Watching football at Fort Awesome

To help get you ready for the regular season, I’m chronicling what to expect the next time we’re over watching the games.

We’ve got our TV muted with the Baltimore broadcast and our Sirius radio blaring out Merrill Reese in perfect synch with the picture, so it’s time to welcome back …A.J. Feeley? Whatever, it’s still football.

7:01 – Why thank you, Dick Stockton, for the welcome back. What’s that you say, Daryl Johnson? “McGahee plays into the Ravens new philosophy of getting the offense and defense to play together.” I believe that’s a five-yard penalty for too many men on the field. Idiot. Glad to see he’s in mid-season form.

7:06 – The first play from scrimmage is … a pass. What a shock.

7:09 – As Andy Reid curses after a delay of game penalty, Lt. Col. Awesome over here offers her first commentary: “He’s hungry! Hurry up the play, I’ve gotta eat somebody!”

7:15 – So suddenly they can stop the run and can’t stop the pass. If you were wondering if this was real football, you now have your answer.

7:21 – Steve McNair chucks one into the ground behind the line of scrimmage to avoid a sack and … no flag. So the refs are in mid-season form too…

7:22 – And that non-call allows McNair to complete a nice strike in the back of the end zone for the game’s first TD. I know it doesn’t matter, but grrrrrrrrrrrr.

7:24 – The “sum-sum-summertime” commercial on the radio just synched up very creepily with a Viagra commercial.

7:28 – Merril: “Westbrook rumbles for 30 yards with his classic dip-dee-do.”
Quick: “OK, time to take him out now.”
My thoughts exactly. And look, here comes Iron Knees Buckhalter, right on cue.

7:31 – Akers just shanked a field goal … because Dirk Johnson mishandled the snap. I know we’ve already got four QBs on the roster, but can you look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want Koy Detmer back just for this reason?

7:34 – And here comes the Ravens second string offense. Boy, those $60 tickets are really worth the show.

7:35 – We have a Broderick Bunkley sighting. Please take all appropriate precautions.

7:37 – Jeremy Bloom just caught a punt cleanly AND ran forward afterwards. Can you do that? Reno Mahe usually goes down much quicker.

7:38 – A commercial for the Dan Patrick show just featured the soon-departing ESPN host saying “Would you like Mike to nibble on your ear? Would you like Mike to eat your children?” He was talking about Tyson, but you know he really meant Irvin.

7:42 – The second quarter opens with … a pass attempt (which results in a sack.) I’m sensing a theme.

7:43 – On 3rd and 23, Merrill just said “it’s third and Landover.” We missed him all summer long.

7:45 – Dirk Johnson so far: one great punt, one crappy punt. Aussie hero punter so far: nothing.

7:47 – ESPN has a gamecast of this game. Huh. I knew we should have done a pre-season fantasy football league.

7:49 – We have a second Broderick Bunkley sighting. Please take all appropriate precautions.

7:50 – Matt Stover hits a 50-yard-field goal, which sets the wife screaming about Koy Detmer for the third time so far. Now she’s yelling at G for not keeping a Detmer in reserve for just this situation. She’s even offering to pay to build a new one if necessary.

7:54 – There are 10 different active players who have more than 75 career sacks? I did not know that. Thank you, Ravens Television Network. Next time tell me who they are.

7:56 – WR Greg Lewis with a four-yard catch. I was pretty sure we had him put down last year. Why didn’t we?

8:02 – Ravens’ QB Kyle Boller just got destroyed by LB Matt McCoy. And most of the crowd cheered. He’s really not very good.

8:07 – “The problem,” the wife says, “is that listening Merrill eliminates most of your best material.” So I guess this isn’t very funny so far. And it’s almost 700 words.

8:08 – Nice little run by Bloom and … OH! He wipes out a coach on the Ravens sidelines as he goes out of bounds. Take that, assistant ball washer. Yeah.

8:11 – TE Brent Celek catches a five-yard pass and turns it into a 32-yard gain. Maybe I made fun of him too quickly.

Nah.

8:14 – “Akers with a 23-yard attempt, it’s spotted, it’s up, and it’s good.” Thank gawd.

8:16 – With 2:10 left in the half, the Eagles take their first time out. If you were wondering if this was real football, you now have your answer.

8:18 – So I’m not going to get to see this Aussie punter, am I?

8:20 – I just saw Broderick Bunkley for the third time … this time getting beat badly on a QB scramble. Now things feel a little more normal.

8:27 – Here’s the first Kevin Kolb sighting, and his first play is … complete! To Greg Lewis! And a roughing the passer call, waived off by a offensive pass interference call! Welcome to the bigs, kid.

8:28 – OK, so his first official preseason play is a 16-yard sack. That’s much more memorable. Mercifully, that takes us to the half, with the good guys down 13-3.

8:41 – And welcome back for the second half. The Eagles had nearly 7 times as many passing yards as rushing yards. I am shocked, just shocked.

8:42 – Now at QB for the Ravens, Heisman trophy winner Troy Smith, who was drafted in the fifth round, about 96 spots after Kolb. On third and 11, he scrambles up the middle for 12. Didn’t see Kolb do that.

8:46 – The Denver-San Fran game is 10-7 in the first quarter. Why aren’t we watching that? Oh, yeah, I didn’t become a front running 49ers fan in the 80s with everyone else. My mistake.

8:47 – Now it’s 14-10, Denver. Damn.

8:51 – Ryan Moats with his second nice play in a row. Remember two years ago, when he scored three TDs in two games and ran all over the Giants? Didn’t you think he might turn into … something?

8:53 – Finally, Aussie punter Sav Rocca takes the field and unleashes … a 34-yard-punt. Ugh. That’s 2-for-3 on the punt-o-meter by Dirk Johnson, and 0-for-1 from the new guy.

8:56 – Ravens WR #16, who isn’t even listed on the official team roster, drops a pass that hits him in the numbers. He’s cut.

8:58 – Somebody was asking for $3,000 for a pair of tickets on the field at the 50 yard line. For this? Troy Smith’s mom doesn’t care that much.

9:00 – After three quick lousy plays, Rocca is back on the field and .. that was a little better. But I was promised 70 yard punts. My faith in Australia has been shaken. Lousy crooks.

9:06 – Halfway through the third, and the leading rushers in the game are QB Boller for the Ravens (20 yards) and QB Feeley for the Eagles (8 yards). But there’s still a lot of football – or whatever this is – left to play.

9:10 – Lemme ask you something – are the Ravens going to cut Matt Stover, their franchise kicker since 1991? No? Then why are you having him kick 50-yard field goals in the pre-season? He’s made two so far, by the way.

9:15 – So much for getting re-excited about Ryan Moats, huh? Looks like a 10-week fractured ankle to me.

9:19 – FB Nate Ilaoa is a fat, fat man. Do you think at dinner he uses a trough like old Andy used to do, or does he use a giant tarp like the new thin Andy does?

9:21 – Celek has four catches for 59 yards. Huh.

9:22 – First I see bald Donovan, now I see a fumble right into the arms of the Ravens. I’m afraid if I turn around I’ll see crown molding falling off the wall.

9:25 – As Bloom fair catches for the fourth time in a row, Merril tells me this is “a typical preseason game, with some positives and some negatives.” Not sure what the positives are. I guess McNabb hasn’t tossed any interceptions, so that’s good.

9:31 – Let’s rip through the 4th, shall we: There’s a 65-yard put by Rocca (finally), a few interesting WR plays by Bloom, and 13 more points by the Ravens. Oh, and Mike Quick just loves that Kevin Kolb.

Finally tallies: Five sacks surrendered, no sacks recorded, and under 20 rushing yards. They line ‘em up again on Friday, kids. We’ll try to keep the rage down until then.