The start of December marks the start of college football bowl season, an inspiring tradition that has brought us timeless classics such as the Beef O’Brady Bowl and the Dukes Mayo Bowl. Yet the NFL still clings to its old ways of assigning playoff games based on merit instead of the whims of executives, depriving fans of the matchups they truly deserve. Here’s a look at what the NFL could be giving us in coming weeks if they switched to a bowl system:
The Depends Undergarments Bowl — Tampa Bay vs. Seattle
Buccaneers QB Tom Brady celebrated his 45th birthday in August and has played like an old man for most of the year. Meanwhile, did you know Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll is 70? If those two shake hands in the postgame, who is more likely to sustain a back injury?
The America Bowl — New England vs. Maryland
This has the potential to be a decent game, but the refs ultimately will make sure Bill Belichick’s team gets enough calls to win just so that lead sponsor FOX News can run the headline “Patriots beat the Commies” the next day.
The New Jersey Board of Tourism Bowl — New Jersey vs. New Jersey
The Jets and Giants square off to decide once and for all who is the best team in the Garden State. The winner will be permitted to finally drop their fictitious “New York” label and wear the name of their actual home state proudly on their uniforms.
The Cheeze-It Bowl — Cincinnati vs. Jacksonville
This is an actual college bowl game and honestly they could replace Oklahoma and Florida State with these two pro teams without anyone noticing.
The real Super Bowl — Buffalo vs. Dallas
The NFL beat writers insist that the Bills are the best team in the league, no matter how many games they lose. And the Cowboys have shown over the last 25 years that the only way for them to get into the championship game would be for a selection team to place them there, since they can’t win in the playoffs.
WR: Davante Adams, 27.80 pts — stated by Jeff
RB: Tony Pollard, 23.10 pts — started by Ant
TE: Noah Fant, 10.80 pts — on the wire
K: Greg Zuerlein, 19.00 pts — started by Jo
DEF: Cleveland, 31.00 pts — started by me
D: Tony Fields II, 14.00 pts — on the wire
Remember, Taysom Hill is a QB and not a TE, so it doesn’t matter if he is listed as the top scorer at that position for the week.
Let’s talk about the Cleveland defense for a moment. Remember all the way back to last week, when I wrote this?
“Through 11 games, the Cleveland Browns defense — predicted to be among the best in the league in the pre-season — has amassed an amazing 35.00 fantasy pts… So why did I pick them up this week? Good question.”
You have your answer now, folks. Cleveland, the worst fantasy defense in football, has the best day of any team so far this year, recording two interceptions, two fumble recoveries, two defensive TDs and a punt return TD. They nearly doubled their points for the season on Sunday. And I called it a week ago. I’ll accept any compliments you’d like to deliver in the comments.
Jalen Hurts leads all fantasy scorers for the second time this season. Last week he rushed and passed for more than 300 yds combined. This year, he did almost all of it through the air — 380 passing yds and three TDs (and another one rushing, just for good measure). He’s tied for 6th among all players in rushing TDs this season (with 8, the same as Miles Sanders) and tied for 9th in passing TDs with 17. Not bad for a guy who supposedly isn’t good at his position.
“Grab bag” edition3rd place: James Proche II, -0.40 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Mo Alie-Cox, -1.10 pts — on the wire
1st place: Skylar Thompson, -2.00 pts — on the wire
Second week in a row on this list for Thompson, who is so nondescript that I bet you can’t remember who he plays for. The Denver backup QB played in mop-up duty on Sunday and threw an interception in his only pass attempt. Tough break for him. Even tougher is the fact that I could call him the Detroit backup QB and you wouldn’t bat an eye, even though he plays for Jacksonville. Seriously, no one has ever heard of this guy.
Just missing this list, in fourth place: Detroit backup QB Nate Sudfeld. Remember him? The dude who played in the second half of the game the Eagles threw in the season finale that handed the division title to the then Maryland Racial slurs? The game that ultimately got Doug Pederson fired? That was TWO YEARS AGO. Not twenty. Two. It’s just mind boggling how much this team has changed in less than 24 months. But I’m glad to see Sudfeld is still collecting checks for playing poorly somewhere.
** In the second quarter of the Big 12 championship game on Saturday, TCU QB Max Duggan spotted a wide open receiver down the middle of the field, but his pass to the free wideout fell short as his arm was hit by a blitzing linebacker. Commentator Kirk Herbstreit noted that “if he has protection there, he makes that throw.
Well, yes. That’s pretty much every QB in organized football. If they don’t have any pressure and there is a guy wide open, they can throw the ball to them. If they can’t, the coaches don’t let them play QB.
Herbstreit later went on to explain that the RBs need to be able to hold onto the ball while they run, and that the team with the most points wins at the end.
** A few hours later, in FOURTH quarter of the SEC championship game, the Georgia Bulldogs scored a TD to take a 48-23 lead over the LSU Tigers. Then Georgia opted to go for 2, because the math told them that … being up by three TDs, three two-point conversions and a FG with less than 15 minutes left was safer than being up just three TDs, three two-point conversions and two more points with less than 15 minutes left.
So the Bulldogs used a modified Philly Special play, running a reverse then having a WR toss a pass to get the two points. Because going up 27 instead of 26 is exactly the time to pull out your trick plays. You’ve got them in the playbook to catch the defense off guard, and they’re never more off guard then when they’re down 25 points.
Georgia only won the game by 20 in the end, so thank goodness they got that extra point on the board. A 19-point victory would have been embarrassing.
** The Washington Post on Wednesday noted that going into week 13, all four teams in the NFC East were in line to make the postseason. “It’s the first time since the divisions were realigned in 2002 that all four teams were in playoff position, although that only became possible after a seventh playoff spot was added in 2020.”
So … it was the first time since 2020 then, because it wasn’t possible before that year. So two years. Not 20. Two.
If we’re just picking random dates, then this was the first time since the moon landing that all four teams were in playoff position. Or the first time since the death of Julius Caesar. Or the first time since the printing press was invented, allowing some sports pundits to throw ridiculous pseudo facts out there.
After the Buccaneers win over the Saints on Monday night, here is a not-unrealistic finish for all of the teams in the NFC South:
Tampa Bay loses its last five games to the 49ers, Bengals, Cardinals, Panthers and Falcons. They finish 6-11.
Atlanta loses to the Saints, Ravens and Cardinals but beat the Buccaneers. They finish 6-11.
Carolina loses to the Seahawks, Steelers and Lions, but beat the Saints and Buccaneers. They finish 6-11.
New Orleans loses to the Eagles and Panthers but beat the Falcons and the Browns. They finish 6-11.
If that all happens, the Panthers — who at one point this season were 2-7 — would win the four-way deadlock on tiebreakers (best NFC South record) with 0.353 win percentage and host a first-round professional football playoff game.
And then the skies would open up and the almighty would smite us all for allowing such an injustice to happen.
The Dallas front office selected Cornerback DaRon Bland with their fifth-round pick in last year’s draft after seeing in him good field vision and a strong work ethic.
Just kidding, he’s a bum like the rest of the team. It’s pretty obvious once you take a closer look at his name.
Cowboys CB DaRon Bland
** A crabby clown, odd snob.
** A bad bod, low-sync bronc.
** A scabby, blond con. Word.
Remember, you can’t spell “DaRon Bland” without “bland, no rad.”
** Dad and I went 1-1-1 in our different picks this week, which actually counts as 1-2, since a tie means neither one of us picked it right. That leaves Dad down six games with five weeks of football left. In our defense, though, the fact that we picked different sides of a tie game shows just how much of a toss up that contest was.
** With their win on Sunday, the Eagles are now 3-4 on Dec. 4 since 1976. Their next chance to get to .500 on my birth date in my lifetime likely won’t come until 2033, the next time Dec. 4 falls on a Sunday. However, the date does land on a Monday next year and again in 2028, so there’s a chance they can play before then. Either way, I’m guessing Jalen Hurts will not be the Eagles QB by the time 2033 rolls around.
** Congrats to G on scoring the highest of anyone on last week’s quiz. Second place goes to Mom. Third place is a tie between alllllll the rest of you who didn’t bother to fill it out…
** But for real, Skylar Thompson is the backup QB in Miami. Go ahead, look it up. I even said it last week. But none of us will remember his name five minutes from now. Dude is just forgettable.
Week 13 standings
Garrity Family Throwdown
1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 9-4/1702.64 pts
2 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 8-5/1695.04 pts
3 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Jimmy), 7-6/1701.62 pts
4 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 7-6/1625.44 pts
5 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Uncle Jim), 7-6/1577.60 pts
6 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 7-6/1539.38 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 5-8/1584.46 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 2-11/1053.38 pts
Two contests this week were decided by less than 1.5 pts, including Jimmy just barely beating our team of Cowboy losers (122.8 to 122.5). With two weeks left before the fantasy playoffs, no one has clinched a spot yet, and only Dak Prescott has been eliminated. But Eileen can punch her ticket to the postseason with a victory over that lowly losers squad this week, and a win over Jimmy for me would all but assure me the same.
Awesome Cup Standings
1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1711.75 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 1630.09 pts
3 — Champ For Life (Jo), 1566.54 pts
4 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1560.04 pts
5 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 1442.08 pts
6 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 1435.19 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1420.18 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1364.70 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1285.02 pts
10 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 1273.89 pts
11 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1268.74 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 1133.35 pts
A big week for Jonathan (146.94 pts) has him within 6.5 pts of third place, potentially knocking last year’s champ out of medal contention. Ant and Jeff also saw big moves this week to climb up the ladder. And Paul remains dead.
But the big story is mediocre weeks from Jo and me coupled with another 130-plus pts week from Mom D, which allowed her to open a 81-pts lead over second place and a ridiculous 145-pts lead over third. The gap just gets wider and wider, and unless Jalen Hurts slows down, there’s no sign that her team will fade soon.
Week 14 is the last week of team byes, so of course the NFL really stuck it to us with the long list late in the season: the Falcons, Bears, Packers, Colts, Saints and Commanders all have off. As a result, there are a measly three 4pm games on Sunday. Have fun watching the Bucs and 49ers, whether you like it or not. And get your rosters squared away early.
Tampa Bay loses its last five games to the 49ers, Bengals, Cardinals, Panthers and Falcons. They finish 6-11.
Atlanta loses to the Saints, Ravens and Cardinals but beat the Buccaneers. They finish 6-11.
Carolina loses to the Seahawks, Steelers and Lions, but beat the Saints and Buccaneers. They finish 6-11.
New Orleans loses to the Eagles and Panthers but beat the Falcons and the Browns. They finish 6-11.
If that all happens, the Panthers — who at one point this season were 2-7 — would win the four-way deadlock on tiebreakers (best NFC South record) with 0.353 win percentage and host a first-round professional football playoff game.
And then the skies would open up and the almighty would smite us all for allowing such an injustice to happen.
The Dallas front office selected Cornerback DaRon Bland with their fifth-round pick in last year’s draft after seeing in him good field vision and a strong work ethic.Just kidding, he’s a bum like the rest of the team. It’s pretty obvious once you take a closer look at his name.
Cowboys CB DaRon Bland
** A crabby clown, odd snob.
** A bad bod, low-sync bronc.
** A scabby, blond con. Word.
Remember, you can’t spell “DaRon Bland” without “bland, no rad.”
** Dad and I went 1-1-1 in our different picks this week, which actually counts as 1-2, since a tie means neither one of us picked it right. That leaves Dad down six games with five weeks of football left. In our defense, though, the fact that we picked different sides of a tie game shows just how much of a toss up that contest was. ** With their win on Sunday, the Eagles are now 3-4 on Dec. 4 since 1976. Their next chance to get to .500 on my birth date in my lifetime likely won’t come until 2033, the next time Dec. 4 falls on a Sunday. However, the date does land on a Monday next year and again in 2028, so there’s a chance they can play before then. Either way, I’m guessing Jalen Hurts will not be the Eagles QB by the time 2033 rolls around.
** Congrats to G on scoring the highest of anyone on last week’s quiz. Second place goes to Mom. Third place is a tie between alllllll the rest of you who didn’t bother to fill it out…
** But for real, Skylar Thompson is the backup QB in Miami. Go ahead, look it up. I even said it last week. But none of us will remember his name five minutes from now. Dude is just forgettable.
Week 13 standings
Garrity Family Throwdown
1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 9-4/1702.64 pts
2 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 8-5/1695.04 pts
3 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Jimmy), 7-6/1701.62 pts
4 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 7-6/1625.44 pts
5 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Uncle Jim), 7-6/1577.60 pts
6 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 7-6/1539.38 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 5-8/1584.46 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 2-11/1053.38 pts
Two contests this week were decided by less than 1.5 pts, including Jimmy just barely beating our team of Cowboy losers (122.8 to 122.5). With two weeks left before the fantasy playoffs, no one has clinched a spot yet, and only Dak Prescott has been eliminated. But Eileen can punch her ticket to the postseason with a victory over that lowly losers squad this week, and a win over Jimmy for me would all but assure me the same.
Awesome Cup Standings
1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1711.75 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 1630.09 pts
3 — Champ For Life (Jo), 1566.54 pts
4 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1560.04 pts
5 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 1442.08 pts
6 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 1435.19 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1420.18 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1364.70 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1285.02 pts
10 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 1273.89 pts
11 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1268.74 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 1133.35 pts
A big week for Jonathan (146.94 pts) has him within 6.5 pts of third place, potentially knocking last year’s champ out of medal contention. Ant and Jeff also saw big moves this week to climb up the ladder. And Paul remains dead.
But the big story is mediocre weeks from Jo and me coupled with another 130-plus pts week from Mom D, which allowed her to open a 81-pts lead over second place and a ridiculous 145-pts lead over third. The gap just gets wider and wider, and unless Jalen Hurts slows down, there’s no sign that her team will fade soon.
Week 14 is the last week of team byes, so of course the NFL really stuck it to us with the long list late in the season: the Falcons, Bears, Packers, Colts, Saints and Commanders all have off. As a result, there are a measly three 4pm games on Sunday. Have fun watching the Bucs and 49ers, whether you like it or not. And get your rosters squared away early.
No comments:
Post a Comment