Fantasy recap, week 16

Top five reasons to boo Santa Claus this year






5 – The Cowboys, Giants and Redskins in the playoffs? C’mon.
4 – It’s tough to tell which big fat man is the good one and which big fat man refuses to run on third and short.
3 – Still bitter about that ridiculous muffed punt TD call in the Green Bay game
2 – Never got that wide receiver I asked for last year.
1 – It’s Santa; You don’t need a reason to boo someone who invades your home wearing Chiefs colors.

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Top Performers








QB: Kurt Warner, 32.44 pts – started by Joel
RB: Najeh Davenport, 29.33 pts – started by Joel
WR: Anquan Boldin, 35.80 pts – started by Mike
TE: Dallas Clark, 23.50 pts – sitting on Eric’s bench
DEF: Chicago, 31.00 pts – started by Joanna
K: Martin Gramatica, 14.00 pts – sitting on the wire
      Any time we get to see a little Gramatica on the field, it’s a Christmas miracle.

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Worst Performers, “Superstars” edition








Third place: Devin Hester, -0.02 pts – sitting on the wire
Second place: Willie Parker, -0.10 pts – started by Joanna
First place: Eli Manning, -3.56 pts – sitting on Mike’s bench
      In case you missed it, Eli had two picks, two fumbles and zero TDs in the Giants win (yes, win) over Buffalo on Sunday.
      For the year he has 19 TDs, 19 INTs, one rushing TD and 7 lost fumbles. For comparison’s sake, the entire Eagles team has 14 interceptions and 7 lost fumbles on the year. But I’m sure he’ll be clutch in the playoffs.

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Stupidest thing I read this week








      It was the TV Guide, telling me there was no football on Christmas.
      Who planned that? What’s more American than sitting down on Christmas afternoon, sipping on some eggnog and enjoying Boise State and East Carolina University square off in the American Foods Eggnog Bowl? What do they expect us to do on a holiday? Talk to family? Watch Dickens novels?
      Bah, I say. Christmas without football is like Thanksgiving without football. Or July 4th without football. Or Easter without football. Nobody even bothers to celebrate if there aren’t 350-pound lineman smacking into each other.

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One of these things is not like the others








** Bills: outscored by 97 points this year, 7-8 record
** Lions: outscored by 77 points this year, 7-8 record
** Cardinals: outscored by 28 points this year, 7-8 record
** Texans: outscored by 19 points this year, 7-8 record
** Titans: outscored by 2 points this year, 9-6 record
** Eagles: outscored their opponents by 28 points this year, 7-8 record.

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Cowboys anagram insult of the week








      I was gonna write an even longer missive about booing Santa – something deep and meaningful about how rejecting commercialism and worship of false idols should make Philly a model city for all societies – but I figured I’d give the old man a break and give him a chance to respond to the one item on my playoff wish list this year: “Not another Dallas win streak.”
      So imagine my surprise when jolly Old St. Nick took those letters and came back with this note the next morning:
      ** No Err: Santa wants T.O. killed. Ha!
      Frankly, Santa is starting to creep me out.

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For the record








** I’m in a Christmasy mood still, so no blown call of the week award this week. Next week, I’ll be extra Scroogie.
** When I announced that this football season could not have been worse, it took Dad about 30 seconds to correct me. “We could have lost to Dallas twice,” he said. So there’s that, I guess.

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Our standings so far








First place: I need linebackers, Paul – 2391.08 pts
Second place: Guliani’s 2nd Wife, Jim – 2140.81 pts
Third place: Updog, Neal – 2125.65 pts
      This is it, kids … if you’ve got some magic 300-point plan to unseat Paul, now is the time to do it. Otherwise, he’s walking home with the Awesome Cup.

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Fantasy recap, week 15

Things that are better than an Eagles win over Dallas late in the season










          Hold on, I'll think of something.

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Top Performers






** QB: Ben Rothelisberger 25.34 pts – started by Eric
** RB: Aaron Stecker, 28.57 pts – sitting on Dad’s bench
** WR: Roydell Williams, 22.27 pts – sitting on Dad’s bench
** TE: Tony Scheffler, 19.67 pts – started by Mike
** K: Marion Crosby, 19.00 pts – started by Bob
** DEF: Tampa Bay, 31.00 pts – started by Mike
          Not only did Dad miss out on those two, but he got robbed of six more points when Westbrook knelt down on the one-yard line.
          In case you were wondering, Tom Brady was worth 4.50 pts, making him the 28th ranked fantasy QB this week.

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My favorite statistic






          Here’s a list of QBs you were better than this weekend (remember, if you go out back and throw a ball into the ground, that’s a 39.5 QB rating.)
** Titans’ Billy Volek – 39.5 rating (1 att, 0 yards)
** Cowboys’ Tony Romo – 22.2 rating (36 att, 213 yards, 3 INTs)
** Falcons’ Chris Redman – 0.00 rating (15 att, 34 yards, 2 INTs)
** Jets’ Kellen Clemens – 0.00 rating (1 att, 0 yards, 1 INT)




Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week award






          Dad left 52 points on his bench, and Jeff started three injured players this week.
          But I’d like to give the prize to whoever planned security for the Delaware/App State game. In case you missed it, with five minutes left and the game firmly in the mountain men’s hands, the fans rushed the field and stood on the sidelines, constantly shoving players and coaches into the field of play.
          The officials immediately responded by … doing squat.
          No penalties for App State, no calls for more security guards, no delaying the contest until the field could be cleared. They just let it go on, and thank gawd nobody did anything too stupid or got hurt.
          I know it’s division I-AA, but it’s a pretty simple sports formula, kids. Rushing the field after a big win = awesome. Rushing the field before that big win is over = idiotic.

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Worst performers, “across the board” edition






Third Place: Kellen Clemens, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
Second Place: Chris Redman, -4.54 pts – sitting on the wire
First Place: Detroit, -6.00 pts – sitting on Dad’s bench
          Remember last week when I said we had avoided that dreaded “worst score possible” so far this year? Scratch that. Detroit gave up 45 points on offense and recorded no turnovers, no sacks, and nothing of note whatsoever. Luckily, Dad made the right call there.

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Saddest thing I heard this week






          Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga, after his team’s win Sunday raised their record to 1-13:
          “It was like winning the Super Bowl.”
          How can you tell if your football team is poorly managed? They don’t know the difference between going 1-13 and winning a championship.

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It was fun while it lasted






          Now that the new year is upon us (that’s the 2008 football season, not 2008 itself, since the Eagles are out of the playoff race), here’s a few resolutions for members of the team looking ahead.
** Andy Reid: To keep that weight off, take up running. Run a few miles every day. Take a few laps with the team during practice. Run up and down the stairs of your house. And run the freaking ball on third and short once in a while.
** Lito Sheppard: Whatever you eat before Cowboys games, eat that every day. Twice.
** Reggie Brown: Donate yourself to the Salvation Army for real next time.
** Donovan McNabb: Resolve not to laugh to hard when you win the Super Bowl next year in Chicago. Also, in the excitement of that championship, try not to puke.
** Greg Lewis: Turn yourself into police. You belong in jail.
** Brian Westbrook: Next year, let other players on offense do some of the work. No, wait, don’t do that.

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Cowboys anagram insult of the week






          Did you know this is the second December in a row the Eagles have embarrassed the young Dallas QB at home in front of his new girlfriend? It’s so sad. But they still managed to celebrate a little bit after that dreadful loss. How? Just look at “Tony Romo loves Jessica” and see:
          **Losers vomit oceans. Joy! **
          Maybe celebrate wasn’t the right word.

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Our standings so far






First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul – 2270.13 pts
Second Place: Giuliani’s 2nd Wife, Jim – 2031.54 pts
Third Place: Updog, Neal – 1978 pts
          But Jo is only 4 pts behind. It’s a tight race to see who is gonna end up second loser.

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Things that are better than an Eagles win over Dallas late in the season




          Ooooh! I thought of one!
** Winning by not scoring because your right tackle and running back are both mensa members.
          Yeah, that's nice.

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And some depressing thoughts to end






** Let's just get it out of the way now -- Next year, we might be looking at an Eagles team without McNabb or Dawkins. Start figuring out how to deal with it now.
** Jim, is Pittsburgh gonna miss the playoffs?
** Remember last year when Eagles/Saints was a playoff game? Me neither.
** They really should have named Westy to the Pro Bowl as an RB and a WR. If you need to drop someone, how about T.O.?

Fantasy recap, week 14

Just so we're clear



     Remember how much we all liked this?

      I know it's confusing, but this week we're rooting for this:

      The I-AA Championship, which pits those Fightin' Blue Hens against the Appalachian State Mountain Men, is Friday night on ESPN. I know it's confusing to you Ohio fans out there, but please try to remember who you're rooting for this time.

      Thanks for your support.

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Top Performers



** QB: Tom Brady, 40.36 pts – started by Jo
** RB: Marion Barber, 36.37 pts – started by Jim
** WR: Brandon Marshall, 30.67 pts – started by Neal
** TE: Jason Witten, 28.20 pts – started by Ant
** K: Shayne Graham, 14.00 pts – started by Joel
** DEF: Seattle, 28.00 pts – started by Neal
      Seriously? I had two defenses with 24 pts and I get no love? Yet somehow, this week’s 28 pts by Seattle aren’t as painful as last week’s …

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Andy Reid (got screwed by a) Blown Call of the Week award



      If a linebacker goes through a wide receiver before he touches a pass, that’s a penalty.
      If a cornerback holds onto a running back while he’s trying to get to the line of scrimmage before the snap, that’s a penalty.
      Someone, please forward this to the Eagles/Giants officiating crew. Thanks.

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Worst performers, defensive edition



Third Place: Pittsburgh, -1.00 pts – sitting on Joel’s bench
Second Place: Oakland, -4.00 pts – started by Jim
First Place: Kansas City, -5.00 pts – started by Ant
      Remember – the worst a defense can be worth is -6.00 pts. That one sack KC got kept them from posting the worst score of the year.
      Also … Pittsburgh? Really? That’s all you got? C’mon!

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Stupidest thing I heard last week



      Take your pick from these great ESPN moments:

** An unnamed ESPN announcer who on Saturday, with the Kansas basketball team up 76-52 over DePaul with just four minutes left in the game, insisted that, “if you’re on the Kansas staff you don’t want your guys to let up in this situation, because it can get really dangerous.” Somehow, they managed to turn that 24-point lead into a close 18-point win.

** ESPN analyst Mel Kiper, who on the radio handicapped the possible winners of the 2008 Heisman trophy award … about an hour before they announced the 2007 winner.

** An unnamed ESPN announcer who, during Delaware’s big win on Saturday, said that one of the Southern Illinois player’s stories was “so miraculous because it’s a miracle he’s here today.”

** ESPN’s Trey Wingo, who announced that thanks to his network, “college football fans will finally get what they’ve been asking for: A playoff to decide which team is number one! … as picked by our experts …”
      Yeah, that’s much better than this current poll system. I wish they’d just put them on a field and guess how they’d play. No controversy there.

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Random Eagles notes



** With his next field goal (or two extra points), K David Akers will become the Eagles all-time points leader.

** On a day when the Eagles honored former RB Duce Staley, current RB Brian Westbrook became the first Iggle since Duce (nine years ago) to post consecutive 1,000 yard rushing seasons.

** QB Donovan McNabb played his first December football game in three years on Sunday. And he managed to stay upright through the whole thing.

** WR Greg Lewis’s career passer rating on Sunday fell all the way to 39.6 (one attempt, zero completions) from his previous rating of infinite (zero attempts, zero completions). Hopefully, he will never get a chance to improve on that.

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Cowboys anagram insult of the week




      I know what you were thinking – The Lions are up six points with only a few minutes left, and the Cowboys have been struggling all day. This could be the week they finally get theirs. This could be the week they collapse and earn a loss. This could be the week…
      But there’s one thing you forgot: “Detroit really, really sucks again.” And you know what that spells out?
      Dallas kills your eager certainty
      So, as you’d expect, the cowpokes stage a comeback, score a TD with 18 second left, and Detroit disappoints everyone yet again.
      Should have seen it coming…

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Evidence the NFL is rigged



** In the season where QB Brett Favre sets several career passing records, he just happens to have his best season in 12 years.

** WR Randy Moss just happens to reinvent his career … as soon as he gets traded to the NFL’s only dynasty of the last decade.

** QB Eli Manning just happens to keep to winning games despite only having the skills of Eli Manning.

** The 0-14 Dolphins just happen to upset the 14-0 Patriots (see me in two weeks about that one.)

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Our standings so far



First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul – 2160.86 pts
Second Place: Giuliani's 2nd Wife, Jim – 1926.41 pts
Third Place: Updog, Neal – 1879.85 pts
      A big week for Neal; His 180-plus pts jump him over Joanna and into the top three. And Paul still managed to open up his lead…

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For the record



** Aw yeah, I’m only down 10 to Dad now. I got him right where I want him.

** More Thursday night games, kids.

** Just so you’re ready for it, there’s a chance I may not even mention next Sunday’s game in my next recap.

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Fantasy recap, week 13

A letter to AJ




      Dear AJ,
      The other coaches and I were looking over the film last night, and I wanted to apologize. I figured out what went wrong on Sunday, and it was my bad.
      First, here’s that play we fell in love with in practice:

      Gosh, did that thing fail once against our D in practice? It really seemed like the perfect pattern.
      But in talking to Jim and the other defensive coaches, I found out that not all teams run that “six defensive backs” package all the time. Apparently, some teams use something called “linebackers” in the middle of the field – sort of what Takeo does, except not all the way up on the line of scrimmage to stop the run. Anyways, here’s what it actually looked like on Sunday:

      Again, my bad. We probably should have warned you about the guys in the middle of the field, and told you not to throw the ball right at them (although, after the first two times Tatupu intercepted you I thought you’d get the message).
      So, sorry about that, and I hope there’s no hard feelings. It’s good to have you back on the sidelines.
      Sincerely,
      Marty.

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Top Performers




** QB: Tony Romo, 34.16 pts – started by Paul
** RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, 34.03 pts – started by me
** WR: Hines Ward, 29.00 pts – started by Paul
** TE: Dallas Clark, 23.00 pts – started by Eric
** K: Mike Nugent, 17.00 pts – sitting on the wire
** DEF: Carolina, 27.00 pts – started by Ant
      And yet another 200-plus pt week for Paul, this time thanks in large part to the WR I traded him a few weeks back. But two weeks without a Patriot in the top players ranking? Will the NFL survive?

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Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week award





      Neal gets the prize this week, for leaving a whopping 54 pts on his bench, but it wasn’t without a fight.
      Jeff, apparently preparing for next year’s bye weeks, left one defense slot open, started a RB who has been injured for about a month and another WR who didn’t get a single catch. That’s exemplary coaching.
      And then there is Joe Gibbs, the senile old coach of the Maryland Racial Slurs, who decided to call two timeouts on the same play, which earned an unsportsmanlike conduct call and a 15-yard penalty which turned a 51-yard field goal attempt into a 36-yard game-winning field goal. In fairness, you wouldn’t expect a Hall of Fame coach to know the rules.

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Worst performers, “Defenses we own” edition




Third Place: Denver, 1.00 pts – started by Eric
Second Place: Detroit, -3.00 pts – sitting on Dad’s bench
First Place: Green Bay, -4.00 pts – started by me
      Freaking Cowboys.

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Stupidest thing I heard last week




      On NFL Live last week, Ron Jaworski and Merril Hoge (and some other nimrod) were breaking down the Eagles game against the Patriots. Jaworksi insisted that the Eagles hadn’t provided a good blueprint for how to beat New England, because their offense still put up points nearly every possession.
      I disagree, but that wasn’t the dumb part. Hoge followed up with this
      “Last time I checked, a blueprint is an exact replica of what your trying to build. So why would you use the Eagles blueprint? They didn’t win. There’s no blueprint there.”
      That’s right – every other team in the league learned nothing from that game whatsoever because the Eagles didn’t win. Having a chance to tie in the fourth is exactly the same as losing by 50.
      Moron.

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Funniest thing I heard this week




      Think Mike Quick is bad with his constant advertisement dropping during his broadcasts?
      Listening to the Chicago Bears broadcast this weekend I heard one better. Every time a team got called for an offsides or false start penalty, the play-by-play folks announced “and with that illegal procedure call SafeAuto would like to remind you it’s illegal to drive without insurance. Call 1-800-Safe-Auto today for a free quote.”
      What’s worse: having your company associated with incompetent play, or knowing that there are enough procedural penalties in a typical Bears game to justify sponsoring them?

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How the 3-9 Falcons could still make the playoffs




** They win their next four games (against the Saints, Bucs, Cardinals and Seahawks)
** The Lions, Vikings, Cardinals and Panthers lose three of their next four games.
** The Bears, Eagles, Racial Slurs, and Saints lost two of their next three
** The Rams and 49ers lose at least one more game.
** At 7-9, the Falcons would get the final wild card spot with a 6-6 NFC record, the best of the 10 possible teams tied for sixth.

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The last undefeated goes down!




      No, not that one. That won’t happen until they play Miami in three weeks.
      I’m talking about those Northern Iowa Cornfielders, whose perfect 12-0 season was mowed down by the unstoppable Fighting Blue Hens last weekend. All world RB Omar Cuff had a mere one touchdown on the day, but it was enough to put Delaware in the final four of the I-AA playoffs.
      So Saturday at 4 pm, the Hens will take on the Southern Illinois Salukis for a trip to the championship game. They’re 12-1 – guess who their only loss on the year is to? Northern Iowa.
      The game is on ESPN, so make sure to watch. Catch the bird flu fever!

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Cowboys anagram insult of the week





      Let's just get this out of the way, since it's gonna happen this week -- What will the celebration be on Sunday? Just look at "Cowboys win the NFC East."
      Cows bet, chew infants. Oy!
      Gambling is against league rules, but eating babies still isn't even a fine. The NFL has to do something about that already.

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Our standings so far




First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul -- 2037.68 pts
Second Place: Giuliani's 2nd Wife, Jim -- 1777.74 pts
Third Place: We Want Detmers, Jo -- 1747.95 pts
      I’m wondering if Paul can still win even if he benches his whole team the last two weeks. Let’s try it and see.

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For the record




** Oh yeah, I covered the Army Navy game last weekend. It ruled.
** I love the Eli Manning watch commercials – “Unstoppable – that’s what he is.” If you watch closely, at the end of the commercial the high-end timepiece throws two stupid picks, just like Manning. He’s unstoppable that way.
** Another Thursday night game this week, kids. Get your roster set.
** No, I’m serious about that Patriots/Dolphins game.

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Fantasy recap, Week 12

Reasons to feel good about a moral victory












          Hold on, I'll think of something...

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Top Performers





** QB: Drew Brees, 33.20 pts – started by Ant
** RB: Frank Gore, 41.13 pts – started by Mike
** WR: Chad Johnson, 36.87 pts – started by Jim
** TE: Antonio Gates, 25.00 pts – started by Bob
** K: Jason Hanson, 19.00 pts – sitting on the wire
** DEF: Minnesota, 32.00 pts – started by Dad
          At least there’s not Patsies on there this week, right? Right?

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Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week award





          Everyone in the league broke 100 pts this week, so the award has to go somewhere else. And I’ll let you guess where based on these game stats:
** First half: 23 passes (62 percent), 14 runs (38 percent), 21 pts scored
** Second half: 22 passes (85 percent), 4 runs (15 percent), 7 pts scored
          I never thought I’d see the day where a 60-40 split for Andy looked like balance, but when the going gets tough you know he’s gonna fool the opposition by benching his best player.

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Worst performers, “Names starting with M” edition





Third Place: Mike Anderson, -0.40 pts – sitting on the wire
Second Place: Marc Bulger, -0.72 pts – sitting on Jo’s bench
First Place: Mike Bell, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
          Reno Mahe was somehow worth –0.04 pts, in case you were thinking of starting him next week.

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Stupidest thing I heard last week, basketball edition





          Have you heard the new Sixers commercial featuring Andre Igudola? Here’s the best line:
          “We’re gonna go out there and try and win as many games as we can.”
          That's much more refreshing than the old “we’re gonna half-ass it most nights” slogan they were using.

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Stupidest thing I heard last week, college football edition





          Unfortunately I didn’t catch the names of the ESPN broadcasters for last Friday’s Delaware/Delaware State I-AA playoff game, but their color announcer was lauding all-world UD RB Omar Cuff and his impressive running and catching skills when he let this slip:
          “Omar Cuff is like this division’s version of Michael Westbrook.”
          Let’s assume that he meant Brian Westbrook, all-world Eagles RB known for his catching and running skills, and not former WR Michael Westbrook, best known for fighting with Stephen Davis while they were teammates in Washington.
          The problem with that analogy is “that division” already has a prototypical Brian Westbrook: It’s Brian Westbrook, of Villanova, who played against Delaware all four years he was in school.
          But good try there, buddy. Way to know your I-AA history.

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Stupidest thing I heard last week, pro football edition





          I’m gonna puch the next person who says AJ Feeley is a better QB than McNabb. Just shut up now and we’ll all be smarter tomorrow for it.
          When the Bears win the Super Bowl with McNabb next year, I’m blaming you personally.

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Fun stats from the weekend





** Over the last four weeks Eli Manning has thrown three TD passes to his team and three TD interceptions to the opposing team. But the Giants totally aren’t starting that second-half slide again.
** On Sunday the Maryland Racial Slurs outgained the Tampa Bay Bucs 412 yards to 192, had 23 first downs to Tampa’s 9, held the ball for 10 minutes longer than the Bucs, and lost 19-13. That’s what six turnovers will do for you.
** Arizona QB Kurt Warner threw for 484 yards on Sunday … and lost. Eagles QB AJ Feeley, Broncos QB Jay Cutler and aforementioned Racial Slurs QB Jason Campbell all topped 300 yards and lost. Meanwhile, the only QB to pass for 300 yards and win was – of course – the Patsies’ Tom Brady.

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Cowboys anagram insult of the week





        It’s always sad to see Dallas win, but it just seems more painful when it happens on a holiday. I don’t think I can put it any better than “Dallas Cowboys linebacker Kevin Burnett” already spells it out in his name:
        ** Rabble liven, cons won. Black is Turkey date
        Or, at least it’s black until next year, when the ‘boys will end up losing on the road to some AFC team on Thanksgiving.

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Our standings so far





First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul -- 1831.99 pts
Second Place: We Want Detmers, Jo -- 1620.31 pts
Third Place: Giuliani's 2nd Wife, Jim -- 1611.97 pts
        At least the battle for second is good; Neal, in fourth, is only 18 points out of the first loser slot.

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For the record





** By the way, all-world Delaware RB Omar Cuff picked up 288 rushing yards (a school record) and increased his TD total to 37 on the year (in 12 games) as the Fightin’ Blue Hens rolled over the Del State Hornets. Next up in the playoffs are the Northern Iowa Cornfields on Saturday.
       Blue Hens – Catch the bird flu fever!
** The trade deadline is Friday, kids. Get 'em in while you can.
** Seriously, I hate moral victories. If we learned anything from Rocky, it's that winners get money and losers have to go home with Talia Shire.

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