Twas the week before Christmas
And all through Eagle land
Lots of fans were a-stressing
With the playoffs at hand.
A spot for post-season
Was snug and secure
And the Cowboys game last week
Still looks like manure.
When from the practice field
There arose such a clatter
Because the injury report had
A player who really matters
A surprise shoulder problem
For the M-V-QB.
Just how bad it is
We’ll now wait and see.
Is he now out?
Or will he still play?
Can he get to Dallas in
A one -horse open sleigh?
Hurts’ hurt hurts the chances
Of a first-round bye.
And if his arm is a real mess
It’s about time to cry.
The situation is fraught.
“He’ll be back when?”
It’s then that I realized
We’re doing this again.
It’s five years since we lost
A QB in late season
I even rewrote this poem
For the exact same reason
And remember that year?
And what it did bring?
The playoffs, Philly special,
And a Super Bowl ring.
So this time we turn
To a different St. Nick
Sirianni has to game plan
And do it right quick.
His run plays are shaky.
His fourth downs are scary.
But so far, it’s all worked
Although sometimes just barely
More rapid than coursers
His Eagles will fly
As the fans rally behind
This odd Mishnew guy.
So bring on the Cowboys
The Giants and Saints
Bring on the postseason
New St. Nick might be great.
We may hear him exclaim
As they fight, Eagles, fight
“We still got AJ Brown
So we’ll be all right.”
QB: Josh Allen, 43.86 pts — started by Dad
WR: Zay Jones, 28.27 pts — on the wire
RB: Jerick McKinnon, 27.87 pts — started by Ant
TE: George Kittle, 20.20 pts — started by Mom D
K: Chase McLaughlin, 21.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Indianapolis, 21.00 pts — on Jeff’s bench
D: Kayvon Thibodeaux, 16.50 pts — on the wire
Don’t look now, but over the last four weeks Zay Jones (who you never heard of until 12 second ago) has been the sixth best wideout in all of fantasy football. The five-year veteran and #3 receiver for Jacksonville is having the best season of his career, and almost half of his receiving yards have come in the last month (347). His three touchdowns on Sunday in the Jags big win over the Cowboys were what really put him over the top, however. I wonder if Eagles #3 wideout Quez Watkins was taking any notes…
For what it’s worth, Rames WR Cooper Kupp is still the 10th best fantasy receiver in all of football and he has been on injured reserve for the last 33 days.
“Jalen Reagor” edition
2nd place: (tie) Velus Jones Jr., -0.24 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Jalen Reagor, -0.24 pts — on the wire
1st place: David Johnson, -0.80 pts — on the wire
Oh, poor Jalen. The former #1 pick by the Eagles who earlier this year said he thought he was treated unfairly when the team jettisoned him for a late-round pick had a stat line of two targets, zero catches and a fumble on a punt return in Saturday’s Vikings win. On the season, he has amassed 87 yds receiving and one TD in 14 games, which is 57 yds fewer than Eagles 4th-string WR Zach Pascal, who wasn’t drafted at all. But, yeah, the problem was the Philly coaching staff.
FYI, that is RB David Johnson, the former Cardinals all-star who is now a backup on the Saints. As recently as two years ago he had 691 rushing yds in a season with the Texans. So far this year, he has 8 rushing yds and a fumble in two games in New Orleans. Might be time to pack it up.
** At halftime of the Bills/Dolphins game, the NFL Network studio crew was asked what the difference in the 21-13 game was. Former injured RB Maurice Jones-Drew offered this calculated insight:
“To me, the issue is efficiency. The Bills have scored three touchdowns. The Dolphins have a touchdown and two field goals. I think that’s the difference in the game.”
I think that was the difference in the game too … because I looked at the scoreboard. Took me about 3 seconds to discern that and zero words. But Maurice did a solid job stretching that into 30 words and nearly a minute of meaningless nonsense.
** Speaking of the Bills game, the studio crew joked at halftime that they were offering their commentary while avoiding snowballs from the fans, which had been raining down on the field for much of the first half. Several hit Dolphins players in the end zone, as well as referees. Given the potential safety issues involved, NFL referee Bill Vinovich stepped in and made this announcement:
"Please stop throwing snowballs. If a snowball hits someone, it'll be a 15-yard penalty against Buffalo."
Please. Never mind that New York fans 30 years ago nearly killed a Chargers coach with snowballs. “We’re asking you nicely, because we know you’re such good fans.”
It didn’t stop the snowballs, but it did stop all mention of them from the announcing crew and reporters covering the game. You know, the same folks who still call Philly fans the scum of the earth for throwing some snowballs at a game 50-plus years ago.
** I know it’s off topic, but Sirius XM has a holiday station named Holly where they play “modern holiday hits” and right after they said that this weekend they played Elvis Presely’s “Blue Christmas” which was recorded in 1957 which was 10 years before the first Super Bowl was played and I don’t think they have any idea what the word “modern” means.
And what it did bring?
The playoffs, Philly special,
And a Super Bowl ring.
So this time we turn
To a different St. Nick
Sirianni has to game plan
And do it right quick.
His run plays are shaky.
His fourth downs are scary.
But so far, it’s all worked
Although sometimes just barely
More rapid than coursers
His Eagles will fly
As the fans rally behind
This odd Mishnew guy.
So bring on the Cowboys
The Giants and Saints
Bring on the postseason
New St. Nick might be great.
We may hear him exclaim
As they fight, Eagles, fight
“We still got AJ Brown
So we’ll be all right.”
WR: Zay Jones, 28.27 pts — on the wire
RB: Jerick McKinnon, 27.87 pts — started by Ant
TE: George Kittle, 20.20 pts — started by Mom D
K: Chase McLaughlin, 21.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Indianapolis, 21.00 pts — on Jeff’s bench
D: Kayvon Thibodeaux, 16.50 pts — on the wire
Don’t look now, but over the last four weeks Zay Jones (who you never heard of until 12 second ago) has been the sixth best wideout in all of fantasy football. The five-year veteran and #3 receiver for Jacksonville is having the best season of his career, and almost half of his receiving yards have come in the last month (347). His three touchdowns on Sunday in the Jags big win over the Cowboys were what really put him over the top, however. I wonder if Eagles #3 wideout Quez Watkins was taking any notes…
For what it’s worth, Rames WR Cooper Kupp is still the 10th best fantasy receiver in all of football and he has been on injured reserve for the last 33 days.
“Jalen Reagor” edition2nd place: (tie) Velus Jones Jr., -0.24 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Jalen Reagor, -0.24 pts — on the wire
1st place: David Johnson, -0.80 pts — on the wire
Oh, poor Jalen. The former #1 pick by the Eagles who earlier this year said he thought he was treated unfairly when the team jettisoned him for a late-round pick had a stat line of two targets, zero catches and a fumble on a punt return in Saturday’s Vikings win. On the season, he has amassed 87 yds receiving and one TD in 14 games, which is 57 yds fewer than Eagles 4th-string WR Zach Pascal, who wasn’t drafted at all. But, yeah, the problem was the Philly coaching staff.
FYI, that is RB David Johnson, the former Cardinals all-star who is now a backup on the Saints. As recently as two years ago he had 691 rushing yds in a season with the Texans. So far this year, he has 8 rushing yds and a fumble in two games in New Orleans. Might be time to pack it up.
** At halftime of the Bills/Dolphins game, the NFL Network studio crew was asked what the difference in the 21-13 game was. Former injured RB Maurice Jones-Drew offered this calculated insight:
“To me, the issue is efficiency. The Bills have scored three touchdowns. The Dolphins have a touchdown and two field goals. I think that’s the difference in the game.”
I think that was the difference in the game too … because I looked at the scoreboard. Took me about 3 seconds to discern that and zero words. But Maurice did a solid job stretching that into 30 words and nearly a minute of meaningless nonsense.
** Speaking of the Bills game, the studio crew joked at halftime that they were offering their commentary while avoiding snowballs from the fans, which had been raining down on the field for much of the first half. Several hit Dolphins players in the end zone, as well as referees. Given the potential safety issues involved, NFL referee Bill Vinovich stepped in and made this announcement:
"Please stop throwing snowballs. If a snowball hits someone, it'll be a 15-yard penalty against Buffalo."
Please. Never mind that New York fans 30 years ago nearly killed a Chargers coach with snowballs. “We’re asking you nicely, because we know you’re such good fans.”
It didn’t stop the snowballs, but it did stop all mention of them from the announcing crew and reporters covering the game. You know, the same folks who still call Philly fans the scum of the earth for throwing some snowballs at a game 50-plus years ago.
** I know it’s off topic, but Sirius XM has a holiday station named Holly where they play “modern holiday hits” and right after they said that this weekend they played Elvis Presely’s “Blue Christmas” which was recorded in 1957 which was 10 years before the first Super Bowl was played and I don’t think they have any idea what the word “modern” means.
Proposed name changes for the Indianapolis Colts, after they blew a 33-0 halftime lead and lost to the Vikings 36-39:
** Indianapolis Chokes
** Indianapolis Dopes
** Indianapolis “How were we better with Carson Wentz?”-es
** Indianapolis Dolts
** Indianapolis Jokes
** Indianapolis “But seriously Matt Ryan is just bad luck”-es
** India-nope-olis Colts
** Indianapolis Revolts
** Losers
Jalen Hurts or no Jalen Hurts, the Eagles will play the Cowboys on Dec. 24. It’s the fifth time in the last 20 years the Eagles have played on Christmas or Christmas Eve (all of them away games) and the third time they’ve played the Cowboys on the holidays (2-0 in the previous meetings). That winning road record may come as a surprise to some, but not if you just carefully look at what we’re talking about here:
Christmas Eve game in Dallas
** Ach! Eagles smite damn rivals
I know it’s not great to curse on such a holy day, but in this case it seems warranted.
** Dad and I split the four games we picked different this week. Of course, one of them was the Patriots/Raiders game, and had I known that the entire New England team had failed their IQ tests before the game, I could have picked up a point.
** So, this is definitely gonna sound like another made-up quip, but a story I wrote got picked up and followed by ESPN last week. And that’s really, really odd.
Week 15 standings
Garrity Family Throwdown
#1 seed — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 10-5/1911.44 pts
#2 seed — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 9-6/1994.70 pts
#3 seed — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 9-6/1845.16 pts
#4 seed — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 9-6/1787.90 pts
5 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome) 8-7/1933.94 pts
6 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 7-8/1859.48 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 6-9/1828.90 pts
8— America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 2-13/1236.18 pts
Well, Dad’s cheating successfully screwed me out of a playoff spot. If he hadn’t intentionally benched a player in the Monday night game last week so Mom could win, she would have finished fifth and we could have had an actual fair postseason. But, as it stands, the whole thing is messed up.
Good luck to the teams that deserve to be there. I’m done recapping the league for the year, because it’s not fun when people cheat.
Awesome Cup Standings
1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1978.34 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 1818.88 pts
3 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1815.68 pts
4 — Champ For Life (Jo), 1807.59 pts
5 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 1690.36 pts
6 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 1652.16 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1641.85 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1504.94 pts
9 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 1478.11 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1452.76 pts
11 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1440.40 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 1323.12 pts
Mom D’s lead is nearly insurmountable now — even if I outscore her by 50 pts each of the next three weeks, it still won’t be enough to catch up.
And there’s no guarantee that I can even hold onto the second-place spot. Both Jonathan and Jo are close behind, which should create some fun fights at dinner over the next week. There’s another good fight brewing in the 8-9-10-11 spots, with the pride of at least finishing in single digits at stake. And, sadly, Paul’s team remains dead.
It’s nonsense time again in the NFL this week, with 11 games on Saturday and only three on Sunday (and another on Thursday, and another on Monday, because). So get your affairs settled on Christmas Eve eve, because you’re gonna need the time to wrap presents once the games start.
** Indianapolis Chokes
** Indianapolis Dopes
** Indianapolis “How were we better with Carson Wentz?”-es
** Indianapolis Dolts
** Indianapolis Jokes
** Indianapolis “But seriously Matt Ryan is just bad luck”-es
** India-nope-olis Colts
** Indianapolis Revolts
** Losers
Jalen Hurts or no Jalen Hurts, the Eagles will play the Cowboys on Dec. 24. It’s the fifth time in the last 20 years the Eagles have played on Christmas or Christmas Eve (all of them away games) and the third time they’ve played the Cowboys on the holidays (2-0 in the previous meetings). That winning road record may come as a surprise to some, but not if you just carefully look at what we’re talking about here:
Christmas Eve game in Dallas
** Ach! Eagles smite damn rivals
I know it’s not great to curse on such a holy day, but in this case it seems warranted.
** Dad and I split the four games we picked different this week. Of course, one of them was the Patriots/Raiders game, and had I known that the entire New England team had failed their IQ tests before the game, I could have picked up a point.** So, this is definitely gonna sound like another made-up quip, but a story I wrote got picked up and followed by ESPN last week. And that’s really, really odd.
Week 15 standings
Garrity Family Throwdown
#1 seed — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 10-5/1911.44 pts
#2 seed — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 9-6/1994.70 pts
#3 seed — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 9-6/1845.16 pts
#4 seed — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 9-6/1787.90 pts
5 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome) 8-7/1933.94 pts
6 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 7-8/1859.48 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 6-9/1828.90 pts
8— America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 2-13/1236.18 pts
Well, Dad’s cheating successfully screwed me out of a playoff spot. If he hadn’t intentionally benched a player in the Monday night game last week so Mom could win, she would have finished fifth and we could have had an actual fair postseason. But, as it stands, the whole thing is messed up.
Good luck to the teams that deserve to be there. I’m done recapping the league for the year, because it’s not fun when people cheat.
Awesome Cup Standings
1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1978.34 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 1818.88 pts
3 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1815.68 pts
4 — Champ For Life (Jo), 1807.59 pts
5 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 1690.36 pts
6 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 1652.16 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1641.85 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1504.94 pts
9 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 1478.11 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1452.76 pts
11 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1440.40 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 1323.12 pts
Mom D’s lead is nearly insurmountable now — even if I outscore her by 50 pts each of the next three weeks, it still won’t be enough to catch up.
And there’s no guarantee that I can even hold onto the second-place spot. Both Jonathan and Jo are close behind, which should create some fun fights at dinner over the next week. There’s another good fight brewing in the 8-9-10-11 spots, with the pride of at least finishing in single digits at stake. And, sadly, Paul’s team remains dead.
It’s nonsense time again in the NFL this week, with 11 games on Saturday and only three on Sunday (and another on Thursday, and another on Monday, because). So get your affairs settled on Christmas Eve eve, because you’re gonna need the time to wrap presents once the games start.
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