I know you heard that American Idol was in Philly this week, but you probably didn’t hear that several local notables made an appearance to perform on the show. None of them got through, but my spies up there gave me a full report about their performances:

Aaron Rowand – singing “Centerfield” by John Fogerty
Judges’ notes: Replacing the lyrics “a brand-new pair of shoes” with “just gimmie a brand-new contract already” ruined the playful tone of the song.

Jeremiah Trotter – “You Outta Know” by Alanis Morissette
Judges’ notes: I thought this song was supposed to be about a jilted girlfriend. I don’t remember anything about the 3-4 defense or “what’s with your stupid D-line obsession” in the original.

Brett Myers – “Stan” by Eminem
Judges’ notes: Ummm... I'm not sure the wife-beating song was the best choice.

Ryan Howard – “If I had a million dollars” by BNL
Judges’ notes: His tone and pitch were just terrible, but even we can tell this guy deserves to be making more than $900,000 this year.

Dawkins – “Let the bodies hit the floor” by Drowning Pool
Judges’ notes: I was so scared I actually wet myself.

Andy Reid – “Georgia on my Mind” by Stevie Wonder
Judges’ notes: Mumbling was a major problem with this singer, and whenever he forgot the lyrics he just sputtered out “The time is yours.” Very weird.

Chase Utley – “I am great” by Chase Utley
Judges’ notes: It wasn’t really a song per se – he just stood there for 10 minutes and kept yelling “I AM GREAT!” – but it’s hard to argue with that.

Terrell Owens – “The Eagles Fight Song”
Judges’ notes: Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything this performer can do that’s going to make us like him.

Setting the draft order

Before I get to the draft order, there's shocking news this year. Our 2003 Awesome Cup champion, Heidi "The Hitman" Doyle, this weekend was suspended for the 2007 fantasy football season after she tested positive for performance-enchancing drugs.

Not a lot of details are being released right now. As you know, Heidi in recent months has been dogged by steroid allegations, ever she set the modern record for mouse clicks during NFL.com web surfing (14.3 million in 10 minutes). The appeals process is lengthy, in part because of the damage that kind of substance abuse could have on the integrity of the game. It's tragic that another great young player appears to have succumbed to the quick glory that drugs can bring, and now it might cost her career.

Also, I'm pretty sure she's involved in dogfighting.

Luckily, we've got two new players this year taking her place and trying to wrest the Awesome Cup from Eric's grimy, grimy fingers. As always, the first four spots in the draft are set in reserve order of last year's top four, so we have:

12. I like Bush, Reggie (Eric)
11. Spider Pigs (Ant)
10. We Want Detmers (Joanner)
9. Szechuan Bean Curd (Mike)

The angry Koy-lover over here is picking the other names out of my old Eagles hat, offering her own commentary on each selection, and the next pick goes to ...

8. Burns' Ringers (Joel)
Jo comment: "Why do we start at eight? This is a stupid way to do a draft."
My reaction: Tough break; He finished 10th of 11 last year, and gets the worst pick possible. But that's slightly better news for ...

7. The Moravians (Bob)
Jo comment: "Wait, Bob's in this league? Who let that happen?"
My reaction: Welcome to the league, newbie. Usually we give the new kids a break, but not this year. Instead, your loss benefits...

6. Updog (Neal)
Jo comment: "Who? Oh, that Neal."
My reaction: Neal finished 8th last year, so this is right where he should have picked. See the system works! Moving on...

5. Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Jo comment: "You know, I didn't win last year. I should get a better pick."
My reaction: Bad team name, OK draft spot. But I'm starting to get worried no one is going to believe this because my name hasn't been picked yet. Maybe it'll be next ...

4. Mudslingers of old (Capt. Awesome's Dad)
Jo comment: "That's not a great spot for your own father."
My reaction: I thought it was a good spot. But it's not quite as good as the next pick, which belongs to ...

3. Giuliani's 2nd Wife (Jim)
Jo comment: "Are you cheating? Is your name even in there?"
My reaction: Even Jim might decide to draft a RB this high. We're almost finished here, but first we have ...

2. I Need Linebackers (Paul)
Jo comment: "This is stupid. Did I mention that?"
My reaction: Paul shouldn't get this high of a pick; That's a terrible team name. And now it makes me think of Trotter. Thanks for depressing me, jerk.

So that just leaves...

1. For who for what? (Capt. Awesome)
My reaction:

Oh crap.

Oh crap.

Oh crap.

No one is gonna believe this.

Jo comment: "No, you made your bed, you filthy cheater. Now you have to lie in that filthy bed. Besides, nobody is going to believe I wanted to help you. Flithy cheater."

Clearly, the hat was expecting Heidi's name to come out last. Despite the Koy apologist's animosity over here, she'll vouch this is on the up-and-up, and I'll remind you all we've never had a repeat winner of the Awesome Cup or someone win after getting the number one pick in the draft. That's two big strikes against me.

Let's set the draft for Friday, Aug. 31 -- it's automated, so set your rosters before that night. I'll switch the status over and we should have our teams ready to go Saturday or Sunday morning (and I'll have Tomlinson as my #1 back).

Email me with any questions, and happy hunting.

A logical explanation for why the Eagles today cut Trotter, a fan favorite and a clubhouse leader, even though they still have plenty of cap space

...

I've got nothing.

Checking my worldwide profile

Before football season starts and every post becomes a fantasy league update (draft info coming later this week), I wanted to take a peek at the contributions I've made to society with this site via a quick google search of fun phrases. Please note, unlike the usual paint mastery I display here, these are actual, factual screen grabs from google:

First, the basics --


Then, my most important contribution to society --


Here's one that should have been on there years ago --


And, finally, my personal favorite --


Not a bad legacy so far, I must say.

Watching football at Fort Awesome

To help get you ready for the regular season, I’m chronicling what to expect the next time we’re over watching the games.

We’ve got our TV muted with the Baltimore broadcast and our Sirius radio blaring out Merrill Reese in perfect synch with the picture, so it’s time to welcome back …A.J. Feeley? Whatever, it’s still football.

7:01 – Why thank you, Dick Stockton, for the welcome back. What’s that you say, Daryl Johnson? “McGahee plays into the Ravens new philosophy of getting the offense and defense to play together.” I believe that’s a five-yard penalty for too many men on the field. Idiot. Glad to see he’s in mid-season form.

7:06 – The first play from scrimmage is … a pass. What a shock.

7:09 – As Andy Reid curses after a delay of game penalty, Lt. Col. Awesome over here offers her first commentary: “He’s hungry! Hurry up the play, I’ve gotta eat somebody!”

7:15 – So suddenly they can stop the run and can’t stop the pass. If you were wondering if this was real football, you now have your answer.

7:21 – Steve McNair chucks one into the ground behind the line of scrimmage to avoid a sack and … no flag. So the refs are in mid-season form too…

7:22 – And that non-call allows McNair to complete a nice strike in the back of the end zone for the game’s first TD. I know it doesn’t matter, but grrrrrrrrrrrr.

7:24 – The “sum-sum-summertime” commercial on the radio just synched up very creepily with a Viagra commercial.

7:28 – Merril: “Westbrook rumbles for 30 yards with his classic dip-dee-do.”
Quick: “OK, time to take him out now.”
My thoughts exactly. And look, here comes Iron Knees Buckhalter, right on cue.

7:31 – Akers just shanked a field goal … because Dirk Johnson mishandled the snap. I know we’ve already got four QBs on the roster, but can you look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want Koy Detmer back just for this reason?

7:34 – And here comes the Ravens second string offense. Boy, those $60 tickets are really worth the show.

7:35 – We have a Broderick Bunkley sighting. Please take all appropriate precautions.

7:37 – Jeremy Bloom just caught a punt cleanly AND ran forward afterwards. Can you do that? Reno Mahe usually goes down much quicker.

7:38 – A commercial for the Dan Patrick show just featured the soon-departing ESPN host saying “Would you like Mike to nibble on your ear? Would you like Mike to eat your children?” He was talking about Tyson, but you know he really meant Irvin.

7:42 – The second quarter opens with … a pass attempt (which results in a sack.) I’m sensing a theme.

7:43 – On 3rd and 23, Merrill just said “it’s third and Landover.” We missed him all summer long.

7:45 – Dirk Johnson so far: one great punt, one crappy punt. Aussie hero punter so far: nothing.

7:47 – ESPN has a gamecast of this game. Huh. I knew we should have done a pre-season fantasy football league.

7:49 – We have a second Broderick Bunkley sighting. Please take all appropriate precautions.

7:50 – Matt Stover hits a 50-yard-field goal, which sets the wife screaming about Koy Detmer for the third time so far. Now she’s yelling at G for not keeping a Detmer in reserve for just this situation. She’s even offering to pay to build a new one if necessary.

7:54 – There are 10 different active players who have more than 75 career sacks? I did not know that. Thank you, Ravens Television Network. Next time tell me who they are.

7:56 – WR Greg Lewis with a four-yard catch. I was pretty sure we had him put down last year. Why didn’t we?

8:02 – Ravens’ QB Kyle Boller just got destroyed by LB Matt McCoy. And most of the crowd cheered. He’s really not very good.

8:07 – “The problem,” the wife says, “is that listening Merrill eliminates most of your best material.” So I guess this isn’t very funny so far. And it’s almost 700 words.

8:08 – Nice little run by Bloom and … OH! He wipes out a coach on the Ravens sidelines as he goes out of bounds. Take that, assistant ball washer. Yeah.

8:11 – TE Brent Celek catches a five-yard pass and turns it into a 32-yard gain. Maybe I made fun of him too quickly.

Nah.

8:14 – “Akers with a 23-yard attempt, it’s spotted, it’s up, and it’s good.” Thank gawd.

8:16 – With 2:10 left in the half, the Eagles take their first time out. If you were wondering if this was real football, you now have your answer.

8:18 – So I’m not going to get to see this Aussie punter, am I?

8:20 – I just saw Broderick Bunkley for the third time … this time getting beat badly on a QB scramble. Now things feel a little more normal.

8:27 – Here’s the first Kevin Kolb sighting, and his first play is … complete! To Greg Lewis! And a roughing the passer call, waived off by a offensive pass interference call! Welcome to the bigs, kid.

8:28 – OK, so his first official preseason play is a 16-yard sack. That’s much more memorable. Mercifully, that takes us to the half, with the good guys down 13-3.

8:41 – And welcome back for the second half. The Eagles had nearly 7 times as many passing yards as rushing yards. I am shocked, just shocked.

8:42 – Now at QB for the Ravens, Heisman trophy winner Troy Smith, who was drafted in the fifth round, about 96 spots after Kolb. On third and 11, he scrambles up the middle for 12. Didn’t see Kolb do that.

8:46 – The Denver-San Fran game is 10-7 in the first quarter. Why aren’t we watching that? Oh, yeah, I didn’t become a front running 49ers fan in the 80s with everyone else. My mistake.

8:47 – Now it’s 14-10, Denver. Damn.

8:51 – Ryan Moats with his second nice play in a row. Remember two years ago, when he scored three TDs in two games and ran all over the Giants? Didn’t you think he might turn into … something?

8:53 – Finally, Aussie punter Sav Rocca takes the field and unleashes … a 34-yard-punt. Ugh. That’s 2-for-3 on the punt-o-meter by Dirk Johnson, and 0-for-1 from the new guy.

8:56 – Ravens WR #16, who isn’t even listed on the official team roster, drops a pass that hits him in the numbers. He’s cut.

8:58 – Somebody was asking for $3,000 for a pair of tickets on the field at the 50 yard line. For this? Troy Smith’s mom doesn’t care that much.

9:00 – After three quick lousy plays, Rocca is back on the field and .. that was a little better. But I was promised 70 yard punts. My faith in Australia has been shaken. Lousy crooks.

9:06 – Halfway through the third, and the leading rushers in the game are QB Boller for the Ravens (20 yards) and QB Feeley for the Eagles (8 yards). But there’s still a lot of football – or whatever this is – left to play.

9:10 – Lemme ask you something – are the Ravens going to cut Matt Stover, their franchise kicker since 1991? No? Then why are you having him kick 50-yard field goals in the pre-season? He’s made two so far, by the way.

9:15 – So much for getting re-excited about Ryan Moats, huh? Looks like a 10-week fractured ankle to me.

9:19 – FB Nate Ilaoa is a fat, fat man. Do you think at dinner he uses a trough like old Andy used to do, or does he use a giant tarp like the new thin Andy does?

9:21 – Celek has four catches for 59 yards. Huh.

9:22 – First I see bald Donovan, now I see a fumble right into the arms of the Ravens. I’m afraid if I turn around I’ll see crown molding falling off the wall.

9:25 – As Bloom fair catches for the fourth time in a row, Merril tells me this is “a typical preseason game, with some positives and some negatives.” Not sure what the positives are. I guess McNabb hasn’t tossed any interceptions, so that’s good.

9:31 – Let’s rip through the 4th, shall we: There’s a 65-yard put by Rocca (finally), a few interesting WR plays by Bloom, and 13 more points by the Ravens. Oh, and Mike Quick just loves that Kevin Kolb.

Finally tallies: Five sacks surrendered, no sacks recorded, and under 20 rushing yards. They line ‘em up again on Friday, kids. We’ll try to keep the rage down until then.

Why was Mike crying?

Did you see the Hall of Fame ceremonies this weekend? Were you wondering why Michael Irvin was blubbering like a little girl? This photo from when he got back home in Texas should shed some light for you:


Clearly, he was upset because he was hungry, and they don't serve his favorite meal in Canton.

Yes, in case you forgot, Michael Irvin eats children