It’s time for everyone’s favorite game: Can you identify which of the following are players who have scored a World Cup goal this year and which are members of the Super Bowl runner-up Cincinnati Bengals? The soccer players are among the most famous names in the world. The Bengals just played in the NFL championship nine months ago. This should be easy, right?
WR: Garrett Wilson, 20.73 pts — started by Jo
RB: Josh Jacobs, 43.33 pts — started by me
TE: Dalton Schultz, 16.07 pts — started by Jeff
K: Justin Tucker, 15.00 pts — started by Mom D
DEF: San Francisco, 20.00 pts — started by Ant
D: Ed Oliver, 14.00 pts — on the wire
Gah! So close to another top performers’ sweep.
Through the first three months of the season, the top-scoring fantasy RB is Jacobs, the 25th back selected in our draft. This week was the fourth time he has scored more than 20 fantasy pts in a game and the third time he topped 30 pts. But this week was his best line of all — 6 catches for 74 yds and 229 yds rushing with 2 TDs, including a game-winning 86-yd TD run in overtime.
For the record, Jacobs (who I drafted) has a 13 point lead in the fantasy standings over the second place back, Titans RB Derrick Henry (who I drafted) and the 4th-place back, Browns RB Nick Chubb (who I drafted). They’re also the only three backs who have rushed for more than 1,000 yds so far this season. I don’t like to say “I told you so,” but … no, actually I do. Nevermind.
In their last four games, the 49ers defense has allowed 40 pts. In their first four games this season, they allowed 38 pts. And against Kansas City in week 7, they allowed 42 pts. So, I dunno. They’re good unless it’s Patrick Mahomes throwing the ball, and then who among us is any good anyway.
“Unskilled players” edition3rd place: Jalen Virgil, -1.08 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Skylar Thompson, -1.26 pts — on the wire
1st place: CJ Moore, -1.50 pts — on the wire
I swear this is the first time I’ve ever heard Thompson’s name, but the stat sheet says that the Dolphins backup QB has appeared in four games this season and even started one. So, that’s all news to me. His 1-for-5 passing line with a fumble didn’t exactly make him memorable this week either.
Through 11 games, the Cleveland Browns defense — predicted to be among the best in the league in the pre-season — has amassed an amazing 35.00 fantasy pts, or less than 3.2 a game. They’re been worth negative points four times this season and less than 6.00 pts a whopping eight times. So why did I pick them up this week? Good question. I’m trying to remember.
** If you stayed up for the end of the Sunday night football game, you heard this:
Mike Tirico: “The Eagles rushed for 363 yards in the win tonight, with more than 300 of them coming from Jalen Hurts and Miles Sanders alone.”
Cris Collingsworth: “You know Mike, you gotta give some credit here to Jalen Hurts.”
I mean, I guess. Setting a team record for QB rushing and becoming the first player ever to rush for 125 yds and pass for 125 yds in a SINGLE HALF sounds impressive, but I think the defensive line really deserves the credit. And maybe Tom Brady, just because.
** Headline on ESPN’s featured video on Thanksgiving night: Did CeeDee Lamb deserve a touchdown on this incredible play?
When viewers saw the video, it showed the Cowboys wideout making a twisting catch in the back of the end zone … and clearly stepping out of bounds. Like, no question. And the refs called it out of bounds, no catch. So the answer, I guess, is “no.” He did not, because it’s not a catch. But that’s for the 30 seconds of my life wasted.
How the 1-9-1 Texans, the worst team in football, can still make the playoffs:
** The Texans win their last six games, all upsets. They finish 7-9-1.
** The Titans lose their next six games and finish 7-10.
** The Jaguars win both of their remaining games against the Titans but lose three of the other four, finishing with a 7-10 record.
** The Colts win three of their next five games but lose their finale against the Texans. They finish 7-9-1.
If all that happens, then Houston wins the AFC South on tiebreakers over the Colts (1-0-1 head-to-head record) and they host a home playoff game, likely welcoming in a 11-win Dolphins.
How the 10-1 Eagles, the best team in football, can still miss the playoffs:
** The Eagles lose their last six games and finish 10-7.
** The Maryland Commies win four of their last six, finishing at 11-6.
** The New Jersey Giants win four of their last six, finishing at 11-6.
** The Cowboys win four of their last six, finishing at 11-6.
** The 49ers win four of their last six, finishing at 11-6.
** The Seahawks win five of their last six, finishing at 11-6.
At that point, the Eagles would lose out on the final playoff spot by a single game, but still likely finish with a better or equal record to the NFC South champion (only the Bucs still have a chance to finish with 11 wins.)
The point of all this is, nothing has been lost or clinched yet. There is still more football to go.
Last month, due to injuries along their offensive line, the Dallas front office signed former Virginia Tech lineman Brock Hoffman to their practice squad. Coaches said they saw in him everything they want in a player. What is that? Just look at his name and it’s spelled out clear as day:
Cowboys Center Brock Hoffman
** Mr. frown face. Snob be cocky, tho.
Not many people know that smiling is outlawed at Dallas practices, and in most of Texas for that matter.
** Split the picks with Dad this week, so he remains six behind with six weeks left in the regular season. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have picked either team to win that dreadful Monday night game.
** Just putting the realistic Philly math out there — The Eagles are 10-1 after 12 weeks. If they go 3-3 over their last six games, they’ll finish 13-4. In order to match that record, the second place NFC East team (the Cowboys) will have to go 5-1. And if the Eagles beat the Cowboys on Dec. 24, the Cowboys have to finish a game ahead of the Eagles in the standings in order to win the division, due to favorable Philadelphia tiebreaks.
** The Philadelphia Inquirer reported that Sunday night’s NBC broadcast of the Eagles game featured zero — as is none, nada, zip — references to cheesesteaks. The achievement was blunted by the fact that Collinsworth just talked for four hours straight about how wonderful Aaron Rogers is, but still.
** Delaware will play top-ranked South Dakota State in the second round of the FCS playoffs at 3 p.m. on Saturday, in case you want to watch college football and your team had their season ended last week in a rivalry loss. Just saying.
** The Eagles lose their last six games and finish 10-7.
** The Maryland Commies win four of their last six, finishing at 11-6.
** The New Jersey Giants win four of their last six, finishing at 11-6.
** The Cowboys win four of their last six, finishing at 11-6.
** The 49ers win four of their last six, finishing at 11-6.
** The Seahawks win five of their last six, finishing at 11-6.
At that point, the Eagles would lose out on the final playoff spot by a single game, but still likely finish with a better or equal record to the NFC South champion (only the Bucs still have a chance to finish with 11 wins.)
The point of all this is, nothing has been lost or clinched yet. There is still more football to go.
Last month, due to injuries along their offensive line, the Dallas front office signed former Virginia Tech lineman Brock Hoffman to their practice squad. Coaches said they saw in him everything they want in a player. What is that? Just look at his name and it’s spelled out clear as day: Cowboys Center Brock Hoffman
** Mr. frown face. Snob be cocky, tho.
Not many people know that smiling is outlawed at Dallas practices, and in most of Texas for that matter.
** Split the picks with Dad this week, so he remains six behind with six weeks left in the regular season. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have picked either team to win that dreadful Monday night game. ** Just putting the realistic Philly math out there — The Eagles are 10-1 after 12 weeks. If they go 3-3 over their last six games, they’ll finish 13-4. In order to match that record, the second place NFC East team (the Cowboys) will have to go 5-1. And if the Eagles beat the Cowboys on Dec. 24, the Cowboys have to finish a game ahead of the Eagles in the standings in order to win the division, due to favorable Philadelphia tiebreaks.
** The Philadelphia Inquirer reported that Sunday night’s NBC broadcast of the Eagles game featured zero — as is none, nada, zip — references to cheesesteaks. The achievement was blunted by the fact that Collinsworth just talked for four hours straight about how wonderful Aaron Rogers is, but still.
** Delaware will play top-ranked South Dakota State in the second round of the FCS playoffs at 3 p.m. on Saturday, in case you want to watch college football and your team had their season ended last week in a rivalry loss. Just saying.
Week 12 standings Garrity Family Throwdown
1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 8-4/1574.40 pts
2 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 7-5/1558.34 pts
3 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 7-5/1508.28 pts
4 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 7-5/1406.76 pts
5 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Jimmy), 6-6/1578.82 pts
6 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Uncle Jim), 6-6/1443.66 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 5-7/1481.94 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 2-10/930.88 pts
Tough break this week for Jimmy, whose 142.22 pts would have beaten five other teams this week, but not the season-high 171.86 pts my team threw down. He actually has the most points scored of any team on the year, but finds himself outside the playoff bracket at the moment because of some bad luck.
Meanwhile, Eileen continues to stay ahead of the pack (just barely) and Mom eked out just enough points to jump back into fourth place. Despite the second-lowest scoring team in the league (and the Losers don’t really count anyways), she’s in playoff contention. Fantasy football is a mysterious, cruel sport.
Awesome Cup Standings
1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1580.04 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 1510.34 pts
3 — Champ For Life (Jo), 1462.15 pts
4 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1413.10 pts
5 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 1344.80 pts
6 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 1315.06 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1272.49 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1269.86 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1202.49 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1172.20 pts
11 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 1160.42 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 1035.44 pts
Dad had a great week, Ant and Jonathan had solid performances too, and I got 73.07 pts from my three great RBs and 8.14 pts from my three terrible wideouts. So, maybe you can’t win a fantasy league with RBs alone.
But does any of this matter? Mom D continues her dominance over the league. She hasn’t scored fewer than 110 fantasy pts since week 2, and has finished in the top three in team scoring five of the last seven weeks. She now has a nearly 70 pts lead over second place and a 118 pts gap between her and third place (occupied by the reigning Awesome Cup champ). At this rate, she may have the title wrapped up before the Eagles clinch a playoff spot.
Next week is the start of December and week 13 on the NFL schedule … so of course we’re back to bye weeks for some reason. The good news is that it’s only the Panthers and Cardinals, and all of their players are garbage. But the Thursday game is Bills vs. Patriots, which is a pretty good one, so check those rosters early.
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