Fantasy draft results

Inspired by NBC’s coverage of the Olympics, the annual fantasy league draft was held earlier this week but isn’t being aired until today to maximize the viewing audience.

First, a few changes in the league this year: We’re supposed to have 13 teams, which means playing two defenses each week is out. Instead, we’ll start one D and one individual defensive player, with similar scoring for sacks, picks and other key plays. The first defensive player doesn’t make the automated rankings until 250, so it shouldn’t screw up the draft too much as long as you don’t move a bunch of guys up. There are a few minor scoring changes too, but you’ll have to check them on your own – nothing major, though.

And without further ado, the bottom of the draft starts with the top of the standings last year:

13 – Team Name (Paul, league champion)
12 – Cindy McCain’s Botox (Jim)
11 – Porkchop Express (Neal)
10 – Arena Bowl Champions (Jo)
As always, Jim gets the early lead for best team name. Everyone else goes into the hat and the next name pulled out is…

9 – Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Tough break for Jeff, who was great two years ago and not so good last year. But at least he has some team name consistency. Next team pulled is…

8 – Team coming soon? (Eric)
That’s not Eric’s team name – I’m pretty sure he wants in, but due to travel restrictions I haven’t been able to go over to his house and physically force him into signing up. So we’ll give him two more weeks, and if he gets in he’ll be slotted here. If not, everybody above gets a bonus. Next name…

7 – The Moravians (Bob)
Bob should have gotten a better draw for being one of the first to sign up. Unfortunately, this is a cruel world, and the hat says otherwise. Next squad…

6 – Name Coming Soon (Mike)
That’s the second nameless team. I know it’s still preseason, but you folks gotta step it up and stop playing like the Eagles starters. Yes, all the way across the ocean I could feel them suck. A fake FG? Really? Let’s just move on to…

5 – Awesomenicity (Heidi)
Back from her one-year suspension for use of a banned substance, Heidi is looking to reclaim her dominance and gets a draft pick that will almost assuredly end up being Tom Brady, who I have heard from sources routinely snorts banned substances before games. Very good sources. Next comes…

4 – Farve’s in Charge (Joel)
Joel’s blatant rip off of my old team name (The Minnesota Farves) reminds me that my name hasn’t come out of the hat yet, after last year’s very suspicious but totally on the up-and-up first overall pick. I express my concern to Jo, who makes baseless attacks on my character even though she’s pulling out the names. And the next one out is …

3 – Ice Road Truckers (Dad)
Just an FYI: Alex from this popular History Channel series is actually in Yahoo’s draft order, in slot 10,233, right before WR Greg Lewis at 10,234 and a block of cheese at 10,235. Make sure you go in and move the cheese up one spot, because it has more talent. Next name is…

2 – Madden hearts NY (Me)
Oh, thank gawd. I couldn’t win with the first pick last year, but maybe with Adrian Peterson things will turn out better. Then again, I’m going to miss most of the games the first three weeks, so y’all can probably snow me with some bad trades early on.

So all that leaves …

1 – Fulvnuts (Ant)
Again? Second time in three years that Fulvnuts over there gets LT? I’ve got to rework this draft system next year…

That’s it, kids. Let’s call the draft date Aug. 28 and start the festivities in week one. Any questions, email me and I’ll mock you and your Shawn Andrews-like confusion.

May the best team win, as long as that’s my team.