Fantasy football 2023 -- week 10 recap

This weekend will be remembered not as a weekend of exciting matchups and hard-nosed football but instead as the final death knell of the football gods. Consider:

** Facing a 14-point deficit in the fourth quarter, the Cleveland Browns led a long TD drive to pull within seven, then picked off a Ravens pass and returned it for a TD. All of the sudden, the game was tied … or it should have been, if not for a missed extra point on the try. As expected the football gods punished the Browns for that mistake harshly.

Just kidding. The Browns got the ball back a few minutes later and kicked the game-winning field goal. No negative karma detected.

** In one of Saturday’s top college football showdowns, Washington led Utah 33-28 with the Utes charging down the field. With the Huskies undefeated season on the line, LB Alphonzo Tuputala picked off an errant Utah pass and returned it 76 yds for a TD … or it should have been, if he didn’t pull a DeSean Jackson and drop the ball on the on-yard line. Utah recovered, and the football gods punished Washington for that mistake harshly.

Just kidding. Washington got a safety two plays later and won 35-28. No negative karma detected.

** Leading by three with just two minutes left in the game, the Texans faced a third and 3 at their own 32-yard line. The Bengals had no timeouts, so the team could drain valuable time off the clock with a running play … which they opted not to do, instead throwing an incomplete pass and stopping the clock. Cincinnati got the ball back, drove 58 yards in 37 seconds, tied the game, and the football gods punished Houston for that mistake harshly.

Just kidding. The Texans got the ball back and kicked the game-winning field goal with no time left on the clock. No negative karma detected.

** During Monday night’s game, the Bills trailed the Broncos 15-8 after a host of turnovers. The ESPN halftime crew turned to their team of experts to break down what was wrong with the Buffalo offense … or they should have, but instead they brought on Eli Manning from their alternate broadcast to mumble for a bit and say he expected both teams to play better in the second half. For opting to showcase the dumber Manning brother on TV longer, the football gods punished the network harshly.

Just kidding. The fans instead got punished with a sloppy second half, including a game-winning Broncos drive that included a 28-yard pass interference penalty and a “too many men on the field” penalty on the defense during a missed FG attempt. No negative karma detected for ESPN, and Eli Manning’s crimes against humanity continue to go unpunished.

QB: Dak Prescott, 45.86 pts — started by Mike
WR: Keenan Allen, 29.17 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Jahmyr Gibbs, 23.53 pts — started by me
TE: T.J. Hockenson, 20.43 pts — started by Dad
K: Jason Myers, 21.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
DEF: San Francisco, 23.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
D: Kyle Hamilton, 13.00 pts — on the wire

In three games against New Jersey teams this season, the Cowboys are 3-0 with a plus-82 point differential. In their six other games? They’re 3-3 with a plus-12 point differential. The moral of the story is to beat up on crappy New York area teams when you can, and people will think you’re elite.

Gibbs is the fourth best fantasy RB over the last four weeks, totaling 70.87 points, just two points behind all-pro 49ers back Christian McCaffrey. And both of those two had a bye week in that period. So they’ve outscored the field even after taking a week off.

Of the top five fantasy WRs this week, Allen was the only one whose team lost. But he almost single-handedly screwed me in another league, so I feel no sympathy for him.

“Defenseless” edition

3rd place: New Jersey Giants, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Detroit, -4.00 pts — on my bench
1st place: LA Chargers, -6.00 pts — started by Jo

Or maybe Allen’s success could not offset the Chargers’ complete ineptness on defense. The team surrendered 41 points and registered no sacks, no turnovers and no signs of life. The only defense to come close to that same level of awfulness was … their opponent, the Lions, who managed one interception and surrendered only 38 points. On the plus side, it was a fun matchup to watch.

The Giants defense is now the worst in all of fantasy football, averaging 3.60 pts a game. Sunday was the fifth time this season they have scored less than zero in a contest. The good news for them is their opponent next week, the Maryland Commies, are the third worst defense in all of fantasy football. It’s possible neither team makes a tackle the whole game.


** Early in the Seahawks-Commies game, Seattle WR Tyler Lockett went up for a catch in the middle of the field and was speared in the head by CB Emmanuel Forbes. The refs threw a flag for a personal foul penalty, Lockett was sent to the sidelines for concussion tests, and Seahawks radio analyst Dave Wyman ripped into Forbes.

“You can’t do that,” he said. “Sometimes, when you go for a hit, your head drops as you put your shoulder down. And other times you have what Forbes did. You can’t do that.”

After a brief huddle, the referees announced that Forbes was ejected from the game for unsafe play. In response, Wyman suddenly went completely against what he said a moment earlier.

“I mean, I just don’t agree with that,” he said. “It just seems harsh to me. You need to give a guy another chance before you kick him out. That’s just such a big call.”

So, you need to give him a second chance to spear another guy? Make sure he causes a major injury with his irresponsible play, instead of just a minor one?

Or maybe Lockett got hit so hard on the play that Wyman had short-term memory loss, and forgot what he had just said.

** ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt had this tease with five minutes to go in Monday night’s Broncos/Bills tilt:

“Tune in for Sportscenter. When this game is done, we will know who won, and we’ll talk about that.”

That was a relief. I hate all these NFL games that end in a cliffhanger where you have to wait seven days for the standings to update.

** During the Cowboys/Giants game, as Dallas faced 2nd and Goal from the four-yard line with a seven-point lead, New Jersey radio play-by-play announcer Bob Papa made a grim assessment: “If the defense can’t stop them here, and with the way the Giants’ offense is going, this could decide the game.”

Papa said that with nine minutes left to go … in the first half.

He wasn’t wrong — Dallas went up 14-0 and eventually won 49-17. So I guess it wasn’t really one of the stupidest things I heard this week. But it was the saddest by far.

The Eagles return to action after their bye in a Monday night game against the Kansas City Chiefs. And while all the attention should be on the rematch of last February’s Super Bowl — and a possible preview of next February’s championship game — everyone instead has been focused on the Kelce/Swift relationship.

But it’s hard to criticize fans and pundits for the attention, given the excitement the two have already produced. After all, Kelce has had some of his best games with Swift in attendance. Swift seems to get along with everyone, despite being a newbie to the team and fans. The football has been top-notch, the music has gotten even better. And the two are the best-looking couple in the NFL.

So let’s not criticize folks for getting all wound up over the relationship. After all, if the Eagles are going to go far this season, it’ll be on the backs of C Jason Kelce and RB D’Andre Swift. Don’t let people attack Swift for being a newcomer. Don’t let the haters hate on Jason for his new Christmas album or being named a finalist in People’s sexiest man contest.

And the other Kelce/Swift couple? Eh, whatever. I’m not sure anyone has really noticed them.

WR Brandin Cooks was a key offseason pickup for the Cowboys last spring, expected to bring more depth to the team’s receiving corps. Instead, he has been mostly a bust, scoring his first TD of the year in Sunday’s blowout and only totaling 17 catches in eight games before that. Of course, Dallas would have known he was washed up before opening day if they had simply deciphered the message hidden in his name:

Dallas Cowboys WR Brandin Cooks
** A coward, a risky clown. Old snob, BS.

You could say Cooks is cooked, but I would not stoop to that level for a pun. But I would like to pile on nonetheless.

Brandin Cooks
** Non-basic dork
** Cabin son dork
** Bacon sin dork
** Con-in-abs dork
** Sardonic knob

In summary, welcome to the Cowboys, dork.

** Another awful week for Dad’s prognosticating skills — he went 0-4 in our picks and now trails by 12 games with just eight weeks left in the season. At least five of those losses are because of the Jets. I’m not sure how many times he has to grab that hot stove before he learns.

** The Sixers are 5-0 and the Clippers are 0-3 since James Harden was traded to Los Angeles and I for one am shocked — SHOCKED — that the man who forced his way off of three previous squads is not behaving like a team player for the Clippers.

** Just a quick check on your college fantasy football team: If you started LSU QB Jayden Daniels this weekend, he had 372 yds passing, 234 yds rushing and five total TDs for a fantasy score of 68.28 pts. And he still wasn’t the best player to start, because Oklahoma QB Dillon Gabriel beat him by a point and a half (423 yds passing, 50 yds rushing, 8 total TDs, 69.92 fantasy pts).

 
Week 10 standings

1 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1226.46 pts
2 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1219.48 pts
3 — The Best (Jonathan), 1209.71 pts
4 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1189.55 pts
5 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1175.49 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1147.67 pts
7 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt Awesome), 1129.98 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1106.55 pts
9 — Miss American Pie (Paul), 1063.26 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 983.37 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 960.41 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 924.99 pts

Another week, another new leader in the Awesome Cup standings. Dad’s picks may have been dreadful over the weekend but his fantasy choices were on point. He beat me in the Garrity Family league by 0.86 pts and grabbed first place in this league after a week-high 137.87 pts from his Bills-heavy squad. After lingering around the top for the last month or so, he finally reached the summit … for now.

Jo sits less than 7 points behind first place, and Jonathan has been relegated all the way down to bronze medal position. Mom D hopped over Sam after he forgot to start a QB this week (bold strategy). Mike, Bob and I are still trying to climb back into relevance. And I guess we’re supposed to say bye-bye to Paul’s team now, given the new name change?

This week — there’s a big Thursday night game (Ravens vs Bengals) and a huge Monday night game (Eagles vs. Chiefs) and a lot of junk in between. So check your lineups early, because you may need to shift things around to account for injuries and general incompetence. I’m looking at you, Buffalo.