Fantasy football recap, week 3

---- Top Performers
QB: Matt Hasselback, 33.08 points -- started by Joel
RB: Brian Westbrook, 38.83 points -- started by Neal
WR: TJ Whosyourmama, 27.27 points -- started by Ant
TE: Eric Johnson, 18.80 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
K: John Kasay, 20.00 points -- was on the waiver wire, now Paulie’s
DEF: Cincinnati, 20.00 points -- started by Jim
          Little known fact: TJ's name was legally changed to Whosyourmoma after the popularity of that commercial.

---- Worst Performers, backup RB edition
3rd place: Anthony Thomas, 0.10 points -- sitting on Ant's bench
2nd place: DeAngelo Williams, -0.10 points -- sitting on Mike's bench
1st place: Rock Cartwright, -0.50 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
          Williams had -1 yards rushing on four attempts Sunday after getting 74 yards rushing and another 24 receiving the week before. Sucks to be him.

---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week
          Jim should get the award this week: He started TO, who is both hurt and on a bye, then started two more players who scored zero points while leaving Clinton Portis (27 points) and 18 more points on his bench.
          On any other week, he would run away with this award.
          But Jeff made a late push to get the honors this week with some truly baffling coaching. Still refusing to use the waiver wire, he managed to carry two kickers on the bye this week, costing him a few field goals there. Then he benched Steve Smith for his first game back, forgot to put anyone in his place, and started another WR who gained no points.

---- “Don’t look now” stats of the week
** Donovan McNabb is leading the league in passing yards (960), leading the NFC in passer rating (105.3) and leading the NFC in passing TDs (seven).
** The Washington –expletive deleted- are leading the league in offensive penalty yards (260) and third in the league in defensive penalty yards (207).
** The New Jersey Giants defense has posted the second fewest sacks in the league (2) and allowed the most TDs in the league (eight).
** The Cowboys are still winless in games where TO catches a touchdown pass. (Still 0-1).

---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
          Credit goes to Jo on this one, for recognizing its stupidity while I was still trying to recover from the brain spasms it caused.
          Mike Tirico, after the Saints blocked a punt and returned it for a TD in the first few minutes of Monday’s game in N’Orwleens, yelped “You could not have scripted a better start than this!”
          So many problems with that:
1 –- Tony Kornheiser made the exact same statement 10 seconds earlier. Tirico repeated it again a few seconds later. I get it – it was a good play. Thanks for beating it to death.
2 –- Yes, I could have scripted a better start. Here goes: The Saints win the coin flip, and the walk-on WR who grew up in the lower ninth ward returns the kickoff 109 yards to set a new NFL record and give his team a 7-0 lead a mere 10 seconds into the game.
3 -– Prove to me that wasn’t scripted. Really, Hotlanta rushed for 306 yards against Tampa but can’t break off one 10-yard run the whole game? Alge Crumpler just happened to drop everything in site? And it just happened that the Falcons had their worst game so far during the Saints’ homecoming?
          We’ve all known that this league has been rigged since Adam Vinitieri kicked his second last-play Super-Bowl-winning field goal. Just come out and admit it already.

---- College football update
** Just when you thought semi-professional sports couldn’t get more unpredictable, the unthinkable happened in the Temple game this weekend: They scored a touchdown. The Western Michigan Buffaloes allowed an 80-yard touchdown drive, culminating in a 11-yard rush to paydirt, in the third quarter of its pathetic 41-7 win over the Owls.
          For the season, Temple has now been outscored by a much more respectable 174-10 in four games.
** Delaware beat Rhode Island 24-17 in the annual “Battle of the mini-states,” proving once again that Delaware is huge compared to that weenie little truck stop up north.

---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
The 'boys will be back next week, and so will their brewing QB controversy. So before he takes over the helm of Hades, let's look at "Dallas Cowboys backup quarterback Tony Romo" and see what we can find:
*** A crock. Moron lobs rock up, away badly. Bet squat. ***
          I'm telling ya, these things write themselves.

-- Our standings so far
** First place: Get drunk and screw, Neal – 425.64 points
** Second place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi – 405.61 points
** Third place: The War on Terrell, Mike – 401.02 points
** Fourth place: Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome – 385.75 points
          Hmmmm ... I wonder why I decided to show the top four this time instead of just the top three? Oh well...

---- For the record
** There were 23 rushing TDs this weekend, but 24 fumbles. There were 35 passing TDs but 25 INTs. I don’t really have any frame of reference for whether that’s a bad scoring-to-turnover ratio, but I’m pretty sure it means everybody sucks.
** There is nothing more fun than watching a 292-pound defensive lineman rumble 98-yards on a fumble return for a TD ... unless you get to see the Eagles defensive backs manhandle Niners QB Alex Smith while it happens.
** Only one team failed to score a TD this week –- Hotlanta –- but since it was the highest watched game in ESPN history (10.8 million viewers) I felt the need to point out how embarrassing that was.
** The race for the number 1 pick next year (Notre Dame’s Brady Quinn, who will be a tremendous bust) tightened up this week. Detroit, Houston, Tampa Bay and Cleveland are all 0-3, and Oakland narrowly avoided a loss on its bye this week.

Fantasy football recap, week 2

---- Top Performers
QB: Rex Grossman, 35.56 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, 29.50 points -- started by Ant
WR: Amani "It's not a" Toomer, 33.13 points -- started by Neal
TE: Desmond Clark, 16.67 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
K: Nate Kaeding, 17.00 points -- started by Jeff
DEF: Baltimore, 32.00 points -- started by Heidi
          Yeah, I was surprised Peyton Manning (400 yards, 3TDs, 34.20 points) wasn't at the top too.

---- Worst Performers, "awful teams" edition
3rd place: Kerry Collins, -1.72 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
2nd place: Aaron Brooks, -4.00 points -- sitting on Ant's bench
1st place: Tennessee, -6.00 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
          Brooks had no completions and two fumbles in his game. Meanwhile, Tennessee's defense was as bad as can be, giving up 40 points and recording no sacks, turnovers, or any other signs of life.

---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
          Nevermind -- we're back to honoring Andy with this one.
          In fact, Andy's coaching was so bad he gets the award this week. Second and one? That's a passing down. Third and one? That's a passing down. Fourth and one? That's definitely a passing down. Fifth and one? Well, now we're talking about college football referees...
          If Reid had pulled the entire team off the field before the fourth quarter started, I'm not sure the result would have been worse. And Shockey might have ended up with a few catches then.
          Honorable mention goes to Jeff, who's gonna start Panthers WR Steve Smith no matter what the injury report says (Two weeks, no points).

---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
          First thing Monday morning, I heard this gem on DC sports radio from Andy Pollie (who is a pretty good sports guys for considering he roots for a soulless, inept and borderline racist franchise):
          "So the Redskins first team offense is still struggling, and the team looks as if it's headed to an 0-6 start, but it's not time to panic yet."
          They're playing the Texans next week. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't predicting an 0-6 start two games into the season with Houston on the way the very definition of panicking?

---- Fun with stat projections, week 2
** Eagles DE Trent Cole has four sacks and is on pace for 32 for the season. The record, as you know from last week, is 22 (and not 22.5)
** Colts QB Peyton Manning has 676 passing yards and is on pace for 5,408 for the season. For comparison's sake, the current record is 5,084 yards by Dan Marino in 1984. Incidentally, the record for complaints about Dan Marino in a single afternoon is held by my father, also at 5,084.
** Hotlanta RB Warrick Dunn has 266 rushing yards and is on pace to rush for 2,128 yards. For comparison's sake, the current record is 2,105 by Eric Dickerson in 1984. (What was going on in 1984?)
** Broncos QB Jake Plummer has five turnovers (four INTs, one fumble) and is on pace for 40 turnovers on the year. He also is on pace to throw zero touchdowns this season.
** Saints RB Reggie Bush has 72 yards rushing and is on pace for the most exciting 576 yards rushing the NFL has ever seen. He's also on pace to crack the 1,000 yard rushing barrier in week 11 of the 2007 season, at which point he should achieve sainthood.

---- Stupidest thing I read this week
          In case you missed Sports Illustrated this week, here’s a bit from their column on the lowlights of sideline reporting over the last 20 years:
          “In 2005, Nebraska coach Bill Callahan is doused with Gatorade after a win over Colorado. ABC’s Suzy Schuster asks him, ‘Was that one of the most gratifying dumps you’ve had?’”

---- Bad college football updates
** The Temple Owls lost 62-0 to Minnesota on Saturday, the second week in a row they've lost by that tally. The team is 0-3 and has been outscored 133 to 3 so far this season. On the positive side, they are averaging an easy-to-calculate 1.0 points per game.
** The Delaware Fighting Blue Hens lost to the Albany Great Danes 17-10 Saturday in the much hyped "mascots with misleading superlatives" bowl. Even more upsetting than the heavily favored Hens taking a hit in their quest for another I-AA championship, Delaware LB Shon Jablonsky did not play in the contest.
** The Division III Ursinus College Baby Bears beat the Division I-AA LaSalle Explorers 6-2 on Saturday in one of the program's biggest wins ever. The exciting contest was 0-2 at the half and featured back-to-back pass interference penalties against LaSalle before the Bears scored their only TD.
** In Division II action, Midwestern State beat Northeastern State 73-34 in a shootout that was clearly made up by the NCAA because neither of these schools actually exists. Midwestern State vs. Northeastern State? C'mon. Next up on the schedule is Pacific Northwest University vs. Traditional Southern Black College.
---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
          Let's stay on the Cowboys new players theme and see what "Dallas Cowboys Kicker Mike Vanderjagt" has coming:
**** Go-to jerk lacks aim, clanks wide. Very bad. ****
          For the record, Vanderjagt was two-for-two on field goals this Sunday but two-for-five on attempts in the preseason, including three misses on game-winning attempts. So the anagrams must be true. It's the only explanation.

-- Our standings so far
** First place: Get drunk and screw, Neal -- 298.36 points
** Second place: The War on Terrell, Mike -- 293.03 points
** Third place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi -- 290.95 points
          And there's a lovely 28-point gulf between third and fourth, meaning team "Just returned from Prague" is starting to pull away. But how about Neal? Where'd that come from? That’s like Trent Cole having four sacks. Who knew?

---- For the record
** This week only six teams didn’t score any touchdowns. Last week it was seven, so the quality of play must be getting better, right?
** And while we’re talking about lousy football, Monday featured five baseball games that had more scoring than that 9 to zip clunker thrown down by Pittsburgh and Jacksonville. Maybe they had trouble keeping their balance on that field, considering it’s covered in Donovan puke (two games there, two McNabb losses, two lost lunches there).
** In case seeing David Akers get in a fight during the Giants game on Sunday wasn't enough kickers kicking ass for you, I present the video of David Akers with his favorite hobby: kickboxing.

Re: Eagles game today

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Glad we never got around to getting that big RB for fourth and one situations.

Fantasy football recap, week 1

---- Top Performers
QB: Donovan McNabb, 29.26 points -- started by Ant
RB: Frank Gore, 30.23 points -- started by Eric
WR: Donte Stallworth, 21.60 points -- started by Capt. Awesome
TE: Tony Gonzalez, 21.40 points -- started by Joanna
K: Jeff Wilkins, 21.00 points -- sitting on Heidi’s bench
DEF: (tie) Baltimore, 30.00 points -- started by Heidi
DEF: (tie) Chicago, 30.00 points -- started by Mike
          Nice work, Heidi. We could have had a nice line-up here, but you ruined opening weekend for everyone by not starting a kicker who went six for seven. I hope you’re happy.

---- Worst Performers, staring QB edition
3rd place: Chris Simms, -0.38 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
2nd place: Vince Young, -0.92 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
1st place: Jake Plummer, -2.48 points -- sitting on Paul’s bench
          As I’ve said in the past, in this league it’s very difficult to end up with negative points next to your name, what with our fancy 21st century scoring and all. But leave it to Jake the Snake not to disappoint. We haven’t seen scores this low since Patrick Ramsey last started a game.
          By the way, Ramsey is still in the league with the Jets, so we could see this nadir sent lower soon.

---- The weekly award in remembrance of “the Jeff Kemeter blown call of the week”
          For any of you newcomers each week we hand out an award to the coach who left the most points on the bench, and pay tribute to bad coaches of the past. For a while this was the Andy Reid blown call of the week, but since he successfully ran a two-minute drill for the first time in his eight-year tenure with the Iggles, his name comes off the award.
      Jeff won this prize so many times that we eventually named it after him, but then he turned around and won the league last year, so I promised to rename the weekly shame.
          And true to my word, I have. Instead of the Jeff Kemeter blown call of the week, we know have the weekly award in remembrance of the Jeff Kemeter blown call of the week. (It was either that or name it after Mike Tice, but certain people get angry every time I mention he’s the only active NFL coach to kill one of his players.)
          This week’s award goes to Eric -- he actually only left 26 points on his bench, nearly the same as me, but he sent me an e-mail taunting me for his 0.31-point lead in the standings. It's never good to get cocky early in the season; just look at the Cowboys. So he gets the booby prize.
          We’ll come up with a better name soon, I promise.

-- Fun with trend projections
** Iggles WR Donte Stallworth is on pace for 2,256 receiving yards. For comparison's sake, Jerry Rice in 1995 had 1,848 receiving yards, the most ever in NFL history.
** Broncos QB Jake Plummer is on pace for 48 interceptions and 16 fumbles. For comparison's sake, the single season TEAM record for turnovers is 63 by the 1978 Niners.
** Packers RB Samko Gado is on pace to rush for minus-112 yards. For comparison's sake, Packers RB Ahman Green rushed for plus-110 yards on Sunday.
** Saints DT Brian Young is on pace for 48 sacks this season. For comparison's sake, the single season record for sacks is Jets DE Mark Gastineau with 22 in 1984. Giants DE Michael Strahan posted 22.5 sacks in 2002, but we all know he's a big fat fraud.
** The Cowboys are on pace to go 0-16. For comparison’s sake, that would be awesome.

-- Most insulting thing I heard this week
          Usually this is the stupidest thing I heard this week, but separating one idiotic Joe Thiesmann comment from the next is getting more and more difficult.
          But if you survived his drunken fawning over the Maryland Injuns, you may have stuck around for game two and heard Bonnie Bernstein drop this gem about back-QB-turned-starter Philip Rivers before he took the field and whipped Oakland:
          “Win or lose one member of the his family will be excited about tonight. Rivers told me his two-year-old son keeps asking why Dad doesn’t wear a helmet like the other guys.”
          Ouch. You two-year-old noticed you don’t do much work at work. Ouch.

-- Our standings so far
** First place: The War on Terrell, Mike, 156.67 points
** Second place: Hall of Fame Bus Drivers, Joanna, 149.93
** Third place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi, 142.58
          Great -- an all-Doyle top three. I keep adding teams to stop this sorta thing from happening, people. Try and shape up.

-- "Everybody sucks" stat of the week
          For those of you scoring at home, there were a grand total of seven teams who didn't score a touchdown this weekend. Two of those were by winning teams (the Rams, 18-10, and the Seahawks, 9-6) which, if the football gods were just, would only count as a tie.
          Three of them were shutouts; The Packers, Bucs and Raiders were outscored by a combined 80 to zip. The last time there were three shutouts in the opening weekend was 1977, when there were five (no, the Eagles won 13-3 that week). And none of those five teams made the playoffs.
          However, in 2003 the Patsies were shut out 31-0 by the Bills in week one, and they went on to beat the steroid-laden Panthers in the Super Bowl that year. So maybe there is still hope for Packers fans.
          And maybe Doug Pederson will win the Super Bowl MVP trophy.

-- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
          Admit it, you’ve been waiting for it to come back. And you’ve known all along who it would be too. So lets look closely at “First-team wide receiver Terrell ‘T.O.’ Owens” and see what it says about the blackness in his soul:
          *** Crier lies often. Worst wart ever. Let ‘em die ***
          The letters never lie, my friends.

-- For the record
** I went 11-5 in my picks against Dad this week in the annual "Battle for Pride" contest, while Dad and his pro-Dallas choices were a mere 9-7. If I remember correctly this is the 11th year we've matched wits during the regular season, picking every game. Dad is 9-2 over that stretch, but he's 0-1 since I began combat operations here at Fort Awesome.
** The Fighting Blue Hens of the University of Delaware opened last week with a 30-7 pounding of the West Chester Chestnuts last week. They're 11th in the polls, and have a linebacker named Shon Jablonsky which is just flat-out awesome.
** The Eagles were 12-1 in games where TO scored a touchdown. The Cowboys are 0-1 in games where he scores. I'm just saying...
** The recaps are gonna be on this site from now on, so be sure to check back next Wednesday for your weekly updates. I'll quiz you frequently to see if you're reading.

Capt. Hollywood

So, in keeping with the "I have no idea what my job description really is" theme, I covered the D.C. red carpet premiere of the new Ashton Kutcher/Kevin Costner movie about the Coast Guard. My story on the making of the movie will appear in the paper ... someday. The movie doesn't actually open until Sept. 29. And it won't open overseas until later than that.

By why wait until then to share with you all the new Hollywood knowledge I picked up?

Here are a few tidbits:

-- The red carpet is about as thick as astroturf (not very) and was laid down on a city street, closing off one lane of a four-lane road. I'm going out on a limb here, but from what the drivers stuck in traffic were yelling I don't think they'll be paying to see this movie.

-- There is a man whose whole job in life is to figure out where the potholes are underneath the carpet, and then keep celebs from tripping on them. He is was pretty bad at it too.

-- There were a ton of Asian movie stars at the premiere, including Ken Watanabe and Ziyi Zhang. There are no Asian actors in this movie. Your guess is as good as mine.

-- Girls will scream whether or not they actually can see Ashton, but they will stop if they figure out they're just looking at reporters.

-- Clancy Brown, who appeared in several flashbacks on ABC's Lost, has not been asked back to the show yet and has no idea what's going on.

-- Media on the red carpet are given an 8x10 inch plot to stand on while the celebs stroll by. If you have a photographer, they are supposed to stand on your shoulders. If you wander away, "they" will come get you. As we made jokes about this, Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff walked by. I guess they were serious.

-- Sela Ward looked very good, considering she's Kevin Costner old. Kevin Costner looked Kevin Costner old. Demi Moore looked like a skinny 12-year-old wearing a trash bag.

-- Most reporters on the red carpet have no idea why they're there or what they're supposed to do. Neither did the Coast Guard guys, but at least they were in uniform.

-- Ashton Kutcher was impressed by my mini-recorder/MP3 player, and told me so. He was uninterested in just about everything else. But he took the movie role because he sees the Coast Guard as "real life heroes," then in a non-sequitor ripped football players for being frauds.

-- Access Hollywood is way higher on the pecking order than any print media. I talked to Ashton Kutcher, for the love of gawd, but I couldn't get near their cameraman or see if Billy Bush was around.

No pictures because my camerawoman had a family emergency, but I'll look on the entertainment wire tomorrow to see if I snuck in any.

League predictions

Now that we’ve drafted the fantasy football teams, let the guessing and taunting begin. I'm working on a way so that folks not in the league can view the weekly standings, but FYI here’s how everything will shake out at the end of the year:

TEAM: Team SmartyPants, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 2000 points, 11th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: The new kid always gets ranked last. He’s the only one of us who didn’t draft two kickers, so he gets credit for that, but he also has Jake Plummer at QB and only one RB on his roster. Also, his first round pick was for an Arizona Cardinal (Larry Fitzgerald). It’s that kind of poor strategy that will keep this team down.

TEAM: Cut and Run, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 2025 points, 10th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: You have to get deep into Jim’s roster before you find a player I don’t hate. New Jersey QB Eli Manning, Dallas RB Julius Jones, Dallas K Mike Vanderjagt, Maryland RB Clinton Portis, Maryland TE Chris Cooley, Tampa WR Joey Galloway … and some shmuck with the initials T.O. His team could be good, but I ain’t gonna be heaping any praise on a team which runs on pure evil.

TEAM: Get drunk and screw, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2050 points, 9th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Neal’s team looks really good, considering he doesn’t have any WRs on the roster. Jerry Porter? Eddie Kennison? I guess Westbrook is more of a WR than an RB, but still. Most importantly, Neal ended up with the Fred Taylor booby prize, so that drops his ranking significantly. When Taylor heard he was drafted by someone, he jumped up and down with excitement, then hyperextended his knee.

TEAM: Hall of Fame Bus Drivers, Joanner
PROJECTED FINISH: 2075 points, 8th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Joanner has three teams she’s following this year, and there is no shot she’ll have any clue what’s going on with this team by week five. Also, every year I rate her team high and it stinks, so this year I’m using reverse psychology. She does have a mess of good Carolina and Pittsburgh players, including the Steelers starting three WRs from two years ago (Hines Ward, Plaxico Burress and Antwann Randle El). If only she had rooted for the right Pennsylvania team….

TEAM: JapanUSRelations, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 2100 points, 7th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: True story – Ant called me on Saturday asking for where he could look up injury reports because he didn’t want to draft someone who was hurt. Then, with his second pick, he took Dominick Davis. Then, Sunday morning, the Texans announced Davis would be out for the season with an injury. There’s a bad luck vibe around Ant’s team, and I don’t think having LaDanian Tomlinson and Donovan McNabb will be enough to overcome that.

TEAM: Clarett’s protoge, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 2125 points, 6th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Joel doesn’t have a single skill position on a team which plays in this time zone. That’s tough to do. He should get some sort of award for that, but I don’t give out those kind of prizes. Well, I don’t give them out until halfway through the year, when I scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to write.

TEAM: Red Shirteys, Eric
PROJECTED FINISH: 2150 points, 5th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: If you missed out on getting RBs, Eric took them. He has six, including fake QB Michael Vick and rookies Reggie Bush and LenDale White. That could be a fearsome twosome, if Eric can figure out how to keep LenDale from spitting in everyone’s faces.

TEAM: The War on Terrell, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2175 points, 4th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Mike said he didn’t set his draft order, which is significant because his team still looks better than most. Peyton Manning, a couple of good RBs, Chad Johnson and the best defense in the league (Chicago). But there’s nothing worse than an inattentive manager who is too busy jetting around the world to some take time deciding whether Denver RB Tatum Bell is a better pick than Denver RB Mike Bell. So he can’t possibly win the title.

TEAM: Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2200 points, 3rd place
WHAT TO EXPECT: I’ve drafted three fantasy teams now and I’ve got Javon Walker on all three, so three seems like a good spot for me. Go figure. I’ve got Akers doing my kicking and a nice collection of good RBs. But most importantly, I used my first round pick to take an Arizona Cardinal (Edgerrin James). It’s that kind of bold strategy that’s gonna take me to the top.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 2225 points, 2nd place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Tom Brady, Willie Parker, Ronnie Brown, Steve Smith – that’s a pretty good crew for somebody who got screwed with the last pick. But the key for Jeff this year is gonna be his excellent waiver wire deals. Sure, in the four years he’s been in the league he’s never dropped or added a player, but this is gonna be the year, I can feel it.

TEAM: Heidi is too slow, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 2250 points, 1st place
WHAT TO EXPECT: C’mon, this team isn’t even that good. But once again Heidi ended up with a mess of underrated players – Chris Chambers, Santana Moss, Mark Bulger, Baltimore’s defense – who could produce a lot of points. Baltimore RB Jamal Lewis looks like junk, but she always ends up with one player who goes nuts early on. So I’m picking up Jamal in my other leagues. Two predictions: Heidi finishes first, and she changes her team name by next weekend.

Remember to get your rosters set by Thursday for the ridiculous “We’re the NFL but we’re acting but the NCAA” season opener. Good luck, losers.

Stupid BGE

Sorry for the delay, but we won't be drafting the fantasy teams until later tonight -- Fort Awesome lost power for about 18 hours thanks to the remnants of Hurricane Ernie and Baltimore Gas 'n Electric's incompetence. This is about the 10th time in the last two years our lights have gone out. They're considering changing their name over to Baltimore Gas, because they no longer really provide electricity to any of their customers.

Of course, it was a bad storm ...


We lost about half of the big tree out front. It looks pretty bad, but to be fair that beechwood pear is the Buckhalter of our lawn-and-garden all-star team. Since we began operations at the fort, I'm not sure it's made it more than two months without a major injury.


Still, that's a pretty thick section of trunk to lose. I posed with my sweet, sweet sneakers to give you some sense of scale.

Fantasy football draft order

It's time for the annual "Who needs linebackers" fantasy football league, where I get a chance to prove I know more about football than everyone I know (except Heidi). But before we can start picking teams, we've got to establish our draft order, based off last year's competition.

The Heidi rule instituted last season is still in effect, so the top four teams from last year get the bottom four spots in this year's draft order, to ensure that Heidi gets screwed with a late pick and to give the rest of us a chance to win this league.

11. Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
10. Heidi is too slow, Heidi
9. The War on Terrell, Mike
8. Red Shirteys, Eric

Everyone else gets their names dropped in the Eagles hat for an NBA style draft lottery. Our representatives from each team are present for today's excitement, so let's have Joanna pull the first name:

7. Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome

DAMN!!!! I spent all this time coming up with a screwy draft order lottery only to get the worst pick I could end up with. Joanna is laughing at me and promising not to tell if we decide to repick to get me a better pick. She's officially on probation -- joking about rigging the draft order is as bad as taking steroids in baseball. And they don't allow that kind of thing. Onto the next pick:

6. Team SmartyPants, Paul

The new guy gets a pick in the dead center. Paul's team representative, a soccer ball bean bag, yawns with excitement. Being a soccer ball, it's used to being bored. Onto the next pick:

5. Cut and Run, Jim

Jim's representative, a copy of this week's Washington Post magazine, asks me "Can God straighten out your finances?" I feel like his team might not be focused on this whole event. Onto the next pick:

4. Get Drunk and Screw, Neal

That's the second year in a row Neal got a pretty good pick. We may have to figure out a way to screw him next year. No, not that way. Coincidentally, his team representative, a screw holding up one of our family room blinds, looks so excited it might fall out of the wall. Or maybe that's just shoddy workmanship on my part. Onto the next pick:

3. Clarett's protege, Joel

After getting stuck with a late pick last year Joel gets a plum spot in this year's contest. His representative, my Ohio State Hat, responds by pulling a gun on me, taking my cell phone, then getting arrested by Columbus police. Why they are hanging out around DC is beyond me.

It's worth nothing that Joanna's demeanor has suddenly gone from excited to terrified, as she realizes that we might have to redo this whole lottery if she doesn't pull her name next. Nobody is going to believe we did this on the up-and-up if she gets the top spot. So with great trepidation she reaches into the Eagles hat and pulls out:

2. HoF Bus Drivers, Joanner

And now she's happy again. Joanna's representative, Joanna, resumes taunting me. This has not been an easy day at Fort Awesome.

With all the picks gone, that leaves the top spot to:

1. JapanUSRelations, Ant

Oh, gawd, what have we done? It's like handing the car keys to a six-year-old. Sure, it sounds like fun, and you know he'll be a better driver than most of the people on the road, especially that guy in the car next to you, with his overstarched suit and his fancy bluetooth earpiece, and you just know he's gonna cut you off when you get up to that merge, but you're the bad guy because you're wondering if you could flick a piece of gum into his car window, and ... where was I?

Anthony's team representative, a "Welcome Home" sign with a signature of Vince Papale, is so excited by the win that it starts singing the wrong words to the Eagles fight song. It stops only when my Ohio State hat pulls out it's gun again.

Bets are now open on Ant taking an Eagle with the top pick over all prevailing logic. It's admirable, but also terribly misguided.

So that's the order, kids. The moment of truth will take place on Saturday. I'll switch the league's draft status over to ready sometime around noon, so make sure you set your player rankings by then. If you end up with Clinton Portis and his shattered shoulder with the number 5 pick, well, I warned you.

Any questions, drop me a line.

Fun with blogger

I've been having some problems logging on for the past few days, so sorry for the erratic posts. I'll get my technical problems resolved and get used to my new/old routine again soon, and we'll be back to funny postings.

In the meantime, might I suggest a scholarly essay on why the trash compactor in Star Wars wouldn't be practical?

It's either that on an extended lecture by me on how Donte Stallworth could change the face of the NFC East. And it's pretty late to get me started on that.

Pizza Pizza Pizza

Guiseppe's Pizza and Invincible tonight, and Snakes on a Plane last night. Does it get better than this?

Going back to work on Monday is going to be really, really rough.

Back to WAR...minster

I've been back to home home for just over 15 hours now and still haven't told any stories that have really upset Mom, so everybody is happy.

We're looking forward to seeing everyone this weekend prior to an en masse "Invincible" viewing, which will be punctuated by news that G has been named the Eagles new #3 receiver. But before that is Guiseppe's pizza. Right now the odds of me actually waiting until Saturday to eat there are about five-to-one, but I have made it 15 hours so far.

Projecting the season

In honor of Madden Day yesterday, I finished the Eagles 2006 regular season I'd been playing with last year's copy of the game. I know it's not a perfect projection, but the game is pretty realistic and I think it's probably a good indication of how the Eagles will finish up. So here are the stats:

Team stats
Team record	16 wins, 0 losses
Points for	1,264 points (157 offensive TDs)
Points allowed	64 points
Points scored by my defense	102 points (17 defensive TDs)

Individual offense stats
Donovan McNabb	6,685 passing yards, 96 TDs, 8 INTs
Brian Westbrook (ground)	2,561 rushing yards, 45 TDs, 7 fumbles
Brian Westbrook (air)	1,278 receiving yards, 18 TDs
Reggie Brown	2,015 receiving yards, 31 TDs
David Akers	4 field goals, 171 extra points

Individual defense stats
Jeremiah Trotter	79 tackles, 39 sacks, 5 INTs, 3 fumbles, 2 safeties
Javon Kearse	62 tackles, 37 sacks, 1 INT, 2 fumbles, 1 TD
Sheldon Brown	32 tackles, 18 INTs, 6 TDs
Lito Shepard	48 tackles, 15 INTs, 1 sack, 1 fumble, 4 TDs
Brian Dawkins	49 tackles, 7 INTs, 1 TD

McNabb won the MVP, Westbrook the offensive player of the year, and Trotter the defensive player of the year. The team had 17 starters on the Pro Bowl (no Akers, though).

Like I said, it's not a perfect prediction. But I think it's reasonable to assume McNabb will have somewhere around 6,000 yards passing, and that Trotter will nearly double the sack record this year.

Enjoying the fort

I'm so excited to be back in the land of laundry that I'm considering changing my shirts every hour just because I can. And I get to wear shirts with colors in them too, not just the gray and gray with gray in it tee-shirts that I was resigned to in Afghanistan. I'm thinking about rainbow suspenders just to add to the effect. Rainbow suspenders are still cool, right?

Speaking of colors, I also got my purple heart in the mail this week, courtesy of Aunt Olga and her crafts expertise, for my dive down a mortar pit last month.

If I haven't told you the story, don't worry: You'll hear it soon. There's nothing funnier than nearly breaking your neck because you don't know how to work a flashlight.

Well, maybe there's something funnier, but it would probably involve me actually breaking my neck. And I'm not willing to go that far for a joke.

Officially back on base

Holy guacamole. It's good to be home.

I've turned the title of this site back over to it's previous name, and I've spent the last 20 hours enjoying everything the fort has to offer -- giant couch, carpeted floors, a bed with sheets, running water. You have no idea how exciting flush toilets are.

After some more R&R the darling wife and I will be heading up north to Philly to see a lot of you folks. I'll post a few more trip things over the next few days, and then after that this blog will return to it's "something funny at least once a week" goal.

I was just gonna start posting my football stats again, but now I'm thinking I'll have to expand those plans. Daily updates of how much I've showered? Weekly rants from Quinn? Hourly information on how much the Eagles WRs stink?

So stay tuned.

And we're back!!!!

Home safe and sound, but so sleepy. So sleepy..........

Phase Two of Operation GetOut

The flight is tomorrow at noon, and if all goes well I'm on the ground by 3 p.m. That leaves just enough time for packing and a few more liters of beer.

After that, it's officially back On base at Fort Awesome (now with awesome tiger pit, apparently).

See y'all soon.

In response to your questions...

-- Yes, I did find something to do today, and tomorrow too. But nothing that interesting or photogenic.

-- German dark beer does rival Ying-ling, but really it's just a whole different food group. The best Bratwurst does not compare to Steak in the Pot. And frankly I think it's heresy to even suggest that.

-- Blue Moon is quite possibly the nastiest beer I've ever drank in my life. I'd rather down some blue Mad Dog than have another sip of that junk.

-- I have seen the Snakes on a Plane sounds web site but I have yet to find a computer where I can get it to work. Maybe this weekend.

-- Only two days left before the flight.

In case you missed it

Troy Aikman Becomes First Robot Inducted Into Pro Football Hall Of Fame

Beer beer beer!

I made it up to Darmstadt yesterday, turned in my body armor and headed out with a few Europe friends for some good dark German al-key-hol -- Not too much, but enough to make me very, very happy.

Now it's just a matter of riding out the rest of the week. I've got a bit of paperwork to take care of, and had my visit with the shrink today (all of our deployed folks need to sit down with a counselor to make sure we haven't cracked up.) She said I'm running a little high still, because I didn't stop talking for about 30 minutes. I told her that after she identified herself as a Giants fan I dismissed everything else she had to say. So I'm still making friends everywhere I go.

Tomorrow ... I dunno. Practicing my German beer-ordering skills?

Getting closer

I'm going to try to get up to Darmstadt today, the very last stop on my tour of the world before heading home. I ended up spending an extra night in Ramstein last night when my editors found out the free shuttle north doesn't run on Sundays.

So, my choices were:

a) pay 150 euro to get a cab up to Frankfurt, and have someone pick me up there

b) pay 48 U.S. bucks to stay in the officer's suite on base here and watch American TV and eat pizza for an extra day and sleep in a king-sized bed with real sheets, something I haven't had for more than a month (I've been using a sleeping bag)

Yeah, life is rough. I'm thinking I might miss that shuttle again today....

I told you I'd find one

Quite possibly the most annoying part of the trip happened late Friday night as I tried to leave Afghanistan, when myself and the 16 other folks on my flight had to go through customs. Usually, civilian customs means somebody opening your bag, asking you if you have anything illegal and then sending you on your merry way.

Army customs meant I had to empty all of my tightly packed bags on the floor, have someone examine each item individually and give me a 20-minute lecture about the criminal charges I could face if I was found carrying any contraband.

Among the things they asked me to throw away:

-- My lighter.

-- My sudafed. I had mixed them in with my aspirin, and apparently that means I was trying to smuggle unmarked and potentially illegal drugs into the U.S.

-- My bug spray. I got this bug spray from the Pentagon. It's Army issued. But it was against the law for me to bring it back into the country where I got it, so now it's in the trash.

-- My anti-malaria meds. I had mixed some calcium pills in with them, so I ran into the drug-smuggling problem again. The whole "but I don't want to get malaria" argument wasn't working. When the guy turned his back, I dumped the calcium pills and convinced him I had a second bottle of the drugs with me, one that wasn't "tainted." He let me keep them.

It was a royal pain in the butt. All of us were standing around complaining about the ridiculous threats these MPs were making, how late it was, how slow the process was, and how we'd fit everything back into the bags.

The guy next to me had a huge duffel and pulled out all sorts of CDs, DVDs, electronics gear and, at the very end, this:



You could have knocked me over with Todd Pinkston's skinny legs. I asked him why he was carrying around a parking sign, and Sgt. Dove replied "Because I'm from Jersey, and I've been a birds fan my whole life."

And I know that doesn't answer the real question, but at the time that made perfect sense to me. In fact, I wondered why I wasn't carrying around an Eagles sign.

We chatted for a few minutes as we packed all our stuff back up, and he said he'd been up in Kabul for the last few days, so he and a few friends got up early to watch that first pre-season game there. That's why I couldn't find Eagles fans to watch the game with -- they were stationed somewhere else. I knew it couldn't be that there were no McNabb loyalists out there.

But I told you I'd find some birds fans out here. We're everywhere.

Ohmigawd Ohmigawd

It rained last night in Germany. Actual, factual rain. The kind that comes down in water drops. I can't tell you how exciting that was.

Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Stan

Taking Major Dingus' advice I am indeed joyfully singing today. No more war zones for Capt. Awesome -- I am officially back in Germany, safe and sound.

I'll give you all a full rundown of my fight with customs, including quite possibly the most important event of my entire time in Afghanistan occurring about 20 minutes before I left the country, but not until tomorrow. Now, I'm relaxing happily in a swanky military hotel suite and enjoying the remnants of my first pizza and beer dinner in more than a month. I never thought Corona would taste that good ....

We'll get to the real German beers once I have a little food in my system. I spent about 11 hours on planes over the last two days, and I'm worried that a tall, dark one after my month-long abstinence from alcohol and combined with no food might knock me down for good.

And the Falcons/Patsies replay just came on TV. Could I ask for more?

I could. But for now, this is pretty sweet.

Proof of photo skills, part 2

Photo gallery -- lunchtime

They don't look half bad. It almost as if I learned a little bit about how that camera thingie works.

Phase One of Operation GetOut

I've got a flight headed to Manus in three hours, in what I hope is the first step of my trip back home. There are two more flights into Kyrzygstan tonight, so even if this one gets cancelled I still should be able to get out. I mean ....

<< wait for it >>

<< wait for it >>

... I can't stay down with three flights. Not with three flights.

Hopefully once I get there I'll find some flights to Germany quickly. So stay tuned, and keep your fingers crossed.

Holy Baskett!

Did you see that catch? Did you see that throw?

And can someone explain to me why we've played two pre-season games and no one else in our division has had one yet?

Proof of work, part #26

Commanders clarify humvee policy

Pissed off a few folks with a story earlier in the week, so there was a "clarification" press release put out that I had to follow up. Good to know I'm making friends wherever I go.

Last night in town ....

... maybe.

Tomorrow morning I start the quest to find a flight from here back to European civilization. That probably means I won't actually leave for three or four more days, but it also means I'll officially stop trying to get real work done. I've got two more stories in tomorrow's paper, and frankly I've written enough.

And once I'm back in Europe, there should be no other flight issues. After all, international flights from Europe to the U.S. look like they're running as smooth as ever ...

... wait a minute ...

GAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!

OK, we'll deal with that headache once we're out of the war zone. One step at a time here.

Proof of work, part 25

Reporter's notebook: Football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This guy already sent me a note saying that he's registered the domain name sportsaholics.anonymous (or something like that) and is seeking professional help. I told him if anyone ever questions his loyalty as an NFL fan to have them call me, and I'll testify that he's a true football nut.

Of course, I'm not saying he's the greatest football fan in Afghanistan. There was another guy in the room who could name nearly all the starters on the field (Eagles and Raiders) and kept yelling at Jeff Garcia for stinking up the joint....

Mom 1, Military 0

Let this be a lesson -- don't doubt Mom's prayers. A freak sandstorm blew in as my flight was scheduled to head down to the last embed, and once it cleared up an electrical problem in an infrared light grounded the helicopter.

The bad news is I spent seven hours on the tarmac with nothing to show for it. The good news is my boss said enough is enough, and told me to stay put until Saturday and then start heading back to Germany. It won't get me home any earlier than the 18th, but it likely will keep me from getting caught in country for longer (a real concern with how unreliable these flights are.)

So I'll spend the next few days seeing if I can file a few more stories and then start looking at flights to Germany (or more likely, a return to Krysyscystan.) And, of course, I'll start setting up the fantasy football league. I think we're up to 11, but there's always room for #12. But you've gotta be able to name the Eagles starting defensive line.

Proof of work, part 24

New road could lead to new industry for one village

No, I didn't get a chance to see the blue marble. They may have been making it up.

For the record ...

Just to clear up a few loose ends:

-- Bagram, where I've been for the last week, has nice showers and a laundry room. I'm not saying that I actually qualify as "clean," but I don't smell funny.

-- I'm supposed to travel today, but my flight has already been delayed by 14 hours. Mom has been praying that the flight gets cancelled altogether so that I can start heading back towards home, but so far she has only managed about half of the full-day's delay we'd need for that. Still, don't mess with mom.

-- Despite what I said, I did not see the whole pre-season game. I actually missed about half of the fourth quarter when there was a power outage on base. The lights came back on just in time to see Bruce Perry's concussion. Ugh.

-- I missed Hank Baskett's work too. But let me be the first to say that when he catches his first TD, if Chris Berman doesn't say "And McNabb PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKETT" I'll be very disappointed.

Proof of work, part 23

Afghanistan will have to wait for more armored vehicles

I was supposed to have story #24 today too -- a recap of watching the football game with my AF Niners' friend -- but my moron of an editor screwed it up and threw it away. It's a shame that my whole trip is going to be marred when I get back to Germany and kick his incompetent ass.

I'll see if we can work the football story into a notebook later this week.

Proof of work, part 22

Border security still poses problems

I've got some good photos coming up later in the week. This one is awful.

And no meat sweats in Bagram...

Time for some football-themed “good news, bad news” after last night’s game:

Bad news – I didn’t find any birds fans over here. Very disappointing.
Good news – I did find the game and a Niners fan to watch it with, and we’ll see if I can make a story out of that.

Good news – I got to watch almost the whole game before I needed to get back to work.
Bad news – Boy, Jeff Garcia looks pretty bad.

Bad news – I saw way too much Troy Aikman and Harry Carson during that broadcast.
Good news – I like this new “ronning" game they tried out. Am I spelling that right? Ronning? It’s like passing, but without the passing.

Good news – I got to see a 55-yard Akers field goal and can now identify Timmy Chang as the Eagles’ fourth string QB.
Bad news – Boy, Jeff Garcia looks bad. Really, really bad.

Bad news – I’m moving again tomorrow, so I can’t promise when the next update will come in.
Good news – Only a few days left, and then I’ll be back in the land of pizza and beer planning the Labor Day party.

Pure torture

I'm sitting outside of the Bagram media center (shack) fighting with my work e-mail, and a bunch of guys from the DEA pulled out a grill and some thick steaks and chicken breasts. The delicious smoke is blowing into my face as I type. And I even though they're cooking five feet away, there's a 10-foot barbed-wire fence between me and the meats, so I've got no shot at stealing dinner.

Not cool. When I get back to Fort Awesome, I'm not sharing any of my grilling with them.

Please don't confuse this kind of torture with the Bagram detention facility across the street from the other side of the media center (shack), where I'm sure there is no torture going on whatsoever.

More QB controversy

Gee, who would have figured mentioning Dan Marino would send Dad into a crazed rant?

For the record, the five greatest non-Eagles QBs are:

1 -- Joe Montana
2 -- John Elway
3 -- Joe Montana
4 -- Warren Moon
5 -- Steve Young, when he was playing behind Joe Montana

The five greatest Eagles QBs of all time are:

5 -- Jim McMahon
4 -- Ron Jaworski
3 -- Randall Cunningham
2 -- Donovan McNabb
1 -- Brian Dawkins. Don't even question it. You know he could. I have a NHL video game at Fort Awesome that proves he's the greatest hockey center of all time as well. He's a bit short, so he'd come in just behind Jordan in basketball.

So sleeeeepy.....

I had a long one today – I was up late watching fireworks between my conservative Soldier of Fortune friend and a liberal author who both hate the media, then got up early to go running around in the mountains with reconstruction teams talking about the importance of retaining walls, then covered a late press conference where I learned that there is a border between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

Nothing in the paper again tomorrow, but I’ll have a few in the first few days next week. More importantly, I found out there will be a football watching party on base early Sunday morning – 4:30 am – so I’ve got the chance of finding actual factual Iggles fans on the other side of the world.

And there will be photos. Oh yes, there will be photos.

Greatest QB ever

Just so you all know I'm doing OK, even over here I got in a fight about Dan Marino. So the conditions can't be that different from home, right?

For the record, I was on the "Marino is not one of the top five QBs ever" side this time, as opposed to the normal "Dad is insane when he says Marino was a terrible QB" argument that I'm forced into. The conversation quickly turned when my table mate challenged my assertion that Joe Montana was the greatest ever, at which point he was struck down by a group of Afghan youths from the mountains who have never seen a TV but knew Montana's status as a god should not be questioned.

Is football here yet? Please?

Sorta proof of work

Next Afghanistan rotation announced

This isn't really my story -- I didn't write most of it -- but it proves I was awake for at least part of the day yesterday.

Afghan trivia for $800

Odds and ends from the last few days:

-- Forgot to mention that my trip from Kandahar to Bagram was courtesy of the 143rd Air Wing out of Rhode Island (the Rhode Warriors, as their logo says). The plane was kinda small, but you’d be amazed how many of us they fit in there.

-- I saw “Frankenfish” for sale at the post exchange today. I’m not paying $20 for it, but somebody is.

-- I spent about half the day yesterday with three AP reporters based in Pakistan; two from London, one from Afghanistan, none of whom knew who Matt Lauer is. Today most of the day was spent with a freelancer from Soldier of Fortune who uses a fake name when he writes and looks like Billy Bob Thorton. Tomorrow? Who knows?

-- I didn’t get any real work done today, but I did get a hot shower and saw two more episodes of the Simpsons, so I consider it a success.

-- In succession on TV, I also saw an ad for the Eagles pre-season game, and ad for a Phils/Mets game that’ll be on, and a shot of a boxing match in Philly where they cut away to Pat’s and Geno’s. Now they’re just taunting me.

Proof of work, part 21

NATO head says tacitcal wins are meaningless

Nothing too exciting, but it was something to keep me busy for a few hours.

Everybody loves reruns

Looks like the site is back up -- I have no idea what happened -- and I made it into Bagram today, safe and sound. The flight took a little less than an hour, the trip from the plane to the terminal took five minutes, and the process of transferring my bags from the plane to the terminal took just over 90 minutes.

A normal person would be upset by this. However, in the terminal are two 36-inch flat-screen TVs hooked up to military television, and I saw, back to back, The Simpsons (the “learn to fart” flag episode), The Daily Show (Castro is dying?) and the Colbert Report. You’d be amazed how funny everything is when you’ve seen no TV for several weeks.

It's about 15 degrees cooler, and that loverly dusty wind is back in my life. I’ll be sleeping in Afghan bed #9 tonight, and trying to get to bed #10 in the next few days. We’re almost down to single digits for the trip, so keep those fingers crossed.

Proof of work, part 20

Notebook: Jokes about getting shot and falling out of planes

They ran that shot huge on the inside of the paper today -- it looks really good, thanks to my dear copy editors back at home.

Also in today's paper

Injuries frustrate Fred Taylor, fans: Jacksonville RB hurts hamstring in first practice

Who's ready for the fantasy league? G? You in this year?

Extra protection

I'll be traveling again tomorrow -- up north, then to the east for my last embed of the trip -- so today was spent trying to get all my loose ends tied up. Since there's no proper laptop case or bag for me to put the new machine in, I've resorted to my own bubble of packing material to hopefully keep this thing in one piece for my last few days.



That's a whole mess of packing tape, one layer of flexible styrofoam packaging and two layers of bubble wrap. We'll keep that inside the unreliable backpack, and hope for the best.

It can't go down with three layers of packing stuff on it. Not with three layers.

Proof of work, part 19

U.S. hands over southern Afghanistan to NATO

It appears to be the same story as yesterday, but if you look close you'll notice this one has pictures. So it's a totally different story.

I hope you're all happy

Just saw the details on the Abreu trade -- wonderful move by the Phils. Let's give up a 30-30 all-star outfielder and a crappy pitcher for two crappy pitchers and a shortstop prospect we can't use, because we already have an all-star at short and second. Awesome move. Hope all the Abreu haters who aren't watching the Phils anyways are excited about the future now.

Seriously, getting pitchers from the Yankees is about the dumbest move in the world (well, short of picking up an SS when that's the one position you have). If they had anyone competent in their farm system, they'd be up pitching right now. This was an absolute scam, once again benefitting the Yankees.

Abreu has been unfairly maligned by WIP, because he's a lazy outfielder. And I'm sure over the course of a season, that sub-par play costs them three or four runs. "I want to see my players play hard." Yeah? I want to see them win. None of these nobodies they picked up will help them do that. I'd love to see Manny in Philly -- he'd pick up 130 RBI each year and we'd boo him because of his fielding.

Maybe if Gillick tries real hard he can pick up another shortstop for Ryan Howard. After all, Howard runs to first base kinda slow. I think that shows he's lazy. Let's get rid of the bum.

GAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!! Even in Afghanistan the Phills are killing me.

Proof of work, part 18

NATO handover should mean little for U.S. troops
I told you. 400 words to say "nothing will change."

Quiet time

Nothing too exciting to post over the last few days, because I've been waiting in Kandahar for the official NATO handover ceremonies to take place tomorrow. It should be a lot of pomp and circumstance signifying very little, and I'll have a 15 inch story that says "nothing will change" in tomorrow's paper.

In the meantime, I've spent the last few days catching up on my pizza eating ($9 for a small pie, but it's Pizza Hut in Afghanistan!) and laundry (more exciting than you think) and sleep (I even bought a pillow). Photos have been slim, but I'll have more to post soon.

And for those of you checking your countdown clocks, we're inside of two weeks left in country.

Proof of work, part 17

I counted. We're up to 17, with at least three more sitting in the queue.

2-4 finally gets its orders

Thank you, youtube

How else could I get the Colbert Report 8,000 miles away?

By the way, I also like cocaine because it's fun.

Taking inventory

While I've got a few hours to relax, I figured I'd start putting together my stat book for the trip so far:

Flights taken, Germany to Afghanistan: 3
Flights taken, inside Afghanistan: 7
Flights taken in helicopters: 6
Total time in helicopters: 5 hours



Trips taken in humvees: 8
Total time spent in humvees: 16 hours
Time spent waiting for humvees to get out of the mud: 8 hours
Time spent driving humvees: 0 hours



Cities I've slept in within Afghanistan: 6
Number of beds I've had in country: 8
Most consecutive nights in the same bed: 4
Worst bed: This pile of hay. Seriously.



So far, so good.

Proof of work, part 14 or something

Notebook: Bazaar back in business

This is where I bought those illegal DVDs. Unfortunately, they don't work in the new laptop.

Proof of photo skills, part I

On patrol near Larzab

I finally justified that "reporter/photographer" title they gave me.

On a related note, I'm still trying to find out about the hacker. Our site actually went down for a few hours yesterday because of it, but everything is back up now.

115 in the shade

Literally. There's a thermometer by the Candadian media tent (I'm huge with the Canadian media, by the way) that's in partial shade but was showing 115 degrees at 430 pm today (that's 2pm in Germany, noon in London, 8am in DC, 5am in New Mexico.)

I spent most of the day sauntering from one room with AC to the next, but it's a big base, so I did take a few half-mile hikes in the sun today.

It's about 20 degrees cooler up in the mountains. To prove that there is a difference between the mountain and desert ...


... here's a nice sky-eye view of exactly when this country turns from mountains to desert. It was really weird flying over and going from bumpy to flat in a matter of minutes.

There's a lot more of those heli pics when I get back. How'd I get such a good shot?


I was strapped in pretty good. But nobody tell mom, OK?

Things that worry me

From CNN.com:

The White Stripes voice themselves in the September 17 episode of the Simpsons when Bart organizes a benefit concert to repair his arm that was mangled by a tiger Lisa rescued from the local pound.

From yesterday's comments:
oh yeah, and you need a fence (a high one) 'cause i signed you up to raise a baby tiger... he should arrive shortly after you get home.

Has my life finally turned into one long cartoon?

Here's another red flag. Check out the last line of this sign, hung at one of the bases I visited over the weekend.


It's from South Park, for those of you without cable.

I'm sailing aaaaway, set an open course...

And we're back!!!

New laptop + another move = return to posting

I'm back online, back in Kandahar and not too much worse for the wear. The old equipment is about to be dumped into the Afghanistan desert as soon as I can get the rest of my files off it, and my new laptop seems to be working just fine.

So, let's catch up on the last few days:

What happened with that laptop anyways?
I'd like to say it was an Army conspiracy, but this was just good old fashioned carelessness. As I was moving from one place to another, my bags got thrown into the back of a Humvee with a pretty full trunk. Before I could stop the Afghan interpreter from crushing my electronics, he slammed the lid down twice, then sat on it to click it shut. I knew before I opened the bag that something was gonna be toast.

A few bucks and a few days later I have a brand new set of equipment, and it didn't slow down my work at all, just my communications back home. But we're all good now, so there's no sense taking out my former rage on an Afghan linguist. I mean, no sense in taking it out on another one.

So, what have you been doing?
Afghan National Army's perfomance is inconsistent
U.S. releases Taliban sympathizer in political move
Unit honors fallen soldier
I've got a few more coming too.

What, no photos?
Blogger is being cranky today, and I'm just happy to be back communicating with the real world. So we're not gonna push it tonight.

So where are you?
After spending the last week in Zabul province in souther Afghanistan, I'm out of the mountains and back in the desert. I'll be here for about a week, then probably head back north.

The time in the mountains was a blast, but it was also exhausting, so I'm crashing pretty hard. I'll write more for y'all in the next few days, but thanks for keeping the comments lively and the good thoughts headed my way.

Technical difficulties

My laptop got smashed by my new Army friends during a mission yesterday, so this site is gonna be quiet for a few days until the company can get me a new one out here. Blogger is blocked on most military computers (but not this one, so take that) and so is hotmail, so work email is the only reliable way to get ahold of me, and even that's not great.

God-willing we'll have all this squared away in three or four days. Say and extra prayer that I don't pick a fight with some private for wrecking my stuff.

Unabashed product placement

Bought a few pirated DVDs from the local bazaar yesterday, including a four-in-one Bond package (all Pierce Brosnan) with a great description of “The World is Not Enough” on the back:

“The British Super Spy goes after a ruthless media baron (an amalgam of Ted Turner, Rupert Murdoch and Bill Gates) whose diabolical plans include instigating World War III so that empire can contain an exclusive of the war (a la CNN during the Gulf War). Noteworthy for its unabashed commercial product placement.”

I also got Underworld I and II, Hostel and two other flicks I’ve never heard of. Nine flicks for $6 – they even have the FBI warning about making illegal copies of movies.

But alas, I didn’t buy the one I should have: Snakehead Terror. Yes, even on the other side of the world, someone wants to watch that. I spotted it as I was walking away … I wish I had my camera with me to take a picture, or at least more pocket change on me.

Luckily, I do have it on tape at home, so I’ll be able to see it when I get back.

Proof of work, part VIII

Mail finally arrives, but donuts don't

I wrote the third item here pretty much to explain to my darling wife why I haven't called in several days.

Pretty cool

Actually not the picture I was trying to get, but fun anyways.

Happy Training Camp Opening!

In case you missed yesterday's comments (how could you? There are only seven of you reading this and everyone left a comment) we're on the verge of opening training camp, the real start of the year. Everyone knows that between mid February and mid July nothing really matters, save for a brief weekend of relaxation around the draft. I believe the church refers to it as "ordinary time." Now we're back in extraordinary time, and I can already feel my chest starting to clench up again.

Seriously, go back to those comments and look at yourselfs. Dr. Bob's comment about Maya Angelou's defensive expertise is a hoot. And poison-ivy-covered Tom, as always, is keeping me in the loop on important world events.

But several of you have mentioned Dawkins is going to be an Eagle for life. Has he signed a new contract? Or are they just promising to give him one? I can't find details anywhere, and now I'm starting to get stressed. Forget the 100-plus temps and Taliban, I need to know what's up with #20. Somebody fill me in.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Y'all did see that I stole the ordinary time thing from G, right? Because all my best writing comes from G.

Proof of work, part VII

Lack of education limits how much U.S. can help Afghans

Interesting stuff, at least to me. We'll see if the local folks around here get angry that I didn't write a whole "look at what a good job we're doing" story.

Six letters, starts with E

It's a quiet day here as I try and plan out the rest of my week, so no proof that I'm working today. But I do have proof of contact back home, courtesy of a note from a dear co-worker who picked up the Philly Inquirer this weekend:

In the crossword puzzle -- Six letters, starts with E, clue is "Philly team."

Really, if you're gonna do this, don't you make the clue "Greatest football team ever" or "Local obsession" or "the cause of 5,422 heart attacks in the greater Philadelphia area on Super Bowl Sunday 2005" or something better than that?

Glad to see most of the draft picks are signed. Had a nice long conversation with a guy out here from Kansas City about how the AFC's best teams always choke in the playoffs. He couldn't wait to get back home for football either, although he said that Monday night football with Tuesday morning breakfast works out pretty well.

Pros and cons ...

... of being in the middle of nowhere, Afghanistan



Con: My min-satellite thinks I'm in Pakistan
Pro: My editors don't know where to find me to complain about stories

Con: It's pitch black out here at 8pm
Pro: There are some very pretty stars out here

Con: It's very difficult to get decent food this far down range
Pro: That finally gives me an excuse to eat those Pop-Tarts

Con: We're on the sunny side of a desert mountain
Pro: It's still cooler than the sunny side of a desert plain, which was the last stop

Con: All mail and newspapers arrive here a week late
Pro: If I write something really bad, they won't see it until I'm gone

Con: There are no phones I can use anywhere on base
Pro: Yet somehow there is still an internet line in my room

So we're still doing dandy out here in Pakista... Afghanistan. I think.

Proof of Work, part VI

Rap battle breaks out at Bagram

This one is from a few days ago, but it's still good. And my street cred is off the charts, yo.

On the road again

I finally made it to Qalat, and am now resting comfortably at Forward Operating Base Langham alongside the unit I’m embedded with. I’ll be going out on a few patrols with the guys over the next week, likely traveling up to another new base they just started and also meeting with some reconstruction folks who are running vo-tech classes for the locals here.

The base is much more spartan than the previous ones I’ve been at – No fridge with cold water in the rooms (though boxes of warm water are still available), only one entrée choice at the chow hall, no post exchange for most of the week and no phones at my ready. The guys here know they have it rougher than most, and are pretty cranky about the cushy conditions that other folks get (and complain about). Still, we’re on a hillside in a pretty safe area, so no one is too cranky. And I did get a pillow, something that has been lacking at most of the other bases.

The biggest difference is for some reason everyone here is running on Zulu time (Greenwhich mean time for you civilians). So I’ve got to adjust my watch for the fourth time this trip, this time to correspond with London for no good reason.

Just to help you out:

Local Afghanistan time – 2 p.m. (where I am)
Germany time – 11:30 a.m. (where my editor are)
Zulu time – 9:30 a.m. (where these guys think they are)
DC time – 5:30 a.m. (where most of you are)

If I had known I’d need four watches for this trip, I would have at least bought one with a calculator.

Proof of work, part V

Coalition launches new offensive in Sangin

Just to clarify, this fighting is about 70 miles away from where I am now, and about 200 miles away from my next stop. This was really just a press conference story, just like I cover all the time in DC. OK? No worries.

100th Post

Blogger is telling me this is the 100th post on the site since we launched in February. I feel like I should do something deep and profound here.

Um.....

yeah.....

Um.....

SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!!!!!!!!

Sorry, it was the best I could come up with.

Hungry yet?

Today was pretty calm out here; I did a quick story about another big offensive, about 70 miles east of where I am, so it's nowhere near me, everybody calm down, OK? It'll be in tomorrow's paper.

So, I thought I'd take a moment and tell you how exciting my meals were today.

Military dining halls aren't that bad, except the milk is kinda nasty and the first thing you see when you walk in is this:


It's just like the PowerSauce bars from the Simpsons -- "Unleash the awesome power of the apple! -- which I find hilarious, but apparently they really expect us to eat them.

For the first time since I got here I managed to find some cranberry juice AND Smart Start cereal, so it was just like being at home (except 102 degrees and very dusty). For dinner, I had lobster tail again -- apparently this is a military standard once a week, probably because of all the great seafood you can catch out here in the desert.

And last night, for a midnight snack, I had a slush puppy, which I believe is banned food in the states nowadays. It's not a slurpee, but then again I am pretty far from 7-11.

I'm traveling again sometime tomorrow, this time just a quick hop one province away, so as always I can't predict how posting will go over the next few days. But I'll do my best, and let y'all know when the filet mingon gets here.

Proof of work, part IV

Reporter's notebook: Helicopter for sale

The idea behind these "notebooks" is to catch short, pithy slices of life over here. They want me to file a lot of them, so expect to see more posted here.

Life's a beach

After another night in a military airport terminal -- I watched "Kicking and Screaming," "Save the Last Dance" and the first half of "Hurricane" in the six hours I was there -- I finally arrived in Kandahar, the hub of coalition military operations in southern Afghanistan.


This shot makes the place look pretty -- it's a bleak part of the world, and the weather guessers are calling for 105 degree temperatures tomorrow (but over on the European side of base, they're only calling for 40 degrees. Lousy greedy Celsius lovers, stealing all our colder temperatures). Looking out into the desert today, I really started to wonder ...

... how did "Hurricane" end? Did Denzel get out of jail? Did he kill someone? I just won't know until I get home, rent the movie and watch the rest.

Sigh. War is hell.

Proof of work, part III

Troops take out frustrations with dodgeball

More sunshine and puppies stories. I'll get to real news soon. Of course, they put this one on the front page, so maybe I should skip the real news.

Another day, another base (part 72)

I'm taking to the air again tonight and heading down south (finally) to yet another new base and yet another new bed. I'll probably have one more move after this, a short one that doesn't require military aircraft, and then get to stay with the same folks for at least a week, which will be nice. Things have been going well but I don't think I've seen the same person two days in a row since I got here.

I forgot to mention the most heart-shattering thing about my trip to Kabul -- my new Afghanistan press ID. My hair is all stumpy and characterless. My other IDs have already started making fun of it.

Sigh. Oh well. At least all the Army girls have complimented me on it. Hopefully the boys down south will think it makes me pretty too.

Proof of work, part II

Villagers celebrate bridge opening

Another day, another base

In the last week I’ve already slept in four different beds, and tonight we’ll make it five. I headed up north to Kabul today to get my press stuff squared away, and I’ll be moving back south tomorrow to actually embed with my unit and start working. (Of course, I’ve already written three stories, but I haven’t done any work yet.)

At this point, I just want to get somewhere where I can find the bathrooms quickly. But this camp does have a laundromat, so everyone at my next stop will be very much appreciative of that.

Since the pictures were such a hit yesterday (and since I’m using a good old commercial internet line this time) let’s throw a few more scenes out there for you:


This is Bagram Air Base, really the hub of all U.S. operations in Afghanistan. Note the imposing mountains in the distance – when the Russians first came here this was a valley swamp which they promptly filled in to make a landing strip. So now the area is a searing dust bowl, but when the skies clear the mountains are really incredible looking.

For my trip up to Kabul I took a helicopter, and as is standard every time I’m in a helicopter…


… they left one of the doors open. Seriously, this is the fifth open-air 1,000-foot-altitude flight I’ve taken in my life (including one in a biplane, I kid you not). And I’ve got a thing with heights. This dude sat on the edge of the bird the whole flight, scanning the ground for bad guys and acting as if he was lounging in a deck chair (note the little cushion under his tushie). I managed not to hyperventilate this time, but I did have a good white-knuckles grip on that camera.

More pictures coming when I get home of everything, but I wanted to give y’all a glimpse at over here. It’s very gray and khaki everywhere, but there are the occasional blotches of hue that remind me I haven’t gone colorblind yet.

Also, we’ll have some more story links tomorrow (with professional pictures this time). If you can’t wait, you know where to find them, anytime after 5pm today.

Outside the wire

I might not get to post again for a few days -- more traveling to come -- but for now lets give a quick recap of today. Now with photos!!


I spent today in the mountains of Parwan province near a town called Nawaj -- it's the one on the hill. The locals just finished rebuilding that bridge with money from the coalition, so they threw a small "thank you" ceremony which included ...


... lunch for everyone! On the menu was lamb, some unitentifiable meatball type product, some rice mixed with dates and marberries (think blackberries, but not bitter). Pictured here are some of the village elders and the governor of the province, along with some military folks. I chatted with a 24-year-old Afghan interpreter who spent several years in Pakistan as a refugee and called the sheep with big rumps all around the area "J Lo sheep."

It was very cool, and unlike this military base it was also very beautiful. Think the Poconos with fewer trees and many more Afgans. We'll have a write up in the paper on Thursday.

First sign of acutal work being done

Check it out: I'm no longer a slacker.

Visit to Afghanistan on Rumsfeld’s upcoming itinerary

More to come later in the week.

Oh, that's a long one

I’ve got a few days in northern Afghanistan and then more travel, but while I’m relaxing a bit let’s recap the last few days in great detail, written in real-time as I lived through it:

(Please note: Even as this was going on, it was pretty funny. Me and a handful of the rest of the small Afghanistan-bound crew kept laughing as something else went wrong. So I’m OK, Mom.)

Saturday, 0700 hours Germany time: Wake up, call about my 10am flight. Find out it has been canceled. Go looking for breakfast.

0800: After checking my e-mail, decide to check on the flight again. The terminal officials tell me the flight is still on, but I need to be there by 9am to get on.

0858: Arrive at the terminal with my three bags (total weight: around 75 pounds).

0930: Find out I’ve been bumped from the flight. Flirt with the young soldier who said she liked my Ohio State hat and new haircut. Still bumped from the flight. Told to come back at 1430 to see if I can get a seat on the 1630 flight.

1200: Seats for the 1630 flight open up and are gone in 20 minutes. Luckily, and because I didn’t trust them, I never left the terminal. I’m number six on the list.

1530: Just realized this isn’t a 1630 flight. It’s an 1830 flight, with a 1630 boarding time. I still haven’t left the terminal.

1629: Just realized that there’s no way this thing will board at 1630.

1730: Get into the boarding terminal, see that this flight is run by ATA. Consider quitting rather than board an ATA flight. Get on anyway.

1830: Pilot announces we’re ready for takeoff.

1850: Plane moves for the first time, backwards about 20 feet, then stops.

1910: Plane moves for the second time, forward into its original parking spot.

1930: Plane moves for the third time, backwards about 20 feet, then stops. This is pretty much standard ATA operating procedure.

1950: Plane actually leaves the ground.

1951: Right after takeoff, on the way up, a stream of freezing cold water spills from the overhead compartments onto my shoulder, and someone about 15 rows back is hit with a falling piece of ceiling. The male stewardess tells both of us not to worry about it.

2320: Land on the ground in Turkey. The entire plane is emptied so they can refuel and put out clean pillows and headphones, at which point we’ll all get back in our exact same seats.

0050, Sunday: After a 45 minute immigration process, we return to the plane.

0120: Upon takeoff, a stream of freezing cold water spills from the overhead compartments onto my shoulder. I use my new, clean pillow to sop up the water.

0520: Land in Kyrgyzstan. Local time is actually 0920, but since I’ll have to reset my watch again in a few hours, I’m sticking with German time.

0700: Finish immigration processing in Manus. Go to the flight terminal. Told that a plane with 90 open seats is leaving for Afghanistan in one hour. But if I wanted to be on that flight, I needed to be in this terminal 30 minutes ago, instead of somewhere else.

0800: Plane takes off with 90 empty seats. Forty other Bagram-bound passengers and I are told the next flight will be at 1430 Germany time, but seats will go up at 1230.

1200: Check on the flight, find out it has been cancelled. Next flight will be in 24 hours.

1330: After getting a tent, lie down to take a nap.

1331: Another Buckeyes fan who I befriended on the plane (I love my Ohio State hat) runs into my tent to tell me they opened a new flight, but they haven’t announced it.

1332: I’m across the base pleading for a seat on the flight. I’m now number two of 18 seats.

1430: I grab a quick dinner at the base dining hall. On the menu: Lobster tail, fried shrimp, ribs. I skip the ribs to leave room for mint chocolate chip ice cream for dessert.

1630: Board the bus to get on the flight. Drive out to the airstrip, find out the cargo plane has mechanical problems. Return to the terminal.

1800: Get back on the bus to return to the airstrip.

1830: The C-17 takes off. I’m sitting on the side of the plane, looking inward at a pile of our luggage.

1835: The C-17 levels off. I’m sitting on the side of the plane, looking inward at our luggage now strewn across about 30 feet of cargo plane floor.

2030: We land at Bagram Air Base, Afghanistan, my final destination … for the weekend. More travel to come later in the week, but now maybe I can find a bed and a shower. Local time is 10pm, because they have to be 30 minutes off from the rest of the world.

That’s traveling with the military, kids: 37.5 hours to get from Germany to Afghanistan. A little less than 10 hours actually in the air, and much of the rest waiting in terminals, traveling to terminals, and trying to get out of terminals. I’m no worse for the wear, but I am considering Hertz rent-a-car for my trip back next month.

Live, from Afghanistan!

Famous last words -- As soon as I said it would be days before I'd get out of Stan-stan-istan, another flight opened and I hopped on. After a quick two-hour flight in a C-17 (think of a warehouse with wings) I hit Bagram just before midnight on Sunday. Now, it think it's only 16 or 17 more stops before I actually start to get work done....

Internet is sketchy right now and I never did get that nap, so we'll keep this post short. But I can tell you that my first impression of Afghanistan was ... it's really windy. And dark. Hopefully I'll get a better read in the morning.

Live, from Kygyzstan

I'll give you a full recap of how I got here after I get a nap in, but here are the relevant points for now:

-- I've slept for three of the last 32 hours and about eight of the last 56. I actually spent 20 hours straight going from terminal to plane to terminal to plane to base.

-- I've watched four movies in those 32 hours: Dude Where's My Car (simply terrible), Last Holiday (actually better than you'd expect, but crap), Big Momma's House 2 (without the first one I really couldn't follow the subtle plotlines) and Fantastic Four (the only good part of the movie was Jessica Alba, so I enjoyed it very much).

-- I'm now as far away from America as I've ever been (by far). The optimist in me says every move from here on out brings me closer to home. The pessimist went out cold from exhaustion about 30 minutes ago.

-- I'm still not where I need to be. Manas is the major refueling hub for all aircraft out of Afghanistan, but that still doesn't mean it's easy to get from one to the other. I might be stuck here for a few days, but if I am there are a few easy stories I can run down.

The good news is this is a rustic but safe base, and I've already visited the dining hall and showers, thank gawd. If I get stuck here, the only stress will be boredom.

My next chance to get into Afghanistan will be at 3am Monday morning (5pm Sunday DC time, 3pm Sunday New Mexico time. Hi, Jenny!) So keep your fingers crossed, or it could be a long week.

.... or maybe not not

Make that a 330pm flight to Turkey to Kyrgystan to Afghanistan. They had 16 seats available on the 10am flight, and I was 17th on the list they put together yesterday. Buggers.

I'm starting to wonder if this site is going to be nothing but updates from the Ramstein terminal. They've got a Subway sandwhich shop in here, so it has that loverly Subway funk everywhere.

.... or maybe not

Another day of "Hurry up and wait." The military had no space for little old me on any of their flights to Afghanistan today, so it's a relaxing evening at Ramstein Air Base for me until my flight tomorrow. The downside is boredom, but the upside is a chance to watch some good old fashioned American TV courtesy of the military networks. After a week of CNN International, the O.C. never looked so good....

... OK, the O.C. still sucks. But Simpsons will be on around 8. That's something.

Tomorrow's plans call for a 10am flight to Turkey, followed by a flight to Kyrgyzstan, followed by a flight to Afghanistan. The good news is that right now it looks like I'll be taking some sort of charter jet, as opposed to a big, noisy cargo plane. The bad news is that it might take me three months to get over there.

One last note from Germany

A few of you mentioned it in yesterday's comments, but I just thought you all should know:

Even in Germany, with an ocean between me and the states, I still can't get away from Terrell Owens news.

Maybe they have some law against news reports on that dope in Afghanistan. That'd make the whole trip so much more relaxing....

Places all over the place

To help those of you easily confused with geography, I've officially switched the site to "Off base from Fort Awesome" for the time being. I don't want any of you to think that any old military facility can become Fort Awesome just because Capt. Awesome is passing through. I'm on leave from the fort, so to speak.

Looks like Friday afternoon I'll be hopping on that military jet, getting out of Germany and flying into Kabul (with possible stops in Greece and Kyrgyzstan, wherever that is).

I just finished training on all my equipment, so I should be able to update this site either via satellite or though carrier pigeon, whichever is more reliable. Likely it'll be the pigeon.

Italia! Italia!

I spent the evening yesterday in a German city drinking an Austrian beer in a Mexican resturant watching Italian fans go crazy over the soccer game. I can't think of a better way to celebrate America's independence.

I also learned several very important lessons: There are a lot of Italians in Germany right now, so many that several major routes in Darmstadt were closed down as they cruised around waving their flags and honking their horns (outside my hotel, until 3am). And I wish I had my voice recorder on me during the game, because I could have captured the sound of an entire nation screaming at once when Germany gave up that goal in the 118th minute.

They keep telling me that at some point I'll start doing work over here, but so far it's just beer, soccer and sleep, not necessarily in that order.

One flight down

I landed in Frankfurt about three hours ago and am now relaxing in our European offices in ... where the heck am I? Greisham? Maybe... I dunno. But I've got a hotel and apparently a few folks to watch the soccer match tonight, so all is well.

And that's saying a lot, considering that lousy Lufthansa flight:

-- In flight movie: "Take the Lead." Antonio Banderas teaches inner city youths the joy of ballroom dancing. Ugh.

-- In flight reading: USA Today's story about how tough it is to be an Hotlanta Braves fan. Only 14 division championships in a row? My heart weeps for them.

-- In flight exercise: Balancing on one foot during the six hours of turbulence. Plane shaking while one is in the bathroom is not fun.

So I've earned that beer and soccer tonight, if I can make it until 9 pm (or, in DC time, 645am last Sunday.)

Last night in town

Ok, kids, it's time. Tomorrow evening I leave U.S. soil to visit our good German friends for a few days, and then off to Afghanistan after that. I'll try to keep posting once I get over there, but I've had to limit my incoming hotmail to just the addresses already in the book. So, unless you regularly get witty messages from me, email me at the work address.

Everybody stay safe, and we'll pick this up again on the other side of the world.