so nondescript that I bet you can’t remember who he plays for. The Denver backup QB played in mop-up duty on Sunday and threw an interception in his only pass attempt. Tough break for him. Even tougher is the fact that I could call him the Detroit backup QB and you wouldn’t bat an eye, even though he plays for Jacksonville. Seriously, no one has ever heard of this guy.

Just missing this list, in fourth place: Detroit backup QB Nate Sudfeld. Remember him? The dude who played in the second half of the game the Eagles threw in the season finale that handed the division title to the then Maryland Racial slurs? The game that ultimately got Doug Pederson fired? That was TWO YEARS AGO. Not twenty. Two. It’s just mind boggling how much this team has changed in less than 24 months. But I’m glad to see Sudfeld is still collecting checks for playing poorly somewhere.


** In the second quarter of the Big 12 championship game on Saturday, TCU QB Max Duggan spotted a wide open receiver down the middle of the field, but his pass to the free wideout fell short as his arm was hit by a blitzing linebacker. Commentator Kirk Herbstreit noted that “if he has protection there, he makes that throw.

Well, yes. That’s pretty much every QB in organized football. If they don’t have any pressure and there is a guy wide open, they can throw the ball to them. If they can’t, the coaches don’t let them play QB.

Herbstreit later went on to explain that the RBs need to be able to hold onto the ball while they run, and that the team with the most points wins at the end.

** A few hours later, in FOURTH quarter of the SEC championship game, the Georgia Bulldogs scored a TD to take a 48-23 lead over the LSU Tigers. Then Georgia opted to go for 2, because the math told them that … being up by three TDs, three two-point conversions and a FG with less than 15 minutes left was safer than being up just three TDs, three two-point conversions and two more points with less than 15 minutes left.

So the Bulldogs used a modified Philly Special play, running a reverse then having a WR toss a pass to get the two points. Because going up 27 instead of 26 is exactly the time to pull out your trick plays. You’ve got them in the playbook to catch the defense off guard, and they’re never more off guard then when they’re down 25 points.

Georgia only won the game by 20 in the end, so thank goodness they got that extra point on the board. A 19-point victory would have been embarrassing.

** The Washington Post on Wednesday noted that going into week 13, all four teams in the NFC East were in line to make the postseason. “It’s the first time since the divisions were realigned in 2002 that all four teams were in playoff position, although that only became possible after a seventh playoff spot was added in 2020.”

So … it was the first time since 2020 then, because it wasn’t possible before that year. So two years. Not 20. Two.

If we’re just picking random dates, then this was the first time since the moon landing that all four teams were in playoff position. Or the first time since the death of Julius Caesar. Or the first time since the printing press was invented, allowing some sports pundits to throw ridiculous pseudo facts out there.

After the Buccaneers win over the Saints on Monday night, here is a not-unrealistic finish for all of the teams in the NFC South:

Tampa Bay loses its last five games to the 49ers, Bengals, Cardinals, Panthers and Falcons. They finish 6-11.

Atlanta loses to the Saints, Ravens and Cardinals but beat the Buccaneers. They finish 6-11.

Carolina loses to the Seahawks, Steelers and Lions, but beat the Saints and Buccaneers. They finish 6-11.

New Orleans loses to the Eagles and Panthers but beat the Falcons and the Browns. They finish 6-11.

If that all happens, the Panthers — who at one point this season were 2-7 — would win the four-way deadlock on tiebreakers (best NFC South record) with 0.353 win percentage and host a first-round professional football playoff game.

And then the skies would open up and the almighty would smite us all for allowing such an injustice to happen.

The Dallas front office selected Cornerback DaRon Bland with their fifth-round pick in last year’s draft after seeing in him good field vision and a strong work ethic.

Just kidding, he’s a bum like the rest of the team. It’s pretty obvious once you take a closer look at his name.

Cowboys CB DaRon Bland
** A crabby clown, odd snob.
** A bad bod, low-sync bronc.
** A scabby, blond con. Word.

Remember, you can’t spell “DaRon Bland” without “bland, no rad.”

** Dad and I went 1-1-1 in our different picks this week, which actually counts as 1-2, since a tie means neither one of us picked it right. That leaves Dad down six games with five weeks of football left. In our defense, though, the fact that we picked different sides of a tie game shows just how much of a toss up that contest was.

** With their win on Sunday, the Eagles are now 3-4 on Dec. 4 since 1976. Their next chance to get to .500 on my birth date in my lifetime likely won’t come until 2033, the next time Dec. 4 falls on a Sunday. However, the date does land on a Monday next year and again in 2028, so there’s a chance they can play before then. Either way, I’m guessing Jalen Hurts will not be the Eagles QB by the time 2033 rolls around.

** Congrats to G on scoring the highest of anyone on last week’s quiz. Second place goes to Mom. Third place is a tie between alllllll the rest of you who didn’t bother to fill it out…

** But for real, Skylar Thompson is the backup QB in Miami. Go ahead, look it up. I even said it last week. But none of us will remember his name five minutes from now. Dude is just forgettable.


Week 13 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 9-4/1702.64 pts
2 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 8-5/1695.04 pts
3 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Jimmy), 7-6/1701.62 pts
4 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 7-6/1625.44 pts
5 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Uncle Jim), 7-6/1577.60 pts
6 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 7-6/1539.38 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 5-8/1584.46 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 2-11/1053.38 pts

Two contests this week were decided by less than 1.5 pts, including Jimmy just barely beating our team of Cowboy losers (122.8 to 122.5). With two weeks left before the fantasy playoffs, no one has clinched a spot yet, and only Dak Prescott has been eliminated. But Eileen can punch her ticket to the postseason with a victory over that lowly losers squad this week, and a win over Jimmy for me would all but assure me the same.

Awesome Cup Standings

1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1711.75 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 1630.09 pts
3 — Champ For Life (Jo), 1566.54 pts
4 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1560.04 pts
5 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 1442.08 pts
6 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 1435.19 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1420.18 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1364.70 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1285.02 pts
10 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 1273.89 pts
11 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1268.74 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 1133.35 pts

A big week for Jonathan (146.94 pts) has him within 6.5 pts of third place, potentially knocking last year’s champ out of medal contention. Ant and Jeff also saw big moves this week to climb up the ladder. And Paul remains dead.

But the big story is mediocre weeks from Jo and me coupled with another 130-plus pts week from Mom D, which allowed her to open a 81-pts lead over second place and a ridiculous 145-pts lead over third. The gap just gets wider and wider, and unless Jalen Hurts slows down, there’s no sign that her team will fade soon.

Week 14 is the last week of team byes, so of course the NFL really stuck it to us with the long list late in the season: the Falcons, Bears, Packers, Colts, Saints and Commanders all have off. As a result, there are a measly three 4pm games on Sunday. Have fun watching the Bucs and 49ers, whether you like it or not. And get your rosters squared away early.