Fantasy recap week #3

Time for everyone’s favorite game!



        How’s your NFL knowledge? See if you can identify which of these are defensive players who have scored at least 10 fantasy points this year, and which are 2004’s up-and-coming Canadian film stars:
-- Gaines Adams: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Paul Fox: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Rashad Jeanty: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Ziad Touma: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Channing Crowder: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Travis LaBoy: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Ricky Mabe: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Max B. Reid: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
        Seriously, if you got more than four right you need to watch less football.






Top Performers



QB: Drew Brees, 22.84 pts – started by Bob
RB: Ronnie Brown, 43.66 pts – sitting on my bench
WR: TJ Whosyourmama, 27.73 pts – started by Mike
TE: Jeremy Stevens, 15.07 pts – sitting on the wire
K: John Carney, 15.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Philly, 31.00 pts – started by Jo
D: Antonio Cromartie, 20.50 pts – sitting on Joel's bench
        Let’s get it out of the way: Ronnie Brown’s five TDs was the most scoring by a non-QB in six years (Shawn Alexander) and would have been more than enough to catapult me back into contention… if I had bothered to start him. But I didn’t, and my starters just barely outscored my bench.
        That’s why I’m still bruised and battered at the bottom of the pile like Big Ben. I’m giving myself the blown coach call award for the second week in a row.





Worst Performers, crappy QBs edition



3rd place: Ben Roethlisberger, 0.34 pts – sitting on Jeff’s bench
2nd place: Kevin Kolb, -1.92 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Dan Orlovsky, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
        Kolb’s first pass was a pick, but he’s clearly ready to step in if McNabb gets hurt. And how often does the Don go down with an injury anyway?





Stupidest thing I heard last week



        I forgot to write this down last week, and nothing was dumber this week, so…
        Fox Sports Jay Glazer reported on air that the Saints were going to announce a contract extension for Coach Sean Payton. Then he added:
        “People need to remember that before Payton got here, this franchise was mired with years of losing records, and they had just been displaced for an entire year by Hurricane Katrina. That’s not the case anymore.”
        If only they could have moved Payton up to Ohio last week, our good friends could have avoided that nasty storm. He keeps hurricanes away.





Signs you may be choking



-- Your face is blue (or your hats are blue)
-- You can’t clear your throat (or the bases in the 8th inning)
-- People around you say you’re choking (family, friends, fans)
-- You make funny noises like “garggh” or “delgado”
-- You have a history of choking, and it feels like this





Cowboys anagram insult of the week



        I poke fun at the Cowpokes a lot here, and we all get a good laugh out of it. But when I see Dallas players trying to push their moral depravity onto the general public, it leaves me disgusted and infuriated.
        So when I saw Felix Jones break off a 60-plus TD run on Sunday, I was amazed no one charged the field to protest the letters in his name screaming out “Join Elf Sex!” to all of America.
        Why do we even have an FCC, if not to stop these twisted fetishes from reaching our homes? Won’t someone think of the children?
        I haven’t seen anything this offensive since Dallas’ Roger Staubach (Hug cobras, salad later). At least Jones isn’t promoting poor nutrition and improper snake handling at the same time. But football fans shouldn’t have to think about elf sex during a wholesome Sunday game.





Our standings so far



1st place: Awesomenicity, Heidi -- 381.94 pts
2nd place: The Moravians, Bob -- 378.77 pts
3rd place: Porkchop Express, Neal -- 368.89 pts
        You all knew Heidi would reclaim first again. I’m just surprised it took this long.
        The good news is the distance between first and last place is still less than 85 points, so like the Brewers you still mathematically have a chance.





News and notes




-- Dad only has a five game lead on me, and I can already see his inner Carlos Beltran getting ready to choke that away soon.
-- Bye weeks start this Sunday, kids. Remember to bench guys who aren’t playing, or I will make fun of you.
-- Sorry about Wille Parker and the Steelers, Jim. At least you still have the Yankees in October ... oh, right.