Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Fantasy recap, week 13

A letter to AJ

      Dear AJ,
      The other coaches and I were looking over the film last night, and I wanted to apologize. I figured out what went wrong on Sunday, and it was my bad.
      First, here’s that play we fell in love with in practice:

      Gosh, did that thing fail once against our D in practice? It really seemed like the perfect pattern.
      But in talking to Jim and the other defensive coaches, I found out that not all teams run that “six defensive backs” package all the time. Apparently, some teams use something called “linebackers” in the middle of the field – sort of what Takeo does, except not all the way up on the line of scrimmage to stop the run. Anyways, here’s what it actually looked like on Sunday:

      Again, my bad. We probably should have warned you about the guys in the middle of the field, and told you not to throw the ball right at them (although, after the first two times Tatupu intercepted you I thought you’d get the message).
      So, sorry about that, and I hope there’s no hard feelings. It’s good to have you back on the sidelines.

Top Performers

** QB: Tony Romo, 34.16 pts – started by Paul
** RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, 34.03 pts – started by me
** WR: Hines Ward, 29.00 pts – started by Paul
** TE: Dallas Clark, 23.00 pts – started by Eric
** K: Mike Nugent, 17.00 pts – sitting on the wire
** DEF: Carolina, 27.00 pts – started by Ant
      And yet another 200-plus pt week for Paul, this time thanks in large part to the WR I traded him a few weeks back. But two weeks without a Patriot in the top players ranking? Will the NFL survive?

Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week award

      Neal gets the prize this week, for leaving a whopping 54 pts on his bench, but it wasn’t without a fight.
      Jeff, apparently preparing for next year’s bye weeks, left one defense slot open, started a RB who has been injured for about a month and another WR who didn’t get a single catch. That’s exemplary coaching.
      And then there is Joe Gibbs, the senile old coach of the Maryland Racial Slurs, who decided to call two timeouts on the same play, which earned an unsportsmanlike conduct call and a 15-yard penalty which turned a 51-yard field goal attempt into a 36-yard game-winning field goal. In fairness, you wouldn’t expect a Hall of Fame coach to know the rules.

Worst performers, “Defenses we own” edition

Third Place: Denver, 1.00 pts – started by Eric
Second Place: Detroit, -3.00 pts – sitting on Dad’s bench
First Place: Green Bay, -4.00 pts – started by me
      Freaking Cowboys.

Stupidest thing I heard last week

      On NFL Live last week, Ron Jaworski and Merril Hoge (and some other nimrod) were breaking down the Eagles game against the Patriots. Jaworksi insisted that the Eagles hadn’t provided a good blueprint for how to beat New England, because their offense still put up points nearly every possession.
      I disagree, but that wasn’t the dumb part. Hoge followed up with this
      “Last time I checked, a blueprint is an exact replica of what your trying to build. So why would you use the Eagles blueprint? They didn’t win. There’s no blueprint there.”
      That’s right – every other team in the league learned nothing from that game whatsoever because the Eagles didn’t win. Having a chance to tie in the fourth is exactly the same as losing by 50.

Funniest thing I heard this week

      Think Mike Quick is bad with his constant advertisement dropping during his broadcasts?
      Listening to the Chicago Bears broadcast this weekend I heard one better. Every time a team got called for an offsides or false start penalty, the play-by-play folks announced “and with that illegal procedure call SafeAuto would like to remind you it’s illegal to drive without insurance. Call 1-800-Safe-Auto today for a free quote.”
      What’s worse: having your company associated with incompetent play, or knowing that there are enough procedural penalties in a typical Bears game to justify sponsoring them?

How the 3-9 Falcons could still make the playoffs

** They win their next four games (against the Saints, Bucs, Cardinals and Seahawks)
** The Lions, Vikings, Cardinals and Panthers lose three of their next four games.
** The Bears, Eagles, Racial Slurs, and Saints lost two of their next three
** The Rams and 49ers lose at least one more game.
** At 7-9, the Falcons would get the final wild card spot with a 6-6 NFC record, the best of the 10 possible teams tied for sixth.

The last undefeated goes down!

      No, not that one. That won’t happen until they play Miami in three weeks.
      I’m talking about those Northern Iowa Cornfielders, whose perfect 12-0 season was mowed down by the unstoppable Fighting Blue Hens last weekend. All world RB Omar Cuff had a mere one touchdown on the day, but it was enough to put Delaware in the final four of the I-AA playoffs.
      So Saturday at 4 pm, the Hens will take on the Southern Illinois Salukis for a trip to the championship game. They’re 12-1 – guess who their only loss on the year is to? Northern Iowa.
      The game is on ESPN, so make sure to watch. Catch the bird flu fever!

Cowboys anagram insult of the week

      Let's just get this out of the way, since it's gonna happen this week -- What will the celebration be on Sunday? Just look at "Cowboys win the NFC East."
      Cows bet, chew infants. Oy!
      Gambling is against league rules, but eating babies still isn't even a fine. The NFL has to do something about that already.

Our standings so far

First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul -- 2037.68 pts
Second Place: Giuliani's 2nd Wife, Jim -- 1777.74 pts
Third Place: We Want Detmers, Jo -- 1747.95 pts
      I’m wondering if Paul can still win even if he benches his whole team the last two weeks. Let’s try it and see.

For the record

** Oh yeah, I covered the Army Navy game last weekend. It ruled.
** I love the Eli Manning watch commercials – “Unstoppable – that’s what he is.” If you watch closely, at the end of the commercial the high-end timepiece throws two stupid picks, just like Manning. He’s unstoppable that way.
** Another Thursday night game this week, kids. Get your roster set.
** No, I’m serious about that Patriots/Dolphins game.

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