Fantasy recap week #4

Phun Phacts about the Phillies



-- Shane Victorino: He is the shortest member of the Phils, at two-feet-three-inches tall.
-- Chase Utley: He bats left handed but throws right handed. He kills with both hands.
-- Tad Iguchi: He is not So Taguchi. They are different people.
-- Ryan Howard: To build up power, he splits logs … with his bare hands.
-- Andy Tracy: He is on this team. No clue what he does.
-- Geoff Jenkins: His name is uncomfortably close to Gregg Jeffries for my tastes.
-- Jimmy Rollins: He draws defensive strength from drinking the tears of Mets fans.






Top performers



QB: Brett Favre, 45.56 pts – started by Jo
RB: Larry Johnson, 35.30 pts – started by Jo
WR: Laveranues Coles, 33.00 pts – started by Dad
TE: Jason Whitten, 19.00 pts – started by Heidi
K: Matt Prater, 17.00 pts – started by Paulie
D: New York Jets, 23.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: LaMarr Woodley, 15.50 pts – sitting on the wire
     Not bad, kids – every one of the top offensive performers was played this week, and nearly everyone hit the magic 100-point mark. It’s almost as if you all have figured this fantasy thing out finally.






Worst performers, “Everybody in” edition



3rd place: Mark Clayton, -0.10 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench
2nd place: Josh McCown, -0.20 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Arizona, -2.00 pts – started by Jeff
     Proof that fantasy football is a terrible judge of actual performance, the Cardinals gave up six passing touchdowns and 56 points, but cost Jeff only two points in the standings. There should be an extra penalty for letting an 130-year-old QB set a team record against you.






Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week Award



     I’m a man of my word – If I tell you you’ll be ridiculed for not updating your roster and you start four guys on a bye, then I’ve got to make fun of you. However, it should be noted that while Jim fielded only half a team this week, he still beat out six other teams in points.
     Honorable mention goes to Neal, who started a kicker on a bye and a QB who had been very publicly benched during the week (Marc Bulger). But all that is part of Neal’s “less is more” strategy, having not picked up or dropped a single player yet this year.
     I bet it turns out just as successful as a goal line dive with an inexperienced fullback corps.






Stupidest thing I heard this week



     During the final game of the season, Orioles radio broadcaster Joe Angel unleashed this gem:
     “So the Orioles will finish the year with a 5-20 record in September and their first last-place finish in the division since 1988. But they have made strides this year. You just haven’t really seen it in the pitching or the fielding.”
     Forgetting the obvious, the team was 8th out of 14 teams in the AL in hitting too, so there haven’t really been strides there either. But the hot dog vendors really brought their A-game this year.
     He later added that the team has a lot of valuable pieces to trade “even though nearly the entire team was put on waivers last month and nobody wanted them.”






Cowboys anagram insult of the week



     Cowboys new wideout Miles Austin thinks he can be a great receiver in this league.
     But honestly, how can anyone take you seriously when your name clearly spells out “I is lame nuts” for everyone to see?
     For the record, that anagram just barely beat out “Aimless unit” and “Tuna Missile” and “It’s snail emu!”
     “A men slut, I is” just seemed too mean to consider.






Actual conversation I heard this week



     Two guys chatting on the Metro, both wearing ties and headed downtown from Capitol Hill:
Guy #1: Did you catch the Sparks game last night? Unbelievable finish. That’s good stuff.
Guy #2: No, I missed … is that hockey?
Guy #1: WNBA. Those girls can play.
Guy #2: Um. Sure.
Guy #1: You gotta watch their next game. It was awesome.
Guy #2: Um. Sure.
     Dude seemed completely serious about it too, although he kept alternating between calling them the San Antonio Sparks and the Seattle Sparks as the conversation went on. (They’re from LA, my crack research found out).
     But apparently there is one fan out there. And if he convinced his friend to watch too, their TV rating could double.






Our standings so far



1st place: Arena Bowl Champions, Jo – 514.84 pts
2nd place: Awesomenicity, Heidi – 494.82 pts
3rd place: Ice Road Truckers, Dad – 489.54 pts
     To quote the Family Guy, I need all of you to help me beat my wife. She has scored 336 pts in the last two weeks – Jeff, down there in last, has 383 pts in the last four.






News and notes



-- To better empathize with our friends from Ohio, the staff here at Fort Awesome decided on Sunday to lose power for eight hours after a drunk driver knocked down a power-line pole in our backyard. Not to worry, though: Our neighbors with electricity were kind enough to invite us over to watch that fourth-quarter Eagles debacle.
-- Related, I’ll be taking up a collection later this week to try and buy the Eagles a playbook with the QB sneak included in it. I hear the Patsies pretty much don’t need their offensive plays anymore this year.