Fantasy football 2025 -- draft order announcement

The Who Needs Linebackers fantasy league is officially back for its 24th season, and that number could not be more meaningful as we head into another six months of gridiron showdowns. For you see, since this league was formed way back in the early 2000s, the Philadelphia Eagles have appeared in four Super Bowls, and won two of them. I like to think our symmetry is a mathematical celebration of the Iggles excellence.

Two is also the number of consecutive titles for our defending Awesome Cup champion, a young man who still cannot drive but can apparently steer the direction of our entire league. One more win would be historic, giving him the first threepeat in league history and tying him for the most championships all time in the league record book. So, it’s time to buckle down and stop the boy, because he is already getting a little too full of himself.

Before we get to the fantasy strategery, it’s time for the official fantasy league draft order announcement. For everyone who forgets how this highly scientific process is handled, here are the rules established a whole year before our defending champion was born. 

The name selection is being handled again this season by the youngest member of Fort Awesome, a true Eagles fan who is wearing a birds hat and waving an Eagles wand that was present AT BOTH EAGLES SUPER BOWL PARADES (that is a phrase that exists now). Since all our coaches can’t be here to witness the picks live, proxies in the form of trading cards of 2024 Super Bowl winning players have been procured to stand in for everyone.

Every year this dumb process ends up screwing me personally (and often benefitting the boy) but I have my brand new Saquon Barkley jersey T-shirt nearby and a veneer of optimism that only a Super Bowl trophy ceremony can sustain through the offseason.

Our vintage Eagles helmet has the first four names stirred around inside, and the first slip out of the hat belongs to …

Pick #12 — Jo

Ooooh, last year’s second-place finisher (by just 14.32 pts!) slips down one spot in the draft order and will pick last in the first round. Her representative, a Kenneth Gainwell Panini Instant Super Bowl LIX Champions card (valued at $2.99), falls forward for a short gain. 

Jo again asks why she needs a proxy if she’s actually in the room, and whether her second child thinks she’s getting any dinner tonight after that pick. We press on, confident in the system. Another name goes into the helmet, and the next name out is…

Pick #11 — Jonathan

Wait, it’s not me? It’s always me first or second. Instead, the reigning champ moves up only a single spot in the draft order instead of his customary seven or eight. His stand-in, a Prizm A.J. Brown Red No Huddle (valued at $9.50), glances down at his copy of “Inner Excellence” to calm his disappointment. 

The boy looks towards me to ask why he also needs a representative if he’s even closer to the action than his mother, but thinks better of it. He’s lucky I won’t throw the Awesome Cup at his head. Next name goes in, and the next victim out is …

 

Pick #10 — Grandmom Linda

Our draft selector is once again seriously concerned about what all of these moves will mean for her upcoming birthday presents. Her concerns are ignored, much like the Chiefs offensive line was ignored by the Eagles rushers again and again and again in the Super Bowl. 

Mom slips down one spot in the draft order, but that’s not a big deal for her proxy, a Rookies Phoenix Jeremiah Trotter Jr. card ($4.74 on Ebay right now). Did you know that Trotter has more Super Bowl rings than his father, and he’s only been in the league for one year? We keep chopping our way down the list, and the next draft order pick goes to …

Pick #9 — Mike

Another coach slips in the draft order. Someone is benefitting from this, but I can’t quite figure out who. Mike’s deputy for tonight’s announcement, a Kenny Pickett Super Bowl LIX Champions card (marked down to $17.75 now), remains as calm and cool as you’d expect from a Super Bowl winning QB. 

Did you know that the Eagles traded Kenny Pickett for a 5th round draft pick this year, and the Browns have already traded him to the Raiders for another 5th round draft pick next year? Did you care? We’re leaving the past in the past, and that means putting another coach into the helmet, and pulling out the next drafter …

Pick #8 — Ant

Another coach who fell down, this time two spots, thanks to this ridiculous draft system. Who came up with this idea anyways? Luckily, Ant barely notices the slight because his stand-in, an All-Rookie Team Cooper DeJean card (also $17.75, somehow not more valuable than Kenny Pickett), is re-enacting his championship game pick-six with a candy bar and a collection of Barbies with better tackling range than the Chiefs. 

The second child asks if we can stop this madness and continue playing with the Barbies. Her pleas are again ignored, and we head onward…

Pick #7 — Bob

Exactly where our 2024 top-6 finisher should be picking. Finally, logic prevails for a moment. The Doctor’s representative here is the Dagger himself, a Honeycomb Mosaic DeVonta Smith card (going for $55 at the moment), who promptly runs in the other room and snags a backbreaking touchdown for team Bob. 

The vibes are so positive this squad that Yahoo AI has already predicted he will win the league this year. Which means Bob has just been eliminated from contention in the league. So sad. Tough break this early. Maybe our next coach will do better …

Pick #6 — Pop

Dad finished in the bottom four last year but will pick in the middle of the first round anyways. Seems like nearly everyone moved down a spot this year, without anyone getting a real benefit. Dad’s proxy, a $20 dancing Eagles hamster, responds to the draft order announcement with a subtly subdued rendition of “We Are The Champions.” 

Jonathan asks why his grandfather doesn’t get a trading card for this exercise. I blame Dan Marino and quickly move to the next name …

Pick #5 — Sam

Hold on, I’m starting to realize what’s happening here, and it’s not great news for Sam. His Fightin Pickles squad finished in the bottom three last year, but he’ll have to settle for the #5 pick. What he won’t have to worry about is subpar representation: His stand-in is a coveted, $300 autographed Prism Decal Tanner McKee card, because who wouldn’t pay big money for the card of a third-string QB? Imagine how much that card would be worth if McKee still had 10 fingers. 

Speaking of 10 fingers, we use two to drop another name in the helmet, and then the next name comes out …

Pick #4 — Jeff

Jeff actually moved in a positive direction here: He finished fifth worse in 2024, but has the fourth best pick now. He is represented by a man always moving in a positive direction: an Alien Case Score Jordan Mailata card (just $100, because Jordan is just one-third the size of McKee, I guess?). 

Both Jeff and Jordan are known for their singing voices — just make sure to ask Jeff to belt out a rendition of “Fly, Eagles, Fly” for you next time you see him. Not right now, though, because we still have three names left…

Pick #3 — Joel

Oooooh, that one stings a bit. Joel has finished last in the league for two straight years, but he gets shut out of the top two picks this year. But his representative — a Red & Blue Prism Shock Nakobe Dean card, valued at just $1.75 — is familiar with the third round, because that’s where he was drafted. He's also familair with disappointment, on account of his injury last year, and still ultimate success and bliss, given that he will always be a Super Bowl champion. That's inspriration for any team.  

Joel’s misfortune is someone else’s gain, but I still can’t quite put my finger on it. Onto our final two draft picks…

Pick #2 — Capt. Awesome

OHMIGAWD THIS IS THE GREATEST DRAFT PROCESS EVER! THIS IS WHY I PRAISE THIS SYSTEM YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR!

Incredibly, my name has survived 10 earlier rounds of helmet selections to steal me a top two pick in the fantasy draft. I’m speechless. I always pick in the bottom half, even when my teams stunk the previous year. I’m more excited than when I found out Taylor and Travis were getting married (which was like 10 minutes ago, so…). My representative leaps up in the air in excitement. Of course, my proxy is the coveted $650 Reverse Backward Hurdle Saquon Barkley card, so he’s always up in the air. But still, it’s a great moment for everyone. And by everyone, I mean me, and possibly the impartial name selector who will now get presents for her birthday.

Just one name left in the helmet, so our top pick goes to …

Pick #1 — Paul

This marks the third time in the last five years that Paul will get first crack at the draft board. Here’s hoping this is the season he is inspired to actually set his roster week to week and compete at a championship level. His avatar for the draft is #1 himself — The Pre-Historic Mammoth True Color Match Jalen Hurts card, yours for only $699.99. Worth every penny for a chance to honor the Super Bowl MVP properly. 

And it's appropriate too, given the ... mammoth weight on Hurts' shoulders as QB ... and his thick hide ... and ... honestly I have no clue what I'm looking at here. $700 for a dinosaur QB card? Whatever. Hurts is awesome no matter what. 

***

We’re all set, folks. The draft order is getting put into the system and it’s time to get your player rankings squared away. Now is the time to pick a new team name, start taunting your fellow coahces and block all those Cowboys from getting on your roster. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime after Saturday morning (Aug. 30) so don’t delay.

Here’s looking forward to another fun fantasy season and a second consecutive Super Bowl win for the Eagles.