2012 fantasy recap -- week 2

EA Sports announced Sunday that more than 81.5 million “Madden 2013” games had been played online in the first two weeks of the NFL season, and the two most popular teams online have been the San Francisco 49ers and the Philadelphia Eagles. Here’s a look at the new tweaks the company has installed to make the gameplay more realistic for online Philly fans:

** All Eagles running plays are disabled for a random quarter.
** If WR DeSean Jackson goes over 100 yards, he immediately benches himself until his contract is renegotiated.
** At the 8:53 mark of every third quarter, the Eagles take an unexpected defensive timeout and then incorrectly challenge the next play.
** Every time RB LeSean McCoy gets tackled, QB Mike Vick somehow gets injured instead.
** Whenever the Eagles score, the in-game announcers complain that Philly fans once booed Santa Claus.
** No matter how badly gamers play, the Eagles somehow pull out a last-minute touchdown to save the win.

QB: Robert Griffin III, 32.44 pts -- started by Sam
WR: Danny Amendola, 30.25 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Reggie Bush, 33.87 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Dante Rosario, 25.70 pts -- on the wire
K: Stephen Gotkowski, 17.00 pts -- started by Sam
DEF: (tie) Green Bay, 21.00 pts -- started by Jim
DEF: (tie) Seattle, 21.00 pts -- sitting on my bench
D: Charles Godfrey, 11.50 pts -- on the wire

Yes, even though Giants QB Eli Manning threw for 510 yards on Sunday, the rookie Maryland QB beat him out in fantasy stats by 0.24 pts. Of course, Eli got the win, and all Griffin got was to watch on the sidelines while his kicker missed what would have been a game-tying 62-yard field goal.

”Getting defensive” edition
3rd place: Chad Henne, -1.08 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Oakland, -5.00 pts -- started by me
1st place: Kansas City, -6.00 pts -- on the wire

Congrats to KC, for posting the worst possible score for a defense just two weeks into the season. The Chiefs D recorded no sacks, no turnovers, no return TDs, and allowed 35 points. So far this year, they've allowed 75 points and been worth -11 pts on the fantasy charts.

Also, congrats to me for my sage fantasy decisions this week. I benched the Seattle defense (up there on the top performers chart) to start the Oakland defense (down there on the worst performers chart) and cost myself 26 pts in a single move. That's the difference between seventh and second place.

Now that the NHL lockout is official, it’s time to start making plans for your fall TV viewing if hockey doesn’t come back for months. Here are a few suggestions:

** Watch football.
** Watch football.
** Watch college football.
** Watch football (Who watches NHL before January?)
** Watch football.
** Watch the MLB playoffs (if the Phillies sneak in).
** Watch football.

Remember, no matter how desperate the situation is, do not watch any professional basketball.

Following Stanford’s shocking upset of the completely overrated USC Trojans, Fox commentator Erin Andrews said that “no one is going to be going to class tomorrow” at the Stanford campus.

And she was absolutely right … since the game was played on Saturday, and most colleges don’t generally hold class on Sundays.

Stats from this weekend that I can’t replicate in video games

** Florida State RB Chris Thompson rushed for 197 yards and two TDs -- on nine carries -- in his team’s 52-0 win on Saturday. That’s almost a 22 yard per carry average.
** Beaverton Aloha High School RB Thomas Tyner (of Oregon) made national headlines by rushing for 624 yards and 10 TDs in his team’s 84-63 victory this week. But it took him 38 carries to amass those stats. Lazy high school kids.
** TCU QB Casey Pachall passed for 335 yard and 2 TDs in his team's 20-6 win on Saturday. So far this year he's thrown five TDs and only six incompletions (33 of 39).
** The Saints have begun this season 0-2. I’m pretty sure no matter the difficulty level I put a video game on, I wouldn’t be able to start that poorly with a roster that loaded.

Every week I try to pick a different Cowboys player name for this anagram. But when Dallas drafted DE Tyrone Crawford earlier this year, I realized I could anagram his name alone every week.

** Tyrone Crawford **
Corny Afterword
Entry for coward
Torn, rowdy farce
Crony toward ref
No DE Craft. Worry

And those are just the ones that speak to what a failure his career will be. I left “frowny carrot DE” off the list because it didn’t make a lot of sense. That is, unless we find out he has a vitamin C deficiency on top of his other problems.

Week 2 standings

Rough week for ChampMike -- his became the first team not to break 100 pts this season, posting a remarkably low 62.34 thanks to miserable performances by Larry Fitzgerald, Ahmad Bradshaw and Greg Olsen (under 5 pts combined).

Meanwhile, the other half of the Doyle household jumped from fourth to first place. We're testing her for performance enhancing drugs again.

  ** We’re only two weeks into the season and I’m already six games down on my father in pur weekly picks. I haven’t won a single contest we’ve picked differently. At this point, I’m on pace to lose by 51 games. Ugh.

** In a pregame interview on CBS Sunday, Vick said “I’m not going to go out there and throw four picks every week. That’s crazy. I’d bench myself if I did that.” And he only threw two on Sunday. So … progress?

** If you think these recaps are terrible,  you should see the automated Yahoo recaps for head-to-head leagues. Pure hilarity.

** The Eagles are in first place in the NFC East for the first time since December 2010. Just FYI.