Fantasy recap week #5

Comparing the Phillies and
Eagles (jerseys) this week




#5: Pat Burrell vs. Donovan McNabb
One of these guys single-handedly propelled his team to a win on Sunday. The other one’s best achievement was not throwing up on the field.
ADVANTAGE: Phils
#26: Chase Utley vs. Lito Sheppard
We all love what Lito has done in the past, but he’s barely playing right now. Chase may have fallen off in the playoffs, but at least he’s on the field.
ADVANTAGE: Phils
#28: Jason Werth vs Correll Buckhalter
Werth can steal bases. Buck can barely walk after all those knee surgeries.
ADVANTAGE: Phils
#39: Brett Myers vs Quiten Demps
Myers' slow, 90-foot walk to first on Saturday was the crucial turning point in the game. Meanwhile, Demps couldn’t manage nine feet on his kick returns this weekend.
ADVANTAGE: Phils
#63: Ryan Madson vs. Mike Gibson
I don’t even know who Gibson is, but Madson still stresses me out.
ADVANTAGE: Eagles
It’s a good time to be paying attention to baseball, kids…



Top performers





QB: Aaron Rodgers, 28.92 pts – sitting on Heidi’s bench
RB: DeAngelo Williams, 32.97 pts – started by Ant
WR: T.J. Houshmandzadeh, 24.67 pts – started by Mike
TE: Chris Cooley, 21.27 pts – started by Dad
K: Shaun Suisham, 15.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Antoine Winfield, 16.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Carolina, 24.00 pts – sitting on Dad’s bench
     Thank gawd for Chris Cooley – the rest of those names were a pain in the neck to spell.



Worst performers,
“Really terrible” edition




3rd place: Damon Huard, -2.16 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Seattle, -5.00 pts – sitting on Paul’s bench
1st place: Buffalo, -6.00 pts – started by Neal
     Congrats to Neal, who achieved the lowest score possible with his defense. That only happens once or twice a year: They have to give up at least 35 points (in this case, 41) and not record any sacks, INTs, fumbles or other signs of life. Seattle actually gave up more points (44) but their one sack kept them off the bottom rung.
     Meanwhile, Damon Huard really stinks (86 passing yards, three turnovers, -1 rushing yards).



Andy Reid
Blown Call of the Week
Award



     No one started a player on a bye this week. No one! I’m so proud … I think I might cry …
     So without a league winner of the award (Neal left 32 pts on his bench, but I just made fun of him up there) let’s just go with the Mets again. It’s still really funny to think about them choking two years in a row.


Things that confused me
from switching between
the Phillies and Eagles
games on Sunday



-- In the first inning, why did the refs throw a flag for blocking in the back on Rollins home run?
-- Joe Blanton looked great threading a tight spiral down the middle of the field to L.J. Smith. I wish Manuel would have called more pass plays to him.
-- I think I was rooting for Green to beat Red but Red to beat Blue. But whenever someone wearing white came up, I froze.
-- Gawd, Andy Reid’s coaching looked bad no matter what channel was on.



Cowboys anagram insult of the week





     Did you know the Cowboys are flagrantly violating U.S. immigration laws by bringing illegal immigrants across the border? It’s true; L.P. LaDouceur is a Canadian, once again stealing a good old fashioned American job from a perfectly qualified American long snapper.
     Even worse, when you look at “Dallas’ L.P. LaDouceur” you can see he doesn’t even care about this country:
     ** USA: a dull place. Lord! **
     America’s team, my ass. They’re nothing but traitors.



What you could buy with $700 billion





-- 5,468 copies of Tiger Woods (annual earnings: $128 million)
-- 17,283 copies of LeBron James (annual earnings: $40.5 million)
-- 1.9 million copies of Hank Baskett (annual earnings: $365,000)
-- 0 strength and conditioning coaches for the Eagles (I assume they cost a fortune, otherwise they would have hired a competent one by now.)





Our standings so far




1st place: Awesomenicity, Heidi – 645.45 pts
2nd place: Arena Bowl Champions, Jo – 629.91 pts
3rd place: Cougar in Chief, Mike – 619.52 pts
     It’s an all Doyle top three, with Mike making his first appearance here and the other two swapping spots. Paul’s lurking in fourth, but I heard he may have broken a few ribs playing paintball last week and might need to be replaced by Correll Buckhalter.




News and notes




-- I'm down six on Dad now. Honestly, I'm gonna start putting down money against myself.
-- Anyone want to do fantasy hockey? No, I'm not. I can stop anytime I want.
-- By the way, Joe Blaton and Brett Myers still suck, suck, suck. I mean, that's what I said right before the last series, so...