2010 fantasy recap, week 12

On Monday the NFL meted out its punishment against Titans CB Cortland Finnegan and Texans WR Andre Johnson for their violent fistfight during the final minutes of Sunday's contest (both men were ejected from the game). The verdict? A $25,000 fine and no suspension. A week earlier Raiders DE Richard Seymour sucker punched Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger and drew an ejection and a $25,000 fine, but no suspension.

Here's a list of more dangerous and detrimental offenses in recent years that drew larger punishments than open, WWE-style fighting on the football field:

** February 2007: Bears LB Brian Urlacher fined $100,000 for wearing a VitaminWater hat during a media session (they're not an official NFL sponsor).
** November 2010: Eagles CB Asante Samuel fined $40,000 for making a hard tackle on a wideout who caught a pass.
** December 2009: Bengals WR Chad Johnson fined $30,000 for wearing a sombrero on the sidelines after scoring a touchdown.
** September 2010: Roethlisberger suspended for five games for being accused -- but not charged or convicted of -- an off-field crime.
** August 2010: Buccaneers CB Aquib Talib suspended for one game for punching a cab driver in an off-field incident.
** November 2010: Jets LB Bart Scott fined $30,000 for not buckling his chin strap properly.

So, remember, punching other players is OK. Just make sure you do it on national TV, and you're wearing the right sponsors' gear when you do it.

QB: Tom Brady, 37.74 pts – sitting on my bench
RB: Peyton Hillis, 41.30 pts – started by NewMike
WR: Dwayne Bowe, 42.33 pts – started by ChampMike
TE: Jacob Tamme, 17.27 pts – started by Dad
K: Nate Kaeding, 20.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: New York Jets, 27.00 pts – sitting on my bench
D: Kevin Burnlett, 13.50 pts – started by Joel

For the record, my starters did manage to outscore my bench, but it was close. The 12 guys I started scored 136 pts, and the seven bench spots I had totaled 100 pts. Maybe one of these weeks I’ll get it right….

By the way, Bowe had eight catches for 120 yards and two TDs in the first half of the Chief’s game against Seattle. If you’re ever running a football team and someone puts those numbers up against you, triple-cover him in the second half. Quadruple-cover him. Put everyone on the defense in front of that one guy. Let everyone else beat you, but make sure you at least figure out how to cover that one guy.

Seattle didn’t do that, and Bowe had five more catches for 50 yards and a TD in the second half. He accounted for more than half of his team’s catches and 72 percent of the Chief’s receiving yards in the game. Take the hint already, guys.

"AFC players" edition
3rd Place: Rusty Smith, -0.48 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd Place: Marcel Reece, -0.93 pts -- sitting on the wire
1st Place: Andre Caldwell, -2.00 pts -- sitting on the wire

Rusty Smith, who is the Titans' starting QB now and not a little-known plumber's tool, threw three picks and no TDs in Sunday's loss to the Texans, giving him a QB rating on the day of 26.7 (also known as "worse than you had" on Sunday). And yet two guys were still even worse than him.

By the way, on the season the worst fantasy player is still Bears QB Todd Collins, who accumulated -7.28 pts in two appearances this season.

A quick look at this weekend's heartbreaking losses, with analysis of which fans should feel the worst today:

** Maryland Racial Slurs (lost 17-13 to the Vikings)
Game: The Racial Slurs trailed for all of the second half, but appeared to take the lead on a 77-yard punt return TD in the fourth quarter ... only to see it called back on an illegal block.
Analysis: Meh. At 5-6, the Washington-ish squad is only slightly better than the 4-7 Vikings. It barely even counts as an upset.

** Dallas Cowboys (lost 30-27 to the Saints)
Game: The boys rallied from a 17-point first quarter deficit to grab a lead in the fourth, only to give up the game-losing TD with under two minutes in the game and miss a 58-yard FG in the final seconds to seal the defeat.
Analysis: Depressing. But the playoff-bound Saints were heavily favored in the game, and the 3-8 Cowboys should be used to this by now.

** Buffalo Bills (lost 19-16 to the Steelers)
Game: The Bills sent the game into overtime with a last-second FG, and had their star wideout open in the end zone in the extra period. But he dropped the potential game winning score, and Pittsburgh won moments later.
Analysis: Mind-numbing. The Bills could have used a win over one of the league's top teams as a inspiration point for next year. Now, they have to re-teach their WRs how to catch.

** Carolina Panthers (24-23 loss to the Browns)
Game: Carolina trailed nearly the whole game until the fourth, when they took the lead on a late FG. The Browns responded with a FG of their own to retake the lead, but in the waning seconds the Panthers drove down to the 25-yard line ... only to bounce the game-winning FG off an upright.
Analysis: Suicidal. The Browns are a terrible team, but it take a special kind of terrible to match Carolina's 1-10 record.

Last Wednesday, a reporter asked Titans RB Chris Johnson how important it was to defend his rushing title this season (going into the weekend, he trailed Texans RB Arian Foster by about 100 yards). His response?

"It's very important to me. That's one of my goals. I can't worry about what he's doing. I just go to keep worrying about myself and hopefully at the end I'll be the leader. At the end of the day, I just worry about my job and just continue to put up numbers myself."

Two issues with that:

1 -- If it's one of your goals to be the top rusher in the league, maybe you should worry about what the other guys are doing. That's kind of the point.

2 -- If the rushing title is very important to you, maybe you should do better than seven yards on five carries. Foster, who was playing against Johnson's Titans, picked up 143 yards.

The San Francisco 49ers lost Pro-Bowl RB Frank Gore on Monday night, but their running game didn't miss a beat. That's thanks to a 23-carry, 136-yard performance by long-lost Eagles RB Brian Westbrook, who said afterwards he knew he still had some great football left to play.

Here are a few other unlikely comebacks by former birds you could see in coming weeks:

** Trailing by 10 late in the fourth, the Vikings steal a remarkable victory thanks to a pair of TD receptions by sixth-string WR Hank Baskett.
** Rams rookie QB goes down with a leg injury early in the first half, but the team rallies for a 20-point win behind a 300-yard passing day by QB A.J. Feeley.
** In a key match-up with division rival Pittsburgh, the Cleveland Browns score a 27-19 upset victory on a last-minute 98-yard interception TD by CB Sheldon Brown.
** Repeating his greatness from his Philadelphia days, WR Terrell Owens collects 120 yards receiving and two TDs ... while his Bengals lose again and remain in last place.

The Eagles this Thursday start a rare two-week set against the same state, squaring off against the Texans this week and the Cowboys the next. I usually use this space to expose the evil of the Dallas crew, but I wondered if Houston's relative proximity to that pit of wickedness has any effect on their souls. The result?

The Lone Star State's Houston Texans and Dallas Cowboys
** Lousy Texas has two bad clans, no talent, no heart. Tossed.

With a combined record of 8-14 this year, that's hard to argue against.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Big weeks by the two Mikes again vault them forward, and Bob has finally been unseated as the leader of the pack. But, with five weeks left and fewer than 200 pts between fifth and first, don't count anyone out yet.

Except Anthony. Feel free to count him out.

** Dad and I split our picks this week, thanks to Colts QB Peyton Manning's inexplicable meltdown against the Chargers Sunday night. Let that be a lesson to all of you -- never rely on a Manning for anything.

** The Eagles play on Thursday night this week and Sunday night next week. In other news, I'm already tired from staying up too late to watch those games.

** The big stories this week: WR Andre Johnson gets in a fight, RB Chris Johnson lays an egg, WR Steve Johnson drops the game-winning pass for the Bills, NASCAR driver Jimmie Johnson wins his fifth championship in a row. Next week maybe we'll move on to a few Joneses.

2010 fantasy recap, week 11

** The players' union hasn't gone on strike yet, so there's still football on Thursday.
** The Eagles beat both Peyton and Eli Manning in consecutive weeks.
** QB Brett Favre came back for another season ... and is playing terrible.
** No matter what else changes, the Lions still stink.
** Nine safeties recorded so far this year.
** QB Donovan McNabb has made Washington a better team, but they're still not very good.
** The Cowboys are on their longest winning streak of the year ... and they're 3-7.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 40.50 pts -- sitting on Joel's bench
RB: Arian Foster, 28.33 pts -- started by Joel
WR: Greg Jennings, 35.13 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Joel Dreessen, 17.07 pts -- sitting on the wire
K: Graham Gano, 16.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 25.00 pts -- started by Joel
D: Abram Elam, 16.00 pts -- sitting on the wire

Honestly, if your name isn't Joel, you didn't need to read that section.

"Totally defensive" edition
2nd Place: St. Louis, -1.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd Place: Arizona, -1.00 pts -- sitting on Dad's bench
1st Place: Oakland, -2.00 pts -- started by Paul

Paul started the worst player in the league for the third time this year. Two times is bad coaching. Three? That's just rotten luck. FYI, four is destiny.

Random sports facts from the week presented to you for discussion:

** In the last month, Tennessee beat Philadelphia by 18, Philadelphia beat Washington 31, and Washington beat Tennessee by 3.

** Panthers' cornerback Captain Munnerlyn is not one of Carolina's defensive captains.

** Last Thursday, the Bears/Dolphins game featured 16 points (Bears won 16-0). The same night, the Flyers/Lightning game featured 15 points (Lightning won 8-7).

** Eagles CB Asante Samuel not only made a tackle in Monday night's game, he got a 15-yard penalty for making too violent of a tackle. I know, it's hard to believe.

** Bodog.com is already accepting bets for whether the Super Bowl coin toss is heads or tails. A $1 bet on either wins you $1.05 if you're correct.

During the college football scoreboard update on Saturday, talking head Rece Davis dropped this gem:

"The LSU Tigers, playing for their lives and to keep their slim championship hopes alive, trail in this game to Ole Miss."

I'm all for hyperbole, but I need you to study that line again. He's not just saying that they need to win to keep pace in the BCS standings -- that's the second thing they're playing for. They're playing for that AND their lives. If he had said "playing for their BCS lives" or "playing for their football lives" or even "playing for their lives" without the second phrase, it's just an exaggeration. But, the way he said it, the only way to read it is that the LSU team would have been executed if they lost on Saturday.

Unfortunately, we'll never know the truth, since the Tigers won on Saturday. To celebrate, they executed Rece Davis.
Indisputable, empirical evidence that Eli Manning is a terrible QB.

** In each of his seven years in the league, Eli has had more interceptions and fumbles than TDs ... except in 2009, when he had 27 TDs against 27 fumbles and INTs.

** He's without question only the third best quarterback in his family, and might be the fourth best -- His brother Cooper was an all-state football player in high school, but a spinal condition forced him out of the game.

** Sunday's three INT game was the 30th time (out of 98 games) he has thrown two or more picks in a contest.

** Since he took over as starting QB of the Giants, the team has never won a single playoff game (except for the four they won in 2007).

** He just looks so dopey all the time.

This Thursday marks Thanksgiving (or, as most people know it, November Draftsgiving) which means lots of food and football for most Americans. And, just like the dining room table, there's always one dish on the NFL schedule that leave you feeling a little sick in the stomach. But, don't take my word for it -- just take a look at what the letters in the TV Guide really spell out:

Annual Thanksgiving Dinner with the Dallas Cowboys
** Buns thaw, snot-nosed villains wreck holiday night again

On the bright side, if you have a toaster oven you can do something about those soggy dinner rolls. Not much you can do about those soggy Dallas linemen, though.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

A huge week by reigning champ NewMike (191 pts) vaults him into the top four, but an even bigger week by ChampMike (193 pts) puts him just a dozen points behind Bobert, who hasn't seen a serious threat in over a month. It's still anybody's game, so don't forget to set your rosters by Thursday morning.

** A special thanks to Jaguars RB Maurice Jones Drew this week. His last-minute 75-yard reception and 1-yard TD run in Jacksonville's win not only handed me an extra 13.70 pts in my other fantasy league, it also gave me another game up on Dad in our weekly picks. He's two back now.

** Text exchange between myself and G on Sunday night:
-- G, you at the game?
## No, I'm at home watching it on my new 50-inch plasma.
-- Nice. Sorry you have to see Eli that big.
## That's OK. The newer sets let you turn down the dopey.

** In case you missed it, yes, Philly fans did boo when the wrecking ball leveling the beloved Spectrum didn't work fast enough. Here's the link.

2010 fantasy recap, week 10

A short list of teams who scored fewer points in four quarters this week than Eagles QB Mike Vick had in the first half alone on Monday night:

** Vick -- 30 pts (Five TDs in the first half)
** Dolphins -- 29 pts
** Chiefs -- 29 pts
** Redskins -- 28 pts
** Bears -- 27 pts
** Jets -- 26 pts
** Steelers -- 26 pts
** Falcons -- 26 pts
** Texans -- 24 pts
** Colts -- 23 pts
** 49ers -- 23 pts
** Ravens -- 21 pts
** Rams -- 20 pts
** Browns -- 20 pts
** Giants -- 20 pts
** Cardinals -- 18 pts
** Titans -- 17 pts
** Bengals -- 17 pts
** Panthers -- 16 pts
** Bills -- 14 pts
** Vikings -- 13 pts
** Lions -- 12 pts

Vick became the first QB ever to pass for three TDs and rush for two more in the first half of a game. His first two quarters bested all but six other teams in the league this weekend, and actually totaled more scoring than the entire output of the Bills' 14-12 win over the Lions.

Oh, he also outscored the rest of the Eagles, 36 to 23.

QB: Mike Vick, 57.37 pts -- sitting on my bench
RB: Keiland Williams, 34.23 pts -- sitting on the wire
WR: Dwayne Bowe, 37.40 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 27.80 pts -- started by Joel
K: Olindo Mare, 19.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
DEF: Indianapolis, 22.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
D: Dimitri Patterson, 13.50 pts -- sitting on the wire

OK, let's get this out of the way. This week, my starters collected 138 pts. And, mostly thanks to Vick, my backups totaled 142 pts. Played right, I could have topped 200 pts this week, but instead I left an incredible 70-plus pts on my bench. So, I bestow myself the Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week, ironically on the one week where he didn't blow a single call.

"All defenses" edition
3rd Place: Arizona, -2.00 pts -- started by Jeff
2nd Place: Washington, -5.00 pts -- sitting on Joel's bench
1st Place: Kansas City, -6.00 pts -- started by Jim

Kansas City posts the worst score possible on the week, recording no sacks or turnovers and allowing 49 points to the Broncos. Washington actually gave up 10 more points but recorded one sack, providing for their much better performance.

Sunday was a great day for Heisman Trophy winners -- 2008 recipient Sam Bradford and 2006 recipient Troy Smith battled into overtime of the Rams/49ers game, and 2007 winner Tim Tebow scored two TDs in Denver's big win over the Chiefs. How'd the other college greats do?

** Carson Palmer (2002 Heisman) -- threw 2 TDs but 3 INTs in the Bengals' loss to the Colts. In other words, he had a typical Heisman day.
** Matt Leinart (2004 Heisman) -- ably handled the clipboard as the third-string QB in the Texans loss to the Jaguars.
** Ricky Williams (1998 Heisman) -- lost a fumble in the Dolphins win over the Titans, but was not arrested for drug possession.
** Eric Crouch (2001 Heisman) -- offered commentary on the college football landscape on Versus, the Carolina Panthers of TV sports. Seriously.
** Reggie Bush (2005 Heisman) -- spent the Saints' bye week thinking about why he had to return his Heisman in shame.
** Ty Detmer (1990 Heisman) -- threw an interception to someone. Probably.

If you missed the Thursday night game on the NFL Network, consider yourself lucky. The broadcast featured the worst possible combination of commentators possible: Joe Theismann, who took one too many shots to the head during his playing career, and Matt Millen, who built the worst football team in NFL history (the 0-16 2007 Lions).

Here's just one example of how the conversation went all night long: After a flag was thrown in the third quarter while Atlanta was driving the ball down the field, both men chimed in:

Thiesmann: That flag is going to be an illegal lineman downfield. (Falcons QB) Matt Ryan held onto the ball too long, and that let his lineman get too far downfield.

Ref: Personal foul, defense (Ravens). Illegal hands to the face.

Millen: I think it's a personal foul on the Ravens.

Theismann: You might be right.

For the record, I think that was the only thing Millen got right all evening.

Actual votes you can make on the NFL's Pro Bowl voting site, with player stats provided as a courtesy by me:

NFC QB: Max Hall, Cardinals
YTD Stats -- 360 yds, 1 TD, 5 INTs, 41 QB rating

NFC RB: Reggie Bush, Saints
YTD Stats -- 18 rushing, 36 receiving yds, 0 TDs

AFC WR: Brian Robiskie, Browns
YTD Stats -- 9 catches, 81 receiving yards, 0 TDs

AFC TE: Brody Eldridge, Colts
YTD Stats -- 3 catches, 23 yards, 0 TDs

AFC Kicker: Ryan Lindell, Bills
YTD Stats -- 9 of 13 FGs, one missed XP

The Cowboys got their second win of the year on Sunday, embarrassing the Giants in New Jersey. Pundits credited the surprise performance to their new head coach, former offensive coordinator Jason Garrett. So, can he keep the momentum going? According to the letters in his name ... no.

New Dallas head coach Jason Garrett
** A cad, hotheads jeer. Wrong call, Satan. **

Not too many people know that Satan has hiring power within the Cowboys organization. Actually, he's mostly a figurehead within the company, but he does offer some personnel suggestions.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Another 160-plus-point week by Bobert pushes him further into the lead. Can he be stopped? Or is he the New Jersey Giants of our league, just waiting for a good punch in the nose?

Please, please do not confuse that analogy and punch Bob in the nose.

** Big week for me in the picks against Dad -- I swept all three we had different, giving me a one-game edge for the year thus far. That's what you call a comeback, folks. Still seven weeks of football left, though.

** FYI, the week after I said the Panthers wouldn't win a game this season, they won their first game of the year. Last week, I handicapped the Bills' uphill path to win a game this season, and on Sunday they won their first. I'm perfectly wrong with all my predictions. That's good enough to work for ESPN as an analyst.

** How good is NL Cy Young winner Roy Halladay? Well, he was the unanimous selection for the award, and the voting took place before the playoffs. So, everyone thought he deserved the award before pitching the second no-hitter in post-season history. That's good.

2010 fantasy recap, week 9

Think you know the NFL? Miss the excitement of 4th-grade spelling bees? Now is your chance to combine them both, by taking an NFL spelling test:

1. Lions DT
Ndamukong Suh Ndumukon Shu
Ndum UkongSuhNed damn them kids Sue

2. Chargers WR
Sieh AirotojuSeyi Ajirotutu
Sae Jaijitoju See Airy Tutu

3. Eagles LB
Moises Fokou Moises Focou
Moise Fokou Asante Samuel

4. Jets CB
James Hiedibgo James Ihedigbo
James Idefigho Jimmy Kwyjibo

5. Cowboys coach
Wade Phillips John Gruden
Jerry Jones Some other loser

Scoring table:
4-5: Go read a book
0-3: Perfectly aceptable speling
under 0: Wade Phillips

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 33.66 pts – started by Bobert
RB: Peyton Hillis, 33.80 pts – started by NewMike
WR: Terrell Owens, 31.90 pts – started by Bobert
TE: Jacob Tamme, 24.20 pts – started by Dad
K: David Akers, 15.00 pts – started by ChampMike
DEF: Green Bay, 30.00 pts – started by ChampMike
D: Clay Matthews, 12.50 pts – started by Jim

Ladies and gentlemen, congrats. For the first time all year (and for only the second time I can remember) you fine fantasy freaks started all of the top performers in each position. Nevermind that most of the work was done by Bobert and ChampMike. This is a time of celebration for all. In my book, all of this league's coaches are as perfect as the 2007 Patriots.

“Picking on Paul” edition

3rd place: Nick Miller, 0.90 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Brian Hoyer, -2.10 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Seattle, -4.00 pts – started by Paul

That's the second week in a row Paul has started the worst player in the game, and he's cost himself -5.50 pts in the process. Anthony took the more responsible route this week, opting not to start a defensive player for fear of following Paul's example. And it worked -- in the end, his inaction scored him zero pts.

While most of the sports world was watching the Cowboys lose (and the Eagles win, I guess), the MLB offseason has gotten underway. And just this week the Phillies announced that they'll be raising ticket prices by at least $2 on every seat in the park next season.

This year more than 3.6 million fans passed through Citizens Bank Park's turnstyles, meaning the price increase will bring in at least $7.2 million more next season. What can the Phillies get with that kind of money?

** Chargers RB Darren Sproles (currently on a one-year, $7.2 million contract)
** 12,000 Pete Rose rookie cards ($600 each)
** 1,460 years of Phillies season tickets ($4,962 each).
** 1.5 percent of Lincoln Financial Field ($512 million value)
** One more year of OF Jason Werth? Please?

When Joe Paterno won his 400th game for Penn State on Saturday, many in the crowd were decked out with JoPa costumes and signs congratulating him. Coming out of a commercial break in the fourth, the TV cameras zoomed in on one that read:

Always Been a Champion -- thanks Coach Paterno!

That's always the easiest way to get on TV: spell out the network's letters on your sign. Only one problem, however.

Saturday's game was covered nationally on ESPN2, not ABC.

So, answer me this question: Is it stupider that someone brought an "ABC" sign to an ESPN game, or that ESPN decided to show off the sign?

After Sunday's heartbreaking 22-19 loss to the Bears, the Buffalo Bills' record sits at 0-8. Can they make history by running the rest of the table, or will they screw up and accidentally win a game? Here's a look at the rest of their schedule:

Week 10: Vs. Lions
** Probably the Bills' best remaining chance at a win. The Lions star QB went down with an injury last week, and poor coaching helped them lose a game where they led by 10 points with three minutes left.

Week 13: At Vikings
** If Brett Farve isn't dead by this game, the Bills probably don't have a shot to win. But the money in Vegas has the ancient windbag going down by week 12, so there's still hope.

Week 14: Vs. Browns
** The Patriots beat the Bills by 8 earlier this year. The Browns beat the Patriots by 20 on Sunday. The Browns should beat the Bills by 28.

Week 17: At Jets
** By this point, the Jets will probably have their wild card berth locked up. So, maybe they'll be starting QB Vinny Testaverde instead of Mark Sanchez.

The Cowboys signed CB Bryan McCann to the active squad this week to cover for some lingering injuries, and he got the start on special teams Sunday night. So, now that he officially has a game under his belt, what does his name say about what it's like to play for Dallas right now?

Dallas Cowboys kick return specialist Bryan McCann
** Club stinks. Cynics scorn. Take me away. RIP, sad cornball cur.

Wow. I knew things were bad in big D, but I didn't know folks were contemplating suicide. Ouch.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Bob and ChampMike continue to pull away from the field, while Dad is stalking me for the bronze medal spot. And what's Joel doing way the heck up there in the standings? That's like the Browns upsetting the Patriots. That didn't really happen, did it?

** Dad and I split the week yet again, leaving me two down for the year. But, Dad incorrectly picked the Colts winning over the Eagles this week, so there's no pride in his continued lead.

** First Thursday night game of the year is this week, on Thursday. Remember to set your rosters early. Don't come crying to me if you forget. I warned you.

** FYI, Phillies P Roy Halladay should receive his third Cy Young award later this week. In anticipation of that, the internationally respected Onion newspaper ran an editorial by him today offering his advice on how to be successful in life: Learn how to throw a baseball really, really well.

** Dallas plays the Giants this week. They could easily be 1-8. Am I dreaming? This must be a dream, right?

2010 fantasy recap, week 8

The Vikings on Monday made the surprising decision to cut WR Randy Moss just four weeks after trading for him (I hope that third-round pick was worth his 13 catches and two TDs). Moss sits in sixth place on the NFL’s all-time receiving yards list and second on the all-time receiving TDs list, but has been known for a host of off-the-field issues. So, where could he end up next?

** Cincinnati Bengals: If they were willing to put T.O. and Chad Johnson on the same team, how could Randy Moss create a bigger distraction?

** New England Patriots: Don’t discount the possibility that this was all an elaborate Bill Belichick ruse to rent out his star WR for two weeks.

** Omaha Nighthawks: The independent United Football League? Hey, QB Jeff Garcia, RB Ahman Green and RB Maurice Clarett are on their active roster.

** Birmingham Barons: Nah, it’d be ridiculous for star from another sport to sign with the Chicago White Sox’ minor league baseball team and expect to succeed.

** St. Louis Rams: The Rams are a slightly less talented version of the Omaha Nighthawks.

** Philadelphia Eagles: And they’ll start him at quarterback.

QB: David Garrard, 38.60 pts -- sitting on Jim's bench
RB: Arian Foster, 29.53 pts -- started by Joel
WR: Calvin Johnson, 33.73 pts -- started by Bobert
TE: Jason Whitten, 22.47 pts -- started by NewMike
K: Dan Carpenter, 19.00 pts -- started by Jim
DEF: Green Bay, 23.00 pts -- started by ChampMike
D: Ndamukong Suh, 14.00 pts -- sitting on the wire

Jim also lost his start WR from last week, Kenny Britt, to an injury on Sunday. So, please send your condolence cards directly to him.

"All around crappy" edition
3rd Place: Sammie Stroughter, -0.42 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd Place: Minnesota, -1.00 pts -- sitting on NewMike's bench
1st Place: David Gettis, -1.10 pts -- started by Paul

Surprisingly not on the list? Maryland Racial Slurs QB Rex Grossman, who was worth -0.21 fantasy pts this week but worth -6 points in real life. On his first play of the game, late in the fourth quarter, Grossman was sacked, fumbled the ball, and watched helplessly from the ground as the Lions returned it for a TD.

For the record, Paul started the worst player of the week, and Jeff forgot to start a defensive player yet again.

First, the NFL: On Sunday, the Bills and Chiefs went into overtime, had a little back and forth, missed two field goals, and then the Chiefs kicked a game-winning 35-yard FG with no time left on the clock. Yawn.

Compare that to the Florida-Georgia college football game the night before. In college football, both teams get to put their offense on the field, starting at the 25 yard line, and they keep playing until one team outscores the other. Georgia was up first, and on third down from the 25 they threw an awful pick that was returned 89 yards by a Florida CB to the opposite four-yard line. So Florida took over possession.

At their 25 yard line, of course.

If the cornerback had scored, the game would have been over, with Florida winning by six. But, since the pick was merely a 89-yard change of possession, Florida's offense got the ball at the 25, as the rules dictate.

Gotta love any situation where a team returns a ball almost the entire length of the field and gets nothing for it. Florida won, by the way, on a short field goal.

Take your pick of what was dumbest: Here's ESPN analyst and former Super Bowl coach John Gruden, during Monday night's game:

"I still believe this game is going to come down to scoring touchdowns in the red zone."
I guess it could come down to field goals from the 40 instead...

"I say send Vonte Leach to the beach! That's the Pro Bowl."
No, that's just awful rhyming.

"When Peyton Manning sees man to man, he takes shot plays at you. He goes for the throat."
I have no idea what that means.

Bets you should have made at the start of the season:

** Both Eagles QB Kevin Kolb and former Eagles QB Donovan McNabb will be sitting on the bench by week 9.

** Halfway through the season, the top WR in the league will be Broncos journeyman Brandon Lloyd.

** Saints RBs Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush won't top 175 rushing yards combined by week 8, but Chiefs RB Jamaal Charles will top 175 in week 8 alone.

** The Cowboys will start the year 1-6.

When QB Tony Romo went down last week, many pundits wondered if the team could rally back for a respectable season. All eyes turned to new Cowboys QB Jon Kitna, but after Sunday’s loss the experts should have been looking at the new backup QB, Stephen McGee. Why? Look at what his name clearly spells out:

Dallas Cowboys new backup Stephen McGee
** See capable play? We schmucks got owned. N.B. **

N.B., of course, is the Latin phrase “nota bene” or “note well.” That’s a surprising level of education for a Cowboys backup. Unfortunately, that book learning ain’t winning games right now for the boys.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Another good week for Bob pushes him further into first, while the residents here at Fort Awesome continue to tumble down the charts. And don't look now, but Jeff might be making a move ... if he can remember to set his roster.

** Hey, anybody know how that World Series is going? Did they start playing yet? Nah, I don't really care either.

** Dad and I split on the week, but I'm calling it a moral victory because the two I got right were the Lions over the Maryland Racial Slurs and the Jaguars over the Cowgirls. I feel like that deserves a bonus point or two.

** If you're online Tuesday night, you might as well stop over here to see my professional blogging life. I'm just saying, I could use the numbers.

** Don't forget to vote today ... for the top rookie player of the NFL's week 8. You can cast your critically important tally over at the NFL site. I think that's the only significant election today...