Fantasy football 2023 -- week 13 recap

Following Sunday’s embarrassing loss to the 49ers, the Eagles front office scrambled to find free agent help to plug some of the glaring holes in their squad. That led to signing LB Shaquille Leonard and talks with TE Zach Ertz, but the team must do more if they’re serious about making a championship run. Here’s a few other names to consider:

** CB Marcus Peters: The former Raiders defensive back has playoff experience and could give valuable depth to a Philadelphia secondary constantly struggling with injuries.

** DE JJ Watt: I know he retired last year, but are we sure he’s done? The 34-year-old’s brother (TJ Watt) is just five years younger and has 14 sacks on the season. JJ is probably good for four or five key sacks down the stretch.

** WR Julio Jones: The former All-Pro receiver could serve as a big red zone target for QB Jalen Hurts. There were rumors the Eagles signed him weeks ago, but there have been no public sightings of him since Thanksgiving.

** RB Kenyan Drake: The eight-year pro has played for five different teams and looked pretty worn down in his last action with the Ravens. But even if he can just barely walk, he’s an upgrade over RB Boston Scott.

** OF Shohei Ohtani: Does he play football? It’s unclear. The guy can pitch and hit and do everything else in baseball, so maybe he could also give the Eagles a boost. He’s 6-4 and 209 lbs, about the same size as CB James Bradberry.

** QB Nick Foles: I’m just saying, The Eagles have never won a Super Bowl without him on the roster.

QB: Brock Purdy, 37.46 pts — on Sam’s bench
WR: Deebo Samuel, 31.13 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Joe Mixon, 25.07 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Sam LaPorta, 19.83 pts — started by Mom D
K: Brandon Aubrey, 15.00 pts — started by Sam
DEF: LA Chargers, 22.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Andrew Van Ginkel, 11.00 pts — on the wire

Great. A whole bunch of 49ers and Cowboys up there.

The Chargers defense dominated the Patriots on Sunday, collecting five sacks and a fumble recovery while shutting out the inept New England offense. And that’s great news for LA, because their offense was almost equally bad: They kicked two FGs in the second quarter and won the game 6-0. It’s only the 19th time since 1966 that a game has ended with fewer than seven combined points, and the first time it has happened since 2018. The game had more than twice as many punts (13) as points. For some reason, all fans who bought seats for the pathetic display were not immediately offered refunds.

Somehow I’ve only made fun of Andrew Van Ginkel’s name on the blog one time before, and that was three years ago. I’ll have to fix that in a future posting.

“Defensive” edition

3rd place: (tie) Cleveland, -3.00 pts — started by Mom D
3rd place: (tie) Dallas, -3.00 pts — started by Sam
2nd place: Philadelphia, -4.00 pts — started by Paul
1st place: Maryland, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Welcome to the NFC East, where the best defense of the week belonged to the Giants, who were on a bye. The other three teams combined for 111 pts allowed, three sacks and one turnover.

Six defenses scored in negative points this week, and Mom D had two of them. Too bad she didn’t have the insight to start the Saints instead of the Browns, she would have only scored -2.00 pts with them. Some weeks you just can’t win.


** During Thursday night’s game between the Seahawks and Cowboys, every time a short yardage play came up, analyst Kirk Herbstreit made a reference to the Eagles unstoppable one-yard rush package. You know, the one where they push the QB forward for a first down or TD. The one everyone has talked about all season long.

That’s right, the “push tush,” as Herbstreit called it FOUR SEPARATE TIMES in the game.

I get it, it’s easy to reverse those two terms … if you haven’t been watching any pro football this season. Which, if you’ve heard any of Herbstreit’s commentary this year, may be the case.

** During halftime of the Pac-12 Championship game, studio analyst Booger McFarland was extolling the offensive line play of Washington and highlighted one play where the blockers drove the defenders 10 yards downfield.

“Look at the running back pushing his man across the field too,” he exclaimed. “You think this game doesn’t mean a lot? Don’t tell them that. These guys are hustling.”

I did mention this was the Pac-12 championship game? You know, a contest where zero individuals involved believed “this game doesn’t mean a lot.” I watched a little of the second half just to make sure, and when Oregon lost, their coach did not say he was happy to miss out on a playoff appearance and finish second in the league title race.

** From the Washington Post on Monday: “The Saints lost QB Derek Carr in the fourth quarter to back, shoulder and head injuries after he was hit by DL Bruce Irvin as he released a pass … Saints Coach Dennis Allen called the injuries ‘concerning.’”

Slow down with the hyperbole there, coach. Only the top third of his body is injured. If everything waist up was damaged, then that would be worth raising an eyebrow over.
 

It’s that time of year again — college football bowl season, where words and sponsorships lose all meaning. Can you identify which of these are real bowl games and which are AI-generated fakes?

 

Cricket Celebration Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Pop Tarts Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Roofclaim.com Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Wasabi Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Starco Brands LA Bowl hosted by Gronk
Real bowl Fake dish

Great American Waffle Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Avacados from Mexico Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

GoBowling.com Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Famous Toastery Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Guaranteed Rate Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Three of those 10 are fakes.

The Wasabi Bowl isn’t a real thing. It’s actually the Wasabi Fenway Bowl. When you use the full name, it makes perfect sense. Same with the GoBowling.com Bowl — it’s actually the Military Bowl presented by GoBowling.com. Big difference there.

And the Great American Waffle Bowl was made up by AI. Honestly, it’s the most realistic sounding one on that list.

 
Cowboys S Juanyeh Thomas has been used sparingly in his first two years in the league, appearing mostly on special teams. And yet the Dallas front office has been high on the young player, calling him a key morale figure for the team’s culture. What do they see that the rest of us are missing? Just look at the letters in his name for the obvious answer:

Safety Juanyeh Thomas
** Ye fat humans hate joys

Insulting enemy fan bases? That’s standard trash talk. Insulting all of humanity? Only a true Cowboy can do that.

** Thanks to the Colts overtime victory, Dad dropped both of the picks we had different this week. I’m now up 13 with 13 weeks of football finished. Can Dad still come back? Sure. Can the Patriots still make the playoffs? Technically, yes. Are either of these likely scenarios? Well, we know New England can still cheat its way back into contention. Dad might have a tougher time.

** Delaware got annihilated by Montana in the second round of the FCS playoffs on Saturday, so college football is officially over for the year. Thanks for following along, you can stop now.

** WR DeSean Jackson retired as an Eagle this week and the craziest stat to come out of his departure was this: The speedy wideout during his career caught TD passes from Philly QBs Donovan McNabb, Kevin Kolb, Mike Vick, Nick Foles, Carson Wentz and Jalen Hurts. That seems impossible, since the McNabb years feel like more than five decades ago.



Week 13 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1620.18 pts
2 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1616.52 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1590.60 pts
4 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1585.26 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 1502.01 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1485.22 pts
7 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1467.27 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1406.61 pts
9 — Electric Sheep (Paul), 1370.37 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1284.68 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 1273.40 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1213.12 pts

With just five weeks left in the season, the top three spots in the Awesome Cup standings continue to be a game of musical chairs. Jonathan grabs the throne for now, but his lead is less than four points. A brutal week for Dad (85.24 pts, last place on the week) drops him back to third place, but he and Mom D both sit less than 40 points behind first.

Mike and I continue in vain to try and claw our way back into the upper echelon. Paul’s android dreams may be slowly dying. And at Jeff’s current scoring pace, he could catch Jonathan if Jonathan benches all his players for the rest of the season.

This week marks the final week of byes for the season, and if you’re relying heavily on Maryland or Arizona players, you’re already in deep trouble. But get your roster sorted out anyway.