2012 fantasy football -- preseason predictions

The teams are drafted and the season starts tomorrow night. But why wait four months to find out who will get fantasy bragging rights for the year? Here's my infallible early take on how the Awesome Cup standings will shake out by January.

12 -- The Bob-Dammits (Bobert)
Projected Points: 1788.93
Analysis: I don't really think Bob's team will be this bad, but I'm rooting for him to fail. No offense to our resident professor, but who can root for a team with Cowboys Tony Romo, DeMarco Murray and Miles Austin? Also, Bob's team name anagrams to "I stabbed Mom, h/t." I don't know what's worse: knifing mom, or asking for a hat tip afterwards. Either way, I'm not supporting him.

11 -- kickers rule (Sam)
Projected Points: 1864.55
Analysis: Sam's team consists of the only Maryland Racial Slurs player you've heard of (Robert Griffin III) and all of the Patriots whose names you don't remember (K Stephen Gotkowski, RB Stevan Ridley, WR Wes Welker.) He also has a Lardarius, a Leodis and an Alshon. $10 says Sam forgets his own team name within three weeks.

10 -- Baby's First Team (Heidi)
Projected Points: 1999.29
Analysis: I hope Heidi held onto some of the steroids she was using during her last suspension, because she's going to need them for her aging team. QB Phillip Rivers, WR Steve Smith, K Sebastian Janikowski, WR Randy Moss were all great four years ago, but 2012 may not be so kind. And RB Chris Johnson went from 24 years old at the start of last year to 37 by the end of 2011. Get the Red Bull ready.

9 -- Timmy and the Jets (Joel)
Projected Points: 2001.03
Analysis: I never like drafting a wideout in the first round, so I'm guessing Joel's strategy of grabbing Madden cover athlete WR Calvin Johnson is going to backfire. On the plus side, he did grab QB Eli Manning late, which makes his team ripe for dopey jokes throughout the season. How many Eli's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: None, because screw Eli and his dopey face.

8 -- Romney's tax returns (Jim)
Projected Points: 2079.56
Analysis: Jim's team wins the preseason award for most spleen injuries (solely thanks to TE Jason Witten) but not much else. QB Cam Newton and WR AJ Green are too young, RB's Michael Turner and Jonathan Stewart are too old, and somehow Jim drafted Kevin Smith the filmmaker instead of Kevin Smith the running back. It's gonna be a long year.

7 -- I heart WRs (Paul)
Projected Points: 2106.41
Analysis: Only six wideouts, Paul? How much do you really love them? True, RB Ray Rice and TE Antonio Gates each had 60-plus catches last year, which also could put them in the WR category, but I expected more outside speed from this team. On the plus side, after finishing last in 2011, Paul  received Andrew Luck in this year's draft. Sam, who finished second to last, grabbed RG3. I did not rig that, I swear. I wish I had thought of it, though. I could have structured several jokes around that.

6 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad)
Projected Points: 2146.77
Analysis: Dad might have the highest scoring team in the league in October. Sadly, few on his team will be ready to play on opening day. RB Ryan Matthews, RB Maurice Jones-Drew, WR Kenny Britt, and RB Issac Redman all are expected to miss time early. When QB Peyton Manning is the healthiest big name on your team, that's a red flag.

5 -- Fool for Foles (Joanner)
Projected Points: 2147.77
Analysis: As punishment for her team name, the football gods put QB Mike Vick front and center on Joanna's team. I think it's great, because it finally gives her a reason to root for that loser. But she's so upset that not even scoring K David Akers can console her. Vick can be yours in a trade for a mediocre WR and a good Eli Manning joke (but she'll settle for a dated Brett Farve joke).

4 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Points: 2200.08
Analysis: Jeff gets this spot based on RB LeSean McCoy alone, who proved last year he can make a dud of a team into an almost-contender. In 2011, his roster combined had 46 rushing TDs and 32 receiving TDs, the most of any team (note: I didn't actually check to see if that was the most). You can't deny that kind of statistical momentum.

3 -- T-Old and T-Over (Capt. Awesome)
Projected Points: 2321.21
Analysis: I grabbed Fred Jackson in the third round, DeSean Jackson in the fourth and Vincent Jackson in the sixth. Sadly, my plans to create a new Jackson Five were dashed when I missed out on Stephen Jackson  and Tavarias Jackson. I might as well change my change my name to Jermaine and Jermasjesty.

2 -- Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
Projected Points: 2486.41
Analysis: I undervalued Anthony last year, so to make up for it I'm overvaluing his team this year. Sure, he has QB Tom Brady, WR Mike Wallace and RB Darren Sproles, but the real key to his team is backup RB Jacquizz Rodgers. The T-shirt possibilities are endless. "Jacquizz Nation." "Getting Jacquizzy with it." "You just got Jacquizzed." It already sounds like victory to me.

1 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike)
Projected Points: 2501.33
Analysis: ChampMike once again shows how it's done, grabbing the best name in the league and the best draft of the group. He's got the top QB (Aaron Rodgers), three solid RBs, two good TEs and enough wideouts to make even Andy Reid happy. Could we have a three-time Awesome Cup champion? Sure, anything can happen. Hell, Eli has two Super Bowl rings. Hell must have frozen over years ago without any of us noticing.

Thanks for playing, kids. Games start tomorrow night, so get those rosters in order.