Fantasy Recap Week #6

A special MLB message
from little Shane Victorino



     Pitches don’t go there, OK? Maybe in the side, but not in the head.





Top performers




QB: Drew Brees, 31.50 pts – started by Bobert
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, 28.39 pts – started by Heidi
WR: Andre Johnson, 25.87 pts – started by Bobert
TE: Marcedes Lewis, 13.27 pts – sitting on the wire
K: Jason Elam, 19.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Robert Mathis, 13.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Tampa Bay, 26.00 pts – started by Ant
     Don’t worry – those two top performers on Bob’s team scored as many points as his other nine players combined (please note the worst performers below). Meanwhile, did anyone know Jason Elam was still playing? And not with the Broncos?





Worst performers,
“supposed skill-positions” edition




3rd place: Chansi Stuckey, 0.10 pts – started by Bobert
2nd place: Le’Ron McClain, -1.07 pts – sitting on Paul’s bench
1st place: Jacob Hester, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
     I don’t know what’s sadder: Le’Ron’s stat line for the day (one catch, two yards; one rush, -2 yards, one fumble) or the fact that he can’t spell “Ron” correctly.





Andy Reid Blown Call
of the Week Award



     I knew last week was too good to be true – This week, Neal started three players on a bye and one injured player, employing a cunning strategy of trying to move up the leaderboard by not showing up to play. It’s too early to say if it will work, but … no, wait, it’s not too early. It won’t work.
     Honorable mention goes to the guy in my other fantasy league who traded me QB Drew Brees this week for RB Joseph Addai. Brees threw three TDs and 300-plus yards; Addai totaled three yards before going down with an injury. Good timing on that one.





Stupid things
Sonny Jurgensen
said this Sunday



     For those of you who didn’t listen to the radio broadcast of the Maryland Racial Slurs loss to the Rams on Sunday, consider yourself lucky. Here’s just what I remember from the 4th quarter:
-- With the home team facing a 2nd and 10, down by six: “This is two-down territory right here. Maybe two or three downs.”
    Listener’s Note ~ Did he mean four-down territory? Or was he actually suggesting they punt on third down?
-- With the home team facing 1st and goal, down by six: “They’ve got three chances here to pound this in.”
    Listener’s Note ~ And then on 4th down, they should kick the FG and take the loss? Can he count?
-- Still facing 1st and goal, at the two-yard line, down by six: “They should think about running some time off the clock here.”
    Listener’s Note ~ How? By kneeling on 1st down, rather than scoring the go-ahead TD?
-- After the Rams took a illegal formation penalty to start their final drive of the game: “Hahahahah” (cackling)
    Listener’s Note ~ Thanks for the insightful commentary. Why weren’t you still laughing when the Rams kicked the game-winning FG?





Bets you could have on June 1 that would have made you rich now



-- By week 6, retired QB Brett Favre will have more TD passes than QBs Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and Carson Palmer combined (13 vs 11).
-- By week 6, Arizona rookie RB Tim Hightower will have more TDs than RB LaDanian Tomlinson (5 vs 4).
-- By week 6, Bengals LB Dhani Jones will have more tackles than Pro-Bowl linebackers Ray Lewis and Derrick Brooks combined (61 vs 59).
-- By week 6, the longest TD reception of the year will be a 90-yard pass to fifth-string WR Hank Baskett.





A special MLB message from stumpy Matt Stairs



     Stairs smash. Stairs smash!





Cowboys anagram insult of the week




     How serious is this week’s injury to the Cowboys star QB? Just look at what “Tony Romo’s busted little finger” spells out, clear as day:
     ** Sorry: no TDs, title. el T.O. be fuming. **
     I give Owens about three weeks before he starts saying that Brett Farve would be playing with a broken finger.





Your potential upcoming
sports viewing schedule



     Should the Phils make it to the next round, You should all be ready for this:
-- Wednesday, Oct. 22: World Series Game 1, Sharks at Flyers, Sixers final preseason game
-- Thursday, Oct. 23: World Series Game 2
-- Friday, Oct. 24: Flyers at Devils
-- Saturday, Oct. 25: World Series Game 3, Devils at Flyers
-- Sunday, Oct. 26: World Series Game 4, Falcons at Eagles
     And if the series goes further, there’s more…





Our standings so far




1st place: Cougar in Chief, Mike – 747.90 pts
2nd place: Arena Bowl Champions, Jo – 743.45 pts
3rd place: Awesomenicity, Heidi – 743.04 pts
     The Doyle reign of terror continues. Heidi would have held onto second place had she not started the Giants D, worth -1.00 points on Monday night.
     Meanwhile, last year’s champ, Paul, continues to lurk just behind in fourth place. And the top seven teams are separated by a mere 56 pts, which I believe how many points the Iggles scored in the fourth quarter on Sunday.





News and notes




-- I’ll deal with the Dallas WR Roy Williams/S Roy Williams next week. Right now it’s making my head hurt.
-- Wednesday night may be game 5 of the NLCS, but it’s also the third presidential debate. I don’t care how important you may think these fun little games are, I don’t care how much you really want to watch the strategy and athleticism, I don’t care what your excuse is. There’s only one logical choice if you care about the future of America, and it starts with the letter P and ends with Brad Lidge. Be a true American, OK?

Fantasy recap week #5

Comparing the Phillies and
Eagles (jerseys) this week




#5: Pat Burrell vs. Donovan McNabb
One of these guys single-handedly propelled his team to a win on Sunday. The other one’s best achievement was not throwing up on the field.
ADVANTAGE: Phils
#26: Chase Utley vs. Lito Sheppard
We all love what Lito has done in the past, but he’s barely playing right now. Chase may have fallen off in the playoffs, but at least he’s on the field.
ADVANTAGE: Phils
#28: Jason Werth vs Correll Buckhalter
Werth can steal bases. Buck can barely walk after all those knee surgeries.
ADVANTAGE: Phils
#39: Brett Myers vs Quiten Demps
Myers' slow, 90-foot walk to first on Saturday was the crucial turning point in the game. Meanwhile, Demps couldn’t manage nine feet on his kick returns this weekend.
ADVANTAGE: Phils
#63: Ryan Madson vs. Mike Gibson
I don’t even know who Gibson is, but Madson still stresses me out.
ADVANTAGE: Eagles
It’s a good time to be paying attention to baseball, kids…



Top performers





QB: Aaron Rodgers, 28.92 pts – sitting on Heidi’s bench
RB: DeAngelo Williams, 32.97 pts – started by Ant
WR: T.J. Houshmandzadeh, 24.67 pts – started by Mike
TE: Chris Cooley, 21.27 pts – started by Dad
K: Shaun Suisham, 15.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Antoine Winfield, 16.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Carolina, 24.00 pts – sitting on Dad’s bench
     Thank gawd for Chris Cooley – the rest of those names were a pain in the neck to spell.



Worst performers,
“Really terrible” edition




3rd place: Damon Huard, -2.16 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Seattle, -5.00 pts – sitting on Paul’s bench
1st place: Buffalo, -6.00 pts – started by Neal
     Congrats to Neal, who achieved the lowest score possible with his defense. That only happens once or twice a year: They have to give up at least 35 points (in this case, 41) and not record any sacks, INTs, fumbles or other signs of life. Seattle actually gave up more points (44) but their one sack kept them off the bottom rung.
     Meanwhile, Damon Huard really stinks (86 passing yards, three turnovers, -1 rushing yards).



Andy Reid
Blown Call of the Week
Award



     No one started a player on a bye this week. No one! I’m so proud … I think I might cry …
     So without a league winner of the award (Neal left 32 pts on his bench, but I just made fun of him up there) let’s just go with the Mets again. It’s still really funny to think about them choking two years in a row.


Things that confused me
from switching between
the Phillies and Eagles
games on Sunday



-- In the first inning, why did the refs throw a flag for blocking in the back on Rollins home run?
-- Joe Blanton looked great threading a tight spiral down the middle of the field to L.J. Smith. I wish Manuel would have called more pass plays to him.
-- I think I was rooting for Green to beat Red but Red to beat Blue. But whenever someone wearing white came up, I froze.
-- Gawd, Andy Reid’s coaching looked bad no matter what channel was on.



Cowboys anagram insult of the week





     Did you know the Cowboys are flagrantly violating U.S. immigration laws by bringing illegal immigrants across the border? It’s true; L.P. LaDouceur is a Canadian, once again stealing a good old fashioned American job from a perfectly qualified American long snapper.
     Even worse, when you look at “Dallas’ L.P. LaDouceur” you can see he doesn’t even care about this country:
     ** USA: a dull place. Lord! **
     America’s team, my ass. They’re nothing but traitors.



What you could buy with $700 billion





-- 5,468 copies of Tiger Woods (annual earnings: $128 million)
-- 17,283 copies of LeBron James (annual earnings: $40.5 million)
-- 1.9 million copies of Hank Baskett (annual earnings: $365,000)
-- 0 strength and conditioning coaches for the Eagles (I assume they cost a fortune, otherwise they would have hired a competent one by now.)





Our standings so far




1st place: Awesomenicity, Heidi – 645.45 pts
2nd place: Arena Bowl Champions, Jo – 629.91 pts
3rd place: Cougar in Chief, Mike – 619.52 pts
     It’s an all Doyle top three, with Mike making his first appearance here and the other two swapping spots. Paul’s lurking in fourth, but I heard he may have broken a few ribs playing paintball last week and might need to be replaced by Correll Buckhalter.




News and notes




-- I'm down six on Dad now. Honestly, I'm gonna start putting down money against myself.
-- Anyone want to do fantasy hockey? No, I'm not. I can stop anytime I want.
-- By the way, Joe Blaton and Brett Myers still suck, suck, suck. I mean, that's what I said right before the last series, so...

Fantasy recap week #4

Phun Phacts about the Phillies



-- Shane Victorino: He is the shortest member of the Phils, at two-feet-three-inches tall.
-- Chase Utley: He bats left handed but throws right handed. He kills with both hands.
-- Tad Iguchi: He is not So Taguchi. They are different people.
-- Ryan Howard: To build up power, he splits logs … with his bare hands.
-- Andy Tracy: He is on this team. No clue what he does.
-- Geoff Jenkins: His name is uncomfortably close to Gregg Jeffries for my tastes.
-- Jimmy Rollins: He draws defensive strength from drinking the tears of Mets fans.






Top performers



QB: Brett Favre, 45.56 pts – started by Jo
RB: Larry Johnson, 35.30 pts – started by Jo
WR: Laveranues Coles, 33.00 pts – started by Dad
TE: Jason Whitten, 19.00 pts – started by Heidi
K: Matt Prater, 17.00 pts – started by Paulie
D: New York Jets, 23.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: LaMarr Woodley, 15.50 pts – sitting on the wire
     Not bad, kids – every one of the top offensive performers was played this week, and nearly everyone hit the magic 100-point mark. It’s almost as if you all have figured this fantasy thing out finally.






Worst performers, “Everybody in” edition



3rd place: Mark Clayton, -0.10 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench
2nd place: Josh McCown, -0.20 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Arizona, -2.00 pts – started by Jeff
     Proof that fantasy football is a terrible judge of actual performance, the Cardinals gave up six passing touchdowns and 56 points, but cost Jeff only two points in the standings. There should be an extra penalty for letting an 130-year-old QB set a team record against you.






Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week Award



     I’m a man of my word – If I tell you you’ll be ridiculed for not updating your roster and you start four guys on a bye, then I’ve got to make fun of you. However, it should be noted that while Jim fielded only half a team this week, he still beat out six other teams in points.
     Honorable mention goes to Neal, who started a kicker on a bye and a QB who had been very publicly benched during the week (Marc Bulger). But all that is part of Neal’s “less is more” strategy, having not picked up or dropped a single player yet this year.
     I bet it turns out just as successful as a goal line dive with an inexperienced fullback corps.






Stupidest thing I heard this week



     During the final game of the season, Orioles radio broadcaster Joe Angel unleashed this gem:
     “So the Orioles will finish the year with a 5-20 record in September and their first last-place finish in the division since 1988. But they have made strides this year. You just haven’t really seen it in the pitching or the fielding.”
     Forgetting the obvious, the team was 8th out of 14 teams in the AL in hitting too, so there haven’t really been strides there either. But the hot dog vendors really brought their A-game this year.
     He later added that the team has a lot of valuable pieces to trade “even though nearly the entire team was put on waivers last month and nobody wanted them.”






Cowboys anagram insult of the week



     Cowboys new wideout Miles Austin thinks he can be a great receiver in this league.
     But honestly, how can anyone take you seriously when your name clearly spells out “I is lame nuts” for everyone to see?
     For the record, that anagram just barely beat out “Aimless unit” and “Tuna Missile” and “It’s snail emu!”
     “A men slut, I is” just seemed too mean to consider.






Actual conversation I heard this week



     Two guys chatting on the Metro, both wearing ties and headed downtown from Capitol Hill:
Guy #1: Did you catch the Sparks game last night? Unbelievable finish. That’s good stuff.
Guy #2: No, I missed … is that hockey?
Guy #1: WNBA. Those girls can play.
Guy #2: Um. Sure.
Guy #1: You gotta watch their next game. It was awesome.
Guy #2: Um. Sure.
     Dude seemed completely serious about it too, although he kept alternating between calling them the San Antonio Sparks and the Seattle Sparks as the conversation went on. (They’re from LA, my crack research found out).
     But apparently there is one fan out there. And if he convinced his friend to watch too, their TV rating could double.






Our standings so far



1st place: Arena Bowl Champions, Jo – 514.84 pts
2nd place: Awesomenicity, Heidi – 494.82 pts
3rd place: Ice Road Truckers, Dad – 489.54 pts
     To quote the Family Guy, I need all of you to help me beat my wife. She has scored 336 pts in the last two weeks – Jeff, down there in last, has 383 pts in the last four.






News and notes



-- To better empathize with our friends from Ohio, the staff here at Fort Awesome decided on Sunday to lose power for eight hours after a drunk driver knocked down a power-line pole in our backyard. Not to worry, though: Our neighbors with electricity were kind enough to invite us over to watch that fourth-quarter Eagles debacle.
-- Related, I’ll be taking up a collection later this week to try and buy the Eagles a playbook with the QB sneak included in it. I hear the Patsies pretty much don’t need their offensive plays anymore this year.

Ha!

What do these three all have in common?



They're all choking hazards.

Oh, it just isn't getting any less funny.

Is it safe yet?

I've been checking ESPN for the last few hours ... I mean, it's for sure, right? They're not gonna tell me that the Mets could win three tomorrow or that double play didn't happen or that Adam Eaton counts as five extra losses at the end of the season, right?

No?

In that case...


YESSSSSSSS!

By the way, best sign at the game today:

Fantasy recap week #3

Time for everyone’s favorite game!



        How’s your NFL knowledge? See if you can identify which of these are defensive players who have scored at least 10 fantasy points this year, and which are 2004’s up-and-coming Canadian film stars:
-- Gaines Adams: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Paul Fox: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Rashad Jeanty: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Ziad Touma: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Channing Crowder: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Travis LaBoy: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Ricky Mabe: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
-- Max B. Reid: NFL or Canadian Oscars? Answer
        Seriously, if you got more than four right you need to watch less football.






Top Performers



QB: Drew Brees, 22.84 pts – started by Bob
RB: Ronnie Brown, 43.66 pts – sitting on my bench
WR: TJ Whosyourmama, 27.73 pts – started by Mike
TE: Jeremy Stevens, 15.07 pts – sitting on the wire
K: John Carney, 15.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Philly, 31.00 pts – started by Jo
D: Antonio Cromartie, 20.50 pts – sitting on Joel's bench
        Let’s get it out of the way: Ronnie Brown’s five TDs was the most scoring by a non-QB in six years (Shawn Alexander) and would have been more than enough to catapult me back into contention… if I had bothered to start him. But I didn’t, and my starters just barely outscored my bench.
        That’s why I’m still bruised and battered at the bottom of the pile like Big Ben. I’m giving myself the blown coach call award for the second week in a row.





Worst Performers, crappy QBs edition



3rd place: Ben Roethlisberger, 0.34 pts – sitting on Jeff’s bench
2nd place: Kevin Kolb, -1.92 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Dan Orlovsky, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
        Kolb’s first pass was a pick, but he’s clearly ready to step in if McNabb gets hurt. And how often does the Don go down with an injury anyway?





Stupidest thing I heard last week



        I forgot to write this down last week, and nothing was dumber this week, so…
        Fox Sports Jay Glazer reported on air that the Saints were going to announce a contract extension for Coach Sean Payton. Then he added:
        “People need to remember that before Payton got here, this franchise was mired with years of losing records, and they had just been displaced for an entire year by Hurricane Katrina. That’s not the case anymore.”
        If only they could have moved Payton up to Ohio last week, our good friends could have avoided that nasty storm. He keeps hurricanes away.





Signs you may be choking



-- Your face is blue (or your hats are blue)
-- You can’t clear your throat (or the bases in the 8th inning)
-- People around you say you’re choking (family, friends, fans)
-- You make funny noises like “garggh” or “delgado”
-- You have a history of choking, and it feels like this





Cowboys anagram insult of the week



        I poke fun at the Cowpokes a lot here, and we all get a good laugh out of it. But when I see Dallas players trying to push their moral depravity onto the general public, it leaves me disgusted and infuriated.
        So when I saw Felix Jones break off a 60-plus TD run on Sunday, I was amazed no one charged the field to protest the letters in his name screaming out “Join Elf Sex!” to all of America.
        Why do we even have an FCC, if not to stop these twisted fetishes from reaching our homes? Won’t someone think of the children?
        I haven’t seen anything this offensive since Dallas’ Roger Staubach (Hug cobras, salad later). At least Jones isn’t promoting poor nutrition and improper snake handling at the same time. But football fans shouldn’t have to think about elf sex during a wholesome Sunday game.





Our standings so far



1st place: Awesomenicity, Heidi -- 381.94 pts
2nd place: The Moravians, Bob -- 378.77 pts
3rd place: Porkchop Express, Neal -- 368.89 pts
        You all knew Heidi would reclaim first again. I’m just surprised it took this long.
        The good news is the distance between first and last place is still less than 85 points, so like the Brewers you still mathematically have a chance.





News and notes




-- Dad only has a five game lead on me, and I can already see his inner Carlos Beltran getting ready to choke that away soon.
-- Bye weeks start this Sunday, kids. Remember to bench guys who aren’t playing, or I will make fun of you.
-- Sorry about Wille Parker and the Steelers, Jim. At least you still have the Yankees in October ... oh, right.

Story #18

Troops deal with slower pace of war

Just because I'm back doesn't mean I've stopped writing stories over there. Very confusing.

Fantasy recap week #2

Special stock market edition!

Buy or Sell



Stock: QB Donovan McNabb
Trader’s Rec: BUY. Looks like the old Don is back this year. He even ran for a first down once. No, you didn’t imagine that.

Stock: Dallas’ 2008 Super Bowl
Trader’s Rec: SELL. Wonder what’s gonna happen when they face a real defense (you know, one that’ll drop safeties deep to stop bombs to T.O.)

Stock: Andy Reid’s two-minute offense
Trader’s Rec: SELL. Why did you buy this in the first place? This stock has been a dud since 2004.

Stock: WR DeSean Jackson
Trader’s Rec: HOLD … onto the ball, your moron.

Stock: S Roy Williams
Trader’s Rec: SELL. Hurts when someone else’s shot breaks a bone, doesn’t it? And this one wasn’t even a cheap shot.

Stock: WR Mike Vick
Trader’s Rec: BUY. It’s only nine months until the Eagles sign him to a free agent contract. Trust me, buy into it early.

Top Performers



QB: Jay Cutler, 38.60 pts – sitting on Paul’s bench
RB: Brian Westbrook, 32.80 pts – started by Ant
WR: Brandon Marshall, 35.07 pts – started by Neal
TE: Tony Scheffler, 22.77 pts – started by Paul
K: Ryan Longwell, 19.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Green Bay, 24.00 pts – started by Joel
D: Justin Tuck, 14.00 pts – sitting on the wire
    Paul had about 10 other top performers too, en route to a 176-point week and reclaiming the first place spot he held most of last year. So we’re back to hating him.

Worst Performers, all positions edition



3rd place: TE Greg Olsen, -1.53 pts – started by Bob
2nd place: Denver, -3.00 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: St. Louis, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire
    Hot tip for your team: So far, the St. Louis defense is worth -10 pts this season. If you’ve been scoring too many points, consider grabbing them.

Fun with trends



-- Broncos QB Jay Cutler is on pace for a 5,200-yard passing season. Eagles QB Donovan McNabb is on pace for a disappointing 5,136 yards. Patriots QB Tom Brady is still on pace for a 78-yard passing season.
-- Eagles rookie WR DeSean Jackson is on pace for a 96-catch, 1,728-yard season with zero TDs (because he keeps dropping the ball at the one.)
-- The Rams are on pace to score 128 points and only 8 TDs but give up 632 en route to a 0-16 season.
-- Vikings RB Adrian Peterson is on pace to run you down like a dog this year. Seriously, I’m having nightmares about him after the Colts game Sunday.

Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week Award



    Ignoring that Big Andy, with the game on the line, yet again called a 10-yard pass play on fourth and 17 … I’m gonna eat crow and lay out my best fantasy move in a while.
    On Sunday, nervous that LT might not play, I picked up his backup (Darren Sproles) but then decided not to start him. LT did start and get me 5.53 pts, but Sproles totaled 27.94 pts on my bench.
    But even better than that, to get Sproles onto my bench I dropped my starting defensive player, San Fran’s Patrick Willis … who had an 89-yard interception return for a TD on Sunday. Total he had another 14 points, and that’s a grand total of more than 36 points I lost with one move (enough to move me up five spots in the standings).
    That’s quality coaching, kids. Learn from the master.

Cowboys anagram insult of the week



Sure, last night’s loss was painful. But you can take hope that it was only the second game of the season, something that the “Dallas Cowboys’ Kevin Burnett” knows well. Just look at what his name spells out:
*** O, be brave: Lucky wins don’t last ***
Let’s hope he’s right.

Our standings so far



1st place: I heart WRs, Paul – 266.95 pts
2nd place: Porkchop Express, Neal – 251.19 pts
3rd place: The Moravians, Bob – 250.30
    Meanwhile, Jo and I are last and 11th place, respectively. Thanks for playing nice while I was gone, jerks.

News and notes



-- Delaware won it’s first game of the year this weekend, thumping West Chester 48-20. The Hens outrushed the Golden Rams by a slim 308-16 margin, and even blocked an extra-point attempt just to add insult to injury. Next up: the #23 Furman Paladins. Division I-AA has some real mascot problems.
-- Which one of you let Kerry Collins get another starting QB job while I was gone?
-- I think I’m already down 40 games to my father on the season picks, despite the fact they’ve only played 31. I also think my calculator might have gotten messed up in Iraq.

Check out the title

That's right, kids -- we're no longer off base from Fort Awesome anymore. I got back onto U.S. soil a few hours ago and am now making a futile attempt to stay awake for the Monday night game.

I've still got a few more stories to run and plenty of football stuff coming up, so keep checking the site. But thanks to everybody for keeping me sane with the comments on here. Your kind words and potty humor made the 120-degree heat feel like it was just 100 degrees.

Story #17

Troops push for same goals on different halves of city

In other news, I'm already on my second nap of the day.

Rain, beautiful rain

Germany is cold and miserable today --- exactly what I was hoping to see after 25 days above 95 degrees.

But more importantly, I get to walk around in it, because my flight arrived safely and I'm resting comfortably at Ramstein AFB as I type. Last night's USF-Kansas game is on the TV, and there's pizza around the corner that I've already scoped out for lunch.

Flight home is still scheduled for Monday, and I still have some office work to do tomorrow, but I'm nice and relaxed at the moment. And clean. Dear gawd, that was a lot of dust and sand.

Story #16

Rebuilding teams eye long-term goals

Still a few more to come...

Story #15

Qada chief vows not to surrender

Even though I've left the country, the stories keep on coming.

Just a little weird ...

I'm currently sitting at the Kuwait Airport Starbucks killing about six hours before my midnight flight to Frankfurt. Pretty sure I never thought I'd write that sentence...

So, as y'all saw from my Twitter over there, I'm out of Iraq and on my way to Europe. Hopefully this flight goes smooth and I sleep for most of it, because it'll be more running around in Germany once I hit the ground. But the number of people carrying guns around is decreasing every day, so that's good news all around.

Major Awesome?

I got told by a public affairs officer today that he was instructed (by who, I don't know) to treat me as the equivalent of a GS-13 government worker, putting me somewhere around the rank of major. That's higher than my normal Capt. Awesome rank, so I'm wondering how I got a promotion...

Hopefully it just gets me a comfy bed for what could be my last night in Iraq. I'm making a push to the airport sometime tomorrow, so everyone cross your toes that my flight schedule works out an I'm sitting comfortably in Germany sometime in the next 48 hours.

Story #14

Muscle injuries dominate Camp Taji clinic’s cases

Coulda used some advice from them today -- I think I pulled a stomach muscle sleeping. Can I get a purple heart for a lumpy mattress?

Week 1 fantasy recap

Abbreviated, but ...

### Observations from not watching Sunday’s game
-- I might have read the stats line wrong, but it looks like LB Shawn Bradley led the team in tackles. He’s much better on the gridiron than in basketball.
-- I’m disappointed to see WR Hank Baskett got his one 100-yard game of the year out of the way so quickly.
-- Everyone who said McNabb should be traded in the offseason gets shot right now.
-- Whoever did the box score must have been drunk; They actually wrote that WR Greg Lewis had a good game.
-- How did RB Tony Hunt get a two-yard TD run? Why weren’t we passing that close to the end zone?
-- St. Louis kinda sucks.

### Funniest thing I heard this week (NFL edition)
        I only caught a little football this weekend, but it included the second Monday night game. With the score 34-7 and the Broncos facing third down at the one yard line, play-by-play guy Mike Greenberg said that “This is one of those situations where you dig down deep and play for pride, and try and prove that you’re really better than this game has gone.”
        When RB Michael Pittman walked across the goal line on the next play, Greenberg added “Or maybe not.”

### Stupidest thing I heard this week (Iraq edition)
        For the second time this week, somebody told me dysentery is a good way to learn about the local food and culture. But this guy was in psychological operations, so he might have just been seeing how much he could screw with the media.

### Funniest thing I thought this week (me edition)
        Sportscenter: “When asked how QB Tom Brady took the news that he’d have to undergo season ending surgery, coach Belechick said he reacted pretty much the way you’d expect.”
        Me: He cheated?

### Cowboys anagram insult of the week
I know it's early, but it's pretty clear how the Cowboys season is going to end again this year. Just look at "Tony Romo gets a playoff win" and you see:
*** A sporty figment -- no way, fool. ***
God, I missed those in the offseason.

### News and notes
-- RB Jerious Norwood got a TD this week. I hate that guy.
-- Sorry for the abbreviated edition, kids. We’ll try and get it right next week.

Rain!

To follow on my twitter posts, I actually got caught in a rainstorm today.

Sure, it was only three minutes, and the high winds simply could have been clowing water from the nearby river onto me, but it was close to rain. Plus, it kept the temperatures from getting way about 100 degrees today.

The wind was blowing a lot of sand and dust around, but I managed to snap a picture to prove how crazy the weather was:



Not my best work, but I think it conveys the idea.

Story #13

Notebook: Chowing down for Charlie Company

One of the copy editors complimented me for using my Philly roots to find an eating contest in the middle of a war zone. At least I think it was a compliment...

Stories #11 and #12

Troops sacrifice sleep for kickoff

Electricity powers normalcy in Baghdad suburbs

There's the promised football story and another from a few days back. Sports guys did a good job with the layout too, considering I didn't give them any photos to work with.

Watching stupid Eli

Got up at 2am this morning to see the first real football of the season, and found a pair of soldiers (a Dolphins fan and a Cowboys fan) as dumb as me doing the same thing. I'm trying to get a story in tomorrow's paper about it, but here's what we talked about, in order, without any prompting from me:

-- How everyone was a Giants fan for just one day last year
-- How the Eagles desperately need better wide receivers
-- How Barry Sanders was better than Emmitt Smith
-- Why Dan Marino never had a running game
-- How much of a blowhard T.O. is

So, basically, I spent the middle of the night hanging around with the black, Army version of Dad and Mr. Harris. And, just like at home, we all agreed that Marino was the best QB we've ever seen.

Story #10

District hopes to build off drop in violence

Not to be lost in the real news of the day (see below), here's my big wrap-up story from southern Baghdad.

Lookie what I found!

You just can't get away from those DiFulvios.

So, I went out on a patrol today and for fuel reasons we had to make a detour to Camp Liberty. We only had an hour there to grab lunch and fill up, so I didn't even bother looking for Elizabeth.

Of course, if you want to find a Difulvio all you have to do is go looking for the food. I ran smack into her in the middle of the dining hall, much to both of our surprise. Also shocking -- nearly every other person who walked by knew her and made a side comment. I'm just not used to seeing a Difulvio being that talkative.

She looks great (doesn't have that depressed, dirty look of most of the folks around here) and is getting her Army mandated three hours of sleep each night. So you don't have to worry about her, Ant, and you can start planning a welcome home party. She wants Guiseppe's pizza too.

Overheard in Taji

Actual things I heard from soliders today:

** "Dysentery is a good way to learn about Iraq. You can quote me on that."

** "We don't give the Iraqis enough credit. But they aren't good at doing things like making decisions."

** "I think that kid just asked me to give him a donkey."

** "What's the hardest thing about being a reporter? Besides the being sent to Iraq thing?"

I could give you context, but I assure you it wouldn't help explain any of them...

Looking south

I've already made the jump up to Taji, but wanted to take one last look back at dear old southern Baghdad...



Yep, that's pretty much it -- searing sun and concrete walls everywhere. I actually saw a field with green stuff in it today and almost cried.

Stories #8 and #9

Keeping Iraqis honest at the pump

Troops prep for Ramadhan

The main pic for the gas story is on the web site's front page for the moment (and on the front of the print edition; about time I did something good enough for that). It'll probably be a few days before I get anything else in, since I'm gonna be moving again in a few hours.

Story #7

Calm has market back in business

There's also an audio clip on that page (apparently I can edit audio even in Iraq) and a photo gallery over here. All fun stuff.

Kids write the darndest things

Actual letters from California third graders posted on the wall of this combat outpost:



Dear U.S. Soldiers:
Thank you for helping us to be free and safe. In music class we get to sing funny songs. One song is called the Octopus’ Garden. I hope the war is over soon. From Mary Jane

Dear U.S. Soldiers:
I am in third grade. We are learning multiplication. It is so hard! Here is a joke. How does Elvis pray? Thank you very much! Thank you for fighting for us. From Lea

Dear U.S. Soldiers:
Thanks you for fighting for our country. I live in California. It’s very sunny here. I went to a country club yesterday with my friend and we were playing hide-and-go-seek with my little sister. My friend and I found a hiding spot and my sister never found us. From Nick

Dear U.S. Soldiers:
I am a third grader in California. Thank you for helping us and others to be free and safe. I liked when the Giants won the Super Bowl. My mom won a bet. I forget how much she got. I watched a little bit. From Frank

Dear U.S. Soldiers:
I am very great full that you are saving us and other to have a free and safe land. One time I was at school and we were watching boys play football. Most of them were not very good, so we kept booing. All of the sudden I stood up and my friend Camille pushed me down in front of the game. TMTH! (too much to handle!) From Amanda

They’re in third grade! So it’s thoughtful and hilarious, right?

Story #6

Sons of Iraq shift to new role

Likely another one tomorrow, but I wrote them both days ago. I don't even remember what's in there. It might be about Iraq, or it might be about the Browns chances of making the playoffs.

Fantasy Football Draft recap

The draft is complete, the rosters are set and it’s pretty obvious how this year’s “Who Needs Linebackers” Fantasy football league is going to shake out:

Team: Awesomenicity
Owner: Heidi
Projected points: 1744
Projected finish: Twelfth Place
Heidi, the Bill Belichick of our league, actually looks to have put together a good team: RBs Joseph Addai, Maurice Jones-Drew, Jamal Lewis and QB Carson Palmer should get her started nicely. But I’m projecting her to finish dead last because there’s still a lot of controversy surrounding her suspension last season for performance-enhancing drugs. Just this week the National Fantasy Football Enquirer (one of my favorite papers) had a story alleging that she’s hooked up a Red Bull injection system to her laptop. League officials are looking into the allegations, and who knows if she’ll make it through the season.

Team: Blue Collar Killers
Owner: Jeff
Projected points: 1898
Projected finish: Eleventh place
There’s no reason this team can’t rack up the points: RB Marion Barber, WR Plaxico Burress, TE Chris Cooley, CB Allen Rossum, QB Eli Manning, and RB Jerious Norwood all could push Jeff’s team to the top. But I hate all those players, so I hope they don’t. Especially that Jerious Norwood. Get a real name, you bum.

Team: Fulvnuts
Owner: Anthony
Projected points: 1988
Projected finish: Tenth place
Look, I love Westbrook. You love Westbrook. We all love Westbrook. But he’s not the top fantasy player in the league. So when Ant decided to make Westy the top pick instead of LaDanian Tomlinson or Adrian Peterson, he dropped his chances of winning the league from fairly high to near zero. Add in the fact that he didn’t draft a wideout until round 9 (Bryant Johnson is his top receiver?) and you’ve got the markings of a rough team. On the plus side, with Westy and McNabb leading his squad, he’ll either be really happy or really pissed every Sunday.

Team: Porkchop Express
Owner: Neal
Projected points: 2005
Projected finish: Ninth place
This team has it all: RBs Clinton Portis and Edgerrin James, WRs Torry Holt and Chris Chambers, QBs Marc Bulger and Jeff Garcia, TEs Tony Gonzalez and Alge Crumpler. They’re all solid performers in the prime of their careers who should be able to push Neal towards the top. Wait, it’s still 2003, right? No? It’s 2008 now? Oh. Nevermind.

(I know, I pull this same joke out every year, but there’s always one team that fits it and it’s still funny to me, so….)

Team: Team Name
Owner: Paul
Projected points: 2077
Projected finish: Eighth place
Paul last year adopted the Siegel Strategy (patent pending) and parlayed a mess of good wideouts and two great QBs into a league win. And while his corps of wideouts are again great (Wayne, Boldin, C.Johnson, Lee Evans) his RB corps of injured Earnest Graham, Selvin Young and that Ricky Williams makes me doubt he can finish in the top half again. Plus, nobody likes QB Jay Cutler, and backup QB Kurt Warner hasn’t won anything since 2001.

Team: Farve’s in Charge
Owner: Joel
Projected points: 2111
Projected finish: Seventh place
There’s something about this team I like, even though it’s WR heavy and has no real QB (David Garrard and Jake Delhomme? Why not just draft a Detmer?) But WRs Steve Smith and Larry Fitzgerald, paired with RB Steven Jackson, should keep Joel in the thick of things until the end of the season. Then, much like the Garrard-lead Jaguars, they’ll suddenly collapse and slip out of contention.

Team: Arena Bowl Champions
Owner: Jo
Projected points: 2154
Projected finish: Sixth place
This team has great QBs (Brady and Farve) and RBs (LJ, Michael Turner and Darren McFadden) and nothing for receivers. I mean nothing. Having both Eagles wideouts (Kevin Curtis and Reggie Brown) is bad enough, but Roddy White? David Patten? Five bucks says Coach doesn’t even know what team those players are on. That said, Tom Brady’s 754 TD passes this year as the Patsies go 18-1 again should be enough to keep her near the top.

Team: Name (Coming Soon)
Owner: Mike
Projected points: 2204
Projected finish: Fifth place
When you look at Mike’s roster of QB Peyton Manning, WRs Randy Moss and TJ Whoseyourmama, and RB Reggie Bush, one big question jumps out: Is Mike’s team name actually coming soon? Because it’s been two weeks already, and we’re still stuck with that temporary fill in. Usually he’s among the frontrunners for team name of the year, but right now the best we’ve got are Fulvnuts and Cindy McCain’s Botox, and while amusing they aren’t top-flight material. It’s not an exaggeration to call it the biggest question in the NFL this year, more compelling than the Farve saga and 100 Super Bowls combined.

Team: Ice Road Truckers
Owner: Dad
Projected points: 2394
Projected finish: Fourth place
Dad, you’ve got a good team (RB Adrian Peterson, QB Matt Hasselbeck). A few points:
-- That Roy Williams is the Detroit wideout, not the Cowboys CB. Don’t cut him.
-- RB Julius Jones doesn’t play for the Cowboys anymore. Don’t cut him.
-- TE Jeremy Shockey doesn’t play for the Giants anymore. Don’t cut him.
-- Yes, RB Brandon Jacobs plays for the Giants, but he’s good. Don’t cut him.
-- Amani Toomer stinks. Go ahead and cut him, and pick up DeSean Jackson. You don’t have any Eagles on the team right now.

Team: Madden hearts NY
Owner: Capt. Awesome
Projected points: 2467
Projected finish: Third place
I’m either going to have a great fantasy year or a miserable one, because seven of the 17 players on my team are the same as my pay league. Among the notables in both are QBs Derek Anderson and John Kitna, the Chicago D, RB Ronnie Brown and K David Akers. So either I’ve perfected the Yahoo draft system in just my seventh year doing this, or I’ve screwed myself terrible. On the plus side, Anthony’s love of Westy nets me LT for a second year in a row, which is very nice…

Team: Cindy McCain’s Botox
Owner: Jim
Projected points: 2500
Projected finish: Second place
If you’re going to follow the Siegel Strategy (patent pending) you’ve got to do it right, and nobody out-Jims Jim at it. He spent the first half of his draft grabbing solid WRs like Welker and Holmes and the second half stealing serviceable RBs like Lendale White and Chris Brown. Throw in a Pittsburg D and his strong second-place finish last year, and he should make another run in 2008. However, we’ll all be rooting against him, since the squad is anchored by stinking Romo and even-more-stinking T.O.

Team: The Moravians
Owner: Bob
Projected points: 2501
Projected finish: First place
Bob had the most balanced draft of anyone (RB-WR-RB-QB-WR-WR…) and boasts a starting lineup of QB Drew Brees, RBs Frank Gore and Willie Parker, and WR Andre Johnson that should net him a boatload of points. He managed to grab Parker’s backup as an insurance policy, and has a solid string of secondary receivers in Todd Heap, Dwayne Bow and Bernard Berrian. So all of that, coupled with my feeling that he could win it all, should absolutely promise that he finishes no higher than eighth place. But we’ll put him up here anyways, because it’ll be a lot funnier when he crashes and burns.

OK, kids – scoring starts next week. I’ve got no advice for you on the defensive players, other than to say that I wouldn’t put all my money on DE Jerome McDougle. Just a hunch.

Story #5

Officials contemplate future base moves

They've got a better headline on that in the paper, but I'm too lazy to go back and re-read what it was. But the story is a long one.

Story #4

Commander urges Iraqis to wear helmets

More to come, if they ever give me time to write this stuff up...

Trip to the DVD store

Iraqi bootleg "12 in 1 comedy collection, vol. 16" includes:

** Animal House
** Police Academy 1
** Police Academy 2
** Police Academy 3
** Police Academy 4
** Police Academy 5
** Police Academy 6
** From Justin To Kelly
** Four movies I've never heard of

Sounds like it should be in the horror category instead. I mean, the horror DVD I picked up has Hot Shots 1 and 2 on it, and it's less scary than everything except Animal House on the comedy one...

Stories 2 and 3

Mass homecoming causes hope, headaches

Reporter's Notebook: Cook, volleyball

The notebook was supposed to run yesterday, but got backed up. Don't expect two every day.

Actual dinner menu tonight

++ Salad*
++ Rib-eye Steak
++ Breaded Shrimp
++ Lobster Claws*
++ Rice Pilaf
++ Taco Platter*
++ Pineapple/fruit medley
++ Blueberry pound cake
++ Dirt**

* -- Offered, not eaten
** -- After-dinner, non-optional snack.

What are you people doing?

On Aug. 11 I asked all of you to take care of the Eagles and Phillies while I was gone. Since then:

-- The Phils are batting somewhere around .200.
-- They've dropped 3.5 games in the standings.
-- WR Kevin Curtis got injured.
-- You killed S Brian Dawkins.
-- The U.S. baseball team lost its chance at a gold medal.
-- QB Donovan McNabb threw up (probably).

I don't know what you all are doing back there, but stop it. I've got 30 days left until I get back. Just stop it.

Story #1

Calm highway signals change

About time I did some real work...

You know what hurts?

My sports hernia. Apparently it's fashionable right now. All the Philly athletes are having problems with it.

Remember 10 years ago when I called for the whole Eagles training staff to be fired? Did anyone listen?

And still a few more hours to go...

Dirt counts as an "other," right?

Seeking advice

Here's the situation: I'm trying to drop some extra weight from my bags because I have to carry everything I own for significant distances as I move from place to place.

Among the items that that I want to throw away is my old copy of Sports Illustrated, which I finished reading two days ago. But the problem is the cover:



So, if I toss it in a foreign dumpster is that bad luck? I wouldn't have to ask if it were the Eagles (because under pro football rules it clearly would be a jinx) but with college rules I'm never sure...

By the way, there's a big old Michican flag on the wall in the building I stayed in last night. That has to be bad luck.

So far today

130am -- land in Baghdad, get told I'll need to hop on another flight to get registered.

330am -- give up on next flight coming before morning, go in search of a bed and a shower.

430am -- find both.

730am -- get up, eat a leisurely breakfast.

830am -- wander back towards the airport terminal.

917am -- arrive at airport terminal.

918am -- get told I'm scheduled for a flight leaving in 30 seconds.

919am -- follow my escort (sprinting) across the runway towards the helicopters.

920am -- get seated in helicopter, wait for crew to close the side door.

921am -- make mental note to launch an in-depth investigation on why there isn't enough military funding to put side doors on these things.

922am -- take off. Get my first view of Baghdad from 400 feet above the ground. It looks very dusty, but that might have something to do with the helicopter.

950am -- arrive at destination. Wait for next escort.

1145am -- escort arrives. Glad I rushed for that flight.

1200pm -- arrive at destination (for today, another flight tomorrow). Realize it's only noon...

Fantasy draft results

Inspired by NBC’s coverage of the Olympics, the annual fantasy league draft was held earlier this week but isn’t being aired until today to maximize the viewing audience.

First, a few changes in the league this year: We’re supposed to have 13 teams, which means playing two defenses each week is out. Instead, we’ll start one D and one individual defensive player, with similar scoring for sacks, picks and other key plays. The first defensive player doesn’t make the automated rankings until 250, so it shouldn’t screw up the draft too much as long as you don’t move a bunch of guys up. There are a few minor scoring changes too, but you’ll have to check them on your own – nothing major, though.

And without further ado, the bottom of the draft starts with the top of the standings last year:

13 – Team Name (Paul, league champion)
12 – Cindy McCain’s Botox (Jim)
11 – Porkchop Express (Neal)
10 – Arena Bowl Champions (Jo)
As always, Jim gets the early lead for best team name. Everyone else goes into the hat and the next name pulled out is…

9 – Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Tough break for Jeff, who was great two years ago and not so good last year. But at least he has some team name consistency. Next team pulled is…

8 – Team coming soon? (Eric)
That’s not Eric’s team name – I’m pretty sure he wants in, but due to travel restrictions I haven’t been able to go over to his house and physically force him into signing up. So we’ll give him two more weeks, and if he gets in he’ll be slotted here. If not, everybody above gets a bonus. Next name…

7 – The Moravians (Bob)
Bob should have gotten a better draw for being one of the first to sign up. Unfortunately, this is a cruel world, and the hat says otherwise. Next squad…

6 – Name Coming Soon (Mike)
That’s the second nameless team. I know it’s still preseason, but you folks gotta step it up and stop playing like the Eagles starters. Yes, all the way across the ocean I could feel them suck. A fake FG? Really? Let’s just move on to…

5 – Awesomenicity (Heidi)
Back from her one-year suspension for use of a banned substance, Heidi is looking to reclaim her dominance and gets a draft pick that will almost assuredly end up being Tom Brady, who I have heard from sources routinely snorts banned substances before games. Very good sources. Next comes…

4 – Farve’s in Charge (Joel)
Joel’s blatant rip off of my old team name (The Minnesota Farves) reminds me that my name hasn’t come out of the hat yet, after last year’s very suspicious but totally on the up-and-up first overall pick. I express my concern to Jo, who makes baseless attacks on my character even though she’s pulling out the names. And the next one out is …

3 – Ice Road Truckers (Dad)
Just an FYI: Alex from this popular History Channel series is actually in Yahoo’s draft order, in slot 10,233, right before WR Greg Lewis at 10,234 and a block of cheese at 10,235. Make sure you go in and move the cheese up one spot, because it has more talent. Next name is…

2 – Madden hearts NY (Me)
Oh, thank gawd. I couldn’t win with the first pick last year, but maybe with Adrian Peterson things will turn out better. Then again, I’m going to miss most of the games the first three weeks, so y’all can probably snow me with some bad trades early on.

So all that leaves …

1 – Fulvnuts (Ant)
Again? Second time in three years that Fulvnuts over there gets LT? I’ve got to rework this draft system next year…

That’s it, kids. Let’s call the draft date Aug. 28 and start the festivities in week one. Any questions, email me and I’ll mock you and your Shawn Andrews-like confusion.

May the best team win, as long as that’s my team.

And we're off

Flights so far this trip: 1
Flights anticipated in the next 48 hours: 3
Chances they'll all be on time: 0

UPDATE, 6:48 am: Scratch that, start anticipating flights tomorrow afternoon instead.

Thoughts after an eight-hour plane ride and the start of preparations for a month in 130-degree Baghdad

Stupid Phillies.

Here we go again

First the awesome news – If I haven’t told you about it yet, please go here and here.

Pretty cool, huh? I’m really full of myself right now.

Then the less awesome news – I’m flying out to Germany this Wednesday, and I’ll be going into Iraq a few days later.

All of you know the deal: Every two years or so, every reporter who works at my paper spends six weeks downrange to report on the troops (that's what we do after all) and what's going on there. It’s not why I took the job, it’s not my favorite thing to do, but it is important work. And as I told Bobert’s mom this weekend, if they sent someone else the writing wouldn’t be as good, because I’m awesome.

I’m scheduled back in the states on Sept. 23, which means I’ll be gone for three Eagles games and a bunch of critical Phillies match-ups. Both teams will still be in first when I leave the country. You all are in charge of keeping it that way.

I’ll have email and I’ll plan on updating the blog again, although circumstances and reliable internet access could limit that. I’ll try and do my weekly NFL wrap ups for my three fans out there (thanks, moms!) but it’ll probably be a little different than in the past. But say a prayer and keep your fingers crossed and I’ll be back before anyone notices I’m gone.

And this all means it’ll be that much sweeter when I win the fantasy football league, because I’ll be able to say I’m awesome no matter what continent I’m on.

All of you stay safe until I get back, and start planning a late Labor Day party for the end of September.

Pre-traveling travels

Highlights of Elkhart, Indiana.


...


Well, there's, ....


...


hmmm.

I'll explain soon, kids. In the meantime, here's something fun from the weekend, in case you missed it.