Actual text thread from Sunday:
1226 pm
G: No Peters, no Reagor, no Alshon, no DeSean. This Eagles/Niners game may end up 42-0
Me: This is a sure Eagles win. Cleveland is going to upset the Cowboys. This is the worst Eagles team in a decade so they will be in first by midnight.
G: I see that Leo has gotten into the Drain-O again.
Bob: It’s 2020. Nothing has to make sense for it to happen
Me: They’ll just find an awful way to win tonight. Bob has it right.
204pm
Bob: Heckuva job, Brownies!
G: Careful, Bob. Thousands of Cleveland residents have been duped before. You should NEVER trust the Browns to win a game.
Me: It’s happening, G.
G: Listen, I would love to be wrong here. I just can’t believe in the Browns.
Ant: [Cleveland rocks gif]
412pm
G: C’mon, 2020. Show me yet again how wrong I am!
G: Oh thank God I was wrong.
Me: Never a doubt.
710pm
G: Wow the line is SF minus 9.
Me: Put your money in now. What’s the payout for a straight Eagles win?
G: [Facepalm gif]
1047pm
Me: This game is setting up for a late FG to tie and no scoring in overtime.
G: That’s crazy talk. When has that even happened in an NFL game before.
Jo: Does anyone have a place where Leo can sleep tonight?
1055pm
Bob: Whut is happening?
G: Whaaaaaa
Jo: Who????
Me: [Literally indecipherable babble]
Ant: Crap we’re on a 15 second delay!!!!!!
1104pm
G: I can’t. I just … seriously, they are going to lead the division.
Me: FIRST PLACE
Ant: I’m winded
Me: G I TOLD YOU DAMMIT
Me: IIIIII TOOOOLLLLDDD UUUUU
G: You did.
Ant: Leo, go take a shower, you stink.
I could try and explain the shower thing, but to be honest, it never made any sense … sorta like the Eagles leading the NFC East at 1-2-1.
WR: Odell Beckham Jr., 33.30 pts — started by Bob
RB: Joe Mixon, 38.10 pts — on Dad’s bench
TE: Robert Tonyan, 27.53 pts — on the wire
K: Brandon McManus, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Kansas City, 21.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
D: Pierre Desir, 14.50 pts — on the wire
Prescott set a new NFL record by passing for 974 yds over the last two weeks, the most by any QB ever in a two-game span. He also became the first QB ever to throw for 450 in three consecutive weeks, and has totaled more than 120 fantasy pts since Sept. 20. Oh, and his team lost the last two games. So, have fun with those empty numbers.
Rough week for Dad, who left 51 pts on his bench between the KC defense and Mixon, who totaled 22.27 pts in his first three games this season. On the plus side, he still topped 100 pts for the week, which is pretty good considering that bad luck.
Three kickers had 18 pts this week. I can’t be bothered to list the other two. They’re kickers.
“Offensive offense” edition3rd place: Adrian Killins Jr., -0.57 pts — on the wire
2nd place: DeAndre Carter, -0.70 pts — on the wire
1st place: Robert Griffin III, -1.70 pts — on the wire
Griffin’s return to the field against his former Maryland teammates didn’t go great this week, with an interception in his only pass attempt during backup practice time of the Raven’s big win over the nameless wonders. But at least he’ll always have the memories of his time there … where the coaching staff ruined his knees and careers. Ah, memories.
Killins, who apparently plays for the Eagles, touched the ball twice on Sunday night. The first was a 2-yd catch. The second was a -12 yard run on an end-around. There will not be a third time.
** Former QB and current CBS analyst Jay Feely showed off the intimate football knowledge he was hired to provide when, during Sunday’s Jacksonville/Cincinnati game, he said this about the Bengals’ kicker:
“He has been perfect since he missed earlier this year.”
In other news, the Eagles are undefeated in games they haven’t lost or tied.
** I know I’ve harped on this in the past, but…
On Sunday, in my other Yahoo fantasy league, I went into the Sunday night game leading my opponent 144.42 to 88.84. My opponent had no players left. I had Packers kicker Mason Crosby left to go. Yahoo gave me a 99 percent chance of winning.
So, apparently, a 1 percent chance of winning means “your opponent’s kicker has to throw 28 interceptions in tonight’s game.” Or “your opponent’s kicker has to miss 56 extra points and kick zero field goals in tonight’s game (worth -1 in that league).” That feels like less than 1 percent to me.
(FYI, right as I typed this, Crosby missed an extra point. So fine, football karma gods, I get it. But it’s still dumb.).
** Local sports stupidity: Late on ABC7 Sunday night, local sports reporter Olivia Garvey said that the Maryland Football Squad’s loss to the Ravens was disappointing, but “the good news is that Washington is still atop the NFC East, tied for second place.
That’s not how any of this works. To quote George Halas, “if you’re not first, you’re last.”
After the ongoing coronavirus pandemic cancelled one game this week and sidelined Patriots QB Cam Newton in another, NFL officials on Monday announced strict new rules to minimize the risk of contracting the illness and attempts to slow the spread. They include:
** Video monitoring of team activities: This will include pre-game warm ups and travel to ensure that safety protocols are being observed. In an effort to help, New England coach Bill Belechick has already offered to share with the league his around-the-clock, secret recordings of the other 31 teams.
** Loss of draft pick for violations: The Raiders are reported already facing the possible forfeiture of several picks for coaches’ failures to wear masks on the sidelines. The Jaguars front office has apparently asked if they can also give up picks, not because of safety issues but because they’re just going to waste them anyway.
** Increased mask rules: Under instructions from physicians, the league will mandate that Joe Buck’s mouth be taped shut. This has less to do with virus exposure and more to do with the hot air constantly streaming out of his head.
** All remaining Falcons games will be cancelled: Other teams expressed concerns they could be exposed to the virus given all of the choking happening in Atlanta of late.
** Instead of Gatorade on the sidelines, all teams will drink bleach: I hear that injecting it right into your body helps get rid of the virus.
We had an anagram for WR Michael Gallup just two years ago, when he was a rookie for the Cowboys, that showed his bent towards evil (he does have “I am hell” in his name). But 2020 has changed a lot of us, so I thought it was worth revisiting the Dallas #2 wideout this week to see if maybe he has repented his ways and aimed for a more noble, virtuous approach to life.
What I found was … upsetting.
Dallas Cowboys starting wide receiver Michael Gallup
** I created COVID, pal. I sow bugs, want gall, cheer all misery.
It should come as no surprise that this whole pandemic emanates from the Cowboys facility, and from one of their key players. I just hope someday, we as a nation are brave enough to confront the reality that no civilized society would allow Cowboys players in public without a mask, as in a full “Silence of the Lambs” security mask. It’s the only way we’ll ever regain our moral center.
** I went 2-1 against Dad this week, bringing my early season lead to six games. His faith in the Los Oakland Raiders is sorely misplaced.
*** In announcing the reassignment of Phillies General Manager Matt Klentak this weekend, team managing partner John Middleton said of Klentak’s tenure that "we've made progress, but we haven't made enough progress fast enough.”
The Phillies went 326-382 in five seasons under Klentak, with zero winning seasons and zero playoff appearances. But they finished in fifth place his first year and third in his final year so … progress?
** So, is it too early to start projecting first-round playoff opponents for the Eagles? I think they’d match up well against the Bears, although I have grave concerns about Nick Foles returning to Philly. Maybe the Eagles should tank or game or two to avoid them…
Week 4 standings
1 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 565.12 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 562.00 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 560.29 pts
4 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 545.53 pts
5 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt Awesome), 528.60 pts
6 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 521.64 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 486.74 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 479.02 pts
9 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 445.95 pts
10 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 443.97 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 381.77 pts
So we’re still doing this “Bob in first place” thing. Huh.
Some jockeying among teams at the top of the chart, but we’re developing a clear set of four leaders, then Joanna and me out on our own island, then the rest of the field. Paul’s soccer orphans took a huge tumble, scoring fewer points than Beckham and Mixon did alone on Sunday. And nobody topped 150 pts for the week, which feels like a failure all around.
Tom Brady faces Nick Foles on Thursday night in a Super Bowl LII rematch … except neither plays for the same team anymore. Still, the exact same drama is there. At the very least, they’ll show the Philly Special a few more times.
And we’ve made it to our first official bye week of the 2020 season, as opposed to the surprise coronavirus byes last week, and the surprise coronavirus bye weeks till to come. Go pick up some players from the waiver wire to fill your empty spots and get your teams all set. Sure, you could be in last place now, but one good week can jump you all the way up to first. Worked for the NFC East…
** Video monitoring of team activities: This will include pre-game warm ups and travel to ensure that safety protocols are being observed. In an effort to help, New England coach Bill Belechick has already offered to share with the league his around-the-clock, secret recordings of the other 31 teams.
** Loss of draft pick for violations: The Raiders are reported already facing the possible forfeiture of several picks for coaches’ failures to wear masks on the sidelines. The Jaguars front office has apparently asked if they can also give up picks, not because of safety issues but because they’re just going to waste them anyway.
** Increased mask rules: Under instructions from physicians, the league will mandate that Joe Buck’s mouth be taped shut. This has less to do with virus exposure and more to do with the hot air constantly streaming out of his head.
** All remaining Falcons games will be cancelled: Other teams expressed concerns they could be exposed to the virus given all of the choking happening in Atlanta of late.
** Instead of Gatorade on the sidelines, all teams will drink bleach: I hear that injecting it right into your body helps get rid of the virus.
We had an anagram for WR Michael Gallup just two years ago, when he was a rookie for the Cowboys, that showed his bent towards evil (he does have “I am hell” in his name). But 2020 has changed a lot of us, so I thought it was worth revisiting the Dallas #2 wideout this week to see if maybe he has repented his ways and aimed for a more noble, virtuous approach to life. What I found was … upsetting.
Dallas Cowboys starting wide receiver Michael Gallup
** I created COVID, pal. I sow bugs, want gall, cheer all misery.
It should come as no surprise that this whole pandemic emanates from the Cowboys facility, and from one of their key players. I just hope someday, we as a nation are brave enough to confront the reality that no civilized society would allow Cowboys players in public without a mask, as in a full “Silence of the Lambs” security mask. It’s the only way we’ll ever regain our moral center.
** I went 2-1 against Dad this week, bringing my early season lead to six games. His faith in the Los Oakland Raiders is sorely misplaced. *** In announcing the reassignment of Phillies General Manager Matt Klentak this weekend, team managing partner John Middleton said of Klentak’s tenure that "we've made progress, but we haven't made enough progress fast enough.”
The Phillies went 326-382 in five seasons under Klentak, with zero winning seasons and zero playoff appearances. But they finished in fifth place his first year and third in his final year so … progress?
** So, is it too early to start projecting first-round playoff opponents for the Eagles? I think they’d match up well against the Bears, although I have grave concerns about Nick Foles returning to Philly. Maybe the Eagles should tank or game or two to avoid them…
Week 4 standings
1 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 565.12 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 562.00 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 560.29 pts
4 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 545.53 pts
5 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt Awesome), 528.60 pts
6 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 521.64 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 486.74 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 479.02 pts
9 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 445.95 pts
10 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 443.97 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 381.77 pts
So we’re still doing this “Bob in first place” thing. Huh.
Some jockeying among teams at the top of the chart, but we’re developing a clear set of four leaders, then Joanna and me out on our own island, then the rest of the field. Paul’s soccer orphans took a huge tumble, scoring fewer points than Beckham and Mixon did alone on Sunday. And nobody topped 150 pts for the week, which feels like a failure all around.
Tom Brady faces Nick Foles on Thursday night in a Super Bowl LII rematch … except neither plays for the same team anymore. Still, the exact same drama is there. At the very least, they’ll show the Philly Special a few more times.
And we’ve made it to our first official bye week of the 2020 season, as opposed to the surprise coronavirus byes last week, and the surprise coronavirus bye weeks till to come. Go pick up some players from the waiver wire to fill your empty spots and get your teams all set. Sure, you could be in last place now, but one good week can jump you all the way up to first. Worked for the NFC East…
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