2011 fantasy recap, week 5

The NFL season began 33 days ago, and the Eagles have one win.

The NHL season began six days ago, and the Flyers have two wins.

Just saying.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 37.12 pts -- on Sam's bench
RB: Adrian Peterson, 30.20 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Dwayne Bowe, 27.53 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Joel Dreessen, 19.47 -- on the wire
K: Sebastian Janikowski, 20.00 pts -- started by NewMike
DEF: Seattle, 26.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Brandon Browner, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

Everyone who had Seattle beating up the Giants this week, raise your hands. OK, you relentlessly optimistic Seahawks fans out there can put your hands down now.

The Eagles may have managed five turnovers as a team, but New Jersey QB Eli Manning had a fumble and three picks, including the game-clinching 94-yard INT return for a TD. It was the Seahawks first win against the Giants on the East Coast in 28 years. Back then, Eli was only two-year-old, but already had developed those vacant, soulless eyes.

"Across the board" edition
3rd place: Michael Robinson, -1.50 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Arnaz Battle, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Tampa Bay, -4.00 pts -- on the wire

And if you had Tampa Bay giving up 48 pts to the San Franciso 49ers this week, I'd like your guesses at the lottery numbers for the rest of the week.

Forget for a moment that the Phillies loss on Friday ruined the best regular season in team history -- was the game itself more or less painful to watch than the Eagles debacle on Sunday? Consider these lowlights:

Eagles: 1st Q, Mike Vick tosses two INTs
Phillies: Bottom 1st, Hunter Pence grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 2nd Q, Vick botches a FG chance with horrible clock work
Phillies: Bottom 3rd, Jimmy Rollins grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 3rd Q, Bills RB Fred Jackson opens the Q with a 22-yard run
Phillies: Bottom 5th, Roy Halladay grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 4th Q, WR Jason Avant has his second turnover of the game
Phillies: Bottom 7th, Raul Ibanez grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 4th Q, DE Juqua Parker jumps offsides, ending the game
Phillies: Bottom 9th, Ryan Howard grounds out to end the game, injures his leg

16 ground ball outs for the Phillies, and 23 positive rushes for the Bills. Either way, it was like water torture.

During Saturday's Virginia Tech/Miami game, the announcers were analyzing a long run by the Hokies' QB when I hear them say this:

"The 3rd string tight end with the spectacular name George George had a key block which opened up that whole play."

Look, I know I joked about naming my kid "Shane Shane" for a number of years, but I didn't actually follow through with it, because that'd be cruel. Think of all the grief you'd get on standardized tests. Think of the trouble at the DMV. What if the kid grows up and develops a stuttering problem?

No way this can be real, right? I assumed it must be a nickname or middle name or something, so I looked up his bio. Turns out the facts are even worse: Dude is George George III, meaning that no only did his father and grandfather live through this nightmare, but they felt the need to pass it on to the next generation.

At 1-4, the Eagles are one of the worst teams in the league (tied with Jacksonville, Carolina, Arizona, Minnesota and Denver), but they aren't the bottom of the barrel yet. Here's a look at the contenders for that title:

** St. Louis Rams (0-4)
WHY: Tough early sked plus injuries to RB Jackson equal zero wins
POINT DIFF: -67
HOPEFUL SIGN: Still only 3 games out of first in the weak NFC West
REALITY: Of their last 12 games, 8 are against potential playoff teams

** Miami Dolphins (0-4)
WHY: Lost starting QB Chad Henne, forgot to field a defense
POINT DIFF: -35
HOPEFUL SIGN: All of their games have been close, despite their record
REALITY: They still play in the AFC East. That's 6 losses for sure.

** Indianapolis Colts (0-5)
WHY: QB Peyton Manning's neck fell off
POINT DIFF: -49
HOPEFUL SIGN: Manning isn't dead, so he'll be back someday
REALITY: Manning doesn't play defense, so he only fixes half the issue

The Cowboys didn't play this week, but their hatred of all things good takes no vacation. Just look at what their break time spells out:

Dallas Cowboys annual bye week plans
Dopey weasels sock a baby, welp a nun, dally on

As if punching the baby wasn't enough evil.

Week 5 standings


Yeah, we're all getting sick of NewMike right now. On the plus side, my team is looking pretty good. I know that encourages all of you.

** Dropped two more to Dad, now I'm four back in the standings. Which means I'm even behind where the Eagles are in the standings. I don't care what the league says, I still don't believe the Lions are 5-0.

** I was going to make a Brett Farve birthday joke here, but I just don't think I have it in me.

** I'm fooling around with the comments on these posts, after finding out that blogger is having some problems allowing responses. So, for the none of you who've wanted to leave a comment, you should be able to do so now.

** Right now, it's better to be a Detroit sports fan than a Philadelphia sports fan. Just writing that made me throw up in my mouth a little.